02x08 - Is There a Director in the House?/Star Cruise

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

[breezy upbeat music]

- Hey, there, everybody.

Have you ever wondered what
it'd be like if I was blue?

[together]
Yeah!

- And if I could fly?

[together]
Yeah!

- Whoa!

Wow.
Oh.

Oh.

And what if...

- Ready, on your cue, Patrick.

- What if I was
attacked by a Viking?

[horn blares]

- Let's see.

Opening segment's good.

Jugglers at green room.

And...

- And what about another Viking?

- And break for lunch in 10.

Go for Viking 2.

- [roars]

- Ahh!

- Whoa! Ahh!

- OK.

What next, Squidina?

Squidina?

- Mom, what the heck?

I can't just walk
away during a show.

- Exactly.

You work too hard
for a kid your age,

so I'm taking you here.

If I'm not... my clipboard,
my headset, mom!

Can't this wait until
the season wraps?

- Nope.

You need to run around and play.

- Squidina, tell me what to do.

I'm just the talent.

I'm lost without you.

- Don't worry, Patrick.

You got this.

- Ugh! Uh?

- Oh.

I can be your director.

After all,
I am your biggest fan.

[licks]

Hello, Patrick Star, let's make
something wonderful together.

- Uh.

- You see, it is almost ready.

Our dish just needs
one more ingredient.

Now you simply add two eggs.

Spider eggs.

[cackles]

- [screams]

- Soup's on.

- [screams]

- Oh.

Even your skin is flawless.

Oh, what?

An imperfection?

- Who you calling
imperfect, bub?

This whole production is a joke.

- [sobbing]
- Yeah, that's right.

Get lost, you pathetic amateur.

So "The Patrick Show"
has lost its director, ey?

Well, lucky for you,
I happen to be available.

Now, places, people!

And action!

- When I think
edible, I think...

- Cut!

You're too big.

Scooch over a bit.

- This way?
- Yes.

A little more.

Keep going.

More. More.

Perfect.

Now this is cinema.

Hello, gorgeous.

- So, um, do you still need
me, or am I good to go?

- You're still here?

I'm going to make you a star.

[upbeat music]

- No, mom!

- And have fun.

Bye-bye.

- OK, Squidina,
this won't be so bad.

Think of it as a networking
event or a business retreat.

[laughter]
Huh?

♪ ♪

- [roars]

- Ugh!

[chuckling]

- Well, howdy, camper,
and welcome to Camp Kid.

Is the kid like you ready
to have a kid-tastic day?

[whistles]

- All these children
are giving me a headache.

Oh, what I wouldn't
give for an espresso.

- [screams]

- Well,
we don't have any ex-pressos.

But how about a juice box?

- [sighs]

Look, I'll just get
the PA to do a coffee run.

Hey, kid, get me
a redeye double shot

black and an iced mocha
latte for Mr. Happy here.

- I'm making mud pies.

[gentle music]

- Argh.

- Now where am I going to find
someone to direct the show?

- You know,
you have an emergency

director button for a reason?

- Emergency director button?

Oh yeah!

Hmm.

Let's see here.

[beeping]

- One director coming right up.

- [laughs]

It's showtime!

Let's give the audience
what they really want,

father-son bonding.

[together]
Aww.

- Cue title sequence.

Just a little dab'll do ya.

Beautiful.

Good as new.

Now what do you say we go
toss the old ball around?

- Ball!

Fun!

- Ha-ha, let's go.

- Yay.

Ball.

- OK.

You ready, son?

- Ready!

- OK.

Here we go.

Hmm.

Time to break out
the old windup.

- Almost there.

- Son, I don't think
directing TV shows is for me.

Thankfully,
my second job directing traffic

starts in five minutes.

See you at dinner.

- Wait, Dad, you forgot your...

- Traffic whistle?

I got it right here.

[whistle]

Augh!

- Hello.
This is an emergency.

I need a new show director.

[siren wails]

- Let's get this
picture started.

- Grandpat?

- Quiet on the set!

After all, I'm directing
a silent picture.

[giggles]

- Welcome back.

My guest today is Sandy Cheeks.

- Patrick, I've come
here with dire news.

Bikini bottom is doomed.

- Dagnabbit,
this ain't no talkie.

Use the dadgum cards.

[upbeat piano music]

- [silently]

♪ ♪

[silently]

♪ ♪

[silently]

♪ ♪

- Geez Louise, a localized
mass evaporation event

is imminent of Bikini Bottom.

[all groaning]

- Oh, boy.

- Well, you can't say
I didn't try to warn you.

[all groaning]

- [grunting]

[upbeat music]

And I'm ready for the
next segment, Grandpat.

- Yeah?

Well, I'm ready for a nap.

Find yourself a new director.

[together]
Hooray!

- Wow-wee, camper kiddos.

This construction
paper chain is amazing.

- Making paper chains
is super fun.

- I beg to differ.

I'm going to take five.

- Welcome back
to "The Patrick Show."

Join me in welcoming
my brand-new show director,

Bubble Bass.

- Thanks, Patrick.

We are going to
start with a brand-new

segment I like
to call You're Fired.

- Huh?

- Oh boy,
I better get back there.

[panting]

[grunting]

Look, Ma, I'm getting
the exercise you wanted.

Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh.

- Well, good luck with the show.

- Next order
of business, I shall

fire everybody else
associated with this travesty

of a TV program.

- ♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

- You're fired.

- [gulps]

- You're fired.

- [snoring]

- You're fired.

[duck quacks]

You're fired.

Fired.
Fired.

Fired, fired, fired, fired.

Fired.

But delicious.

- Bubble Bass, your services
are no longer needed.

- Oh no, I'm the director,
which reminds me you were...

- The executive producer.

[together]
Uh-oh.

- But don't worry,
I called you a ride.

- Bubble Bass.

[together]
Whoo!

- You are taking
your dear mama shopping.

Let's go.

March, march, march, march.

- But, Mother...

- Am I still fired?

- Of course not.

- Can I come out too?

- Only if you're ready to work
with your favorite

director again.

- Today's show went in all
sorts of different directions,

but I hope you all enjoyed it.

[loud clang]

- Oh, it sure
is good to be back.

Hey, PA, I'll have the usual.

- One mudspresso
coming right up.

- Ah!

[slurps]

Ahh.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

all: Family fun cruise!

Family fun cruise!

- We're almost there.

Get ready to set sail
on the SS "Family Fun."

- Ooh, what should we do
on the ship first?

- Let's check
the cruise brochure.

- Ooh, gimme!

I'll share with everyone.

Here's the all-you-can-eat
island buffet.

- Infinity kiddie pool.

- Senior singles bingo night.

Whoa, mama.

- Say, son,
can we do this later?

Got to keep my eyes on the road.

[together]
Huh?

[all screaming]

Ugh!

Sure is a thick fog.

That means we made
it to the pier.

What a nifty shortcut that was!

- Oh, Cecil, look!

[horn blares]

- Cruise ship ahoy!

All: Family fun cruise.
Family fun cruise.

Ahh!

- Hmm.

It appears I am being
abducted by aliens.

Finally, I get to meet
some intelligent life.

- Look, honey, a full moon.

- Ooh, what a romantic way
to start our vacation.

Both: Mwah!

- Ohh.

- Ugh.

- I am offended.

Ugh.

- Get your metal claws off me.

Ugh!

- [cackles]

Yes, my fellow invaders,
once we've harvested enough

of these primitive
Earth creatures,

we'll be one step closer
to our ultimate objective,

invading planet Earth!

[laughter]

And there will be
no force in the galaxy

that can get in our way.

[cackles]

- Oh, this parking
situation is a mess.

- And what's with
all these green traffic cones?

- No parking there,
none there either.

Nope.

- Ooh, honey,
there's a spot right there!

- I see it.

And it's mine.

[all scream]

- Let the vacation commence.

- Wow.
- [laughs]

[speaking gibberish]

- Ooh, you're an
angry little bellhop.

Room 42, please.

Oh, I mean, cabin 42.

We're on a ship.

And this must be the elevator.

Going up.
[elevator dings]

- [screams]

[elevator dinging]
- Oh, come on.

Come on.

Well, the elevator's broken.

Looks like we're
using our sea legs.

[horn honks]

OK.

We're looking for cabin 42.

These numbers look
like gobbledygook.

- Maybe it's español-ay.

- Let's give it a shot.

Ooh.
- Mm.

All: Wow!

[upbeat music]

- What a beautiful room!

Well-lit.

Hot showers.

And a king-sized vibrating bed.

- Out of my way,
Grandpat's got to take

this puppy for a test nap.

Oh.

- While Grandpat catches
some beauty sleep,

let's explore the ship.

Meet up for dinner?

Both: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Sweet dreams, Grandpat.
- See you later, Grandpat.

- Enjoy your cruise-y snooze.

- [grunts]

This darn mattress needs
some tenderizing.

[grunts]

Ooh, an electric blankie.
[alarm blaring]

- Engine malfunction.

- Dadgum alarm clock.

Ahh!

Ahh.

[snores]

[electricity zapping]

- There's got to be
something fun on this ship.

Whoa.

- Ohh.

Both: Video game arcade.

- Me first.
Me first.

- Get him; get him.

- The action feels so lifelike.

[laser zapping]

Ha-ha, this game's too easy.

- Stop this at once.

What do you think you're doing?

Both: Wow.

Great graphics.

- Why are you sh**ting at us?

We're supposed to
invade Earth together.

We're invasion buddies.

- Too much talking.

- Yeah, back to the action.

- [speaking gibberish]

- [giggling]

[all grunting]

- Stop!
We surrender.

You win.
You win.

- I win?

Huh? Short game.

I wonder if I can
get my quarter back.

Aha!

Ah, guess too late.

Let's get going, Squidina.

- Time to check in
with our invasion buddies.

'Sup, fellas?

[loud expl*si*n]

- Why?

- Uhh.

[whistles]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I think we found
the shuffleboard court.

- [yawns]

[speaking gibberish]

- Now watch the
shuffleboard king at work.

[grunts]

all: Whoa.

We're free!

- Ooh, Cecil, you put some
muscle in that shuffle.

- Thanks, hon.

[grunts]

[both shouting]

- Ahh!

- Excuse me, sir,
this court is in play.

- [speaking gibberish]

- Well, then you can
shuffle off, mister.

- [screams]

- I told him it was in play.

- Dad, stop.

- You guys hungry?

Both: You bet we are.

- [growls]

- Isn't it beautiful?

Once these super
soldier eggs hatch,

we'll be ready to pulverize
this puny planet

even without
our invasion buddies.

- [gasps]

All-day breakfast buffet?

All: Whoo-hoo.

- Nothing will be able
to destroy our invincible army.

[all gulping]

- No.
Stop eating my soldiers!

- [gulping]

- [gulping]

both: Cheers, honey.

- [screams]

all: Huh?

- Ooh.

Breakfast with the captain.

- You, you,
you teraferma twerps,

you ate our entire
invasion force.

- Wait.

You sound pretty cranky.

You should have some breakfast.

- [grumbling]

- [speaking gibberish]

- I hope you're taking me
to the bathroom

for both our sakes.

Ahh!

- Well, saboteurs,
any last words?

- Last what now?

- I think the captain's
looking for feedback.

- Feedback?

Oh.

Well, the breakfast buffet
could use a little variety.

- It was pretty good.

- The decor is a bit gaudy.

- The signage is very confusing.

- Your beds are lumpy.

- The arcade's a rip-off.

[indistinct chatter]

[all shouting]

- And your elevator's broken.

[all screaming]

Ugh!

- Whew.

Thank Orion that's over.

- There's the traitor
who destroyed our ship.

- Wait, I can explain.

- Save it.

I can't believe we were
ever invasion buddies.

[alarm blaring]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Mother.

[loud expl*si*n]

- Whoa-oh-oh.

Look out the back window, kids.

Both: Fireworks.

- What a festive sendoff!

- Why?

Why?

I just wanted
to invade the Earth.

[sobbing]

- Well, that sure
was a nice cruise.

But now it's time
to cruise on home.

Next stop, Bikini Bottom.

Uh-oh.

What did we hit?

- Great Scott, Patron,
some Sunday driver

just bendered our fender.

- Uh, sorry, my bad.

You could just buff that out.

[car alarm blaring]

- I still think
we should exchange

insurance information.

- Oh, I think
I left it on the ship.

I'll be right back.

[all shouting]

- [gulps]

[slurps]