02x06 - The Commode Episode/Tying the Klop-Knot

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

- Juggle, juggle,
juggle, juggle,

juggle, juggle, juggle.

And I'm all warmed up.

Okay, Squidina,

let's kick it up a notch.

- Roger that.

[grunts]

[zany music]

- [grunting]

all: Ooh.

- [grunts]

- [grunting]

all: Ohh.

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

- Thanks!
[grunting]

all: Wow!

- Nothing can stop me now.

[stomach grumbles]
[toilet flushes]

Except a bathroom emergency.

Squidina! Pause it!

[remote beeping]

[music distorts and stops]

[chuckles]

[grunting]

I need a volume-teer
from the audience.

[grunts]

Now un-pause it!
[remote beeping]

- [screaming]

- [panting] Door!

Give me a shortcut
to the downstairs bathroom!

- What's the big emergency,
Patrick?

- Gotta go potty!

- Oh, no!

- Yah!

[yelling]

[grunts]

[playful music]

[yelling]

♪ ♪

[all panting]

[strains]

[whimpering]

- Ah, there's no greater
thrill in life

than installing a new doorknob.

- Aah!

- Oh.
I guess that means we're done.

You still got it, Cecil.

What is this?

An extra doorknob?

[Tinkle barking and panting]

- Is that a treat for Tinkle?

- Uh, you bet it is.

Here, Tinkle!

[Tinkle barks]

Shall we?

- And now to exit the bathroom

by gently turning the doorknob,

which is always exactly
where it's supposed to be.

Hmm.

No doorknob?

Studio audience: Uh-oh.

- [laughs maniacally]

It's okay.
Nothing to worry about.

[hyperventilating]
I-I'll just push the door open.

Uh.

[grunting angrily]

[panting]

Guess I'll just wait
until someone else comes in.

I wonder how long before
I starve to death in here.

[eerie music]

- There.

Glad I was able
to k*ll ten minutes

with this arts and crafts
skeleton

made from bar soap
and toilet paper rolls.

- [echoing]
You'll never get out!

[disembodied screaming,
lightning striking]

- Aw, man.

[panting]

Is anybody out there?

[sighs]

There's gotta be another way.

[bell dings]
Hey, a creature hole.

Maybe whoever lives
in there can help.

Hello?

Is anybody in there?

Hello?

[heavy metal music playing]

[music continues quietly]
Anybody?

Open recipe!

Well, I guess I'm just gonna
have to die in here.

[screams]

- [screaming]

- Ugh.
I don't know how much more

of this screaming I can take.

What the heck is going on
with Patrick?

- [whimpering] I gotta get out!

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, let me help you, Patrick.

[both straining]

Oof!
- [groans]

[shaking lips]

- Hi there, son.

How's your day going?

- The door! The door!

[grunting]

[sighs]

It's no use.

We're trapped.

- Oh, what you call trapped

I call mother-son bonding time.

And maybe I could clean
this place up a bit

while I'm at it.

- [grunts] We're ruined!

The show is a travesty!

Unscheduled bathroom breaks are
eating into our budget,

and the budget is
tight enough as it is.

- [humming]

- I need to sit down.

- Squidina, the door's locked
from the outside,

and I need help getting it open.

- 3:00, second Wednesday
of the month.

You know the drill.

It's time for GrandPat's
monthly shower.

Wah... wah!

- [continues humming]

- Oof.

You guys, the door,
we're trapped!

- ♪ She'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming around
the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be coming around
the mountain ♪

♪ She'll be coming
around the mountain ♪

♪ She'll be coming around
the mountain ♪

- Ha-ah!
- ♪ When she comes ♪

- [vocalizing]

- GrandPat Star, everyone.
- Whoa...

ah!

[panting]

- Great work, GrandPat,
as always.

- Thanks.

- Wonderful, Pop.

- You too.
And them pipes, son.

- Yeah, Dad, great singing.

- Amazing.

- Aw, shucks.

- Anyway, I've got a turkey
in the toaster.

- I've got brain surgery
this afternoon.

- I have to grow a new wart.

- And I gotta get back
to The Patrick Show.

All: So I better get going.

[all gasp]
Where's the doorknob?

- That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

- What?
You mean we're trapped in here?

- Yep.

- Okay, think.

Panicking isn't gonna
help us get out of here.

So, everybody, let's just...

[inhales and exhales deeply]

And calm ourselves down.

[all breathe deeply]

[all scream]

[all breathe deeply]

[all scream]

[all breathe deeply]

[all screaming]

- [grumbles] That's the worst

barbershop quartet I ever heard.

[grumbling]

[all screaming]
What's going on in there?

All: Don't close the...

[sadly] Door.

[Granny screams]
- Help!

Help!

- Don't fear, fair neighbor.

Help is on the way!

Yah!
SpongeBob to the rescue!

All: Don't close the...

- Sorry, folks,
but I need to use the loo.

All: Don't close the...

- Where's the doorknob?

- Here to fix the pipes.

All: Don't close...

- Knock, knock.

Can I interest you in a lovely
new toilet brush?

All: Don't cl...

- Uh, somebody ordered pizza.

- I did.
- Okay, fellas.

Bring 'em in.

All: Don't...
[siren wails]

- Let me in.
Let me in!

All: D...

- The treasure be
right through here, lads.

[indistinct chatter]

- Say, what's everybody
lining up for?

- I don't know,
but it's gotta be good!

[siren chirps]

- Ugh, Patrick... ow...

what are we gonna do?

What about the show?

- Well, our whole audience is
in the bathroom.

Why don't we just
do the show right here?

- That's a great idea!

- All right!

Yah!
[grunts]

- [screaming]

[remote beeping]

all: Ooh.

- [grunts] [loud crash]

[remote beeping]
Juggle, juggle, juggle,

juggle, juggle, juggle...

[all cheering]

- [weary cheer]

- Hey, hey, hey,
you don't gotta beg,

'cause the party has arrived.
[air horn blasting]

- Dad, you're so embarrassing.

- Mm-hmm.

- Is that Patrick Star I see?

Well, howdy, Patrick.
How's things?

- Oh, you know,
same ole, same ole.

Doing the show,
locked in the bathroom.

You know how it is.

- Locked in the...

well, have you tried
sending a message to anyone?

Maybe with that bottle you've
been juggling the whole time.

- [gasps] [clattering]

I have been juggling a bottle
the whole time.

- Yup, that's your ticket
right there,

ole message in a bottle.

- But I don't have
any paper or pens.

- Well, gosh, I suppose I could
be your message in a bottle.

- Okay!

Then, Mr. Dartfish, sir,
you're our only hope.

Do you understand your mission?

- Sir, yes, sir.
- Good.

'Scuse me, folks.

Just gotta reuse
this background.

[militant whistling]

Good luck, soldier.
[toilet flushes]

I just flushed my neighbor
down the toilet.

How about you guys?
Doing all right?

Huh?
[water bubbling]

[mysterious music]

[gasps]

♪ ♪

Aah!

Tinkle!

- And me!

It wasn't easy, but I found help

and... this doorknob.

Ta-da!

- Huh?

Ah!

[anticipatory music]

♪ ♪

We're free!

But in a way, I'm gonna miss
this time we shared together.

I almost wish
it would never end...

[all clamoring]

- [grunting softly]

Whoa!

- Well, I'm starving.
[stomach rumbles]

If only I had a...
[bell dings]

Ooh.

Who left this doggy treat here?

[chuckles]

[gulps, sighs]

I wonder what...

- Yah!

[screaming]

[musical flatulence]

♪ ♪

[all cheering]

both: Aww.
Happy anniversary, hon.

Mm-mwah.

- Is it just like you remember?

- Squidina, when you get
to our age,

you don't remember a darn thing.

Isn't that right,
sea star with glasses?

- Mm-hmm.

- Ooh!
What's this dance?

- Oh, this is the gahooga hooga,

one small part
of the incredibly elaborate

Klopnodian wedding ceremony.

- Oh! Here comes
the most important part.

The final step to consummating
any Klopnodian marriage,

the kissing
of the Stoinkping Cake.

- Mmm.
- You may now kiss

this Stoinkping Cake.
- Aww.

Hmm.
[giggles mischievously]

- I'll never forget
kissing that delicious...

- [gulps]

- Patrick?

- I don't remember that part.

- Where's Patrick?

Patrick!

You traveled back in time

just to eat Mom and Dad's
wedding cake?

- No.

I also ate the hors d'oeuvres...

and one napkin.

- Does this mean Mom and Dad
aren't married anymore?

- Shh!
[whispers] They'll hear you.

- Who?
[booming footsteps]

[both grunt]

[horn blows]
- We are the Klop-Guardians.

- Uh-oh.
- Wah!

- We have come to take
this unwedded Klopnodian

back to her homeland.

- Goodbye, family.

It was nice knowing you.

- But that's our mom!

You can't do this!

- I'm afraid they can, Squidina.

And I'm afraid
I'll have to return

to my life as a bachelor.

- Whoa.

Do you still have those chips?

- So long, kids.

Goodbye, sea star
with a mustache.

- Wait!
If we can finish

a traditional
Klopnodian wedding,

can our parents stay together?

[suspenseful music]

[both laugh]

- Klopnodian wedding can
take weeks,

even years to finish
the rituals involved.

- We'll do it by sunset,

whatever it takes.

- [gulps]

- [gulps]

- [chomps, gulps]

- Very well, pushy squid girl.

But you'll need this Klopnodian
wedding law guidebook.

We'll be watching you
to make sure you get it right.

- [gulps]

- Oh! I'm so excited.

And I have the perfect dress
to wear for the wedding.

- Uh, Mom.

It says here, a wedding dress,
or glangadang,

should be something old,

something bruised,

something stuffed,

and something confused.

Uh...

- Now, there's gotta be
something else

in here that works.

Bruised but not confused.

[grunts]

Old, but not stuffed.
[grunts]

Oh, my. Stuffed,
but in pristine condition.

- You ain't too bad
yourself, lady.

- Fresh!
- Ah!

- GrandPat?
- Conflabbit!

Can't a geezer eat a sandwich
in a dusty old trunk in peace?

- Wait a minute.

Old,

bruised,

stuffed,

confused!

- Who am I?

- [gasps]

- Whoa!
- I've found my wedding dress!

- Homina-what?

Whoa! Wah!

[musical flourish]

Eh.

- Well?

- What do you think?

[both grunt]

- Phew.

We've got a lot more
pre-wedding rituals,

like the Skreek Streak
Marathon...

- Ah!

[pained vocalizing]

[mumbling]

[fire whooshes]

[both grunt]

[all cheering]
- The ceremonial

Shklitza Toss.

- [grunts]
- Over here!

- [groans]

[chuckles weakly]

[both grunt]
[all cheer]

[bouncy music]

- Dakkadakka tent, check.

Unklik outfits, check.

Great job so far, Patrick.

[lawnies cheering]

Oh, barnacles!

We gotta get the lawnies
out of here

to make room
for the Klopnodian guests.

- Leave that to me, little sis.

[strains]

[lawnies cheer]
- Have a great wedding!

- Good luck with the ceremony!

- Congratulations!

- Now to round up some guests,

Klopnodian style.

[panting]

[straining]

Huh-yah!

All: Gahooga hooga!

- Wow.
Great work, Patrick.

- Ah!
- Wah!

- [muffled scream]

- So how we doing on time?

[chuckles nervously]

- Kittoong!



Kittoong!

- [whimpers]

[horn blows]

Places, everybody.

Let's get this wedding started.

Up first, the Ror Faglork,

also known as the ring bearer.

- Blah.

[mumbled] That's my cue.

Klop-Guardians: Hmm.

- Wait, wait.

Oh, it's not ring bearer,

it's ring bear.

- Ring what?

[sea bear growls, huffs]

Ohh.

[sea bear roars]
Aah!

[snarling and screaming]

Klop-Guardians: Mm.
- And now

the traditional
Klopnodian windpipes.

- [laughs]

["Wedding March" playing
in flatulence]

♪ ♪

["Wedding March"]

- My almost wife,

wearing my very own dad.

She's never looked
more beautiful.

- The things I do for love...

- And now to begin
the pinching of the bride.

- Pinch for good luck.

- Then the smiting of the bride.

- Ow! Ah!

- Finally, the lighting
of the bride.

- Wah!

[sobs]

- Aw, GrandPat.

I didn't know
you cried at weddings.

- You're up next, Dad.

Take the Stoinkping
to the end of the aisle.

- This'll be a piece of cake.

- Well, if you can get past
the Argle Gargles.

- Wha?

[Argle Gargles growling]

all: Argle gargle!

- Yah! Charge!

[grunting]

[exciting music]

Yeah!
I'm okay...

[grunts]

[straining]
- Ooh.

All: Touchdown-gadoink!

[crowd cheering]

[cheers and laughter]

- Still got it.

- Hey, Squidina, what'd I miss?

Oh.

[angelic music]

Cake!

- [whispering]
Patrick, remember how we got

in this mess in the first place.

What's your one golden rule
for this wedding?

- Don't make eye contact
with the monkeys?

- No! Don't eat the cake!

- Now we join these two

in holy marscipony...
- [whimpering]

- To be sweet to one another

as they travel
through the sugary glaze

that is life...
- Oh, Patrick.

I bet you're wondering
what flavor I am.

Chocolate, vanilla,

stinky sock,

or maybe even ice cream.

- Uh!

I can't take it anymore!

I need that cake!

- Patrick, no!
- [laughing maniacally]

Ugh! Oof!

Hey.

Who dares to get
between me and cake?

- It is I, Patrick
from the year 3,000,000.

- Ohh.
- Huh?

- I come from the future
to deliver a dire message.

Patrick Star,

you cannot eat this cake.

- Phew.

- Because I want
to eat the cake!

- What?

- Oh, no, you don't.

[both grunting]

- Aw, come on.

[both grunting]

- Hand over the cake or else.

- Or else what?

- Or else I'll punch you in...

[both grunting]

I saw it first!

- I retroactively saw it first
from the future!

[both sobbing]

- There goes our wedding.

Back to Klopnod I go.
- Oh, no!

The bachelor-ification has
already begun.

- It's all ruined.

What are the Klop-Guardians
gonna think?

- Little squid girl.
- [gasps]

[gasps]
- How could you...

- [whimpering]

- Manage to finish
every Klopnodian tradition

in record time?

- Wait, what?

- You even did newest tradition,

the Yekkle Glek,

also known as ze battle
of ze time-traveling children.

- Oh.
[chuckles]

Yeah, well, you know,
that was, uh,

totally on purpose.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down.

They didn't finish
the last tradition,

the kissing
of the Stoinkping Cake.

- How much time is left?

Oh, no!
It's too late!

- Hmm.

Ah.
I bought you 15 seconds.

- Well, what are ya waiting for?

Kiss that cake already!

[both cheering]

[Patricks grunting]
[all cheering]

[both smooching]

both: Mwah!

Both: Happy anniversary, honey.

Mm-mwah!

- Is it just like you remember?

- Sweetie, when you've survived
the robot apocalypse,

you don't remember a darn thing.

[both grunting]

both: Oof! Whoa!

[dramatic music]

- Ooh.

[both smooching]

[expl*si*n blasts]