02x47 - Deduce, Part Deuce/#1 Grandpa

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[FROG CROAKS]

[SPACESHIP BUZZES]

PORKY: [STAMMERS]
When I recall my most
remarkable exploits

in the streets of London...
[STAMMERS] When autumn days
springs to my mind,

things have been slow at
[STUTTERS] Baker Street

for my good friend,
the great detective,

[STAMMERING]
Dorlock Holmes.

There hadn't been any
mysteries to solve as of late.

And Holmes had resorted
to other activities

to ease his troubled mind.

Like crossword puzzles,

origami,

and endless chess matches,
against himself.

Checkmate! Checkmate!

[GRUNTS]

PORKY: Holmes,
you need to relax.

The mind of Dorlock Holmes
cannot relax.

Constantly whirling with
all manner of deductions,

both great and small.

And right now,
it needs to deduce

how to finish this
Wuthering Heights fan fiction.

In mine,
Heathcliff's a cyborg.

PORKY: I had just about
given up on him,

when there was a... a knock
at the door.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

MAILMAN: Telegram
for Dorlock Holmes.

DAFFY: Hmm.

"To the great detective,
Dorlock Holmes.

"Someone has stolen my
Tweety bird, can you help me?

"Sincerely, Granny."

Pack, Mr. Watkins.

We've got ourselves a case.

First stop,
the scene of the crime.

Come on, Watkins.
The game is afoot.

PORKY: We arrived
at the scene of the crime,

where we were greeted
by the grieving owner
of the missing bird.

Oh, thank goodness
you're... here.

All right, spill the beans.

Come on, now. What happened?

Where is the body?
Out with it.

Well, at one moment,
the house was filled
with delightful singing,

and the next,
there was silence.

Ahahah, all right, sister.
Drop the act.

Where were you
on the night of the abduction?

Er, I was... I was here,
sitting in my chair,
going my knitting.

So you admit you were
knitting, eh?

Er, yes.

And is this a picture
of the victim on this sweater?

Why, yes, I knitted myself.

So you admit that

you made this gaudy
holiday sweater?

Watkins, arrest this woman.

Use force if necessary.

Or even if it's not necessary.

Bad fashion sense
is not a crime, Holmes.

DAFFY: Well, it should be.

And what, pray tell, is this?

Oh, that's a neck tie.

It belonged to
my late husband.

Oh. What time
you expecting him?

GRANNY: You're kidding, right?

Let's cut to the chase.

You're actually a man
disguised as a sweet old woman

to throw us off the scent.

- Take off the wig and confess,
you Granny impostor.
- GRANNY: No! [MOANING IN PAIN]

GRANNY: Oh, no! No!
DAFFY : [GRUNTING] Confess!

Hmm... This is
apparently real hair.

I, uh, guess you're
a real Granny after all.

Mr. Holmes,

can you please
just find my bird?

- Look at this!
- What is it?

This carpet is filthy.

I'm no detective, but, uh,

maybe your bird
ran away because
your house is so dirty?

You keep a filthy house.

Well, I never!

Fear not, madam,

for I know exactly
what happened to your bird.

Watkins and I
will recreate... the crime.

- We will?
- I'll play the bird-napper.

And Watkins will play
your bird.

And to the cage with you,
Watkins.

The game is afoot.

Now, it's embarrassingly
obvious that the bird-napper

approached this window
from the outside.

Made a visual on the bird.

And entered your domicile,
here.

Judging by the size
of the window

and the proximity
to the ground,

I can tell you
that the bird-napper
was exactly my size.

[STUTTERS] Dorlock's size.

Once inside,
he busted into the cage.

Reached in
and snatched the bird
like this!

PORKY: Ow. Ow. Ah.

The perpetrator must've
had my exact same
upper body strength,

in order to pull
the bird free, like so.

-[PORKY GRUNTING]
- DAFFY: You see?

And judging by--

Watkins, are you
getting this down?

[STUTTERS] Dorlock's
upper body strength.

DAFFY: As I was saying,

judging by the imprints
on this carpet,

it seems the bird-napper
wrestled your bird
to the ground.

-[PORKY MUMBLES]
- Flying elbow drop.

-[CRASHING]
- Heavens!

One, two, three.
You're kidnapped.

You deduce that?

Well, I spice it up a little.
But, uh, yeah.

Watkins, the game is afoot.

What's this?

Feathers? Wait a second.

I know what's going on here.

Your bird wasn't kidnapped.

He faked
his own death to collect
a life insurance money.

I've seen it a million times.

Tried it a few times, myself.

No... I can assure you,

your bird's not missing.

He's hiding in this...

- vase!
-[VASE SHATTERS]

I mean, he's under this...

- rug!
-[GRANNY YELPS]

Inside this wardrobe!

He's here. I know he's here.

Where is he? Hi-yah!

Well, it appears the bird
is not on the premises.

Watkins, put the damages
on my bill.

And then throw the bill away.

My dear Holmes, the suspect
appears to be your height,

with your upper body strength
and feathers.

If I may be so... [STAMMERS]

If I may say so,
the culprit seems to be--

Me? Are you gonna say, "me"?

'Cause you're right!
It was me!

But, Holmes, [STAMMERS]
why would you do it?

Because I was bored,
that's why.

I didn't have a case to solve,
so I created one.

That's right.
I stole your bird, lady.

And he's right here.
Go ahead, bird.

Tell 'em, "You thought
you saw a p*ssy cat,

"but it was a duck
the whole time!"

Do I really sound like that?

Not at all, deary.

Mystery solved.

Case closed.

Class dismissed.

[DAFFY WHOOPING]

How do you think
this will affect his career?

[STAMMERS] Detrimentally,
my dear Tweety.

[STAMMERS] Detrimentally.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, grandchildren.

How about a nice big hug
for your Grandpa Leslie?

They only cost $5.

Sorry, Grandpa Leslie.

We don't have time
to hang out.

We have to pack
for the super-fancy,

super-expensive ocean cruise
we're going on.

I want to go on a super-fancy,
super-expensive ocean cruise.

We do have an extra bed
in our cabin.

That's why we invited
our other grandpa.

Other grandpa is the best.

PAMPREEN: Yeah.
He's our number one grandpa.

That's why we got him
this shirt.

Number one Grandpa!

- Number one Grandpa!
- Yeah!

[SOBBING]

It's not fair.

I want to be
number one Grandpa.

Ah, buck up, pal.

It's nice that
you want to be number one.

But I'm sure
those kids still love you.

I don't want their love.

I want to be
on that cruise ship,

swimming in giant pools

and eating lavish buffets.

Sheesh. I can't believe
you're not their favorite.

I know, right?

Oh, if only I could
get those brats to love me.

Well, you're in luck,

because I know just the thing
to help you out.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.

Just listen to me and you'll
be on that cruise in no time.

Anchors aweigh!

Don't. Just don't.

Now, if you want to be
number one Grandpa,

you need to show your
grandkids how cool you are.

I don't know how to be cool.

That's why I'm here.

-[GASPS]
- Hey, kids!

Who's that totally radical guy
at the top of the half-pipe?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[LESLIE GULPS]

Extreme!

[LOUD CRASHING]

[LESLIE GROANING]

LESLIE: Ow!

BUGS: Don't worry, doc.

I taped your shoes
to the board.

No way you'll fall off now.

[GASPS] Wait, rabbit.
I have some concerns.

Hey, kids! Who's
that shredding machine?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Extreme!

[SCREAMING]

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

This baby's guaranteed
to keep you from
falling off the board

on your next trip
down the ramp.

But I don't want to go--

[LESLIE SCREAMS]

Oh, I did it.

And now I'm going to be
number one grand--

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

Extreme!

You know what, rabbit?

I think I'm going
to try to become

number one Grandpa
without your help.

Thank you very much.

Look, Leslie,

all you really have to do is
care about their interests.

- And spend time with them.
- Never!

Ooh! I know what I'll do.

I'll trick those kids
into thinking

I care about their interests.

And pretend to want to spend
time with them. He-he-he.

Hey, there, Paul!

I got the old hogskin.

And let's play catch.

I don't wanna.

Oh, come on, Paul.

Throw it here.

Come on, now.

Okay, go long.

Well, let's just try this
and see--

- Longer!
- LESLIE: Fine!

[MUTTERING] All right, champ!

Let's see that golden arm.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

-[PAUL GRUNTS]
-[BALL THUDS]

[HOVERBOARD WHIRS]

[PAUL GRUNTS]

- Nice throw. Heh.
- Thanks.

Now I'll go long.

[SIGHS] Okay,
that's far enough, Paul.

Okay, huck it.

Oh, all right. [GRUNTS]

-[BONES CRACK]
-[SCREAMS IN PAIN]

Oh, my arm!

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,
Mommy, Mommy...

PAUL: Nice throw.

Oh. Hello, granddaughter--

- Ow!
-[THUD]

Okay, rabbit.

Perhaps I need
your help after all.

If you want to be
the number one Grandpa,

you need to be someone
they can look up to.

You need to be...

[WHISPERS] a superhero.

Yeah, are you sure
about this, rabbit?

I'll use this crane

to make you fly around
like a real superhero.

The kids will go
crazy for you.

[LESLIE YELPS]

LESLIE: Ow!

Uh, behold!

It is I, Supergrandpa--

[LESLIE SCREAMING
AND GROANING]

Perhaps I should've
read the manual.

LESLIE: Please stop...

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROANS]

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

That was awesome,
Grandpa Leslie!

And to show our appreciation,

we got you something.

- Yes!
- PAMPREEN: Tada!

Wha... What is this?

"World's best Grandpa"?

I don't want this.

I want to be
number one Grandpa.

So I can get
on that fancy cruise.

-[BONES CRACK]
-[SCREAMS IN PAIN]

My arm! Mommy, Mommy.

Actually, we put
the cruise ticket in the card.

But you threw it away,
so now you're not going!

-[BONES CRUNCH]
-[LESLIE CRIES IN PAIN]

Out of my way, rabbit.

I gotta catch
that paper plane.

Supergrandpa-- [YELPING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRACKLING CONTINUES]

He's looking a little fried.