08x01 - The Missing Links

[bunniefuu]

♪ Puking on the run ♪

♪ He swears at everyone ♪

♪ He's just a lousy no-good boozer ♪

♪ Another welfare loser ♪

♪ Plus his wife is just a big fat wh*re ♪

♪ And his son is rotten to the core ♪

♪ Why do they all stay together ♪

♪ On Kevin Spencer ♪

[upbeat music]

[car door banging]

[car crashing]

Told you you should've let me drive.

Didn't I tell you you were too drunk?

Huh, didn't I?

Narrator: Kevin said,
"Please talk quieter

"because I have a brain injury."

Well, smoking'll help that.

Come on, shop lifting awaits.

Oh my god!

You ruined my car.

Uh-oh, play dead.

[bodies thudding]

[dramatic music]

Hey, hey are you hurt?

I didn't realize.

Here!

This'll keep you warm.

Hang on, I'm just going to call 911.

Well, what a fortuitous turn of events,

what with you being in the market

for a new coat and all.

Narrator: Kevin
couldn't help but agree.

At least he thought he agreed,

since most of what he was
thinking was a jumbled mess

on account of fairly major head trauma.

Oh poor me!

I'm having trouble concentrating
because I hurt my brain.

Hey, everybody, feel sorry for me.

Narrator: Kevin said,
"Watermelon hopscotch."

Just grab the coat and f*cking run!

[upbeat music]

Hey, that's my coat!

Hey!

You coat stealing b*stard!

I'll find you,

and when I do, I will
visit a darkness upon you

the likes of which mankind has never seen.

[laughing] You!

[upbeat music]

♪ In the kitchen cooking stuff ♪

♪ Got the stove on ♪

♪ Bacon is good ♪

♪ Wish I could afford some ♪

♪ Hey, meat in a can gonna eat you ♪

[suspenseful music]

What up, and welcome
back to the hit list.

We got some k*ller new entries this year

Yaya, and I guarantee
you these first couple

are going to be hanging
around come award show time.

I guarantee you one of these

is gonna hit number one with a b*llet.

[rock music]

[expl*si*n booming]

[expl*si*n booming]

[expl*si*n booming]

Boo-yah!

Those new clips are the b*mb.

We gotta take a short break,

but you all stay tuned
'cause when we get back

it's more coverage of the w*r in Iraq.

Jeez, maybe music
videos really is harmful

to today's youths.

[something crashing]

[pan clanking]

What the hell?

[expl*si*n booming]

[body crashing]

I'll get the phone.

[dramatic music]

[Percy whistling]

[Percy laughing]

Gold.

[dramatic music]

It's been four and a half hours, Kevin.

I think we lost him.

Narrator: Kevin said, "Pony's
run faster than arithmetic.

"Let's get cigarettes and some bowls."

I think you mean booze,
that's also a B word.

Come on, I'll bring you to the Camel Toe,

maybe you can drink your
head back to normal.

[suspenseful music]

Look, I'm tied here, I just
need a couple of days' grace.

I'll get the money.

[mumbles] You c*cksucker,
midnight or else.

What's at midnight?

Your last day alive if you
don't come up with the money.

I don't mean to be rude fellas,

but can you wrap up the bullshit

so's I can order a f*cking beer?

Jeez Louise, the whole f*cking world

don't revolve around you!

There's other people, I have feelings too.

If I'm cut, do I not bleed?

[fist slamming]

[Percy groaning]

Yep.

Not in public.

Yeah, youse run away, you
great big incredibly muscular

and fit violent mob enforcer.

Jerks.

Speaking of money I ain't got any,

so's you're gonna have to tab me.

Not a chance.

I need paying customers.

Fine, but its a good
thing for you I was able

to rob my wife because she's unconscious

on the kitchen floor.

Jeez, really?

And you just left her there?

It ain't like there was another option.

You coulda called for help.

Listen here, smarty pants.

Had I called for help, then
I wouldn't have this money

that I stole from her
to give you for beer.

Oh yeah, she'll probably be fine.

Annie's a tough old broad.

[spade smacking]

[body thudding]

You're damn right, I'm tough.

You keep pouring the f*cking beer, Marty,

Annie's parched.

[upbeat music]

[gulps] Ahh, again.

Step ahead of you.

[gulps] So, you seen Percy today?

Yes, he's on the floor over there.

Huh, I wonder what
the hell happened to him.

You didn't by any chance get hit

in the head today did you, Annie?

Who wants to know?

I didn't mean anything by it.

Fine, f*ck, relax!

I just meant that I ain't got no idea

who the hell you is.

Gimme another, Marty.

Hey, you seen Percy today?

Hey, snap out of it boy.

Boy, follow me.

I believe this is yet another dilemma

that can be rectified by
the magic elixir, beer.

Annie, here comes your boy.

Oh, hey Kevin.

Have you seen Kevin?

Kevin said, "Beer, wings,
scotting and hydrofoil."

No, I ain't seen your daddy,

but have you seen Kevin?

Again.

[Percy groaning]

[twinkly music]

Oh, I'll show you some head hitting.

I'll show you some right good.

[Percy yelling]

[bodies crashing]

Gimme a beer.

Five bucks, and Annie
didn't pay for hers either,

so cough up another five for that.

What the hell is that?

Garter snake.

Why I got one of them in my pocket?

Don't know.

Trade you a garter snake for beer.

Go to hell!

You better hope I don't
that's all I got to say.



Jerk.

[Annie groaning]

[snake charming music]

Oh, hello snake.

[screams] It's a fat, ugly, unwashed man!

[bones crunching]

[discordant music]

[Annie screaming]

Well, that'll probably leave a mark.

Top of the fudge
silo, Mr. Good Aardvark.

Beer.


still owe for the past three.

Surely, hey, have you Percival
child I saw saw saw seen?

You might wanna see a
doctor after you're finished

spending all of your money on beer.

Me good you want me to good me too?

Well, it's cause we go way back, Annie.

Oh, I forgot to mention,
beer prices went up.

Now you owe me $100.

Well then, I'll just get it myself,

along with a sizeable tip.

[energetic music]

As Napoleon would say, sweet.

Narrator: Kevin had just
come to on the floor of a bar,

and his head was a chaotic
jumble of misfiring synapses

and broken trains of thought.

So pretty much business as usual then?

Come on, let's get drunk.

Narrator: Kevin said--

[discordant music]

Well, this is fantastic.

Hang on, Kevin.

Now, normally I'd be the type of bird

what's gonna suggest we
get to the boozing later,

but what we have here
is a unique opportunity.

Narrator: Kevin said [groans].

How's about I just
connect the dots for you?

Your daddy is on the floor over there,

and as near as he's gonna remember,

his head injury is on
account of your psych mom.

So, I'm thinking free shots!

Narrator: Even though
Kevin was having a hard time

following the bird's train of thought,

somewhere deep in the base
instinct of his psyche,

his abject instinctual
dislike of his father

rose to the occasion.

[Kevin giggling]

Atta boy, see if you can't
hit your daddy in the head

with this pool ball.

[ball clunking]
[Percy groaning]

Feels good, don't it?

That's bold, now let us
commence with the consumption.

Hey Kevin, you know you're a minor.

I can't serve you unless you have money.

Jeez, Kevin, a cheap orange novelty wig.

Just what I always wanted.

Tell you what, leave the wig,
I won't give you any beer,

and f*ck off until you get some money!

Narrator: Kevin said,
"Vampires ate my autobond."

Come on, boy, let's
go get us some money

and sort this mess out.

I tell you, there are days

where I regret picking your f*cking head.

[chair smacking]

I am offended by the
aesthetics of your hat.

Hey, long time no see.

Hey, can you do me a
favor and lend me $1000?

One should not conduct
business with friends,

for heartache and misery
are surely a bedfellow

soon to follow.

Holy sh*t, that last knock on the head

must've opened up that part
of your brain that's smart.

Indeed, intellectually
enlightened and self aware,

which has presented a quandary.

Go on, since I'm
just pretending to know

what the f*ck you're talking about.

It would seem upon
reflection that the lion's share

of my life has been a wasted cycle

of alcoholism, abuse and
reprehensible behavior.

So, you're thinking
of changing your ways?

No, I'm thinking of asking
you to hit me in the head

in hopes of returning to
my former state of bliss,

unencumbered by responsibility

and the guilt-prompted desire
to contribute to society.

I'll do it, for 1,000 bucks.

I am afraid my funds
are depleted to a state

that renders such a
possibility impossible.

So how about I just do
it to shut you the f*ck up?

[bottle smacking]

[Percy snoring]

Damn you for being poor,
you fat useless prick.

[clock ticking]

C'mon Marty, think, think,

you're too beautiful to die.

[clock ticking]

[dramatic music]

[hopeful music]

[crickets chirping]

[energetic music]

Oh, what a lovely bathtub, Senator.

[Annie laughing]

[screams] The bird could've
done without seeing that.

[sinister music]

Time's up, Marty, give us the money.

I aint got it, so go to hell.

You know what to do.

Last chance.

I ain't paying so take your best shot.

By the way, I screwed your mother.

[spanner smacking]

That's the best you got, as*h*le?

You hit like a little girl!

Tell you what, freak,

I got 10 bucks says you can't
split my f*cking head open

with a bar stool.

[stool smacking]

I see the light!

Is that you, Jesus?

Oh goodbye, cruel world!

Well, that's a fine how do you do!

Now, how the hell am I
supposed to get the money

from a dead man?

Sorry boss.

Ah, that's okay.

I know how you like your
hitting and whatnot.

Let's beat it before the cops come.

Done and done,

Marty, you is a f*cking genius.

[feet stomping]

Hey Marty, what are you doing?

Marty: Kicking my fat
drunk friend in the head.

Can I get a beer?

Uh huh, just let me finish up.

[feet kicking]

[Annie laughing]

f*cking do something boy!

You know I can't go nowhere without you!

Jesus H, come on, I'm disappearing, Kevin!

Don't let me die, Kevin, I'll beat you!

Don't let me die!

[melancholy music]

Sweet Lucifer's scrotum, it's him!

[intense music]

Uh oh, run, boy, run!

Run like the wind!

[man roaring]

[fist smacking]
[body thudding]

Steal my coat, will you?

I don't think so!

Let's see how you like it!

I'm gonna take all your clothes,

you lousy disrespectful juvenile!

[man laughing]

Well, you've been a good friend, Percy.

[grunts] See you in hell.

[body thudding]

[water splashing]

[peaceful music]

[woman screaming]
[Percy grunting]

[Percy imitates gorilla]

[women screaming]

[Annie screaming]

[Annie munching]
[man yelling]

[peaceful music]

[people laughing]

[Kevin munching]

[men screaming]

The city, indeed the
world, is abuzz today

with what some scientists are calling

the most important
cryptozoological discovery

in the history of mankind.

We go now to footage
captured earlier this morning

of what leading
anthropologists are calling

proof of the missing
link and Neanderthal man.

[Percy grunting]

I'm joined now by a scientist

with a university degree in science.

What does all this mean?

Hard to say at this point.

Obviously, we need further study.

Well, science has spoken, Father,

and according to them, Darwin was right,

and God is dead, thoughts?

Well, that's ridiculous.

A more complex analysis is needed

prior to jumping to any conclusions.

God works in mysterious ways.

Easy for you to say.

If indeed this is God's work,

then are we looking at Adam and Eve,

and if so, is the little
one the Christ child?

That's ridiculous.

We've been telling you that for years.

Go to hell.

Make me!

So, the age-old debate rages on.

We have assembled a graphic

to help clear things up for our viewers.

Tom, can we see the graphic?

[choral music]

We have more breaking news on this story.

We go now live to my colleague, Jim.

Jim?

Well ,by the looks of it,

both science and religion
will have to wait,

because what has been
called the Bigfoot family

has been captured by oil and
fuel magnate Donyel Givins.

I am joined now by Mr. Givins.

Hello.

Mr Givins, you are known worldwide

as the major benefactor
of the environment,

owner of many zoos, your
own biodome and the like.

What are your plans for
the missing link family?

Well, I tell you what I miss,

the good ol' days of family values,

and people meeting at
the community gas station

and the malt shop to get
to know their neighbors.

I wanna recreate some of the nostalgia

of those grand old times long gone,

so I'm gonna put the
whole family in a cage

outside of my flagship
gas station [laughs].

[gasps] But I thought

you already had a retired
circus bear out there?

I sold the bear to a
trophy hunting company

where it was returned
to its natural habitat.

And then shot in the head

by a Japanese businessman two hours later.

Excellent!

[upbeat music]

Oh f*ck off, you little prick!

[boy crying]

No, no, wait, wait, send help, please!

Please help us!

f*cking guy's late with our lunch slop,

burns my a*s!

Hey boy, you got any smokes?

Shhh, don't talk so loud

or they'll come and hit
us in the head again.

So?

We gotta get outta here.

Don't look at me, why
I gotta do everything?

The f*cking boy don't do nothing.

Annie: f*ck, he's
Ret*rded or something.

Percy: So are you.

Annie: f*ck you!

Percy: And fat.

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work and never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Allen: Well, this is
another fine predicament

you've gotten us into, Kevin.