07x12 - Demolition Derby

[bunniefuu]

[water bubbles]

[bell rings]

[loud upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer. ♪

♪ Something is wrong with that kid. ♪

♪ Kevin Spenser. ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did. ♪

♪ Something is wrong with that kid. ♪

♪ He's a kid from an
alcoholic sociopath. ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path. ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer. ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking alcoholic ♪

♪ sociopath. ♪

Percy: Oh, not this crap again.

[bright upbeat keyboard music]

[spits]

Narrator: Because it
was a Tuesday morning.

Kevin was in the camel Toe

getting right wholly drunk with his dad.

[laughs] Camel's beer, more.

Kevin had never seen his
father this drunk before.

Mostly because Percy had been awake

for three straight days drinking.

[Percy roars]

Bar Attendant: I
gotta cut you off, Percy.

I not drunk.

I give a f*ck how drunk you are,

you got no money left.

Get them out of here, Kevin.

You should've answered me.

[burst of discordant noise]

[Allen the Magic Goos]
Damn boy, how did that

[mumbles] drunk.

Kevin couldn't help but agree.

Yes he can and you
will spread the bubby now.

So, would you take him
home and put him to bed.

Well, that would certainly an option.

Kevin figured it would be more fun

to steal the old man's pants,

and leave them lying in a
ditch beside the highway.

Dear Kevin, I don't know
what happens if he gets hurt,

or embraced.

Evan said that until the old
man spent a day in his soul,

He didn't know from hard, so f*ck off.

[laughs]

[Door opens]

[door slumps]

Now where the hell did you all bathtub?

Kevin couldn't remember what car

they had driven to the bar.

But after a quick look around,

he was pretty sure he'd
found the right one.

Who yeah, that looks a
perfect pub job all right.

[loud hip hop music]

[car engine roars]

[dramatic keyboard music]

Lord don't wake, he's gonna
be angry when he wakes up.

You're gonna have to watch your back.

Kevin said maybe they'd get lucky,

and the old man would die of exposure,

or maybe at the hands of a dr*fter.

Hey boy. He's got a smoke.

[Allen scream]

Oh, good. You stole my pants.

Kevin wasn't sure what
to make of the old man,

but since he seemed to be off the hook,

he figured he'd just
have to buy it as time

until the next opportunity
to leave the fat b*stard

for dead presented itself.

Jesus Christ. Where is we?

Kevin told his father,

that he didn't feel like
answering his question.

No, maybe you feel like a
tack up side f*cking brain box

for disrespecting your daddy.

Huh? Is that when you feel
like, is it? A hit from daddy?

Kevin said the only thing
he wanted from his father

was his cut of the child support money,

and to be left the f*ck alone.

Like I'd never waste money on my kids,

get in the f*cking car. I'm driving.

Kevin was worried that his father might

still be too drunk to drive,

mostly because he didn't
feel like driving himself.

Yeah, right. Percy B Spencer
is never too drunk to drive.

[forlorn bluesy music]

[car engine roars]

[car falls on the road]

[car engine roars]

Big f*cking pothole eh boy.

Kevin said, "Please God,
don't let it end like this."

What's the matter boy?
Afraid of a little car crash.

Now I gotta do it is
get back on the highway,

and we've home free.

Hey, you never give me
that smoke I asked for.

[car crushes]

[car engine roars]

Oh, I suppose I gotta light
the f*cking thing myself.

[phone rings]

Kevin's Mum: Get the phone Percy.

Hey boy, do your mama right
and answer the g*dd*mn phone.

Boy!

Somebody, get the f*cking phone.

God I hate my family.
[phone rings]

Who is it?

Phone. Phone.
[loud drum beats]

[bouncy piano music]

[car crush]

[bouncy piano music]

Where did it go boy. It's gonna fly.

Kevin couldn't quite
figure out how that made sense

since it was the old man who had driven

the car off the highway
in the first place.

Yeah. Well only cause you distracted me

being stupid and sh*t.

Kevin said, "Maybe you're
the one that's stupid."

You're stupid.

Kevin said, "No, you are."

Jeez, you're giving me a headache.

f*cking lousy kid.

You know they're in a day goes by

I don't regret knocking up your mother.

[car crush]

Hey, government take the
f*cking roads a f*cking roads.

I'll f*cking show them who's bad.

[car engine roars]

They're so lucky, I ain't
never paid tax bits,

that's all I got to say.

[bouncy piano music]

It was getting pretty late in the day,

and Kevin had been
sometime between drinks,

and he really had to go to the bathroom,

so he asked the old man
if he could pull over

at the next gas station.

My gut is well since we're
f*cking loss, thanks to you.

Now I gotta make a f*cking fool
of myself in that direction.

[crowd cheering]

There's a play.

Kevin told the old man
that it didn't look too much

like a garage.

Like you'd know. I bet
you never even seen a garage.

I has so that makes me better
than you so go to hell.

[knocks stall]

[car engine roars]

[bouncy piano music]

Food must be good. No
f*cking parking spot anywhere.

I just wait for someone
to leave, smoke me.

Kevin was getting sick of
the old man mooching cigarettes

and he was also getting a bit
queasy inside because to him

this sure didn't look too much like

a gas station parking lot.

[Field Instructor]
Gentlemen starts your engines,

[car engines roar]

And on three, two, one.

Harvator.

[high intensity chase music]

Sweet there's a spot.

[cars bang] What the,

I f*cking drive and you f*cking idiot.

[cars bang]
[high intensity chase music]

What? Oh, so that's how it's gonna be.

Hang on, boy,

could nobody and I made nobody duals

Percy B Spencer parking spot.

[Percy screams]

[cars bang]

[high intensity chase music]

[car engine roars]

[Percy screams]

[glasses crack]

Oh, I don't think so.

[high energy rock music]

crowd screams]

Ladies and gentlemen it
looks like we have a winner.

And watch this.

Oh boy. Looks like he
ain't done yet folks.

My f*cking, parking lot.

[car engine roars]

[Percy screams]

[glasses smash]

[fast-paced rock music].

And here comes Our lucky winner now.

[hand claps]

[fast-paced rock music].

[phone rings]

For f*ck sake answer the phone.

I swear to God, y'all g*dd*mn
regret it if you don't.

[phone rings]

Boy I said get the phone. f*ck.

[bouncy music].

[lighthearted guitar music].

Let me see if I got this straight,

cause in case you ain't notice.

I spent most of the last
few days in a haze alcohol.

I have suffered another new
theories of head injuries,

Kevin laughs]

and I at least according to some doctors

and other people to pose to
the, you know, I'm stupid.

Although I think they,
it's all f*cking wrong

and get out to get me cut
of what I know about thing.

But are you telling me I
can actually get paid money

for driving my car and
other people's cars?

Kevin told the old man,

that that was the long and short of it.

How come I'm just
finding out about it now.

Kevin saying it was
probably because he was stupid,

and never paid attention to anything other

than his next drink.

And how?

Hey, you know what, we should do?

Get some peanut. Oh and also
we should go on the road and be

professional demolition Derby guys.

Think of the money we could make

and the rage we could take out
on the rest of the society.

Kevin was surprised because
for the very first time

he could remember his father
seemed to have a good idea.

Here's to a new life
and a perfect plan.

Kevin was excited
about starting a new life,

and leaving everything else behind.

[galloping drinks] But he
couldn't shake the feeling that

he and the old man were
forgetting something.

[phone rings]

[forlorn bluesy music]

[phone rings]

You don't get that f*cking phone,

and I swear to God

I'm gonna up bust y'all
favorite breaking glass.

[phone rings]

I'm warning you.

[glass busted]

[phone rings]

Nothing, huh?

It's busted good idiot.

You want more?
[phone rings]

And I'll bring it a all.

I swear to God if you
don't answer that phone,

I will destroy everything you love.

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

[calm string music]
[phone rings]

[TV cracks]

Answer the f*cking phone.

[bouncy piano music].

Kevin told the old man that
according to the pamphlet,

they could make their
way around the country

competing in demolition derbies

and that if they won them all,

they can make close to
$20,000 in one year,.



Look at me, I'm Lord rich
pants with my mashy smashy car.

Kevin wasn't too sure
that spending his life

traveling around and hit
country fairs with a grown man

who said things like smashy
smashy car was a good idea.

Yeah. Well, the only thing
you'd know about a good idea

is not f*cking ever having one.

I'm going out.

I suggest you use your time
alone to do some soul searching,

and then if you still have
some time enough to over

use it to go f*ck yourself.

Daddy had spoken

[foot stamps]
[rhythmic rock music]

Looks like we got asked
to yield the good old fish,

and deficient to me.

[bouncy music],

On the one hand living hand to mouth,

relied on your man for
assessing infant shelter,

maybe foods bit,

however driving fast to
caching coping the thing

sure is fun.

Not to mention if you get
loaded while you're doing it.

Dennis [mumbles] from here on in,

you, men, and Percy is predation,
devolution devil drivers.

Come on boy. Let's find
your daddy and get hammered.

Kevin said, "Hey, maybe if
we look in the nearest bar,

we'll find them there."

Gee, with you think.

[laughs]

[phone rings]

[weeping guitar music].

Say goodbye to your
blessed collection Percy.

[phone rings]

Well now you know I ain't decking around,

so she gotta get the damn phone.

[phone rings]

Oh, you wanna play hard boy.

Well I got game mother f*ck.

[enchanted flute music]

Donya: Hey, I see you today.

That sure was some nice driving.

Half scale, half blind
drunk and anger at the world.

Oh, well, you sound dangerous.[giggles]

I like dangerous men.

You ain't done sh*t
yet, baby. I'm going pro.

I didn't even know it was a contest today,

so I want to even trying.

Next time I might jet
even f*cking k*ll a man.

So, you're going to the
Winchester world's fair

next weekend?

That way the next Derby it's gonna be?

Uh huh [affirmative]

And what you think.

Boy, [laughs] I bet you're
going be there all right.

All right is right.

Be a darling and get me
two pitchers of beer,

and get a small draft for yourself.

f*ck your smooth.[laughs]

I'll be right back.

Chaite: Hey Donya.

Chaite.

I see you're taken up with
the latest flavor of the month.

I don't owe you nothing.

Are you're gonna get
them beer with or what?

You got lucky at
the track today, buddy.

Lucky drunk and full of
vehicular homicidal rage.

What's the difference?

Oh, there's a
difference buddy a big one.

Big and a big ones. Kapow.

You're gonna be in Winchester?

Is my wife fat?

Don't let the wife thing turn you off.

I ain't loyal or nothing.

I'm f*cking Watford
can't I get the upgrade,

and you baby is a step up.

Jesus. f*ck. That's romantic.

You want romance baby?

How's about we go back to my hotel room,

and I treat you to the most

mediocre seven minutes of your life.

Wow. Seven minutes.

I ain't been with a man
who could go like that

in a long time.

I guess you wasn't with a man then.

I'll see you at the
Derby in Winchester, buddy.

I'll be the one who
smells like alcohol,

and your ex girlfriend.

Oh by the way, she's got crabs.

Who don't.

Wow. That was exciting.

I never had two men fight over me.

I did. When I was in prison.

That sure did hurt.

Though anyway, is you wanna go
to my room and have one off.

[screams]

[melancholy orchestral music].

Get the f*cking phone

Or I swear to God I will
squash the oil of any ruminant

that you ever f*cking
existed Percy Spenser.

[metal bang]

[door opens]

Ooh, look Kevin you gotta a new mommy.

[car door slumps]

How'd she go?

Hook, lie and sinker.

[laughs]

[car engine roars]

[door slumps]

[switch tapped]

[Allan vomits]

I could have done without seeing that.

Kevin had to agree
that seen his father naked

was both horrific and mentally scarring,

Not to mention a f*cking
feminist view in 20 years.

Hey boy, you gotta smoke.

Oh, why won't he stop doing that?

Let me guess,

I got drunk and some woman
stole all the money I won.

Kevin said that was about
the long and short of it.

Man In Red Car: Put some pants on.

Hey, f*ck you.

Hey what's that big white
thing in there on the floor.

Kevin told his father
it was called a bathtub.

Yeah, I heard of them.

So you got any money? Me neither,

but I know where we can get some.

That they're demolition Derby
in Winchester's tonight.

He's offering five grand for the winner.

Five grand was almost enough
to make someone a millionaire

if you did math as well as the Spencer's.

But as nearest Kevin could
figure it was just one problem.

Yeah, I want that.

Kevin didn't figure the old
man would have it in him to win

unless he was good and drunk.

And since they didn't have any money,

they weren't going to be
able to get their bodies

teetering on the edge
of alcohol poisoning.

Come on, we'll figure thumping out.

Not dimension said Kevin,

they didn't even have a car to drive

in the demolition derby.

G, you're right, whatever shall we do?

If only I could think of a way for you

and me to get our hands on a car.

[bouncy piano music][laughs]

Where are we gonna get a car?

f*ck is funny sometime?

[bull dozer engine roars]

Answer the phone.

[bass thumping beat].

Nice care. What did he things
run like at 1 million bucks?

Yeah, that's the car you wanna steal.

It's good to get something
that's f*cking comes back to you

with it possible.

Jeez the taste boy, what was you thanking?

Kevin had to admit that
his father had offered forth

some valid concern.

Nevertheless, the way
Kevin had things figured.

If you were going to steal
a car for no other reason

than to destroy it,

then stealing the most
expensive car possible

was the very best way to go.

Holy smokes look at
that size of that dog.

There is a beer store pull in.

I gotta get a square Cooley's
to get my drive and load on

Attaboy. Kevin. Ticket to
the funny Walker.[laughs]

[enchanted flute music],

Well, well, well if
it isn't fatty stupid hat

and mall hairs g*ng,

you gonna pay for screwing
me out of my money.

Go to hell. Come on honey.

Your going down Spencer.

I ain't afraid of you.

You should be.

There's lots of things I should be.

That don't even make much sense.

You don't know that half
of what goes on in my mind,

and that don't make sense.

Come on Kevin, the tuna we register.

the sooner I can mash a car
under these two a*s hole.

[foot stamps]

Register Man: I'll will set.

I need the make and model of the car.



How's your what? What's it?

Did he show you 2005 Bentley.

That's right.

I ain't that lockup. $400,000 car,

Something like that
probably more, you know,

cause it's fully loaded.

And you're gonna demolish
it in the demolition Derby?

That's great.

Mr. you're either crazy or insane.

Maybe I am or maybe
I'm not even one or both,

but that's for me to know.
And you'd have to find out.

[screams]

[rocket launches]
[phone rings]

[laughs]
[phone rings]

[melancholy orchestral music]
[car engine roars]

[gallops]

On your marks,

get set,

smash!

"Oh, oh." Thought Kevin in
all his mother's excitement

over getting back at Chet,

he had trained too hard,

and drunk himself into
a near comatose state.

Kevin knew it was his moment to shine

on behalf of the noble Spencer name.

Then Kevin got the thinking.

Then no matter how well he drove,

it was always the chance
he wouldn't win anyway.

So Kevin figured it would be
a whole lot more productive

to just smashed the car under the guy

holding the first place money bag,

and steal the cash.

[car engine roars]

[forlorn bluesy music]

[loud bang]

[laughs]

[loud bang]

[phone rings]
[C-Saw roars]

Oh there you are get the phone.

Relax.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Man On Phone: Rue?

Not wrong number.

[mumbles]
No, no, no problem at all

It would help meet up.

[C-Saw roars]

[screams]

[high intensity chase music]

[screams]

[C-Saw roars]

[screams]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did. ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer. ♪

♪ Sociopath. ♪

f*cking heritage like they're cool.

[water bubbles]