06x10 - Mother's Little Helper

[bunniefuu]

[bubbles popping]

[chiming]

[relaxing music]

[wolf howling]

[eerie music]

[tombstone exploding]

[intense music]

Trying to get rid of me?

We'll see about that.

[suspenseful music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[laughing]

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Narrator: We are back to the show

that lets couples redecorate
each other's homes.

It's "Grenading Places".

Let's look at what
the McNaughton family

did to their neighbor's
house, the Spencers.

We've made a real fix
up project out of it,

using inspiration from the Colonial style,

but with patterns that
give it a sense of fun.

It's a veritable bone-anza of color.

Let's see what the Spencer family

did with the McNaughton's house.

[slow upbeat music]

[grunting]

We ain't finished yet.

Hit it boy, pawn shop closes in an hour.

[car tires squealing]

Oh my stars!

I've been burgled.

[dopey music]

Ah, yes.

A good,

hard,

burgling.

[quirky music]

Narrator: Next week
on "Grenading Places".

We redecorate the home of a woman

who's been horribly
m*rder*d in her living room?

[sniffing]

Pew.

This may require an air freshener.

♪ Yeah ♪

[sirens wailing]

Why's the whole house
at a f*ck' angle?

Somethin's comin' out
of the ground or somethin'.

It's messin' up the foundation.

It's hard enough aiming at the toilet

without gravity screwing you on the deal.

I phoned the city,
they're sendin' someone over.

Fine, if you're not gonna do anything.

f*ck I can't even play our
stolen pool table no more.

[pool ba*ls clanking]

[ground slurping]

Wanna know somethin'?

I betcha we's rich ma.

I betcha it's a great big blob of oil,

just waitin' to bust out.

Just like that show where
them pig-ignorant hillbillies

get all that oil, ya remember?

Dallas?

[guitar string plucking]

Narrator: Kevin told
his parents he doubted

there was any oil under the house,

since they lived nestled on
the rocky, ice-aged scab,

known as the Canadian shield.

The house was more likely suffering

from some form of subterranean shift,

due to the natural plate tectonic drifting

of the Earth's surface.

I oughta drift you
for tryin' to come off

smarter than the old man.

Come on, let's see if we can get that oil.

Would ya look at that?

It's almost noon and I ain't
even got a glow on yet.

I'm gettin' old.

Have fun with ya diggin'.

[suspenseful music]

Youch!

I gotta get this hangover
away from all that rackin'.

[shovels digging]

[calming music]

[car door shutting]

Hey, get back here ya slack-a*s,

we barely broke soil here.

Come on, come back.

No oil for you.

I should warn you, it's
pretty gruesome in there.

And the smell, let's just say

that she's been in there for a while.

[door opening]

[shuddering]

I just, uh, give me that evidence bag.

[vomiting]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

A police spokesperson
said they needed more funding

to research using ducks
to find pedophiles.

And now, our next story.

[bell dinging]

m*rder, m*rder, m*rder.

The first m*rder of the
year, a mother is dead

and her young daughter missing, kidnapped,

and believed terrified by
her errant, absentee father.

A $10,000 reward has been offered--

[spitting]

Freakin' news, never
has nothin' interesting.



[clicking]

Disgustin'.

If the girl ain't dead, she will be soon.

You know what they're probably
gonna do to that kid now.

I just don't bear thinkin' about.

Jesus, God in heaven help us
all, I can't begin to guess.

Holy f*ck, would ya shut up?

You're bringin' me down.

I just hope I find the little twit,

and pocket that sweet reward.

[belching]

Frick Marty, I thought you
weren't supposed to give booze

to pregnant women?

[gulping]

Mama's drinkin' for
two, gotta feed baby.

Hey, my mother drank
while she was havin' me,

and it didn't affect me bad, and my brain,

and like, stuff.

Mine too I guess.

Wife kept drinkin' when
she was havin' the boy too,

so I guess it's all good then.

Only thing I'm addicted to
is these here reality TV shows.

For f*ck sakes.

Marty: Aww, give it a chance, Percy.

Check out "Paradise Penitentiary".

TV Host: This week on
"Paradise Penitentiary",

will these sex-starved prison inmates

be able to keep their
hands off each other,

if we remove their porn?

[gulping]

I got a short answer for ya, no.

What's on the comedy channel?

Same ol' f*ck' re-runs.

Show Announcer: Comin' up,

the comedy of "Mellon and Wilde".

See, here's why
reality shows are doomed.

They'll never have the
kinda re-run steam power,

of someone like Mellon and Wilde.

They're a Canadian institution.

You'd know about institutions, Percy.

[laughing]

Folks, here's the part of the show

where we show how topical we
are by making fun of things,

like leaded gasoline,
happy days, and manics.

[audience laughing]
[audience clapping]

That's right.

So if you're a big fan of Lester Pearson,

or the Bay City Rollers,
you may wanna leave the room

because we get pretty brutal.

[audience laughing]

[audience groaning]

You look bored, Kevin.

Looks like you need a dose of
Marty's new "Family Fun Zone".

Come on, try the bumper cars.

Narrator: Kevin asked
Marty what the hell kind of

sad-a*s, sack-of-sh*t fun he was supposed

to have with one bumper car.

[lighter flicking]

Now I'm still makin'
payments on the other ones,

but I'm sure you can still have some fun.

At least we don't have that water slide

at the urinal anymore.

Narrator: Kevin told Marty
that he really didn't have

much of a "Family Fun Zone".

You don't have much of a family, kid.

Percy: For Christ's sakes, Marty,

get back here and change the channel.

You were right, this sh*t is terrible.

[glass breaking]

If the bombings in
Cambodia are ever gonna stop,

you better believe it'll be

because we didn't pull
any punches here tonight.

[audience clapping]

Bombings in Cambodia?

That's a bit dated.

Well, who gives a sh*t about
the Bay City Rollers anymore?

[crickets chirping]

Okay, how about some impressions?

♪ Yeah ♪

Anchor: Shawna alert.

Shawna alert.

This is a Shawna alert.

If you see this girl, you
should do something about it

as soon as it's convenient for you.

Narrator: Kevin wondered about

what had happened to Shawna.

He did have an odd fascination for her

that went somewhat beyond
the usual stalkings.

And it all made Percy very suspicious.

Christ Marty, the little
ret*rd's had a horn-on

for that missin' chick since forever.

He probably knows where she
is, frick he probably done it.

[glass breaking]

Percy, you know what that means?

Yeah, the reward money's in the bag,

I just gotta wait 'til he slips up.

Narrator: Turning in
his own flesh and blood

was all in a day's work for Percy,

which would've been a depressing thought

if it weren't for the fact
that it proved immoral people

can sometimes do the right
things for the wrong reasons.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

I just love shoppin' for used clothes

at this Bargain Village.

[blowing]

Wow, this is handy.

Stock market advice from 1929.

[videos clacking]

Betamax cassettes to
learn the break dancing.

Welcome to Bargain Village.

I'm the village manager,

and this is your village
customer service rep.

Yeah and I'm the village wh*re,

and he's the village idiot.

Now outta my way, I'm
huntin' for bargains.

Certainly, we just wanted
to make sure your son planned

on paying for all those things
he stuffed in his pants.

[xylophone music]

Put it back boy, don't
you ruin this day for me.

[items falling]

Look at this.

Almost every kinda
CSA-rejected children's toy

you could ever want.

You remember your old walker?

Yeah, the children's aid said
we should just throw it away.

But who had the last
laugh in the end, hey boy?

Eww, A-track tapes to learn Esperanto.

Narrator: Kevin found the idea

of buying used books, disgusting.

Because when people read,
they often pick their nose

and wipe it on the pages.

A typical used book is
hardly anything more

than a politely wadded tissue
of antiquated nose pickings.

But for some reason, Kevin couldn't resist

the title of this one.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Why's it called the
Heritage Food Court?

What's so heritage about it?

Because we run our food court

the way our Canadian
forefathers built the railroad,

with cheap asian labor.

Get the picture?

What railroad?

[sighing]

Hey look, there's a sale on
lime green mid-drift halters.

Ooh, lime green mid-drift halters,

I've been lookin' for those.

[man speaking]

I think he was lyin' about that sale.

Holy sh*t!

What's this now?

Slam girls!

Slam for Shawna.

Rage against the ones who took her.

Fight against the world that shook her.

A world that turns us into hookers.

It stops.

The end.

[clapping]

[laughing]

We're like raising
money for the Shawna fund.

So far, we've raised like

several hundred dollars for the family,

less our administrative
percentage of course.

You realize what those animals
are probably doin' to her?

I can tell ya some stories I heard.

Rumor has it the police actually
did find the girl's body,

but they're not sayin' anything yet

because it was so horrible.

Oh they--

Narrator: Kevin sure noticed
that this terrible event

was bringing out some terrible
elements in the community.

Wow, I wonder if I should get involved

with this underground poetry thing.

[scoffing]

Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Come on, boy, I gotta find somethin'

that let's me make bacon in the microwave.

Good afternoon sir.

I'm from the city surveying office.

Well good for you, pin d*ck.

Yes, good for me, good for me indeed.

But not good for you.

I'm here about your claim
for oil drilling rights

on your property.

I'm afraid there is no
oil beneath this land.

I see where this is comin' from.

You're tryin' to f*ck me out of the land

by pretendin' there's nothin' on it.

Sir, what you have here
is a landfill blister.

Garbage is being pushed
towards the Earth's surface

by methane gas and decay.

[lighter clicking]

Garbage?

Yes, in fact it's highly inadvisable

to be smoking near such an occurrence.

If the methane gas were
to seep out, it could--

[ground exploding]

Ahhh!

Well, at least the house is level again.

[bird cawing]

[blissful music]

Hey ma, look what I got
from that garbage bubble.

It's a video camera, and
it still works kinda.

Still works huh?

Well that's more than you'll ever do.

Percy: Come on, let's
the two of us make a porno,

just like I always wanted.

Gosh, I don't know, I
ain't made a porno in years.

Percy: Just let me set up the camera.

Okay, baby, here comes the Judge,

and the hammer's comin' down.

Oh!

Oh yes!

Percy: I think the
camera ain't set up right.

Okay, there's the money shot.

Ooh!

Ah!

Yes!

Percy: Hang on, I still, it
still ain't right, try this.

Ooh!

Ah!

Yes!

[whooshing]

I'm spyin' on ya, boy.

Narrator: Soon, Percy was
following Kevin everywhere,

trying to get him to do some hokey stunt

so he could sell the video
to an American TV network,

and make some cash from
the boy's injuries.

Come on boy, set yourself
on fire or somethin'.

You know how much you
like fire, right boy?

Here, I'll help ya.

[ball whooshing]

How can I hit ya in the bag

if ya keep movin' outta the way?

Hey boy, wouldn't you like to try ridin'

this new bicycle I got ya?

[bike clinking]

Narrator: Finally
Kevin found some place

Percy would never follow him.

So he was relieved to have
enough peace and quiet

to improve himself with his book.

Woman: Dear Kevin, I
hope you enjoyed this book

as much as I did.

Oops, it looks like I
tore out the last page.

If you wanna know how it ends,
why don't you meet me here?

Detective: Hey look at this.

Spencer's got a video camera.

Where did ya steal this
little item, Percy?

Found it.

Wrong answer, Spencer.

All I have to do is rewind this tape,

and I'll find out who the real owner is.

[tape rewinding]

[harsh piano music]

So you think you can
video tape the police

and get away with it, huh?

Give me that camera, we're
gonna bury it somewhere.

Detective: Gotta rewind further.

That was obviously unimportant.

[tape rewinding]

Look, it's obvious to me
that this camera is stolen.

So there's absolutely, positively,

no way I'm givin' you more
than 12 f*ck' dollars.

I'd like to make an
insurance claim about a fire

I had here at my bar.

Now this is where my patrons used to enjoy

lookin' at my original Picasso
while pissin' in the urinal.

This is where we kept
the Arc of the Covenant.

The fellas like keepin' their
ashtrays on it during pool.

Finally my prized collection
of crowned jewels,

which I kept under the state of the art

glass display case.

I'm estimatin' the cost
of returning my bar

to its previous condition
somewhere around 45 million US.

[ominous music]

[chipmunks chirping]

Shawna: What kind of person
buys a book about m*rder

from a second hand store?

Only two that I can think of, b*ner.

You and me.

Oh, don't act all surprised.

I've been living in the woods

waiting for the media to die down.

Then, I'm leaving town.

Narrator: Kevin told
Shawna that she had the whole

f*ck' city in an uproar lookin' for her,

and that it was pretty cool.

They all think I got kidnapped.

No one figures I k*lled my own mother.

Silly little girl wouldn't
k*ll their own mother.

But I did, Kevin.

I had to, because she was weak.

Narrator: Kevin finally
realized what his connection

was with Shawna.

Even after butchering her
a*usive, drunken mother,

she seemed more emotionally concerned

with her looks and popularity.

Shawna was a sociopath, just like him.

Think of it, Kevin.

Finally we can be together,
just like you said,

doing cool stuff, riding over the horizon

into the back pages of a novel.

[clapping]

That's great.

Holy frick, the young folks today.

What?

What the f*ck is he doing here?

What am I doin'?

Coppin' the reward for
turnin' your a*s in,

ya murderin' skank.

And I got it all on video,
including your sissy, girly kiss.

Leave it to my boy to be
in the woods kissing girls,

like some big f*g.

Kevin, do something.

[suspenseful music]

Prison stoolie strikes again.

Kevin, stop him.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
sure what he should do.

He wanted to stand up to the old man,

but was too afraid of
being called a sissy again

for sticking up for his girl.

Don't you get any ideas
about offing the old man, boy.

Daddy still goes to the
liquor store for ya, don't he?

Narrator: So Kevin didn't do anything.

That's when he realized he
wasn't like Shawna at all.

He was too weak.

Weak, Kevin.

Just like my mother.

[growling]

Holy frick, let's turn this chick in

before she gets loose.

Seriously how do people end up havin'

little monster kids like this?

[belching]

Narrator: So Percy made 10 grand,

turning in the first girl
Kevin ever had a crush on.

And just because she
was guilty of matricide.

[car engine starting]

Percy felt like a pretty big man about it,

and rented a limousine to the casino.

And he put it all on red.

Percy: f*ck!

Show Announcer: It's time for

"Percy Spencer's Cartoon Funnies".

Here's the part of the show

where I get to see anything I want.

So I'll just make somethin' up here.

Okay, I got one.

I wanna see a drunken grizzly bear,

humpin' a small foreign car,
filled with a tourist family.

[car squeaking]

[bear growling]

[family screaming]

[bear grunting]

[laughing]

Hey f*ck, that was pretty sweet.

I can't wait 'til next time.

I got some better ideas--

Show Announcer: "Percy
Spencer Cartoon Funnies"

has been canceled.

Yeah, who?

Gee, that's another f*ck over.

[mumbling under breath]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[laughing]

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[bubbles popping]

[bell chiming]