06x06 - Olympics Special

[bunniefuu]

[whooshing]

[bubbling]

[clanking]

It's a special day!

[whimsical music]

Yeah, we're both out of
the joint on the same day.

Let's get some booze
and a taxi, I'm buying.

[dramatic music]

[whimsical music]

Holy sh*t, what'd ya have,

a near death experience or something?

Geez, it's always at me.

I'm just trying to be nice

with the 30 bucks the prison gave me.

I'm sorry, baby.

I'm finding it hard to trust anymore.

Percy, I'm...

Holy sh*t, come back here, you b*stards!

[whimsical music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Kevin ♪

♪ Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin ♪

♪ Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin ♪

♪ Spencer ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Kevin ♪

♪ Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin ♪

♪ Spencer ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[people clamoring]

[banging down steps]

Why are we trying
to get to the Olympics?

There's barely 5,000 people
in this sh*t h*le town,

the water's poisoned, the bus
shelters are f*cking haunted,

and the Spencer's live here.

We're a perfect Olympic city.


men wrestled in a public park.

And instead of arresting them,
the Greek's hung a sign on it

and called it the Olympics.

[victorious music]

I'm saying we deal with the
same problem, the same way.

[soft music]

[whimsical music]

[leaves rustling]

Maybe we should host the Winter Games.

It's like the Olympic's
Ret*rded little brother.

[people clamoring]

[whimsical music]

Order! Order!

If we get the Olympics,

our town would be considered world class!

[heavenly music]

World class?

World class?

World class?

World class?

[whimsical music]

[squishing]

Our lives will have meaning,

because we live the in same town

where there was an Olympic games.

[sobbing]

Worked for my grandfather.

[dramatic music]

[crowd cheering]

[dramatic music]

[chugging]

Cola.

[clanking]

[speaking in foreign language]

[crowd cheering]

In our next race, the master race

will race all races in all races!

But first, you must now
be coerced into watching

the "Wacky German Sports Bloopers!"

[film reels clicking]

[upbeat music]

[cracking]

[fire crackling]

[screaming]

[speaking in foreign language]

Announcer: The Hindenburg
arrived at the Reich stop.

[pole creaking]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[thudding]

[gasping]

Such are the wagers of the fool-hearty.

h*, h*, h*, pity him not!

[soft music]

Let's vote!

All in favor of the Olympics?

Panel: Aye!

All in favor of fixing the economy

with a far-sighted
investment infrastructure?

[whimsical music]

Ladies and Gentleman!

I proudly present our video
bid for the Olympic games!

[soft music]

Video Narrator: Ours is a
town like any other you'd see

anywhere in the world.

Filled with people

who mostly like getting on with their day.

A place where wildlife, beloved
pets, and inmates run free.

Yee-haw!

Video Narrator: But let's face it.

Even so, we're still a
pretty crummy little dump.

So why host the Olympics in our town?

[dramatic music]

Because we're gonna
bribe the sh*t outta you.

And now, here's our
dancers, The Kickbacks!

[whimsical music]

Jesus, she's gaining on us.

Oh, I mean, baby, I thought we'd lost ya.

So, are you folks in favor of the w*r?

[whimsical music]

Oh, what friggin' w*r?

[whimsical music]

There has been a
great w*r against Islam.

Who's he?

How can you not have heard of the w*r?

[dramatic traditional music]

I don't know, I was in
the joint for two weeks.

Whatever, b*mb the sons of b*tches.

[laughing]

So, you support the Americans?

What?

f*ck them too, I just like w*r.

We should go to w*r against the Americans.

[tires squealing]

[clanking]

[suspenseful music]

You just made your
first mistake, mister.

Uttering terroristic threats
against America in public.

Now we can detain you without due process,

without an attorney.

Thanks to this w*r, we can
do whatever we'd like to you.

And there isn't a civil rights lawyer

in the world who can touch us.

[keyboard keys clicking]

Hey, what the?

Hey, come back here.

Why do cab drivers
talk so f*cking much?

They can't just shut up
and take you to the bingo.

Everything's gotta
be a big frickin' story.

They won't take personal
checks and they won't shut up.

Well, news flash, Percy don't give a sh*t.

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

he was going to the
library to surf some porno.

Friggin' bookworm.

Actually, he's got
pin worm if you wanna try

remembering for once.

Frick that, frick, now
I've gotta wash my hands.

Keep your hands to yourself
from now on, idiot.

[sensuous music]

Narrator: But the real truth was,

Kevin didn't want the
old man to know he wanted

to learn more about the Olympics.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[dramatic music]

Marty, what's with these
signs for the Olympics

all over the place?

Probably because the
Olympics are coming to town.

f*ck's sake, I was only
in the joint for a few weeks,

now the whole world's
arse over a tea kettle.

American forces have
liberated Kapuskasing.

Kapuskasing, f*cking right.

Take that you Turkish b*stards!

You moron!

Everyone knows Kapuskasing's in Belgium.

Ain't it?

You tellin' me I don't
know what geography is?

[whimsical music]

[stomach grumbling]

You two gonna drink?

Oh! Ah!

My arse feels like a soft shell!

Where's the Olympic toilet?

[upbeat music]

Over there.

[heaving]

[dramatic music]

[Percy farting]

[dramatic music]

Tonight's headlines, m*rder,
death, k*lling, suicide!

w*r, plague, syphilis!

Pamela Anderson still has huge t*ts!

Who's dating some Hollywood chick?

And more school shootings in the Midwest.

Transit strikes, teacher
strikes, and lightning strikes.

And tragedy downtown tonight

when an old man loses his slippers.

They were right here.

["Kevin Spencer"]

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ♪

And that's why being an
Olympic town is so important.

Any questions?

Narrator: Kevin said he'd
been reading about the Olympics

and had heard they had become
infested with corruption.

What?

My God, Spencer.

Just look at the other great
Olympic success stories.

Like, Montreal.

[upbeat music]

[crumbling]

And as for ethics, well.

There as ethical as a
French figure skating judge.

[upbeat music]

f*ck him!

Honestly boy, I don't know
why you dirty your hands

with this public school system bullshit.

If these smart sons of
b*tches knew so much,

how come they're locked
in a room teaching you?

Besides, who said you
have to stay in school?

[dramatic music]

Ah yes, the court order.

It's always the court order.

Now, won't you warmly welcome

our Olympic youth volunteer
representative, Susie,

something-and-or-other.

Children!

You're going to be an exciting part

of our Olympic volunteer team!

[dramatic music]

I don't recall volunteering for sh*t.

[dramatic music]

You're going to be the
volunteers who help create

the amazing audience animations!

These are pictures created
by moving thousands

of smaller picture cards!

[all cheering]

[dramatic hip-hop music]

[upbeat music]

Oh, what now?

Jesus, I forgot they
only gave you parole

in exchange for putting
this sign up on the lawn.

[whimsical music]

Oh, for f*ck's sake,
these Olympic b*stards

got their thumbs right up my a*s.

Oh, here comes the Olympic flame!

[upbeat music]

Percy: Ha, they got the
chicks from Boobies Restaurant

to carry it.

You'd think they'd wear
a sports bra or something.

[squishing]

[dramatic music]

Arseholes.

♪ Hoo ♪

[fast paced rock music]

Man: Are y'all ready?

The economy isn't the
only thing going downhill.

You can too, with the fine equipment

we stock on our shelves, take a listen.

All our staff are fully qualified

to teach you how to train
like an Olympic athlete.

And we stock only the latest in Sonny Bono

shatter-resistant ski equipment.

Remember, we help the community.

Every July, we give money
to send to the homeless

on a dream ski getaway!

[thumping]

[yelling]

So come to Crummy and Legere.

Official ski equipment supplier
to the Summer Olympics!

Hey, wait a minute, that makes no sense.

[screaming]

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

Narrator: And so, the Olympics started.

And everyone in town was happy.

Except Kevin, who was
tired of people assuming

that he wanted to do
free, sh*t work for people

just because he was a kid.

C'mon boy, you know what to do!

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music]

Announcer: Welcome
to opening ceremonies,

ladies and gentleman!

As you'll see, on the
opposite side of the stadium

You'll see some very poorly
arranged audience animations.

Hey!

Somebody's mixed up these cards!

Mine too!

[laughing]

Read the card, read the card!

[whimsical music]

[dramatic music]

[squishing]

[phone ringing]

[suspenseful music]

No, I can't pay my bill, I...

[man yelling]

I'm quarantined with SARS.

[coughing]

How can I look for work
when I'm not even allowed

to leave my friggin' house?

[man yelling]

Well, up yours too,
SARShole, I mean, arsehole.

What the, friggin' w*r.

How have the Olympics
effected the local economy?

We asked previously enjoyed
goods salesman, Jimmy.

Holy frig!

Ma, get in here!

I'm about to be on TV!

It's bringing a lotta
money into the pawnshop.

I got everything Russian athletes want.

Have you ever seen so
many George Michael CDs?

[speaking in foreign language]

On "Leonard Cohen!"

Not while I'm training.

Hey Jimmy, check out
this vibrating c*ck ring

I just found on the bus.

What'll you give me for it?

Still works and everything.

Sir, do you think the Olympics

will help the local economy?

I don't know, I just hope Canada wins.

A true patriot supports
our national team!

f*ck the team, I just
want in on some lootin'.

Except for your place, Jimmy.

I'd blow a new area
code in your face, Spencer.

[dramatic music]

[whimsical music]

So when are you coming on the TV?

Ah, you just totally f*cking missed it.

Oh, well, look at what I'm going to do.

If you take the name of your first pet

and your street when you grow up,

that's what you're porno movie name is.

I thought you'd use the real
name when you did the porno?

It's a game, stupid, try it.

You're first pet was Dingle
the hamster and you lived

on Barry street.

So, your porno name would be Dingle Berry.

[laughing]

What are you laughing at?

That means your name's Thorn Bush.

What?

Oh yeah, right, maybe
it's the other way around.

Or is it the street you live on now?

And the last pet your mother owned?

That means I'm Penitentiary b*tch.

Kinda makes sense,
if you think about it.

Maybe it's your mother's
maiden name instead

of the street name?

Scabby Baller?

Lexus Smegma?

Stinky Mounds?

[dramatic music]

f*ck this sh*t, I'm
going to the Olympics.

I thought we was having fun.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

I can't believe you have a
ticket to the Olympic games.

I don't, but Percy
B. Spencer can bullshit

his way into anything.

Where the hell are you going, Spencer?

Going to see these fruity Olympics.

Even brought some Canadian hardware money.

That's right, I'm gonna pay.

Tickets were sold out
weeks ago by internet.

If you're not holding a ticket
now, you're not getting in.

[whimsical music]

But I'm an Olympic athlete.

Yeah, right.

Percy: Holy f*ck, no
one ever believes me.

I am an Olympic athlete.

It's true.

He won the bronze medal in boxing,

but it was the Special Olympics,

and he wasn't officially
entered or nothing,

but, who's splitting hairs, huh?

[plane engines roaring]

They'll be starting
the opening ceremony soon,

so get lost, chubbsy!

[dramatic music]

I'll get in there somehow, you b*stard.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: The Olympics
had one effect for sure.

Traffic sucked big time.

[horns honking]

Jesus, I already stole three cars

just to get a better position
in the f*cking traffic jam.

Narrator: And Percy was pretty cheesed

at not getting inside like he hoped.

[horn honking]

Freakin' credit card owning
f*ck up, hurry the f*ck up!

[whimsical music]

Relax, there's a slow down in traffic.

What's that?

That's the Olympic flame.

Again!

f*ck, that tears it,
who's carrying it now?

Former Olympic gold
medalist, Ben Johnson.

[dramatic music]

Ben Johnson?

Holy sh*t.

You'd think he'd be able
to run faster than that.

Let's put it in gear, buddy.

[dramatic music]

Everyone's catching Olympic fever!

And it's spreading like
grandma on St. Patrick's day.

What?

Well, I thought it was funny.

But, a scandal is unfolding.

Let's go to Stain on the Carpet.

Chet, as the games proceed
we can't help noticing

that it's been a disappointing Olympics.

All of the athletes
seem to be, well, lame.

Weak, feeble,

pathetic.

[dramatic music]

[panting]

[crowd booing]

Ah, this is bullshit.

C'mon boy, let's ditch
this amateur contest.

These athletes are pussies.

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

that the Olympics had
become a corrupted trough

where bribery and corporate franchising

risk the pure ideals of competitive sport.

So, as a statement

he'd stolen all the athlete's
performance enhancing steroids

and gotten rid of them.

That's what I like about you, boy.

You're always keeping up with a project.

Hey look, I can beat up any athlete

now that he's not full a pills.

[laughing]

Narrator: What Kevin
didn't tell the old man

was that he'd flushed all
the steroids down the toilet.

And into the town water supply.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[rock music]

[squeaking]

singing]

What the?

Holy sh*t, Percy, get in here!

[whimsical music]

Jesus, put a sock in it.

What the f*ck, you're huge!

So are you!

[bouncing rhythmically]

[upbeat music]

Wake up, boy, wake up!

Because of you, everyone
in the town's a muscle man!

Let's go get some chicks!

[whimsical music]

I'm super powerful.

Bet I can open a beer with my a*s cheeks.

[beer cap popping]

Wow, them steroids really
made a new man outta you.

[soft music]

Yeah, except they
shrunk my ba*ls all up.

Now I look like a woman.

Well, on the upside,
you'll swim faster,

if you ever learn how to swim.

Hey, you got some mail
from the government.

What's it say?

You been drafted

to go

to the Middle East to help the w*r.

What f*cking w*r?

[dramatic music]

[exploding]

[g*ns blaring]

[jet engine roaring]

[dramatic music]

[whimsical music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[whooshing]

[bubbling]

[clanking]