06x04 - Hogtown Hogwild

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Tonight on Entertainment Report,

we present an inside look
at Entertainment Report.

Yes, after years of
exposing celebrities

tonight we expose ourselves
by giving you the real

story of us, the reporters who
help you judge famous people.

We expose my secret love
triangle with a Member of

Parliament and hold a
phone in contest to see

if you can guess which one.

Here's a clue, it's not the one you think.

And I reveal how my not
so hidden drug habit helps me

cope with my neurotic
feelings of inadequacy.

Watch and win for a copy of
my new CD, Tinkling with Todd.

But first, a local White Tr*sh family

is being memorialized in
the Canadian Ditch of Fame

for excellence in shock value.

I have heard that we're
gettin' immortalized in pavement.

Jeez, considering how many
times I woke up on the pavement,

I guess it's kind of appropriate [laughs].

Hey the wife got that joke
out of a book ya f*ck.

[Cameras snapping]

Oops!

[Dog peeing]

[g*nshots and explosions in the air]

Oh baby, that's nine
different kinds of sweet!

Sheesh there's a racket out there!

Sounds like Canada Day.

Any mail?

Here.

Ooh, a late Christmas
card from my German cousin.

f*ck I hate her!

"Dear Anastasia, Uncle
Gunter died last month.

He had an aneurism in the brain

and his skull filled with blood.

He slowly went blind and
died in horrible pain.

Merry Christmas from Germany.

Here's a money order for $12."

Woohoo! It's Christmas in July!

[bottle breaks]

Hey boy, going out to play
w*r with your friends huh?

Narrator: Kevin told Percy
he was preparing for the

inevitable anarchy that will
ensue after the collapse

of society and that he'd
be smart to do the same.

That's f*cking nice boy.

Now shut up so I can
watch the lottery numbers.

Due to a diplomatic misunderstanding

several rural neighborhoods
in the community

will be getting bombed
until further notice.

[laughs] That explains the racket.

Hey Ma, we're getting bombed.

I've been bombed since lunch.

Citizens are encouraged
to duck under furniture

and live in fear.

Where's the lotto numbers?

I want that money order Percy.

Come on Ma, Marty'll give
me three beers for this.

Then I can talk em' out
of three more on credit

and then I can thieve some
beer from other people.

There's a party in this thing
if you look hard enough.

I need the money.

I'm pickin' something
up at the bus station.

What? Gonorrhea? Again?

Okay fine here. Hey boy, feel
like going to the bus station?

[clock ticking]

Announcer Voice: Attention please.

The amphibious bus is
no longer amphibious.

Repeat, the amphibious bus
is no longer amphibious.

Please tend to your lawsuits
at window number seven.

Narrator: Kevin always
enjoyed the bus terminal culture,

the true heart of a city's
transient working class economy.

Buses didn't seem to have a
lot of business executives

like airplanes. Mostly
just students, geriatrics

and escape convicts worried
about leaving a paper trail.

Oh Kevin, would you mind
steppin' into my office please?

I'd like to have a word.

Boy, don't you know that only the filthy

ditches of society ride the bus?

You don't want society to
lose respect for you, do you?

You see boy, I've been patient lately.

But I've been thinking, it's time you

got away from your parents.

So here in Kevin Spencer Laboratories

we've been working on an invention.

Something so earth-shatteringly amazing,

so [murmurs] that the
monkey monk in the big town

gotta sit up and take notice.

Voila! The Goosoon.

Narrator: Kevin asked
what the hell a goosoon was.

It's a sock full of dog
sh*t with a hole in it.

You throw it like a boomerang, watch!

Narrator: Kevin didn't
believe it was morally right

for one person to wield such power.

You take this invention to Toronto boy!

They're bound to make you famous.

You're an arms dealer now!

Narrator: Kevin decided
to follow Allan's great plan.

His ambition, his dreams,
had outstripped the capacity

of this provincial dung heap of his youth.

The big time was waiting
for him in Toronto.

And his father in particular
seemed only a tragic old

obstacle outclassed by
the next generation.

Also the choking bus exhaust
was making him irrational.

Jesus Christ! Is this
sh*t [murmurs] mental?

Where's the little dung? Son of a b*tch!

Ew, god! Good heavens!

[bus drives away]

Finally my cousin's Christmas present!

What is it?



Now I'll feel fresh like
springtime in the Black Forest.

Aw Christ!

Show some 'ppreciation!

She bussed it all the way from Germanland!

Just for me!

You know something baby?

I know it sounds silly and childish

but what do you say we,
oh nah we shouldn't do it.

Come on, I'm listenin'.

No you'll think I'm crazy no!

Holy f*ck woman I don't
got all frickin' day.

I say let's be romantic
like we used to be.

Well we could take the bus to Sudbury.

Sudbury?

I hear you truck
stop hookers were cheap.

Here's $15 bucks worth of
empties and a hatchback, you in?

Hey that is roman--

Seems I tore up some sweet a*s in Sudbury.

With you I mean.

Let's do it. Where's the boy?

We already lost him. It's
like fate meant for it to be.

[happy music]

[couple behind moaning]

You're not gonna
cause' sh*t just 'cause

you can't smoke are ya?

Don't worry I shoplifted
this here Nicotine Gum.

That'll get me to Sudbury.

Ladies and gentlemen,
madame et monsieur.

[In foreign language] a movie for your

bus trip viewing pleasure.

Ron Jeremy! Ron Jeremy!

Is a Canadian feature film.

f*ck!

Bus Driver: With
plenty of beavers curling

and Leslie Nielsen.

What's with Canadian films and beavers?

It's never the good kind!

Look at! This old bus
still got the ashtrays

in the armrest.

sh*t you're right check this out.

This one's actually got
an old scrunched up butt

in one that I found.

Jesus, it must be from the seventies.

Percy, you're not
supposed to smoke while

you're having Nicotine Gum!

[Percy groaning in pain]

[motor running]

Oh sh*t, that [murmurs] it.

I think I've just OD'ed on Nicotine Gum.

Hang on, I'll try and walk it off.

[woman screaming]

I gotta get off this frickin' bus.

The driver won't like that.

f*ck him I got a plan!

Listen you gotta stop the f*ck' bus.

I'm freakin', stop the f*ck' bus!

t*rror1st! Oh my god! It's t*rrorists!

Someone overpower him in the courageous

act of self sacrifice!

Come on everyone! Let's roll!

Why you spineless, weak-kneed--

[Percy takes the bus driver down]

Just shut up and get off the bus!

That's right get off.
I'm Mr. Conductor now.

[bus drives off]

So, you hijacked a bus?

[Percy laughs]

That was your big plan?

Stop bitchin'. And
before you start blowin'

everything out of proportion,

how much sh*t could we
realistically get into?

[police sirens wailing]

[ducks quacking]

Look we's gettin' close to Toronto!

Perfect, I can lose them on the 401.

Good luck, they've
pulled in the air force.

[police sirens wailing]

You t*rrorists pull over immediately!

This bus has a fighter escort.

You have no escape!

Yeah well, wait until they
see Toronto at rush hour.

You ever notice there's
gettin' to be more and more

of these here plot twists
as the road gets longer?

No.

Well that's cause' they're
making you work for free

on account of your being a ret*rd.

No.

Look out!

[police sirens wailing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

We better split up.
Meet me at the CN Tower

later and we'll find a place to stay.

Ooh Toronto. Maybe
Alan Thicke will give

me his autograph.

Sure I'd be happy to.

Narrator: Kevin was enjoying the CNE.

Toronto's signature fairground exhibition.

Although once a celebration
of a country built from

a sturdy agriculture resource,

it had pretty much
degenerated into a showcase

for whatever rock bands
couldn't get booked

in the States that week.

[Kevin peeing]

[balloon popping]

Male: Ooga booga!

Narrator: Suddenly, Kevin
noticed how one of the crazy

clowns didn't appear to have a balloon

sticking out of its crazy head.

Ooga booga! You don't
work for my ex wives, do you?

I'm hiding here so they won't find me.

Narrator: Kevin told the
old b*stard he was also hiding

out from his a*usive, unenriching parents.

Hiding out huh?

Everybody hides out in Toronto.

I used to be mayor of this city.

You ever heard of
retroactive child support?

Narrator: Kevin told the
strange man his dad owed

him $43,000 in retroactive child support.

Ouch! That's a sweet meat bump.

I got a plan! I might be
able to get you a [murmurs]

with my biker connections.

Narrator: And so the former
mayor helped Kevin disappear

amidst Toronto's army of
park dwelling transients,

runaways and shanty bums.

[crickets cricking]

[dog pooping]

Dear poverty-stricken transients.

Due to recent legislation against poverty,

we've come to kick the sh*t out of you.

We keep telling you this
would happen if you didn't

look so ugly and tatty.

[intense music]

Allan's voice: Remember
boy. Remember boy.

Prepare for the time of anarchy.

The time of anarchy!

Hey boy I just picked up this
hooker on the grassy street.

Are you the one they call Moose?

Narrator: Kevin asked
the old man what the hell

he was doing in Toronto.

Maybe I came to fix your
a*s for nailing me with that

sh*t grenade you little son of a--

[sh*t hits Percy's face]

Lord help me if I ain't
gonna tear you a new one.

Run boy!

They said we're t*rrorists

so they won't give us no lawyers.

Jesus we gotta get you a shower.

And find a place to crash.

I found out hotels are really cheap here.

On account of the SARS.

Follow me.

God you're making me gag.

Welcome to my world flossie.

Good thing this garbage strike's on.

No one will notice how
I smell like your a*s.

Narrator: When in Toronto,
guests of Kevin Spencer

stay at the Royal Dork Hotel.

Enjoy your quarantine in luxury.

[happy music]

Wow! I wonder how far
you can see from up here.

You left the front door open again

and I think you forgot to flush.

Hey look the floor's glass.

Everyone can see your bird.

I hope they're enjoying the show.

See anything up there Sergeant Major?

Not sure, looks like
someone tipped over a canoe

full of cottage cheese.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Hey that scalper just sold
me tickets to the Lion King.

This says Loin King.

The Loin King? f*cked
over! This illiteracy sh*t

is really pissin' me off.

That's what you get for
shopping at Sam the Porno Man.

I know something fun we can do.

Let's go hang out at the Toronto subway!

Announcer Voice:
Train five delayed due to

obstruction on track.

Anastasia: Wow we
can go to Scarborough?

Hey look that's an old game
show host I used to watch.

Wonder what he's done lately?

I'm a dead man [yells].

Well that's a sweet image
to carry with me for the

rest of my f*ck' life.

I guess that's what they
call an obstruction on a track.

Oh it makes me sorry
we didn't bring Kevin.

He would've liked to have seen that.

He's around here somewhere.

Really? You didn't tell me?

Our boy's lost in Toronto, Percy?

We gotta find him!

I lost him at the music station.

Tell you one thing, he's
probably some place where people

throw sh*t at each other all the time.

Maybe not people.

[gorilla noise]

What's the matter boy?

Your face looks like a
bag of smashed assholes.

Narrator: Kevin said
he'd come to the zoo

to seek out a more classically structured

social tribal environment
since he felt his experiment

in Toronto's independent
had been a failure.

So you are a big failure.

We all are. What do you want, a cookie?

Come on you and daddy's gonna
go pay a visit to a certain

Mr. Sam the Porno Man [laughs].

Wow at least we learned to appreciate

our little baby boy better.

Narrator: Kevin told his
mom that his usual feelings

of hatred had also distilled

into a more disenfranchised ambivalence.

Apologizing ain't
gonna help you now moron.

Come on family.

Let's go home where we're appreciated.

Male Narrator: Coming
soon on Kevin Spencer.

After a botched surgery, Percy
teaches English overseas?

Anastasia gets a hair transplant

and it's not on her head.

Kevin goes into hypnotic
regression therapy

and discovers he's the reincarnated spirit

of a guy named Dave who once managed

the gas station in Wilno.

Charlie gets a scholarship to attend

Carleton University and
study cartesian dualism.

Allan the magic goose beats a rug

into the top 40?

Percy steals the Sudbury Nickel

but can't make change.

And New Brunswick's Mac Daddy Kills

stops grandpa's pacemaker.

That's all some other
week on Kevin Spencer.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪