06x03 - That Guy Who Liked Pie

[bunniefuu]

[bubbles popping]

[bell ringing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[happy music]

[tires screeching]
[screaming]

You got a throat book for sale?

Um, no.

What about one of them
bald cap with t*ts on 'em?

Absolutely not.

How's about a big novelty wang.

Huh uh.

Can I use your washroom?

Good God, no!

[bells jingling]

What that thing?

It's a time machine.

How much?

$10,000.

It works, right?

Like a charm.

Just remember to always
wear one of the wristbands,

when you time-travel
otherwise you won't be able

to return to the present day.

But what, what is that?

That's some kind of
foreshadowing or something.

Possibly.

I'll take it.

[guitar riff]

Anastasia: What?

Time Machine.

You spent the whole ten grand,

on a lousy f*cking time machine?

Well that's just beautiful.

Hear me out woman, I got a plan.

Maybe if you shut your
great big stupid piehole

for a minute and let me finish.

Speaking of pie, what would that Joe at

that idiot cop always eating a pie,

the one about the dead
chick and the weird stuff

and the midgets and things.

[guggling]

[belching]

[giggling]

Twin Peaks.

Yeah I never got that.

[comical music]

Oh right the plan.

See I got the time machine right

and he's got to ten grand,

so now's all I gotta do is go back in time

and get the money.

That ain't gonna work.

You know maybe I ain't never
gonna amounted to nothing,

'cause you've never believed in me.

Just this once I wish
you'd f*cking trust me

and get in a time machine.

Fine, but just so's you know,

I's only only doing it to prove how much

of an a-hole you is.

[exciting music]
[electrical buzzing]

[happy music]

Told you it'll work, didn't I?

I'm smarter than you, stupid.

See and look there's the time machine.

Yeah but you ain't bought it yet.

It's in our kitchen,
f*ck, use your head.

How you think we got here?

It ain't in a kitchen
'cause you ain't bought it yet,

all's you did was put us
right back where you started.

Except now instead of me
sitting on my a*s at home,

having a few, I'm stuck here.

f*ck!

[comical music]

You sent us back in time

to before when you
bought the time machine.

Which means, we don't
got the time machine.

What was that guy's
name, who liked the pie?

You's an idiot.

Just get the f*ck out and
buy the g*dd*mn machine

so that I's can get back to my drinkin.

I thought you didn't want
me spending the cash on it.

Now that I know it works,

I ain't got no problem.

You see all's we gotta
do is buy it, go home,

then send ourselves back in time,

until just after we bought it

and take the money then we go home

and we'll have the cash
and a time machine.

I...

[comical music]

Jesus Lord, now this
day's gonna be 25 hours long

and I had to do the heavy lifting.

It ain't like I weren't doing my share.

I had the heavy end.

You've always got the heavy end.

God damn, I wish you was dead.

Take a f*ck number large.

That son of a b*tch what is this?

It's sweat you moron.

It's disgusting, is it
any wonder I never work.

Let's just go and get our money back.

Them last nine beers is hitting me

and I'm getting kind of sleepy.

Nine, that's f*ck all.

[guggling]

[electrical buzzing]



[yelling]

Look there he is Percy.

Punch him in the f*cking head.

Okay.

[thumping]

[yelling]

[suspenseful music]

[panting]

[comical music]

Just look at it life,
finally turning our way baby.

That time machine is the
answer to all our prayer.

Hey maybe we's can send you back in time

to when you wasn't fat.

You'd have been better off
sending yourself back in time,

you're right before you's just said that.

Why?

'Cause then you wouldn't
have gotten hit in the face

with this ashtray.

[bashing]

[comical music]

Kyle McLaughlin, he was the pie guy.

Hey what happened to my head?

Kevin drew an ashtray at ya.

Man, just wait till I get
my hands on that little prick.

Hit me in the head, will ya?

[stun g*n buzzing]
[yelling]

Nice shot.

[slow upbeat music]

Oh, you know daddy don't like
it when you lift his smokes.

Narrator: Kevin told
his mom that thanks

to his new friend Jim the Stungun,

he pretty much didn't
give a whistling sh*t,

what anyone thought,
least of all the old man.

[coughing]

Sounds like he's coming to.

Here let me try.

[stun g*n buzzing]
[yelling]

Cool I'll be back in five.

I'm gonna go straighten out

that know-it-all Mrs.
McNaughton next door.

[mischievous music]

Boo!
[glass smashing]

[laughing]

Jesus, boy you shoulda
seen your f*cking face.

Narrator: At first Kevin was angry,

then he got a little confused

and asked Alan how it was possible

for him to scare him since he
only existed in Kevin's head.

Oh, um.

Hey look a time machine.

Let's f*ck around.

Here put this bracelet on

so we can get back to present time.

Narrator: Kevin couldn't help but think

that it was really contrived

that Alan automatically knew
how to work the time machine.

Almost as if Kevin's life was a TV show

and the person who wrote it
was lazy or lacked the talent

to create a plausible
narrative structure instead

of a series of cheap
happenstance scenarios

that relied almost completely
on convenient coincidence,

instead of proper storytelling technique.

Then a rabid Wolverine
suddenly materialized

and mauled Kevin's foot.

Then Kevin decided

to never think about such questions again.

Were to, broken head?

Narrator: Kevin was excited
by the endless possibility.

He now had the ability to travel backwards

or forwards in time to any point,

in the entire history of mankind.

Kevin was fascinated by all
the potentially wondrous,

technological advances mankind
would make in the future,

so he picked the day after tomorrow.

[comical music]

[electronic music]

Ooh, this strange and
alien world of the future,

frightens me, Kevin.

I don't recognize anything.

Narrator: Kevin didn't
much caught into putting up

with Alan sarcasm so he told
the bird to go f*ck himself.

If I can do that, I'd
never leave the house.

[crowd laughing]

[groaning]

What the, hey check that out.

[panting]

[mysterious music]

[suspenseful music]

Oh hey Kevin.

I kind of hoped I mean I
thought you disappeared forever.

Any chance of you imagining me

to be blind until the front of humanity

and all things decent is over.

Percy: Oh my f*cking
head, please God help me.

Oh-oh, he's awake again.

[electrical buzzing]
[yelling]

I don't mean to be ignorant or nothing boy

but I spent the 10 grand you's
got for that out-of-court

settlement they got me these here wh*res.

Times money and a clocks a-tickin

so why don't you bugger
off until tomorrow.

Use the back door and go
quietly, daddy's sleeping.

Now are you's ready to listen to me?

[groaning]

Good, get your stun g*n and lets you

and me head back in
time away, I got a plan.

[slow upbeat music]

[groaning]

[giggling]

Hurry the hell up, boy.

We've got some high livin' to do.

[yelling]

[glass shattering]

[crashing]

Well, I never.

Yeah, well maybe if
you did your husband

would quit stopping by my place on his way

to work to d*ck me.

[giggling]

Man, this is gonna be sweet.

Everything we ever dreamed of, boy.

You hear me.

Money, sh*t, power.

Narrator: Kevin liked the sound of that

but he was curious

and wondered if he could
also get a hamster.

[harp resonating]

[water splashing]

That's actually a Marlin
you you thinking of, boy.

You always get them confused

that's why your room smells so bad.

[comical music]

Yee-haw!

Holy snap, if I feel rough.

[comical music]

Must've have been a coconut rum vendor.

Oh well, what are you gonna do?

[suspenseful music]

[yelling]

Argh, Sasquatch!

Please don't k*ll me man-ape.

For the last time, I ain't a Bigfoot!

Would you, my head ain't right.

Last thing I remember with two days ago,

I was in this small town enjoying some pie

and trying to solve a m*rder.

I hate to burst your bubble moron

but you spent the last two days
lying on the kitchen floor,

clinging to life.

The boy kept sh**ting in
the head with his stun g*n.

I tried to stop him but well you know,

I was one torn between
not wanting to loose you

and hoping he'd k*ll ya.

So, you just stood
there and did nothing?

Where the hell are you going?

Back in time to this morning,

when I still had them wh*res was paid for.

Once again you have shamed this family.

Fine you go back to your
wh*res and useless life.

So I guess this is goodbye then?

Goodbye forever.

See you in hell then, you fat f*ck.

Me first, me first.

sh*t we can't go anywhere
without the bracelet,

otherwise we'll be gone forever.

The f*cking boy must have took em.

I got a plan.

All's we gotta do is go back in time

to right before we bought that thing.

Buy it again then k*ll Kevin

and make sure he don't ever
f*ck around with it no more.

How come every plan you come up with,

always involves k*lling the boy?

It just does.

Now haul yourself out of the
way so's I set the control.

I already lugged this f*cking
thing into the house once

and I ain't doing it again.

I don't care about the bracelets none,

I'm just going back to this morning.

Over and over and over again.

So as I can live this day
for the rest of my life.

The hell you are.

Try and stop me, prick.

Just watch me.

[thumping]

[electrical buzzing]

Oh f*ck.
f*ck.

Where in the name of sweet
blessed Xavier Hollander are we?

We never switch the dials none,

so we must be wherever
in time the boy went.

So that means all's we got to do

is track down the little f*ck
and take the bracelet back

and k*ll him.

I wonder where he is in time?

Don't play stupid knowing the boy.

Come on he got that bad
heart smokers lungs,

than a drinking problem
so he can't be far.

[majestic music]

Halt, intruder.

sh**t that prick with the taser,

then tell his buddy we's wanna
talk to that Caligula fella.

[yelling]

Why am I being disturbed

by this funny-looking boys, Sentry?

Dispose of them.

Oh and if your partner isn't dead already,

finish him off as
punishment for his failings.

Ooh, he don't f*ck around.

Time to take control of this thing, boy.

Put that snap down on this here idiot

and let seize control.

As soon as we've in power boy,

it's nothing but booze
and chicks till we die.

[stun g*n buzzing]
[yelling]

Narrator: Kevin followed the advice

of his imaginary friend

and they confronted the Emperor Caligula.

[crowd cheering]

Soon everyone in the Empire
was bowing before Kevin

and proclaiming him as their new leader.

A wonderful man-child
sent from the heavens

to guide them to new heights
of progress and civilization.

Kevin felt like America

because he knew they
were only acting that way

because he had better weapons

but that didn't stop him
from developing a smug sense

of misguided superiority and soon he began

to really believe that people liked him

for his leadership skills and personality.

Do it again Kevin.

[water bubbling]

[laughing]
[comical music]

Anastasia: Oh, f*ck.

Percy: You fall down again?

Anastasia: Yeah.

[chuckling]

[yelling]

Percy: Look out for ravine.

[yelling]

[tumbling music]

Detective Dale Cooper.

I swear after all this bullshit,

if you still wanna k*ll the boy,

you's better get to him before I do.

Finally, f*ck look.

[mysterious music]

[majestic music]

Let's go.

Halt!

Yeah like I'm gonna
listen to a f*cking Shriner.

I'm kind of having a bad day here,

so how's about you go f*ck yourself.

[suspenseful music]

[crashing]

k*ll him, f*ck, k*ll him.

Hit him in the f*cking head again a lot.

[suspenseful music]

Son of a, my head hurts
something awful, Percy.

Price you pay for drinking, fatty.

It weren't the booze, idiot.

Remember them two funny-hat
guys was hit us in the head

with swords.

Can't say I do, then
again I ain't too smart like

and mostly I'm drunk.

'Cause I'm probably ain't the best guy

to ask about what's happened to me.

[laughing]

What are you two strangely dressed

and malformed foreigners laughing about?

[comical music]

You no idea the grave
severity of your circumstance.

Yeah we just went on a bender
and ended up in the joint,

big f*cking deal.

Business as usual for me in barn a*s.

This is now Mayor Chyle we're

to be thrown to the gladiators
all deaths are sudden.

[suspenseful music]

You mean the real-life gladiators

with the great chest and the
short skirts, half-naked?

Um, ar, yes.

How's my makeup look?

On your feet, prisoners.

The stadium in your fate awaits.

[majestic music]
[crowd cheering]

Release the lions!

[gate rattling]

[suspenseful music]

[lion roaring]

Yeah, that was a bust.

Narrator: Kevin couldn't agree more

but then he got to thinking that any day,

when the government can dictate the death

of someone less fortunate
couldn't be all bad

and he started to feel
better about himself.

That a boy, Kevin.

And hey there's still the gladiator fight.

Maybe some of those poor
people would land a few,

before our soldiers decimate them

for no other reason than
entertainment and personal gain.

Now give me a smoke

and let's watch us some
carnage and mayhem.

[pleasing music]

Narrator: Kevin hadn't
thought about the grave impact

of running out of smokes
and he was terrified.

It's okay, Kevin.

Tobacco's been around for centuries,

they gotta have smokes
of some kind around here.

Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a minute,

then figured since they
didn't stock his brand,

they could just go f*ck themselves

and that he and Alan had no choice

but to return to the future.

Fun, I guess that could be a point,

but since we traveled all this way,

let's watch us some stick fiction k*lling,

while we here.

That ain't the kind of thing
we've got in the future.

Narrator: "Not in
Canada anyway," said Kevin.

but if worse came to worse they
could always move to Texas.

Sweet, bring on the gladiators.

[crowd cheering]
[majestic music]

Percy: Hands off, f*ck, I'm going.

Lousy groom.

Anastasia: Me first, f*ck.

Oh f*ck.
Oh f*ck.

[crowd cheering]

Have a little consideration,
f*ck I'm hungover.

Holy snap and assholes,
look, it's the boy.

Narrator: Holy f*ck, thought Kevin.

His parents were about to be slaughtered

by a fierce gladiator and
they always had smokes.

As near as Kevin could figure,

it was the very best day of his life.

As was the custom Percy and Anastasia

were allowed one question to the Emperor

before they had to face the gladiator

and fight to the death.

[suspenseful music]

Is that pie?

Narrator: "Yes," said Kevin.

Looks good, bring on
the noise c*cksucker.

Hang on.

I ain't asked my question yet.

Isn't the whole idea of
a time machine ridiculous

and completely outside the
bounds of scientific possibility?

Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a moment

and then said, "Yes, yes it was."

[comical music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[bubbles popping]