[logo bubbling]
[logo dinging]
[eerie music]
[sleigh swooshing]
[Kevin laughing]
[oil can clanking]
[clock ticking]
[match scratching]
[funky music]
[window shattering]
Hot diggity!
[scaling piano music]
[window shattering]
[eerie music]
[Kevin laughing]
[vehicle beeping]
[rock music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Somethin' wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Dad don't like him, never did ♪
[hose splashing]
Ow!
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
[woman screaming]
[Kevin laughing]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a teen-smokin'-alcoholic
sociopath ♪
[logo zippering]
♪ Sociopath ♪
[bars clanking]
[Kevin laughing]
[relaxing music]
[door squeaking]
[door banging]
Now where the heck is
our little fart knocker?
I've gotta deliver this message!
[Allan swooshing]
I hate it when ya steal my beer!
No, no, Mr. Spencer,
start the sentence with "I love".
I love it when you don't steal my beer,
ya thieving' sh*t bag!
This court order says you're
supposed to bring your son
to these sessions.
His grandpa took him to
the movies for his birthday.
At least someone remembered!
I remembered; I just
didn't give a sweet damn.
[oxygen tank clanking]
[oxygen tank whooshing]
[relaxing music]
[Grandpa gasping]
I guess we'll see this one.
Two tickets.
[melancholic music]
[soda cup splashing]
[Grandpa farting]
Woman: Larry Possie,
you turn your uncle
back into a man this instant!
Only if he promises to
stop drinking and get a job.
[goat bleating]
Crikey, all right then.
[bleating] That's
better, thank you Larry.
I remember his p*nis being bigger.
He's not my real father anyways!
You said my real father was magic!
Magic Johnson!
Crikey!
[relaxing music]
[Grandpa gasping]
Didn't like that movie.
If there's one thing I hate
in movies it's evil chickens.
Did you know your granddaddy
works in the movies, boy?
[Grandpa gasping]
That's right, I run the
best adult video rental
in all of Quebec.
[Grandpas gasping]
[mouth gulping]
It's called "Grandpa's Porno",
and I won it in a card game.
You should drop by and I'll
show you real filmmaking.
[oxygen tank beeping]
[Grandpa gasping]
[body clanking]
[chime banging]
Boy, call 911!
[suspenseful music]
[door clicking]
Holy sh*t, the old
b*stard's havin' a stroke!
How do ya know?
[oxygen tank beeping]
Jesus dad, before ya die I gotta know.
Can I finish your beer?
Christ, Percy, call 911.
This is serious!
Not everything in life is a friggin' joke!
I wasn't joking.
[body clanking]
[car swooshing]
[chime beeping]
[gasping] Call 911!
Narrator: Kevin didn't call 911,
and although his pathology
negated his ability
for guilt or compassion, he
was nevertheless very haunted
by the image of Granddad's stroke.
[gasping] Call 911!
[chime dinging]
Shut up already!
Hey there, filthy boy,
I finally found you.
Some very important
people have contacted me
to give you a special birthday present.
Narrator: Kevin told
Allan that he was haunted
by the image of Grandpa
having a stroke over and over,
and couldn't shake the disturbing image
of the enfeebled weakened
old man's collapse.
Deal with them feelings, boy.
This is more important.
Listen, you, Kevin Spencer,
have been chosen to become
an apprentice sorcerer
at the Figfart Academy.
It's a mythical,
magical place hidden
inside an insane asylum,
which is a pretty mythical,
magical place that it's in.
Narrator: Kevin hadn't
been back to the asylum
in a long time, and he
thought getting reacquainted
would help him shape the tiresome delirium
of Grandpa's demise.
[relaxing music]
[bird crowing]
[mystical music]
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪
Hey young Kevin Spencer.
You're the new young apprentice.
To get to the Figfart Academy,
all you have to do is
go through that wall.
[mystical music]
[Kevin and Allan swooshing]
Elevator shaft, sh*t!
We still have to buy you
school supplies, boy!
You need a magic hat, a broom, a wand,
some liquor, some dead animals,
a student card, magic
condoms, cough syrup.
Narrator: Kevin asked
Allan why everything
was named after a plant or root
out of a herbological textbook.
[door squeaking]
Spencer, you're in Figfart too?
Cool, did you know this
place was in the asylum?
It's awesome.
Well, gotta go get more school supplies.
[mystical music]
[mouse swooshing]
[wand sprinkling]
[mouth gulping]
[mystical music]
Perhaps you'll need a magic box.
It can transport you magically anywhere.
[smoke banging]
[relaxing music]
Oh look, the boy's here already.
That's my little angel of moi'see.
More like hell's angel.
Ya ain't picked the old
b*stard yet, have ya?
I got dibs on anything in his pockets.
[dinging music]
[chime buzzing]
Okay, you must be Mr.
Spencer's next of kin.
[nose snorting] His longterm care facility
in Montreal sent this.
Apparently, you two have power
of attorney [nose snorting].
Ya mean we're in
charge of all his sh*t?
Well, how badly brain damaged is the guy?
In cases of stroke,
the brain does much of
its initial healing early.
[relaxing music]
[tray clanking]
He can feed himself,
just not with utensils.
[Grandpa gargling]
Look, he's pointin' at the
magic talking board again.
[dinging music]
[talking board beeping]
[head banging]
You dirty old f*ck!
Ah, he wants to know if
ya finished his beer, ha-ha.
Hey, where'd the brat go?
[suspenseful music]
That's right, boy.
We gonna get you some supplies.
And what better place
to get school supplies
for sorcery than the basement
of the local hospital?
[light flicking]
[groovy music]
When you smell
formaldehyde, you smell fun!
[groovy music]
Those look like they
might've been somethin'.
Take a couple of those.
[hand swooshing]
[Grandpa snoring]
He's still asleep.
Ya found anything yet?
[objects clanking]
Bunch of stupid old guy sh*t.
Oh, hi there.
We're just lookin' for
his favorite clippers.
I'm the public guardian.
Public insurance will pay for
your father's hospital stay,
but he can only get rehabilitation
if he or his family can pay.
[mother whistling]
[Percy coughing]
In that case, I'll begin
itemizing his assets
for future sale.
You're gonna sell all his sh*t?
But, can you do that?
We ain't had time
to pick through it yet.
Yes, we'll sell everything;
his house, his dogs,
his pornographic video store in Thurso.
Porno store?
You never told me about no porno store!
You been holdin' out on me ya old b*stard!
[suspenseful music]
[chime banging]
[mellow music]
I think I put the old
prick in a coma again.
[upbeat music]
[relaxing music]
[painting clanking]
One slightly used wheelchair.
Wait, that's mine.
I just left it here for him to look after.
[wheelchair squeaking]
What did you need it for?
I rate them professionally, wee!
[upbeat music]
[object clanking]
[monkeys babbling]
[mystical music]
For 10 times 10000 years,
this insane asylum has trained
only the most brilliantly evil wizard;
Aleister Crowley, H.P.
Lovecraft, Jack the Ripper,
and now all of you.
[wizards applauding]
This magic hat will tell
you where you should go.
Narrator: Kevin told the
old bag where she could go.
Charming.
[mystical music]
[electricity buzzing]
This boy should go
to a god damn shower!
And don't bring him back
'til his hair doesn't move
by itself anymore!
[mystical music]
[shoes tapping]
[mystical music]
[chemicals burbling]
[flask clanking]
[mystical music]
Well, well, the famous Mr. Spencer.
Tell me, Mr. Celebrity,
what happens if you prepare
a tincture of jimsonweed?
Narrator: Kevin told the
old prick that jimsonweed
is a contracted form of Jamestown weed
after it's use was described
in 1676 in Jamestown, Virginia.
A barely adequate hallucinogenetic,
its risk made it impracticable
as it usually resulted in
horrible, painful death,
through paralysis of the heart muscle.
Hm, do you know something of herbs.
Well, did you know that if
you put it in your laundry
it will deodorizer your socks?
[groovy music]
[pencil scratching]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
[speaking in foreign language]
[hand smacking]
[woman moaning]
[doorbell chiming]
[speaking in foreign language]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, Frenchie, this
establishment is English only!
English only, in Thurso?
Okay, well I'm looking for
a porno movie, yeah, yeah.
Something with a guy tying up another guy
and then tying up a woman,
and then tying up the telephone and, oh,
and then he meets some cheerleader
and they have sex to the
music from that movie.
Ghostbusters, da, da, da, da, da.
I think it's an amateur production.
[suspenseful music]
[head swooshing]
[shoes tapping]
[chime sprinkling]
You're lookin' for "The Horn
Dog: The Happy Hound Theory".
It's episode 12.
Judge Judy was in it,
but it's still technically
an amateur production
on account of she didn't
know it was being filmed.
If you like amateur, I got a
few of my wife in 'em too and--
[doorbell dinging]
Whoa!
Hi there, I'm Lucy May.
I'm here for the autograph session.
Holy liftin', you
starred in "Smeared Cream"
and the entire
Lazarus Bon-Dickendore
series, "The Booty Barren"!
[relaxing music]
It's so nice to meet a fan.
Would you like me to autograph your p*nis?
We're closed, Frenchie!
But my video!
[chime zippering]
Just look after the
place yourself then.
You can watch all of them.
[upbeat music]
What, what?
[speaking in foreign language]
All right!
[speaking in foreign language]
[birds crowing]
[mystical music]
Sir, one of the other wizard
students drank everything
in elixir's class!
He's kinda sick.
[chaotic music]
Don't worry, dude.
He just needs to come down.
C'mon little dude, we'll get
some coffee and OJ into ya.
This may take a while,
so I'll throw on a couple of
[mystical music]
I'm Bumbledink, the
headmaster at Figfart.
You're looking at the puddle of desire.
[mystical music]
Narrator: Kevin said
he seen a lot of puddles
of desire in the movies,
and that this one was
totally the wrong color.
It shows the viewer
what they most desire in the whole word.
That's why I see myself
getting an early release
from this asylum,
and Window Cousin always sees herself
with some type of sexual robot.
What's you're desire, Kevin?
Hm, well you must desire something.
[mystical music]
Narrator: Kevin only had
two desires in his life.
The first was the same as it
always been, to be popular.
Popular?
Narrator: The second
was to own some form of hat
that could also be used
as an antitank weapon.
[weapon banging]
[mystical music]
[chicken quaking]
[smoke banging]
Students, when I say the word,
I want you to pick up your brooms!
The word!
[brooms swooshing]
Fine, now I want you to clean up
the remains of your gym teacher.
No more using witchcraft during sport!
[flies buzzing]
He was looking down my top!
Mine too!
Window Cousin, bring
the student in here please.
[mystical music]
It is time for the first test of sorcery.
You want to be beloved Kevin Spencer,
then you must use your gifts,
your freakish abilities,
to give a gift to another.
Go into your grandfather's soul
and bring him out of his coma!
This will open the first
seal to the gateway
of your lost emotions.
Now, proceed on your challenge.
[mystical music]
[wand sprinkling]
[smoke banging]
Is all this sh*t on the exam?
[oxygen tank whooshing]
[dramatic music]
[fists banging]
[sirens wailing]
This is the greatest moment of my life!
Bring back the rocket,
bring back the rocket!
[dramatic music]
[chime banging]
[body swooshing]
[oxygen tank whooshing]
No wait, I'll die
without that, I'm dying!
[Grandpa gasping]
[body clanking]
[machine beeping]
[Grandpa gasping]
Hey, what do ya know?
The boy saved my life.
[chime dinging]
Yeah, I'm gonna be late
gettin' home from the porno shop.
Might have to stay a few extra days.
The hospital phoned.
Ya father's outta his coma.
What great news.
I'm out 30 bucks in the pool,
but I guess it's still great news, see ya.
[Percy laughing]
Oh yeah!
[phone beeping]
Hello?
Percy: Thanks for lettin'
me use your cellphone, baby.
[Percy grunting]
What's that [grunting].
Hello?
[Percy grunting]
Wow, nothin' like
that feeling, I guess,
from a solid firm pair of phony t*ts.
[dramatic music]
[birds chirping]
Well, Mr. Spencer,
you finally recovered enough to go home.
[Grandpa gasping]
You think my rotten family
would meet me at the hospital.
[birds chirping]
[relaxing music]
[oxygen tank clanking]
[Grandpa gasping]
What the, well look at that!
They made a banner for me.
And who the hell are those people?
They're moving into my home!
[truck beeping]
Yeah, the government
sold all your sh*t.
I tried to stop them,
but it looks like you're
out on the street.
Say, why don't you drop by next Christmas?
[oxygen tank whooshing]
[Kevin and mother swooshing]
[melancholic music]
Where are you taking me, boy?
[melancholic music]
[birds crowing]
[shoes clanking]
[groovy music]
The boy told me you could
turn into a chicken.
The word is cougar, baby.
I can turn into a cougar, roar [coughing].
Come here my little sex robot!
[groovy music]
[oxygen tank beeping]
[bed creaking]
[wizards applauding]
[mystical music]
Congratulations, Mr. Spencer!
You are now a fully qualified sorcerer.
You're now legally permitted
to marry people in British Columbia.
Narrator: Kevin wondered,
if the school was suppose
to create evil wizards,
why saving his grandpa's life
was considered a good deed.
Because the world would've
been better off without him.
You saved someone who affects
your species negatively.
Gambling, animal cruelty.
His secondhand cigarette smoke has k*lled
You've helped spread evil by saving him!
You see, it's all relative!
Ah, yes, relative indeed.
Relative stuff, boy.
[paper swooshing]
[mystical music]
[dramatic music]
[relaxing music]
If he's ever movin' out on
your husband on short notice,
watch for people throwin'
their used subway transfers
in the trash.
[train swooshing]
Usually, they got a
couple hours left on them.
Then, just cross the platform
and go wherever you're headed.
[relaxing music]
And don't forget to bring plenty
of your favorite toilet paper.
If you're like the boy here,
you can even make a machine
that separates the two-ply
into two rolls of one-ply.
[toilet paper machine clicking]
It's a money saver!
[relaxing music]
[rock music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Somethin' wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Dad don't like him, never did ♪
Grandpa: The word is cougar, baby.
I can turn into a cougar.
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a teen-smokin'-alcoholic
sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
[logo bubbling]
[logo dinging]
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