04x08 - Peacekeeping Percy

[bunniefuu]

[whistling]

[jet ski whirring]

Man On Jet Ski: Yee-haw!

[cars crashing]

[theatrical music]

[glass breaking]

[playful music]

[Percy snoring]

News Reporter: Who's this maniac?

First he decides he doesn't
want to take the off ramp,

and then he does,

then he parks on the
side of the expressway.

When police get their hands on this idiot,

you can beat he got justice,

and a much needed shower.

The amazing part,
alcohol was not a factor.

[thud]

["Taps"]

[Percy mumbling]

Holy f*ck, it's Remembrance Day.

Legion's selling quarts half price.

Narrator: It was Remembrance Day.

The day when all the veterans in town

gathered to remember things,
Gotta get through here.

Narrator: people don't
think about so much anymore.

Like, how brave people
fought for our freedoms,

and how Canada used to have a real army.

Holy sh*t, you won't believe
what's going on out there.

[playful music]

For Christ's sakes, Percy, shut up.

It's the 11th minute of the 11th hour.

So?

The minute of silence.

Now, shut up.

Yeah, yeah.

[ding]

Now you can talk.

Hey, how'd all you old
pricks get in here before me?

We've been here since last call.

We just ordered a few
in advance to tide us over.

Pfft, you guys water it down so much,

you probably weren't
breaking the law anyways.

[gulping]

[glass rattling]

[mellow music]

Narrator: Kevin was real excited,

because he prepared a one
man performance piece,

based on his
great-grandfather's w*r journal,

to read to the class.

[whimsical tune]

Hey, Jebediah, let's sashay into town

and carry the attention
of some fancy ladies.

What's that?

I'm saying we should
go talk up some wh*res.

Why don't you talk normal

and not that fancy pants British-English.

I hate that sh*t.

I'm glad we're fighting them.

We're fighting the Americans
to prevent Manifest Destiny.

Now you tell me.

So I'm just supposed to apologize
to everyone I k*lled now?

[whimsical tune]

Remembrance Day is
a holiday, you moron.

There's no school today.

Narrator: Kevin said he
didn't know it was a holiday.

On account of never
having attending school

enough in the first place,

to know when the official days off were.

Then he asked his principal if
there would always be a w*r.

Yes.

Only they'll be super
wars fought by machines.

At the push of a button, blam,
a whole city is wiped out.

Yes, w*r has lost all it's elegance.

[upbeat music]

["Taps"]

Frigging Remembrance Day.

[horn honks]

They always make w*r sound
so boring and depressing.

Don't they watch television?

[horn honks]

[playful music]

And that's when I
shot down the Red Baron,

and he landed on Mussolini.

That made the most decorated hero

of the Korean w*r.

I love that story, 'cause it's over.

Hey, Percy, happy Remembrance Day.

Half price quarts, eh?

Oh sh*t, f*ck the
Kaiser, whoever he was.

Hey, who's the peacekeeper?

[whispering]

Really?

You know, I used to be in the army.

'Til I bagged my drill sergeant

and trashed a narcotics
closet in the infirmary.

Stand down, arse hole.

I heard everyone in the military's

a bunch of hardcore alchy horn dogs.

You can count my husband
in that number, that b*stard.

[gulping]

I'm not judging or
nothing, I'm just saying,

respectable people like us, might not--

We get 10 bucks and
hour to get shot at.

Who the hell are you to judge?

I'm just saying...

Husband?

Holy f*ck, you're a chick, right?

That's right.

Hey, Marty, I owe
you five bucks. [laughs]

Marty: Told ya.

You know what makes me sick?

The fact that we're out there

trying to keep the world
peaceful and protect Canada,

so bums like you can take it for granted.

Yeah, you sure got Canada
protected from Somali teenagers.

[Percy laughs]

That does it.

[glass shatters]

You better be acting like an arse hole

to try and pick me up,

'cause otherwise I'm gonna field
strip and clean ya like a--

You think I'm hitting on ya?

You think you're man enough for me, woman?

I'm more man than my husband.

Why should you be any different?

How's about a little foosball?

[dramatic music]

[coin rattles]

[blowing kiss]

[ball rattling]

[squish]

Hot nut?

Don't mind if I do.

[crunching]

You are a horn dog.

Marty: That's five
more, ya owe me, Spencer.

Narrator: Kevin was real
excited about Remembrance Day.

And he was using the day
off to learn more about

what all the sh**ting was about.

Fire!

[cannons firing]
["Taps"]

Hey, you freaking idiot,
are you out of your mind?

Easy soldier.

What's your beef, citizen?

[lighter flicks]
Narrator: Kevin asked

if he could be allowed to fire the cannon.

Sure, kid.

Just join the Cadet Corp,
and call me in a few years.

Out of the way now,

people are starting to
notice something's wrong.

[crowd cheering]

Excuse me!

That was only a 20 g*n salute.

Where's 21?

Crowd: Where's 21,
where's 21, where's 21?

Yeah kid, why don't
you join the cadets?

[cannon explodes]

Get with the cool kids.

[record scratching]

Narrator: Kevin decided
he'd join right away.

If he hurried and worked real hard,

maybe they'd let him
fire the cannon by noon.

And then he wouldn't have to wear

such a conformist costume anymore,

and could tell them all to piss off.

Thanks for joining, kid,

and thanks for getting into the military

in this real complex, on
the ground floor there.

Narrator: Kevin said he
wanted to fire the cannon,

and didn't wanna waste a
lot of time on stupid sh*t.

Because he didn't work well on discipline,

career-oriented situations.

Soon, kid, soon.

But first, there's marching.

[dramatic music]

[soft music]

[drum line]

Are you in town for the
big Remembrance Day party?

It isn't a party, it's
to remember people who died

for your freedoms.

Hey, the old b*stard I
saw on the bus last night,

couldn't remember his frigging name,

I'm just asking to make conversation,

it's not like I give a sh*t.

My HQ want me to go a mission tomorrow

that coulda gotten me k*lled.

To hell with them, and
to hell with my husband,

I'm doing awol.

I don't sh*t about computers.

Come on, baby,

time for the kind of drunken revenge sex

you only get with a
stranger you met in a bar.

I knew you couldn't understand.

All right, soldier, now
drop and give me 20.

[Corporal Royd grunting]

Give me 20 more.

Oh, yeah!

Narrator: Percy
should have known better

than to drink so much two nights in a row.

Because his elevated tolerance threshold

meant he was bee-lining it for a blackout.

Come on, come on, come on, babies.

[mumbles], right here. [laughs]

[Percy snoring]

[banging]

Narrator: Unfortunately,
there was still

some sexism in the military.

So when the MPs came
to bring Corporal Royd

back for active duty, they
just assumed it was Percy,

and poured his drunken
a*s into the uniform.

[Percy snoring]

Wonder if this guy
really earned these medals.

We'll find out in eight hours.

[Percy snoring]

[drum line]

[Drill Instructor] And
one, and two, and three,

and left, and right, and left.

Narrator: The next day, Kevin was ready

to give up the Air Cadets.

The marching sucked

and it left him breathless when he smoked.

If that wasn't bad enough,

the drill instructor was starting

to try and get creative.

And one, and two, and three, kick,

and one, and two, and three, kick,

and one, and two, and
take it home cadets, yeah!

Narrator: Just as he was about to give

the drill instructor a
sweet one in the sack,

his mother showed up.

Come on, boy, the
cashier at the liquor store

says she your father taking a
woman to a motel last night.

We're gonna give that
b*stard a wake up call

he won't ever forget.

[tires squealing]

[dramatic music]

[Percy snoring]

This meet and greet mission

will take us to all the hotspots, ladies.

A stop over in Port-au-Prince, Haiti,

then see how our boys
are holding up in Bosnia.

Narrator: Percy didn't seem too upset

about the prospect of the journey.

Mostly on account of
being too wasted to move,

and he thought Golden
Heights was a shopping mall,

on the east end of town.

[door crashes]

What the hell?

I want you to see
the family you broke up,

you home wrecking tr*mp.

You're nuts, old woman.

I know you had my
Percy in here last night.

Nobody aims as bad as
he does in the toilet.

Right.

Well, he's gone.

And so is my uniform.

[phone rings]

Hello.

It's your husband.

Hello, Percy.

Where the hell are you?

[g*n shots]

[lighter flicks]

I don't know.

I just woke up from blacking out.

Some practical joking son of a b*tch

dolled me up in a monkey suit,

and everyone's f*cking
sh**ting at each other.

I think I'm in Calgary.

[expl*si*n]
[Percy yells]

[dramatic music]

Holy sh*t, I gotta get to
an Embassy or something.

[wires crackling]

[tank motor starting]

[dramatic music]

[crash]

Hey, a liquor store, well, that's a start.

[gulping]

He says he's in Calgary
and everybody's sh**ting.

It must be the Grey Cup or something.

sh**ting.

My God, they must have reactivated Percy.

[lighter flicks]

Looks like you were reactivating
my Percy last night, huh?

I outta smash you a new face.

Lady, I know approximately


that would k*ll you before you could say--

[glass breaks]

Holy sh*t, how'd I get here?

Mi, mi, mine feld,
frigging foreign languages.

[expl*si*n]

Oh, minefield.

Well, I'll guess I'll be as
safe as far as the rock went.

[goat bleats]

Freak, well, now what?

Here, puppy.

Over here, puppy.

[goat bleats]
[expl*si*n]

[somber music]

Never been so happy to see
that f*cking flag in my life.

Son of a wh*re, where's the Embassy?

[explosions]

Everyone evacuated and
the sheltered all the sh*t.

I've been waiting for
reinforcements for days.

But f*ck it, I can't take it anymore.

I'm out of here. [yells]

Son of a wh*re.

[dramatic music]

[roof crashing]

Oh my God, we're too late.

Look at that, he was totally unarmed,

so he cloaked himself
in the flag. [whimpers]

My, that's class.

What a hero.

Wow, how did we end up having sex?

I don't know.

Just fighting like that got my blood going

and things just got outta hand.

Well, it was good.

Real good.

You know what I mean?

Women just know what they're doing better

when it comes to...

Could we not talk about this, please?

Ever again.

Come on, let's go get your stupid husband.

Well, okay.

But I still got hankering for a brush cut,

say you got any Melissa
Etheridge tapes in your car?

[playful music]

What you doing?

Leaving.

You can't leave.

This whole l*sbian thing's awesome.

I never done it with a woman sober before,

and it's pretty sweet.

And my wardrobe's doubled.

I just got word.

Percy's getting shipped home.

I'm going to the military base
to sort all this sh*t out.

You'll have your husband back.

I don't want my husband.

I want your f*cking fancy clothes.

Typical.

When it all comes down to it,

you were just using me too.

Wait, we're coming with you.

Can I at least keep the air-padded bra?

I love pumping that thing up.

[dramatic music]

For bravery in the field,

we're proud to award you, this medal.

[crowd cheering]

I want to dedicate this
to Sergeant Rungie and Lago.

Who pulled me unconscious
back to the medic.

Lago was kind of an as*h*le,
but Rungie was cool,

and we cracked a few cool ones.

And his girlfriend dumped
his a*s over the phone,

so he blew himself up with a hand grenade.

This one's for you, buddy.

Wait!

That was my uniform.

I should be getting that medal.

f*ck you, I'm a hero.

And you're lousy in bed.

Aw, come on, she ain't bad in the sack.

Oh sh*t, what'd you do to your hair?

I thought you were K.D. Lang but uglier.

Listen, I never nailed her, honest.

Don't worry about it, Percy.

I've been thinking, you know,

I've been a little too judgmental lately.

Narrator: Percy was stripped

of his medals and his dignity.

Corporal Royd was
demoted and lost salary

for letting some fat
drunk steal her uniform.

This really pissed her off.

In fact, she sorta blew a
gasket about the whole thing.

That's about the time she
started stalking the old man.

Is she still out there?

Oh, yeah.

g*dd*mn it, what do I gotta do

to get one of them restraining orders

you keep taking out on me?

[lighter flicks]

The boy can show ya, he knows how.

Hey boy.

Take off your Halloween costume

and drive me to the court house.

We got business with the judge.

Hey, you remember that time

when I took out a
restraining order on you,

and then the cop who signed the order

started stalking me,

and I had to get a
restraining order on him?

And the cop blamed me
and started stalking me.

So I slashed his tires

and he took our a restraining order on me.

Man, that was a great summer.

[Percy and Percy's wife laugh]

I want a restraining order

on the crazy chick who keeps stalking me.

What's her name?

Former Corporal Vivica Royd.

Beautiful, she even stalked me

to the f*cking police station.

Well, why don't you fill
out your own description

and we'll process it in a few days.

You think a lousy piece
of paper's gonna keep me

from getting even with you.

You ruined my life and your wife's.

She deserves better than you, you know?

Why don't you stop being crazy?

And stay out of my yard.

And what about you,

why don't you tell her to
stop scaring your daddy?

Narrator: Kevin told the corporal,

she shouldn't k*ll Percy,

because he still owed
him money and smokes.

Then he asked her why she
didn't just cr*pple him

and f*ck off.

I'm sorry you're
caught in the middle, kid.

But I promise, your father won't suffer.

Well, that's a relief.

Listen, boy.

Daddy's gotta disappear for a while again,

so that crazy army chick can screw off.

You're the man of the house now.

That means I gotta show
you all my secret places

where I keep stuff.

[bagpipes playing]

In case I die, here's my will.

I leave everything to this
stripper, I forget her name.

But I think that's about it.

Goodbyes are hard, so goodbye.

Announcer: Sometimes,
when Percy had to disappear

in a hurry, he didn't
have time to steal a car,

and had to set up camp

in the burgeoning community of drifters,

living on the periphery of town.

[chugging]

Percy hadn't lived in the
woods for a long time.

And for him, it was kind
of a nature getaway.

Hello Vertie, hello Mr. Chipmunk.

[rustling]

Hello?

Who's there?

[owl hoots]

Easy, Percy, a little booze
will calm your nerves.

[chugging]

Hey, who's out there?

I'll find you, you b*stard.

[dramatic music]

The wh*re.

The wh*re.

The lousy wh*re went and sent
you to spy on the old man,

didn't she?

Narrator: Kevin told the old man,

that the corporal had
reconciled with her husband,

and there was really no reason
to hide in the woods anymore.

And that there was a reporter

who wanted to talk to him

about some irradiated a*tillery shells

that were used during the fighting.

That probably explains why ba*ls

have been glowing all the time.

I tell you boy, being a
peacekeeper's a sucky job

for what it pays.

We're staying on the Welfare.

About time for lights out.

We'll go home in the morning.

[rustling]

[soft music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work ♪

♪ It never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a teen smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

♪ Take it home, cadets, yeah ♪

[bubbles popping]