03x07 - Mont Surreal

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[electric guitar strumming]

Okay, all aboard!

Hey maybe he's talking about you.

Ha, I wish.

Hey Percy, you're so sweet taking us

on a vacation like this.

Damn right I am, and
don't you forget it either.

Isn't this fun, boy?

We're going on a choo choo

to visit your grandpa in Montreal!

[lighter clicks]

[slow brass music]

I ain't been on a train in years!

Hey, how come we ain't driving?

Percy: Road block.

You in trouble with the cops?

Not the way I see it.

Just keep away from the window

until we're out of the station.

They might be here, too.

And while you're down there,
get me a smoke from my luggage.

Soon as I can find
where you packed 'em.

Porno mags, airplane liquor,
something with a horn on it.

Condoms?

What do you need condoms for?

I use 'em for f*ck'.

If you do, you'll be wearing
my sandals in your arse.

I found 'em in your
closet, fatty, so shut up.

May I offer you a drink, sir?

Just a draft for me
and a triple rye and Coke

for the lady.

Oh sorry sir, but there's
no smoking on trains.

No smoking?

How can you sell booze
and not let people smoke?

Narrator: Kevin didn't
like the sounds of this.

His addictions were an
intertwining of neuro desires

and pleasure responses.

To him, drinking liquor
without smoking was wrong.

He aimed to set things straight

when the old man stopped him.

Easy boy, can't afford
to draw no attention

to ourselves just yet.

Don't worry, I got a plan.

[train horn whistles]

You know something Percy,
this reminds me of that time

we rode the Greyhound back from rehab,

and you and me tore off
one in the back seat.

Those days, your mom
was easier to get into

than a pair of boxer shorts.

In high school, they called me

the original Montreal Tunnel.

Leastwise 'til I dropped out in grade 10.

How's about we have at
'er for old times' sake?

You go keep an eye out, boy.

[soft melodic music]

[dinging]

Boy, after lovin' like that,
I could sure go for a smoke.

Come on, boy, it's time for my plan.

Your daddy's a f*ck' genius.

They'll never think of
checking if we're smoking

in the bathroom.

[lighter clicks]

[alarm beeping]

[knocking]

Pardon me, monsieur,
are you smoking in there?

Open this door!

Quick, boy, out the window.

[dramatic piano music]

You didn't see nothing.

[dramatic piano music]

Madame, I've been getting complaint

about your family behavior.

I'm afraid we'll be
taking you off the train

in the village of Merde du Merde.

You can't stick us there.

Narrator: Anastasia
knew they were in trouble.

They'd gotten on the wrong
side of the law in that town

when Percy stole a truck
on Saint Jean Batiste Day.

Holy sh*t, someone left
the keys in this thing.

What a giveaway!

[truck engine roars]

[speaking in foreign language]

Okay, Jean Claus!

[fireworks exploding]

[screaming]

Hey baby, how's about
you let old Anastasia

help you turn a blind eye?

[match striking]

sh*t, burned out again.

Gimme another light, boy.

[lighter clicking]

[train rumbling]

This thing's gotta light sometime.

Good for nothing lighter.

What the hell's a guy gotta
do to get a freakin' smoke

in this province?

Oh yes, oh, oh yes!

All right!

Ohh!

Ohhh, yes!

[dramatic music]

[train horn]

[crashing]

[screaming]

[metal clashing]

At least now I can smoke if I want to.

[screaming]

[ambulance siren blaring]

Anastasia: Look, it's Montreal!

Narrator: Kevin
liked going to Montreal.

It had the second highest
crime rate in the country.

He also liked visiting his grandfather

because he had so many
interesting machines

keeping him alive.

[grandfather gasping]

Hey dad.

[gasping]

You're a fool!

You weren't followed, were ya? [gasps]

Don't think so.

Grandpa Spencer, you look
so good, how ya feeling?

[gasps] Well let's see,
you've been here for 30 seconds

and I've already listened
to enough of your bullshit!

[gasping]

So you tell me! [gasping]

What'd ya bring me? [gasping]

Same thing you always used
to get me for my birthday.

f*ck all.

We thought we'd come and visit you

on account of we missed ya.

And because the Province
took away my health card

so I thought I could yours
to get my rash looked at.

Stick it to the Quebec
government for a change.

And like I said about missin' ya and sh*t.

[dogs sniffing]

[grandpa wheezing]

[growling]

Narrator: Grandpa Spencer
was a legendary entrepreneur,

and the most successful
member of the family.

He ran the most prosperous
ill*gal puppy mill

in the province.

Most people wouldn't
try to keep 47 dogs

in a two bedroom bungalow [gasps],

but here it is two years
later and I'm still doin' it.

[gasps] I got the Board of
Health citations to prove it.

[gasping]

And to think they said
it couldn't be done.

Who said it couldn't?
Everyone.

[gasping]

The neighbors, The Board of Health,

but mostly the voices
in my head. [gasping]

Guess that's where
the stupid kid got it.

Must skip a generation. [laughs]

[growls]

Let's get to some
catching up. [gasping]

Oh, meet my new Russian
mail-order bride, Labida.

Don't touch me you pig-dog.

I only marry you for
citizenship, now I'm leaving you.

[slaps]

Don't worry about her. [gasping]

I'll just get another one. [gasping]

It's like one of those
mail-order record companies.

[gasping] They just keep
sending 'em [gasping]

'till you tell 'em to stop. [gasping]

How's my favorite grandson? [gasping]

Come here and kiss your grandpa! [gasping]

Let me give you a tour of
the house. [heavy breathing]

This is my bedroom. [heavy breathing]

It's where I keep the
dogs [heavy breathing],

I sell to the pet stores at
cut prices. [heavy breathing]

This is the guest room. [gasping]

It's where I keep all the dogs [gasping],

I sell to the cosmetics
companies for testing.

[growling]

Why can't we sleep with those dogs?

They don't smell as bad.

I'm racing them next week
at the Indian reservation.

[gasping]

Casino's sponsoring a big
event. [heavy breathing]

Hey!

You're family and all that sh*t. [gasping]

But I ain't riskin' you
frightening my racing dogs.

[wheezing]

Narrator: Normally,
Percy wouldn't stand

for this kind of treatment,
but unlike Kevin,

Percy loved Grandpa, on account
of he owed him his life.

You see boy, I love your
old grandpa 'cause he gave me

a donor prostate.

Donor prostate?
Yeah.

Stupid me. [gasps]

At one time, I didn't know
people only had the one.

[wheezing]

I did, but I didn't tell ya! [laughs]

I wondered why you
hired that Mexican doctor.

Cost me a bundle, too.

What are ya complaining about anyways?

Your artificial one works great.

Thanks for the
reminder. [deep wheezing]

Gotta go plug myself in. [wheezing]

And recharge the batteries. [wheezing]

[dogs crying]

Hey, I wonder how you plug
in an artificial prostate?

[zapping]

Don't ask.

Hey, now that he's outta the room,

let's dig through his sh*t.

Yeah, old people is so forgetful.

We's doin' him a favor.

[door clicking open]

Holy sh*t, the boy
found the mother load.

Hey look, Percy.

There's no duty paid label on the pack.

That lucky b*stard must be
getting 'em cheap some place.

Narrator: Kevin didn't know
what made these cigarettes

so special, other than
the fact that his parents

were just trying to mooch them anyway.

[ominous music]

So he took off out the
door to see what Montreal

had to offer.

Jeez, why didn't ya try and stop him?

I gotta do everything in this family.

Narrator: Kevin liked visiting Quebec.

You could buy beer in almost any store,

and because of the low drinking age,

he hardly ever had to
resort to his fake ID's,

and it seemed every abandoned warehouse

was full of teens having a rave.

Mostly because Montreal's
industrial base was in the toilet,

and the warehouses
weren't really being used

for anything else.

[ominous music]

Eventually, the night became a blur.

The next thing he knew,

he somehow ended up drunk
at the Montreal Bus Station,

watching perverts hustling
the male prostit*tes.

[moaning]

Oh yes! Oh! Oh! Oh my lord!

Oh Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

[banging]

[moaning]

[breathing loudly]

[shower steam blowing]

I am Rene Levesque, former
Premier of Quebec province.

I have chosen you to help
me return. [coughing]

Narrator: Kevin asked why
Levesque was interested in him?

You see, you and I both
chain smoke six packs a day.

You and I both been charged
with vehicular manslaughter.

And you're the only junkie freak

stoned enough to see my ghost.

Now I can return and
bring Quebec true freedom!

No one can stop me!

Just like when I met the Queen, eh?

They told me to put out my smokes.

But did I?

No way!

f*ck that, eh?

Narrator: Kevin
didn't know what the hell

the crazy old prick was raving about,

so he told him he wasn't
interested in any g*y sex.

I need you to find some of my DNA,

and create a clone of moi.

My ashtray's on display at the
Quebec Museum of Culture, eh?

You can get some there.

Narrator: Kevin
thought this was stupid,

and told Levesque he
could go f*ck himself.

Then he tore the condom
machine off the wall,

and smashed it over his head.

[wheezing] Tomorrow [wheezing]

I'm gonna take the whole bunch
of you on a tour of the city.

[wheezing] I'll show ya
the tunnels, [wheezing]

Olympic Stadium, [wheezing]

I'll even introduce you to
some real-life French people.

[heavy breathing]

Holy sh*t, those dogs
sure won a lot of stuff.

Yup, after I race 'em at
the reservation. [gasping]

I'm takin' them to
another race in New York.

[heavy breathing]

Aye, where's the kid? [wheezing]

It's almost three in the morning!

Oh, he'll turn up, he always does.

Who knows, maybe this
time we'll get lucky.

[all laughing]

[choking]

Well, [wheezing] I'm
gonna go catch some sleep.

[heavy wheezing]

Percy: Night, Dad.

Welcome to Montreal,
or called Monreyal.

For the next three
hours, I will show you--

[speaking in foreign language] oppressors.

A city that you probably don't care about.

If I didn't care [wheezing],

I wouldn't of forked off for
the tour. [deep wheezing]

You french b*stard! [high screeching]

Hey, screw you! [cussing
in foreign language]

Are there any other questions?

Yeah, what the hell does
"Defense De Fumer" mean?

I think it means fasten your seatbelt.

[happy music]

Not that you sh*t
heads would be interested,

but you are right now
beside one of Montreal's

greatest architectural
wonders, the Olympic Stadium.

Many people refer to it as The Big O.

Hey baby, how about I give
you the big O later? [laughs]

[laughing] Got hit in the
head, fat stupid English.

Can't you read the sign?

I don't read French ya
French f*cking frenchy.

[camera snapping]

[happy Piano music]

French Woman: And now
we are on the main highway

driving to Monreyal.
What the f*ck?

Man: For the love of God!

[car crashes]

You will notice the traffic

is extremely fast and dangerous.

That's because this highway
was specially constructed

to k*ll you f*cking Anglos.

Is there always this many crashes?

Bah, not always.

Sometimes when it rains,
the freakin' highway floods

and then they drown like
English rats deserve.

[happy upbeat piano music]

Narrator: Kevin was still being haunted

by the ghost of former Quebec
Premier, Rene Levesque.

And he was getting pretty tired of it.

Bring me back from the dead, Kevin.

Please, Kevin, please, Kevin.

[speaking in foreign language]

[Narrator] Kevin was getting pretty tired

of listening to Rene's whining.

He wondered what Alan, the magic goose,

would've done in this situation.

I probably would've
kicked his chain smokin' a*s

from here to noofen land.

Except, you choose not to
invite me to your vacation.

So I'm just having a little party

at your house with all your stuff.

[Narrator] It seemed
hopeless, but just as the boy

was about to give in,
the cough syrup wore off

and the ghost disappeared.

[speaking in foreign language]

[happy music]

Hey Ma, look what I shoplifted

out of this French sex shop.

What is it?
I ain't sure.

But the guy said it's
something we can both use

at the same time.

Monsieur, I could not help
but notice your English sign.

You know that all signs in this province

must be in both languages,
with the french part bigger.

English sign?

It's just my f*cking T-shirt.

Percy, don't cause no
trouble, we're on vacation.

I've had it up to here with their sh*t.

One these pop-tee ling,
pepsy frogs, son of a b*tches

gonna learn a bit of racial tolerance.

See if every a*s raming,
Kobach c*ck sucker with a chip

on his shoulder was sitting on our throats

ever since we got here.

[upbeat music]

Freakin' French cops, sons of b*tches!

Hey, English!

What they bust ya for?

Stupid sign law.

Oh, that serious.

Cops just busted me on
suspicion of smuggling dope.

They got nothing on me, though. [laughs]

You still got the drugs?

Yeah, I've kept them hidden safe.

But if I don't figure
out a way to get them

into the States by Friday,

they'll be dragging the saint
Lawrence from my corpse.

If ya need ya stuff smuggled,
I think I might be able

to help ya.

As long as my fat wife remembers
to bail me out. [grunts]

Come on, Grandpa.

We gotta bail Percy out,
and yous the only one

who speaks French.

Also, I got no money.

Go on down to the court house
to spring Percy. [wheezing]

It's just like old times. [wheezing]

Jesus, your freakin' heart-lung machine

won't fit in the elevator.

[grunting]

It's no use, we's gonna
have to make two trips.

[electric guitar music]

[crashes]

Narrator: Grandpa
eventually bailed Percy out.

And in no time, they were
all back at his place.

[speaking in foreign language]

Hang on while I check
my French phrase book.

[speaking in foreign language]

So f*ck off!

[breathing heavily]

Good to have ya home [wheezing] son!

I'll make it up to ya.

I got a sweet offer
from a guy in the joint.

And for once, it wasn't sex.

What's the deal? [heavy breathing]

I know ya got smuggling connections

on the count that ya
smokes got no duty label.

Listen.

Narrator: Percy told Grandpa his plan.

And it made the old guys
heart race with excitement.

Sounds a bit risky,
[wheezing heavily] but hell!

[wheezing]

I haven't pulled a job with
my son [breathing in deeply]

in a while.

It'll be just like old times.

Narrator: The only problem
with Grandpa's rationale

was that in the old times,

their plans usually screwed up big time.

It was the day of the big dog race

and everyone was excited,

especially the Quebec police force.

Who didn't like the idea, for some reason,

and set up a security perimeter

around the alien reservation.

Just in case.

Officer, why don't you
approve of this dog race?

We think the first nation
should be doing things

more appropriate for their culture.

You know, like making
baskets and ornaments

or bad CBC dramas, ya
know, that sought of thing.

Oh, I think we're going
on a tour on the reservation

before the big race.

This is where we turn
beads into lovely necklaces.

This is where we make feathers

into warrior head-dressers.

And this is where we keep
all the g*ns that were used

to blow the French polices heads off with

if they tried anything funny.

Narrator: Kevin said
he wished he was native

so he could sh**t at French cops too.

Hey, where'd you get all the money

for those shitty souvenirs?

I'm racking up the
credit card on the account

I'm gonna get paid for smuggling drugs.

How'd ya do that?

Percy: Remember those
condoms I found in ya closet?

I put hash in them and
fed em' to the dogs.

When they win the race, they
take 'em across the border

to the States.

And my contact scooped out
their sh*t for my drugs.

Ya f*cking moron!

Those condoms are expired, remember?

Theys the ones we used when we were trying

not to have Kevin.

They aint worth sh*t.

I'm sure it'll work out fine.

That what's you said then too.

[guitar music]

Announcer: Welcome to
race day, brought to you

by the Warriors Society, Big Stums Casino,

and Uncle Chakawak's bake shop.

Starters ready.

[g*n fires]

And they're off.

Asswipe's cleaing up the field
followed by Pontine Pooch,

Generic-dog and Chainsaw.

With Sowdahmite coming up from behind.

[dogs whining]

[crowd cheering]

[condom bursts]

As they run for a turn,
Chainsaw has lept into the crowd

and he's tearing out the
throat of a security guard.

Asswipe and Pontine Pooch
have started a furious

h*m* activity in the beer tent.

And Generic-dog has attached himself

to the leg of a Quebec police officer.

Narrator: Kevin
enjoyed watching the dogs

attacking all the people.

Unfortunately, the French police
thought it was the Indians

who sicked the dogs on
them, and before they knew

what happened, the army
had been called in.

I am General Antoine Kuster.

Here to force you to
peacefully resolve this crises.

Put down your g*ns so that we can beat you

and throw you in jail
amidst public ridicule.

Otherwise, we'll takeover your land

with these impatient golfers.

k*ll the red skinned b*stards!

Holy Christ, we gotta get outta here.

Narrator: Kevin said he had an idea,

but in order to do it,
he needed plenty of booze

and drugs real quick.

Percy wasn't sure what Kevin's idea was,

but since he also wanted
plenty of booze and drugs

real quick, he asked the
native chief for help.

We don't have any of these things.

No booze or drugs?

I thought all Indians were a
bunch of drunken welfare cases,

all trying to have incest with each other.

Nah, that sounds more like
your side of the family, Percy.

Freakin Jesus, woman!

I don't see ya doin sh*t
to get us outta here.

Excuse me, I'm the Human Rights Lawyer

for this reservation.

I assure you, our first
nations have nothing to do

with contraband substances or
any other ill*gal activities.

Look, just give the drugs
before these French cops

blow us new arseholes.

As their lawyer, I can
present you with a quantity

of controlled substances on my behalf

without any direct connection.

Narrator: Kevin knew the only person

with the reckless driving
skills necessary to broch

the army's barricade was the
demented, jingoistic mania.

A former Quebec Premier, Rene Levesque.

So, look who comes
crawling back to Rene.

Get on the tank, we gots no time.

What's wrong with the boy?

He's acting so strange.

Shut up and do what
the French prick said.

[dramatic sinister music]

You can not stop
Rene Levesque. [laughs]

[engine roars]

Narrator: And so the
ghost of Rene Levesque

had saved the family.

The natives managed to
briefly occupy Montreal

temporarily transforming it
into a major urban center

for Canada's first nations.

Then they got bored
and left for the bingo.

After they dropped Grandpa off,

Kevin and his family headed for home.

[beeping]

[outro music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Woman: This highway
was specially constructed

to k*ll you f*ck' anglos.

[rock music]