02x15 - Runaway

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[beeps]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[peaceful music]
[birds chirping]

- [Narrator] It was the middle of the week

and Kevin and his parents

were enjoying some family time together.

Mostly because his
parents didn't have jobs

and Kevin was off from
school for two whole weeks,

because he'd gotten jimmied up

on cough syrup and prescription drugs,

and had shown up at the school talent show

and spooked everyone out by violating

several conditions of his parole.

- Once again that was
the drama club short play

entitled, Drugs, Alcohol
and Unprotected Sex.

I'm too fly to be down with that.

Next we have Paul Scott,
who's gonna do a medley

of classical music's greatest
hits on the bagpipes.

[crowd clapping]
[crowd booing]

[bagpipe music]

[shoes clicking]

[Paul thuds]

[bagpipe blowing]

- [Dad] How them smokes coming boy?

- The first ones mine, I called it.

- Up yours I'm the man of the house.

- If you are such a man

how come you couldn't
get it up last night?

[upbeat music]

- Jesus H, he's smoking the smoke.

[fast upbeat music]

[fist smacks]

[Percy screaming]

This ain't over boy.

- [Narrator] Kevin had had it

right up to his a*s with the old man.

So he figured it was high
time he moved out on his own

and stole things to make a living,

until he was old enough to go on welfare,

and stick it to the
government for 50 years,

or until he died.

Which would probably
be a whole lot sooner.

[upbeat music]

The first thing Kevin figured he better do

was find a new place to live.

[chip crunches]

- What in the name of sweet
f*ck do you want, sh*thole?

A room, you 18 you
little piss face runaway?

[buzzer pulsates]

That's a load of bullshit.

You f*ck' know it you
little as*h*le delinquent.

It's 15 bucks a night you dumb f*ck.

And no f*cking guests allowed.

You don't look like you got

no f*cking friends anyways asswipe,

so I guess there ain't gonna
be no f*cking' problem,

is it d*ck face?

Room 42, get your own
f*ck' key off the wall,

and get out of my g*dd*mn
sight, you dumb ugly b*stard.

[suspenseful music]

[keys clanking]

- Hey, Lester, how's it hangin'?

- I ain't f*cking seen
it in almost nine years,

so how the hell would
I know, crack licker.

How'd the show go, assface?

- We rocked f*ck.

- Whoopdy f*ck' doo, sh*t for brains.

Quit g*dd*mn loitering
and get up to your room

you bag licking f*ck.

[dramatic music]

[elevator dings]

[elevator buzzes]

- Cold air feels good on my head.

[curious music]

[bottle pops]

[Anastasia gulps]

- What we gonna do for smokes?

- I shoplifted a whole
carton this mornin'.

[door clicks]

- Then why was you chasing
the boy for a roller.

- Ain't right him dissing us like that.

He ain't never gonna
learn no proper behaving

if we don't teach him.

- That was funny, him
runnin' over your head.

- We'll see who has the last laugh.

- You ain't got no idea where he is,

how the hell are you
gonna do anything to him?

- All's I gotta do it find 'im.

- You ain't smart enough.

- Maybe I'm a whole lot smarter
than you think, Anastasia.

First thing tomorrow mornin',

I'll get the cops to find him for me.

[light buzzes]

- [Narrator] it was Kevin's
first night on his own

and he was scared.

He missed being in his own room
and sleeping in his own bed.

And he was pretty much sober,

which didn't seem to be working
out too well for the goose.

[goose swishes]

- You'd best think of
something soon lunatic

or Allen's liable to fall asleep

and let go of this here leash.

[ominous music]

- [Narrator] Kevin figured
you'd better find some booze,

right quick, so Allen wouldn't
let the ax monkey loose.

- Ata-boy Kevin, now I
bet that guy down the hall

got lots of booze.

Musicians always got booze and drugs

except drummers, 'cause they're
all freeloading assholes.

[groups cheering]

[hand knocks]

[upbeat rock music]

- Who the hell are you, kid?

- [Narrator] Kevin froze
with self-conscious fear.

He really wanted the guys
in the band to like him.

So he told them he was a teenage runaway

with a drinking problem.

And that he was a sociopath

with an imaginary goose
living in his head,

that commanded him to do things.

[group laughing]

Kevin laughed along with everyone else,

because he didn't want them
to think he was a moron.

- What a moron.

- Let's get him drunk
and see what happens.

- Yeah, you wanna drink, kid?

[Kevin gulps]

- Holy sh*t, look at him go.

[group yelling]

[peaceful music]

- Hey look, here come the Spencers now.

[door clicks]

- Just go along with whatever I say.

Now come on it's time
for me to work my magic.

- Mr. Spencer.
- Mr. Spencer.

- Mr. Spencer, over here.
- Do you have any comments?

- Over here.
- Mr. Spencer.

- Mr. Spencer.
- Over here.

- Hey, why don't you all
just shut the f*ck up,

so's I can talk, you.

- John Buckman, Channel 7 Action News.

When did your son Kevin disappear?

- Sometime yesterday.
- Can you be more specific?

- I was half cut as*h*le,

I don't know what time it was.

- Mr. Spencer, Mr. Spencer,

Ramona De La hoya Fuente Giovanni,

Channel 9 Doppler radar, local
and international action,

up-to-the-minute news, weather and sports.

What happened, in your opinion?

- Maybe someone kidnapped him.

[crowds laughing]

- No offense, Mr. Spencer,
but you're poor and stupid.

- And fat, too.

- Oh, yes, and fat.

And my research shows that
you don't own a single thing

anyone else could possibly want.

- And he can't get an
erection no more either.

[crowd laughing]

- What'd I tell you about saying that?

- You said not in front of the boy.

You ain't never said nothing
about no television reporters.

[crowd laughing]

Don't get me wrong or nothin',

it ain't like I wanna have sex
with the fat b*stard, anyway.

[crowd laughs]

I mean, Jesus, when I got that big,

he could only do it in two positions,

and both of them mean I
got a look at his face.

Talk about spoiling the mood.

[crowd laughing]

If that's how I like my sex,

I'd just whack off with my
face in a gas station toilet.

- Shut your hole, woman.

- Ah, keep it down, as*h*le.

You know how to do that limp d*ck.

[crowd laughs]

- If your news conference
is about finding the boy.

- Why don't you leave that
up to his real father.

- You can all just kiss my a*s.

And find my boy.

- Why don't you leave that
up to his real father.

- Now that's the kind of
talent I'm looking for.

Fresh and original, hand me the phone.

[phone clatters]

[phone ringing]

[person mumbling]

- What, of course she's here

she don't never do nothing
but lie around the house.

[silly music]

Phone for you, fatty.

- Bring me a rye and ginger
on your way back, yeah?

- Mrs. Spencer, my name is Willie Shipley.

I'm a manager down at

Wild Willie's Wacky World of Whamidy.

Huh, I just caught your act in the news

and I'd like you to come work

for me down to the club tonight.

- Jeez, I don't know.

I ain't got enough money
to drink in no bar.

- [Willie] Performers drink for free.

- Come again?

- I said, performers drink for free

and you get $75 a show.

[phone clicks]

- Hey, if you're going out,

don't forget to bring back smokes.

[trumpet blows]

[upbeat music]

[lighter clicks]

[engine roars]

[wall crunches]

[uptempo music]

- Hey, broken head, Jesus
crap, look at this place.

And you just sitting on your a*s.

Don't you never learn nothing, boy.

Steal the wallets, set the
room on fire and leave.

How g*dd*mn hard is that
to remember, stupid?

Give me a smoke.

[dramatic music]

[lighter clicks]

- Uh, what the hell are you doin', kid?

- [Narrator] Kevin explained to Tom

that he was giving a smoke

to the goose that lived in his head,

so the goose wouldn't
let the ax monkey loose.

[suspenseful music]

- Jeez, you weren't kidding
when you said you were nuts.

- [grunts] What the hell's going on?

- Spencer's still drinking.

- That's so cool, we could
really use a guy like that

to teach us how to drink more,

so we could be a cooler
rock 'n' roll band.

- I'll say, so far none of
the band members have ODed,

or even come close to choking
to death on their own puke.

Keith Moon was so cool dying like that.

- What about Hendrix or Hank Williams?

Hank Williams died from drinkin'

when he was in his 20s
and he's still famous.

- Awesome, totally awesome.

So how about it Spencer,

you want to come on the road with us

and be our drinkin' coach?

- Yeah, we got a big show comin' up.

The Bill Stanley Show.

It could be our big break

and we don't want to blow
it by showing up sober.

- [Narrator] Kevin thought
about all the things

he'd be leaving behind if he
went on the road with the band.

[g*n pops]

[glass cracks]

- [Percy] [laughs] My fault,

I thought the f*ck' safety was on.

[bells ringing]

- Oh, yes, baby.

Ain't you got no homework to do, boy.

[slow trumpet music]
[birds chirping]

- [Radio Voice] Says a
scuff at 148 North City.

- I swear to Christ, I was at
the f*ck' movies all night.

- [Narrator] After a
few moments of thought

Kevin figured going on the
road with a rock 'n' roll band,

was probably a whole
lot safer and more fun,

than living with his family.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, where's Willie?

- I'm Willie.

[heels clicking]

- I'm Anastasia Spencer,
I'm here for my show.

- It's only one in the afternoon

you aren't on for eight hours.

- I figured I'd get here early.

That way I could get started
on the free booze you promised.

- If you start drinking now,

you'll be too drunk to
perform by show time. [laughs]

[curious music]

- Now, hell I started
drinking three hours ago,

when I got out of bed,

and I ain't plannin' on
stoppin' no time soon.

[heels clicking]

- Fine you can have some draft.

Maybe it's good you
came down early anyways,

it'll give me some time to
give you a few pointers.

Hey, Tony pour a glass of
dry for the lady. [laughs]

- Make it a pitcher,
Tony, and keep 'em comin'.

[dramatic music]

- Why don't we move to a table

where we'll be more comfortable?

Here have a seat.

- Jesus, what a gentleman.

The only thing my fat husband
ever pulled out was himself

on account he don't want
no more f*cked up kids.

[Willie laughing]

- That's exactly what I'm
looking for, raw and edgy.

You give me 30 solid minutes
of material like that

and I'll make you a star. [laughs]

- Really, hey, can you get
me backstage at the Oscars?

I wouldn't mind taking a
shot at that Brad Pitt fella.

[Willie laughing]

- How's about we see how
your first few gigs go

before we get ahead of ourselves.

- Well then how's about
we get another pitcher

while we're waitin'?

- Keep 'em coming Tony.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Hanging out
with a rock 'n' roll band

wasn't turning out to be as
much fun as Kevin had hoped.

Kevin didn't like lifting heavy things,

because that was work and
Kevin wasn't much for working,

because only idiots have jobs.

- Hey you little snot-nose sh*thole.

What do ya want?

[keys clinking]

Just hang 'em back up on
the f*ck' wall, asswipe.

- [Narrator] Kevin told the fat man

that it wasn't nice to call people names.

- Maybe you wouldn't get called names

if you didn't have a face
like a can of smashed assholes

you f*cking freak.

- [Narrator] Kevin wanted to
leave the keys and run away.

Allen the Magic Goose,
told him that if he did

then his new friends would
think he was a crybaby.

So instead of running Kevin
hit Lester in the head

with an ashtray and stole
all the money from the till

and set the front desk on fire.

Kevin knew that stealing
and setting fires was wrong,

but he did it anyway
because he didn't care,

and because he was really
afraid of the ax monkey.

[dramatic music]
[fire crackling]

[upbeat music]

- Hi I'm Prop Man, I'm headlining tonight.

Can you tell me where the green room is?

- I don't really work here, so
I wouldn't hold your breath.

- If you don't work here

why are you behind the bar pouring drinks?

- First off, unless you
want my foot up your a*s,

you didn't see nothin', and second,

I just meant I don't work behind the bar.

I'm a stand-up comic
now, startin' tonight.

- Tonight, I've got to share
a bill with an amateur?

Where's the manager?

- f*cked if I know, idiot.

- Well I can't believe this.

I'm gonna go sit over
there and work on my act,

while I wait for the manager.

I suggest you do the same.

- What work, all's you gotta do is get up

and sh**t off your mouth for a while.

It ain't like it's hard.

- You know come to think of
it, I'm glad I'm here tonight.

That way I get to watch you
make an a*s out of yourself.

- f*ck off.

[upbeat music]

- What do you want, Spencer?

- Hey, how'd you know my name?

- I've arrested you 52 times, since 1976.

- So you're the guy keep framin' me.

- Look, I'm kind of busy, idiot.

You wanna step this up?

- You find my boy yet?

- Nope.
- Oh well.

Oh hey, I want swear out an arrest warrant

on my old lady, Anastasia Spencer.

- On what charge?

- Slander, she's been going
around tellin' everyone

I can't get it up no more.

- Well can you?
- No.

- Then it ain't slander.

- Well, if it ain't slander,

then what what the hell is it?

- Funny.
- Oh, I'll give you funny.

[g*n pops]

[Spencer yells]

Oh, f*ck' neck.

- Them rubber b*ll*ts is sweet.

Lock the fat b*stard up.

- Look Kevin, so anyway me
and the guys were talking,

and we like you and all,

but after what happened at the motel

it's just that we got
this gig tomorrow night.

Well, it's The Bill Stanley Show.

- It's like the gateway to Dini Petty.

- Yeah, so anyway we were just wondering

if it would be all right
if you just kind of

hung out in the van or
went away or something.

[sad music]

- [Narrator] Kevin's heart sank

and he felt as close to
sad as a sociopath can.

He'd really thought the
guys in the band liked him

and it hurt finding out they didn't.

So Kevin pulled out his
homemade shank from his sock,

and told them that,

unless they started
being his friends again,

he'd open 'em up from t*ts to testicles.

- Whoa, nobody said nothin'
about not being friends.

We just need someone to
guard the van is all.

Listen Kevin, Toronto's a
filthy crime ridden sh*thole

of a city.

Think of it like being
promoted to head of security.

- Yeah, you gotta love
commercials, man, I know I do.

Hey, it's like looking at a
f*ck' oil painting here.

Hello, hello is this thing on.

[microphone squeals]
[crowd mumbles]

So, what do you do, sir?

- The same thing you do, only funnier.

- Hey, come on you don't see
me showing up where you work.

- That's because your act sucks

and Bill would never book you on his show.

- So, anyhow, our next act
is making her debut tonight

take it easy on her folks, God didn't.

Wow, an amateur ain't you
glad you paid to see that.

[crowd cheering]

- Jesus Christ, you call that an act?

I feel like I just
witnessed a suicide, ha!

- I'd like to see you do better.

- I'd like to see you
get it up with a woman.

[crowd laughing]

- Listen, lady.

- So help me, God, if you
don't get off the stage

I'll end your life.

What an as*h*le.

Well like he said, this
here's my first time,

hope it goes better than
my other first time.

It probably will on account
of I'm a whole lot smarter

than I was when I was 13.

And I hold my booze better, too.

Tell you the truth I'm just here

for free liquor and 75 bucks.

And to get away from my
as*h*le husband and idiot kid.

I don't know what the f*ck I
was thinking marrying, Percy.

He ain't never had no job on
account of his being stupid.

About the only thing he
ever give me was crabs.

Oh yeah, and a kid who makes
the Ret*rded banjo player

from Deliverance look smart.

- Bill wants her on the show.

- She's too edgy, Bill.

I don't think her act would play on TV.

- Don't ever question Bill's decisions.

I want her on tomorrow night's show,

bump that as*h*le, Prop Man, to make room.

Now Bill wants to hear the
rest of the show, so zip it.

- So as I says to the
guy, quit crying you p*ssy

and give me the smokes or
I'll take my pants off again

and this time I'll mean business.

[crowd applauding

[crowd mumbling]

[upbeat music]

- Okay, you just wait here
and guard the van Spencer,

we'll be back in a few hours.

We're counting on you Kevin.

- We know you can do it, pal.

[uptempo music]

- What the f*ck' freak?

- Yeah, I hope the van
gets stolen with him in it.

[shoes thudding]

- I can't tell you how
glad I am that you're here.

What you do, your act,

it's like Roseanne during
the Tom Arnold years.

- Whatever, hey how's
about you get off your a*s

and get me another beer.

- [laughs] That's exactly
what I mean, that attitude.

- Hey, I wasn't kidding, as*h*le.

- I gotta go do the monologue,
I'll see you out there.

Hey, break a leg.

[shoes thudding]

- I gotta break your f*ck' leg

for stiffing me on the beer.

[shoes thudding]

- Hi, we're Big Jesus Truck.

- Nice to meet ya, I'm Big Jesus Thirsty,

how's about grabbin' me a beer.

- [Narrator] It had been three hours

and Kevin was getting bored
being a security guard.

Kevin wasn't sure what to do

and he thought that maybe
his imaginary friend,

Allen the Magic Goose, might
be able to help him out.

- [Allen] Well, let's
just review the situation

and see where things stand.

Right here we got you.

[crowd yelling]

[upbeat music]

- Oh hey, Po, Mark wants to know

how late you're working tonight,

so he knows how much time
he's got with your wife.

[crowd laughs]

- [laughs] Good one, Bill, man.

- [Po Voiceover] Keep it up,
boy, the revolution's coming.

- Our next guest is making
her television debut.

She's a hot comic

who likes to take risks,
Anastasia Spencer.

[crowd cheers]

- I guess I'm supposed to tell
you about my stupid family.

I got one husband and one kid.

Well, the one we kept he had a brother,

but we give him away
at birth on account of

I didn't want to be stuck with
two of the little b*stards.

sh*t and misery that's my motto.

We shoulda kept the other one instead,

'cause the one we got
has a f*cked-up head.

The doctors say he don't feel no emotion,

kinda like me when I
bang his father. [laughs]

[crowd laughs]

Whenever me and Percy have sex

I like to close my eyes
and think of someone else,

until the alcohol kicks in and I blackout.

[crowd laughs]

The only time it's a problem is when you

don't drink enough,

so you remember some of it the next day.

[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music]

- Anastasia Spencer, great act.

- Quit sucking up big head,

I ain't forgot about the beer.

- So, what's next for you?

You goin' on the road, maybe a special?

- I don't know?

Hey, is it all right if I smoke.

- [Woman] Take it outside,
secondhand smoke kills.

- Come again?

- I said secondhand smoke
kills innocent people.

- So'd Hitler, but I don't see you

raking him over the coals.

What are you some kind of n*zi lover?

- What, no, what the hell's
Hitler got to do with smoking?

Really all I'm saying is
that for those of us who--

- f*ck off.

[crowd laughs]

- [Narrator] Kevin was excited,

he recognized his mom's voice right away,

because it was pretty
much the exact same thing

she said to him whenever he
asked for help or advice.

Kevin decided to ask his mom

if he could come back home
after he k*lled the band.

- Ladies and gentlemen, Big Jesus Truck.

- Four, three, two, one.

[rock music]

♪ I can't see my two dumb feet ♪

♪ My beer belly's hiding my knees ♪

♪ The trailer park is awful dark ♪

♪ So I'm always pissing in the trees ♪

♪ Because I'm a welfare alcoholic ♪

♪ My smoke is more than greed ♪

♪ So I'm a welfare alcoholic ♪

♪ 'Cause bein' sober's making me ♪

♪ Yaw, welfare, I got on it ♪

♪ My smoke is more than greed ♪

♪ I'm a welfare alcoholic ♪

[microphone squeals]

- Nice shot, boy.

[crowd cheering]

[curious music]

- [Narrator] Kevin hadn't actually k*lled

any of the band members,

but he did hurt some of them real bad,

so he felt pretty good about himself.

The judge called that a lack of remorse

and gave Kevin an extra six months for it.

- Maybe that'll teach ya
not to steal my smoke.

Who's laughing now lunatic?

[shoes clicking]

- Hey, Spencer, you told me
you didn't have no smokes

and here you got a whole pack.

You lied to me, now I
gotta make you my b*tch.

[suspenseful music]

- [Percy] Uh-oh.

[crowds laughs]

- [Percy] Ah, f*ck.

[beeping]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[beep]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Male] Maybe you
wouldn't get called names

if you didn't have a face like
a can of smashed assholes,

you f*ck' freak.

[trumpet toot reverberates]