02x14 - Corrupting Our Youth

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Somethin's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smokin',
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Narrator] It was the middle of the week

and Kevin and the only man
were going to a hockey game

because Kevin had pretty
much dropped outta school

and because the old man didn't have

to go to work in the morning
because he didn't have a job

since jobs are for losers.

- The boy loves it when
ya go to hockey games.

- Yeah, that's cause I teach him

all my tricks for smugglin' booze.

Here's an old family secret, boy.

When ya go to get through security,

stick the bottle down your pants.

- [Narrator] Kevin reminded the old man

that the last time he tried to do that

he'd fallen down the arena
steps and broke the bottle

and had to spend almost seventeen hours

in the emergency ward getting
stitches in his groin.

- Well I guess I can make this wine skin

look like a colostomy bag.

- [Narrator] Kevin was about to give up

and just spend the night drinking at home

when he suddenly had an idea.

- Looks like ya twin brother, ha!

- We stuffed a hundred
beer in ta that doup.

That's almost as much as me.

- [Narrator] Even paying
for the dummies admission,

Percy was saving money.

So he was pretty happy.

But the dummy was so heavy,

they both had to lift it out to the car.

When they got to the arena,

the security guards
didn't suspect a thing.

- Three tickets.

- What's wrong with the kid?

- He's crippled, but he likes hockey.

- God, I think he's foaming at the mouth!

Sir, allow us to provide you

a complementary wheelchair
on behalf of the management.

- Yeah, getting tired of
hauling his gimpy a*s around.

Start pushing, Kevin.

[cheering]

Faster boy, put the mileage
on this piece a' sh*t.

- [Narrator] Percy liked
hockey a lot more than Kevin.

He especially liked the part where

he took off his pants
and teased the players.

- Hey goalie, over here.

- Oh my freaking God!

- [Narrator] Percy wasn't
what you would call

an attractive man, especially
when he had his pants down

which unfortunately happened quite a lot.

- You may now kiss the bride.

- On the charge of public indecency,

how does the defendant plead?

- Not guilty.

Hi, Santa.

- [Santa] Pull your g*dd*mn
pants up you freaking pervert.

- Hey, look at the drink guy over there

with his pants down shaking
his bare a*s at everyone.

- Yeah, what about it?

- [Security Guard] Look what he's drinkin'

- Holy smokes, he's got booze!

Let's get 'em!

[fast rock music]

- [Security Guard] Hey you,
alcohol's ill*gal in here!

- Security?

Hell, I wonder how they knew.

[upbeat spy music]

- Run boy.

Thems rental cops so they can't sh**t ya.

- [Narrator] Kevin and Percy ran

like it was the last call at the Legion.

But because they both
smoke three packs a day,

they figure they better find
a hiding spot right quick

before they each had a stroke.

- Damn machine ate my quarter.

- Come on boy, we'll
hide in this here booth.

[upbeat music]

- I got an idea boy, lets trade clothes.

That way they won't recognize us

when we step outta the booth.

- Who do those morons
think they're fooling?

It's pathetic really.

- Hey buddy, ya can't fool me.

That's the first thing they
taught me at community college.

Now git over here.

- Run, boy!

- [Narrator] Kevin and his
dad ran into an access door

leading into a very dark room.

- [Percy] Where are ya, boy?

I can't see a damn thing in here.

Wonder if I blacked out again.

What I'd do with them f*ck' matches?

- [Security Guard] I
think I saw it go in here.

[siren blaring]

- [Announcer] And that's
the end of the first period.

Now put your hands together
for The Half Pints,

m*dget wrestling brought to you by:

Mom's Shortbread, stick it in your mouth

you'll be glad you did.

Let's meet the wrestlers.

Direct from Wawa: Big Chief Little Feather

last of the m*dget Mohicans.

And he'll be matching wits against

the reigning champion:

the guy who sweeps up
the lobby after the game.

But before the match, a special message.

- Kids, say no to drugs
and practice safe sex.

- And you'll grown up to
be champions, like us.

- [Announcer] Lobby
m*dget starts things off

with a helicopter hold.

The Chief makes a clean getaway

by running between the referees legs.

I believe Mohammed Ali used a similar move

in the Thrilla in Manila.

But wait!

There seems to be a fan in the ring.

- Where the Christ am I?

- [Announcer] And the midgets
are working him over good.

Lobby m*dget and The Big Chief

have the man in the Krakatoah Brick Drop.

Witness their m*dget wrath!

Fans, you won't get action
like this in the big leagues.

What's this?

My God, somebody's driving
a Zamboni onto the ice!

[glass shatters]

There's no stopping these t*rrorists!

- [Crowd] Boo!

- [Announcer] They're
heading for the parking lot.

Oh, the humanity!

And now, back to the second period.

- [Narrator] Kevin and the old man

drove all the way out of the parking lot

and took a sweet little
joyride on a Zamboni.

Then they stripped it for parts

and left it up on blocks.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, how was the big game last night?

- Nothin' was happenin' so we left early.

[rap music]

[doorbell rings]

- I ain't gettin' it.

- So, like, okay.

You're watching Toon TV

and like, hello!

We bring you music on television.

I'm the girl you wanted
to be in high school

but you couldn't because you were

probably like fat or ugly or something.

- Radical!

I'm your co-host, unthreatening male dork.

Today we pull out some ancient rock band

D-Def- Leapord.

Wow, whatever.

And on today's issues segment,

we look at the problem that's so big

cha, I can't even wrap my head around it.

- We call it

- [Hosts] Teens in Trouble!

- Okay, like, today we
look at teens and drinking.

Which of course, we never do.

[doorbell rings]

- That's right.

But take a look at this footage

from one of our own,
Video Talk-back Booths.

- Someone get the f*ck' door.

[doorbell rings]

- [Male Host] We wanna assure viewers

that we have shown this
footage to the police

and they're on their
way to arrest this dude

right now, live on the air!

[aggressive horn music]

- It's the pigs!

Go get my favorite hitting bat, will yah?

- The one you used on my brother-in-law?

- f*ck' Christ woman!

This ain't some half-blind, one-legged

paraplegic we're talkin' about!

It's the cops.

- I'm usin' it for my tomato plants

- Fine, I'll use the f*ck' lamp again.

- There they is, just like I told you.

Now pay up.

- Mr. Spencer, why did
you buy your son alcohol?

- Cause he bought the last round.

Why, you callin' me cheap?

- Mr. Spencer, I have a question

- Who the hell are you prick?

- Quaint, I was wondering why

you decided to become such a bad father?

- [Percy] Like your head, I
figured it was worth a swing.

- [Narrator] Percy was awfully excited

at beating so many local
TV news celebrities.

The local anchor man, and
the local weather man.

Even the local gardening expert.

That's when Percy noticed that

celebrities are just like normal people,

at least when it come to
hitting them over the head

with a ceramic standing lamp.

What he didn't know at the time

was that the news media
was worse than the mafia

and if ya piss them off, they make ya pay.

- Innocent members of the
journalistic community

were injured today.

Some so severely that they
couldn't finish their beer.

They were attacked by this man,

Percy Spencer.

- [Narrator] Kevin's dad
was dragged through the mud

on national television.

- How does it feel to
be so completely evil?

- What's completely mean?

- Do you have anything you'd like to say

to the mother and little boy
who's lives you've destroyed?

- Send some f*ck' smokes.

- Percy Spencer will be spending

the next few years in prison

to think about how he's
corrupted our youth.

Coming up later tonight, a follow up story

looks at the Spencer family:

From Beers to Tears.

- [Narrator] The next day at school

started out pretty typically.

Kevin was working on a science project

that allowed him to drink
and smoke at the same time

and he was looking forward to

showing his class how it worked.

That's when he noticed something weird

about the way the other
kids looked at him.

It was weirder than usual.

Kevin aimed to straighten things out.

But before he got a chance,
one of the kids spoke.

- Hey, Spencer.

Saw ya on TV last night.

Way to go!

- Yeah I wish I had a rotten dad.

- So what was it like, Spencer?

- [Narrator] He realized that bein' on TV

must be a real sweet deal.

The only other member of his family

he can remember bein' on TV

was mom when she went on The Dating Game

while dad was in detox.

- Bachelor Number Two, do ya got a Camaro?

- Yep.

- I'm yours, baby.

- You and I gotta play our
cards right here, poster boy.

You just let ol' Allen make
the decisions from now on.

- [Narrator] Kevin figured he'd
straighten things out later

when he was done signing autographs.

When Allen and Kevin got home,

they found his mum on the
front lawn which isn't so weird

except for one, she wasn't
unconscious from the booze.

- Look at this, baby.

I just sold the TV movie
rights to our story

to a big television network.

They gave me fifty bucks!

And these news people wanna
pay money to talk to you.

- Tell 'em you'll talk for
some smokes, broken head.

Don't let them use you!

- [Narrator] Kevin told the journalists

how his dad used to get drunk and do drugs

and sleep with hookers.

The journalists all gasped.

Mostly because they
all did the same things

and didn't want anyone to suspect.

- Now we go to work, boy.

Your lies just aint bad enough

to milk this baby long term.

We got ta start some fabricating.

- [Narrator] That when Kevin made up

a few whoppers about the old man

involving missing
hitch-hikers, w*r crimes,

and a shadowy involvement
with the Olympic committee.

He figured that outta learn the

ignorant b*stard a thing or two.

- Good Lord, this boy's been through hell.

Is Kevin receiving treatment
of any kind, Mrs. Spencer?

- No, we can't afford no medication

on account a' Percy spent all the money

on gamblin' and wh*res.

- [Narrator] Thanks to
all the press coverage,

Kevin and Anastasia soon
had plenty of medicine.

Mostly cough medicine.

And mum made sure to get herself

a sweet little stash of bourbon

and a few months worth of pills

with her forged prescriptions.

- You made up a few
doozies there Kevin, huh.

But it was worth it.

I'm gonna get ya on all the TV shows.

Opera, Sally, Montel,

Ricky, Larry, Rosie,

Regis and Liza.

- [Narrator] While mum
rattled off first names,

Kevin wondered what
Allen's secret agenda was.

- Never hurts to have good press,

you're a celebrity now.

We're gonna milk this b*stard

until we have enough money for

an A-b*mb or an Orgy Love Commune.

People of Spenthoria, I some
important things to tell you.

First, you must step forth unto the land

and spread your seed amongst the people.

Second, you read for only
knowledge is freedom.

And finally, would the person
driving the red '79 Gremlin

please move yo car?

It's not blockin' anything,

but it makes the commune look shitty.

- [Narrator] While Kevin
and Allen made their plans,

no one gave a second thought

to how the old man was
doing back in the joint.

- Hey Percy, ain't that
Kevin on the TV news?

- Little prick.

What's he sayin' about me now?

- You should be nicer
to the Messiah, Percy.

He's had a rough life.

- I know, I'm the one who made it rough.

But do I see a cent of the money?

Uh-uh.

Ain't no justice in the world.

- Spencer, ya got a visitor.

- I bring your mail from
the 'ouse like you ask.

The guards tore it open, sorry!

- Still no cheque?

I haven't got a welfare cheque in months.

You sure you ain't seen one?

- Allo, I'm Percy Spencer and

I'd like ta cash my last
three welfare cheques, please.

Well, you know the government,

never cut an inmate an even break.

But you've been getting a lotta other mail

look at all these envelopes
from lonely women.

And do they sound horny, woohoohoo.

- I thought you said the
guards tore the letters open.

- Well it's getting late!

Smell yah later old buddy.

- [Narrator] Ever since the
scandal had been revealed,

Percy had been getting letters

from every loser bimbo
who could lick a stamp.

- Read my letter.

- Why me?

- I can't read too good,

and you're hooked on phonics.

- I'm hooked don crack, you moron.

But I'll try.

Dear Percy,

- [Cat Lady] I know
how all that time alone

in that horrible prison
must drain your spirit.

Let me tell you a bit about myself.

My measurements are 49, 89, 102.

I enjoy being taken on long walks

whenever I can find a romantic
man with a wheelbarrow.

I know you feel alone,
like no one understands you

but I do.

Here's twenty bucks.

- Ever since they boy turned me in,

I made a thousand bucks
from these dumb chicks.

- Wow!

Where'd ya keep it?

- Like you'll ever know, prick.

- Hand it over you son-of-a-b*tch.

- [Narrator] Being famous
was Kevin's dream come true

because he finally fit
in and everyone liked him

and he mixed with the
jet-set at fancy parties.

- Oo, look over there, Kevin.

It's the Backstreet Boys.

And over there is the rock band, N'SYNC.

And the New Kids on
The Block reunion tour.

- [Narrator] Kevin was speechless,

he'd never been around so
many celebrities before.

So, he decided he'd better
do something to calm down.

- Hey, Spencer.

Why don't you come into
the bathroom with the band?

Wes guys have kick a*s peyote.

- [Narrator] Kevin couldn't remember

which band he'd partied with

but by the time he came outta the bathroom

he was more cross-eyed than

the first son of married cousins.

He tried to come down using booze,

but that just gave him the spins

and he ended up passing out.

When he woke up, mum
was splashing his face

with a vodka tonic, and he was surrounded

by show business sleezeballs.

- Spencer, my name's Krepski.

Gimme a call sometime.

Hey!

Get that camera outta here.

- Spencer, I'm talk
show host Harry Stinger.

I want ya to be on my show.

The l*sbian, prost*tute,
space alien love child

couldn't make it: ingrown toe nail.

- Kevin, you're gonna embarrass us

in front of all these famous people.

Now help me pour these c*ck wienies

in my purse and we'll make for the door.

[bouncy music]

- [Narrator] Kevin's mom took him

to see his new agent, Mr. Krepski.

Kevin noticed how much mum

was taken an interest in his career

and decided to keep a close eye on her.

- Come on Kevin.

If it wasn't for me marryin' the jerk

in the first place,
you wouldn't be famous.

- Kevin I have an exciting
campaign ready for you.

Bigger than big!

Remember, I'm the guy
who made Milli Vanilli

what they are today.

First, merchandising.

The Kevin Spencer Diet Plan!

It's just cough syrup and smokes.

Cigarette companies are
falling all over themselves

to have such a young spokesman.

And how about this?

Your new tell-all book,
ghost written by ya mom.

Kevin Spencer: Life Sentence to Love.

Could it get more brilliant?

Of course it could!

Each page can be torn out
and used as rolling paper.

I've swung a deal with the milk companies,

from now on they're
throwing out the old idea

of having lost kids on the cartons

and putting your face on 'em instead.

- But Kevin isn't lost.

- It's all part of the promotion,

I'll explain later.

Okay, Kevin, what woman
wouldn't be turned on

by Kevin Spencer cologne?

- Ooo, how f*cking sophisticated.

- Well not really.

It's also mostly cough
syrup and cigarettes.

And finally, we have the
obligatory marketing items.

Kevin Spencer driveway gravel,

lighter fluid, and sanitary napkins.

- Sanitary napkins?

- Kevin's Choice Tampons.

They may not be number one,

but they're right up there!

Now, Kevin, we have to talk about

your big appearance on the Stinger Show.

Let's see ya game face.

No, not tragic enough.

Think about your father
rotting away in prison.

Okay, we'll try something else.

What's the saddest thing you can remember?

- [Narrator] Kevin thought about the time

that he was drunk and the old man

asked him to go into the fridge

and see if the lights went
out when the door closed.

Then Percy forgot about him,

and the fridge was
repossessed by creditors.

Kevin remembered those three days

withdrawing from booze and smokes

all alone in the dark.

- That's the face I'm looking for.

- Wow, wouldn't your father be proud?

Nah, guess not.

[upbeat guitar music]

- I think the guards went
through your mail again, Percy.

- Did they find the sugar?

- Yeah, but they're gonna let ya keep it

cause it's not tha big contraband.

Ah, listen, I was wondering

- Can't stay and talk.

Stay outta my mail ya arse wipe.

Read my letter for me.

- Dear Percy,

- [Cat Lady] I've sent you
all the money I can spare.

I spent the rest to buy
a special outfit for you

when you get out of prison.

But before we finally
meet you should know,

I'm a hermaphrodite.

Here's the supplies you said

you needed to try and break out.

I'll be waiting on the other side.

Love, Maxine.

- What's a halfvermite?

- I think it's when you stand up too fast.

You got a way with the babes, Percy.

So when ya goin' over the wall?

- Like you'll ever know, prick.

- That does it, you tight son-of-a-b*tch.

- Okay, Spencer.

It's time to go to your pre-trial hearing.

- [Narrator] Kevin's old man had

a pretty sweet plan for busting out.

Maxine sent a whole lotta sugar

and Percy at it all.

Then he barfed it up again.

- I learned this trick from the boy.

- [Narrator] Sure enough
they were half way

to his pre-trial hearing when
the enguine ground to a halt.

- Haha, right on schedule.

Now I take out the guard
and I'll be home free.

- [Narrator] Unfortunately, the bus had

ground to a halt on an elevated bridge.

- Well that's just f*ck' perfect.

Wait til I getta hold a' you boy.

- Spencer, your career criminality

and wanton disregard for public safety

has left us no choice.

I am not allowed to give
you the death penalty,

but I can have you
declared criminally insane

and have you lobotomized.

- Oh my God, what's that?

- They're going to cut into his brain

and throw part of it out.

- But will his family
jewels still be alright?

- Yes, possibly even better.

- Well, alright then.

[upbeat guitar music]

- Folks, I know I couldn't be more honored

than to be here saying
thank you to Kevin Spencer.

But Kevin, we can't let you go

without springing a little surprise on ya.

Right now in Joyceville Institute

for the Criminally Difficult,

your father is about to
undergo a surgical lobotomy.

We now go to our live satellite hookup.

- Don't I get no anesthetic?

- We only use anesthetic on people

who might be able to afford a lawyer.

- Percy Spencer, before society

pulls your brains through your nose

on national television.

Do you have any parting thoughts

to help your son begin the healing?

- Yeah, why'd you tell them lies about me

you little f*ck' son-of-a-b*tch?

As soon as this lobotomy's over

I'm gonna kick your hat up your a*s.

[audience gasping]

- [Narrator] Kevin didn't much like

being talked to like that

and he told Percy that he would have

made up even worse stuff

but no one would have believed

such a fat, lazy arse hole

was capable of getting off the couch.

- Wait a minute.

You, you, you made up some of

the accusations against your father?

[audience gasping]

- Haha, you're busted you little son-of-a,

Ah!

- [Narrator] Soon Kevin's
fame had disappeared.

- Sayonara, loser!

- [Narrator] He couldn't even
get a job in dinner theater.

Luckily for Percy, they stopped
his surgery just in time.

As a malpractice settlement,

he got a brand new Camaro
and all his medical costs

including the reconstructive rhinoplastic.

Kevin was really scared that the old man

was gonna whop his a*s

for falsely incriminating him.

And politely asked Percy if
there was any hard feelings.

- I was lucky, boy.

They only pulled out the part
of my brain near the front.

- [Narrator] Kevin asked Percy what

part of the brain that involved.

- I was lucky, boy.

They only pulled out the part
of my brain near the front.

- [Narrator] Then he asked if the keys

were still inside the Camaro.

- I was lucky, boy.

They only pulled out the part
of my brain near the front.

- My last word is about the
real victim in all a' this.

This young boy, who was found abandoned

at the local hockey arena.

Who speaks for him?

[hard rock music]

♪Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Somethin's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smokin',
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Percy] I was lucky, boy.

They only pulled out the part
of my brain near the front.