♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
[funky music]
- [Narrator] Because Kevin wanted to see
how normal families lived, he was using
a stolen video camera to spy
into the Benson's master bedroom.
The Benson's had been
married for almost 12 years,
so Kevin really never saw them having sex.
Most of the time Mrs. Benson lay in bed
reading romance novels while
her husband did their taxes.
[moaning]
- Hey boy, what the hell are you doing?
- Jesus, I think he's spying
on them as*h*le Bensons.
- Lemme see, lemme see, lemme see.
He's just sittin' around doin' his taxes.
Son of a b*tch, he's
claimin' his dental expenses.
- What's wrong with that?
- I wouldn't have punched
his g*dd*mn teeth out
in the first place if I thought
I was doin' him a favor.
You ain't never gonna see
no action over there, boy.
You should go down to
the real porno studios
and see how they do it.
Maybe if you're good
enough, you can work there
like your mother did before
she joined the rodeo.
- Oh stop it, you're embarrassing me.
I only made a few films.
- Least it's better than watchin'
some toothless old prick doin' his taxes.
Hey why don't you do something
interesting over there ya arsehole?
- Speaking of taxes, you got a letter
from the government last week.
You been using it as a coaster.
- What's it say?
- They wanna know why you ain't
filed a claim in 30 years.
They're offering to drop by
for a complimentary audit.
- f*ck' tax cops is
the worst cops there is.
Them's the ones who got Al
Capone and gave him syphilis.
- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't
paying much attention.
He figured the old man was probably right
and that he better learn a bit
about the adult film industry
if he was ever going to
be happy and successful,
like Larry Flint.
- Holy sweet Jesus ma, we gotta find
every receipt in the house.
- Use your head, ya fat b*stard.
They don't give you no
receipts when ya shoplift.
- Where do you think you're going?
- Well, I was just going
in to buy some porno,
you know, the long weekend's coming up,
so I though I'd invite some friends over,
throw back a few beers
and play some pornos.
You know, cottage type stuff.
- You filthy pig, don't
you know that p*rn*graphy
contributes to the violent
objectification of women?
How long must we wear the
yoke of your beauty myth?
How long must we--
- But you don't understand that I'm g*y.
I'm going to buy some g*y porno.
There's no women involved.
- Oh, well in that case it's okay.
g*y people are the only ones who are
allowed to have p*rn*graphy.
- Oh well, that's very nice, thank you.
[funky music]
- Welcome to the porno film studios tour.
We're dedicated to bringing
you only the finest
entertainment for the whole family.
Oh wait, did I say the whole family?
Whoa, what's was I thinking?
Sorry, bringing you the
finest in adult erotica.
Now some of you might want me to answer
the question, what is porn?
- Ain't it when people are
doin' it in the picture
so's other people can watch them doin' it?
In the pictures like?
- And some others might want me to answer
the question what is rhetorical?
But I'll get to that later.
[twinkling]
Let's look at this ancient Grecian urn.
It has a picture of a man and a woman
expressing their passion physically.
have been called p*rn*graphy,
but today it's called art.
Now, let's look at this recent
film produced by our studios.
[digital music]
[expl*si*n]
- This darn nuclear w*r
has wiped out humanity.
- I guess we better start
doing some repopulating.
- [Actress] Oh, now that's
a heat seeking m*ssile.
- In 2000 years, maybe this will be
considered great art as well.
[laughing] Stop laughing, it could happen.
Now, everyone climb aboard our magic bed
and we'll have a look behind the scenes
at everything that goes
on here at the studio.
Oh, and don't forget to
wear your safety goggles.
You'll know why if it happens.
[funky music]
Here's where we perform the
voiceovers that translate
all our films into different languages.
For example, right now our voice artists
are performing a french version
of a recent film for our European market.
- Bon soir, mon amour, je t'aime.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?
- Mais oui mon petit choi, apres toi.
- Now, notice the difference in the voices
we use for our Quebec market.
- Eh bebe, [speaking French]
- [speaking French]
- [speaking French]
- And in this room, we're
about to film a scene
for another one of our epic films.
If you liked the film Twister,
you'll love Tornado Girls.
- Action!
- Whoa, that tornado sucked
everything off the farm.
- Not everything.
- I sure bet that I could
show that darn tornado
a thing or two about sucking.
- Sweet baby, sweet!
- [Narrator] Kevin was learning
all kinds of interesting things.
He never suspected that
the music for porno films
was actually played by a band live on set.
- Excuse me CJ, but I have
a problem with this scene.
- Cut, take five guys.
[footsteps]
- It's all about this lubricant.
It says it could cause birth defects.
- Ah, whatta you care, you had
a vasectomy two months ago.
- That was a bicycle accident you idiot.
- You can't talk to me that way.
If it wasn't for me, John Holmes wouldn't
be where he is today.
- John Holmes is dead.
- Yeah, but he's a legend, unlike you!
You Pornman, are a
has-been that never was.
Now take off your pants,
slap on that lubricant
and start acting like a professional.
- Noone talks to Pornman that way, I quit!
[audience gasping]
- No man, you can't.
- If anyone believes that
what we do here is art,
if anyone believes in an
industry that's honest
and respectful, if anyone believes
in Pornman, then follow me.
[intense music]
Thanks kid, you won't be sorry.
[upbeat music]
- My buddy Charlie said you
can help me with my taxes.
- Absolutely sir, all I'm
going to need is your T4s
for the last five years,
all your relevant receipts,
a signed waiver allowing me
to act on your behalf and--
- I don't know what all that stuff means,
but I ain't paid taxes in almost 30 years.
Ain't got no T4s 'cause I never worked
more than a couple a days at a time.
Besides, if they want
my g*dd*mn money so bad,
let them figure out how much I owe 'em.
- The government believes
the indignity of you
doing it yourself helps
keep you in your place.
But considering your special
work history or lack there of,
you'll need a T7G Special form.
That's where we just forget
about doing all the math
and enroll you in an
experimental workfare program
to start chipping away at
your tax debt right away.
What do you think?
- I think I'd better get
outta here before I kick
your f*ck' nuts up around your throat.
- You wouldn't be the
first, tell your friends.
- When I was a little boy, I used to dream
of being like Clint Eastwood.
Walking into a saloon just a'killin'
and a'rubbin' out all the bad guys.
Well here I am, I've
done a lot of rubbing,
but no k*lling. [sobbing]
- [Narrator] Kevin told
Pornman to stop being
such a big suck, he explained
that with his management,
they could make their own movies
and clean up a nice chunk of change.
- No more movies Kevin,
I need to prove there's
more to Pornman than just a
slight genetic abnormality.
I'm going legitimate,
I want to sing and act.
I want to make people laugh and dance.
The next time I drop my
pants, it will be for art.
- [Narrator] Kevin hadn't counted on this.
He didn't quite cotton to
the idea of bustin' his hump
trying to get work for
a washed-up porn star
who refused to do the deed.
- Don't worry Kevin, this guy's
even dumber than your old man.
He can still make us some money,
we'll take the receipts
and haul a*s outta town.
- [Narrator] Allen's
idea sounded a bit crazy,
but Kevin thought that maybe
one of the many bartenders
he knew might just give Pornman a chance.
Kevin figured he had nothing to lose,
mostly because he dropped out of school,
didn't have a job and didn't much care
for hanging around his house
listening to his parents.
- Okay Afroman, this is your
first time as a solo performer,
do you think you can handle it?
- I'll try, but I'm used to
workin' as a two man team
and I don't--
- Action!
- Man, these buns sure are hot!
I said, man, these buns sure are hot!
Normally this is where Pornman tells me
how he's gonna frost my buns.
- Cut!
Here's your pink slip
Afroman, you're history.
Hit the bricks.
- Man,
that slip sure is pink.
- I said get out.
- [Narrator] Kevin had
to admit his hallucinated
imaginary friend Allen
wasn't so crazy after all.
After only a couple of weeks,
Pornman's legitimate career
was going great and he snagged
him all kinds of appearances.
- We're live in five, four, three, two.
- Don't forget to tune to
News Nine at ten on eleven
for all your up to the
minute news coverage.
Plus, meet our new sportscaster, Pornman.
- That's right Shawna, if you're looking
for a man who can handle foul ba*ls
when he's going low and
inside, I'm your man.
- [laughing] Pornman,
you're irrepressible.
We'll also have a lighthearted
look at teen suicide
and then JJ goes to clown school.
And don't forget our
Happy Birthday report.
- That's right Shawna,
and today's Birthday File,
we give best wishes to Gertie
Mulzieger who's 107 years
young today, thanks to
a court order denying
her the right to die with dignity.
Happy birthday Gertie, Shawna.
[moaning]
That's all coming up tonight
on News 11 at 10 on three.
- [Narrator] Kevin even
landed him a few gigs
at a local pub as a lounge singer.
Mostly because Kevin had
pictures of the bartender
keeping time with his mum the last time
the old man was in the joint.
[applauding]
- Here's a little tune I call Sweet Lucy
and it's for all you lovers
out there at table three.
I know you're there 'cause
I can smell ya, hit it boys.
♪ Oh baby ♪
♪ Sweet, sweet baby ♪
♪ I got me a case ♪
♪ Of the hippy, hippy shakin' ♪
♪ Mojo makin' ♪
♪ Earth quakin' love ♪
♪ Of your sweet, sweet sugary ♪
♪ Tender, tender graceful a*s ♪
♪ Ooh, your tender, tender graceful a*s ♪
♪ Give me some of that sweet sugary a*s ♪
- [Narrator] Kevin was raking in
a pretty good manager's
fee, 80% off the top.
So he decided to do some celebrating.
- Two cough syrup and tonics.
[funky music]
- Well, thanks to you Kevin,
I'm a real entertainer now.
I'm going to be a big
time local celebrity like,
like you know, that city
councilor they arrested
for having sex at the bus station.
Finally, I'm getting the respect
I've wanted all these years.
- [Bartender] Hey, somebody's
gotta pay for those, as*h*le!
- [Narrator] Soon Kevin
and Pornman were living
the frenetic jet set celebrity lifestyle.
They started drinking
together and buying hookers.
They even ate at fast food
drive-thrus every night.
This was about the time Kevin realized
his life really hadn't
changed that much from before.
- [Order Taker] You
want creamy plus thick?
- I want something thick and creamy.
- What, that voice?
- You say you want a thick,
creamy chocolate shake?
- Hmm, you sound familiar.
You're giving me the shakes
just listening to ya.
- What size would you like, sir?
- What else?
- Super sized!
Pornman.
- Afroman?
I never thought I'd see you again.
[mysterious music]
[popping]
What are you doing here, Afroman?
- Oh, they fired me from the studio.
I just couldn't do it without you.
Gimme a second chance?
- I gave you a chance when I quit.
I asked you to come with me,
but you turned your back.
- I was afraid Pornman, but
I was wrong, I'm beggin' you.
- Let me ask my manager.
[guzzling]
[thumping]
Sorry Afroman, from now
on, I'm a solo performer.
[engine revving]
[brakes squealing]
[sad music]
- Man, these buns sure are hot!
- Maybe they just need
a bit a, oh never mind.
- [Narrator] So when Kevin was so wasted,
he couldn't distinguish
fantasy from reality.
Which wasn't unusual
except for some reason,
Allen the magic goose didn't
seem to be enjoying the ride.
- You and me have got
a creative difference.
We got as much as we're
gonna get outta this old
Pornman dude, time to take
the profit and cut out.
- [Narrator] Kevin thought that was
a pretty piss poor attitude,
especially since managing Pornman
was Allen's idea in the first place.
- Do not ever question the authority
of Allen the magic goose.
[crashing]
- [Narrator] When Kevin finally woke up,
he got a bit paranoid, something
in the air really stank
and he wondered if he'd
thrown up on himself again.
As it turned out, it was
just his old man slapping on
some of his best mail order cologne.
- Gotta practice lookin'
respectable for the auditor.
If it's a woman, I got no problem
because she won't be able to resist me.
Gotta go now, I gotta get some
receipts from the hookers.
- Kevin, it's my big break.
My first audition in community
theater came through.
And I have a huge part.
- [Narrator] Kevin said he'd already seen
Pornman's huge part and asked
to hear more about the play.
It was true, Pornman had snagged a part
in the community theater production
of the famous stage musical Hair.
Kevin pointed out that this
musical had nudity in it.
- I know, but this is different.
This time I'm taking
off my clothes for art.
- We're very excited to be doing Hair.
It's such a radical production,
so much youthful hubris.
Now you do understand that this is
a fully clothed version of the play?
- But Hair is suppose to
have a lot of nudity in it.
That's the way the script was written.
- Yes, well you obviously haven't read
the small print on your contract have you?
[whistling sound]
[thudding]
Rehearsals start tomorrow, see you then.
- Kevin, I think I'm having
an artistic conflict.
If I don't take my clothes
off, I won't be respecting
the artistic integrity of the script.
To strip or not to strip,
that is the question.
- [Narrator] Things weren't
going so well for Percy either.
It turned out the auditor they sent
to review his case was a man.
So he had to turn to plan B.
- I'd like to enter these beer bottle caps
as proof of entertainment expenses.
- We can't accept these.
- Whatta ya talkin' about?
You can't treat me like this.
I did military service
for this f*ck' country.
- Ah, yes, you served
for exactly one morning
before assaulting a drill
sergeant and looting
prescription narcotics from the infirmary.
- Oh, you got all that, huh?
- People leave little paper
trails everywhere these days
Mr. Spencer and now,
thanks to the internet,
we can even find out when
you bought your last pair
of underpants on March 2nd, 1979?
- It ain't underwear,
it's called Wonderwear.
Each pair has a different superhero on it.
Bet you can't guess which one I got.
It's Captain Destructor.
- Mr. Spencer, I don't want to upset you,
but I believe you're looking
at a lengthy prison term,
but perhaps we could work something out.
After all, I have to admit,
you're overpowering cologne
is pretty hard to resist
and those underpants
do show you might have, shall we say,
alternate means of compensation?
- What are you sayin?
- Shazam!
- [Narrator] It occurred to Percy
that the auditor was getting fruity.
Even though he planned
on romancing a woman,
he started wondering if maybe
it wouldn't be worth it after all.
- Hmm, it wouldn't be so different
from what they'd do to
me in prison anyways.
- Don't do it Percy.
- Holy f*ck, it's Al Capone.
- They gave me the syphilis.
- You're right Al, these
f*ck' sons a b*tches
ain't gonna give me no syphilis.
I got some income for you
to declare. [punching]
- [Narrator] It was the
day of the big premiere
and everyone who was anyone
in the Catholic Teachers
Association was there.
- [coughing] Ladies and
gentlemen, as the president
of the Catholic Association of Teachers
and a**l retentive acting,
I'm proud to present
this hippy filth about
pot smoking peacenicks
and how Richard Nixon
fixed their little wagons.
[footsteps]
- This show's a sellout.
We've been wanting to cut the ba*ls off
this musical for years, now it's happened.
Thank you Pornman.
- What kind of musical is this?
This is suppose to be Hair.
Those kids don't look like
hippies and you cut out
all the stuff about the Vietnam w*r.
My uncle died over there.
- So sad, so sad, but never mind that now.
Just get out there, it's
time for your big opener.
You must be a very proud
manager Mr. Spencer.
[intense music]
Performance art, how compelling.
- I think it's time to
let the sunshine in.
[audience applauding]
- [Narrator] To the surprise of everyone,
the only opening they were going to see
was Pornman's zipper.
And he dropped his drawers
and reminded the crowd
what the summer of love
was really all about.
[audience screaming]
- I ain't seen a tallywhacker
that big since Milton Berle
whipped it out at the Friars Club.
- There is no God!
- Pornman, you were brilliant!
- Afroman, I was a fool,
the legitimate theater
is just as slimy as our movies.
Let's go home.
- What did I tell you?
This puppy couldn't go the distance.
Now let's make like Jimmy
Hoffa and disappear.
- [Narrator] As usual, Allen was right.
And it was really starting
to piss Kevin off.
So he grabbed the box office receipts
from the comatose theater producer,
stole a car and burned
rubber for the city limits.
Reviews for the play weren't very good,
but Kevin didn't care.
He had the money and he
still had his video camera.
And if that wasn't a
recipe for a good weekend
in Montreal, nothing was.
- Why don't you be more careful
where you're throwing your
trash, you stupid prick.
[whip lashing] Oh,
careful with that thing,
ya son of a wh*re. [whip lashing]
Holy Christ, okay, I'm moving, I'm moving.
[whip lashing]
[upbeat music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
[hard rock music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
- [French Voice-Over Actor]
Hey baby [speaking French]
- [French Voice-Over
Actress] [speaking French]
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