02x02 - A Day Off

[bunniefuu]

[horns blaring]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His dad don't like him, never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his back ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[pleasant music]
[birds chirping]

[music darkens]

- Stupid delinquent.

[honks horn]

[Percy and Anastasia snoring]

The hell with you, Spencer!

You can g*dd*mn well walk to school,

you no-good son of a b*tch,
stupid little b*stard!

- [Narrator] Kevin was sad.

He didn't like being called names.

He wanted to stab the bus driver,

but since she had already driven away,

Kevin figured it would just be easier

to bottle up his rage

until it threatened to
consume him entirely,

and he took it out on an innocent victim.

- Just ignore him, Kevin.

Hey, you know what'll
help you ignore things,

don't you, boy?

That's right, alcohol.

Now, let's you and me go get drunk,

and then we'll--

uh-oh.

[balloon pops]

[discordant piano music]
[mailbox clanging]

[car approaches]

- Work it, boy.

[sirens blaring]

- Are you responsible for this, kid?

What's the matter boy, no speak English?

Hey, I'm talking to you, cement head!

Hello?
[music builds]

[music crescendos]
[kick lands]

Ah!

[intense music]
[sirens blaring]

[crashing and brakes screeching]

[car engine idles]

[serene music]

[crashing and loud expl*si*n]

- Wow, that was close!

- Someone upstairs must really like us.

[bear growls]
[police officers scream]

[sirens blaring]
[helicopter blades whirring]

- This just in, local police are involved

in another high-speed chase.

We go now to our token pretty ethnic woman

in the field.

- Thank you, John.

And here alongside Highway 41,

where at any moment,
we expect the fugitive

driving the stolen Cadillac to speed past

with a complete and
utter reckless disregard

for both his life and the
lives of other motorists.

Here they come now.

[sirens blaring]

- Nice rack, baby.

- Nice rack indeed! [laughs]

- I only watch for the pretty ethnic woman

with the nice t*ts.

- Looks like Percy's
going back to the joint!

- Yeah, I bet he gets at
least six months this time.

- Yep, six months.

[jazzy music]
- [Woman] Oh, yes!

Oh!

Oh, yes!

Oh, boy!

[tires screeching]

[suspenseful music]

- I ain't here.

[sirens blaring]

[door crashes open]

[suspenseful music]

- [Percy] Son of a b*tch.
[blows landing]

Oof!

Ow!

Ow!

- We told him you wasn't here, Percy!

- Well, they must've seen ya, Pal!

- Lay off, you stupid b*stards,

you're gonna bust my smokes.

- Not unless you keep 'em in your hand!

- Nice shot, Kevvy!

[they laugh]

- Hey, that'd be a real
sweet idea for our next film.

It could happen in a prison,
only instead of us being sent

to a guy prison, there
could be a clerical error

and we could be sent to a woman's prison.

- Sweet, baby, sweet!

[jazzy music]

- Because of prison overcrowding,

we are having, uh, I mean,
are going to have ...

We are going to have to
put two other prisoners

in your cell.

- But there are only two beds.

That means we'll have to sleep together.

- Quit complaining, or
you'll end up in the hole.

- That's exactly what I was thinking.

[music crescendos]

- So, baby, what's your name?

- Time.

- I think we're onto something.

[upbeat music]
[crashing]

- Work it, boy.

Way to stick it to the man, boy!

- [Narrator] Having an imaginary goose

living in your head was bad enough.

But there was no way

Kevin was going to put up
with having the old man

in there as well.
[blows landing]

- Get in here, stupid.

Now how's about you finding that alcohol

you promised me?

Nobody likes people who
don't keep their promises.

Keeping your promises is the only way

you're ever going to get a real friend.

Of all the stupid heads to live in.

[fairground music]

[prize-winning ding]

[somber music]

- How's about this?

You and me are tour guides
for a dinosaur exhibit.

[jazzy music]

- This here's a dinosaur.

They roamed the earth
hundreds of years ago.

- If any of you ladies is hot,

I got no problem you
takin' the blouse off.

- Wow, look at the size of the bone.

- Yes, and look at the size
of that dinosaur skeleton too.

♪ Oh, baby ♪

- Sweet, baby, sweet!

[jazzy music]

- You 18, kid?

That's not right.

But listen, if the cops come in,

walk away from the beer

and pretend it ain't yours.

[ba*ls rolling across pool table]

- Six months, eh?

Yeah, I'll definitely
be givin' her a call.

Thanks for the tip, Marty.

- Give me another one, will ya?

Thanks.

Who's the kid?

- I dunno.

He's been coming in a lot lately.

Says he's 18, but I dunno.

- He's got a Sledgehammer break.

- Yeah, but no finesse.

If someone could teach him
how to play the game proper,

he'd have a hell of a
career ahead of himself.

Big money.

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

- Only if you thinkin' about p*ssy.

- I'm thinkin' about taking
the kid under my wing.

Teaching him the game,

maybe taking him on the road with me.

Work the pool rooms, tournaments,
hustling the hustlers.

That there kid is my gravy train.

All's I gotta do is exploit him.

[they laugh]

- Hit it!

[water blasts]
[men groan]

Go easy on the family
jewels, you effin' pig!

Ooh!

Oof!
[thuds]

- You ain't never gonna
learn, are you, Spencer?

- Kiss my effin' a*s, you son of a b*tch!

[blow lands]
[Percy screams]

- Nice shot!

- [Presenter] Tonight on Fox TV,

from the producers of World's
Funniest Camping Accidents

and the people who brought you

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Hijinx in the Autopsy Room,

it's a half-hour of
gut-wrenching laughter,

shocking scenes of mayhem, death, and sex.

Tune in for When Strippers Go Nuts!

[g*nshots]

With your host, Carrot Top.

- Oh, better set the VCR.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey, Anastasia.

I just came by to tell you
how sorry I was about Percy.

I guess he's gonna be in
jail for a while, huh?

- [Anastasia] Jesus, you
guys don't waste no time.

Percy ain't even been arraigned yet.

- You like money, kid?

Yeah, that's right.

Everybody likes money.

And I got a sure-fire way
for you to make yourself

a nice bit of pocket change, son.

You interested?

- Careful there, lunatic.

Remember what your old man
told you about stranger men

that offer you money?

- How much?

- Well, maybe that's not the best example.

You do whatever the hell you want, boy.

Allen's busy.

- Perfect.

Starting tomorrow, I'll meet
you here at 9 in the morning

for practice, seven days a week,

six hours a day.

I'm only thinking of what's best for you.

Now, finish your beer and
go home and get some rest.

- [Guard] Stand up and
introduce yourself, Spencer!

This here's Eustace T. Burrell.

Since you and him are
both awaiting arraignment,

we figured you'd have something
in common to talk about.

He's awaiting extradition
back to the United States

to stand trial for k*lling nine people.

- k*lling and eating them.

- I'm sure you two are gonna get along

just like old friends! [laughs]

I got 20 bucks says he kills Spencer

within the next 24 hours.

- No way, that's a sucker's
bet if I ever heard one.

- You want fries with that, Eustace?

[they laugh]

- Are you gonna k*ll me?

- I think so, but not right
now because I'm tired.

- You gonna eat me too?

- Probably.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

[honks horn]

[chewing quietly]

[horn honking loudly]

- Where the hell are you going, boy?

- [Narrator] Kevin told his
mum he was quitting school

so he could hang out in a
pool hall with a strange man

who promised to take him on trips

where he could make lots of money.

- Okay, don't forget to say
goodbye to your daddies.

[pleasant music]

- See you, boy!

- Give 'em hell, slugger!

[shuffling]

[jazzy music]

[horn blaring]

- How 'bout this?

You and me are a couple of swinging,

globe-trotting Formula 1 race car drivers.

And our pit crew is all ladies.

[jazzy music]

[engine revving]

- Why does it take ya so long
to put the gas in the car?

- Oh, I'm having a little
trouble getting the nozzle

in the hole.

- Why don't you let me show you

how to put the nozzle in the hole?

- That's gold, baby.

Pure gold.

[gavel bangs]

- In the matter of the
Crown versus the defendant,

Percy Spencer, the charges
are grand theft auto,

driving without a license,
driving while under the influence

of several controlled substances,

resisting arrest,
vandalism, and destruction

of public property.

How does the defendant plead?

- Guilty!

But with extenuating circumstances.

- I ain't responsible on account
of not being of sound mind.

- Am I to understand
you wish to enter a plea

of not guilty by reason of mental defect?

- What's that mean?

- She thinks you're crazy.

- Up yours, prick, I ain't nuts!

- I thought you just said
you weren't of sound mind?

- I just meant that I weren't able

to make no proper decisions

on account of being so loaded

so's I shouldn't be held responsible.

- Intoxication is not a defense.

- What's that mean?

- You can't get away with it
just because you were drunk.

- Then I plead not guilty.

- You already pleaded guilty.

- Yeah, but I wasn't of
sound mind because I'm drunk.

- I just told you that's
not going to work.

- Shut up, as*h*le, you're fired!

- Let me guess.

You're going to represent
yourself at trial?

- You got that right.

- Fine. We'll set a date.

- I'd like to make a
motion that I be released

on my own recognition.

[scattered laughter]

- Quit being a moron.

- That's slander, you prick!

One more crack like that,

you'll be seeing me in a court room!

- We are in a court room, idiot.

- Well, yeah, but--

Why don't you just go f*ck yourself, then?

[pleasant music]

- All right, boy,

here's how it works.

You go in first, get a table by yourself,

and start playing.

Lay back, though,

don't show them how good you are.

Let the heavy betters
in the room come to you.

I want you to lose the first
few games, but keep it close.

I'll come in later acting
like some loudmouth drunk.

I'll take the bets on the game.

Throw the first two
games I take action on.

Then I'll start throwing
around enough money

to get the big players in
the room in on the action.

You take game three,

but let whoever you're playing stay close.

Nothing fancy and no Sledgehammer breaks.

Show them your game too early,

no one's gonna take any action on you.

Got it?

Okay, now get going.

I'll see you later.

[jazzy music]

- Say, kid, you interested in
playing for a bit of money,

just to keep things interesting?

You ain't much of a talker, are you, kid?

Strong, silent type, huh?

That's okay.

How's 20 bucks a game sound?

[man hacks and coughs]

Tell you what, son.

I'll even spot you the break.

[they laugh]

Jesus H. Christ, boy.

Get over here.

You just gonna let them son
of a b*tches laugh it up?

I know about the plan, idiot.

I live in your head.

But you better hope it works out

or your good old imaginary friend

is gonna learn you a thing or two.

- Tough break, kid.

Yeah, that's how it goes, all right.

Some days you just can't catch a break.

We all have days like that, boy.

You just gotta play through it.

I call all of them in this pocket.

- Yeah, that's a tough shot.

The L stands for loser.

Gimme my 20 bucks.

You wanna go again, sucker?

I mean, friend?

- What can I get ya?

- Beer.

What's goin' on over there?

- Heh, Fat Tony finally found someone

stupid enough to play him!

- Fat Tony?

I didn't think he was around anymore.

- He took a break from the pro circuit

to visit his old stompin' grounds.

I just watch him 40 tables in a row.

He never missed a shot.

Whatever money that kid's got,

he ain't gonna have for long.

- Ah, sh*t!

[gavel bangs]

- Do you swear to tell the
truth, so help you god?

- All right.

- It's your witness, Mr. Nelson.

- Mr. Plunt, on the night in question,

did you have occasion
to run into Mr. Spencer

at the Cameltoe Inn?

- Yep, Percy came running in
looking for a place to hide.

- Did he happen to say anything to you?

- Yeah.

He said, uh, don't let the cops find me

because I'm guilty of the
crime they're charging me with

and I don't wanna go back to jail.

Oh, and uh, he also
said he had no remorse.

- You g*dd*mn liar, Plunt!

I'm gonna kick your a*s.

- I take it you object, Mr. Spencer.

- Damn straight, I do.

- On what grounds?

- On the grounds that Plunt's just lying

so he can bang my wife
more than he already does!

- Well, I never!

- The hell you don't, fatty!

I'm gonna kick your a*s, Plunt!

- Order, order!

One more outburst like that, Mr. Spencer,

and I will have you removed
from this courtroom.

- No more questions, Your Honor.

- I presume you want to
cross-examine, Mr. Spencer?

- Isn't it in fact true

that on the night when I
come running into the bar

to hide from the cops,
that you didn't see me

on account of you was in the back room

sellin' heroin and having
sex with underage girls?

- No, I was, uh, sitting at
the bar talking to Marty.

- Oh, and I suppose this Marty
guy can back you up on that?

- Yes.

- Oh.

- Do you have any other
questions, Mr. Spencer?

- Yeah, I got another question.

Tell me, Mr. Plunt.

How do you feel about a punt
right in the g*dd*mn head,

you lyin' son of a b*tch?

[thud]
- Hi, Percy.

- Hey, Eustace, how's it going?

- Not bad.

How 'bout you?

- Pricks gave me six months

and suspended my driver's
license for life.

[suspenseful music]

- I'm hungry.

- Uh-oh.

- You seem like a nice guy and all

but my demons is telling
me I gotta eat ya.

And when the demons talk to
Eustace, Eustace listens.

[lighter clicks]

Would you mind not smoking?

I don't wanna get cancer.

- Well, then, Eustace.

You don't wanna be eatin' me.

Let me tell you about my lungs.

- Ah!

Oof!

[thuds]

- So long, suckers!

Don't come back until
you get some more money.

[hacks and coughs]

- Them's the breaks, kid.

For all the guys to run
into your first time out.

Fat Tony.

Wouldn't have believed it
if I didn't see it myself.

Don't sweat it, kid.

I still got plenty of dough.

You got a great future ahead
of you as a pool hustler,

and I've got plenty of
money left to bankroll you.

[blows landing]

[jazzy music]

- That was some good thinkin', boy.

I don't know why I ever doubted you.

Now how's about you and I
gettin' some booze and wh*res?

[laughs]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His dad don't like him, never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his back ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪