01x06 - The Golden Days of Youth

[bunniefuu]

[light instrumental music]

[wheel clicking]

Step right up, come one, come all!

Everyone's a winner!

Ah, what a beautiful morning.

Dew glistening on the
dumpsters as the smell

Stupendous.

Kevin, I've been thinking
of your brief marriage

to the prost*tute when you were 16

as well as the relationship you had

with your mother growing up.

I think that if we further explore

the root of your discomfort

and awkwardness in dealing with women

we might better be able to steer you

down the road of self recovery.

[biting and chomping]

Ow, bad thing Kevin, bad thing!

Don't make me call the guards!

Narrator: Kevin backed off

because lately the guards
have been using mace,

the old-fashioned kind.

Okay Kevin, can you tell me

a little about some of your
initial experience with girls?

Narrator: Kevin was 13 years old

and he'd just been invited
to his first birthday party.

There were going to be some girls there

and he was pretty nervous.

He'd overheard some kids at school

who said it was going
to be a makeout party.

Kevin wasn't sure what making out was

so he figured he'd better
ask his mom and dad

before he went so he
wouldn't look like a moron

in front of all the other kids.

[g*n firing]

Kevin waited until his dad had to reload

before he asked him how to make out.

Kevin's dad wasn't sure what to say.

This was the first of the boys
formative life experiences

that he hadn't slept through.

He decided to give Kevin
the love and guidance

of his years of experience.

First, you go downtown
and pick a hooker,

then you do it.

But make sure you do it before you pay,

otherwise she'll just call her pimp

and have him work you over
a bit and rip you off.

That's how your uncle Bill
got the big scar on his head.

Narrator: Kevin
asked what you should do

if the girl you were gonna make out with

wasn't a prost*tute.

Helps to get her loaded.

Just don't pick a girl who holds her booze

like your old lady,

otherwise it'll end up costing
away more than a hooker.

And since most hookers is better
looking, that's a bum deal.

Narrator: Kevin asked his
dad if he'd ever been in love.

I think I loved your old lady once,

whenever I heard that sloshing
sound when she danced.

It brought a lump to my throat.

Narrator: The lump
Percy was talking about

was when his mum socked
him a real sweet one

in the larynx for sniffing
her with the bar tab.

Kevin thought that maybe his mom

might have better advice about girls,

but he didn't know where she was

and had to wait for his dad
to empty his clip to ask.

She's passed out in
the back seat of the car.

I'm surprised she ain't woke up yet.

Let me pump a few rounds
in to shake her out of it.

Where the Christ am I?

How's about making mama some dinner too?

Thanks boy.

Narrator: Mom had slept off
most of her afternoon booze

and hadn't really gotten
started on her evening booze.

So she was still pretty sober.

Mommy just drinks cause it
helps her forget her family.

Narrator: Kevin figured
now was as good a time as any

to ask her how to make out
with a girl and be romantic.

[doorbell ringing]

Woman: Who is it?

Special delivery.

I really like the flower arrangement,

but I'd love to check
out your gift basket.

Narrator: Kevin asked his mother

what this had to do with romance.

Didn't you see him
give her the flowers?

And look, he's helping her
stand on the rocking chair.

Narrator: Then he asked his mother

what she considered romantic.

Me, I like to get real
tanked up and close my eyes

and pretend it's not your father

cause he's not very good at it.

I think of someone sexier.

Narrator: Kevin thought that mom

was jumping the g*n a little

because she was talking
about going all the way,

so he asked her how he
should act on a first date.

I pretty much gone all the
way on every date I ever had,

even sometimes when it wasn't a date.

You know, like when you want something

you ain't got money for.

But don't go too quick

and put a coat down so you
don't wreck the car seats.

Narrator: Kevin was pretty sure

that what his mom and dad
were telling him was wrong,

so he figured he'd just wing
it and use common sense.

It never occurred to Kevin
that if he had any common sense

he never would have
bothered asking his parents

about sex in the first place.

Kevin's stomach was full of
butterflies and cough syrup.

He was hoping the cough syrup

would make him more confident,

but it didn't seem to be working.

So he switched to rye and had a few smokes

just to take the edge off.

All the other kids going to the party

looked really cool and popular.

[knocking on door]

Hi, you must be one of David's friends.

All the other kids are
down in the rec room.

Narrator: David's dad was real nice

because he was a recovering
cross addicted substance ab*ser

who acknowledged a higher power

and accepted life's obstacles.

This is a no smoking
house you little freak.

Narrator: Kevin didn't
much like David's mom.

He figured she could benefit
from a good kick in the a*s.

Tell her to kiss your a*s boy.

Narrator: Kevin decided
he'd shake their hands

and act polite instead

so they wouldn't think
he was an ignorant idiot.

Kevin really wanted to
make a good impression,

but he must have been a whole
lot drunker than he thought

because when he stuck out
his hand he just kept going

and fell right off the porch.

[upbeat instrumental music]

All the kids sure looked like
they were having fun dancing.

Kevin really wanted to join in,

but he was pretty sure that
things wouldn't work out

the way they did in his head,

so he just stood in the corner drinking.

That was the kind of thing

that made a lot of sense to Kevin.

Kevin didn't like to do a lot
of things without smoking,

especially drinking,

so he figured he'd sneak
into the laundry room

and have a few.

When Kevin came back out,
the music had stopped

and everyone was sitting in
a circle around a bottle.

When Kevin asked how you
played, all the girls giggled

and some of them pointed at him.

Kevin figured he'd better
laugh along with them,

so they wouldn't think
he was mentally Ret*rded.

All you do is spin the bottle.

When it stops spinning

you have to kiss whoever it's pointing at.

Narrator: Kevin hoped his spin

didn't point at Marty Graham

mostly because he didn't
have a real good handle

on the rules of the game.

Marty secretly wished Kevin

would spin the bottle towards him,

mostly for reasons he
wouldn't come to terms with

until his late 20s.

Slip her the tongue Spencer.

I'd puke for sure.

Narrator: Kevin thought his first kiss

had gone pretty well.

It was his turn to spin the bottle,

but before he could--

From now on,

the two people have to
go in the closet together

for five whole minutes.

Narrator: Kevin didn't like closets

because he had to sleep
in one for five years

when he was a kid

because his parents
had rented out his room

to some prostit*tes.

But he figured he'd smile and nod his head

so all his new friends
wouldn't think he wasn't cool.

Kevin remembered what David's mom had said

and he was pretty nervous.

He didn't know how to make the first move.

If you try and french
kiss me, I'm gonna scream.

Narrator: Kevin took a
good luck drag off his smoke

and went for it.

He kissed her right on the mouth.

Then something strange
happened in his pants

and he got really scared.

Kevin wasn't sure what to do,

so he ran out of the closet right quick.

Spencer's afraid of girls.

I bet he's never even
kissed a girl before.

He likes boys I think.

Kevin is a boy liker,
Kevin is a boy liker.

Narrator: All the kids
joined in and made fun of Kevin.

Then David told him that they'd
only invited him as a prank.

Kevin was pretty cheesed off.

He didn't much like being made
fun of in front of the girl

he loved and was going to marry.

David told Kevin to drag
his sorry loser a*s home.

The walk up the stairs was the
longest walk of Kevin's life.

Learn them son of a
b*tches some manners boy.

You ain't gotta take that.

Narrator: Kevin thought
Alan made pretty good sense.

So before he left, he stole 80 dollars

from the dresser drawer
in David's parents bedroom

and he took all the frozen
meat out of the freezer

and set the kitchen curtains on fire.

Considering he'd already
spiked the party punch

with his cough syrup,

he figured that outta
straighten things out.

That's good effing meat boy.

Too bad you ain't never
been that good a provider.

Put a lid on it porky.

Shut your g*dd*mn
face you stupid b*stard.

Kiss my a*s you ugly slob.

Narrator: Mr. Franklin
and Warden Rifkin

thought it would do Kevin
some good to learn a trade.

Kevin didn't figure it
made a whole lot of sense

since he was doing life

and because if he ever did get out

he was pretty sure no one
would give him a job anyway

because he was an alcoholic sociopath

who liked to steal things.

All the prison officials were worried

because they didn't want
Kevin doing anything

that involved tools or machinery.

They all learned the hard way

to keep sharp things and blunt instruments

out of Kevin's reach.

About the only job that left for Kevin

was working as the prison librarian.

That ain't no job for a man.

[laughing]

I hear your boy's
working in the library.

He ate fruity.

You find most your librarians is women.

You'd best think about
straightening out your boy Percy.

Narrator: Percy tried to
defend his son as best he could,

but the only book had ever seen

is the one the police threw at him

before locking his White Tr*sh a*s away.

Uncle Phil was doing time
for robbing the orphans fund

and even he figured Kevin

was giving the Spencer's a bad name.

He ain't never had no girlfriend,

so it might just be that he is.

His head's just broke is all.

He don't know no better.

It's your job to teach him.

Keep your effing nose

the hell out of my family business.

Punch him in the face Percy.

Jesus, I think he's dead.

Let's get out of here.

Narrator: Kevin
thought being a librarian

was a pretty easy job,

especially since he didn't give a damn

about putting books back
where they were supposed to go

or keeping track of who took a book out.

And besides, Kevin had
decided that reading

would be his new favorite hobby,

at least for a while.

Remember your life garden Kevin?

Let's continue planting the happy seeds.

Narrator: The only
happy seeds Kevin new

were the ones the guards found

in uncle Mike's ashtrays while
crossing the Mexican border.

I'd like to talk
about your mother today.

She seemed to be the yin
and yang personality,

one moment cold and uncaring,

the next moment overcome
with mothering instinct

and emotion spurned by guilt.

Now, are there any particular instances

where her desire to be a good mother

had a negative impact on your head?

Hey, what month is it anyway?

I'm wearing my yellow
jockey, so it must be August.

You don't own yellow jockeys.

I do now.

The boys got school coming.

Great, when he's gone

we can have the nooners in the kitchen

just like the old days.

Come here baby, come and see mama.

Bring me that bottle on your way.

You and me, we're gonna have
a family mother and son day.

I'm gonna take the boy
to get school clothes.

I ain't got no money for clothes.

Mama won bingo last night.

We're sitting sweet baby.

Then bring home some
takeout and smokes.

Don't look at nothing
that ain't on the sales rack

cause you ain't getting it.

Nah, too parole officerish.

Nah, looks like you fowled
your pants or something.

Oh god no, that's way too fruity.

Jesus lord, you look like a little freak.

Hey everybody, look how dumb my boy looks.

Narrator: Kevin
didn't much like shopping

for school clothes.

He liked it even less

when a bunch of his classmates
walked in and saw him.

Everyone pointed and laughed.

Kevin thought that was unfair,

so he took one of the
kids from school aside

and explained how he felt to him.

Kevin was pretty sure none of the kids

would ever laugh at him again.

Oh yeah, he'll wear it home.

Wait till the old man sees this.

He'll piss himself laughing.

Come on, boy.

Hey, look at my boys
clothes, funny ain't they?

Narrator: Kevin had
hoped Allen would step in

and help him out,

but his imaginary friend
wasn't of much use.

[laughing]

Don't he look dumb?

Sing us a song Shirley Temple.

Hey, you forgot the
take out and smokes.

I ain't your sl*ve you dumb slob.

Up yours cow.

My head.

[gentle relaxing music]

Ain't nothing wrong with my head.

I sense a great deal
of hostility towards me.

Is it because you view me as the enemy

or perhaps because you feel a
little frightened by doctors

and the assumed authority of the position

and somehow feel threatened,
which creates a fear,

which in turn manifests itself

in outward verbalizations of hostility.

Narrator: Kevin's dad didn't know

what the hell Mr. Franklin
was talking about.

But just in case it was
a threat or a come on,

the old man figured he'd drift him

a real sweet one in the
neck with his coffee cup

just to make sure.

The apple sure doesn't fall
far from the tree now does it?

I thought you was gettin fruity on me.

No, I mean your son's
violent reflexive responses

to authority are similar to yours.

Apples give me diarrhea.

I'd like to discuss your own fears

and the impact they had on Kevin.

Narrator: Percy knew
he was a bad parent

and didn't wanna talk
about it with Mr. Franklin.

Once he played hide and seek with Kevin

and while the boy was counting,

he packed up and moved 300 miles away.

I would also like you to stop

burning holes in my couch
with your cigarette.

And now, about your
fears of Kevin growing up

as you put it, fruity.

Narrator: Kevin's dad was
worried his boy might go fruity

because the old lady kept taking him

to the mall clothes shopping

so he decided to take the boy
away from drinking and smoking

in front of the TV and instill
some manly virtues in him

by teaching him how to
drink and smoke by a lake.

The first rule of fishing

is always push the car down the block

before you start it so
your lard-a*s little lady

don't wake up and make you
for cleaning out her purse.

Okay boy, go through all the
garages that ain't locked

until you find us some fishing poles.

Don't be shy about taking
booze if you find any.

Daddy will wait here.

Go boy go!

[upbeat instrumental music]

Narrator: Finally Kevin found something

he was sure the old
man would like, a boat.

Good eye finding this boat boy.

God's ash tray.

Hump this cooler down to the lake

then go find some damn worms.

I gotta take a leak.

This ain't working worth crap.

You wait here boy, I got an idea.

Why don't you drink faster,

so you and me can take a little fun ride

in your fractured head.

Narrator: Kevin figured that would be

a whole lot more fun than fishing,

so he banged back a few quick ones of gin

and threw in some cough syrup

just to smooth out the edges.

Kevin figured that outta
straighten things out.

Jesus boy, you really got into it.

Lucky for you you didn't
touch Daddy's rye.

Here, grab a stick.

You and me's gonna learn
them son of a b*tch fish

a thing or two about sportsmanship.

Haul that boat in the water.

Whew!

Give her boy.

Narrator: Kevin's dad was so stewed,

he stood up in the boat,

dropped a lit stick of dynamite

and fell a*s over elbow into the water.

Kevin's dad flew almost 100 feet

before he landed in a tree.

Unfortunately, the tree
was already burning

from a brush fire
started by Percy's smoke,

so it toppled over sending
him through the roof

of the nearby hillbilly shack

where he was beaten and
sodomized for hours.

That was the kind of thing
that would have upset most men,

but because Percy had
been in and out of prison

so many times, it was pretty
much business as usual.

A few hours later, Kevin found
his dad in a nearby ditch.

That's what fishing's all about boy.

Come on, let's you and me find something

more fun to explode.

Now.

Take the wheel Kev, I
got the blowin up to do.

Hard left boy, don't throw no booze.

Sweet.

Oh dear.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪