01x05 - Family Values

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

[zapping]

[lighter clicking]

[screaming]

♪ Kevin Spencer

♪ Something's wrong
with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer

♪ His head don't work

♪ It never did

♪ Kevin Spencer

♪ You better not
cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath

- [Narrator] Kevin
wasn't allowed to smoke

in Mr. Franklin's office anymore

because he kept burning
holes in the couch

and trying to set
the room on fire.

- Call me curious, Kevin.

- [Narrator] Kevin decided
to call him something else.

Mr. Franklin didn't
like being called names,

but he let it go

because he didn't like
getting hit a whole lot more.

[dramatic cartoon music]

[warping sound]

- 'At a boy, Kevin.

Wreck the couch.

[warping sound]

- Were there any experiences
in your childhood

that made you glad
to be Kevin Spencer?

[birds chirping]

[dramatic cartoon music]

- [Narrator] Kevin's mom and
dad threw a surprise party

for his 15th birthday.

The biggest surprise

was that Kevin had already
been 15 for seven months,

but because he'd been locked
up in juvenile detention,

they said it was the first time
they could all get together.

Kevin had written his
parents from solitary,

asking for some
gloves and a crossbow.

But instead, they decided
to give him nothing

because they'd spent
all their money

on Richie Starr's
motivational video tapes.

The tapes worked because
Percy was so motivated,

he drank, smoked and
weighed almost three times

as much as he did since the
last time Kevin had seen him.

[snoring]

[laughing]

- Happy birthday, boy.

Have one of Daddy's smokes.

Oh, wait.

It's my last one.

Never mind.

Catch you next year.

- You can have first sip, Kevin.

[woeful music]

- [Narrator] Kevin's dad gave
him all the birthday cards

he'd received from relatives.

- We opened 'em all, but
there weren't no money.

Honest.

- [Narrator] Kevin
was pretty unhappy,

but then he got to thinking

that no matter what they
got him for his birthday,

he would've pawned it to buy
smokes and cough syrup anyway.

So this just cut
out the middleman.

[upbeat piano music]

- [Kevin's Mom] Momma
wants to dance, boy.

Jesus H, sugarplum.

You're the apple of
my damn eye, you are.

Tell Mommy you love her.

Come on, Kevin sweetie,

tell Momma.

[thump]

[burp]

[snoring]

- She holds her booze
worse than her mother.

Come on, boy.

Let's me and yous paint this
son of a b*tch town red.

You gotta drive on
account of my suspension.

[snoring]

- [Narrator] Before they left,

they stole all of
Mom's cigarettes

and the $17 she
had in her purse.

[rave party music]

Kevin was pretty excited.

He hadn't been out
drinking with his dad

for almost two years

because their jail
time never coincided.

[grunts]

- Up yours, you effin' a-hole.

- [Narrator] $17 sure
doesn't go too far.

Kevin wished his
parents had jobs

so they could've
afforded to drink more,

but that probably
wasn't gonna happen.

Not too many people
wanna hire ex-convicts.

Not many, except
for retirement homes

and some cruise lines.

Kevin figured they were gonna
have to call it a night.

- I got an idea, boy.

Let's you and me go
find a corner store

and steal all the
lottery tickets.

You get the car while I go
in and straighten things out

with that
no-good-jack-'em-son-of-a-b*tch
bouncer

what just excluded us.

[car engine roaring]

[glass breaking]

[thump]

Hit it, boy.

[car tires screeching]

Gimme two cartons of smokes,

some cough syrup.

What kind you like, boy?

Some porno magazines,

don't matter which ones,

and a lottery ticket.

[dramatic cartoon music]

[door swinging]

[scratching]

[g*nf*re rattling]

[b*ll*ts ricocheting]

You can't aim worth a damn, boy.

Here, you scratch some while
I show you how it's done.

[g*nf*re rattling]

Here,

see if you can't flatten
the b*stard's tires.

I got some scratchin' to do.

[g*nf*re rattling]

[b*ll*ts ricocheting]

Jesus H, I'm a millionaire!

[upbeat banjo music]

Gimme the g*n, boy.

[upbeat banjo music]

Yee-haw!

[g*nf*re rattling]

[b*ll*ts ricocheting]

Let's have that bottle.

I am to do some celebratin'.

[bubbling]

Don't tell your old lady
nothin' about the dough.

[upbeat banjo music]

- [Narrator] Soon Kevin's
dad was passed out

colder than a
trailer hitch enema.

The old man would be
asleep for a few hours,

so Kevin figured he'd
have plenty of time

to cash the ticket and stiff
the ignorant son of a b*tch

for his share.

After all, the
closest the old man

ever got to a million dollars,

was junk mail from Ed McMahon.

[upbeat piano music]

A million dollars sure
was a lot of money.

Kevin didn't wanna be
stupid and waste it all,

so he took almost a
whole week to spend it.

It was the nicest house
Kevin had ever been in,

even counting the
ones he'd robbed.

And he had enough money left
over to buy a Rolls Royce

and to fill the whole barn up
with cough syrup and smokes.

Kevin didn't tell his
parents where he was living

because they were
unemployed freeloaders.

Kevin figured from now on

people would like him

and he would fit in.

[woeful music]

[g*nf*re rattling]

Six months later,

Kevin was down to his last
bottle of cough syrup.

He had only half a pack
of cigarettes left.

So, instead of thinking
about getting a job,

he traded the house and the
car for a Texas mickey of rye

and three cartons of
menthol cigarettes.

- Pleasure doin'
business with you, son.

Now, get the hell off my land!

- [Narrator] Kevin
didn't much like

getting talked to like that,

so before he left, he
set the house on fire

and busted out all the
glass things on the car.

He figured that ought to
straighten things out.

Kevin figured his old man
would be plenty angry at him

for screwing him out
of a million dollars,

so he was pretty nervous
about going home.

- Hey, boy!

Get me a drink while you're up!

[woeful music]

- What's ya doin', Kev?

- [Narrator] Kevin breathed
a big sigh of relief.

Charlie only cama
around to see his mom

when the old man was in prison,

so Kevin figured he'd be alright
for a little while anyway.

- Oh.

[thump]

[upbeat piano music]

- [Narrator] Kevin's parents
wanted to get rid of him

for a few weeks,

so they sent him to the
cheapest summer camp

they could find.

- Welcome to two
weeks of hell, losers.

This here is Nurse Jenkins.

If you get her,
try and find her.

The cabins are over there.

And this here is Karen
something or other.

She's another councilor
working on some

dorky co-op thing.

- Hiya g*ng!

I just know we're
gonna have tons of fun

and become really great friends.

[happy music]

- Yeah, whatever.

And there's four
boats by the water.

Two of them sink real easy.

I can't remember which two,

but that pretty much clears
itself up on its own.

And this here is my
girlfriend, Wendy.

We'll be in our cabin
most of the time

so leave us the hell alone!

Unless, of course,
someone's doin' somethin'

I can get sued over.

Now, go find somethin' to do!

[romantic music]

- Okay, troopers!

Let's put our stuff
away in the cabins

and then we'll
all meet back here

for arts and crafts!

[romantic music]

[fish plopping]

[duck quacking]

- [Narrator] Kevin's
parents had forgotten

to pack a bag for him,

so he figured he'd just hang
around and have a few smokes

until the other kids got back.

[splash]

[distressed ducks quacking]

Kevin sat under a big
tree and watched Karen.

Kevin was kinda scared
all alone at camp,

but then something
occurred to him.

No one at the camp knew Kevin.

So he figured if
he behaved himself

and tried really
hard to be friendly,

then he would fit in and
people would like him.

- You guys are all so talented!

Hey, Billy, what are you making?

- It's a wallet

to keep my allowance money in.

I'm saving up for college!

[kids applause]

- How 'bout you, Amber?

What are you making?

- I made this purse.

I'm gonna send it to my mom.

[kids applause]

- She's gonna love it!

You must have a great mom,

'cause she raised a great kid!

Hey, Kevin.

What are you working on there?

[dramatic piano music]

- [Narrator] Kevin stood
up and showed everyone

the holster he was making.

He told them it was
for the g*n he'd stolen

from his neighbor's house.

- Oh!

oh, I know.

Let's pray for lunch.

Everyone, go wash up.

Kevin, can I talk
to you for a minute?

[sad piano music]

So, you see, Kevin?

That's why the other
kids were put off.

g*ns scare them.

So do people who have g*ns.

Now, I know you
wanna make friends

and have a good time.

So, why don't we
clean the slate.

Starting right after lunch,

we'll begin to try and
make the other kids

less afraid of you.

- Hey, lunatic.

Why don't you kiss her?

- [Narrator] Kevin was
about to kiss Karen

when some of the
other kids showed up.

Kevin wasn't too
happy about that

and he really wanted
to hit someone,

but he didn't want Karen to
think he was wrong in the head.

So Kevin figured he'd wait
until she wasn't looking.

Kevin got bored with waiting,

so he pointed to the woods
and screamed, "Bear!".

[screaming]

Everyone turned around to look.

The boy standing next to
Kevin never saw it coming.

- Kevin

the g*n kid punched
me in the head!

- [Narrator] Kevin
had some time to think

during his two hour timeout,

and he decided that what
he had done was wrong.

Next time, he'd go
ahead and hit the kid

without waiting for
Karen to turn around.

Because he figured he'd
get caught either way.

And the way Kevin
had things figured,

the sooner he got caught,

the sooner his
timeout would be over.

- That's good thinking, boy.

Now, let's smoke.

[lighters clicking]

[gentle piano music]

- [Narrator] They had a
big campfire that night

and everyone sang songs and
took turns telling jokes.

- Hey, Kevin.

Do you have a joke that
you'd like to tell?

- [Narrator] Kevin
was really scared.

He didn't like speaking
in front of other people,

but because he wanted
everyone to like him,

he decided he
would try his best.

Kevin stood up and told a joke

he'd overheard his
father telling uncle Mike

about how many lesbians it
took to change a light bulb.

That pretty much set the
tone for the rest of camp.

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

[splash]

[lighter clicking]

[fire crackling]

[fast-paced piano music]

[glass shattering]

[thump]

It was the night
before Parents' Day

and Kevin was alone in his cabin

because all the other kids
had moved to the other cabins

because they were
afraid to sleep

in the same room as Kevin.

That suited Kevin just fine,

because he was
getting pretty sick

of listening to them complain

about his smoking and drinking.

Kevin couldn't sleep,

so he decided to go
over to Karen's cabin

and see if she would
go steady with him.

He was having a hard
time getting in there,

because he was pretty
jimmied up on cough syrup

and kept falling down.

The last time he fell,

he rolled down a little hill

and ended up on the
beach, right beside Karen.

She was makin' out with Frankie.

Kevin told Frankie to get his
hands the hell off his girl.

Frankie and Karen just laughed.

Then Frankie told
him to take a hike

and called him a
useless little freak.

[laughing]

Kevin wandered
back to his cabin.

He was really sad because
he'd been sure Karen liked him

and it hurt a whole lot
finding out she didn't.

So Kevin set her cabin on fire.

He figured that ought to
straighten things out.

He was going to use the
fire to light a smoke,

but then he realized
he was all out.

[peaceful music]

[birds chirping]

It was Parents' Day

and Kevin was real jumpy
from nicotine withdrawal.

He hoped his parents
would get there soon,

so he can bum a
smoke from his mom.

By about noon, Kevin
was beginning to wonder

if his parents were gonna
bother coming at all.

He was pretty thirsty

and all the other
kids and their parents

pretty much left him alone.

Kevin was just about to give
up hope when a taxi pulled in.

- I got no money,

so eff off!

[car engine roaring]

- Where's my sugar?

Here, boy.

Come and see Momma.

Where's my boy, damn it?

- Jesus, look out!

He's into the smokes!

- You leave him be!

He's just a boy!

- Shut your trap, cow.

- Up yours, convict!

- You got a problem hearin',

I'll fix it for ya.

- The only problem I got

is I'm married to an
impotent son of a b*tch!

- You just crossed
the line, fatty.

[punch]

Ooh!

- Come on, boy.

Let's get some lunch.

Yeah, I didn't figure you'd
make too many friends.

They all look like a
bunch of knobs, anyhow.

So screw 'em.

[burping]

[farting]

What's the matter?

You never heard a lady pass gas?

Momma's gotta tinkle.

Go steal the nurse's car

and meet over by the outhouse.

I wants to get going so's
I don't miss Springer.

[farting]

[car engine roaring]

[tires screeching]

Ah, Jesus.

We forgot about your father.

[intense music]

[Momma laughs hysterically]

[tires screeching]

- Any of you
a-holes got a smoke?

[piano music]

- I was going through your
files again last night, Kevin.

And when I stumbled across
this marriage certificate,

I think your attempt at
establishing a nuclear family

of your own is
extremely relevant

in terms of our understanding
of the influence

your parents' marriage
had on your development.

I think it would aid our
efforts to fix your brain

if we dissect the
underlying issue

of your attempt
at holy matrimony.

What do ya think?

[dramatic music]

- [Narrator] Kevin
was 16 years old

and he'd just been released
from juvenile detention.

Kevin was really
happy to be free,

so he decided to celebrate

by getting bent out of
shape on cough syrup.

He didn't have
any money, though,

but he figured that's
what shoplifting is for.

It had taken Kevin almost seven
hours to violate his parole.

He was pretty proud of himself,

because that was
a record for him.

Kevin didn't much
feel like going home,

so he figured he'd wander
around downtown a little bit

and maybe break
into a store or two.

[glass shattering]

About halfway through filling
up a bag of new releases,

Kevin remembered that his
mom had pawned the VCR

to get a tattoo of David
Hasselhoff put on her a*s.

That meant that Kevin would
have to steal a VCR, too.

That sounded a whole
lot like work to him,

so Kevin figured he'd
just break into the store

anytime he wanted
to watch a movie.

[burping]

[loud chewing]

[trippy music]

[burping]

Maybe it was just the
cough syrup talking,

but Kevin sure liked the idea
of marrying a prost*tute.

So he figured he'd
clean out the till,

steal a car

and go find a hooker.

He'd heard that you could
get married in Mexico

without your parents' consent.

So, the way Kevin saw things,

it was pretty much
a perfect plan.

[warp sound]

- Hurry up, ya
broken-headed freak!

The cops are gonna be
lookin' for the car!

How 'bout her?

Hey, she pretty.

Come on, just pick one!

- [Narrator] Marriage
was a pretty big step

and Kevin didn't
want to rush things.

He was almost ready to
give up when he saw her.

- What ya in the
mood for, lover?

- [Narrator] Kevin told her he
wanted to take her to Mexico

and marry her.

The hooker wasn't too
big on getting hitched,

but Mexico sure sounded nice.

And she figured Kevin
was good for the cash,

because he'd been able to
afford such an expensive car.

As hookers go, she wasn't
one of the smarter ones.

[paced Mexican music]

[ratchet clanking]

[bubbling]

[paced Mexican music]

[car engine roaring]

[rhythmic guitar plucks]

- Hey, hey!

Get up!

Kevin!

Let's get some tequila

and go to the beach, man!

Hey, idiot boy!

Gimme some money!

Ain't you ever heard
of being a provider?

You dumb, unemployed
son of a b*tch!

[thump]

- [Narrator] Kevin didn't
have much money left

and he wasn't about to share it.

So he pretended to be asleep
for the next three hours,

until his wife got really
bored and angry and left.

That was okay by Kevin,

because married life
hadn't been much fun

since he'd come down
off the cough syrup.

[intense music]

[buzzing]

- Your old lady's at the beach

turning tricks for
drinks and smokes.

She took me for half a pack,
but I guess you knew that,

being omnipresent
and what have you.

I've been following you
since you got out of juvie

on account of you
being the Lord and all.

You wanna get some food?

- [Narrator] Kevin
hadn't expected to see

his multiple personality
psychotic best friend in Mexico,

but he was glad he was there.

There were a lot of scary
looking people around

and Kevin was nervous.

Besides, Pete always
had plenty of smokes.

[dramatic music]

- Sure, she's nice and all,

and good lookin' too.

Not saying that.

It's just that, well,

I figured you,
being who you are,

you could've gotten
just about any girl.

Hey, Pedro!

The Son of God wants
another margarita!

[tambourine jingling]

- [Narrator] Kevin was bored
just sitting around with Pete,

so he asked him for 50 bucks

and told him to go smite some
infidels for a few hours.

Kevin figured that ought
to straighten things out.

[punching]

It had been a long time
since Kevin's had his hands

on that kinda money,

so he decided to celebrate

by getting a big
tattoo on his back.

[doorbells chiming]

[piano music]

- Hey, [foreign language].

I put a naked lady on you.

Big breasts on her

with a sword and a unicorn,

just like a van.

How 'bout for you?

Kevin didn't like
any of the pictures.

He was about to leave

when he spotted a sign
on a telephone pole

outside of the tattoo parlor.

It was the toughest
and meanest looking dog

Kevin had ever seen,

and he figured people would
think he was really cool

and wanna hang out with him

if he had it
tattooed on his back.

[dramatic music]

By the time Kevin found out

that the man working
at the tattoo parlor

didn't understand
English real well,

it was too late.

Kevin wasn't too happy,

so he hit the man right
across the back of the head

with a chair and
knocked him out cold.

Then Kevin took
off the man's shirt

and tattooed, "I'm a big
dum f*g," on his stomach.

He figured that ought to
learn the ignorant prick

a thing or two.

[punching]

- Just a minute, boss.

[punching]

[Mexican music]

Thanks for letting
me smite them folks.

- [Narrator] Kevin had
had his fill of Mexico

and married life.

Things hadn't quite worked out

the way he thought they would.

So he decided that if
he ever got the chance,

he'd kick the sweet holy hell

out of the guy who
wrote Pretty Woman.

[slow Mexican music]

[dramatic music]

Slappy Bigalow had
violated his parole

and was back in prison.

He was Kevin's arch nemesis

because Kevin had
taken over control

of the prison's
black market trade,

by having Pete give the
b*stard a real good once over.

Slappy told everyone that he
was going to return the favor.

Normally, Kevin would've
just commanded Pete

to take care of it,

but Pete was in a
psychiatric ward

because he thought he was
a 1957 John Deere tractor.

Kevin figured it'd be best to
just stay out of Slappy's way

until Pete's medication
kicked in and he came back.

Slappy had other plans.

- [Slappy] That's the stupidest
tattoo I've ever seen!

- Run, you twisted
little psycho!

- [Narrator] Kevin took
off as fast as he could,

but he slipped on the
wet floor and fell back

and cracked his head.

Slappy wasn't too happy,

because he'd really been
looking forward to hitting Kevin

with a T-shirt
full of soap bars.

Then Slappy got to thinking,

just because Kevin was out cold,

there was no reason
he couldn't bust him

a few real stiff ones
across the head anyway,

just for kicks.

[intense music]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer

♪ Something's wrong
with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer

♪ His head don't
work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer

♪ You better not
cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath