02x04 - Sam and the b*llet Train/Swine Dining

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[g*nshots]

It's me, Yosemite Sam,

the greatest train robber
that ever lived.

And I'm here to rob
this fancy new train.

All righty, sir.
Have you got a ticket?

Get that dust
out of your ears, old timer.

Did you hear me say who I am?

I ain't ridin' this train,
I'm robbin' it.

Oh, not this train, fella.
This here is a b*llet train.

Too fast to rob.

There ain't a train that been
invented that I can't rob.

What time's it a-comin'?

Noon.

- High noon, perfect.
-[TRAIN BEEPS]

- So, where is it?
- It just went by.

"Just went by"?

I didn't see nothing.
[GROANS]

- That's the 12:01.
-[GROANS]

[BLUBBERING] 12:01?
What time's the next one?

-[TRAIN BEEPS]
- Ugh!

That's the 12:02.

-[TRAIN BEEPS]
-[GROANS]

- That's the 12:03.
- Ugh...

[BLUBBERING]

Are there any more?

- Nope.
- Phew!

-[GROANS]
-[TRAIN BEEPS]

Until the 12:04.

If you wanna go as fast
as a b*llet train,

you gotta be a b*llet.

[TRAIN BEEPS]

There she blows! Yee...

[LOUD BANG]

...haw.

[GRUNTS AND GROANS]

Why are folks
still advertising

on billy-boards
when you got the Internet?

- Gall darn it!
-[TRAIN BEEPS]

[MUMBLING]

This time everything's
gonna go...

[GROANS]

Consarn it!
[GRUNTS]

Hmm, no good helmet!

[TRAIN BEEPS]

Razzle-frazzle,
brick building, no-good...

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

Oh, you, consarn it!

-[SCREAMS]
-[TRAIN BEEPS]

Whoa! [GROANS]

Huh-uh.

It's not too late.
It's coming back.

Just gotta point the cannon
in the other direction.

Whoa! [GROANING]

You sure you don't wanna
just buy a ticket?

[GROANS]

[LAUGHS]

If I can't get onboard
this here train,

I'll blow it to smithereens.

-[TRAIN HALTS]
-[DYNAMITE TICKING]

Huh?

What the...

Oh, you no-good
razzle-frazzle...

[GROANS]

-[MUTTERS]
-[DYNAMITE EXPLODES]

No-good dynamite...

-[DYNAMITE EXPLODES]
-[GRUNTS AND GROANS]

[TRAIN BEEPS]

If at first you don't succeed,

try a rocket-powered
motorcycle.

[TRAIN BEEPS]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[BUTTON CLICKS]

[YOSEMITE SAM LAUGHS]

Here she comes now.

[SNIGGERING]

[TRAIN BEEPS]

The old ball and train gag.

[GROANS]

I did not see that...
Come on, now!

[GROANS]

I know what I'll do.
I'll jump on top of the
train.

This will require
impeccable timing.

One... two...

No! [GROANS]

No, no, no, no!
Ow!

[GROANING]

[TRAIN BEEPS]

[GROANING]

Ow, my biscuits!

[SIGHS] Okay,
that was a tad early.

This time,
I'll get it just right.

- Hu-ha!
-[TRAIN BEEPS]

Yosemite Sam
has done it... Ugh!

[GROGGILY] Tunnel.

[THUD]

[GROANS]

[TRAIN BEEPS]

What is happening?

-[TRAIN BEEPS]
-[GROANS]

Come on, come on!

[TRAIN BEEPS]

[GRUNTS AND GROANS]

[GROANS] Ooh!

All right,
I'll buy my ticket.

And then, I'mma rob it
from the inside.

Can you break a 100?

Nope.

Razzle-frazzle!
Lousy transportation
industry!

[YOSEMITE SAM COUGHS]

- BUGS: Ticket, please?
- Here.

Thank you very much, Doc.

[BLUBBERING] You?

You're the one
driving this train?

That's right, Doc.
Next time you wanna rob me,

I would train first.

Now, let me just stash
your belongings.

-[TRAIN BEEPS]
-[SCREAMS]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[STAMMERS]
Thanks for calling.

Porky Pig speaking.
How can I help you?

Oh, I'm extremely sorry.

We don't have any openings
until after the...

[STAMMERS] ...the 21st.

Yes, that's century.

MAN: Hey, Porky the Pig!

Yes, I'm coming!

[PANTING]

- Yes, sir.
- The menu is done.

Everything is perfecto!

The restaurant,
she opens in 30 minutes.

So I'm gonna go foraging
for mushrooms.

Keep your eyes peeled
for deliveries.

And don't
mess up the place, huh?

I'm just kidding you.

I know
you're a good little piggy.

[MENACINGLY]
Aren't you, Piggy?

Aren't you?

All right now, Porky.

No need to be nerv...
[STAMMERING]

Just calm down.

-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-[SQUEALS]

VOICE FROM BOX:
Help! Help! Let me out!
[WHIMPERS]

Gee, now that's fresh.

Thanks, pal.

I almost suffocated in there.

Oh, dear. We couldn't
have you suffocate

before we have you for dinner.

Now, that is what
I'm talking about, dinner!

Set me up, bub!

I'm starving.

Oh, you're not having dinner.
You are dinner, see?

But, they told me
I was heading

to a relaxing spa weekend

at an animal sanctuary
because I'm so special.

[STAMMERING] No, no, no.

Animal Sanctuary
is the name of the
restaurant.

- And you're the special.
- So that's how it is?

I gotta say,
that idea is all wet!

[CHEERS MANICALLY]

[STAMMERS] Come back!

You're the main course.

- Well, I say, "Nuts to
that!"
-[CHOKING]

How's about a little fiber
in your diet? Whoo-hoo!

[EXCLAIMING]

Greetings. Welcome
to Animal Sanctuary.

Hey! That podium is not a toy.

-[STAMMERS]
Get your own, Duck.
- This one's mine.

-[PANTS]
All right, now see here.
- Honk, honk.

[GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION]
Just gimme that!

Who's the pig I gotta grease
to get a table around here?

[STAMMERS]
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I'll seat you immediate...

[STAMMERING] ...promptly.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
I've been here 15 minutes,

and I have
yet to receive a menu.

Oh... [STAMMERS]
Sorry, ma'am.

Thank you.

Garcon!
There are flies in my soup.

My apologies, sir. I...

I ordered crickets,
and I didn't even order soup!

Listen here, buckaroo!
If you can't fill me up
soon,

I'm gonna fill you up
with lead.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[STAMMERS] In a moment, sir.

[ALL SPEAKING TOGETHER]

- Hey there, chuckles!
- Huh.

You look like a man
who eats alone.

I've got
the perfect spot for you.

Here we are.
Table for one.

And I assume
you won't be needing
this chair...

- or this table.
-[GRUNTS AND GROANS]

-[SHRIEKS] Ow!
- Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Welcome to the john, ham.

Would you care
for some talcum powder?

[INHALES SHARPLY]

-[COUGHS AND GRUNTS]
- Maybe some cologne.

Perhaps a mint.

[SCREAMS] Stop!
You're not the...

[STAMMERS] You're not
the bathroom attendant.

You're the duck
we're serving for dinner.

Tsk-tsk-tsk.

I have worked here
for eight years

and you don't even know me?

I guess to you,
all us ducks
look the same.

- Then, where did he go?
- I'd try door number one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Privacy, please!

[STAMMERS]
There's no time for privacy.

Where is the rest of him?

Well, now I'm just puzzled.

- You look a little flushed.
- Ah...

[EXCLAIMS]
It really was me.

[EXCLAIMS]

All right, you!
Time to get in the pan!

No, it's time for you
to get in the pan.

[EXCLAIMING]

Okay, folks.
There's 50 ways
to cook a pig.

You can bake it, broil it,
grill it, braise it,
pickle it, tickle it...

Do as you please with it.

My restaurant, it's trashed!

Porky, you're fired!

[STAMMERS] Fired?

[SOBBING]

Wait, you're the one
who wants to make me
for dinner?

But, of course,
it's called Animal Sanctuary.

It's a nice, quiet place
you can come and eat animals.

But now it is ruined!

Brother, you are
one hot-blooded chef.

You need to chill out.

Whoo-hoo!

Now, that's what I call
Italian ice.

Whoo-hoo!

What are we gonna do now?

What do you say
we open up

a vegetarian joint together?

[STAMMERS]
You got a... Shake on it.

Well, I guess,
that's all, folks.

- Hey, that's my line...
- Shh.