01x43 & 01x44 - Which Witch is Which?/Get Off My Lawnie

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

* *

This is my show!

* *

[upbeat music]

- Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

[giggles]
Hey, I lose my turn.

- Hooray.
- Whoa.

- Yes.

- Aw, barnacles.

Move three spaces ahead.

I never lose my turn.

- Aw.

look at the bright side,
Squidina.

At least it's not raining.

[thunder booming]

[gasps] A bat!

[together]
A bat!

- Oh, calm down, everybody.

You know what they say.

See a bat, kiss it twice,
always gets rid of head lice.

- Ugh. I hate poetry.

- I'll handle this.

Hey.

[all screaming]

- Get back.

- [gags]

- A scroll?

It says, "Agnes Steelhead
is coming to visit."

Who's Agnes Steelhead?

- My mother
and your grandmother.

[gasps]
Oh, but this house is a mess.

Oh, dear.

- Achoo!

- What's
Grandma Steelhead like?

- Well,
she's really good at criticism.

- She always brought me
weird gifts.

- Your grandma is a real
live Klopnadian witch.

But I don't think
she likes me very much.

"I'm Agnes.

"I've got magical powers
of transformation,

and I don't approve
of this non-magical husband."

Agnes!

- Mom.

- Grandma.

- Oh, where are
my darling ladies?

And Patrick, was it?

- Grandma!

- Ugh.

Hello, Cereal.

- Cecil.
- See-saw.

- Cecil.

- Sea snail.

- Cecil.

- This one talks
too much, Bunny.

When are you going to
get a warlock boyfriend?

- Mom, we've been married
for 30 years.

- Well, whatever.

I'm here to see my
precious granddaughter.

You're the daughter of a
seventh-generation witch,

you know?

- [gasps] I am?

- Now that you're
eight years old,

it's time to undergo the
family witch trials to test

you for magical powers.

- Oh!
Oh!

Oh!

Can you test us for
a magic too, Gwanny?

- Oh, I've got
a special test for you.

- Huh?
- Huh?

[dramatic music]

- Ehh!
- Ahh!

[both shouting]

Ooh.

- Mm-mm-mm.

both: Ooh.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.

- I don't think I have
magical powers yet.

When did you get yours, Mom?

- Well, I never got my powers.

I may not have lived up to
all of Mama's expectations,

but the greatest
magical spell of all

is keeping this house tidy.

- No, it isn't.

This is.

- [screams] No.

Not my cabinets.

Oh, my poor linoleum.

- Do you really think
I'm a witch, Grandma?

- One can only hope.

First, we'll test your
ability to cast fire spells.

You'll need a fire wand,
naturally.

- Wow.

My own wand.

Oh, thank you, Nana.

Can I call your Nana?

- No, no.

A real witch knows how
to use her wand

to focus her pyromancy.

Like so.

Ignite!

- Whew. Ooh.

Today's a real scorcher.

- Now it is your turn.

Try the mailbox.

- Ignite.

Uh...

Huh?
Ugh.

Ignite!
Ignite!

Ignite!

Ah.

Oh.

Oh, I'm not a witch, am I?

- You may need target
practice, dear.

You just missed.

- Missed?

- [screams]

- It was an ugly house anyway.

And now your next trial.

Trial number two.

You will brew
a transformation potion.

Let me show you how it works.

[whistles]

- [growling]

- [screaming]

Ow.

- Down the hatch, See-saw.

- [gulping]

Pthew!

Oh, peachy keen.

- Eww.

- Now you try.

- [whimpering]

[panting]

- OK.

Eye of newt.

Pimple of newt.

Twist of lemon.

And a-- huh?

My potion.

What's happening to my--

Patrick.

- [belches]
You should be proud, sis.

That was the best
tub soup I've ever had.

- Do you feel anything?

- Hmm.

I feel-- I feel--

- Yes?

- Hungry.

Hey, tiny dessert soup.

Ooh.

[inhales]
- Huh?

- Ahh.

[both cackling]

Delicious.

[both cackling]

- [cackling]

- Uh, will he be OK?

- Was he ever OK?

- Make way,
GrandPat's gotta go.

What the--

[all cackling]

Witchcraft is afoot.

Snap out of it, boy.

- Oh, thanks, GrandPat.

- No time.

We got a witch to catch.

[both cackling]

Wait here, Sonny.

I gotta change.

- Ohh. Ooh.

- [grunting]
- [gasps]

- Witchfindin' GrandPat
ready for a witch findin'.

- [laughs] You look old-timey.

- I am old-timey.

And witches like Agnes
are evil and must be vanquished

from the face of the Earth.

- Grandma Agnes is a witch?

- The broom test is next.

All witches can fly on a broom.

- I don't know, Nana.

Shouldn't I start small, like,
you know, with a feather

duster or something?

- I see you there, witch.

[screams]
- Ohh.

Nana, quick,
save my granddad.

- I'd rather not, but OK.

- [screams] Oh.

Whoa.

You'll regret saving me when
I'm through with you, witch.

- No.

You will.

- [screams]

Ow! Oh! Ah!

Doh!

- Thanks, gov'na.

- Nana, that wasn't magical;
it was just mean.

- Honey, when a man tries
to burn you at the stake,

it's OK to be mean.

- [grunting]

- Oh.

You win.

Now you get
to spill food on me.

- Oh, Patrick.

- Hiya, GrandPat.

Wow.

You got creamed.

- Dang it, boy.

Agnes is too powerful.

We gotta fight magic--
ahh!.

With magic.

[energetic music]

- Darling, do have an outlet
where I can charge my wand?

I could never find one that
works with Klopnadian plugs.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

introducing
the magician on a mission,

GrandPat the Magnificent.

[dramatic music]

- Oh!

Are you ready for some--

[coughs] magic?

- Huh.

That is not real magic.

- Oh, yeah?

Then what's this quarter
doing behind your ear?

Ooh.

- How did you do that?

- Gotcha.

- Yeah.

Presto, change-o,
bye-bye, witcho.

[laughs]

And that is how
you lose a witch.

- GrandPat.

- Oh, ah, oh, my.

This simply won't do.

- [coughs] Oh, yeah?

Well, watch me pull
a rabbit out of my hat.

Abra-cabarbara.

- [roars]

- Ugh.

- Ohh!

- Enough.

- Huh?

[mystical music]

- Oh my precious granddaughter
does have powers.

- [grunts]
- Huh?

- Grandma,
it was nice to meet you,

but it's time for you to go.

- Oh, oh.

I'll send you a check
for $5 on your birthday.

Ah, family.

Can't live with them,
can't burn them at the stake.

[laughs]

- Oh, Squidina's
magical after all?

- We have another witch
in the family.

- A witch?

- Nah, It's just movie magic.

Like this.

- Ooh.
[laughs]

- Ooh.

- Gosh.

It's amazing what you can do
with computers these days.

- Yeah, being a witch
might be cool and all,

but I realized I'm much happier
producing our television show,

like a normal kid.

- Aw.

You learned that lesson
in record time.

Oh.

And it's a full moon tonight.

- I may not be much
of a witch...

[grunting]

But I'm one heck of a werewolf.

[laughs]

[seals barking rhythmically]

- Oh, make it stop.

[indistinct chatter]

- It sounds like
angels singing.

[seals barking rhythmically]

- [groans]

What in the honk is going on?

- I don't know
if this was the best act

for our new
late-night segment.

- Patrick Star!

[seals barking rhythmically]

You are a menace.

I'm trying to sleep, and I've
had it with your stupid show.

- Oh, wait.
- Who's that?

That's a new character.

- This ain't no talk show;
it's a unnatural disaster.

[laughter]

I am closing the curtains
on this disgraceful act.

[grunting, panting]

Oh, she's hilarious.

- Stop laughing.

You're encouraging him.

[all cheering]

Why are you even
watching this drivel?

You people are sick.

- Ooh.
- She has a catchphrase.

- That's a catchy catchphrase.

- You people--

- Are sick.

- I don't have time for this.

I am out of here.

[grunts]

[laughter]

Huh? What the?

[growls]

Darn mayo.

- Encore.

En-- well, nothing worth
watching now that she's gone.

- Yeah.

- The thrill is gone.

- What just happened?

- I think we just
lost our audience.

- Hey, pal.

you're still going
to pay us, right?

[upbeat music]

- [snoring]

[alarm rings]
Ahh!

Ahh,
another beautiful morning...

for morons and maniacs.

[grumbling]

Ahh, at last.

- Hey, she's here. She's here.
- [grunting]

Back it up.
Get back.

- Oh, she's back.

- I love you, Granny Tentacles.

I'm a sicko.

- It's too early for this.

Get off of my lawn.

You people--

all: Are sick.

- Don't you interrupt me.

You people--

all: Are sick.

- You people are sick.

The nerve of these people.

Ahh.

All right, now, let's see
what's in the paper today,

besides lies.

[all giggling]

- Huh?

Who's there?

Hmm.

Eh, maybe my
hearing aid's acting up.

I don't know why I bother.

It's not like there's anyone
worth listening to anyway.

[all giggling]

- Huh?

Who's there?

Ahh!

Oh. Phew.

It's just some
of Squidward's art.

If that's what you
want to call it.

all: Whoo!

- We want more show.

- Oh, you want a show?

How about I show you
the way out?

This is getting ridiculous.

[babbling indistinctly]

Huh?

- Washing her face is a
metaphor for starting over.

- Ahh!

- Also,
it's blunt and derivative.

- Who are you
calling derivative?

Also, who are you people?

Ahh!

- Her character
is so hard to read.

I really like that.

- Phew.

This Granny Tentacles
merch is awesome.

How much for these dentures?

- [screams]

[together]
Ohh! Ohh!

- Sorry, but I've got to run...
over these idiots.

- I love you. Marry me.

[tries squealing]

- This show is so interactive.

- Whew.
Sheesh.

I finally lost those sickos.

Maybe a walk in the park
would relax me.

Yeah.

A nice relaxing walk.

- Oh, I love the park.

[metal crunching]

Nice parking.

- Oh, well, that's enough
walking for this old carcass.

All right,
my little clams, eat up.

Ahh.

Huh?

Do not feed the clams.

Hmph.

More like,
do not tell me what to do.

There, that's better.

- Oh, no she didn't.

- Huh?

- She's a rebel.

- Don't you people have lives?

- Oh my gosh.

Is that her new catchphrase?

- That's even better
than her old one.

I have no life.

[laughs]

- Oh, what am I saying?

Obviously, you people--

all: Don't have lives.

Whoo-hoo.

- Ugh.

You people need
a hobby that isn't me.

[panting]

Ahh.

I really lost them this time.

- Pardon me, ma'am.

Could I have your signature?

- What for?

Hey, wait a minute.

Aren't you the bus driver?

- Yeah.

But more importantly, I'm
the president of the Granny

Tentacles fan club.

We call ourselves Fantacles.

- What are you talking about?

What fan club?

- That one.

- Oh, no.

- Oh.

What a dramatic
third act twist.

- Oh, this is obviously
still act two.

- [screams]

- Granny Tentacles hurled me.

- I hope you don't suffer
from separation anxiety.

[laughs]

Whew.

all: Oh! Yeah!

- Huh?

Ahh!

- There she goes.
- Get her.

- This way.

- [gasps]

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, I can't hear a thing.

Where's the volume?

- Dry eyes blurring
your vision?

Try Focal Flush.

Side effects include dry eyes,
big eye,

small eye, human eyes.

- Ahh!

- I still can't hear.

[loud expl*si*n]

Oh, OK, I did hear that.

- Phew.

all: Granny!

- Eh?

all: Say we have no lives.

- Phew.

Stay away from me.
Stay away from me.

Well, they are committed.

[screams]
I can't look.

I can't look.
I can't look.

- Oops, I turned on
the subtitles.

[together]
Turn them back on.

Ahh!

- I made it.

I'm alive.

Ahh!

- Thank you.
- Yeah, keep it up, Granny!

- Oh, come on.

- We love you.

[tires squealing]

- Ahh!

- Granny, take my hand.

- Where'd she go?

- Huh?
Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You saved me.

- My pleasure.

- Yeah.

We're giving you
the "Star" treatment.

- Granny, you've got the number
one spin-off on our street.

- Spin who?

- Yeah.

We are you're new producers.

But don't worry.

We're only taking


- How about you only
take me home?

- We are.

It's the next location
on our production schedule.

- Huh?

- You're on.

- [screams]

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

- She's back.

- Well, if you can't beat
them, knock 'em dead.

For reasons that
I'll never know,

you wanted me to be a show.

And so, let's go!

* Just wait'll you see
what you have in store *

* With the
"Granny Tentacles Show" *

* Special guests
from all over the sea *

* The best of the best *

* Yeah, seriously *

* You're gonna laugh *

- Is this thing on?

- * You're going to scream *

* You're going to swear somehow
a technicolor dream *

* Smacked you in the head
with razzle-dazzle *

* Leaving you wowed
and maybe even frazzled *

* So all right,
starting tonight *

* You'll get the show you
wanted, much to your delight *

* The "Granny Tentacles Show" *

[pants]

[all snoring]

But I gave them
what they wanted.

- Hey, everyone,
forget this show.

There's a guy down the
street painting a fence.

[all gasping]

[indistinct chatter]

- [sighs]

- Sorry, Gramps.

That's showbiz.

[static droning]

[upbeat music]

all: Hooray!
Great job!

Paint that fence!

- Eh,
this show's pretty good...

for me to hate watch.

* *