01x02 - Lost in Couch/Pat-a-thon

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star.

And I live with my parents.

Ow!

This is my dad.

This is my mom.

[giggles]

This is my sister

she's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room.

And this

This is my show!

[cheering]

- Welcome back, astro-viewers,

to the SS Silver Minnow

home to intrepid explorer

Captain Doug Quasar!

As the most advanced ship in

the galaxy,

the Minnow is packed

to the gills

with all manner

of cutting-edge technology.

And also this robot.

- [burps]

[phone rings]

Yeah, who is it?

Pat-Tron,

it's Captain Doug Quasar.

I'm locked out.

I need you

to open the ship's door.

- I'm sorry Doug,

I'm afraid I can't do that.

- What? Of course you can!

It's an order.

I'm the captain.

- Ha, I don't think so.

The captain always

has his keys with him.

And his keys are right here.

Okay, gotta go.

Hmm

Maybe the real captain's lost.

I better go find him.

- Open up,

you junky old star-toaster!

[screams]

- Uh, nope, no captain here.

- [screams]

[yelling]

- Not here, either.

- [screams] Oof!

- Nope!

- [yelling]

- Uh-uh.

- Ow!

Oof!

- Not here.

I'm helping.

- Aw, he is a good helper.

Oh, hey there!

Today on "The Patrick Show,"

you'll be watching me

watch cartoons.

- And now, stay tuned

for our six-hour marathon of

"Bowling for Clams!"

- Bowling?

Boring!

I want cartoons.

[stuttering]

[bowling strike sound]

[stutters]

[gasps]

- [hisses, growls]

- Wow.

The remote seems

grumpier than usual.

I guess it's gone forever.

- You could go looking

for the remote.

You know, find it,

bring it back.

Fetch it!

Fetch it, boy!

You can do it.

Go on, go get that remote.

- Okay, I'll do it!

[adventurous music plays]

Hi, I'm Patrick Star.

And we're gonna be searching

for the "Remoto Dragon,"

More commonly known

as the TV remote.

On today's

"Lookin' Around For"

- [grunts]

[grunting]

Okay, camera one is good to go.

- Ow!

- [gurgles]

- Happy hunting.

And remember,

don't come home empty-handed.

Your entire "Patrick Show"

audience is watching!

- Huh?

Oh

- Oh, don't mind me.

I always enjoy a good failure.

[chuckles]

- Huh.

Whoo!

- Ooh.

[grunts]

- Fascinating.

These natural sofa formations

must have been here

for thousands of years.

Or at least since Mom

reupholstered the couch.

Wow.

This place is a gold mine.

Oh, I thought I lost this comic!

Cha-ching!

Check out all the loose change.

What?

Oh, my gosh,

my yo-yo!

[giggles]

I missed you most of all, yo-yo.

[grunts]

[gulps]

Oh

Whoa!

[yells]

[gasps]

Must be the end of the river.

Maybe we can

pick up his trail from here.

Ooh, ooh.

Remoto Dragons love to hide

deep in cushion jungles

just like these.

- [snarls]

[growls]

- Wait, remote!

Come back and let me catch you!

- [snarls]

- [panting]

Help, I'm being crushed

by two of the biggest,

roundest, heaviest things

I've ever been crushed by!

["Mermaid Man" theme plays]

- Joy!

The 168-hour "Mermaid Man"

marathon is about to begin!

Time to get really, really,

extra comfortable.

- [growls]

- [screams]

Ouch

- You did it Ouchie, we're safe!

[yells]

I was wrong.

Tragedy can strike

at any moment!

Whoa!

- Ah!

[whimpers]

Whoa!

[grunts]

Oof!

[struggles]

Oh, shrimp!

Patrick, I lost the rope.

Are you okay?

Are you still recording?

- Still here

and still rolling, sis.

I think

some sort of sock-a-dactyl

took me to its house.

- [screeches]

- [chirping]

- Ooh.

Looks like it's lunch time.

[gurgles]

[burps]

Mmm, tastes like argyle.

- Ew.

Wait. A sock-a-dactyl?

Patrick, I don't think

you're in the couch anymore!

I think you've broken through

to a dresser!

Don't worry, Big Brother,

I promise I'll find you!

- Cool, you do you.

I'm gonna keep looking

for the remote.

[yawns]

- [panting]

He's got to be here somewhere!

[clowns squeaking]

[grunts]

Huh?

- [humming]

What's going on, sweetie?

Patrick went in the couch

after the remote,

but now I lost him in a dresser!

- [chuckles] That's nice.

Is Patrick

your imaginary friend?

- What?

No, he's your son!

- [gasps]

My imaginary son is in trouble?

Then I'm going in after him.

[grunts]

- [struggles]

This might take a moment.

So we'll be right back

after a word from our sponsor.

[struggles]

[European folk music playing]

- Hi, I'm Rube Goldfish,

owner of Bikini Bottom

Gold Tours.

And I wanna take you

on a magical trip

through your own furniture.

- Ooh.

- Imagine eight luxurious days

seeing your couch,

your love seat,

even your credenza,

like you've never

seen them before.

Why, you've never

truly experienced

Grandma's china hutch

until you've

spent the night there.

Ooh, looks cozy!

Call the number

to book your trip today.

It'll be amazing.

[gasps, screams]

- Aw, there's no remote here,

either.

[dramatic music]

- Tally-h*!

- Ah!

- Now, remember,

if you find Patrick,

give a shout

and tug on the rope.

- Oh, no.

I ain't going searchin'

for a boob

who can't find his way

out of a chair.

I have nappin' to do!

- He's your grandson!

Besides, it's going to be on TV,

which makes it important.

- [screams]

- Some Remoto Dragons

have adapted to urban living,

and can now be found

in old junk drawers.

Like this one.

Ooh, looks like a dragon print.

Hey, I was lookin' at that!

- [snarls]

- Wow, Remoto.

You got big.

- [growls]

[snarling]

- [grunting]

[shouts]

- [snarls]

- Huh?

The low battery light?

No wonder you've been so cranky.

[yells]

- [growls]

[snarls]

- [whimpers]

Batteries!

Oh, I hope they're double A.

- [growling]

- [struggles]

- [struggling]

- [growling]

[gulps]

[snarls]

[barks happily]

- [giggles] Aww.

Squidina, I did it!

I got the remote.

But how do I get out of here?

- [struggles]

Don't worry, bro.

I sent the whole town

into the couch

searching for you.

We'll have you out in a jiffy!

[struggles]

- Yo, pink dude, ya in here?

- Breaking news,

local stay-at-home son

Patrick Star

is missing in the couch.

Film at 11.

- Where's my big boy?

I brought you

a change of underwear.

- I did it! I found him!

I found him!

[all yelling]

[all shout]

- [giggles]

Huh? Hmm?

- My boy.

- But that's not Patrick,

that's Ouchie.

- Are you sure?

He has my eyes.

- Do you know what this means?

Patrick's lost!

He's putting on

the best show ever

and we're not getting any of it!

This is terrible!

Maybe we should

send someone in after him.

- Patrick, you're safe!

- Patrick, I'm safe!

- Ooh!

- And now I can

use the remote again.

[all cheer weakly]

- My boy.

- It all worked out.

How disappointing.

[chatter on television]

- Hello?

- Hm?

- Can anyone hear me?

I'm still in here!

[banging]

What's going on?

- See, this is why

you need a remote.

- Hey!

What's this, bowling?

I love bowling!

I'll show you amateurs

how we used to knock 'em down

before the w*r!

Gimme that ball!

[grunts]

[shouts]

Whoo-hoo!

- Go, GrandPat!

- I love bowling!

[whimsical music]

♪

- Hm?

[applause]

Thank you, thank you.

Welcome to the first annual

Pat-A-Thon.

We're raising money today

for Snails Who Can't Dance.

And here's your host,

Patrick Star!

- [burps]

- [screams]

- [yells] Oof!

[funky music plays]

They weren't born to boogie ♪

It's a sad, sad tale ♪

Never learned to dance ♪

Like a happy ♪

Uh

- Snail!

- Gesundheit!

- [applauds]

- Hey, folks!

You wanna know how snails

settle their differences?

They "slug" it out!

Eh? Eh?

[crickets chirp]

Aw.

- The canned laughter is stuck!

- Ha-ha.

[wheezes]

- It's gone stale.

- Oh.

[laughs]

Let's say hello

to our Pat-A-Thon phone bank!

We collected

some neighborhood randos

to sit by and take

your calls and pledges.

- [barks]

- You can call me with

your most intimate pledges.

- If you'd like to make a call,

please hang up and try again.

- [burps]

- Excuse me,

I don't want to do this.

I'm just here

for my paper route money.

[phone rings]

Hello?

- [mumbling]

- Is there a "Boring" here?

An I.M. Boring?

Does anyone know I.M. Boring?

- Yeah, we know!

[laughter]

- [grumbles]

- Ha. Today's goal is to raise

a thousand hundred dollars

to get every non-hoofing snail

the dance lessons they need.

Hey!

Let's check the tote board

to see how much money

we've raised so far.

[giggles]

Such generosity.

Let's check in with GrandPat

in the backyard.

He's gonna do a dangerous stunt

to help us raise money.

Take it away, Church Curtains!

- Uh, that's Perch Perkins.

And I'm here

in the Star Family backyard

where GrandPat will attempt

a frightening and stupid set

of daredevil stunts

on what looks like

an obstacle course

built by a stark raving lunatic.

Oh, and here's

our future casualty now.

What are you doin' there,

old-timer?

- I'm making out my will.

Nobody gets nothin'!

- Ah-ha, the elderly.

Back to the studio.

- Thanks, Lurch.

Right now, I'd like to bring out

one of the reasons why

we're doing this telethon.

Say hello to Gary

a snail who can't dance

and his owner, Spongebob!

♪

- Thank you, Mister Star.

- Now tell us

your pathetic story

just like we rehearsed.

- Yes, well, you see,

I've tried every dance

there is with Gary.

We tried tap.

Hm?

[deflating noise]

- Meow.

- We tried ballet.

Eh?

- [groans]

- We even tried slam dancing.

- [groans]

- But my poor snail

just can't dance.

[banging]

- Let's go!

Dirty laundry time!

- Mom!

I'm doing a show!

- And I'm doing the laundry.

Come on,

off with your dirty shorts.

- Aw

Hey, Mom, since you're here,

why don't you do that thing

with your tattoo?

- [giggles]

Oh, all right.

♪

[giggles]

Whoo-whoo!

[giggles]

Whoo!

♪

Whoo!

[giggles]

♪

[applause]

- Master, I'd like to pledge

so the snails can dance.

- With what?

You don't have anything

because I don't pay you.

- Patgor has been saving things

from the doctor's floor.

Patgor was going

to build a friend,

but now wants snails to dance.

- Oh, you know I don't approve

of things that aren't wicked.

But perhaps making a snail dance

is a new kind of evil.

Where's the phone?

[doorbell rings]

- Argh!

- [grunts] Sheesh,

I haven't used this thing

since I was

hanging out with Dracula.

Dead just like Dracula.

[crickets chirping]

[evil laughter]

Release the Whirly Brains!

- [laughs]

- Ring, ring!

Give my phone life!

[cackles]

- [phone rings]

- [Spongebob monster rings]

- I've got an incredible offer

on an exclusive time share

in the Black Lagoon

if you act now!

- [groans]

Now I remember why

I disabled the phone.

[chainsaw whirrs]

[evil laughter]

[lively saxophone music]

[both screaming]

♪

- [screams]

[both screaming]

♪

- [yells]

[laughs]

- [screams]

- Great!

Hey, everybody,

I just bought a time share

in the Black Lagoon!

[applause]

- Hold everything!

Stop the music!

You don't need to raise money.

- Is that a toaster?

- T'ain't a toaster!

I call it

the Automatic Snail Hoofer.

Just hook your gastropod

up to this baby

and they'll be boogieing

at the barn in seconds.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Y'see, the hoofer

does your dance moves for ya.

When I flip this switch,

Gary will be

trippin' the light fantastic!

- [gurgling]

Meow.

- Woah-oah-oah-oah!

- [laughs]

Oof!

[all yelling]

D'oh!

- May I have the next dance?

- [screams]

It just needs

some minor adjustments.

- [yowls]

- Yikes!

[screams]

♪

- Whoo-hoo!

One penny

on the way to our goal.

Keep those calls, letters,

and psychic messages coming in.

Oh, psychic message

coming in from the backyard.

And Birch Jerkins.

- That's Perch Perkins.

You're now looking

at the Alligator Jump,

Wheel of Fire,

ten blindfolded boxing champs,

and a math teacher

with a problem.

The time is getting closer

when Patrick's grandfather

will sacrifice himself

in order to help

poor, unfortunate snails

to dance.

- What's this about snails?

- [laughs] Oh, what a relic.

Back to you.

- Thanks, Blerch!

- Gary, get fixin'

to shake your tail feather

'cause I got a new solution!

I call it the Cutting a Rug Rug.

[vibrates]

Let me demonstrate.

All right, Gary,

show 'em what you got!

- Meow!

[vibrates]

- Whoa!

Bow to your partner

Bow to your own ♪

You're shook up

Down to the bone ♪

And a dosido ♪

[screams]

[phone rings]

- Y'ello?

- [mumbles]

- Anybody here named Ima?

Ima Loser?

Hey, everybody!

Ima Loser!

- We know!

[laughter]

- [grumbles]

- [snores] [alarm rings]

[shouts]

Oof!

Looks like we're nearing

the end of our Pat-A-Thon

for Snails Who Can't Dance.

But before we go,

let's get out to our big finale

with Perch Perkins!

- That's Search Gherkins!

I-I mean Smerch Lurkins!

Agh! Whatever.

Time for the big stunt.

[sighs]

Looks like grandson

is giving grandfather

a last-minute pep talk.

- I just wanna say

it's been nice knowing you.

Oh, wait, wait,

that came out wrong.

- Grandson,

can you check

the heating pad in my seat?

It's not working.

- [grunts] Ooh.

Well, my buns

are nice and toasty.

[yells]

- [chuckles]

- Whoa!

[screams]

[screaming]

- [yells]

- [giggles]

- Ha-ha!

- [shivers]

- The excitement is k*lling me.

Is it k*lling you?

- Maybe.

[both yelling]

- I did it!

- [yells]

- I did it, y'all!

- Ah!

- I found the cure!

- Meow.

- I call it the Tap Spray.

- Meow?

[jazz music playing]

[tapping]

- Meow.

[meowing]

♪

Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow!

- Yahoo!

Look at that snail a-tappin'!

- Yeah!

[phone rings]

- Ah.

♪

[tapping]

[Spongebob vocalizing]

- [yells]

[crashing]

- Thank you, everyone,

for making this Pat-A-Thon

a huge success!

- All right, listen up.

I've got a message here

from a Mia Dumbbell.

Can someone please call

Mia Dumbell?

- [in unison]

Okay, You're a dumbbell!

[laughter]

- [grumbles]

I hate telethons!

[upbeat music]

♪