01x03 - Stair Wars/Enemies a la Mode

[bunniefuu]

Hi, I'm Patrick Star!

And I live

with my parents.

Ow!

This is my dad.

[wacky music]

This is my mom.

[♪]

This is my sister.

She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this

this is my show!

[♪] THE PATRIK STAR

SHOW Season 01 Episode 02 (IMDB)

Episode Title: "Stair Wars"

Part 1 of 2

[peaceful music]

Aired on: July 23, 2021.

[yawns]

[♪]

Whee!

c*ck-a-doodle-doo!

[panting]

Huh?

[snoring]

Patrick?

[grunts, giggles]

Patrick!

[continues snoring]

Come on, Patrick.

The show must go on.

[coughing]

Coming to you from

the Star family home,

It's time for

"The Patrick Show"!

And here

is your wide-awake host

Me!

[triumphant music]

Today, I'm gonna show you

some great miniature golf tips.

Fore!

Five

nine

[grunts]

[gasps]

This would probably

work better with a golf club.

I'll be right back.

Take it away, Squidina.

Patrick, you know I have

stage-4 stage fright!

[whimpers]

[crickets chirp,

audience coughs]

[laughs nervously]

[laughing]

Huh?

Oh, hi, GrandPat!

Just going upstairs.

Greetings, grandson!

Just going downstairs.

There we go.

I'm just gonna go get some

- Please step aside.

- What?

- What? No

- Both: No, you step aside.

Age before ugly.

Pearls before swine.

I before thee!

I'm sorry, GrandPat,

but Dad always told me

Son, the best advice I could

ever give you is:

"Never back down

from a 'stair off.'"

I told you that!

That's my advice.

Ow! Oof! Ooh!

Well, I don't care

who said it first.

I gotta get my golf club.

And I hate

the upstairs bathroom.

[both growling]

[both grunt]

Both: Eh?

En garde.

I'll unguard you.

Both: I challenge you

to a stair off!

[both braying]

[electricity crackling]

[laughing]

[quirky music]

[grumbles]

[whines]

Master, I was watching that.

Please.

That show is made

by idiots for morons.

That's why I love it.

[groaning]

Eyeball!

[laughing]

[growls]

[both shrieking]

[doorbell rings]

Both: Who is it? ♪

[growls]

I'm home!

[giggling]

[mob cheers]

Ah, shut up!

Aww, what's the matter Dr. P?

Pat-gor is hogging

the remote again.

Well, I wanna watch

the idiots on the stairs.

Hmm.

There must be a way to watch

two shows at the same time.

- Let me think.

- Ha-ha!

You see, Pat-gor,

now that I upgraded

the SpongeMonster

with a genius brain,

he can rationally

solve any problem.

[cackling]

Don't think too hard,

brainiac;

you'll have a blowout.

[babbling]

[expl*si*n]

- I told him.

- You did.

[grunts]

[quirky music]

[♪]

I know exactly what to do.

[groans]

Two shows at the same time.

Huzzah, master!

He is a genius.

Here you go!

[both shouting]

[electricity crackling]

Mm-hmm!

[both groan]

Now back to

"The Patrick Show"!

[triumphant music]

[suspenseful music]

[♪]

Nobody's coming down

these stairs, soldier!

And nobody's going up them

either, dog face.

Hot stuff, coming through.

I have to use

the downstairs bathroom.

Stand with me, son.

And someday,

when this Neptune-forsaken w*r

is over you'll use that

bathroom

Right after me.

Stand with me, Father,

and help

retrieveth my golf club.

Sorry, son.

But I really have to go.

Aww, Dad.

[♪]

We are in

the middle of a show.

- What are you doing?

- I need to get my golf club.

And GrandPat won't

let me go upstairs.

[growls]

[sweetly] GrandPat?

Patrick needs that club, which

means the show needs that club,

which means

we're getting that club!

[roars]

- [whimpers]

- Uh-huh.

[grunting] Here.

[shouting]

- Get 'em!

- Get 'em.

[Squidina and GrandPat

cheering indistinctly]

[♪]

Patrick? Squidina?

Anyone?

I have important news!

[screams]

- Morning, Gladys.

- Morning, Bunny.

[grunting]

Mop up the floor with him!

[groaning] Patrick.

[groans]

Oh!

What is it, Mom?

Tell us, what is it?

[whimpers]

I made jelly sandwiches!

All: Yeah!

[all munching]

This is Perch Perkins

coming to you live

from a local suburban home

where, after a brief ceasefire

for jelly sandwiches,

a stair w*r

continues to escalate.

Will those who wanna go up

the stairs stand down?

All: No!

Will those who want to go

down the stairs stand up?

All: No!

Both: Then we shall clash.

[all shouting]

Wow! This is the most

exciting stair w*r

of all the stair wars

I've ever been to.

Look out! Incoming bread!

Sourdough!

Pumpernickel!

[reporter shouting,

helicopter zooming]

[growls]

[growls]

Bread won't stop him.

Time for plan B!

[toilet growls]

[shrieks]

This is why I hate

the upstairs bathroom!

Age before ugly!

[♪]

So we meet again, eh?

Who are you?

I'm the one who's gonna make

you wish I wasn't your grandpa.

Wait! I know you.

GrandPat!

[laughing]

Don't change the subject.

I still want satisfaction.

Very well.

We joust!

[dramatic music]

[♪]

[both shouting]

Hey, wait a minute.

I've got something

caught in my teeth.

Hey! My golf club!

Hey, Squidina, I got my club!

[laughing]

[house rumbling]

[shouts]

Huh?

The downstairs bathroom!

Mustache before beard.

[groans]

[whimpers]

[wacky music]

Whoo-hoo!

And we're back.

And we're out of time.

Tune in tomorrow for more fun

on "The Patrick Show"!

See you then.

Oops.

Episode Title: "Enemies la Mode"

Part 2 of 2

Come on, wheel.

Give me a good idea

for my show.

Eel hats?

Well, I guess we could do

a fashion episode.

[shouts]

Well, that's no good.

[harrumphs]

Who knew making TV shows

would be harder

than watching TV shows?

Uh-oh.

Morning.

[shouts]

Patrick, how's the ole

creative process going?

Terrible!

I've been spinning all morning,

and I still got nothing.

Hmm.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm sure he'll come up

with a neat show idea, like

[music box tune playing,

engine humming]

Ice cream!

[groans]

♪

Well, looks like we're doing

another ice cream show!

Who's the peanut

with a man inside ♪

That sings

your favorite song? ♪

Who's got sweets

and frozen treats ♪

That you can spend

your money on? ♪

Who's your favorite

ice cream man ♪

From now until you're gone? ♪

Children:

The Goober truck guy! ♪

[slurping]

- Who shows you how to ♪

- Ah!

It's him. Sweet Neptune!

- [cowering]

- I'll take a Sweet Neptune.

[♪]

[light music]

[♪]

[gasps]

[chomps]

[gobbling] Ah!

[cackles]

[munching]

The horror. The horror!

[warbles]

Ice cream!

The horror!

Looks like you made

quite the impression.

♪

[crickets chirp]

- Now that that's over

- Hmm?

We're live in five, four,

three, two

[mouths word]

Oh, no.

There is no show

until I get my ice cream.

Mean old ice cream man!

I'm gonna get your ice cream.

Guess if you want

something done,

sometimes you have

to take matters

into your own tentacles.

The show must go on.

[grunting]

[as Patrick] Welcome

to "The Patrick Show"!

Today, we are talking

about uh

uh, oh enemies.

I got 'em. You got 'em.

Sometimes, I'm my own sister's

enemy 'cause I go crazy

and I ruin

all her hard work.

Now, here's

a pre-recorded segment,

from when I wasn't being

such a stubborn jerk.

Hey, there.

Today we're looking at nature,

which is, like, plants

and rocks

and books and stuff,

I guess.

Hey! There's my pet, Ouchie.

He's natural.

And he's got a big bowl

of yummy, tasty, urchin food.

And there's his

natural enemy, the sea bunny.

I call him Pinkeye.

- Ooh!

- Ooh, he's hungry!

I wonder if Ouchie

will share?

Mother says sharing is caring,

but she never wants to share

her lipstick with me.

Whoa!

Let's see what happens next.

Probably nothing.

Nature's boring!

Heh-heh, get him, Ouchie.

[growling]

Ow! [babbles]

Oh, no!

One time, I got my tongue

stuck in a trap like that.

If I ever find out who

put that cheese on there

Whoa!

Look out, Ouchie.

Look out, house!

Look out, world!

Look out!

Oh, that's it.

I guess we live

in a duplex now.

- Hmm!

- Heh! [blows raspberry]

Rockets? Cool!

Boy, oh, boy!

Nature isn't boring.

It's got chase scenes.

All right, Patrick.

Ready to host yet?

It's almost the top of the hour

and you still gotta

plug the sponsors.

[grunts]

I'm not plugging anything

except my mouth hole

with ice cream.

Fine! I guess I'll sh**t

some guest spots as filler.

Hey, mom.

Do you have any enemies?

Well, of course not dear.

I love everybody!

Huh? [yelps]

Oh, but this toaster is

really starting to tick me off!

[grunting]

[toast boinging]

[grunting]

[humming]

[grumbles]

[shouts]

Hmm?

Oh, I see the problem now.

I forgot to plug it in.

[laughing]

Thanks for displaying grace

under pressure, Mom.

Oh, I always have Grace

on display.

No pressure needed.

[glass shatters]

[humming]

Oh, no.

I'm gonna get your ice cream.

[♪]

If this keeps up,

I'm gonna lose my lunch.

Oh, boy! Lunchtime.

[shouts]

Aww that was gonna

to tide me over

till I got some ice cream!

[warbling wildly]

[grunting]

GrandPat? I'm doing a segment

for Patrick's show.

Do you have any enemies?

Enemies?

At my age,

your only enemy is time.

That's why I get

symbolic satisfaction

from smashin' clocks.

[cuckoo cooing]

Now, grab a hammer and laugh

in Father Time's face with me!

[triumphant music]

[both cackling]

[♪]

[both laughing]

Mm-hmm! That'll learn 'em!

[alarm clock ringing]

- [pouts]

- Aww.

What's the matter, son?

That darn ice cream man

won't give me any ice cream.

Hmm.

Sounds like the non-dairy days

of ice cream prohibition.

Dark times, they were.

[old-timey music]

The lactose intolerance

movement

had just banned

the sale of ice cream.

[sneezes]

With every ice cream parlor

closed,

I started going

to sweet-easies.

Oh!

[♪]

[alarm blares, crowd shouts]

And if they caught you

with so much

as a sample size scoop,

they threw you in the slammer

and only fed you prunes.

That's where I learned

to like prunes.

- Uh

- [gulps]

Yep. In those days,

you had to know someone

who could get you

the cold stuff on the sly.

Hey, I know someones!

My sister!

Wait! I meant, I have

some ice cream right here.

Oh, well.

Oh, prune-flavored!

Huh? Patrick, what are you

Shush! It's coming!

Ah. Well, hello, young lady.

Would you like

some ice cream today?

- Two choco gonzo goobers.

- Eh, what the bush said.

Yep, that's an awful lot

of ice cream

for such a little girl.

Oh, they're not for me.

- They're for my big brother.

- [babbling]

Big brother? Oh, no!

[shouts]

Ice cream!

[both struggling]

Ice cream!

Ice cream! Ice cream!

Ice cream!

My Goober Mobile.

Get back here!

Mmm!

I shouldn't have

unplugged it!

[shouts]

Laugh in Father Time's face,

will ya?

[shouting and whooshing]

Oh! Uh that's our show.

I hope you learned a lot

about enemies.

Or ice cream.

Or toaster repair?

See you next time.

[wacky music]

[♪]