01x01 - Late for Breakfast/Bummer Jobs

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents! Ow!

This is my dad.

- [slurping]

- This is my mom!

[giggles]

This is my sister! She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this

this is my show!

[upbeat music]

[cheery music]

- [barking]

- [screaming]

- [snoring]

[big band music]

♪

[clock buzzing]

- [screams]

- [yelps]

[screams]

[groans]

- [muttering]

- The best way out of bed

is an urchin on your head.

[jaunty tune]

Oh!

Well, who's the best pet urchin

in the whole world?

You are, Ouchie.

Give us a kiss. [kisses]

Ouch.

Love hurts.

[woman screaming]

Well, off you go, little man.

Mm. [giggles]

Of course, you have to remember

to brush every morning.

[grinding]

[humming]

Keepin' my eyes minty fresh.

[hawks and spits]

Hm? Hm.

[whistles]

- [munches, burps]

- [chuckles] Gross.

[blows raspberry]

- Uh-oh.

It's almost time for my show.

I better get Squidina.

[axe rings]

- [growls]

[shouts]

- Oops, wrong door.

Now, where was that door? Hmm.

There it is!

- Where are you going?

Show is this way!

- [groans]

- Knock 'em dead, bro.

And now,

it's "The Patrick Show"

with your host, Patrick Star!

- [cheering]

- Oh ♪

[grunts]

I can do anything ♪

'Cause I know nothing ♪

Lack of experience

never stopped me ♪

I've got a TV show

though I'm just bluffing ♪

Make believe you're watching

and I know you'll agree ♪

- [vocalizing]

Huh?

[shudders]

- "The Patrick Show"

is on my imagination ♪

Because my head is empty,

I can fill it with cheese ♪

Ice cream with syrup

and marbles and bluebirds ♪

There's one thing

I can't find ♪

And that is my keys ♪

- Hey, Patrick, what's today's

show gonna be about?

- [stomach rumbles]

I don't know. I'm hungry.

- We'll be right back with

Patrick Star and "I'm hungry,"

right after these words.

- Chum, chum, chum ♪

- Chum!

It's versatile.

You can spread it on toast.

[chuckles, groans]

It also keeps you warm

on frosty winter nights.

Mm, cozy.

The smell keeps out the cold.

[gags]

Here at the Chum Bucket,

chum comes in three

delicious varieties:

moist,

soggy,

and pumpkin spice.

- Chum Bucket ♪

Where chum is your chum ♪

- [stomach grumbles]

Oh, that reminds me.

Breakfast!

In this family,

you gotta be fast

or the food's all gone.

Let's go backstage.

[whooshing]

- [squawking]

- [grunts] Wrong door again?

[grunting]

[dizzy music]

Hm! [humming]

Leedle leedle leedle

leedle leed--oof!

Morning, Mom. [kisses]

- [giggles]

- Good morning, Dad.

[electricity crackling]

[both laugh]

- Oh. Oh! Hmm.

- Mom, Dad,

who's this guy?

- I have no idea.

Do you, Cecil?

- So, you can see him, too,

Bunny?

Huh, I thought

I was the only one.

- I'm your grandfather,

GrandPat!

Must we do this every morning?

- Just play along.

He could be dangerous.

- Uh-huh.

- Hey, sis. Whatcha up to?

- Well, right now,

I'm trying to book

an imaginary ad

for your imaginary TV show.

- Well, how's it going?

- They said

their imaginary people

are gonna call

my imaginary people.

- [laughs]

- So, anyway.

- [vocalizing]

As they say in France,

blown apple feet.

[whimpers]

- All done.

[jaunty music]

[crashing]

- Darn, looks like

I'll be on time for work again.

- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

[all grunt]

[scooter beeps]

[tires squeal]

- Hey, what about my breakfast?

I guess I'll just

have to break my own fast.

[grunting efforts]

Oh!

- [grunting]

- Oh!

[axe rings]

I think the milk went bad.

[indistinct muttering]

- Ooh.

- [muttering]

- Hey,

it's the Dartfish family!

- Good morning, Patrick.

Would you like to join us

for our sad and meager

breakfast?

- Well, I'd--I'd--

[all whimper]

- Uh, no.

I guess not.

- All right, then.

[all gobbling]

[all sigh]

Well, we gotta dart.

[whistle blows]

[all muttering]

- Food!

Here, foody-food.

Hello?

Food?

[cheering]

[fireworks popping]

Ew! Mom's gotta vacuum

under there more often.

Food, food.

- Hey, what are you doing

in my room?

- Duh, looking for food.

I'm starving.

- Food? Ha, bah, you kids

have it easy these days.

Back in my day, we were food.

- Ooh.

What flavor?

- Hush, noodle brain.

- Noodles.

- It was way back

in the Patrolithic period

of early cave stars.

[stomachs grumbling]

Automobiles hadn't

been invented yet.

- [chewing]

- Ooh.

- So there was no way

to get to a supermarket.

- Ooh!

- We had to do

all our shopping in the wild.

[both grunting]

Where the dinosaurs

were shopping for us.

[both screaming]

- Oof.

[both groaning]

- [growling]

- It was just a matter of luck

as to who would eat who.

[screaming]

- [growling and chewing]

[sighs]

- I guess things

can't get any worse.

- [smacks lips]

[discordant clarinet tune]

[all groaning]

- And thus, cave stars

provided nutrition

to the dinosaurs.

And that's why

dinosaurs are still

with us today.

- [playing clarinet]

- [crunching]

- That reminds me, I'm hungry.

Hmm, I know!

I'll do a cooking segment

on my show

and I'll make myself

something to eat.

Hup, hup!

Hoo!

[crashing]

Welcome back to the show.

Now we're going

to make a casserole.

- [cheering]

- Well, let's see.

We got socks, dirty sneakers,

dried leaves, old paperbacks,

and used napkins.

Hmm.

- Eh, you gotta work

with what you got.

[cheery music]

- [grunts]

Cook at 1,000 degrees

for one second.

[timer dings]

It's ready!

[electricity crackling]

[grunting] Okay.

[sizzling]

Ooh.

- [blows raspberry]

- Time to wrap it up.

[buzzer blares]

- The story, characters,

and names

portrayed in this production

are suspicious,

especially mine.

No person associated

with this show

received anything of value,

especially me.

No one was harmed

in the making of this show,

except me. Ouch.

Thanks for watching.

- [cheering]

- That was amazing!

The song, the trash-erole!

The hula number

with the cast of thousands.

- Hi!

I don't remember that at all.

- I don't know how you do it.

- I don't know what I do it.

- I bet you worked up

an appetite.

- Ooh.

Food!

Aw, I missed food again.

- [mumbling]

Hm?

- Hello, Patrick.

We're just having dinner.

One piece of crumb

for each of us.

Here you go, Teensy Tom.

Now you won't starve.

- [drooling]

- Aw, food?

- [inhales deeply]

Oh, nah, Teensy.

You eat it.

- [gobbling]

[bell dings]

- Oh, dinner?

[giggles] Whoa!

- Here we are!

It's called a trash-erole.

I learned it from a show

I saw today.

I think.

- I must've cooked mine

too long.

- Blown apple feet!

[all gobbling]

- [chews, slurps]

Mm, ah, delicious, Mom.

- Get this! I just booked

a sponge with square pants

who does a bubble act.

And the best part is,

I did it on my toy telephone.

[phone moos]

[laughter]

- Goodnight, Squidina.

- Goodnight, big brother.

- Good night, Ouchie.

Ouch.

[snoring]

- Would you just look at him,

mother.

The little angel.

- He sure is.

- Uh, who is he again?

- I have no idea.

- [snoring]

[axe ringing]

- [growling]

- [sighs]

Nothing like a relaxing morning

fishing

for a deadbeat.

[laughs]

[chuckling]

- [straining]

- Gotcha!

You're paying for your

newspaper subscription

today, Mr. Star.

[straining]

Huh? What the--

[grumbles]

- Would you look at that?

I just made

six bucks in coupons

from a magic

floating newspaper.

- Way to go, Dad.

- Time to get ready.

The sea bunny runs

around the coral

away from the barracuda

and hops back in his hole.

- [growls] So dapper.

[kisses]

- [chuckles]

- We'll be back later.

- Wait!

[grunts]

"Be back" means that you left.

Where you going?

- To our jobs, of course.

- What is jobs?

- Dear, I think

it's time for the talk.

- Put down

the baseball mitt, son.

You see, Patrick,

when an employee

and an employer

love each other very much,

a brand-new job is born.

- A job gives

your life meaning.

A purpose.

- I want one of those

job thingies.

- Our man-child

is becoming a man-man.

- Oh, good.

Maybe he can move his can-can

out of the house-house.

[both inhale deeply]

[both whoop and giggle]

- Where can I get a job

and find my porpoise?

- Don't look at me.

I ain't got it.

- I already have my dream job,

producing "The Patrick Show."

- Oh, that show's a hoot.

The pink guy is so dumb!

- Come on, brother.

It's time to start the show.

- Yeah!

- Let's see what's percolatin'

on "The Patrick Show."

- The sea bunny

runs around the coral

- Oh, yay. Whoo.

- Away from the barracuda

and hops back in his hole.

On today's show,

we're getting jobs.

And to get a job,

you have to know how to tie

one of these doohickeys.

[crashing]

Ohh.

[grunting and straining]

Then the bunny and the

barracuda go out for coffee

and their boat gets a flat.

[grunts]

- [gasps]

[glass squeaking]

- [grunts]

-- 3

-D effects. I love this show.

- [straining]

- Huh?

- [choking]

Hi, SpongeBob.

Fancy meeting you here.

[strained chuckle]

- Hi, Patrick.

Trying out a new look?

- [inhales deeply]

Yeah, I'm looking for a job.

- Oh, what a coincidence.

I could also use a job.

Myeh, 'cause

I'm a little low on lettuce

and I need some scratch

for spatulas, see?

- It's not a coincidence,

SpongeBob.

It's just two similar things

happening at the same time.

- Oof, I guess

"The Patrick Show"

is going mobile today.

- Jobs! Jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs.

- Jobs, jobs? [whistling]

- Oh, one more box.

- That tickles.

- I'm so sorry.

I thought you were

a box of cereal.

- Oh, I wish.

- Hold on,

I'm getting a feeling.

- [gasps]

That we should become bag boys?

- No, it's just this darn rash.

You gotta see this.

- Ah, okay, here we go.

My very first bag boy duty.

[careful straining]

Mm-hmm.

Eh, eh!

- You're going too slow,

SpongeBob.

Bagging is all about

speed, baby!

[grunting hurriedly]

- Whoa.

- Oh, no, I missed one.

[straining]

[crashing]

- [screams]

- Nice job, Patrick.

Now watch me.

[grunting hurriedly]

[slamming]

Eh.

[slamming]

Ka-pow! There.

[humming]

Ooh, très chic.

- Thanks.

- Hup-hup-hup.

[customers screaming]

- [struggling]

- What is going on out here?

[splatters]

[growls]

You barnacle brains are done!

Hyah.

[cannon booms]

both: Whoo-hoo!

[expl*si*n]

We completed a job!

- I think I'm getting

the hang of the job thing.

But did I find my porpoise?

[bell dings, tires squeal]

- It's pronounced "purpose."

[bell dings, tires squeal]

- [grunts]

- Oh!

[both giggle]

- Psst, hey, lady.

We're lookin' for a job.

You think we could, uh,

paint that fence for you?

- Oh, of course.

What sweet boys.

- We could touch up

a few of your wrinkles, too.

- Hmph.

both: Oh, this is the way

we paint the fence ♪

Paint the fence,

paint the fence ♪

This is the way

we paint the fence ♪

For the nice old lady ♪

[paint splashing]

- Perfect!

[crashes]

- This house could

use some help too.

- Oh, it's, uh, lovely.

Thank you.

- You haven't seen

anything yet.

Ta-da!

We gave your house a makeover.

- [incoherent mumbling]

- Isn't she beautiful?

[horn honks]

[houses whistling]

- Oh!

- A job well did.

- Thanks for the ride

in your stinky cab.

- Your money

makes this job tolerable.

- [gasps]

Let's be taxi drivers.

- Why take a taxi

when you can ride with Patsy?

- What's a Patsy?

- [panting]

Your stop's coming up.

- So, arrivals or departures?

[horn honking]

- Yes, sir.

- There's no escape

for you this time, Rocky.

- You'll never get me, copper.

- Hm.

- [grumbles]

both: Lunch time.

- [panting]

While they take a break,

let's all watch

another hardboiled episode

of "Noir-Sense."

- [whimpers]

- Now, where was your leg

on Tuesday night?

- My leg?

- We knows it was you.

- [gulps] M-m-m-my leg?

- Myeh, so you won't talk, eh?

Hey, Snapper,

show him what

we'll do to his leg

if he don't make

with the chin-waggin'.

- It would be my pleasure.

- My, l-l-l-leg?

- You'll get a little of this.

Ouch!

- And also some of this.

Oh!

- My leg?

- How 'bout a little of this?

- Ah! He's shavin'

against the grain!

[both grunting and groaning]

- I confess, I did do it!

With my leg.

My leg!

- [vocalizing]

[doorbell rings]

Hey!

It's that weird guy

who wants my money again.

Ugh, gah!

- I can see you, Mr. Star.

- Nobody's home!

- [sighs]

[both panting]

Hmm.

That moron

lives with this moron.

Maybe he can get the cash.

Hey!

How would you two like a job?

- [screeching]

- Sure.

I'm still looking

for a porpoise.

- What do you want from me?

Hmph!

- It's very simple.

Just collect my newspaper money

from Mr. Star.

- Who's Mr. Star?

- Cecil.

Your father?

- Oh, him!

Oh, but his name's

not Seashell.

It's Dad.

- That's my dad's name, too!

- No way! Jinx.

- Yeah!

- Do you think you can

possibly handle this job?

- Of course.

You're not talking

to a couple of noobs.

- Yeah, we've had three jobs

since breakfast.

[knocking on door]

- Mm-hmm.

- [muttering]

[door slams]

- Well, did you get the money?

- Nope, he sent us packing.

- Try harder!

- Harder?

- What do we do?

- Uh

- [clears throat]

- Oh, we gotta be like

those tough guys on TV.

[knocking on door]

- That's an interestin'

newspaper

you get delivered.

- Wha--?

- Be a shame

if it was to get all

wet and soggy.

- [distant screaming]

- [gasps]

Not the Sunday edition!

[vacuum whooshing]

- Huh?

- You ain't getting my money!

[knocking on door]

- We're gone now!

[giggles]

- Oh!

- [chuckles]

[door clatters]

- Oh!

[both shout]

- Myeh, looks like

we'll have to give this mug

the big tip.

[both laughing]

- Ooh!

[grunts]

[groans]

- We gotcha now, deadbeat!

- Here, take my filthy lucre!

- Yoink.

Thanks.

- Ahem.

I'll collect my money now.

- And I'll collect our pay.

- Ooh!

[both laugh]

- Huh?

[screams]

- So, what did we learn today,

Patrick?

- I don't want any more jobs.

They're too much work.

I have found my true porpoise:

doing my TV show!

- Really?

Then what do I do with this?

- Let me go, you little--

[dolphin squawking]

- Hey, watch your language.

This is a family show.

- The end is so itchy.

[goofy upbeat music]

♪