03x24 - Sam the Roughrider/Fool's Gold

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I always wanted
a house in the hills.

I can see
everything
from up here.

The beautiful trees,
the charming
wildlife...

That army general
brandishing a sword
at me...

I'm Yosemite Sam,
the roughrider.

The roughest,
toughest hombre

ever to fight
in this man's army.

And I'm declaring
w*r on this here hill.

Well, I just bought
this hill, see? The
sign says, "Sold."

I don't care
what the sign
says.

I'm going to take
this hill, and win
the w*r for glory.

Glory?
Who's Glory?

But if she's
making you
win a w*r,

she might not
be that into
you.

I'm not talking
about no woman.

I'm talking
about medals.

And statues
made in my
likeness.

Well, if they
make a statue
of you,

They're going to
have to use a little
extra cement.

Wise guy, huh?

You know what
happens to wise guys?
They get charged!

Charge!

(GRUNTS)

(MOANS)

-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Charge!

(PANTS)

(BREATHLESS)
Charge!

Ow!

(GROANS)

Charge!

Ooh, A trick
or treater!

Looks like
someone's dressed
up as a cowboy.

I'm a tough
cowboy.

Well,
that's nice.

Here's some candy,
little cowboy.

Sam likes candy.

(GROANS)

That's what happens
when you eat too
many sweets.

You get
a cavity.

Ooh, I'm going to
get you, rabbit.

Catch it,
I've put some
mustard on it.

(GROANS)

Ooh, you
crazy varmint!

You call
that mustard?

Why, my grandmother
could throw faster
than that.

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

Time out, ump.

BUGS:
All right,
look kid.

We're not going
to get out of
this inning

unless you give
me some of
the high heat.

But I'm firing
as fast as I can!

Yeah, but you
gotta dig down
deep.

You gotta throw
the old Yosemite Sam
screwball.

Yosemite Sam
Screwball?

That's my
best pitch!

Uh, how do I
throw it, again?

Get in
the cannon,
I'll show you.

He ain't
too bright.

(SAM GROANS)

Extra!

Junk-headed general
shoots himself out
of his own cannon!

What?
Let me
see that.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Wait a sec.
Who are you?

Scoop Broadsheet,
Muckraker Tribune.

A newspaper
reporter?

Fantastic.
Write an article
about me

charging up
the hill on
my horse.

Here, borrow mine.
It's got loads of
horsepower.

Hey,
that's great.

Charge!

(MOANS)

Extra! Clueless
corporal blown up
by his own horse!

Let me
see that!

Hey, wait a
goddarn minute.

Stop! Hold
that pose.

This'll be a great
shot for the front
page.

Hang on,
I need some
more light.

Hold this. Now say,
"I'm gonna explode."

I'm gonna ex...

Aw, shucks.
You blinked.

I'm going to get
that darn rabbit.
Oof!

(MUFFLED)
Tarnation!
Where'd he go?

Ow!

My biscuits!

BUGS:
Hey, pilgrim.

I hear you're
a real rough
rider.

Darn tooting,
I am.

Well I'm the
roughest, toughest
rider around.

Hyah!

Beat that,
sidewinder.

(HORSE NEIGHS)

Yeah? Well,
watch this!

Hyah!

(ANGRY NEIGH)

(GROANS)

(STRAINED) I'm still
the roughest rider.

Well, there's
only one way
to settle this.

Trick riding
contest.

Great.
I'll start.

Yee-haw!

(BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYING)

Beat this!

BUGS:
That's the best
you can do?

SAM:
Not even close.

The standard trot!

Jog trot!

English trot!

(SLURPS)

-(DRUM BEATS)
- Fox trot!

-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- BUGS: Not bad...
Cha-cha!

Waltz!

Tango!

Jitterbug!

Rumba!

Lambada! Oof.

No more
horsing around.

I'm taking
this hill.

(MILITARY VOICE)
Oh, no,
you're not.

Who are you?

I'm General
Admission.

And I'm taking
this hill.

Well, I'm
Sam the roughrider,

and I'm taking
this hill.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm taking
this hill, and
this dynamite!

Yeah?

Well, I'm taking this
hill, this dynamite
and this gunpowder!

Well, I'm taking this
hill, this dynamite
this gunpowder,

and these
fireworks!

Well, I'm taking this
hill, this dynamite
this gunpowder,

these fireworks,
and this five gallon
jug of nitroglycerin!

Well,

(NORMAL VOICE)
no sense in both
of us going.

SAM: Ha ha!
I'll be
the winner.

Ain't I
a stinker?

-(SIZZLING)
- This hill's mine!

Oh.

I'm taking
this mound.

(STRAINED)
I'm taking this
dirt pile.

(STRAINED)
I'm taking
this nap.

That's the funny
thing about w*r.

You usually end up
fighting over nothing.

Good thing I got
that hill insurance.

(SINGS AND HUMS)

(HISSES)

(SHRIEKS)

Hey, you
popped my tube.

What gives,
old-timer?

I'm Red Omaha.

You're trespassing
on my claim.

This here's
my gold mine.

And you were
trying to steal
my gold.

Well, it's
my gold.

I don't want
your gold.

I got enough
of my own.

Mighty impressive haul,
young-timer.

Say, look
at the clock.

It's time
for a bean
break.

(GOBBLING)
Yee-haw!

This guys'
off his rocker.

I'm in!
Woo-hoo!

Goodness gracious.
What is that awful
noise, Mac?

Oh, my,
Tosh.

It appears our
delightful
neighborhood

is being bombarded
by a pair of looney
ragamuffins.

Did I tell you
I ripped out some
of my teeth,

'cause they was
trying to steal
my gold?

Your teeth talk
to you, too?

Mine speak
French.

(WHOOPS)
Let's go find
some gold together.

(BOTH WHOOP)

Perhaps we
should interfere.

This can't
be good for
the forest.

Let's just let
them be, for now.

Better safe
than sorry.

That's a
capital idea.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you!

No, no,
thank you!

It's a good
thing you're
here.

You can pull up
the bucket

after I fill
it up with
gold.

Happy to
oblige.

(SHOUTS)

(BANG AND CRASH)

Are you okay
down there?

(RED MUFFLED)
Yeah. I landed
on my head!

I'm almost afraid to watch.

But let's watch anyway,
shall we?

Oh, yes.
We shall, we shall.

Heads up.

(BANGS AND SHOUTS)

(MUFFLED) Yee-haw.
Glad you said,
"Heads up."

That way, I looked
up right as the
pickaxes came down.

No problem, pal.

Here's some shovels.

(CRASHES AND GROANS)

And here's some
other stuff.

(CRASHES AND GROANS)

That help?

It's so dang
dark down here.

Send down
some light.

- Roger.
- No, it's Red.

No, I was saying...

(SIGHS)
Never mind.

Here comes
the light.

Thank you.

How are we doing, old timer?

(MUFFLED)
Good, I got a lot of gold.

I'm going to
put it in the bucket,

And you bring
her up.

Got it.

(GROWLS)

Hey, Red.
You sent up a
honey badger!

Just fill
the bucket up
with gold!

Ow!
Got you.

Okay.
Bring her up.

(GROWLS)

(CRASH)

Oh, my,
Mac.

That duck is
taking more of
a beating

than a drum
in a jazz band.

Oh, we should
see some live
jazz soon.

Oh,
we should!

Okay.

I think you
misunderstood
me.

Just fill the
bucket up
with gold,

not an animal
that wants to
maul me.

Got it.

Oh, I'll be
ready for you,
this time.

Oh, hey,
Red.

I thought you were
going to be some
big old animal...

(RED GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

Bean break!
(GOBBLES)

Oh, my.
(GULPS)

I dare say,
I'm losing
my appetite.

And I dare say,
I've heard of,

"Strapping
on the old
feed bag,"

but they're
strapping on the
old bean bag.

(GIGGLES)
Too funny!

Okay. We're gonna
use this dynamite
to blast a hole

in the mountain,

and then the
gold will come
raining down.

Blow stuff up!

Oh, no. These two
nincompoops have
expl*sives!

I fear for
the safety
of the forest.

You are
quite right.

We will be
on high alert.

But first,
how about
some tea?

Don't mind
if I do.

Okay, I'll take
the dynamite over
to the mountain.

Then, you push
the plunger when
I get back.

- Got it?
- Got it.

What are
you doing?

You said,
"Push the
plunger."

I said,
"Push the plunger
when I get back."

Okay?

Oh, okay.
Got it.

What happened
that time?

I got
confused.

Repeat
after me.

- Don't push.

- The plunger.

- Until I get back.

Wait. Where
am I going?

Not you!
Me!

Oh! Got it.

Aha! You were
going to push that
plunger, weren't you?

No I wasn't.

You know
what?

Forget the
dynamite.

We're gonna use
gunpowder.

And this time,
you're going to go
over to the mountain.

Let's see
how he likes it.

I think this
would be a good
time to leave.

Yes. Perhaps we
should go see that
live jazz band now.

Yes, lets.

I put the gunpowder
in the mountain, just
like we planned.

No, you didn't!

The gunpowder
is sill in your
back pocket!

Oh, no! That means
I left my wallet
over there.

I loved
that wallet.

DAFFY: Huh,
I guess it
was a dud.

(BOTH SHOUTING)

(FAST PACED MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH YELL)

(BEAR GROWLS)

I have no idea
how that just happened.

(BOTH YELL)

(SHOUTING)

Now, that was fun!

Yeah, let's do
it again!

(BOTH GROAN)

That's gold!

We done
struck gold.

Yee-haw!

DAFFY:
We did it!

(BOTH WHOOP)

Let's celebrate
with a bean break!

(GOBBLING)

I do have to say,
the term
"fool's gold,"

has never felt
more appropriate.

(GIGGLING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)