04x01 - My Fair Mandy

[bunniefuu]

- Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

- It's you and me
against the world.

We attack at dawn.

[Children chattering]

[Slurping]

- Hey, mandy.

[Slurp]

Fancy meeting you here.

- This is my locker.

- So it is.

So it is.

Isn't it sublime?

[Music playing]

- Ow!

- [Grunting and screaming]

- Eww! It looks like I hit some
kind of big, ugly bug.

Oh, never mind.

That's just mandy.

- I didn't realize the zoo
animals were on parade.

- Ha ha!

Very funny, mandy, and in case
you didn't know,

That was sarcasm.

Actually, I'm practicing for
when I get crowned in

This year's little miss
scurvy pageant.

I've got the 3 things
you need to win...

Looks, charm, talent,
and brains.

See how the other kids
bow before me?

- [Grunting and screaming]

- Mindy, beauty pageants are
ridiculous contests for

Ridiculous girls.

- Oh, mandy, mandy, mandy.

Mandy, mandy, mandy, mandy,
mandy, mandy, mandy, mandy.

Mandy, mandy, mandy,
mandy, mandy, mandy.

Mandy.

You ugly people are so
predictable, but since you

Were born hideous and
beast-like,

It's not my place to judge,

And stop uglying up my float.

I have to get to class.

- Hey.
- Aah!

- I've got a lemon for a head.

I guess that makes me crazy.

- Hello, principal goodvibes.

- Mandy, I overheard the hurtful
things mindy said to you,

And I think she's got a point.

You have to look deep inside
and realize that the only one

Who can decide if you're
truly pretty...

Is a panel of 3 judges.

Here's the pageant entry form.

- Faster.

Faster! Faster!

- I can't go no faster.

- Faster!

- You can carry your
own books home!

Why do they got to load you up
with so many books anyways?

- Actually, it's just
one big book.

- Well, I think I'd better
divide it into chapters.

Wait. I sense a disturbance
in the force.

Holy moly!

- Is it a candy necklace?

Give it to me!
It's mine, mine,
mine, all mine!

- It ain't no candy necklace,
boy, but I'd prefer that

It had been.

Why you hiding in the bushes?

- I have a question
for you two.

Do you think I'm... Pretty?

- Well, I think you're
pretty something.

- Yeah. Pretty mean.

- Why this sudden interest in
your appearance?

- I was thinking of entering
a... Beauty... Pageant.

- Beauty pageant.

- Beauty pageant!

- Pageant.

- Hoo hoo hoo!

- I think she's serious.

- [Grr]

- Is it true, mandy?

Are you... Serious?

What is it?
- A pageant entry form.

Oh, she's serious, man.

Why on earth would you
want to do that?

- Well, well, well, if it
isn't the mugly g*ng, and by

Mugly, I mean
monstrously ugly.

- Cindy!

- Mindy.
- Mindy!

- You're not really going to
enter the little miss scurvy

Pageant, are you, mandy?

- Scared of the competition?

- I'm scared that the judges
will mistake you for a big

Doo-doo monster and chase you
out of town with torches.

- Oh, yeah?

We'll see who chases whom
with torches.

- Yeah! Mandy will take
your pants off!

- Beat your pants off.
- Beat your pants off!

- Oh, I'm so sure she'll win,
and in case you didn't know,

That was sarcasm.

Now if you'll excuse me, I
have to go get a rib removed.

[Music playing]

- Oh, and just so you know, we
don't really believe

You can win.

- Yeah! We just got caught up
in the moment.

Wait a second!

Grim, why don't you use your
powers to make mandy bootiful?

- Darn it, boy!

I'm not a miracle worker,
but I know someone who is.

[Beeping morse code]

[Thunder]

- Now what?

- I suggest we move.

- Move?

- Move quickly!

- Chicken wing!

[Clucking]

[Gagging]

[Fanfare]

- Crabina!

You look as fabulous as ever.

Mm. Kiss!

- Grim, darling, if I could
move any part of my face,

You'd know how happy I
was to see you.

- Children, meet crabina,
the underworld's premier

Makeover artist.

- Hmm. Well, it's not as bad
as you made it sound.

Of course, we'll have to do
something about that nose.

- No. Uh, the other one.

- Other one?
What other... Oh, my goodness!

Ugh! I mistook her for
an angry tree stump.

- What's wrong with my nose?

- Forget it, grim.

I don't need her help.

- Trust me.

Crabina made me who
I am today.

You should have
seen me before.

I looked like a total nerd.

- My dear, dear child, your
problem is not a physical one.

Why, with enough surgery,
anyone can look beautiful.

True beauty... Oh,
just a moment.

[Squeaking]

Where was i?

Oh, yes.

True beauty lies within.

- In her lungs?

- In her attitude.

What does this girl's
attitude say to you?

- Ooh. It says bad things,

Things I'm not
supposed to repeat.

Make the bad things go away!

I'll be good, mommy.

I promise!

- Exactly.

She's what we refer to as
a sour grape.

- Yeah, but she's always
been like this.

- Then our goal is clear.

If she cannot learn to smile
by week's end, she has no hope

Of winning the pageant.

- Will mandy win the pageant?

Will she ever smile?

I don't care!

Instead, here's an important
commercial message.

Important commercial message!

- And so throughout the week,

They tried a series of dumb
gags to make mandy smile.

Let's watch a clip.

Watch a clip!

[Squeaking]

- Any reaction?

- There was even a wretched
musical number!

- ♪ Hey, man, I just want
to say, man ♪

♪ If you'd only smile once
in a while ♪

♪ Then maybe your face
wouldn't look so vile ♪

- ♪ Just give it a trial

- ♪ It's always in style

- ♪ This song's a big,
stinky pile ♪

- And then the day of the
pageant finally arrived.

- Well, the day of the pageant
has finally arrived.

Look at these little girls
all tarted up.

What kind of sad, needy person
would force them to do that?

- Don't forget.
This is mommy's big day.

- The bigger you smile,
the more beautiful mommy looks.

- Baby, it's time to earn
mommy's love.

- I don't see mandy.

- Crabina wanted to do her
hair and makeup.

Ah! Here they come.

- Wow, mandy!

You look lots better!

- Gentlemen, prepare for
shock and awe.

The plain, drab mandy you
knew before is dead.

- Grim, she m*rder*d mandy!

- It's a figure of
speech, dummy.

- Say hello to endsville's
newest glamour girl.

- Oh, my word!

- I feel ridiculous.

- You are ridiculous,
ridiculously beautiful.

- Oh, I agree.

She's a real looker now, and
in case you didn't know, that

Was sarcasm.

Putting makeup on you is like
putting diamonds on doo-doo.

Give it up, mandy.

I was little miss rickets
last year, little miss toe jam

The year before, and, girl,
I'm gonna be little miss

Scurvy this year!

Oh, and here's
a little advice.

Put the bag back on, please.

Ha ha ha!

- You want me to turn her
into a stink bug?

- No, grim.

I want to crush her on my own.

- All right, ladies.

It's show time!

- Good luck, mandy.

- And try to smile.

- Mandy, I only have these
words to offer.

You are a special girl, and
what you lack in grace, you

Make up for in fury.

I believe in you.

Oh, and here's some
petroleum jelly.

A little rubbed on your teeth
will help you smile.

Yeah. That's better.

[Microphone squeals]

- ♪ One girl

♪ Today, we'll
choose a girl ♪

♪ One girl above all
the rest ♪

♪ One girl ♪ the day
belongs to one girl ♪

♪ It's the one girl ♪
who'll pass the test

[Microphone squeals]

[Panting]

Ladies and gentlemen, meet
the contestants for

Little miss scurvy.

[Cheering and applause]

[Cameras flashing]

- Whoo!

Yeah, baby!

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

- And say hello to our
impartial judges...

General scar... [Applause]

Cap'n green gums, and
mindy's mom!

- Hi, honey!

- Hi, mommy!

- Impartial my big, bony...

- But before we begin, let's
stop and think about

Why we're here.

- My wife made me come!

[Microphone squeals]

- Scurvy is a terrible,
terrible disease.

Isn't that right,
cap'n green gums?

- Arr! I used to have
a set of gums

What made all
the tavern wenches swoon.

Then I got the scurvy!

They had to replace me gums
with... With kosher pickles!

And I hate pickles!

[Sobbing]

- Statistics show the number-one
cause of scurvy is ignorance!

Please do not boil your
fruit juices.

I cannot stress this
enough, people.

[Pbbbt]

Ahh. Now that that's out of
the way, let the pageant begin!

- [Screaming]

- First round, evening gowns.

Julie.
- Aw.

- Laura.
- Ooh.

- Eva.
- Ohh!

- Xena.
- Ooh!

- Anna.
- Ahh.

- Rae.
- Ahh!

- Sue.
- Ooh.

- Mindy.
- Ahh!

- Mandy.
- Oh, yeah!

- And now swimsuit.

- Baby got back!

- Nice, eh?

- Western wear.

- Arr! Her boldness be slowly
winning me heart,

But her coldness keeps me at
an emotional distance.

- Samurai armor.
- Yay!

- Renaissance fair!
- Yay!

- Jersey mall.
- Yay!

- Gom jabbar.

- It burns!

- Arr! That will cost her
some points.

- Our last event,
my personal favorite,

The talent competition.

[Audience gasps]

- Ooh.

[Chomp]

[Cheering]

[Cheering]

[Records scratching]

- Arr! This routine be
technically sound,

But where be the soul,
the passion?

- It's so close.

All mandy's got to
do is smile.

- I'm gonna vomit from
the tension, yo!

- [Cheering]

- Well, well, well, if it
isn't little miss runner-up.

Ha ha ha!

And in case you didn't know,
that was sarcasm.

No, wait.
It wasn't.

- You know what to do.

- ♪ Somewhere over the rainbow

♪ Way up high

♪ There's a land that
I heard of ♪

♪ Once in a lullaby

♪ Somewhere over the rainbow

♪ Skies are blue

♪ And the dreams that you
dare to dream ♪

♪ Really do come true

♪ Someday I'll wish
upon a star ♪

♪ And wake up where the clouds
are far behind me ♪

♪ Where troubles melt like
lemon drops ♪

♪ Oh, way above
the chimney tops ♪

♪ That's where you'll find me

♪ Somewhere over the rainbow

♪ Bluebirds fly

♪ Birds fly
over the rainbow ♪

♪ Why then, oh,
why... ♪ Can't i?

[Bird tweeting]

♪ If happy, little
bluebirds fly ♪

♪ Beyond the rainbow

♪ Why, oh, why can't i?

♪ Why, oh, why can't i?

[Grunts]

- Arr! She appears to be moving
a vessel out to port.

Ha ha!

- Come on. Come on.

- Bring it. Bring it.

- [Gasp]

- You ever get the feeling
something really bad

Is about to happen?

- [Screaming]

- It's so beautiful.

- What have we done?

- You fools!

You've messed with
the natural order!

- Aah!

- Aah!

- Reality is falling apart!

- What's gonna happen to us?

- I don't know, but I'm gonna
hold you tight

And never let go.

- I love you, grim.

- What about me, yo?

- Eh, you'll be fine.

- Aah!

[Telephone beeping]

- Girls, girls, get up.

Mojo jojo just snuck into
a movie theater without paying.

- We're on it, professor.

- Ok. We keep flying.
We never head back.

We never talk about this again.

- Yep.
- Uh-huh.

- And so once again, the day
is saved thanks to billy,

Mandy, and grim.

- I can't breathe, yo.

This belt is cinched
too... Tight.

Ahh.