03x01 - The Secret Snake Club

[bunniefuu]

- Ha ha ha ha ha!

- Turn out the lights.

- Fun plus adventure
equals math,

So join the math club today.

- Hark!

What light through
yonder window breaks?

'Tis the drama club!

Join our merry troupe today!

- Hey,
join the french club... Or not.

I don't care.

In fact, who needs you?
Go away.

- This is so exciting!

- Yeah. School club
recruitment day is da b*mb.

- Picking a club to join is
like picking a booger.

Everyone is a winner.

- I'm gonna join
the macrame club, yo.

- What's maggot mace?

- Macrame is the fine art
of creating coarse lacework

By weaving and knotting cords
into a pattern.

I'm doing it to meet
the chicks!

- Chicks?
I loves chicks!

[Chicks chirping]

[Hoedown music playing]

[Chirping stops,
music continues]

Mandy? Irwin?

Hey, kid!

Did you see where
my friends went?

Oh!

"Jr. C.i....a!"

How do I join?

- That's classified.

- Well, what would I get to do?

- That's classified.

- Well, do you at least serve
good refreshment?

- He knows too much.
Send in the cleaners.

[Geiger counter crackling]

Move along.
Nothing to see here.

- So, you think I got
what it takes?

- You sure do.
Welcome to the future
plumbers of america.

- Want to join
the alpaca farmers club?

You'll get used to the smell.

Not really.

- Hmm. Curious.

- [All hissing]

- Close the curtain!
Close it! Close it!

No, wait! Come back!

Don't you want to know
what kind of a club this is?

- What kind of a club is it?

- It is a secret club.

No, wait! Come back!

Don't you want to know
how to join?

- Ok, how do I join?

- No one joins.

No, wait! Come back!

You can join if you can
answer this riddle:

What is... Wait! Come back!

You can join if you first
prove yourself by...

Ok, you're in.

- What kind of stupid club
is this anyway?

- We are none other than
the secret snake club.

[Snake charmer music playing]

- Secret snake club, huh?

Well, I guess it beats
the cabbage club.

- Ah, no one wants to join
the cabbage club.

- So, do you like
our secret lair?

- Yep. It's a basement.

- Yeah, I wanted to put up
some cool decorations,

But my mom won't let me
'cause grandma lives down here.

- We've never had
a g-girl down here before.

- Y-you are a girl,
aren't you?

- I'm out of here.
- No, wait!

Please help yourself
to some forbidden snake snacks.

Yes, forbidden,
like everything else
in this club.

The recipe is
a carefully guarded,
dark secret.

- Actually, it's just
rice crunchies mixed with
marshmallows and butter.

- Oh, that is just great!

Why don't you just give away
all of our dark secrets?

- Shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- No, you shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- No, you shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- No, you shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- Well, I'm not gonna shut up!

- Well, I am not
going to, either.

Mandy, I would like
to apologize for jerome here.

- Hey! You're not supposed
to use my real name!

What's the point of having
cool code names if we're
not even gonna use 'em?

- Oh, yeah. I forgot
to mention that we all
get secret code names.

- Wow.

- This is viper.
He's level 8.

This is king cobra.
He is level 7.

And I am known
as wiggly.

I am level 20.

- Wiggly?

Your code name is wiggly?

- Well, actually,
it is short for...

- Say, man, how come
you're level 20
and I'm only level 8?

I've been in this club
as long as you have!

- Because, jerome... Viper,

This is the secret snake club.

And since I am the only one
who actually owns a snake,

I level up faster.

- [Scoffs]
yeah, but our meetings
are always at my house,

And I spent two hours making
those crunchy treats!

- But this isn't the secret
basement and crunchy treats
club, now, is it?

- Shut up.
- You shut up.

- No, you shut up.
- No, you shut up.

- No, you shut up.
- No, you shut up.

- Shut up, shut up.
- No, you shut up, shut up.

- Shut up, shut up!
- Shut up, shut up.

- No, you shut up.
- No, you shut up.

- Shut up.
- Shut up.
- Shut up!

- No, you can't go in there.

- So, you want to join
our organization.

- What organization?

- The c.i.a.

- J, k, l, m, n, o, p!

- Wait. What?

- Q, r, s, p, u, t!

♪ Now I know my abcs,
next time won't you sing
with me? ♪

- Do you think you have
what it takes to join us?

- I have a rash on my butt.

- O... K.

- My mom says not to touch it,
but I touch it anyway.

Please don't tell my mom.

- Uh, sure.

- Are you invisible?

- No, billy, I'm in
a different room.

- The bathroom?

- Billy, how would you like
if we wiped your mind

And turned you into
a covert warrior?

- I like french fries!

- He's perfect.

What the...
How'd you get in here?

Someone is so fired over this!

- You're right.
This is a good card.

- Yeah. It has got


- Hey, nerd burglars,

I've been here 3 hours now

And I've still yet to see
anything that looks at all
like a real snake.

- My crunchy treats look
like snakes.

- No, your crunchy treats
look like poo.

- Patience, mandy.
All will be revealed soon.

See, we are a secret club
because of our agenda.

[Dramatic music plays]

It is a dark agenda.

[Dramatic music plays]

It is an agenda...
[Dramatic music plays]

Some other clubs
may not agree with.

- Hey! I want to try that!

Agenda!

[Dramatic music plays]

Nice.

- Mandy, you may find this
hard to believe,

But we are not what
you'd call "popular."

Yes, I know. Shocking.

Daily, we must endure
all manner of teasing:

Wedgies, noogies, swirlies.

- Agenda.

[Dramatic music plays]

- Stop it!

Ok, new club rule.

From now on, I am the only one
who can say the word "agenda."

[Dramatic music plays]

You got that?
Now, where was i?

Great! Now I have lost
my train of thought!

Thanks a lot, viper!
Let's see.

I covered code names,
dark agenda, wedgies,
crunchy treats.

- Macrame club has got
to be more fun than this.

- Irwin, look at
the pot holder I made.

[Giggling]

- Excellent work, carol,
but check this, yo.

- [Gasps]
oh, irwin!

That's amazing!
[Giggles]

- I am a macrame god.

Worship me. Worship me!

- I take that back.

- Oh, wait.
I remember now.

I was explaining
the whole snake connection.

The story goes back hundreds
and hundreds and hundreds
and hundreds of years.

King cobra, if you will.

[Playing slow tune]

[As bob dylan]
- ♪ in a time
forgotten long ago ♪

♪ A world where
people moved all slow ♪

♪ And there was
no such thing as a tv show ♪

♪ That's where we'll go

♪ Oh, in the ancient jungles
of canada, see? ♪

♪ Nerds romped wild,
roamed strong and free ♪

♪ And spent their days
drinking herbal tea ♪

♪ And they were happy

♪ Because someone
protected them with pride ♪

♪ He made the bullies run
and hide ♪

♪ Oh, they'd wind up
on his inside,
oh, what a ride ♪

♪ And his name was
the great snake shnissugah ♪

♪ No one could mistake
shnissugah ♪

♪ His house was near lake...

- Ontario.
- ♪ Shnissugah

♪ Children sing shnissugah

♪ One day soon,
he'll come back again ♪

♪ To this world
of nerd-hating men ♪

♪ And time now will be
like time then times ten ♪

- Sounds pretty good,
don't you think?

We've got a demo tape
if you want to play it
for your friends.

- Wait. You're telling me
the whole point of this
stupid club...

- Is to resurrect
an ancient snake creature

And make him eat
the cool kids, yes.

- And just how do you
propose to do that?

- Well, we have assembled
all the necessary materials
for his arrival:

A giant heat lamp,
some cricket pate...

[Cricket chirping]

And a 2-gigahertz slentium pc
with dvd-r drive.

The only piece we are having
a hard time finding is
the power of the underworld.

I mean, where are we
going to find that?

- Ok, we've got to talk
about these living conditions.

When am I getting
a real room to stay in?

I hate it out here!
It's too hot!

Ain't no running water...
[Machine g*n fire]

And the stupid red baron keeps
flying by and sh**ting at me.

Hmmph!

Hey, why are them nerds
standing behind you?

Why am I doing this again?

- To bring about the second
coming of schnissi...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The big canadian dirt snake.

But why am I doing this?

- Because I rented you out
to these dorks for $20 an hour.

Now get back to work.

- This is so exciting!
All our dreams are
about to come true!

- Yes, combining
the power of the internet
and the underworld.

- Hey, look, you mind not
breathing all over me, man?

I'm trying to work here.

- Ok, so now go to
www.shnissugah.com.

- Whew. Kid never heard
of mouthwash.
Is this the web site?

- No, you typed it wrong.
There are two s's...

- Whoa!
- [Monkey screeching]

Hey, now, don't look at this!
This isn't for children to see.

I'd better close this window.

[Screeching stops]

Stupid computer froze up.

Hang on. I'll reboot.

This is probably going
to take a minute.

[Computer dialing up]

Still just loading up.

Ok, good. Now we...

Oh, wait.
It's not done yet.

[Sighs]
so, uh, anyone seen
any good movies lately?

- Just last weekend I saw...
- Oh, wait! It's ready now.

[Snake charmer music playing]

Ok, good. Here we... Oh,
give me a break!

Thing froze up again!

- This almost makes me wish
billy was here.

- You c.i.a. Jerks ain't
never gonna catch me.

[Laughing]

- Leaky collon,
you are wanted by
the united states government.

Pull over immediately.

- No!

- Darn it!
That usually works.

[Crash]

[Men shouting]

- Ha ha ha ha!

No one can stop leaky collon.
Say what?

- Leaky collon,
it's time to stop running!

- What have you done
to my unibrow?

Without it, I am powerless!

Aaah!

Ouch.

[Ship's horn blowing]

- Looks like a messy end
for leaky collon,

But that's what happens when you
don't eat all your vegetables.

- Good work,
junior agent billy.

Here's your next assignment.

Apparently it's some sick cult
operating under the guise
of a school club.

They're extremely dangerous.

- Let's go spread some freedom.

- It's halfway done
rebooting now.

- Well, I'm officially
bored to tears.

I'll let you rotodorks
finish on your own.

- No, mandy, I don't think
you'll be going anywhere.

See, once someone joins
the secret snake club...

They can never unjoin!

- Is "unjoin" even
a real word?

- Who cares?
She understood what I meant!

- Don't yell at me.
- Well, then, shut up!

- No, you shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- You shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- Shut up!
- How about you both shut up?

Now, someone tell
captain oaf bag here
to move it,

Or I'm gonna crumple him
like a paper sack.

- Idle threats, mandy.

I think it's time
you met wiggly, jr.

[Snake hisses]

- Oh, please. That's just
a little garden snake.

- All shall succumb to
the power of the snake!

- Grim, untie me, now!

- Sorry, mandy.
I'm on the clock.

Hey, it's ready!

Ok. Let me just enter the code...

"Extreme dork losers."

Scythe.

- It's working!
It's really working!

- Yay.

- Yes!

Come, lord shnissugah!

Come and make us kings!

[Door opens]

- You sickos are
in big, big trouble.

- [Gasps]
the c.i.a. Is on to us!

Run, girls!

[Girls screaming]

You ain't getting jack
on me, yo!

- No! Let him go.

He seems to have forgotten
this classroom is on
the third floor.

Well, well, well,
how the mighty have fallen.

Isn't that right, irwin,
a.k.a. Jimmy the jackal,

A.k.a. Mr. Magic mutton chops,
a.k.a. Debbie?

So, you thought you could
threaten the world
pot holder market

With your quality handmade
macrame pot holders,
raising enough money

To buy your own space laser
and point it at people's eyes,
causing retinal damage

So everyone will have to wear
glasses just like you!

[Draws a deep breath]
but you failed.

- How did you know?

- We had someone on the inside.

- Tammy?

But... But I was gonna
ask you out next week.

- Gag me with a spoon.

Like I would have
gone out with you.

- All right, boys!
Drag him away for deprogramming.

- This isn't right!

This episode was supposed
to be about snake nerds!

Snake nerds!

- Yes!

Come, lord shnissugah!

Come and make us kings!

[Door opens]

- You guys are making
a mess down here!

- Peter! This is
the worst possible time!

- Well, I'm still telling mom!

- He's emerging from the vortex!

- Hey, shnissugah.

[Lisping]
- hey, grim.
What's... What's... How you been?

- Oh, you know, forced
into friendship with
a dumb kid and a mean kid.

And you?

- Sheesh. Not so good.

Traveling through the internet
always makes me nauseous.

You got any bicarbonate of soda
around here?

- That's shnissugah?

But he's supposed to be,
like, 8 kilometers long!

- Actually, it's 8 centimeters.

Sometimes, with those metric
prefixes, there tends to be
a little... Heh... Confusion.

- Well, are you at least gonna
eat all the cool kids?

- What, are you crazy
in the head?

Cool kids are full
of trans-fatty acids.

Do you even know what that
would do to my indigestion?

But I guess I could maybe,
you know, like, bite them
on the big toe if you want.

- What good would that do?

- Well, it would make it
very uncomfortable
to walk around.

Say, there aren't any cats
running around here, are there?

Because I'm really, really
allergic to cats.

Oh, no! That poor girl,
all tied up!

Wait. That is a girl, right?

What's wrong with you people?
Untie her right now!

Shame on you nerds!

You don't like it
when people harass you.

Why would you do it
to others, especially a girl?

You people disgust me.

- Yeah, you disgust me, too.

You're all old enough,
so wear some deodorant!

I've been trying not to vomit
in me own mouth all day!

- Listen, grim, I got to run.
I've got a doctor's appointment.

They're supposed
to run some tests.

I... I really don't want
to talk about it.

- Our world has crumbled.

- Completely.

- Hey, have fun, guys.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

- "Have fun"? With what?

Oh, no!

- Cover your eyes,
wiggly, jr.

This is gonna get ugly.

[Punches landing,
boys screaming]

[Sighs]
no one wants to join
the cabbage club.

[Whistling a tune]