02x06 - Nigel Planter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets/Circus of Fear

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]

- Imperial.

- Ahh.

- Hee hee hee!

Gosh, grim,

Thanks for making me
the size of a golf ball.

- Quiet, billy.

Remember, be the golf ball.

- Right.

I am a golf ball.
I am a golf ball.

Oh, what a golf ball I am.

Aah!

-[Sigh]

I always wanted to do that.

- Heh! Tweet, tweet,
bird dudes!

- I think you just
hideously maimed some
poor dumb spectator.

Now what do we do?

- Play through.

- [Groan]

- Hold still and go long, man.

I'm playing through.

You dig?

- [Gasp]
- hold it, grim.

Back up.

That's nigel planter
from weaslethorpe house.

- [Grunting]

- Shouldn't you be at toadblatt
school of sorcery right now?

- No!

I can't stay there anymore.

During the summer
or on weekends,

I have to live here
on my godfather's golf course

Like a common gopher

Because I'm being hunted
by the darkest, most evil wizard

Ever to walk
the face of the earth...

Lord moldybutt.

The mere mention of his name
causes things to... Break.

- Lord moldybutt?

- Don't keep saying that!

- Saying what?

- Lord moldybutt!

Man, he's got me
floundering about like... Like...

You've got to help me.

- What's in it for us?

- Yeah!

- How about some jelly beans
that taste like toilet?

- We're in!

So, ah, what do you
want us to do?

- I want you guys to come back
with me to sorcery school...

And be my protection
from you-know-who.

- Lord moldybutt?

- I told you not to
say that name!

- What name?
- Lord moldybutt!

Uh, we should go.

- What is the meaning of this?

- Holy crud.

- You've done it
this time, busters.

You won't get away
with this one.

You've broken the rules.

Scorching the dean's bookcase,

Leaving a gaping hole
into some weirdo dimension,

Tracking dirt on my carpet!

That's it. You're out.

I am gonna fry your...
Nigel planter?

- Uh, hello,
dean toadblatt, sir.

Sorry to drop in on you
like this,

Unannounced and all.

Heh. Heh.

- Nonsense, my boy.
Don't be silly.

My door's always open
to you, nigel.

I just want you to
enjoy the heck out of
what is likely to be

Your last semester
here at toadblatt's.

- Last semester?

- What with
your impending demise and all.

Ok, toadblatt, what gives?

I thought you two
despised each other.

- Yeah!

- That's all
water under the bridge.

We must be especially nice
to mr. Planter.

After all, it's only
a matter of time

Before lord what's-his-name
gets ahold of him and...

- You mean lord moldybutt?

- Bingo.

[Hoots]

- That creepy old dean toadblatt
really freaked me out.

- Man, don't be bugging.

When your time has come,
your time has come.

So you may as well
get some sleep.

[Snoring]

[Hooting]

- [Teeth chattering]

- There's nothing to be
afraid of, you worm.

We have everything covered.

Billy, you take the first watch.

Billy? Billy?

- Right! I'm all over it, mandy.

- I'll be right
outside the door

If you need me.

And, billy, be careful
with that magic wand.

- What could happen?
Hee hee hee!

[Gasp]

- Keep your mitts off me gold.

- [Growling]

- Yow!

- [Yip]

A puppy.

Ooh! Such a good doggy!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

He's a good boy.

I'm gonna call you winky.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

You like that.

Ooh, yeah!
Don't you, winky?

You likey that, don't you?

Who wants a tummy scratch?

Yeah!

- Lord moldy...
- Listen up good, planter.

Stay away from
the chamber pot of secrets

Or else.

- Or else what?

When did weaslethorpe
get a moat filled
with crocodiles?

- Nice touch, don't you think?

- Very effective,

But I don't even know where
the chamber pot of secrets is.

Aah!

- It's in the dean's office,
behind the...

Wait. No.

I mean, uh, never mind that!

Just stay away!

- But what's in
the chamber pot
of secrets, anyway?

- It's a secret, wise guy!

I'll throttle you!

- Did you hear something, winky?

[Barking]

- Lord moldybutt.

- Cursed kids.

You haven't seen the last
of me, nigel planter.

Ha ha ha!

Aah! Ooh!

Aah! Ooh!

- Hmm.

Some kind of weird powder.

- Magic powder?

- I don't know,

But I'll bet it has
something to do

With the chamber pot of secrets.

[Billy sneezes]

- I think winky
needs a chamber pot.

- Eww.

Say good-bye to winky, billy.

- Aww.

- Billy, you stick with nigel
while he goes to school.

We'll be along shortly.

- I can't take it anymore,
billy.

I can't eat, I can't sleep,

And I'm getting a rash
on my tochis.

- I miss winky.

- All because of
a stinky old chamber pot.

Meanwhile, lord what's-his-name
could be anywhere.

- Lord moldybutt.

- Stop saying that, billy!

Keep a lookout, billy,
while I open my locker.

- I got your back, dude.

Nothing gets by me.

Wa-whaa! Ooh!

- [Gasp]

- Ooh! Ooh! Wah!

- You'll stay away
from the chamber pot
of secrets, mr. Planter,

If you know what's good for you.

Is that clear, mr. Planter?

- But... But...
- No buts!

- Nope. No sign of
lord moldybutt.

- I want you to wait
outside this door

While I go to voodoo class.

Keep a lookout for you-know-who.

- Lord moldy...

Hee hee hee! Butt.

[Sigh]

Winky.

[Whistling]

Winky!

- Today, class,
I will demonstrate

How to really stick it
to the other guy

With a little voodoo
acupuncture.

First, we're going to
need a volunteer.

Anybody?

- Aah!

[Punches]

- And stay away from
the chamber pot of secrets.

- Mr. Planter, good show.

{\An7}now, everyone,
take out your doll,

And put the first needle here.

- Yow!

- Hoo, hoo, hoo.

- Owl mail?

- Hoo, hoo, hoo.

- Mr. Planter,

It seems you're wanted
in the dean's office.

- Criminy! I haven't
done anything...

I'm going. I'm going.

- [Laughter]

- Aah!

- [Barking]

- I regret to be the one
to tell you this, mr. Planter,

But our school can no longer
be responsible for your safety,

And frankly, my boy,

I think it would be better
for everyone involved

If you could
pack your bags and go.

- Gosh. Maybe you're right.

- Of course I'm right.

We will miss you.

- Get a room, sissy.

Ha ha ha!

- You. You... You...
You can't be real.

- Oh, I'm real, all right.

[Glass breaks]

Can you guess what I found
in the chamber pot of secrets?

- Ooh! Was it
a parallel universe

Full of baby ninjas?

- No, billy!

I found this cheesy costume.

- Cheesy? Aww.

- The same costume that
toadblatt's been using

To terrify nigel.

- But...
- How did I find out?

That night you came
to weaslethorpe,

You left a fine dust
on the windowsill

When you made your escape.

- Yeah? So?

- The kind of dust
that only comes from...

A cheap latex mask.

Plus I discovered hair
at the crime scene.

Closer analysis revealed it
to be to toad hair.

Cooperating with
local authorities,

I collected fingerprints and dna
from nigel's bed.

The fbi crime lab
in quantico, virginia,

Confirmed with 100% certainty

That dean toadblatt
was the culprit.

- [Coughs]

A little air.

- And I would have gotten away
with it, too,

If it weren't for
you meddling kids

And your stupid dog.

- Arf!
- Yeah!

I did it!
It was the only way

To get rid of that
rotten nigel...

What are you gonna do with that?

- Hey, I'm pretty good
with my wand.

Don't you think so,
angel face?

- And I'm not bad with a club,
grease ball.

- At least you won't have
lord what's-his-name

To worry about anymore.

- [Panting]

- Lord moldy... Aah!

- Eh. Sliced it.

- Heck, I knew all along

{\An7}there was no real
lord moldybutt.

[Whistles]

- You think I'm not real?

Soon you'll see the true power
of lord moldybutt!

Ha ha ha!

Uh, a little help here.

- [Sigh]

- Hi, honeys. I'm home.

What exactly are you doing?

- Knocking holes in the wall.

- You do realize that
you're watching static?

- Yeah.

- I can't take this anymore!

My clients are more lively
than you two.

- Tv broken?

- That's right.

- There will be no more
television...

And no more banging
on the stupid wall.

- [Sobbing]

- What else are we
supposed to do?

- Uh... Eh... We're
going to the circus.

It's the greatest show
under earth.

We're here, kids.

[Clears throat]

- Eh?
- Aah!

- Whoa!

Oh, uh, so these two
must be part of the freak show.

- Ha ha ha!

Actually...

Actually, yes.

These two are freaks,
and I am their manager.

- But we're not...
- [Grunts]

They're just sensitive about
being called freaks.

- All right. Get in there.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Creeps and creepers,
ghosts and ghouls,

{\An7}get ready for
the circus of fear!

- Yay! Yay!

- And now put
your tentacles together

For tongue-twisting terror
at 200 miles per hour...

The tongue twins!

And the guy who
makes things happen

In no time flat... Roadkill will!

- Oh, yeah! Yeah!

- And next,
she's all legs... Leggy peggy!

- Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

- Bonehead.

And finally, the most
disturbing thing you could see

In the underworld,
a real living human boy!

- ♪ I got some strings
to hold me down ♪

- Who do they think
they're fooling?

- Aah!

A human!

- Ladies and gentlemen
of the night,

Now for the event that
you all came out to see...

- [Yawn]

- Clortho, beastmaster
of the seventh realm.

[Growling]

Hap hap! Hap!

Hap hap! Hep!

[Belch]

- [Cheering]

- [Yawn]

- Thank you.
Thank you, my friends.

And now,
the piece de resistance.

My little pets will climb
to the heavens....

Hep! Hep!

And dive down into this
tiny glass of water.

- Ooh.

- Delicious.

Ahh.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks much.

You're a lovely audience.

Try the veal.

I'll be here till tuesday.

- Can we go home now?

- Yay! Yeah! Yeah!

Whoo hoo hoo! Yeah! Yeah!

Yee-hah!

- Real... Live humans?

- Wow! That was so cool!

- How's the take today, joe?

- Uh... Not so good, boss.

- Dra-ha-ha-ha-at!

If only I had
some real freaks.

Wait a minute.

Monsters would pay anything
to see real...

Uh, uh, human children.

Wait up!

Grim, my old friend.

- Do I know you?

- I so hope you enjoyed
my performance.

My, what lovely children.

I didn't know you were
a family man.

How much do you want for them?

- Hmm.

[Smack]

Ouch.

Uh... Sorry, clortho.

The kids are not for sale.

- Ah... Sure. Ok.

I understand.

So...

You think you can steal away
my stars, eh, grim?

We'll just see about that.

We'll see.

[Laughing]

- Hoo hoo hoo!

Already-chewed gum.

[Panting]

Unh!

- Well, at least
it kept billy busy.

Hey. Where is that dork?

- [Panting]

- [Sigh]

Come on, dork bait.

If you're late for dinner again,

Your mom will gut you
like a trout.

- Oops.

- [Grunting]

- Surprise!

You'll make
an excellent addition
to my little circus.

You kids are disgusting,
always reeking of...

[Sniffs]

Popcorn and lollipops.

- What could be
taking that girl so long?

I'm going to miss me programs.

Ohh.

Hey, now. What's this?

Billy's shoe?

Oh, my gosh.

Clortho must have captured them.

Ha ha ha!

- It's time for you brats
to begin your training.

First, you, billy.

Hep hep! Hep hep!

Hep! Hep hep!

Hep! Hep!

Hep! Hep!

Hep! Hep! Hep!

Hep! Hepa!

- Woof!

[Panting]

- And now it's your turn,
my little buttercup.

Hep!

- Back off.

- Aah!

That'll be all for today.

- Honeys! I'm home!

What are you doing?

- Knocking holes in the table.

- Where's billy?

- I don't know.

- Listen, mister.

If billy isn't back by dinner,
there will be grim consequences.

- [Shriek]

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to the circus of fear.

Tonight we're proud to present
real live humans

Billy and mandy!

- So, I was right.

But maybe I should rescue them
after the performance.

It's time they entertain me.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and ghouls,

Please join me in welcoming
real live humans

Billy and mandy!

- [Cheering]

- [Gasping]

- [Cheering and applause]

[Brraapp]

- Yay, billy!

- [Cheering and applause]

- [Barking]

[Growling]

- Aah!

- [Screaming]

- Please calm down, everyone.

Don't panic.

Everything's...
You little brat.

Put that down now!

- I don't think so.

- Clortho was dr. Fear
all along?

- Not exactly.

- Eh! My mom's dr. Fear?

- Eris is dr. Fear's mom?

- No, billy.
Dr. Fear is a common earthworm.

- Just as I suspected.

- I don't get it.

How the heck
can he be an earthworm?

- Billy, if you paid
attention at all,

It would be obvious that he'd
been an earthworm all along.

- But i...
- She's right, billy.

You're just dumb.

- I'm so glad things are
finally back to normal.

Hep! Hep!

- [Inhales]

[Barking]

- [Muffled backward voices]