02x01 - Spider's Little Daddy/Tricycle of Terror

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]

♪♪♪

- It's cruel and unusual.

- Well, having a son
is finally paying off.

To billy and irwin!

- Hey, guys!

- Wow.

I hate to be the one
to tell you this,

But mandy is a girl.

- Yeah!

And this is
a father-son picnic.

- Oh, come on, guys.

She's just one of the boys.

See?

Ha ha!

Boys!

Oh, who am I kidding?

I have no son!

[Sobbing]

- [Sniffing]

Smells ready.

Commander billy reporting
for pre-launch checklist, sir!

E. Coli?

Check!

Cat hair?

- Meow.

- Check!

And special sauce?

Check!

Prepare for launch,
private irwin!

- Aye, aye, captain!

Commencing countdown!



Fire!

- Billy,
I think you dropped your brain.

- What's wrong, mandy?

Not afraid of
a little dirt, are you?

Aah!

- Uh...

- Do you mind!

- [Screams]

[Grunting]

- Finally...

After 7 hours of cleaning
up after them brats,

Everything is spotless.

Huh?

[Fire alarm beeping]

Wha!

[Sobbing]

- Oh, oh, oh!

I hate bugs!

Oh, my gosh!

What if I turn into
a bug right now!

- Let's do a bug test.

Tell me the first thing that
crawls into your little brain.

{\An5}lady?
- Bug.

- June?
- Bug!

- Yo, sucka, don't be...
- Buggin'!

- Yep, you're turning
into a bug.

- B-b-b-bug!

Oh.

Thick, brown water.

Oh!

The burn means it's working.

I'm not gonna turn
into a giant bug

Like that freak jeff!

- [Kids chattering]

- Wow.

Who knew fathers and sons

Could be so happy?

[Sighs]

If only I had a chance
to show my dad

What a great son
I turned out to be.

But all I have to
remember him by are these...

Baby pictures!

Oh, daddy.

- Uch!

I am so unclean!

- Dad?

- Take that,
you dirty old bugs!

You can kiss my butt!

- Kiss his butt!

That's all he wants?

A kiss on the butt?

Heck, I'll kiss both cheeks.

- [Whistling]

- [Heavy breathing]

- [Shuddering]

[Gasps]

[Laughs]

Stupid squirrel!

I wasn't afraid.

[Whistling]

- Hey, dad!

- Huh?

- I made you a card.

- [Screams]

- Are you ok?

It's all right, dad.

It's me, your son, jeff!

Happy to see me?

- [Whimpering]

- Hey, dad, are you
gonna eat that?

- [Shuddering]

[Screaming]

- No, dad! Wait!

You can have the bug.

Oh, what did I do wrong?

- You're being too nice.

- Mandy, I don't think
you can be too nice.

I mean, maybe too forgiving,
but too nice?

Oops.

You dropped your canopy.

- See?

Too nice.

Look, nice gets their attention,

But mean puts the hook in them.

Just look at irwin.

- Hi, mindy.

What a lick of my... - Oops!

Later, loser.

- I love you!

- Wow!

That's all it takes?

Mandy, I want you to teach me

To stop being so nice

And start being mean,
cruel, and evil...

More like you.

- I'll do it for 100 bucks.

- 100 Bucks?

Well, for you... 200!

- Meet me at billy's
house at 6 p.m.

And bring a bad attitude.

- Take this,
you giant spider freak!

- Yeah! Take that,
you spider freak!

- Oh, this game cheats so bad!

- That's right, grim.

It's a conspiracy.

- What's that, bones?

You over there crying?

Cry about this!

Now shut up, sissy!

- Ha! You tell 'em, sarge!

- Hey, jeff.

- Psst, mandy, I'm over here!

- Oh.

You're definitely billy's son.

- Ok, mandy,

Time to play hardball with dad.

And to show him I mean business

I'm made him some
pony tear truffles.

- Hey, mandy,

Guess who just got
the crazy high score!

- You?

- Yep. Me.

[Screams]

It's that freaky giant spider,

And he's made
pony tear truffles!

No white chocolate.

Run!

- Attack.

- Grr!

Dad! Dad!

- This is gonna be good.

- Dad...

I know that maybe
I didn't turn out

The way you planned,

But, gosh darn it,
I'm your son.

And I cordially
request some love.

How am I doing?
- Meaner.

- Right! Strike
the cordial part.

- [Screaming]

- Dad?

- Get away from me, freak!

[Straining]

- [Groaning]

- [Grunting]

- It's working, mandy!

Oh! He's showering
me with gifts.

- [Screaming]

- Oh, mandy!

I can feel the warmth
of daddy's love

Surging through my
shattered limbs.

- This is going to be
harder than I thought.

Time for plan b.

Ok, can you hear me?

- Loud and clear, mandy.

- Ok.

Get billy to come to the window

And I'll tell you what to say.

- Jeez, mandy,

I feel like we're being
awfully sneaky.

- Now, go.

- All right!

- And now all you need
is a nose, linty.

Ooh! I got a squishy nose!

- Hmm.

How do I get his attention?

- Throw a pebble at his window.

- Right, a pebble.

- Oh, my eye!

- Oh, sorry!

[Screams]

- Mandy, I think
he's coming down!

No, he's...

He just giving me
more furniture.

- I hate you!

- Thanks for the furniture, dad!

- Jeff, get angry.

- Are you sure?

- Put the hook in him.

- Right.

- Now repeat what I say exactly.

Hey, stupid.

- Hey, uh, stupid!

Don't make me eat my parents
like other bugs do!

Ew!

Oh, sorry, dad!

What do you say we just
go get some yogurt?

I'll buy!

Oh, I get it.

You're lactose intolerant.

Sorry.

- Stop apologizing.

Be mean!

- I can't.

I have an abnormally
small mean gland.

[Whining]

- That's it, I give up.

- No! No!

I'll listen. Please, mandy!

- All right, mandy.

I'm here to do your chores.

- Hey, go nuts.

- Go nuts?

- Now, get to work.

- Grim,

What have you done
to deserve this?

- Yeah, what did
I do to deserve this?

- Leave me alone, you jerk!

- "Clean my room, grim."

I hate you, you horrible
little monster.

- I hate you,
you horrible little monster.

- No matter what I do,
I'm never appreciated!

{\An5}- no matter what I do,
I'm never appreciated!

- What am I supposed to do...

- To get some respect
around here?

- Chew someone's head off?

- [Barking]

- That's it!

- That's it!

- [Train whistle]

- Toot!

No more mr. Nice spider!

[Grunting]

Love me, dad!

Love me!

Love me now!

- No!

- Aw, dude!

This game cheats!

- I told you.

- You know, jeff,

I don't know what
you said to billy,

But he's much less annoying now.

- Yeah.

- Well, I owe it
all to you, mandy.

It's just nice to have a father.

How you doing, dad?

- I love you.

I love you!

I love you.

- Aw, shut up, dad.

- My bike rocks!

Oh! The wheels are like circles!

One lemonade, please!

- [Screaming]

- [Slurp]

Well! At least my bike is ok.

I should still be
able to ride it home.

Aw.

Who needs a dumb bike
to have fun anyway?

Walking can be it's own reward.

Go, legs, go!

Yeah! I'm on fire!

You put one foot in
front of the other!

- Hi, billy!

- Oh, hey, irwin.

Man, it sure looks
like irwin's having fun

With his bike.

- I'm having so much
fun with my bike!

Whoo!

- It looks like pud'n
is having fun

With his bike, too!

- [Laughing]

- Even sperg!

- I now pronounce
you man and bike.

- I only wish that
everyone could know

The joy this bike
has brought me.

[Thunder]

- You just put one foot

In front of the other.

- Alas, poor billy,

Destined to walk the sepulchered
streets of suburbia,

A doomed husk of a child.

Do not cry for him.

Do not cry!

You see, billy's life is about
to drastically change.

For better or worse, I know not.

Oh!

I wish I hadn't drank
all that lemonade.

I can hold it.
I can hold it!

I don't gotta hold it!

What kind of weirdo
porto-potty is this?

It looks so unsanitary.

- That's why they call it
pittsburgh.

- Oh, hi!

- Hello, billy.

- How'd you know my name?

- I guessed.

- Wow!

Is that your red tricycle?

It sure is nice.

- Actually, I brought
it here just for you.

- [Gasps]

For me?!

- It's totally free.

You only have to promise
to love it forever...

And ever and ever.

And ever.

- I promise.

- [Laughing]

[Coughing]

Oh, sorry.

I just remembered this
really funny joke

About a duck in a... [Bell rings]

Never mind.

It is time to go.

Don't forget... You
must love it forever.

Forever... Forever...
- Thanks, mr. Kid!

You're a 3-wheel dream!

I'm gonna name you trykie.

Come on, trykie,
let's go have some fun!

Guys! Hey, guys!

Do you notice anything new?

- [Snickering]

- What is that, yo?

Is that a tricycle?

- Yep!

It's name is trykie!

- [Snickering]

[Laughing]

- Incoming data packet
for billy.

Only big babies ride tricycles!

- That's not true!

- Ready for your bottle?

- [Crying]

I'm not a big baby!

I'm a young adult.

- ♪ Baby billy,
sitting in his crib ♪

♪ Dripping mashed potatoes
all down his bib ♪

- You're wrong!

Trykie is cool!

And I haven't worn
a bib in months!

[Sobbing]

[Burp]

[Sobbing]

They... They... They didn't
even give it a chance!

[Sob]

- Hey, you remember earlier, yo,

When we called billy a baby?

- Yeah!

That was awesome!

- And then when he cried
all the way home?

- Yeah!

- It's nice that it
wasn't me for a change.

[Bell jingles]

Hello? Is someone there?

Hello?

[Screams]

- [Sobbing]

- [Squeaking]

- Trykie!

How'd you get in here,
you rascal?

Wait!

What's that lodged
in your spokes?

It... Looks like...

Some kind of cool noise-maker!

I'll just put that back in.

Trykie, I don't care
what my friends say.

I feel so right
when I'm with you.

♪ Touring the france

♪ La la la
♪ touring the france

♪ La la la la la la la

Hi, sperg. Nice day! Gotta go!

- Get back here, meat!

Just when I thought
you couldn't get no lamer

You show up on that thing!

- I don't care what
you say about trykie!

They're just words,
and words can't hurt me.

- That's why I've got these.

- Gulp.

Wh-what are they for?

- Atomic wedgies!

- [High-pitched scream]

They work well.

I don't care what you do to me,

Just don't hurt trykie.

- Your stupid bike is
about to have a little fall.

- No, sperg.

No! No!

- This is where
the sidewalk ends, baby.

- Don't do it!

Trykie!

- Well...

That was even more satisfying
than I thought.

♪ I could eat you up
♪ better than candy

♪ You're so dandy
♪ buttercup dancer

♪ I love you [panting]

Oh, stupid, stupid!

I missed the third cue.

I'll never get to broadway
with that kind of sloppiness.

Gotta train even harder.

You got a problem, cuz?

No!

I got rid of you, man!

I got rid of you!

[Screaming]

Oh, no!

No!

[Screaming]

- [Sighs]

Nothing is as fun
without trykie.

[Squeaking]

Trykie!

You're ok!

- So it's safe to assume

That thing belongs to you?

- Mandy, you brought
trykie back to me!

You rock!

- Where'd you get
that tricycle, billy?

- From a weird kid in
a magic porto-potty.

Why do you ask?

- Stay right here.

- Where do you think
she's going, trykie?

Oh, oh!

I'll bet she's gonna
get her own tricycle

So we can all ride together.

- This the thing?

All right, let's see.

Yep. It's haunted.

- Haunted?

- You're positive?

- Yep.

It's got the mark of the beast.

- All right, grim.

You know what to do.

- Wait!

What do you mean
trykie's haunted?

- Your bike is possessed
by an evil force.

Do it.
- Right.

- Trykie didn't do
anything to deserve this.

He would never hurt anyone.

Trykie is cool like that.

- I beg to differ.

- Show him, irwin.

- I've got tire tracks
over 85% of my body.

- Those could have
come from anywhere.

- Well, what about me?

Look what your mean tricycle

Wrote on my full-body cast.

- Your pain has only begun.

I'll be back to finish the job.

You stink. Love, trykie.

That could be any trykie.

- All right, billy.

I didn't want you
to have to see this.

- Oh, my goodness!

- It's sperg.

Apparently he suffered
an irreversible

Super-mega wedgie.

- That could only
be done by... By...

- By a pair of handlebars.

- No!

Say it ain't true, trykie.

- Sorry, billy.

But I gotta do this
or else it could...

Sweet pig in a pot!

It's got me face!

My beautiful face!

- Trykie, stop!

Please stop!

- Aah! It's gone down me robe!

Ow! It bit me bony butt!

What the?!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

It's punching me kidneys, man!

- Trykie is a k*lling machine.

So, what am I gonna do, mandy?

- I thought you'd never ask.

- The agony!

- Hey, trykie!

You're just a big meanie!

You're not cool at all.

You're... Uncool!

- [Roars]

- Is it over?

- Trykie has left the building.

- I'm sorry, trykie.

- You're monkey people,
all of you!

- And thus our story ends.

If you've been paying attention,

It's because you're a nerd
with nothing better to do.

But what of billy, you ask?

Well, he got a new unicycle.

- I'll call you uni!

- And what of everyone else?

Who cares?

They bore the snot out of me.

The end!

♪♪♪

- [Backward voice]