(intense orchestral music)
(door creaks)
(intense orchestral
music continues)
(intense orchestral
music continues)
f*ckity-f*ck-f*ck-f*ck,
it's December 1st.
Christmas.
(bright upbeat music)
Tidy wrapped boxes
underneath green branches
What are the chances
it's December
The cold winds blowing
through mistletoe
And stockings afoot
now by the fireplace
But here's the thing
about Christmas
They say it don't
mean nothin'
Unless you got somebody
else to share it with
But I'm alone this Christmas
-And I will be okay
-(Grace sighs)
I'll have my own kinda
Special holiday
You'd think I'd be blue
Here without you
But I'm fine under the
colored lights here alone
Here alone
At Christmas time
(bright upbeat music continues)
Ooh-Oh
At Christmas time
(leaf blower whirring)
Ah, yes, morning. Every
day it comes again.
This morning thing and the days,
and the weeks fly by and then
bam, it's f*cking December.
(laughs) Do you want coffee?
Don't worry. Star made it
before he went on his hike.
I did make it perfectly clear
that I want absolutely nothing
to do with Christmas
this year, right?
f*ck Christmas. God, I
f*cking hate Christmas.
Bah humbug.
(laughs) I think I'll go
home for Christmas this year.
My mom's been bugging
me and it's been years,
and I can get a pretty good
price if I go the week before.
-Good. How are you two?
-Good.
I mean, lately, better
than we've ever been.
I mean, ever since
my dad's gone.
You know, when he was
around, it was always like,
"Oh, your father
doesn't wanna do this.
Your father doesn't
wanna do that."
Now she wants to do everything.
Last time I was home,
we went for sushi.
Ooh. Mom's eating fresh fish.
-So she's fully lezzed out now?
-(Jeffrey laughs)
These poor women, they
are brainwashed from birth
to spend their whole lives
taking care of their men,
and they completely forget
about their own lives.
It's bullshit.
This year, I just wanna
spend the holiday alone.
I wanna lay in bed and
be lazy and eat ice cream
and drink c*ck and
watch a ton of movies,
anything but that Christmas
crap they put out every year
on the Family Channel.
Ugh. They make like
30 of those a year.
-What the f*ck.
-I know. It's crazy.
Do you want, um, toast,
or, uh, croissant?
Croissant, please.
Will you grab the jam
for me from the fridge?
(glass clinking)
Thank you.
You know, (sighs)
I did watch a few of
those while I was sick.
-You did?
-Yeah, I'd be laying in bed,
and I didn't have the energy
to turn the channel
when it would come on.
They're all the
f*cking exact same.
It's, it's like some
handsome guy in New York City
or some beautiful, pretty girl,
and they swoop down
to the small town
and they're gonna
shut down the factory
or close the local paper,
but they meet the gorgeous local
and they hate each
other on first sight.
Of course.
And then there's always like
some festival or showcase
that's gonna save the
town from jeopardy.
Yeah, and there are those
horrible wandering around
singer people who are
singing Christmas carols.
-Carolers?
-Yes, carolers.
-Carolers.
-Carolers.
-Carolers.
-Carolers.
Carrolers. (laughs)
Oh, has Brendon said what
he's gonna do for Christmas?
So his boss, his old boss
from New York called.
They're in a bind, so they
said if he could come out,
and he's probably
gonna go out there.
Do you think he will?
I mean, he's thinking about it.
He's just really nervous
because it's like
your first Christmas back
together by yourself.
He doesn't want you to feel
alone, blah, blah, blah.
Well, we will fix that.
Brendon.
Jeffrey tells me you may have
a work opportunity.
Take it. Just be back
for New Year's Eve.
I want to be alone.
-(phone whooshes)
-There. Now that's handled.
Now, what is Star
doing for Christmas?
You really want us
gone, don't you?
Like out of the house, gone?
Like, you wanna be alone?
You want us gone, gone?
Out of the house. Okay.
I don't know. I guess I
could take him with me.
Maybe. I don't know.
Oh, yeah, that's a great idea.
I'm sure Barbara is just dying
to meet your young
poly boyfriend
and welcome him with open arms
while she sits there imagining
the three of you canoodling.
You're right. Maybe it's
not such a good idea.
I'm gonna go sit at the table
like a f*cking civilized person.
All right. I'll be right there.
Don't worry. I got this.
I waited tables. I should
be able to do this.
They call this the three
plate stack, Karen.
(gentle music)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(yawns) Mornin'.
(Grace sighs)
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, hey, um, morning.
I've made us some coffee
and, uh, there's some bagels.
[Grace] Nice. Thank you.
(dishes clattering)
So we're really not gonna
be talking about last night?
What's there left to say?
We both spilled our guts
and I'm just processing it.
[Grace] You really don't
wanna talk about it?
[Paul] And you
wanna talk about it
for hours and hours
on end, I know.
[Grace] You can't blame me.
[Paul] (scoffs) I'm
not. I'm not mad at you.
I, I'm processing
it and everything.
(traffic whooshing faintly)
Are you in love with Star?
(energetic music)
(birds chirping)
(Paul stammers)
You know, I really need
to get ready for work.
When you're ready to
talk, really talk,
call me, text me,
whatever you need to do.
You, you never told me
you wanted to see women.
You told me you slept
with a woman once.
True, and I'm sorry,
but, and this is a big but,
you did something
completely behind my back.
I thought we were
on a break. (sighs)
(birds chirping)
(Grace sighs)
(bright music)
f*ck.
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
(Charlie moaning)
(Charlie panting and laughing)
(bright music continues)
(Charlie sighs)
(phone dings)
Oh, well they don't need
me today, so I'm off.
And it's December 1st,
which is the first day
of the Christmas season,
and I'm excited
because this is our
first Christmas together,
and don't get upset, but
I may have already started
buying you Christmas presents
and going a little crazy.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. (laughs)
This isn't one of
those I have to buy you
as many Christmas
presents as you buy me?
No, no, no. I just, I love you.
-(Charlie cackles)
-(Tom groans)
-You're k*lling me.
-(Charlie growls)
Am I too heavy?
(Charlie growls)
Do you not want all of this?
-I want all of this,
-(Charlie laughs)
-But don't k*ll me.
-(Charlie laughs and sighs)
I wanna do something fun today.
You know, kind of make up
for everything, and you know.
I mean, it all started when
he couldn't get his meds.
He just freaked out. He
was like, "f*ck you."
And he got in the car
and he, he peeled off,
and he just left me in
the middle of nowhere.
-Oh f*ck. Oh f*ck!
-(tires screeching)
(bright music continues)
It's okay. I'm fine.
Honestly, that was weeks ago,
and you don't need to
keep bringing it up.
Okay.
-(camera snapping)
-(energetic music)
(phone ringing)
-Hello?
-Hey Roberta.
I think I got some great news.
-Oh, hey Alvin.
-Okay.
I just got a call from a
production company in Paris,
and it's looking for
someone exactly like you,
and they would want
you to come to Paris.
Are you kidding me? Paris?
[Alvin] Now, we haven't
got the contracts yet.
But would you be able to,
I know it's a holiday
and everything.
Are you, Paris?
Me? Now?
Christmas in Paris? Oh,
yes, yes, I'm available.
Tell them Yes.
So what kind of
tree do you want?
We could do like a, I
don't know, Douglas fir
or pink or flocked
or real or fake.
I mean, I don't really care,
but as a kid,
always a real tree.
And, but it was kind of this
awkward thing where, you know,
we'd go to the tree store,
and then my mom wanted
the perfect tree,
but she can never
find the perfect tree,
so then it took forever.
And then my dad
would get really mad
and then they'd get
into this huge fight,
and then we'd end up in the
car ride home in silence,
and it was awkward,
to say the least.
Yeah. Okay, let's
not do any of that.
Yeah. Let's not do that.
Ooh, well, I scarfed that
down. I used to be so ladylike.
I'd take teeny little
bites and savor every one,
and I ate that like
it was my last meal.
For a while there we
thought it might be.
(laughs) You know,
I think I'm starting
to understand our g*y kin
in the '80s and '90s a bit more.
What do you mean?
-Uh, more coffee?
-Yes, please.
They didn't think there was
gonna be another tomorrow,
so they kind of just
lived in the moment.
They spent their life savings.
-(phone dings)
-They met...
Oh my f*cking God.
Do you remember Jerry?
Jerry? (laughs) Jerry Vance?
Broadway star, celebrity?
Of course. How could I forget?
What did he say?
Well, uh, apparently he is
in town through December
for a project and he
wants to get together.
Well, you're gonna
say no, right?
Yes, of course.
Why would I want to bring
that back into my life?
All the despair and heartache
and anger and drama,
and did I say anger?
Yes you did.
But I think that pretty
much says it all.
You're still angry.
Well, you're damn
right I'm still angry.
He ghosted me? Is that
what the kids are saying?
He did a lot more
than ghost you.
I mean, he drove
you f*cking crazy.
Which, in turn, drove us
all crazy too, by the way.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Did my relationship issues
cause you boys grief?
Like I don't listen to
your sh*t all the time.
You're right, you're
right. I'm sorry.
Uh, what were you saying before
when I was getting the coffee?
Oh, um, well (sighs)
I was saying that I had just
sort of given up on life
and I wasn't sure I was
still gonna be around
and maybe wouldn't
be here anymore.
(Jeffrey laughs)
I got it.
So you are a crazy,
insane-a*s woman who we love.
-Right?
-(Karen scoffs)
-'Til the end, babe.
-'Til the end.
(cups clink)
Hey, picnic?
Yeah, Echo Park.
Nice. All right, well have fun.
That's Star.
[Tom] You doing okay?
Uh, I don't know.
(sighs) I just, I'm not
saying that I'm giving up,
but part of me
just feels like...
Wants to?
Well, we still have that sofa
available if you need it.
[Star] Thanks.
-Take care of yourself.
-Yeah.
He's right, you know.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-How was your hike?
-Good.
Yeah, so I gotta go to work, so.
Uh, where do you work?
Oh, the Columbia on Sunset.
It's just part-time.
Good. Now we finally
know where you work.
'Cause you sure didn't.
Okay.
You're a b*tch, you know that?
(water splashing)
(water splashing continues)
Are you coming tonight?
Oh, uh, you mean for Darcy?
-She's an amazing artist.
-Yeah. I love her work.
I'm sure it's gonna
be a great night.
Uh, I feel like I do not
have a place here anymore.
Everything's changed,
and we've got to figure
out what to do from here.
-(birds chirping)
-You are so beautiful.
This is your place.
Maybe my friend from work will
let me move back in with her.
(sighs) It's all so f*cked up.
I know.
I can't, I can't do this.
I'm not mad.
I'm sad.
(Paul sighs)
-(birds chirping)
-(footsteps tapping)
(car door slams)
(Grace cries out)
(Grace sobbing)
-(gentle music)
-(photos clatter)
(paper rustling)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(knock raps on door)
-Grace.
-Hi.
Sorry I didn't text or
call before knocking.
Um, um,
Paul, um...
All right, come in.
(gentle music continues)
Well, um, you may
as well sit down.
Can I get you anything?
Some iced tea?
That would be great.
(footsteps tapping)
You're making a vision board?
Don't be ridiculous.
I would never make
a vision board.
Cutting out pictures
of things I like
and gluing them to
a piece of cardboard
so I can look at them.
(bright music)
I guess we're talking in here.
Yeah.
So how are you?
Everything is really f*cked.
Let me remind you, I
am not a therapist.
Yeah, but do you mind
if I lay down? Thanks.
Literally, I'm at
a place in my life
where everything
is falling apart.
How does that make you feel?
I'm sorry, Karen.
I, I know we don't know
each other in that way,
and I came in while you were...
-I had cancer.
-Right, cancer.
I just need someone to talk to.
I just need someone to listen
to me while I talk it out.
I guess I should be
writing something down.
You know what wasn't very cool
is you didn't have a
conversation with Grace.
You, you went and did
something behind her back.
You're right. I f*cked
up. I was scared.
So you had somebody
that you could talk to.
It wasn't your
mother or your father
or somebody who would judge you,
it was this wonderful,
beautiful girl.
And, and you said she
even had experience
dating someone of the same sex,
didn't you, isn't
that what you told me?
Ah, right. (sighs)
Did not see this coming.
You didn't want to
see this coming.
I saw it coming the
minute I met him.
He's from a small town,
strict parents who wouldn't
have been supportive
whether he were
g*y or bi or fluid,
and then he finally
opens up a little,
he gets himself a little Star.
And you know, I'm not
a therapist, right,
so I just say it like I see it.
Yeah. You're right.
You need to sit down, figure
out what it is you wanna do,
and have an open, honest,
heartfelt conversation.
So right. (sighs)
Maybe I need to be by myself.
Do whatever it takes to heal.
-Got it.
-The past is the past.
What you do now is the present,
and that is going to
inform your future.
Can I please get back to
cutting up things I love?
(bright music continues)
If I can come back
from f*cking nowhere,
you can do anything.
-Thank you.
-(gentle music)
[Karen] You're gonna be fine.
Ugh, this is so weird.
I feel like I just got
back from New York,
and now I gotta go back again?
It's so annoying. You're
gonna be all right, right?
Right?
Right, right, yes. You're fine.
I told you I don't want
anybody here for Christmas.
I, I am not even gonna decorate.
I'll be fine. I
just wanna be alone.
Got it. Well, you know
where I'm gonna be.
We'll chat every day.
Honey, you don't have to
chat with me every day.
I'll be fine.
And it's not like
when I had cancer
and I didn't hear from you
for months, for years, I...
-What?
-Nothing.
Oh my God.
Jeffrey told me that Jerry
Vance got in touch with you.
He wants to see you?
I know. Crazy, right?
You're not gonna see him, right?
No, of course not. Why would
I wanna see Jerry Vance?
Even though the sex
was pretty amazing.
Yeah, you said the
sex was amazing,
but you also said that
he was really crazy.
You're not gonna see him, right?
Look, he's not crazy. He's
just a, a big personality.
-What?
-I said yes.
I'm not going to.
You're not really gonna
see him, right? Say it.
Okay. Okay.
I said I'm not going to.
-Don't do it.
-Yes. I won't.
Do me a favor.
Promise me you're not gonna
see Jerry Vance, okay?
Yes. I said yes.
So, crazy and insane,
it's too much.
-Crazy plus insane, too much.
-Yes. I said yes.
Okay, Karen, sh*t, I gotta go.
Listen, before I go, I
need you to promise me
that you're not gonna
see Jerry Vance.
-Okay.
-Okay what?
-Okay. I won't see him.
-Who?
-Jerry Vance.
-Okay.
Now listen, remember
I'm just gonna New York
for a little bit, just
to make some money,
work with the event planner
so I can come back and be set
up for a few months, okay?
-I love you.
-Yes, I know,
and have a safe flight, and
text me when you get there
and you are coming back, right?
-You promise?
-Promise. For New Years.
Okay, now get the
f*ck outta here.
-f*ck you.
-No, f*ck you.
-No, f*ck you.
-f*ck you.
f*ck you!
(door slams)
(gentle music)
(door squeaks)
(gentle music continues)
(traffic whooshing)
[Make-Up Artist] Are you okay?
I texted an old girlfriend
to see if she wanted
to get together,
and she hasn't
gotten back to me.
Ah, you know, with
Christmas coming up,
I, I don't know a lot of
people here in LA so I just-
[Production Member] Mr.
Vance, we need you on set.
Thank you.
Doll, could you just
contour my chin line
just a little bit more?
-Ah, there it is.
-There.
Jerry Vance is in the house.
Let's do this thing.
[Make-Up Artist] You
look gorgeous. Get going.
Thanks doll.
(knock raps on door)
Alright. What the
f*ck did you forget?
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
it was somebody else.
You're fine, Karen, how are you?
I'm fine.
Brendon just left for New York
and Jeffrey's going down
to his mom's in two days,
and I don't know what
the f*ck Star's doing.
I told everybody I wanted 'em
out of the house for Christmas.
I wanna spend it alone.
Yeah, you mentioned that
quite a few times, actually.
-Sorry.
-(Clint laughs)
-How's Dr. Ramirez?
-She's, she's good.
-Nice.
-Yeah.
And what's going on
with you and Roberta?
Oh, I don't know.
You don't know?
Yeah, I mean, (sighs)
things were good for
a while, you know?
We went out on
quite a few dates,
and I don't know,
she's just busy now.
Always at some premier or
some big festival or filming.
I don't know.
Yeah, well, maybe
it's just not a match.
I mean, you can't
force feelings.
I know I set you two up, but-
Yeah, and thank you for that,
'cause, I mean, you were right.
Everything is so good on paper.
She's smart and
kind and creative.
You two could just be
friends. We're friends.
Well, thank you Karen.
You know, I'd wanna
be your friend
even if I wasn't paid to
come give you your shots.
(laughs) Thank you.
Uh, speaking of, how much more
of this are we gonna need?
Oh, um, shouldn't
be too much longer.
I mean, it's kind of like a
monitor-and-see type of thing.
Next week, you'll go in and
you'll get your blood taken,
and that'll give us some more
information to see what's up.
Mm. Vampires.
(laughs) Well it is a
pleasure as always, Karen.
(gentle music)
We'll see you again soon.
(doorbell buzzes)
(energetic music)
-Hi.
-Hi.
(energetic music continues)
(energetic music continues)
(energetic music continues)
(Paul gasping)
(Paul gasping)
f*ck. Oh.
(Paul breathing heavily)
(energetic music continues)
(energetic music continues)
-Ah, that was fun.
-Yeah.
-(phone dings)
-Oh, hold on.
-Okay, don't get upset.
-What?
See?
-Oh my God.
-(twinkling music)
It is like, we're gonna
have to take two trips.
-I'm sorry. Got it?
-Yeah.
I think I might be
falling in love with you.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to add
-any more confusion.
-No, no, it's okay.
It's okay, um.
Maybe you should stay
here for a little while.
So you guys are fully broken up?
Yeah.
(Tom sighs)
We'll send back anything
that you don't like.
Just please forgive me?
-Okay.
-Okay.
I'm sorry.
Now let me set the mood.
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Alright, here we go.
'Tis the season to be jolly
-Cheers, sweetheart.
-Cheers.
-Ugh, that is horrible.
-(Charlie laughs)
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
(both laugh)
[Tom] Hey, I like it.
Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
See the blazing
yule before us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Strike the harp
and join the chorus
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
So what do you think?
I actually love it.
-(laughs) Good.
(Charlie growls)
While I tell of
yuletide treasures
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Fast away the
old year passes
-Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
-(birds chirping)
Hail the new year,
lads and lasses
-Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
-Mm, you smell good.
Oh sh*t, I forgot
something. Hold on.
Heedless of the
wind and weather
Perfect.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
-(bright music)
-(birds chirping)
(gentle music continues)
(bag rustling)
[Karen] Star?
Morning.
(gentle music continues)
Well, hello baby. I haven't
seen you in a while.
Where have you been?
I've been staying
over at Paul's.
(laughs) That's what I thought.
Listen honey, would you
please make me a cup of coffee
and then maybe we
could chat a little?
I just kind of wanna
check in with you.
God, I don't know why
nobody in this house
seems to be able to make
a decent cup of coffee.
-Mm.
-And yours is always so good.
-Yeah.
-What's your secret baby?
Oh, just put too
much in it. (laughs)
(laughs) Well, it's perfect.
Mm, thank you.
Now I just wanted to have
a little sit down with you.
I wanted to say thank you,
'cause I haven't personally
and individually told you
how grateful I am for
the way you stepped up
when I was so ill.
I wasn't quite sure
what to do with you
when we first entered our
little family dynamic,
but you've been so
sweet and so wonderful.
I've really fallen
in love with you.
And you've made
Jeffrey so happy,
especially after the way
Brendon just up and left.
That as*h*le.
And I know it can't
be easy for you,
the way he's just popped back in
as if everything's all normal.
Yeah.
I just, like, I'm so
confused, like, I,
I just feel like I'm just
being tossed aside, you know?
Like I, I, I was the one
that took care of you.
I took care of Jeffrey
after Brandon left,
and now that he's back...
(sighs) Well, just know
that I am here for you.
And I understand.
I know this is a super
f*cked up situation.
-(gentle music)
-Thank you.
(Star sighs)
-(gentle music continues)
-Okay.
(Star sighs)
-(gentle music continues)
-f*ck.
Where's a g*dd*mn joint
when you need one?
(birds chirping)
(gentle music continues)
(phone ringing)
(phone ringing)
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hi. How are you?
-I'm good. Yeah, good.
Uh, can I, uh, can I
talk to you for a minute?
Do you wanna meet up?
Um, I'm a little busy right now.
I have time around 5:00,
if you wanna meet then.
-(traffic whooshing)
-(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
Um, I wanted to talk to you.
I know I've been distant,
and it's just, I've been
trying to focus on my career,
and I just got a call
for a job in Paris, and-
Wow that's-
It's gonna be over the holidays.
That's amazing. Um,
congratulations.
It's what you've
always wanted, right?
Yes, it is.
I mean, I still
can't believe it.
(passersby laughing)
Mm, which is why I wanted
to tell you in person.
I'm gonna be super crazed
for the next few weeks,
and I just, I think it'd,
I think it'd be better
if we stayed friends.
I mean, I think you're super
sweet and you're amazing
and you're kind and you're
cute and everything.
I, I just don't think
we can move forward.
And I, I just have to be
completely honest with myself.
And I don't know, maybe I feel
like you have been distant,
or there's a block in you
and you're not being
100% honest or real.
Well, I, I think,
I feel I have been honest
with you about my emotions,
and I feel like I,
I'm the vulnerable one
out of the two of us,
and I, I've been open,
and it's something that
we've really connected on,
which I feel is important,
but I mean, as much
as I hate to say it,
I feel like we are
two different people
at the end of the day.
And that sucks, 'cause
I wanted us to work.
So I, I think we just,
we need a clean break, you
know? I, I, I should go. (sighs)
(Roberta sighs)
See, I was right.
(bright music)
(water splashing)
(stove clicking)
(pasta rattling)
(knock raps on door)
Who the f*ck is that?
So.
-Thank you, Karen.
-You're welcome.
-When are you leaving?
-Tomorrow.
I haven't even packed yet.
I didn't have a passport,
so they had to pay
extra for me to get one.
It comes tomorrow.
Damn. What time is your flight?
4:00 PM.
Babe, that's cutting
it a bit f*cking close.
I know.
So what happened with Clint?
I felt like it wasn't
going anywhere,
and I didn't wanna drag it,
so I told him I was
leaving and all of that.
How did he take it?
He was really sad.
You wanna know what I think?
-No.
-I think you ended it
before it could go anywhere,
but because you were afraid
that he was gonna end it,
and doing it that way
kept you in charge.
-(objects clunking)
-Maybe.
Yes, more than maybe.
Jeffrey, what the hell
are you doing in there?
[Jeffrey] Packing. I
go see my mom tomorrow.
Oh, that's right. Yes.
That means this Christmas,
I will be spending
it f*cking alone.
Brendon's in New York. Jeffrey
will be with his mother.
Um, Star is shacked
up with Paul.
The entire house will be mine.
Yes, it's just how I wanted it.
And I will be sleeping in the
big bed while you're gone.
Now back to you.
Clint is a good guy. I get it.
You're just protecting yourself,
but love is never easy.
It never has been, and
it is never gonna be.
I think we need a little
shot of something.
Tequila?
Okay, yes.
(gentle music)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(Tom yawns)
(gentle music continues)
-Merry Christmas!
-(Charlie laughs)
Almost.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
I forgot to turn the
bedroom music off.
-Mm.
-Or I'm not sorry,
'cause it woke you
up, and I love you.
(both laugh)
-Well, thank you.
-Yeah.
You know, I've been inspired
by your zeal for Christmas.
-Oh really?
-Yeah.
-Do you want eggs?
-Yeah, that'd be great.
-Thanks.
-Oh, here.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
So I'm writing a Christmas song.
-(laughs) That's awesome.
-Yeah.
-What's it called?
-It's called "h* h* h*m*."
(laughs) Oh my god.
That's ridiculous.
But it's amazing, and I
can't wait to hear it.
-Thank you.
-(Charlie laughs)
(phone buzzes)
Dude. I can't believe this.
I'm getting so many subscribers.
This is wild. Like, I'm
actually making money of this.
-Look.
-Well of course.
Sexy cub like you and little
boot shorts and nothing else,
talking about what's going
on in your day and sh*t.
Yeah. It's, like, exhausting.
I don't know what to say.
It's like, what am I gonna...
-I'll show 'em-
-Hello.
I'll show him the ornaments!
-Duh. (laughs)
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Look at my house.
It is So Christmas-ied up.
Look, pink, and it's so
cute, and it's so nice.
I am so excited for
Christmas this year,
and I've got some
Christmas music coming out,
so be ready for that.
I mean, that was stupid, right?
-I was such an idiot.
-(laughs) That was great.
Mm, you're perfect.
Thank you.
Mm. I love you.
(birds chirping)
Jeffrey. Jeffrey.
You're leaving without
hugging me goodbye?
I gotta go to the airport.
-Mm, mm.
-Bye.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas, baby.
(door clicks)
Finally. (sighs)
Now what?
(Karen gaps)
Jerry,
how the hell are you?
(phone dings)
Don't do it. You hear me?
How?
(gentle music)
So, how you feeling?
(sighs) Confused.
It's all so crazy,
you know? I just...
Just know I, I do
have feelings for you.
I'm just, I'm confused.
-I don't-
-No pressure.
Maybe I shouldn't have
told you how I was feeling.
It's okay.
That is as honest as
I can be though now.
And I do know one thing.
-What's that?
-I don't want to be a third.
-Hi mom.
-Well, hello my love.
What's wrong?
Paul and I have split.
[Grace's Mom] Oh, sweetheart.
Star, remember Star, the
guy I was telling you about?
He's living here now and...
[Grace's Mom] Come
home for Christmas.
That way we can figure
it all out together.
Do we have a theme?
-Uh.
-You don't even know.
You don't even know
what's in here.
(Paul laughs)
-I got jingle bells.
-Nice.
Let's put these up.
Hey, they don't have little
things to hang them from though.
Um, I think you
just put them on.
(Paul and Star speaking faintly)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
Looks good.
[Star] Hey, do you want
some wine or something?
-Yes.
-Yeah?
(Star speaks faintly)
Thank you.
(group speaking
faintly and laughing)
(gentle music continues)
(group speaking
faintly and laughing)
(Paul laughs)
-Oh! Too hot.
-Oh.
-Do a twirl.
-(gentle music continues)
Mm-hmm.
-(Paul laughs)
-You wanna try it on?
-Sure.
-(gentle music continues)
(Star speaks faintly)
-Okay.
-Cheers.
(gentle music continues)
-Come in, come in.
-Hi.
Oh, you look amazing.
I like to look cute when I fly.
You never know who
you might meet.
True. So true.
I always do.
One time I had on this miniskirt
and this tube top and
I ran into Tommy Tune
and Richard Simmons
on my way to New York,
and they invited me
to this wild party,
but I really don't remember
anything after that.
But, but anyway, knock 'em dead.
Oh, thank you.
I'm really nervous.
Actually, a lot nervous.
Honey, you'll be amazing.
-Thank you.
-(car honking)
Oh, that's my car.
-Okay, bye. Bye.
-Bye. (kisses) Bye.
(bright music)
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
-(bright music continues)
-(Karen sighs)
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
[Movie Character] Oh my God.
Did you hear that
they're not going to have
the pageant this year?
I can't believe it. What
are the kids going do?
-Ugh, who writes this sh*t?
-(movie continues faintly)
Just sell a f*cking kidney
on the black market,
or become a stripper or,
or have nasty-a*s sex
with that hot hunk from the
city and he'll cover everything.
Oh, f*ck it. I
don't give a sh*t.
(festive music plays)
(blankets rustling)
(gentle music)
We wish you a
merry Christmas
Wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a
merry Christmas
Where the f*ck
did you come from?
We wish you a
merry Christmas
We wish you a
merry Christmas
We wish you a
merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
We wish you a
merry Christmas
We wish you a
merry Christmas
We wish you a
merry Christmas
And a happy new year
Jerry Vance?
Karen?
Karen!
Oh my God,
it is great to see you.
You look amazing.
Thank you. I do?
They may not have
the Christmas pageant
in the park this year.
For some reason, they
say there's no money.
You have gotta be f*cking
kidding me. (sighs)
-No.
-Christmas
We wish you a
merry Christmas
And a happy new year
We wish you a
merry Christmas
(intense music)
(Karen sighs)
(knock raps on door)
Oh my God. I forgot
you were coming.
It's so nice to see you.
-Come in.
-Always a pleasure, Karen.
Come in.
(Clint speaks softly)
So what are you
doing for Christmas?
Oh, um, probably same as always,
go back to my parents
in Newport Beach.
You know, just behind
the Orange Curtain.
Well, that sounds nice.
Do you have any
more clients today?
Or maybe you're a little
hungry? You wanna drink?
You could hang out
for a little while?
Am I sensing a little
bit of cabin fever?
-You're God damn right.
-(Clint laughs)
Okay. Slight pinch.
Very good.
You know, I thought being
alone was gonna be amazing,
but I'm just so used to having
a lot of people around, I guess.
Yeah, well, I mean, I was
about to go get lunch,
if you wanted to come with me.
I could whip something up for us
so we could have it out on the
patio with a glass of wine?
Oh, well, twist my
arm, why don't ya?
-Mm.
-(gentle music)
That was amazing.
I mean, Roberta always told
me that you were a cook,
but my good...
I'm sorry, chef.
Oh, honey, cook is fine.
I'm not fancy about it.
That's all I was until Brendon
started the events business,
and then he was like,
"You're gonna cook."
And I did, and it
worked, and here we are.
-Here we are.
-You know,
I grew up in a family
with a lot of siblings,
and my mother was
a terrible cook,
so one day I just
decided I'd take it over
and do the cooking myself.
And I always thought my
really religious family
was disappointed in me,
but cooking made up
for it a little bit.
It, it took the
attention off me.
I was always in the
kitchen making the meals.
So how was your childhood?
Oh gosh, that is a
loaded question. (laughs)
Uh, my childhood was
pretty good, I'd say.
My mom was amazing.
My dad was in and
out, a little bit.
Kind of a rollercoaster
of emotions,
but let me see, I always
loved playing nurse as a kid.
Shocker, I know. (laughs)
And then down the line,
I started discovering
my sexuality
and I came out to my mom,
and she took it really,
really well, which was great.
We talked about
boys left and right,
and that was kind of our
favorite pastime for a while,
and then it turned into
more than just boys for me,
which kind of confused
her a little bit.
She's not too comfortable
with the fluid part of it,
but she always says this
famous mantra or motto
of I may not
understand everything,
but I love my son just the same.
-Oh.
-It's cheesy.
No, I, I think it can be
hard for people sometimes
when it's not black or white.
They just, they
want it to be either
you're g*y or you're straight,
and if it's anything
outside of that,
it kind of short circuits
their motherboard.
And how about your father,
if he's still in the picture?
Yeah. Yeah, he's
still in the picture.
Um, it's a bit of a rocky
relationship, kind of in and out.
But things are good now.
It's kind of the whole
like, don't ask don't tell
kind of situation, which
weirdly works for us.
-So.
-That's good.
And, and your mother
sounds amazing.
Yeah, she is.
So, um, Roberta told
me you're not really
into the whole Christmas thing.
Well, that's kind
of complicated.
I mean, I, I told you I grew up
in this super religious family,
so they told us right away
that Santa Claus was not real,
and the reason
for the season was
our Lord and Savior
Jesus Christ.
It was just a lot of
going to church constantly
and praying, praying,
praying for the world,
praying for our family,
praying for our sins.
And of course, when I finally
came out as a trans woman,
or I guess I should say,
when my pastor outed
me to my parents.
How, how did that happen?
Well, the f*ck just kept
asking me and asking me,
and I, I was terrified, so
I didn't wanna say anything.
And then he's like, "If you
lie to me, God will tell me."
And, and that really scared me,
so I told him, and he
immediately told my parents.
And then he told us
that we were no longer
welcome at church.
And, and all those people we
had known for all those years
wouldn't talk to us anymore.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
How did your parents
react to all of it?
Well, they, they never
really talked to me about it.
You know, they just
kind of went on,
and, uh, I could tell
they still loved me.
And it's kind of weird because
we never talked about it,
but they, they never
got any less religious,
so we still just prayed and
prayed and prayed a lot.
And, uh, mom would read the
scriptures every Sunday,
and I hated it,
but I always found
solace in the cooking
and in playing my fiddle.
(laughs) I'm sorry, fiddle?
I, I, I don't mean
to laugh, I just,
I don't see you as
much of a fiddle gal.
Well, I was, and
I was good at it.
And before we got shunned,
I would play in church,
and I'd have these moments
of rapturous euphoria,
everybody clapping,
and I did love that.
Do you still play at all?
I don't, really, and
I don't know why.
I guess life just happened.
Life has a funny way
of doing that to ya.
Oh, I'm surprised, honestly,
that you didn't get into
the whole Christmas thing
as an adult, you know,
the Christmas trees,
the lights everywhere,
the fun music,
you know, just the
joyous celebration,
especially since you were so
deprived as a kid from it.
Yeah, I guess, I guess
I just still have
all that horrible
programming in my brain.
It's really f*cked up.
Yeah, well, hey, just
know it is never too late
to reprogram.
You know, you deserve
all the joy in the world,
and nobody is going
to strip you of that,
-not on my watch, okay?
-Well, thank you.
-Cheers to you.
-Cheers.
-And to us.
-Yes.
Hmm.
Barbara, Santa Claus
knows everything,
whether you've been good or
bad, so you better be good.
So you understand,
Barbara. (sighs)
Barbara, what a strange
name for a child.
Barbara, Santa Claus
knows everything,
whether you've been bad or good,
so you better be good.
Do you understand. Barbara?
-What is she an idiot?
-(stylist laughs)
These aren't even the
lyrics from the song.
Clarice, Santa Claus
knows everything,
whether you've been bad or good.
So you better be good
Clarice, do you understand?
This should be a horror film.
Hey, have you heard from
your old girlfriend yet?
Can you believe it? No.
I guess she doesn't
wanna see me.
But was it a good breakup?
Well, yes.
I mean, I, I, I, I think so.
I mean, I, I, I do remember
she's the one that
broke up with me.
I think, maybe I, I dunno.
You know, I am just
going to text her again,
because tomorrow's
Christmas Eve,
and I don't want to be alone.
-Yeah.
-Hey, Karen,
it's me again.
Christmas Eve would be fun
to get together and catch up.
-Good.
-Love Jerry.
Uh, do you think
love's too much?
[Make-Up Artist] It's all right.
No, I'm not gonna, it's fine.
-Send.
-(phone whooshes)
Or maybe I should
have put XO or XX,
one of those emojis, you know,
with the heart kiss face
thing coming out of the,
the cat with two heart eyes.
Enough already. Enough.
You're right. You're right.
I should just be concentrating
on making movie magic, right?
Let's do this thing. Are
they ready for me yet?
(bright music)
(bright music continues)
(Karen inhales sharply)
Oh f*ck. It's f*cking
Christmas Eve day?
(phone dings)
Hey everybody, I'm
coming back from New York
to surprise Karen
tomorrow morning.
So I'll see y'all soon.
Merry f*cking Christmas!
Mom! Open the door!
Come help me with these.
[TV Announcer] Next,
"Christmas on the Farm,"
starring Jerry Vance
and Natalie Storm.
Jerry Vance? I didn't
know he did some of these.
-f*ck it.
-(festive music plays)
(bright music)
God damn it.
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
Merry f*ck' Christmas.
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
(glass clinks)
Can I please get back to
cutting up things I love?
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
I miss my family.
Hi, all.
Wishing you
a f*ckity-f*ck-f*ck
Christmas Eve.
I love you all and I miss you.
(phone whooshes)
f*ck it. (sighs)
Jerry. How the hell are you?
What the f*ck? Sure.
Come on over tonight.
We'll catch up.
It will be great to see you.
-(phone whooshes)
-(sighs) Bullshit.
(phone dings)
Oh my God.
-Okay then. Address please.
-(phone whooshes)
Driver, we'll be making a stop.
(bright music continues)
-(bright music continues)
-(Karen sighs)
(bright music continues)
Jingle ba*ls, jingle ba*ls
(Jerry hums)
(gentle music)
(knock raps on door)
Come in.
(knock raps on door)
Come in.
f*ck.
(gentle music continues)
Wow. How the hell are you?
Karen. Wow.
So good to see you.
You look great.
Why don't you come on in, Jerry.
Ah. (laughs)
(bells jingling)
Merry Christmas.
Oh, a Christmas
plant, my favorite.
They're silk.
That means you can
use them every year.
Why don't you just set
these down somewhere?
Okay.
Oh, no, no, not there.
Uh.
Definitely not there.
-Okay.
-Oh, not there.
Any suggestions?
Um, just set 'em on the hearth.
Okay.
Perfect.
Ooh, and, uh, that
bottle you brought,
-(Jerry laughs)
-I was thinking I could, uh,
we could use a
little drinky-poo.
Great. Champagne flutes?
In the kitchen.
Oh, um, I, I guess
I'll go find them.
-Good, good.
-Yeah. (sighs)
(glass shatters)
-I'll get you new ones.
-Don't worry about it.
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
There you are.
(Jerry sighs)
Let's do this.
(gentle music continues)
Mm-hmm.
(Jerry sighs)
Here, hand it over.
(bottle pops)
(gentle music continues)
-To old times.
-To old times.
-(Jerry sighs)
-Thirsty?
Karen, may I be frank with you?
Please.
(sighs) I've,
for some strange
reason, I, I just get...
(sighs) I don't know, Karen,
you just petrify me.
I mean, I'm, I, I,
I get tongue tied,
I get nervous, I get excited.
I, I, I just don't understand.
-(glass clinking)
-(liquid pouring)
(gentle music continues)
I'm a very successful actor.
I have a Tony, a fricking Tony.
I just co-starred in a
major motion picture.
I have a television series,
and for some reason,
you make me crumble.
Is that why you've
always been so obnoxious?
(sighs) Well, I, I hope
I haven't been that bad,
but, but yes. I'm not
myself around you.
Well, honey, why didn't
you f*ck' tell me?
There is no reason for you to
be uncomfortable around me.
I used to go see you on stage,
and you, you were amazing.
Wow. Really?
Tell me more.
I would go sit at the bar,
and you would come out on stage
in, in practically
nothing, looking amazing,
and you would sing
like nobody else.
And the crowd, (sighs)
they would go wild, screaming.
I never told you this?
And I was nobody.
I mean, (laughs) I couldn't
get a, a, an audition.
I couldn't get a job anywhere.
But this one night,
after the show,
you came out and you
sat at the bar stool,
my special bar stool,
right next to me.
-I did?
-Yeah.
And you said, "Oh, hello."
(laughs) And I
bought you a, a drink
with the last $5 I
had in my wallet.
You were so nice.
I, I, I, I, I cannot believe
I've, I've never told you this.
You asked me how I was.
And I told you,
um, nothing was happening.
I couldn't get anything going,
and I was, I was
ready to pack it in.
And you looked me
straight in the eye,
and you said, "Never give up.
Someone who gives
up gets nowhere."
That was everything. It
meant everything to me.
That, you know, it's like
a, a light bulb went off,
and then, then that
whole Oprah moment.
And it wasn't too
much longer after that
that I got my first
Broadway role.
And I felt worthy enough
to reach back out to you
and ask you for a date.
Wow. Everything is
starting to make sense now.
You know, why don't we
do something about it?
You are looking pretty hot.
(laughs) Really?
Sure, why not? I haven't
had sex in about six years.
(coughs) Six years?
It's a long story, and
if we're gonna do this,
I think I need a little
bit more to drink.
(glass clinking)
(Jerry laughs)
Mm.
And now I'm going to go
change into something
a little more comfortable.
(Jerry sighs)
Eh-heh.
(Jerry laughing)
-(fabric rips)
-(Jerry groans)
(gentle music)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
Karen?
Jerry Vance?
Karen?
Karen.
Hello Brendon. Is it
New Year's already?
Why, why is Jerry Vance
passed out in the other room?
-Who?
-Jerry Vance.
Jerry Vance.
(Karen breathing deeply)
(Brendon sighs)
(Jerry groans)
(Brendon sighs)
(traffic rumbling faintly)
(liquid pouring)
Hey g*ng. I've arrived home.
I'm gonna run to the store
to get dinner fixings.
Just wondering if
anyone is coming.
Merry f*cking Christmas,
exclamation point, exclamation
point, exclamation point.
-(phone whooshes)
-(bright music)
(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
(laughs) Hey.
(bright music continues)
-Oh.
-Yeah. Great.
-Hey!
-Hey! (laughs)
-So nice to see you.
-Good to see you.
Gotta get my hood.
(group speaking faintly)
-Hey!
-Hey, guys.
-Hey!
-Hey!
-(bright music continues)
-(group chatting faintly)
-(group chatting faintly)
-(bright music continues)
(bright music continues)
(group chattering and laughing)
(bright music continues)
(group chattering and
laughing continues)
(bright music continues)
(group chattering and
laughing continues)
Holy f*ck, you all came
home for Christmas.
-(group cheers)
-(gentle music)
Jerry Vance, What the
hell are you doing here?
That's exactly
what I was asking.
You invited me.
We talked, it was amazing,
and I don't remember
anything after that,
but apparently my pants
fell off. (laughs)
Oh, that's nice. Wait,
it is coming back to me.
You were explaining
why you always used to
be such a d*uche bag.
He was nervous and
overcompensating.
Well, I mean, I guess
that makes sense, right?
Hey, don't worry about it.
Merry Christmas, okay? Welcome
to the Manzanita house.
(group laughs)
So Karen, what are
we calling this?
Uh, f*ckity-f*ck-f*ck Christmas?
All right, merry
-f*ckity-f*ck-f*ck Christmas.
-f*ckity-f*ck-f*ck Christmas!
-(group cheering)
-I think you might wanna
button up your shirt.
Alright, everybody listen up.
I'm gonna go get some
food and prepare dinner.
Go back to your
respective apartments,
get the hell outta here,
and I'll call you
when it's done, okay?
All right, regroup.
Hey, uh, Star, why don't
you come out with me?
We need to talk
for a little bit.
-Okay.
-Okay?
-(gentle music continues)
-(group whispering)
(birds chirping)
This has gotta be really
uncomfortable for you,
I, I, I can feel that.
I can see it. I understand.
It's an awkward situation
and I understand
that you don't really wanna
do this anymore, am I right?
Yeah, that's...
I don't wanna share
Jeffrey, okay?
So yeah, it's really
f*ck' shitty.
It is shitty.
Did you tell Jeffrey
how you feel?
He knows I'm unhappy.
I guess you're
staying at Paul's?
(Star sighs)
Look, (sighs) I am
really, really sorry.
It's a crazy situation.
Jeffrey and I have been
together since high school.
-So what are we supposed to-
-Yes, I get it. I get it.
I just don't like it.
That's fair.
Karen and Jeffrey
have been my family
for the past three years.
I came here, I came to LA,
been here for a few months,
I was leaving (indistinct)
where I met you both.
I came here, moved to
your house, you left.
Okay, now you're back and
you take priority, so.
(sighs) Look, if you're gonna
do something unconventional,
you're gonna have
unconventional feelings.
I just don't really
know what to say.
Mm-mm.
(gentle music continues)
(gentle music continues)
(Star sighs)
(gentle music)
-All right.
-Hey, look at that.
(group speaking faintly)
-Oh, this is gorgeous.
-Hey.
(group laughing and
chattering faintly)
Hi. (laughs) Thought I'd
stop over, so I'm here.
Where is Karen?
(group speaking faintly)
Yeah, she wants to
make an entrance.
Of course.
Oh everyone, this is my mom.
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Hi.
-Hi, everyone. (laughs)
That's awesome.
(group chattering and laughing)
-You don't wanna pour for me?
-Some wine?
-No, it's okay, it's okay.
-(group chattering)
-Oh, no, no, I have to.
-Should we do Karen's?
Oh, I've ruined it. He's
gonna hate me forever now.
(group chattering and laughing)
-You're fine. You're fine.
-Thanks.
(group chattering and laughing)
(group cheers)
Sit down, sit down, yeah.
(group laughing)
Thank you.
Christmas angel.
Ah, now this year I could
address you standing up,
but I don't want to.
Why should I, right?
Oh, everybody, uh,
this is, uh, Mr. Vance.
He's a Broadway superstar,
Tony Award winner,
and yes, for those of
you not in the know,
we are old flames.
He came by last night to visit
'cause I was feeling a
little sad and drunk.
(Jerry laughs)
Get your minds
out of the gutter.
-Nothing happened.
-(group laughs)
We just had a wonderful
conversation about days gone by
and then we fell asleep.
Ah, well and then
I also fell down,
hurt my head.
-Oh.
-Still hurts.
(group laughs)
And I'm talking about
this, and not that one.
Oh my God, these guys.
Their minds always go
right to the gutter.
But anyway, he's a good guy,
and I want you to
treat him nice.
Now, where's my glasses?
They're on your tit.
(group laughs)
Got 'em. And I knew
they were there.
That was the test, and
you passed it with flying-
Is that what we're calling
senility these days?
I will ignore that remark
because it's Christmas.
(sighs) I wanted to thank
each and every one of you
for coming out tonight,
because I choose you all
to be part of our lives,
because I always dreamed
to be Mrs. Madrigal
and have amazing,
loving people around me.
And by the way, yes, this
is the same speech I gave
when I first got
outta the hospital,
but I went over
and thought, hell,
if I just change a few things,
-it means all the same sh*t.
-(group laughs)
So, um,
well, I didn't know
you all were coming.
I'm going by the seat
of my panties right now.
All of you are amazing
and wonderful people,
people who are good to the core,
and I know I, we
will all continue
to keep each other safe
in these ridiculous times.
Why don't we all just raise
a glass and make a toast
to all the people that we
love who are right here.
Happy m*therf*cking
Thanksgiving.
-Wait, wait, okay.
-(group laughs)
Merry f*ckity-f*ck-f*ck
Christmas.
[Group] Merry
f*ckity-f*ck-f*ck Christmas.
-(group laughs)
-(glasses clinking)
-Cheers!
-Cheers, honey.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
Oh. (laughs)
(phone rings)
And who the f*ck is that?
It's Roberta from Paris.
-Ah!
-Aww.
Hi.
Happy f*ckity-f*ck-f*ck
Christmas, everyone.
I miss you so much. I'm
sorry I couldn't make it.
Oh, hi baby. We miss you.
I hope everything's
going amazing.
It's going so great.
Paris is so beautiful.
Okay, I won't keep you, but
I miss you and love you all.
-Love you!
-We love you!
Aww. Au revoir! (laughs)
(group speaking softly)
All right everybody,
there is one other person
I would like to address,
somebody who I am actually
not missing right now.
I'm so glad you're
back with me, baby.
Well, thank you.
And I promise I won't
do that to you again.
Clint, you son of a b*tch.
Get your a*s in here.
Everybody, Clint is joining us
from beyond the Orange Curtain.
-(group laughing)
-[Grace] Hey. Oh my God.
(laughs) I didn't realize
you'd all be here.
I thought I was just
gonna come in unnoticed.
-Hi.
-Hi.
(group laughing)
All right everybody.
So let's f*ck' eat.
(group cheers and claps)
Well, we did the best we could
with what was available
like hours before, so.
-(group laughs)
-Just put plenty of gravy on it.
-It'll be amazing.
-For sure.
(group chattering)
[Clint] No, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
Ugh, getting here Christmas
morning was such a pain.
Why didn't you f*cking tell me?
Well, were you surprised?
Yes.
Well, they wanted to surprise
you. So you were surprised?
Yes.
Well then it worked
then. (laughs)
Did you orchestrate this
entire thing yourself?
-Well, Jeffrey and I did.
-We texted over it.
What is going on here with Star?
Well, we, we talked.
It just, I think for
the sake of his heart,
we gotta stop it and end
it, you know what I mean?
Drama.
Can never be smooth f*cking
sailing around here.
You can say that f*ck' again.
Do you want, would you want
it any other way though?
No.
I wanna do this toast.
Okay, listen up.
All right, this is to Karen,
to the most
boisterous, outrageous,
insane, crazy, er,
generous, sweet,
loving, insane, crazy...
No, this the same speech
I gave last time, too.
I don't really know
what else to say,
except, thank you,
Karen, we love you.
Happy f*ckity-f*ck-f*ck
Christmas, everybody.
-You're the best.
-Yay.
[Jeffrey] Well, we
love you, Karen.
(glasses clinking)
Well, I have to add
my love in here, too.
[Karen] Uh, thank God
this isn't a roast.
(group laughs)
I, I don't even know
how to thank you, Karen.
Like, over all of the patients,
like, I know I'm not
supposed to have favorites,
but you're my favorite.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-Lovely.
(glasses clinking)
I am extremely
indebted to all of you
and I feel incredibly blessed
that I now have a chosen
family, so thank you.
Thank you, thank
you, and cheers.
Oh, (laughs)
well, I, I wasn't planning on
saying anything, but I will.
Well, I just wanna say, Karen,
thank you so much
for being so kind
to my darling
daughter, and well,
I, I'm just so happy to be here.
Ditto to all that.
-(group laughs)
-That's all I got.
(glasses clinking)
Just wanna thank you all for
welcoming us into the fold.
(indistinct)
And I know I've said it before,
but I'm gonna say it again.
The amount of love in
this room is amazing,
and I just thanks everybody.
And Tom, you're kind of amazing.
[Group] Oh!
You dropped your napkin.
(group laughs)
(glasses clinking)
Well, I was gonna say
something really nice,
-but f*ck you,
-(group laughs)
and I'm just so
grateful to be here.
So Merry Christmas everybody.
[Group] Cheers.
And thank God or the
universe or whoever
that you're doing so good.
Um, (laughs) Jerry Vance here.
I just want to thank
you for this wonderful,
heartwarming Christmasy day,
and I cherish each
and every one of you.
I mean, who says
LA isn't friendly?
I've got new friends, and
what do new friends do?
New friends watch their
friend's new TV series
premiering this season, "LACI."
But I, I, I'm sorry.
I have to I have to,
I have to stop this
horrible babble, um.
There's that honesty thing
coming up again. (sighs)
This has been so
real and so loving.
And let's face it, I would
be sitting in my hotel room
all alone right now if
you weren't so inviting
and welcoming into this, (sighs)
well, what you have
with Karen, a family.
And, and it was glorious
to reconnect with you
and to meet all you,
so,
merry f*ckity-f*ck
to one and all.
(group laughing and chattering)
-(glasses clinking)
-And scene! And scene.
Tom and I have planned
something very special
for out on the patio.
So with no further ado,
if we could all rise
and wander out that way,
we'll see what it is.
-Oh.
-Oh, okay, yeah.
-All right.
-I'm ready.
Oh. (laughs)
Oh, I thought all you
theater types were g*y,
but I would swear that
you are flirting with me.
Oh, I'm, uh, fluid. Isn't
that what young people say?
I believe they do? (laughs)
Well, I like fluids. (laughs)
(bright music)
h* h* h*
Candy cane and mistletoe
Garland, glitter, silver bow
Smell of ginger in the wind
Kiss of eggnog on your skin
It is all I've ever wanted
To be loved like
Farrah Fawcett
So take my hand
And let's begin
The gayest
Christmas ever lived
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
Stockings hanging all about
Stroll around
while making out
Fire and brimstone
kind of sin
I want that more
than anything
I'm over asking
for permission
To be the greatest rendition
Of two humans lost in love
Catching kisses over brunch
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
I've always had to settle
for less than most do
But you and me are about to
Charm Christmas up
like we're born to
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
h* h* h*m*
(group cheering and clapping)
(bright twinkling music)
Tidy wrap boxes
underneath green branches
What are the chances
it's December
The cold winds blowing
through mistletoe
And stockings afoot
now by the fireplace
But here's the thing
about Christmas
They say it don't
mean nothin'
Unless you got somebody
else to share it with
But I'm alone this Christmas
-And I will be okay
-(person sighs)
I'll have my own kind of
Special holiday
You'd think I'd be blue
Here without you
At Christmas time
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A Not So Straight Christmas (2024)
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