01x36 - Comeback Kid

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame, top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go--
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah! Totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-No ifs, ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay, I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're--
-Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[Chick] Okay, Stu, one more time.

A pickpocket picks pockets.
Now get to work.

You got it, Chick.

[fabric rips]

Here. How do you like these pants
pockets I picked? Nice?

Very nice. However,
you seem to have missed

the finer points to this subtle art.

The trick is to take what's in the pockets
but leave the pants on your victim!

Say, now there's an idea.

Now, allow me to demonstrate
the technique for you.

Hey, boss, you're a genius, boss!
That was great!

When do we get to the pocket picking part?

Okay, Stu, I'll explain.

Step inside. We'll have a conference.

[bang]

Ow! [smack]

Aw, thanks, boss. See, now I get it.

Whoa, baby! Will you look at that wallet?

Be-yoo-tiful!

There's the perfect pocket to pick.
Even you can't mess this up.

Come on, come on. Come to papa.

Whoops.

Oh, no, it's a cop!

Hey, what's going on here?

An honest mistake, officer.

My friend thought he put his wallet
in your pants pocket. Ha ha ha!

Oh! No problem. I do all the time.

Wait a minute. That doesn't make sense.

Here, Lucky. I got your coffee,
donuts, and a tuba.

Not that anything
around here ever makes sense.

Wait. No, I don't believe it!
Bonkers T. Bobcat!

Long time no see!

Boy, you haven't changed a bit.

How's the old g*ng?

Fine, but it's "D" Do I know you?

Hey, what does it matter?
I mean, I feel like I know you.

I've seen all your movies.

I hate to break up
this sickening display of adulation,

but we have to get back on the beat.

Bonkie baby, I have three
words for you, new job.

Say, just who are you, anyway?

He's Chick, and I'm Stu.

Hollywood producer and star maker!

I was hoping Bonkers
would direct my next picture.

You want me to direct a movie?

Bonkers, these toons look
like a couple of sleazy hustlers.

But, Lucky, all Hollywood
producers are sleazy hustlers.

Hmm, good point.

Bonkmeister, step into my office.

Stu, the door, please.
So what do you say, Booby?

This picture needs you.
It needs that special Bonkers touch.

Well, I always wanted to direct.

-Ow.
-But no can do.

I love being a cop.

Besides, whatever would
Lucky do without me?

Boo boo boo boo.

Here's my list. In the car.

If you change your mind,
have your people call my people!

Gee, I didn't know you were
a big shot producer.

I'm not, barnyard breath. It's a con.

Now, what's the best way
to draw a large crowd?

With a large pencil.

Oy! Film shoots draw large crowds.

A Large crowds make
for easy pickpocketing.

So, to get Bonkers to direct,
we'll use a little psychobabblology.

Uh, psychic memo cottage cheese?

Psychobabblology, you one-celled sidekick!

Here. Let me demonstrate.

Now, whatever you do,
don't give me the trash can.

-Uh, okay.
-No, no, no!

Psychobabblology is an advanced form
of double reverse psychology.

When I say not to do something,
that means you do it.

If I say do something,
that means don't do it.

-Okay?
-Uh, yeah.

Good.

Give me the trash can.

One more time.

When I say do something,
I mean don't do it.

I get it. I get it.

Good. Get this can off me.

Oh, no. That means I don't get it off you.

I know.

[Chick] Conference!

[Chick] Okay. Now, first
you sneak up to Bonkers' trailer,

using a simple technique
known as reverse bungee jumping.

Then using psychobabblology,
you convince him to direct my movie.

I better get my crash helmet.

Bonkers, I know you're in there.

Whatever you do,
don't direct my movie.

I repeat, don't direct my movie.

Whoa!

Catch me!

Okay.

That's funny. I suddenly have
the strangest urge to direct.

Oh!

Whoa! What do you know, Stuball?

It worked!

Yeah, I don't know what came over me.

Suddenly the old show biz bug just bit.

Good morning.

Morning.

Not you guys again?

Never mind my partner.
He doesn't understand the biz.

So, what's the story about?

Yeah, Chick, what's the story?

The story's not important. It never is.

What's important is when can you start?

I have this weekend off.

Then we start this weekend.

See you. Love you. Mean it.

So, Aren't you going to say anything?

Like what?

Like, where did that cow
go with my coat?

My coat? Wait! Come back!

Stop that cow!

Okay, Fall-Apart, lower that light!

Well, it's the thought that counts.

Unfortunately, he can't count very high.

Hey, look, it's Bonkers D. Bobcat.

Oh, how glamorous!

I was hoping for a slightly bigger crowd,
but go ahead, Stu.

Start picking some pockets.

Does that mean you want me to pick pockets

or you want me not to pick pockets?

[Lucky] Ahem!

How many times do I have to tell you?

Your wallet is in your own pocket!

Stop everything! Hold the cameras!

Has anyone ever told you
that you have the face of an actor?

He does?

We'll be right back.

Ow!

Ooh!

Ow!

Now that you mention it,
he does look like an actor.

Me? No, I'm a cop. I'm not an actor.

With that profile? That physique?

Kiddo, I think you missed your calling
as a true actor.

Oh, well, in grade school

I did play a pixie in the Christmas play.

Ahh, a pivotal role.

Well, you've convinced me.
You've got the part, Booby.

-What part?
-The part of the, uh...

cop!

Yeah, that's it!

You're a cop, and you have a toon partner!

Oh, great, another toon partner.
Just what I need.

Quiet! Quiet on the set!

How can I create with noise?

Oh, hi, Lucky. Want to watch me direct?

I'm back from the docks,

checking security for the Hopps Diamond.

The Hopps Diamond? How interesting.

Yeah, well, everything's fine now,
so I can enjoy my weekend off.

Yep, go home, relax. Put my feet up.

-Flip on the old TV.
-Great!

We've got a movie to make.
Let's get cracking.

I'm not doing any movie,
especially with you two.

Too bad, because without a star,
we don't need a director.

No director? Lucky, please?

-Nope.
-Just this once.

It'll get show business out of my system.

-I promise.
-Promise, promise?

Yes, please, please?

Okay, I don't have work til Monday.

Great! Makeup!

Make up?
I did even know we are mad at each other.

You know what I mean.

I do?

Of course I do.

[coughing]

Perfect. Things couldn't be better.

Now we going to pick some pockets?

No!

By no, do you mean yes?

No, by no, hay breath, I mean no.

You heard what that cop said
about the Hopps Diamond?

We are going to steal it,
and they are going to help us.

Piquel! Yoo-hoo, Piquel!

♪ Where's my little celebrity? ♪

♪ He's right here ♪

Great. Ready?

I suppo--

Because an actor must always be ready.

And one must always follow the script,

whether it calls for a blustery storm
or a tempestuous downpour

or just a sweltering hot day.

Yeah, got it.

An actor must always be ready
to play that love scene.

Stop that!

To play that fight scene!

And while we're at it,

the camera always makes you look larger.

A star needs to look tall, wear many hats.

As every actor knows,
you have to be fast on your feet.

Focus. This time you've really done it.

I think you're right.

I think I'm really going
to make a star out of that guy.

A pirate movie?

But the script is a cop
buddy picture thing.

What, you never heard of rewrites?

Now when they start filming,
you start paddling closer to that ship.

[Stu] Yeah, sure, yeah.

Uh, why do I do that?

Did you go to school to get that bright
or just donate your brain to a deli?

[Chick] Look, that's the ship
with the Hopps Diamond.

Get us close to it, I'll grab the diamond.

[Bonkers] Okay, Lucky, in this scene
you're a lone cop-- swashbuckler,

buckling swashes left and right,

you're fighting an evil
band of pirates with this.

I'm going to fight a band
of pirates with a swordfish?

Of course. Flounders are too hard to hold.

Yeah, and they can't dance
with the whistle either.

Uh-oh. I was afraid of this.

The diamond is on the move.

Ready... and lights, camera.

Action!

"Oh, my goodness.
Here comes a band of pirates."

Cut!

Look, Lucky,
try to put a little feeling into it. okay?

Watch out!

No. I'm not buying it. Not good enough.

I want to see abject terror!

Bonkers, look out!

Cut!

Print.

Quick! Follow that armored car!

I think what this movie
needs is a car chase!

[Lucky] Bonkers, why would
pirates chase an armored car?

It doesn't make sense.

This is a movie.

It doesn't have to make sense.
It just has to make money.

Now remember, the pirates in the armored
car have kidnapped Fall-Apart.

They have? Why wasn't I informed?

Come on, patty melt, step on it! Speed up.

Speed up? This must be some of that
bicycle babblology stuff,

which means that
he really wants me to stop.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

You're Lucky we're in a hurry,

or we'd have a conference
you'd never forget.

Follow that armored car!

Oh, I get it.

You really mean don't
follow that car, right?

Oh... no.

Look out!

[screaming]

Ah-ha... the museum.

So this is where they were taking
the Hopps Diamond.

But not to worry. I have a plan.

Tell Bonkers there's a slight
change in the script.

Uh... okay.

Now it's a monster movie?

[Bonkers] Sure, and you're
the hideous bug-eyed slime monster,

who destroys the city
with lots of glory details

and stuff... and like that.

This is ridiculous. I can't be a monster.

Are you kidding? With your disposition,
you're a natural.

Besides, our wardrobe man
has made a terrific-looking costume.

And I've grown quite attached to it.

Gimme that!

Okay. Now here's the plan.

Instead of pointing the tank
at the monster,

you point it at the museum
and blow it to smithereens!

Then, I'll simply walk in
and steal the Hopps Diamond.

Steal the Hopps Diamond?

Uh-oh. I'd better alert
the proper authorities.

Or is that prop up the alert authorities?

Oh, well. I'll ask Bonkers.

Ahem... ahem.

Roar!

Uh, growl!

Ow!

I guess my acting's getting
a little better, huh?

I actually frightened ya.

No. You stepped on my tootsie.

[crying]

Chick and Stu are going
to hop the steal diamond!

I mean, they're going
to steal the Hopps Diamond!

Don't be ridiculous.

You probably just overheard
them rewriting the script.

Of course! Mm-mmm! what a silly!

But I thought rewriting
was the director's job.

Hey, you're right.

I'd better have a talk with those guys.

So what's all this
about a jewel heist, hmm?

He knows about our plan.

You have to get up early in the evening

to pull anything on this Bobcat.

Yes, I see.

Well, maybe we'd better have a conference

so I can explain things.

After you.

I do hate to replace a director
in the middle of a picture.

But that's show business!

[Bonkers] You can rewrite the script!
Just get me out of here!

Why'd you do that, Chick?

So when the tank blows the museum up,

Mr. Know-it-all director
will blow up, too!

[Bonkers] Yoo-hoo. Anybody out there?

Hellooo!

[Bonkers] Look if this is about final cut,
you can have it.

Just get me out of here!

[roaring]

Nothing can stop the mighty Zarko
from his rampage, not even your tanks.

[roaring]

Hey, where's the tank?
And where's Bonkers?

[Bonkers] Rats! The lock is stuck!

Hmm, now where'd I put that blowtorch?

Fire!

Right, Chick! Uh, let's see...

does he mean fire the tank
or do not fire the tank?

I mean, blast away,
you bologna-brained bovine!

[Lucky roaring]

[Fall-Apart] Aah!

Help me! Oh, help!

[roaring]

I'm really starting
to like this acting stuff.

There's got to be a way
to get into that museum.

Wait. I know! Picture this.

We crash a burning blimp into the museum,

cause an earthquake, a volcanic
eruption, and a tidal wave!

We'll make the biggest
disaster film of all time!

I'm giving this luggage company
my official endorsement...

that is if I ever get out of here.

[roaring]

Uh, you're not gonna cut my part, are you?

-I was just gettin' good.
-Good?

Hey, don't sell yourself short.

You're the best I've ever seen.

Really?

Sure! That's why we're rewriting this film
to feature more of this face.

I'm casting you in the lead role, a blimp.

-What do you think?
-A blimp?

Did I say blimp?

I meant, uh...

a hamlet!

Hamlet. But I--I don't have time
to memorize a new script.

We don't need a script.

Just make up the words!

If a writer can do it, how hard can it be?

Well, sure, eh, that's right.

I could do it.

After all, I am an actor.

Gee, I thought it was going
to be a disaster film.

Shakespeare, disaster film,
what's the difference?

I've tried to keep
a low profile on our crimes,

being sneaky and what not,

but I'm sick of it! I want that diamond!

And I want it now!

[Bonkers] Whoa! I better get Lucky.

Alas, poor yuli, I knew him well.

[Lucky] What light has
broken Yonder Windah?

Lucky?

It is the east, and Juliet has a brick.

Lucky, we got a problem.

Not now, Bonkers. [sniff] I'm rehearsing,

and this could be the role of a lifetime.

What a piece of work I'm,
how knowable and well-seasoned.

This is all my fault.

Lucky's been bitten by the show-biz bug,

and there's no cure... well, there is,

but it involves a llama,
two jugglers, and a lunar eclipse.

I might not be able
to do anything about Lucky,

but I'm going to get returning to show biz

out of my head for good!

♪ We got it, we got it,
we really, really got it ♪

Great, Stu. Announce it
to the whole world, why don't cha?

Okay.

Attention, whole world.
I have an announcement.

Gimme that!

All right, you... you... bad guys, you.

This is officer Bonkers D. Bobcat!

And I order you to stop
in the name of the law.

Must be time for the chase scene.

[clang]

To be or not to be.

What was the question?

Friends, romans, countrymen,

I come not to bury Caesar,

but to name a salad after him.

Fall-Apart, stop everything!

You've gotta help me catch Chick and Stu!

Hey... hey, did they fall?

They're criminals!

They don't look like criminals.

They look like a chicken and a cow.

The little one could be a chubby pigeon.

All the world's a stage,
and we are merely extras.

Out, out, darned spot!

Get thee to a laundromat!

Yea, all which it inherit
shall dissolve...

cut to or fade out.

Fall-Apart, I have a plan!

Congratulations, but you don't
have to shout my ear off.

Oh, but I do. Trust me.

The only way those two could outsmart us,
is if they were to have a conference.

If they had a conference,
they'd get away for sure.

[giggling]

[Stu] Uh, hey, uh, what happened, Chick?

[Chick] Move over,
you miserable moomeister!

You're sitting on my beak!

Hah! Fooled them.

I guess they never heard
of psychobabblology.

[Chick] Will you move?
Ow! Watch those horns!

Ouch! Careful, you hoofhead.

And so, once again, our heroes--

that's us have scrambled yet another
twisted chicken's plot

before it hatched.

Somehow I think I'm forgetting something.

Life is a tale told by an idiot,
fulla sound and fury

and signifying nothing!

Yeah, there we go.

So, how was that, Bonkers?

Bonkers? Where did everybody go?

[theme music playing]