02x12 - Love Stuck

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go--
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-No ifs ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay I gotta go go oh, no ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back ♪
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're--
-Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers
-Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[knock on door]

You wanted to see us, Sarge?

"Wanted" is such a strong word.

Ooh! Is that cream-filled?

Keep your mitts off, Bobcat.

I called you in here because there's
trouble with channel 22.

I can't get 22 on my set, either--

Unless I stand like this
with my hand on the antenna

and my foot on the doorknob.

-I'm talking here!
-Yes, sir.

The problem is that bachelors
keep disappearing.

With all due respect, Sarge,
I've got the same problem,

and you don't see me involving the P.D.

Ow! Ooh!

-Pain, pain, pain!
-Could I please finish?

Two bachelors from that sappy
dating show, The Love Corral,

have been kidnapped.

If it happens again,
the show might go of the air,

but we have to uphold the law anyway.

I want you two to go to the studio
and investigate.

Yes, sir.

[anchor] It's time for Love Corral!

And now, here's your host,

Boss Hoss!

[audience] Hi, Boss!

Howdy, all!

We're here tonight to bring
a little romance

to some mighty lonesome cowfolk

just beggin' to be pierced
by cupid's arrow.

Let's say howdy to our
three desperadoes of love.

[audience] Howdy!

Howdy. I'm Myron.

[cheering]

[burp]

Howdy. I'm Jake.

[one person claps]

Howdy. I'm Archibald.

Are you watching the show
or watching for the bandit?

Can I get back to you during
the commercial?

And now, here's our
sweet little bossarette

from Fresno, California, Rita Lamore!

[wolf whistle]

Hello, Boss.

Little heartburn?

Ooh! Uh... hee hee.

Must be something I ate.

Desperado number 2,
what's your favorite color?

A woman like that deserves
better than those jokers.

Uh-oh.

Drats and miseries. The police!

This could put a crimp in my plan...
And my love life.

Gee, Bonkers, you wouldn't
happen to be in love, would you?

Nah! I'm waiting for the right
girl-- to come along.

The one that'll tear up my
insides and leave fur

scattered on the sidewalk of life.

How romantic.

I know. I'm seeing fireworks.

[Miranda] Bonkers!

Aah! Oh! Aah!

Merci beaucoup, officer.

Nobody panic. We have
the situation under control!

[screaming]

[crowd gasping]

I guess she won't be going out
with number 3, huh?

The bandit!

Dennis, Stark, I need backup!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm afraid some inconsiderate outlaw
has swiped one of our bachelors again.

Please stay in your saddles.
I'll be right back.

Look, I called the cops
to stop this from happenin'.

What were you doin'?

Watching your show and what a show!

Oh, well, thank you. I--

Oh, hey!

What kinda cop are you?

Bonkers, we lost him.

Uh... a cop in deep trouble.

There's only so much rejection
one porcupine can take.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

I tried to get on the show legitimately.

I put on aftershave,
I sucked a breath mint,

I even moussed my quills, but no!

They said nobody wants
to date a porcupine.

Its not like I set my sights too high.

It's the Love Corral, for crying out loud.

No offense, Archie.
Do you mind if I call you, Archie?

You're no Romeo, and you got on the show.
How do you know that makes me feel.

Nothing personal pal,
but somebody's gotta pay.

Another one?

Hey, when do we get out of here?

Look, I went on Love Corral to get
away from playing poker on Friday nights.

Shut up and deal.

What?

I said, he got away, sarge!

This is one heck of a way
to run a railroad.

Really, we're going to work
for the railroad?

That's great!

♪♪ I been workin' on the railroad... ♪♪♪♪

You see? I give you two jokers
a real case, and I get indigestion!

Sarge, should you be eating
those with indigestion?

Don't worry about my stomach, Bobcat.

Worry about your head!

What were you doing hanging
from the rafters?

I just love riddles.

Out of here all of you!

Does that mean we try it again?

No, Bonkers. It means...
you're off the case!

Stark, Dennis, take it from here.

Gee, Miranda, we've never
been kicked off a case before.

Yes, we have,
last week and the week before.

Yeah, but I love this Rita--
I mean, this case.

Bonkers, you haven't even met.

Small detail. I'll fix that.

Oh, really? What are you gonna do,
go on the game show yourself?

[bing]

-Oh, no. Not again!
-It's perfect!

-The sarge'll love us.
-It's nuts! The sarge'll k*ll us.

Please, no. Couldn't we just go grab
a hamburger and fries?

No time to eat. I'm on the case!

I'm glad sarge left us on the case.

I love show biz!

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
we're about to get back on that horse

with a brand-new love desperado number 3!

Okay guys, here's the skinny.
I gotta win this date!

So do I, you mindless toon.
Go find your own girl-- cat, whatever.

No, no. I'm not looking for a girl.

Well, sort of. I mean, I'm here on a major
operation, big-time sting, top-secret.

Nothing to do with the game show bandit,
so don't ask. I can't tell you.

Let's say howdy to our three
desperadoes of love.

-Howdy. I'm Myron.
-I'm Jake.

My turn? Oh! Howdy. I'm Bob!

[monotone] Howdy.

Now, here's one patient little lady.
Get on out here again, Ms. Rita Lamore!

Yay, Rita!

Well, Rita, after all you been through,

I hope we wrangle a date for you today.

-I sure hope so, Boss.
-Good. Then fire away.

Love desperado number 1,
what's your idea of a romantic date?

I don't know. I don't get out much.

Oh. Too bad.

Love desperado number 2, same question.

You watch me clean and press

then we chug down
a dozen raw eggs together.

Oh. Health food. Nice.
Love desperado number 3,

Your idea of a romantic date?

Um... We'd watch some cartoons?

-[audience] Aw! Aw!
-Really? I love cartoons!

Sorry, fellas. I'm a shoo-in.
She loves toons.

Oh, please. You don't
want to pick that toon!

Okay, desperado number 1,

tell me what kind of animal
you're most like.

A bat. I like dark caves.

A recluse, huh? Desperado number 3,

What kind of animal are you most like?

That's easy. A Bobcat,
'cause I'm furry and orange.

That's so cute! I love cats!

She likes me! She really, really likes me!

What's wrong with porcupines?

Love desperado number 3,

when I'm in love, my skin tingles,
I feel like I'm walking on air,

and I can't parallel park.
What happens when you're in love?

Oh, um... my heart beats out of control
and climbs up my throat

and forms in my eyes
so you can see how much I like you.

That was really sweet.

Oh, gag me with a mental buzz!
What does she hear in him?

Okay, next question, please.

Rita, you wouldn't want to see
the merchandising monster commando

clams on ice spectacular
Friday night, would ya?

Hey, love desperadoes don't
get to ask questions!

But I want to answer it.

That's not how we play Love Corral.

[Bonkers] Sorry, Boss.
I'll stick to the rules.

That'll be the day, Bobcat.

Bobcat!

Three, two, one...

[ring] Hi, sarge.

Heads up. The love heifer's here,
and you know what that means!

Sure do, Boss.

That's right.
It's time to choose the cowpoke

you want to ride into the sunset with.

Pick me!

-I pick love desperado number 3.
-I won? I won!

-I'll be right there!
-This is ridiculous.

I have to kidnap him? Wait a minute.
Why didn't I think of this before?

Forget the bachelors!
Let's just get on with my date, shall we?

Unfortunately, this calls
for a painfully fast getaway.

-Yeow! Hey!
-I won! I won!

This is the happiest day of my life.

I won!

-I lose? What'd you do with her?
-She's... she's... gone!

-[crowd booing]
-The bandit got Rita!

Rita!

[sobbing]

[Bonkers] Love is so cruel.

Just when you find the right girl, poof!
She leaves ya.

Bobcat, you doofus, she was kidnapped!

We could have had everything--

A house in the suburbs, a microwave,
a two-anvil garage!

Instead, you got a broken heart,
an angry boss,

[chuckles] a leave of absence.

You understand!

Wait. This is no time for a vacation.
We've got a missing woman on our hands!

And I've got a clue!

-What's that?
-What's that?

What else? A porcupine quill--
toon variety.

I found it on the set.

Earth to Bobcat. Look around you!

This is real life, not a cartoon!

But, Sarge, it's our only lead we have.

Nobody got a look at the bandit.
Shouldn't we hear Bonkers out?

I'd rather hear fingernails
on a chalkboard.

I'd rather hear gnats in my ear canal!

But I'm about to hear the sound
of you and your partner

walking out of here
and away from this case! Got it?

[Bonkers] I'm telling ya, Miranda,
I know this quill points to Rita.

I'm sorry, Bonkers,
but we're on probation. Give it up.

I can't.

Rita's the first woman to like me
for who I really am!

Bonkers, it takes time to know somebody.

I mean she doesn't even
know you're a toon.

Sure, she does.

Our eyes didn't meet,
but our souls touched.

You'll see. She'll recognize me
the minute I rescue her.

Rescue? Now, wait a minute.

Miranda, there's a sumo wrestler
in hobnail clogs stomping on my heart.

Only you can make him stop.

[sighs] Bonkers, If you're wrong about
this porcupine thing,

-I'll be the one stompin' on your heart.
-You understand!

[Miranda] Why do I let you
talk me into these things?

-[Bonkers] Pull over.
-[Miranda] Pr-cue-pool hall?

Crawling with porcupine low-lifes.
It could get sticky in there.

You better let me handle this.

Hollywood P.D. nobody move.
I'm lookin' for a porcupine.

Perhaps I could've phrased
that differently?

[grunting]

What's your point?

[laughing] Hi, Needles.

Recognize this? Could be yours.

Just gonna look for the bald spot.
Here we go.

[grunting]

-I don't play on duty.
-Break.

[laughing]

All right, Wisconsin Skinny.

Where were you last night
at 7:30? 6:30 Central?

Come on, talk, and the D.A.
might go easy on ya.

It's going very well, actually.

Yaa-ha ha!

Aah!

Wow, this hurts.

Hey.

Somethin' tells me the pain's not over.

[screaming]

Three, two, one...

The moon's wonderful this time of year.

Maybe I should handle this.

Hey! Put him down!

Miranda, duck!

Never mind.

Okay, we're gonna get some questions
answered, my way.

What she said.

Hey, I didn't do nuttin'.

Oh yeah, then explain how four contestants
disappear from the Love Corral,

and our only clue has porcupine
written all over it.

-See my point?
-I see it, but I don't believe it.

They won't let porcupines on that show.

How do you know that?

Winston Prickley tried get on three times.

-Rejection city.
-Winston Prickley, huh?

He still hasn't gotten over it.

Nobody wants to date a porcupine.

Why not?

Ever try to hug one?

Ah, mon cherie.
I have prepared a romantic cuisine

for your delicate taste buds.

Look, you've obviously gone
to a lot of trouble here,

but I'd like to go home now.

-What is this, spaghetti?
-Linguini.

Sounds more romantic.

I always wanted to do this.

I saw it in a movie once.

[doorbell rings]

Hmm. Unforeseen complications.

A momentary inconvenience, my dear.
I'll be right back.

Yes?

Officer Bobcat. May I come in?
Don't mind if I do. Thanks.

Where were you last night at 7:30 p.m.?

Tell me. Tell me.

Kidnapping a woman from a TV game show.

Don't be coy with me! I want the truth.

We found it--

Thank you for returning it.
Now, for your reward...

That hurt me more than it hurt you.

Not.

I've heard of blind dates,
but this is ridiculous.

And now, my dear, there is more
fun to come away from here.

Rita?

Bonkers?

[birds tweeting]

Bonkers!

-Hey, is that our pizza?
-No, it's Miranda Wright, Hollywood P.D.

Where's the porcupine?

Heyyy! Yike! Yeow!

Watch that first step.

-[car starts]
-The squad car!

My girl.

[tires screech]

I'm comin' for you, Rita.

So... I guess we eat out.

I wouldn't eat with you if you
were the last porcupine alive.

-Good, I'm not hungry either.
-[crash]

Just a tailgater. I'll get rid of him.

Whoa!

Let's go to the highlight
of our evening. Shall we?

-Where?
-Here's a hint.

I hope you like thrill rides.

[screaming]

We're here.

[screaming]

[Barker] Step right up, ladies and
gentlemen, and Dunk the Bobcat.

Thank you, ma'am.

Aah!

Miranda!

[ding]

[trumpets]

Ah, The Monsoon,
world's largest roller coaster.

Fear and love, eh?
Both make the heart throb wildly.

Aaahh!

I'm comin', Rita!

Au revoir. Bon voyage.
Adieu, adieu, adieu.

Cling to me, my sweet. I shall not flinch.

Ow! It's me, love desperado number 3.

En garde to you, monsieur stupid.

Oh, dear.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa--aah!
Noooooooooo!

Aah!

Clear this area.
Bonkers, you're gonna get splattered.

Gosh, I hope Rita's OK.

Ritaaaaaaa!

Yeow!

Ooohhhhh!

Whew!

[all screaming]

Hey, you're cute. Wanna go out?

Read him his rights.
I'm gonna find my partner.

I never get the girl.
But it's so delightful trying.

Psst. Bonkers!

Now I know why they tell you
to keep your arms inside the car.

Are you okay, partner?

Yeah. But I wanna look my best for Rita.

Got any mousse on you?

Love desperado number 3?

Anyone seen love desperado number 3?

Wait till she sees me.

Ta-da!

Have you seen desperado number 3?

That must be him.

But... that's... me.

Love desperado number 3?

Not exactly.
But I'll help you look for him.

That won't be necessary.

Now...

Bonkers, why didn't you tell her,
you were, Bob?

Well, up close, I could see she
wasn't my type. It'd never work.

Bonkers...

She'd wanna be with me night and day,
take time away from my career.

I couldn't do that to you.

[Miranda] You did it for me, huh?

You're my partner.
We gotta stick together.

Ah, that's sweet.

[Miranda] Wanna get that burger and fries?

[Bonkers] Yeah! Let's go to that place
where that cute little kitten

behind the counter was lookin' at me.

[theme music playing]