01x16 - Once in a Blue Toon

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame, top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah! Totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ No ifs, ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay, I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back ♪
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[chief] Ladies and gentlemen,
toons and toonettes,

and members of the press.

I'm pleased to announce...

[Sniffs] Mmm! I smell pastrami.

You know, there's a new
deli down the street.

Tried to go there once.
Ended up in Manila.

Don't they make great envelopes?

Ahem, chief, I believe you may
be digressing, slightly.

-I never digress.
-The announcement, sir.

Of course the announcement.
That's why we're here.

It's a very important announcement,

and I do remember what it is,
the announcement

that I'm here to announce.

I believe you wanted to announce
the reform program, sir,

the program to reform poor,
misguided toons

who have turned to lives of crime,
to show the world

that within the heart of every
so called bad toon

there lurks the soul of a saint.

Could not have said it better myself.

I wish I had said it myself.

Chief's had some good ideas in his time,

and this isn't one of 'em.
Just glad I don't have to...

[Bonkers] And to show our support,

my partner and I want to be
the first to volunteer.

Must have a wax buildup
in the acoustical canal.

Coulda sworn he volunteered us.

Superb!

Welcome aboard, officer.

[Bonkers] We believe that it's better
to give than to receive.

Hey, you're beautiful, people.

I mean it. Where you from, New York?

Hey, let me make you feel
at home... don't sh**t!

So, what are y'all doing for lunch?
I'd like to...

May I interrupt?

They're all yours. Knock 'em dead.
But keep it clean. They're a nice crowd.

What do you think you're doing?

How dare you volunteer me.
You had no right to do that.

Lucky, what are you trying to say?

Is it that... You're not pleased?

Let me demonstrate. This is me pleased.

This is me now.

If I want to volunteer for an assignment,

I will volunteer!

Backing your partner 100%.
Excellent spirit, Pickle.

It's Piquel, sir, but what I meant was...

Enough with the modesty, man.

[chief] This reform program will do
wonders for my political ambitions,

not that I have any.

Yes. Here we are. The very first
prisoner to enter the program,

a toon known simply as "The Louse".

-[The louse laughing]
-Ain't I a louse?

Sometimes I make phone calls and hang up.

What do you think, men?

What exactly is he in for, sir?

Well, let me see now...

"Disturbing the peace, toe-nail
clipping in a no-clipping zone,

destruction of city property,
and a few cities..."

Piece of cake. Give us 48 hours.

But you're a natural.
You were born to reform.

It's practically your middle name.

You're so compassionate, so understanding.

Huh, well for once, you're correct.

That's why I worship
the ground you walk on.

How do you do it, boss?

I was born to reform.

I'm compassionate and understanding and...

[gulp]

[Lucky] A class-a chump.

[Louse belches]

[Bonkers] I knew you'd change your mind.

So what's our first move?

Alright. You win.

I will help... by advising.

You will do the actual work.

Now reforming a criminal
is not an easy task.

That's why I've prepared
this presentation for you.

This is a normal toon brain. And this...
is a criminal toon brain.

Doesn't look criminal to me.

You see what you're up against?

The first thing you must
do is gain his trust.

To do that, you have to treat him
with respect and dignity.

So, uh... Mr. Louse,
what do your friends call you?

You ate my pad. Why did you eat my pad?

Because you're a dweeb.

A dweeb?

Can you believe that?
He called me a dweeb!

What's a dweeb?

Um... Latin for... awful swell guy.

So, uh... what's this look like?

Mommy?

Oh, yeah. Ya' know I do
see a family resemblance.

May I be excused?

Of course.

[Bonkers] Did you hear that?

He said, "May I?"

-We raised him well, papa.
-[crash]

Where'd you get that?

Somebody left it in the park.

What are you doin'?

You lousy little--

Remember, respect and dignity.

Okay, fine.

I guess our little friend just
has problems with authority figures.

Oh, I get it.
We have to work him through this problem.

We'll show him he has nothing
to fear but fear itself...

and, of course, the IRS.

This is Mr. Policeman.

He represents authority.

-[belches]
-That's comin' out of somebody's paycheck.

[laughing]

Ain't I a louse?

Uh... excuse me.

-[screaming]
-Isn't this wonderful, Lucky?

He's making huge strides.

Yeah. I wish
they weren't through the wall.

What is this? Where did this come from?

I don't know, why the third-degree?
I resent the implications.

Where'd you get that traffic light?

-[tire screeching]
-[crashing]

I'd say 5th and main.

[laughing]

Can I keep the hat?

Look, Bonkers, we tried, we failed.

It's time to give up.

What? We can't just give up.

Bonkers, he's eating my shoe,
which, as it happens, I am still wearing!

That tears it.

Inside every bad toon
is a good toon, try to get up

except inside him!

He's everything rotten rolled up in one!
Only worse!

But, boss, reform is your middle name,
remember...

No. My middle name is Shirley.

That is very pretty.

It was my father's name.

What am I talking about?

I'll stand up to the chief
and I'm gonna tell him...

Hello, chief, sir.

You're looking very chiefly.

May I wax your car?

[chief] I forgot to mention
I'm writing a book on the reform program,

So keep careful notes.

You'll both get credit.

Footnote for each of you.

So, how's it coming?

Well, sir, to be very honest...

[Bonkers] It's going great!
Couldn't be better!

Flawless, perfect, comparatively speaking.

Wonderful! Here, Pickle, get me
a few shots for the book.

Well, yes sir, it's Piquel, by the way.

But, can I see the dear fellow?

Well, he's in an awkward stage now.

He's become
so good, he doesn't even recognize himself

and has nothing to say
since he's not there. Any more!

Makes sense. Write it down.
It'll be good for the book.

Of course, sir.

If the program keeps
going this well, Pickle,

I may dedicate the book to you, oh yes,

or give you a free copy.
We'll see, I make no promises.

When he finds out the truth,

I'll lose my job, my pension--

[chomping]

[Bonkers] Well at least he's
gettin' a balanced diet,

somethin' from all the major
furniture groups.

Ain't I a louse? [chuckles]

Oh let's face it, this is a wipeout.

The guy's just not into
peaceful interaction.

Lucky, you took the words right

out of my mouth before I put 'em in there!

[Lucky] Bonkers, why do you want me
to dress like this?

So we can show him
the joys of nonviolence.

I still don't understand,
why the grease-monkey suits?

I couldn't find a guru
outfit in your size,

Mr. 53-inch waistline.

[east-asian accent]
Good morning, my friend.

We come to reveal
to you the secrets of a peaceful,

happy, happy life.

The world is beautiful.

This office is beautiful.

You are beautiful.
Love and peace to us all.

[Lucky] Uh, yeah. It's beautiful,
love and peace and...

Beauty is even in the wrench.

Observe the wrench,

love the wrench,

become the wrench...

-[belches]
-Eat the wrench.

Who are we kiddin'?

This isn't doing any good.

[chief] Pickle, you in there, man?

That's great. It's the chief.
I think we just better level with him.

But, Lucky, I know we're gettin' closer.

And don't forget that book,
dedicated to you.

Oh, alright.

Okay, just keep him outta sight.

[Lucky] I'll stall, Kanifky.

Just stopped by to check on your progress
and why are you dressed like a mechanic?

I'm on my break, sir.

I thought I'd change the oil in your car.

[chief] I can't abide officers who curry
favor like that.

Although, if you rotate the tires,
I'll make an exception.

So, where's that toon you're reforming?

Toon? What toon, sir?

Oh, that toon.
Well, he's out with Bonkers...

looking at real estate, and, uh...
Is that a new suit?

Matter of fact it is. Figure I'll
need one if I run for office.

Not that I ever will, mind you.
But you never know.

Bonkers, can't he be destructive
more quietly?

Ah, phooey!

This is the bumper off the chief's car!

I can see the dashboard and the spare!

Spit it out!
Spit out that car this minute!

You know, I don't like you a lot!

With the success of this program,

people may be clamoring
for me to lead them.

Is that my bumper?

Uh, yes, sir.

Having the chrome replated, sir.

You really have no pride at all,
do you man?

Well, how do I look?

Uh... you look like a real dweeb, sir.

Ooh... latin scholar, huh? I'm impressed.

What's that racket?

Uh... termites?

I'll say. Is this tie too loud?

Francine usually dresses me.

Perhaps you'd rather come back
when Bonkers returns?

I can wait, I have something
very important to tell you both.

Wonderful woman, my wife,
and can she cook.

You were saying?

No. I was asking.

Can my wife cook?

Never even seen her set foot
in the kitchen.

Anyway, since the program's been
a bigger success than I dreamed,

I scheduled a party day after tomorrow

to introduce our new reformed prisoner.

All the TV networks will be here,
along with radio, newspaper, and...

It was a nice career while it lasted.

A Coming-out party in two days.
You realize what this means?

Yes, I have to get my hair done.

I don't know what
I'll do about these nails,

and I do not have the first thing to wear.

Well, there's that,
and we haven't made any progress

reforming that toon!

Let's face it.

This is the job for an expert,
a trained professional.

That's it! Wait right here!

Sorry for the delay.
Gridlock on the interchange.

Got the answer to our problem.

I don't think you're going
to find the answer in any book.

But boss, this is by an expert...
Mr. A. Nonymous.

He claims a 99.9 success rate.

And I think we're dealing with that 0.1%!

Ain't I a louse?

[laughing]

The more I know that guy,
the less I like him.

Chapter 13 "how to reform the toon
who cannot be reformed"

Well that's him, isn't it?

Here's what you call a type-a personality.

A jerk, a creep, a rat, a wretch!

Step 1, "The unreformable toon
may have lost touch with reality.

He must be gradually
reaccustomed to everyday life."

An overnight stay can be fun.

Oh yeah, that sounds like fun.

Fun like root canal.

And it says it's best if he spends
time around a human.

I don't like where this is going.

Don't big-eye me, won't work.

Lose the tears. You're wastin' water.

Drop the lip quiver,
it's getting you no where.

But, you don't want louse
to miss his big party, do ya?

I don't care.

The one chief Kanifky's been plannin'?

I don't care?

The one that's gonna be on national TV?

I don't...

know how I get myself into these things.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I want a room with a northern exposure.

I don't get up before 9:00,
and I like pancakes for breakfast.

So, Lucky, where's the fam?

Are you kidding me?
Soon as I knew he was comin',

I sent 'em on a cruise
in another hemisphere.

What're you doin'? Get outta my chair!

Now, Lucky, check that temper.

The book says remain calm
and always be patient.

I am patient!

I am... patient.

Good. See ya in the morning.

Where do you think you're going?

The book says you should be alone to spend

quality time with him.

Besides, there's a bargain matinee
and I don't want to miss it.

I guess it's just you and me.

So, let's set the ground rules.

Don't touch anything in my house,
don't drool on anything in my house,

don't eat anything in my house,

don't eat in my house, period!
You understand?

Sure. Can I go outside?

If you promise you won't eat any
of the lawn furniture...

or the lawn.

[laughing]

Stop! Stop! Stop! What are you doin'?

Lookin' for the door.

Ohh.

[humming]

[sawing]

Woodpeckers.

What are you lookin' at?

I didn't do anything.

Ah, Yes. This is much, much, much better.

Don't you think?

Come on.

[Bonkers] According to the book,

recreational activities
could prove very useful

in the reform process.

Yeah? What say we take him skydiving?

Nah. Don't have a parachute.

So?

The book recommends a nice,
relaxing fishing trip.

Ah! Like father and son.

How I envy, Lucky.

You're not gonna eat the boat, are ya?

No.

Life jackets?

No.

Hey, you know,
it really is sort of nice out here.

It's almost relaxing
in a nerve-racking way.

[sipping]

Thirsty, were you?

We could've gotten you a soda, you know.

The book says he's now ready
for a gradual reintroduction to society.

Shouldn't we warn society first?

Enjoy your meal.

Will you at least make an effort
to behave yourself.

This is called food.

It's what normal people eat.

Much tastier than furniture,
easier to digest,

and a skosh less expensive.

Hey, that's mine!

Why'd you do that?

Because he was there.

-Yummy.
-[yelp]

Oh, no.

Uh, ma'am, it's not what you think.

[Lucky] I'm sorry it has to be this way,
but you leave me no choice.

Morning, Lucky! All ready
for the big party tonight?

There isn't gonna be any
big party tonight.

I'm taking this monster
back to jail, where he belongs.

If he doesn't eat the jail first.

I had to chain him up or he'd be gone.

Gone?

Gone!

[chief] Pickle, where've you been, man?

I trust everything's in order
for the celebration?

Well, sir, actually I...

I'm really looking forward to it.
Took a bath and everything.

Give me a hand, will ya?
The wife usually ties these things for me.

Why didn't I get one of these
new fangled clip ons?

Should be a very memorable event.

Uh, yes, sir.

Well, I doubt that
I'll forget it anytime soon.

You know, this is the thing
political careers are made of.

Go away! You're no help.

I won't forget you
when I become mayor, Pickle.

-[Lucky] Piquel.
-Nope. Never touch 'em.

They remind me of cucumbers.

We have to get that toon back.

[Lucky] But how will we ever find
him in a city this size?

Shouldn't be too hard.

Hurry up, boss. I think he went that way.

Well, that's probably a safe bet.

I got a scent.

Is that your after-shave?

Call it a wild guess,
but I think he went this way,

Come on, boss. I think we're closing in.

Uh-oh.

It's the party for louse.

And there's the chief.

Look, there's even a red carpet.

[sniffs]

Well, at least he's getting
plenty of fiber in his diet.

Goodness. It must've been
an earthquake of some kind.

[Lucky] When I get my hands on that guy,
I'm gonna hurt him.

[applause]

[chief] Ladies and Gentlemen
and, yes, members of the press,

It gives me great pleasure to...

Ain't I a louse?

[laughing]

Ahem. As I was saying,
I'd like to introduce...

[Bonkers] Oh no! We're gonna
have to stall the chief.

I don't think that'll be a problem.

A toon... this tie's too tight.

I haven't worn a tux since my wedding.

Ah yes, the funniest thing happened...

had a mix-up with the license,
ended up married to...

Come down from there!

Ain't I a louse?

It doesn't make sense.

We did everything just like the book said.

I know. I wrote the book.

Okay, I've had it.
No more reforming for me.

I resign. Yep, retiring from this gig.

You can't do that.

Yes, I can.

As for you, do whatever you want.
I don't care.

What?

You don't like me anymore?

Pal, Pal, Pal,

I never liked you,
and to answer your question,

Yes, you are a louse.

You shouldn't say ain't.

All I wanna do is get out of my hair.

Why not take a nice trip?

Here you go, here,
buy yourself a nice plane ticket.

Here. Go first-class.

And luggage. Oh, you need a new set.

Don't skip on the hotel either...
four-star for you, friend.

Eat a nice ottoman for me, huh?

Don't you wanna reform me some more?

We were having so much fun.

Aw, Thanks, but no thanks.
Here. Take my tie.

You'll wanna look nice.

And my vest to look dressy. And my shoes.

You never know what the weather
will be like, there!

Don't forget to get your shots.

Bon voyage! Send a card if you remember.

What did I do?

But enough about macrame
without further adieu...

strange word, adieu...

Let me introduce Mr. Louse.

[speaking eloquently]
Thank you, my friends.

Thank you.

It's a great privilege to stand before you

as living proof that
within every bad toon,

there's a good toon trying to get out.

I'm dreaming this, right?

[Louse] Yet I could never have reached

this lofty plateau were it not for
the help of my good friend,

a brilliant and gifted man,
lieutenant Piquel.

[applause]

Splendid work, Pickle.

Uh... It was my pleasure.

Since you succeeded so wonderfully,

I decided to put you in charge
of the reform program full-time!

Congratulations, Lucky!

You lucky guy!

[whispering] No... no.

Yes, yes.

Already lined up some new subjects.

[crashing]

[Lucky babbling crazily]

[theme music playing]