[enlightened music]
[tense music]
[nostalgic music]
[ground crunching]
[tense music]
[ground crunching]
[Gary] Waiting for someone?
Liz wanted to talk.
Oh, hope you didn't make
any plans for the day.
[ground crunching]
How long has he been out there?
Since I came out.
Funny, that's why I came out here.
To take care of him?
No, I wanna find out where
these bums are coming from.
I couldn't get a good signal inside.
Economic despair, bad choices.
No, I mean, where these
bums are coming from,
these "28 Days Later" maniacs.
They're so tweaked, they're eating people.
Oh yeah, the guy got bit, right?
In the leg?
Both legs, not just a bite.
I mean, imagine a stoner at the fair
with two jumbo sized corn dogs.
So they just eat the legs?
No. No, that was just one incident.
Maybe he started with
the legs and got full.
Forget about the legs.
Bath salts, right?
Huh?
Psychoactive bath salts.
PABS, that's the drug, right?
Might be. I haven't heard specifics.
How long has your cable been out?
Ah, a few days.
Liz took the satellite
because she said, "The
volume was too loud."
Man, that's cold.
What do you expect when your landlord's
a cold heartless b*tch?
Keep it down, man. She could hear you.
Of course she can hear me.
She hears everything.
I mean, she lives 12 f*cking feet away.
She still complains,
like if I step on a squeaky f*cking board.
And we can't do sh*t about it
because this is the only g*dd*mn shoebox
in the state even remotely affordable.
It's weird that we're
the lucky ones, huh?
I mean, we could be out
there getting our legs eaten.
Or worse, we could be
the guys eating the legs.
Man, it doesn't mean I
have to be grateful for it.
Hey, you guys got any salt?
[chair creaks]
[ground crunching]
Hey, hey, hey.
Couldn't we call the police?
They won't come unless she calls.
And you say we're lucky.
[tense music]
Hey, hey, hey.
No, no, you don't have to do that, watch.
[meat mushing]
[meat plops]
[ground crunching]
[Gary] You're really
pushing those zombie rights.
[Howie] No point in k*lling a bum
when the police will do it for you.
You go straight to
politics, you hipsters.
[Howie] Well, if I voted
a genocidal maniac back
into office for a third term,
I wouldn't wanna talk
about politics either.
[Gary] Genocidal.
- You didn't hear it?
- Jesus Christ.
You didn't hear it?
He's gonna have these people exterminated.
Good, catastrophes shape our evolution.
They become our history
and teach us our mistakes.
[Howie] Yeah, they teach us how
to make things worse
next time, hey, Rosie.
Tree huggin', burning man lovin',
Chewbacca-lookin' hipster.
What the f*ck are you doing with that?
Scaring off zombies.
Okay, bye.
There was one here just a minute ago.
What, one of those whacked out bums?
Cannibalistic whacked out bums.
The only reason I'm trapped
in the sober priced hell hole.
Keep whining, it helps.
You kids don't give
a sh*t about anything
unless it's under your
nose on a g*dd*mn screen.
And when something bad comes up,
you just scroll right past it.
You're not old enough
to be sitting out here
spewing political bullshit
like some geriatric blowhard.
That's the sort of thing Tank would do.
Current events aside,
this isn't our property.
We pay to live here at the
mercy of that old lady.
And if you don't like the
way that she runs things,
feel free to go live out on the streets
and get your legs eaten.
[Gary chuckles]
- She heard about it too.
- Uh-huh.
That's where we're at, man.
Be thankful for Hemet's tax revenue.
With the mess going on out there,
she could charge triple
what you pay if she wanted.
What a kiss up.
Yeah, it's easy to defend her, you know,
when you have two parking spots,
one of which used to be my parking spot.
It's a two-bedroom, so I get two spots.
Yeah, you still need the other spot
now that you kicked your boyfriend out?
He's touring.
[Martin chuckles]
It doesn't matter. I pay
more, I get two spots.
Yeah, how much more? Mine's 2,900.
That sucks, maybe she
charges you so much,
'cause you're a little whiny c**t.
[Martin chuckles]
How much do you pay?
[wheelchair squeaks]
Hi, Liz.
Oh, you are too kind.
Yes, right over here, dear.
Thank you so much.
[wheelchair squeaks]
You boys playing some baseball?
Oh, uh...
Kind of a dorky game, huh?
Now football, that's
what the hotties play.
Everyone knows it.
Tossing the pig skin around,
the sweat and mud, mm.
Martin, you ready for our little chat?
That's why I'm here.
Good, you're evicted.
That's right, you're outta here.
Get the f*ck off my property
before I drive a wooden
stake through your heart
and slay you for the blood
sucking vampire you are.
You think I'm joking? Get!
And I'm keeping your deposit
to pay for that mold.
What did I do?
I don't want to embarrass
you in front of everyone,
but let's be honest, you're a slob.
You are simply not a good fit
and I think you should just
get the hell outta here.
You have until the end of the day
or I'm calling the sheriff.
That's f*cking bullshit, Liz.
Man, does it suck having
people resist the autocracy
when you're this f*cking tired?
If you fine gentlemen mean
to prolong my eyes open time
for another second,
I'll have no other choice
than to call the authorities.
Landowners like my sweet
self, I need and remind you,
have that privilege of
protection from the law
as the law exists to provide protection.
After all, if there were no
burly Tom Selleck types circling
this town with their criminal
k*lling clutch cannons,
how would you ever expect
a little old lady like me
to get her beauty rest?
I bid you ado.
[wheelchair squeaking]
I Got it. Thanks, hun.
Senile f*cking b*tch.
[wheelchair squeaking]
Gary, Rosie, Rosie, stay
here, I want you to hear this.
Gary, if you think I'm
such a formidable c**t,
I think it's in my best interest
to verify just how much you
take your situation for granted.
If you wanna stay here at Camp Liz,
you better get a
part-time job sucking d*ck
or selling bath salt 'cause your a*s needs
to come up with an extra 100 a month now.
I'd ask for more, but I
don't really need the money.
You, however, in this economy, ta, ta, ta.
Oh, I'm just, I'm wiping my
tears 'cause I'm so sad for you.
Shame you couldn't keep those
dirty thoughts to yourself.
And, Rosie, for being so nice to me,
now that I've got an extra
monthly hundo to spare,
I'm gonna deduct that from your rent.
No. No, no, no, no,
Liz, that's not necessary-
- No, wait, I'll deduct 50 from your rent.
I'm saving up for the Grey's
Anatomy box set as a me gift.
I know they have it streaming,
but I just hate when the
quality drops out, don't you?
Peace and love, butt cracks.
Catch you on the flip. Come, Lucius.
[wheelchair squeaking]
[dramatic music]
Oh yeah. Oh, oh yeah.
f*ck me like John Wayne.
Oh, yeah, f*ck me, daddy.
Oh yea, oh, oh, f*ck, yeah.
[bed squeaking]
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, thank goodness you youngins
can keep it stiff that long.
I can get myself off
with almost any object,
but a limp noodle ain't one of 'em.
Oh, you tired, huh?
Mind you, you're still on the clock.
Put on a happy face till
you're out the door, handsome.
And keep that piss
clenched till you get home.
If your urethra's half
as strong as those pecks,
it shouldn't be a problem.
I don't need your post-coital
copy piss sprinkler
on all of my bathmats.
And where the f*ck do
you think you're going?
I was gonna put my clothes on.
[Liz] When did I say
we were playing dress up?
I thought we were finished.
What were you gonna do?
Snatch the money outta my purse.
I write the checks, boy.
We're finished when I say we're finished.
That's when you can
take your money and go.
I know I don't look like much,
but for the price, you can
at least pretend to like me.
And you can definitely sit
down and follow instructions.
[terrifying music]
Now do you think you
can handle that, sl*t?
[tense music]
[telephone ringing]
Funny how something so
soothing gets interrupted
by a telephone, don't move.
[telephone ringing]
It's late, Katie. What
can't wait till mornin'?
He did what? Oh, my poor baby.
Come right away. Mama will fix it.
What are you waiting for?
Take your money and get.
[coins jingling]
And if that's not enough silver for you,
I got some more right here.
Sure.
Don't forget your shoes.
[mellow music]
[ground crunching]
[crickets croaking]
[ground crunching]
[crickets croaking]
[ground crunching]
[mellow music]
[ground crunching]
[door rattling]
[door squeaks]
Oh my god. Already?
We had to cancel the
next couple of shows,
so I took the first bus
down to surprise you.
Wait, why'd you cancel?
The sh**ting
This morning? That was in Browning.
I thought you were supposed to be playing
in Hamlin this week.
No, there was one in Hamlin too,
or a m*ssacre, I should say.
Real ketchup Fest.
Oh, good, I mean,
good that you're here.
[chuckles] I know.
Why didn't you use your key?
[paper crackling]
My key?
I gave you a key
when we first moved in here.
We went to the Foodsmart together
and we copied it in-
- I know, yeah, I remember.
I must've left it on the bus.
You lost your whole key ring?
I keep two of 'em so
they don't get all jumbled.
It must've been on the other one.
It's not lost. I just
don't know where it is.
If it's a big deal, Ro,
I can just get a new one.
Another one? Yeah.
What makes you think
you're getting another one?
You had your chance buddy.
- Ro.
- Don't.
Don't f*cking joke about that.
You already woke me up in the
middle of the f*cking night.
You're in hot water as it is, Davey Havok.
Davey Havok, first I
had that long-a*s walk.
Now you're castrating me.
- Wait, what?
- I'll take a beer, please.
What long-a*s walk? Why
didn't you park in your spot?
[Jason] It's taken.
What?
Yeah, I had to walk all
the way over from Dakota.
Maybe Liz has company over.
She normally asks first.
She probably thought you'd
be on tour a lot longer.
What's next? She takes
away one of your bedrooms?
Sure, Jay.
Hey, I'm just saying,
starts with the little things.
First it's your parking spot
and then she's taking away
everything but your clothes,
as long as it pleases the new tenants.
Once the honeymoon phase is over,
it's like these landlords
dare you to move out.
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Hi, Rosie. It's Liz.
Hope it's not a bad time, hun.
No, not a bad time.
It's about your parking spot.
Oh no, it's fine.
Jason came back from the tour early,
but he just parked on the street, so.
Man, do you need a lesson
in interrupting people?
If you let me finish,
I was gonna say my daughter
Katie's had some trouble
at home, so she and the kids are staying
at Martin's old place
now that it's vacant.
I gave her your extra spot
knowing you didn't need it,
but what I'm calling to ask
is for you to move your car.
Oh yeah, of course. She needs more room?
Yeah, she needs more room,
like the whole spot more room.
She got an SUV she wants to keep here too.
Tank will be pulling
up with it any minute.
You want me to give up both my spots?
I lowered your rent, remember?
I can lower it even more if you like,
like all the way down to zero,
but you'd have to downgrade to
the manhole studio out front.
My daughter Katie splitting
up with her boyfriend
and she needs these cars
for her familial
responsibilities as a mother.
I thought you'd have the good heart
to empathize with her situation.
I mean, think of the kids.
Do you really want them
walking through blocks
of bath salt adult criminals
to get to the car every morning?
No. I definitely don't want that.
Imagine a kid fighting
off a guy on bath salts.
Wouldn't be fair, would it?
No, it wouldn't.
Am I being a c**t?
Answer truthfully, I
don't wanna be a c**t,
so I hope you telling me if I was
You're not.
[Liz] Not what?
Being a c**t.
Huh?
You're not being a c**t.
All right. Stop being a kiss a*s.
Now listen, if your boy
toy's keeping you up,
give him the old prostate tickle.
He'll calm himself in
a dreamland instantly.
Get some rest, doll face.
You might wanna grab earplugs,
'cause we're movin' in
all her sh*t tonight,
so it's gonna get loud out here.
Where's Ed Gein when you need him?
He k*lled way nicer old ladies than Liz
and they didn't even deserve it.
Liz is just begging to be a lampshade.
She can kick us out anytime she wants.
The rules are hers to make.
You pay three times what she
does to own this dung heap.
She should be your sl*ve,
not the other way around.
Unless we can afford
to live somewhere else
or you find a dog that can sh*t money,
it's gonna be the other way around.
Unless you wanna go
live out on the streets,
in which case, you better
start practicing how
to walk on your hands,
'cause those legs are gonna
be the first thing to go.
Well, what difference does it make
if I live on the street with
that long-a*s walk I have now?
No legs, no spot. Take your pick.
Lieutenant Dan got by just fine.
At least he still had his freedom.
It must be so nice having
such a noble outlook playing
for three people in a metal
band called Black Helmet,
slutty goth chicks fondling
all over you every night.
It's Dark Helmet.
Good, [chuckles] good.
Great. You American hero.
All the sacrifices that you've made.
I'm busting my a*s up-
[glass shatters]
I've been losing feelings for you
and I can't sit on it any longer.
Just some of these chicks on the road
is just a better fit.
And I feel like if we stay together,
I'm gonna start to resent you
and that resentment could turn to hatred
and then hatred to violence.
I think I might have psychotic tendencies.
[phone vibrating]
[keypad popping]
[Liz] Hey, Rosie.
Tank's here with the van.
If you can get out here ASAP,
we need to get this
done so I can go to bed.
It's only been a few minutes,
so I doubt you're already sleeping.
I'll give you a minute to get
out here and move your car
and if that's too much effort,
I can call Perry the
towing company for you
and get you 15% off the tow,
but it sure gets pricey leaving
the car there overnight.
You might wanna just move it yourself,
make it easy on all of us.
[tense music]
What were you saying
about psychotic tendencies?
That must be difficult.
I can't imagine the pain
you're going through
and I wanna get you
the help that you need.
[tense music]
I'm such a piece of sh*t, Ro.
Baby, you're absolutely right.
[terrifying music]
[tool pounds]
Psychotic tendencies, a guy
cracks his girls' head open
with a shot glass
and then dumps after
mooching off her couch
for two years while I
tried to f*ck Jim Morrison.
I don't know about psychotic tendencies,
but that definitely qualifies
as insufferable carditis.
You pushed me to this. You're paranoid.
Oh, maybe I did push you.
Maybe I wanted to see
what kind of guy you were.
Maybe I was testing you and over
and over again you passed the I'm
an insufferable dickhead
test with flying colors.
You know what, you might have
fool me a little longer too,
but you're too f*cking
stupid to even fake being
a decent guy, so thank you.
Thank you for making it
so easy. You're out, Jay.
No strips. You've chewed up
your manic life, get out!
Get out! Shoo, b*tch!
Get the f*ck out of here with
your stupid k*ll Phil shirt.
Like you can b*tch about the president.
You don't even have a f*cking job.
Go on out there.
Get your stupid f*cking
skinny-a*s chicken legs eaten
if there's any meat on them, you f*cking-
- If I die out there, it's your fault.
I hope you do,
you stupid f*cking Evanescence
wannabe man-child, get out!
[tense music]
How many of you ret*rds does it take
to move a f*cking car?
Excuse me?
What'd you fart?
Don't make me sh**t you, boy.
[chuckles] Who are
you calling boy, missy?
Hell, you couldn't even
hit me at point blank range
with that thing, let
alone pull the trigger
with 'em toothpick arms.
Why'd you say that one more time?
You q*eers couldn't lift a toilet roll.
[g*n scratches]
Pew! Pew, pew!
[Tank laughing]
[sheriff laughing]
You heard him.
Move that f*cking car.
[Tank laughing]
[sheriff laughing]
We've waited around here
long enough tonight.
[ground crunching]
[engine roaring]
[tense music]
[ground crunching]
[door thuds]
[ground crunching]
[ground crunching]
[tense music]
[doors thudding]
[tense music]
[trunk thuds]
[wheels rattling]
[crickets croaking]
[horn honks]
[tense music]
[wheels rattling]
[tense music]
My fellow Americans,
today I want to speak
with you about our nation's
unprecedented response
to the PABS outbreak.
It started in San Diego,
but is now spreading...
[music drowns out speaker]
[ground crunching]
That'll get you as good a signal as any.
No more blasting that sh*t out here.
Thanks, Tank. Not that it
makes any difference out here.
We've got cannibals on every corner
and your landlady makes the Third Reich
look like a goddam hippie commune.
You're the victim of
Lizzie's charms, ey?
Anyone who is is pretending
You plan on doing anything about it?
She's guilty of something sick.
If she don't have some painful
old lady death take her
in the next few months,
the truth of her perverted
ways will sure do it.
And when that happens, you're
looking at the guy next
in line to take over this place.
You got the coin for that?
I wouldn't say it if I didn't.
I know you got a sweet
spot for that old b*tch,
but it'd be to everybody's benefit
if she disappeared sooner than later.
Is that the girl that got r*ped?
And k*lled?
They ever find the body?
Uh-huh, they just didn't find
the guy that did it.
You better hope they find it before I do.
My idea of justice for that pig
would make Dexter squirm.
[Tank chuckles]
Who?
He's a k*ller who kills K*llers.
Oh, between that and putting
your landlord behind bars,
I'd say you got a pretty full plate.
You sure this vigilante
justice thing isn't
some sorta misplaced vendetta?
You know, with someone close to me.
Son of a b*tch got off scot-free.
I know a way you
could scratch that itch.
You could avenge it by k*lling
some pervert you ain't got
a motive for.
- Oh, f*ck off.
- Like that one
living next door to you.
[Gary] f*ck off.
[Tank] Look familiar?
I know one guy that's
got that Chewbacca look
[Tank] That girl's not a day over 16.
Yeah, I could see.
Wait, wait a minute.
You spy on us?
You taking pictures, Tank?
Fortuitous discovery,
you're gonna r*pe a youngin,
close the curtains.
Now he may not have done
whatever happened to your...
Sister.
Well, this girl here
probably is somebody's sister.
So what's the difference?
You're taking pictures of me too, Tank?
You ain't got nothing to hide, do ya?
[Tank chuckles]
No. Well, you ain't that pretty.
[table rattling]
You can magically erase
this from your mind, Dexter.
Get the off my court!
Or you can walk the
walk, serve some justice.
[Tank chuckles]
[tense music]
[ground crunching]
[tense music]
[ground crunching]
[golf stick pounds]
Suddenly the branches twined around her
and there were two arms.
And when she'd looked around,
the tree was a handsome man
who embraced her and kissed her tenderly
and said, "Thou has
delivered me from the power"
of the old woman who was a wicked witch.
She had turned me into a tree
and every day for two
hours I was a white dove.
And so long as she possessed the ring,
"I could not regain my human form."
And his servants and his
horses who had likewise
been changed into trees were freed
from the enchantment
also and stood beside him
and he led them forward to his kingdom,
for he was a king's son and
they married, and lived happily.
So the moral of the
story is you can talk
to strangers as long
as they give you food?
They married and lived happily.
Something's off about this one.
It just stands in the
middle of the sentence,
and lived happily.
If there's no ever
after, there's no ending.
Let's find another one. One
where the wolf eats the girl.
That has a better moral.
What you got there, Willie?
"Animal Farm"
Animals? That's for babies.
You're in high school now.
You should be reading Shakespeare, here.
That is the animal one.
Emma might like it.
"Animal Farm: A Fairy Story."
Ooh, fairies, Emma. This
should be more up your alley.
[paper rustles]
Mr. Jones and the man of farm
had locked the hen houses
for the night, but was too drunk
to remember to shut the pipe holes.
[tense music]
[feet scratching]
[trash rattles]
[tense music]
[door knocking]
[tense music]
[Gary] Hey, hey, I can
come back another time.
No, please come in.
It's all right. It's not a good time.
No, I'm fine. I just look
like this when I smoke.
[tense music]
Please sit down. What
do you wanna talk about?
I wanna apologize for being a d*ck.
That's all right, brother.
Fighting is healthy and
essential to co-existence.
I should get going. I just
wanted to leave this for you.
You want me to drink 'em all by myself?
Come on, just have one with me.
I mean, unless you
really hate me that much.
Really eclectic style you got, Howie.
Yeah, well, my mom always says I need
a girl to clean up after me.
How's that workin' out?
Look around.
[Howie laughing]
[Gary chuckling]
We've been living
next door to each other
for quite a long time, haven't we?
You know, and I can't believe
I haven't gotten around
to ask you, what brings a
beachy hipster like yourself out
to a old folks town?
Well, anyone in Hemet
under 40 was driven here
by the economy.
That or they were born here
and lucky enough to stay,
but I wasn't born here.
But we get a lot of ex-cons
and drug dealers coming
out here to lay low.
Righty's on vacation there?
Oh no, I...
My chick kicked me
outta my apartment in LA
and I couldn't afford to stay there,
so this was the first place I could swing.
It was right when the PABS
outbreak started turning all
these bums into George
Romero extras. [chuckling]
Well, Liz knows how
to put on a happy face
in that first meeting, huh?
Well, I saw a right through
it. I saw a right through it.
But what other choice did I have?
I gotta use the bathroom.
No, no, no. Please.
What's the matter?
Is that where you keep the bodies?
[tense music]
I'll just hold it.
Sorry, sorry, it's just,
it's really dirty in there
and I haven't had much time to clean.
Bachelor life, right?
Enjoy.
[chuckles] Please stay. Come...
Rain check.
[tense music]
[door clicks]
[door thuds]
Get back on the couch before
I cut the other one off.
You know, after that little dance,
if I don't k*ll you, he will.
Unless the police beat him to it.
Awe, you wish
I'd just get it over with
right now, aren't you?
Just k*ll you right now.
Well, sure, he left a few prints.
Not enough to convict.
You see, Mr. Justice, he wants to threaten
that sweet little old lady that
puts a roof over our heads.
Now there will be consequences.
However, even I can't get away
with cold-blooded m*rder in this town.
So you're gonna have to atone
for your sins by k*lling him
or get him put behind
bars for k*lling you.
[chuckles] I mean,
who's gonna miss a ret*rd pedo
Savant anyway, right, stump?
[Tank laughing]
Hell, I guess you're finally
living up to the family name.
[Tank chuckles]
[tense music]
I never laid a hand on her.
That's a good one. [chuckles]
[g*n pounds]
[Tank grunts]
[trash rustles]
[fire crackling]
[trash can rattling]
[fire crackling]
[ground crunching]
Trouble in paradise?
Not anymore.
You could sell some of this stuff.
For what, 10 bucks, and feed
myself with that 10 bucks?
Feed myself with 10
bucks made off junk c*ck
from a p*ssy-a*s cheating
two bit piece of sh*t
wannabe Axl Rose f*ck
dope-head musician?
I'll starve. Thanks.
This ax is worth more than 10 bucks.
Take it, may you use it only for good
and to right the many
wrongs of this world.
It's worth at least 50.
Any other trinkets for my
a*usive ex crap collection
that you care to rummage through?
What about this gym?
Well, you could probably
sell this on eBay.
I mean, people bid a lot of
money for sh*t like this.
[trash can rattles]
Sorry about whatever happened.
I can't stand pieces of sh*t like that
that beat up other people half their size.
Oh, so I'm weak?
- No.
- You should see how he looks.
Well, good for you.
If only all the other
girls were as tough as you.
Girls maybe, women?
You bet your a*s.
Have you met any lately?
My sister wasn't too tough.
What happened?
What if I told you that she had
to turn down daily sexual
advances from her boss?
Would you believe that?
Damn right. I wouldn't call that weak.
Would you believe it if I
told you that outta spite,
the same boss asked
her to come in on a day
that she wasn't scheduled
and was sick with
an animal that was deranged at a time
that she normally wouldn't
be around this animal.
What if I told you that this
animal k*lled my sister,
tore her apart like a ragdoll.
Could you believe that
my sister lost her life
in this way?
Because of that m*therf*cker.
Your sister worked at the zoo?
Finland.
Your sister was...
Beverly Covax.
I'm sorry.
How they love feeding those whales.
Fish aren't enough, those little fish.
It's like, for a human,
it's like a french fry.
I mean, you can't blame the whale.
You know, perverts aren't just horny.
They're evil, and if I were you,
I'd be more scared of them
than those bozo salt
head cannibals out there.
I mean, them, you could
tell when you see 'em.
Perverts not so much. Could be anyone.
Hey, I just saw some pictures actually.
I can't tell you of who.
When it comes to perverts,
seems like the guy pointing
his finger at everybody else
turns out to be the worst.
[fire crackling]
You got a good head on
your shoulders, Missy.
[calm music]
Duncan, I have a beneficiary.
[Howie panting]
[Howie sobbing]
I want a good fight now, you understand?
You play ball and I promise,
I'll stop him before he kills you.
Oh, you're gonna like
prison. They let you read.
[Howie crying]
[feet scratching]
What the f*ck is taking him so long?
[tense music]
[ground crunching]
[Rosie screaming]
[tense music]
[paper crackling]
[telephone ringing]
I told you to only
call me in emergencies.
Here, say something.
No, no!
Drop the phone, you b*tch!
Make it scarry.
What the f*ck's going on, Rosie?
Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?
[Gary] Where are you?
Howie's apartment, listen,
he's not alone!
[tense music]
[tool scratches]
[phone ringing]
Tank.
It's the middle of the f*ck' night.
[Gary] Howie's at it again.
Okay.
[Gary] He's got Rosie now.
Yeah, I'll be right over.
[phone taps]
[tense music]
Who was that?
[sliding door scratching]
[ground crunching]
[tense music]
[zipper zipping]
[tense music]
[tool pounds]
[tense music]
[crickets croaking]
[keys jingle]
Here, let me help you with that.
[chuckles] That's all
you're helping me with, Tank.
Don't get any ideas.
[tense music]
[tool pounding]
[door thudding]
[g*n fires]
[body thuds]
Oh God.
I'll call the police.
Gimme two minutes.
[tense music]
[ground crunching]
[terrifying music]
The cops are seconds away.
There's no chance to escape.
You might as well give yourself up.
It'll be easier for everyone.
I can't let you win, Tank.
I can't let you win.
k*ll him, Tank.
k*ll him.
[tense music]
[weapon pounds]
[flesh mushing]
[Rosie panting]
[siren wailing]
They're right here next to the cruiser.
[siren wailing]
[radio distorts]
Once I saw he had the
girl, well, I had no choice.
You did the right thing, Tank.
It's my nature.
How'd you get in?
Well, the door was
all, here's Johnny like
when I got here.
[sheriff chuckles]
Well, what happened when you got inside?
Well, he had a g*n to the girl's head
and he said, "Don't move or
I'll blow the b*tch's head off."
That's when I grabbed Gary's
ax and I just, I threw it.
- Jesus.
- Lucky me.
That's not what he said.
He said, "I can't let you win."
He was nuts though.
- Oh.
- What did he mean by that?
And what about the other guy?
Hold up, other guy?
A guy in the black mask.
He snuck off right before Gary showed up.
Somebody called him on his phone
and then he went out the window.
Well, that all happened
right before Gary showed up?
Hell, maybe he planned the
whole thing to frame Howie.
[chuckles] Why don't you
leave the detective work
to us, okay? [chuckles]
Howie wasn't pointing the g*n at me.
It looked like he was gonna sh**t himself.
She's been through a
lot, that poor thing.
This was on the ax man, it's a black mask.
Sick son of a b*tch.
Goddam, he always had a
manipulative quality about him.
Didn't he have a manipulative
quality about him?
Yeah, I only saw him once
but I think he had
a manipulative quality
about him, you know?
In his eyes.
Yeah, in his eyes. Yeah.
Well, [chuckles] I hate
using the term cut and dry,
but seems ain't much mystery left.
Hey, Rosie, you say the masked man
was about that size?
Gary, he wouldn't.
No, he-
- Cruel world, kid.
Hell, maybe somebody set him up.
[group laughing]
Tank, you had a g*n.
It looked like the same kind of g*n
as the guy with the mask.
I'd wait until you calm down a bit
before you say something you don't mean.
"k*ll him, Tank. k*ll him."
Those were your exact words.
Let's just be thankful you're
not a suspect [chuckles] yet.
Well, Tank, I'll be goddamed
if you haven't made our jobs
a whole hell of a lot easier.
[chuckles] I can't say case
closed yet, but keep her up.
[chuckles] Well, you keep making love
to that beautiful woman that
was dumb enough to marry you.
[chuckles] You tell Vera I said hi.
[sheriff chuckling]
[Tank chuckling]
That's the only thing
I'm gonna tell her,
you son of a b*tch.
Oh yeah.
[g*n fires]
[Rosie gasps]
[Tank chuckles]
[Rosie gasps]
[body thuds]
What the f*ck's going on in there?
[Keith] He was f*cking with the g*n.
He said it wasn't loaded.
No, I said it might not be loaded based
on the shells we found.
Well, that's what I was checking it for.
Right.
I was checking to make
sure the g*n was empty
and it went off accidentally.
I'd hope it was accidental.
You f*cking idiot.
That guy was my friend.
I'm sorry.
f*ck yeah, you're sorry.
You're gonna get fired,
you stupid piece of sh*t.
Wait, we're gonna have
like a hearing first, right?
You mean an investigation?
Oh, [chuckles] oh yeah.
Yeah, there'll be an investigation.
You'll have to forgive me,
but I'm not used to this level
of dumb f*ck in my daily routine.
But I'll get to tell my side of it,
about the accident part.
We know your side of
it. We watched it happen.
Keith, what happened?
He was f*cking with the g*n,
it went off and he shot
that guy in the head.
Pretty reckless if you ask me.
He coulda stopped me.
He should get in trouble too.
Goddammit, I thought
you were a decent cop.
[chuckles] sh**ting a guy randomly.
What an egghead.
Yeah. Sorry about your face, Rosie.
What if I didn't hit him?
What if something else
made his head explode,
like at the same time?
Lemme see that.
Bring me that g*n, you
simple son of a b*tch.
[g*n clicks]
Go home to your mommy,
you f*cking idiot, get!
[sheriff sighs]
f*ck, [sighs] I really like that guy.
Wait a minute, you said
Tank had a g*n too?
He and the mask guy had that same g*n.
Would be nice if I could
question Tank about it,
but he won't answer 'cause he doesn't have
a f*ck' head, Mickey!
Yeah.
Go wait in the car, Keith.
Oh, but I was just-
- Go wait in the car!
- Okay.
Goddam nerve wracking sons of b*tches.
[sheriff sighs]
Try and get some rest, sweetie.
Don't call me that.
Fine. Keep the rag, b*tch.
What's the ETA on that ambulance?
They stop at goddam Chuck E. Cheese?
[radio beeps]
[radio distorts]
[suspenseful music]
I hate to disappoint, Jack,
but I just popped one off in the bathtub.
If you're here for a nepotism f*ck,
it'll have to wait till after lunch.
I just had a few questions, Liz.
Thought we could chat over some tea.
[wheelchair squeaking]
I drink four things,
blood, c*m, coke and rum,
and I've already had three of those today.
[wheelchair squeaking]
[can snaps]
[soda burbling]
[gas fizzing]
Hope you don't mind diet.
I'm trying to tone up
for some summer c*ck,
and this is all they had left
after all the panic buying.
Pussies think soda's gonna save
'em from being cannibalized.
Yeah, [chuckles] these salties,
they'll fade away just like any fear fad.
We'll recover and we'll just
move on to the next one.
[sheriff chuckles]
Salties, did you make that up?
No, that's kinda the
unofficial term for 'em.
Salty, salt heads.
That's f*ck' funny. I like that.
Say, is it true that you
do just the right amount,
these bath salts get
you a pretty good high?
Not like eating people high,
but like a regular, you know,
lose your pants and dance kind of high?
One nose can put you over the edge
or at least get you hooked.
That's how it starts.
I say don't do it at all.
At least until this epidemic is over.
We really need to cut the numbers.
How you holdin' up after last night?
Slept like a baby. What did I miss?
The pervert k*lled the
vigilante and Tank swooped in,
stopped him from k*lling a feminist?
Yeah.
Then Tank got shot by
that Ret*rded guy, right?
How's he doin'?
- Mickey?
- No, Tank,
got nicked in the head real good I hear.
Yeah. Yeah, he got nicked real good.
He's dead.
Exploding head, that's not an easy one
to bounce back from you, you okay?
Tank always was a f*cking p*ssy.
Do you want ice with that?
No thank you, ma'am.
Goddam, triple homicide in one night.
f*ck' circus troop I got living here.
That's kinda what I wanted
to talk to you about, Liz.
Have you noticed any
strange behavior coming
from your tenants over
the last couple weeks?
Of course. They're all freaks.
The girl was dating some musician.
She threw out the other night.
I had to evict one guy 'cause
he was getting mold.
Can you believe that?
Who lets their apartment get moldy
and doesn't pay to have it fixed? [scoffs]
And the vigilante, I
forget his name, Harry.
- Gary.
- Gary disrespected me
every chance he could.
He even made threats to buy this place
from the owner and take over.
[Sheriff] Aren't you the owner?
Not yet, I'm sublettin' to these folks
until I feel like buying it outright.
That's if I don't become
president first or move to Mexico,
marry a buff guy.
[chuckles] Could Gary have
really bought this place?
Said his sister got eaten
by a whale while workin'?
Apparently if your last
living relative gets k*lled
by a famous mascot,
you're entitled to a
serious chunk of change.
He told you his plan?
He told Tank.
Tank told you?
Si, Sheriff.
What else did Tank say?
Hipster boy was a pervert.
You know that, saw the pictures.
Tank took the pictures?
[Liz] He might've
He do a lot of stuff like that.
Stuff like what?
Spying on tenets.
Of course. Tank was the muscle.
My little detective.
You know how people are these days.
I wouldn't want any of these
deviants getting screwy.
Yeah, it doesn't make sense
that Gary would set the whole
thing up to frame Howie.
He had a vendetta against pervert
since his sister died.
But why the hell did he charge Howie
with the ax if he left him with a shotgun?
Probably thought one handed
stumpy couldn't fire it off
or he was too scared, too weak.
Common among hippies.
Easier for some to f*ck little girls
than to sh**t a full grown man.
That is a possibility.
Were Tank's prints on the g*n?
No, but Rosie said she saw it on him.
Rosie sounds like she's full of sh*t.
Tank's allowed to carry a g*n,
especially if he's entering
a pervert m*ssacre house.
Probably carried it everywhere,
you know, the salt heads.
Right, but he acted like it wasn't his.
Why would he lie?
You knew Tank for a very long time.
You've known this little girl how long?
True, I guess we can't
rule her out either.
People have abducted themselves before.
There's no other witnesses
to a guy in a mask.
How do you know Rosie didn't make
the whole thing up to frame Tank?
Well, we found a mask on Gary.
Hell, she could be framing both of 'em.
She probably wanted to take down all
the privileged white men she could.
You know, she may not look it,
but I heard she's mixed ethnicity.
She said she called Gary
after she was abducted?
What kind of shitty kidnapper
let's the victim make a call,
let alone two kidnappers?
Why didn't you call 911?
This story has more holes in it than
a wh*re after a drive-by.
I'd say you found your
prime suspect, Sheriff.
They're alive and well,
and they're female.
Well, okay, thank, you Liz.
I do appreciate the hospitality.
I guess I'll go check her door again.
She wasn't there before?
Nope. Afraid not.
You'd think after getting abducted,
havin' a guy's head
blown off in your face,
you'd wanna sleep in a little.
Now where could she be
that's so damn important?
I get a call last night
from one of my clients who
for two years has had no
beneficiary to his will.
He says he has this neighbor he wants
to leave everything with
that he barely knows.
Any idea why he might wanna do that?
For your sake, I hope
this letter explains it.
[paper crackling]
[Gary] Hey, Rosie.
If you're reading this, well, I'm dead.
I've been thinking about
something you said to me today,
and you're absolutely right.
None of us are perfect. Myself especially.
And you showed me what a
self-righteous prick I was being,
and I want to apologize for that,
which leads me to this next little tidbit.
I'm adding you as the sole
beneficiary to my will.
Remember all that, sorry,
your sister got eaten
by Shamu money?
Yeah, it's a lot. You're welcome.
And, no, I'm not leaving it to you
as some overblown apology.
It's more than that,
because there is literally no living heir
to the Covax estate aside
from some wackos on 23andMe.
I've been thinking a lot about
who I'd leave this money to since Bev died
and no one else I've met
in this sad f*cking world
has shown anything near the level
of goodness she exuded in every moment
of her short and sweet little life.
And don't get me wrong.
I mean, you're far from perfect,
you uppity little b*tch,
but compared to everyone else
in this town, you're pretty all right.
You know, everyone should
have a little b*tch in them.
Bev sure did.
It's using that b*tch strategically,
like standing up for yourself.
I mean, that's the key.
But never let hurt overtake your spirit
and don't let the b*tches
surrounding you get you down.
If something happens to me,
I want this money to
go to someone who might
do some good with it.
At the moment,
it should be just over
two million. [chuckles]
But don't get your hopes up.
If I don't end up ripped apart
by one of these comey comic cannibal bums,
I'm gonna buy something
real special with it.
But if any of this jackpot is left
by the time you're reading
this, be responsible with it.
Don't just blow it all on makeup, Gary.
It says he didn't know
anybody else who deserved it.
[paper crackling]
And I remind him of his sister, I think.
You didn't put a g*n to his head
and make him write this, did you?
No, I didn't.
I'd be lying if I said this wasn't
the most f*cked up legal
situation I've ever heard of.
It's gonna be such a b*tch.
You'd be investigated of
course. Geez, what a headache.
You think I believe it?
I'm still trying to pull brain
chunks outta my f*cking hair.
I don't give a sh*t if
you think it's a headache.
I'll do what I have to.
Even if that means bribing a sleazy
and crooked, yet silently
dressed and good hearted lawyer.
[sighs] Bullshit.
Not if you want that money
before your 90th birthday.
[paper crackling]
From the looks of it, you
can definitely afford that.
Just 5%, and I can get
you some of it today.
[paper crackling]
Two.
Ten.
[paper crackling]
Five. Done deal.
My new condo and I
accept your generous offer.
A pleasure doing business, Ms. Perkins.
That'll be Landlady Perkins pretty soon.
[wheelchair squeaking]
[tense music]
[wheelchair creaking]
[Liz sighs]
[bones cracking]
Ah, f*ck me, whew.
She is only incriminating
herself skipping town
after a situation like that.
She'll be back in search
of a helping hand, I'm sure,
[chuckles] she'll return.
[feet tapping]
And before she does
return, we'll drop her off
a little surprise from
our dear departed Howie.
[tense music]
Nepotism with the sheriff aside,
we must eliminate any suspicion
on me and my sweet Tank.
Sh, that'll be our little secret.
Wouldn't wanna lose any more
than them salties took from you, would we?
You didn't happen to play
drums in your band, did you?
Bass, guitar?
[tense music]
You'll be fine without legs,
but you'll need them hands
if you wanna keep strutting.
And more importantly, Slash,
you can't be a rockstar without your junk.
You can keep all that
sh*t if you just stay put
and don't try to Houdini
your way outta here.
Who knows, if you're good,
maybe for Ozzfest I'll
loan you my wheelchair.
Well, as my grandkids say over text, TTFM,
that's ta-ta for now, I think.
Lucius, no, stay outta there!
[tense music]
[tires rumbling]
[door clicks]
[telephone ringing]
Wipe your face.
[telephone ringing]
Ma, can it wait?
[Liz] Huh?
Can it wait?
[Liz] No, it can't.
All right, well, what
is it? Make it fast.
[Liz] Huh?
Make it fast.
[Liz] Huh? Make it fast?
Yeah.
[Liz] Yeah. All right.
All right, so?
[Liz] Yeah.
Yeah what, Ma?
[Liz] Well, what are you
doing that's so damn important?
I'm picking up the kids.
[Liz] Huh, you're...
Picking up the kids.
[Liz] Yeah. Wait, we picking
up the kids from where?
From school.
[Liz] I thought they closed the schools.
They did. Today's the last day.
I could already see two of them things
in the street out front.
Look, we gotta go. I'll call you later.
[Liz] It's important.
Tank died in the skirmish
last night, Kate.
I know he died.
His brains are splattered
all over the yard.
We're talking about a movie.
Just look at your phones.
[Liz] Well, that makes three
tenants are lost last night.
We're having some newbes
coming today for orientation.
Did they sign leases?
[Liz] What?
Leases, did they sign leases?
I thought you said Reese's.
Yeah. They all signed this morning.
Eager beavers, huh?
Tells you what a time we're in, don't it?
Everyone's picky as f*ck
about where they live
until there's an epidemic.
Then all of a sudden
Liz's sh*t shack looks
like Buckingham Palace.
I've already got a fourth lease drawn up
and ready to go.
Fourth lease, I thought
you only lost three tenants?
Who's leaving, the girl?
We're gonna change
some things around here.
Cleanse the waters, if you will.
If certain evidence gets discovered
by a certain friend in law enforcement,
well, certain people may
be moved from their homes.
Moved from their homes
into f*cking prison I mean.
Why can't you just evict
her? You have martial law.
She deserves worse.
You go around accusing a
man like Tank of conspiracy,
that's like accusing me of conspiracy.
And we all know my moral
code's pure as a diamond ring.
[tense music]
[tense music]
I told you to wipe that
chocolate off of your face.
What are you doing eating that sh*t?
I told you to only eat what I pack.
Hey, this is a serious time, Willie.
You have to be adamant
about what Mama tells you.
It's for your safety.
He didn't eat chocolate.
I saw what it was.
What was it?
It was on the ground.
Some kids told him to eat it,
so he got on the ground and he did it.
What?
It was more complicated than that.
You better tell me exactly
what happened right now, boy.
It's called popping.
What, what's popping?
Tough kids do it.
You test your endurance by seeing
what you can put in your mouth.
It's a way to expand your tolerance.
Some kids do bugs
or dirt, wax.
What did you eat?
Well, one kid said he
ate a bunch of wasabi.
What did you eat, Willie?
Tell me now.
It looked like dog poop.
What? Did you put in your mouth?
It was the principle of it all.
I wanted to do something brave.
You're a f*cking idiot.
[Reporter] The bath
salt epidemic has reached
an all time high
with an estimated almost
30 million confirmed cases
across the country.
The President has granted
law enforcement the ability
to use whatever means necessary
to stop those affected by these drugs.
It is said the next step for containment
and eradication will be martial law.
[feet tapping]
[victim screams]
Help, somebody, somebody.
[salties roaring]
[tense music]
[salties screeching]
[flesh mushing]
[keys jingling]
[tense music]
Hi, we're waiting for the landlord.
Wow.
Oh, hi Rosie.
Sorry I had to break into your place.
I was just checking on the,
checking the smoke detectors.
Make sure they're all working.
You never know when these crazy salties
might burn some sh*t down.
You're walking now.
You know, this morning
I looked in the mirror
and said to myself, "Just
try it, you lazy b*tch."
You'd be surprised what
strengths can be unleashed
by sheer willpower.
Oh, great. The new followers are here.
You'll get to meet 'em.
I'm actually kind of in a hurry.
Well, we're actually kind
of having a meeting discussing
the new community I wanna build here.
You won't wanna miss it. Come on.
I really can't. I'm sorry.
Well, that's actually kind
of what this is all about.
You see, in this new space,
I wanna promote a dogma
that values making time for each other.
There can be no more
misunderstandings, no more avoidances,
no more assumptions of characters.
We can't let what transpired
with those boys happen again.
Love and cohabitation is the
only way we'll survive this.
Anyone who disagrees
can go munch some legs
with those comic cannibals.
[suspenseful music]
[ground crunching]
We're keeping that, Teddy.
I'll hang it up somewhere.
It's what Tank would've wanted.
Oh, isn't it pretty?
[material zipping]
The world is sick.
Our duty is to be the antibodies
to fight that sickness.
It's always the end times of somebody,
but that's only a state of mind.
Always has been.
We'll recover and when we
recover, we'll grow stronger.
And when we grow stronger,
the world will with us, evolving
into something more rich
and complex than our
forefathers ever dreamed of.
What's the matter, Rosie.
Got a problem with our flags?
That's not our flag.
Close enough, red, white and blue.
Look, it's got stars.
[material rustles]
You just taking everybody's stuff?
Just the stuff I like,
else it goes to waste.
I get the feeling you're
forgetting my authority
in this situation.
Nope, there is definitely
no doubt about that.
Good, then you won't mind waiting here
while Teddy searches your house.
For what?
I really hope this is the
last time you question me.
You must have had a
pretty serious brain fart
if you forgot about
the triple homicide you
were involved in last night.
A homicide in which you're
the last living suspect.
You can hang at Kate's till they're done.
Ma?
Don't think because you
swam through my birth canal,
you get special treatment.
We're all equal here.
Now be a good neighbor.
Help those in need.
Be a good mother. Demonstrate kindness.
Be a good daughter. Do what I say.
New followers, you can take
shelter at Howie's old place
while we clear out the other two.
Which one's Howie's?
The one with the big
blood splat out front.
Oh, is that a plasma?
What do I care? Take that into my place.
I need you to help me
plug in the HDMI cable.
I can never get it in right.
[glass clanging]
[cap cracking]
[liquid burbling]
[cap cracking]
Do you want one?
No thanks. Wanna stay sharp.
What for? You're going to jail.
What?
She planted evidence at your place.
Well, they haven't searched it yet.
I could sneak in-
- You're not going
anywhere until she says,
and she ain't saying
sh*t until they find it.
[Rosie] Find what?
Whatever it is she planted
over there to frame you.
What could it be?
Unless...
Hmm?
Howie's hand.
They never found it, did they?
I don't know, but I'm guessing that'd be
a pretty nifty thing to plant
if you wanted to frame someone,
the victim's f*cking hand,
she probably stuck it in your fridge.
Maybe you could go in and get it?
Maybe I could.
I don't think it'll help much.
I'll do anything. Please.
How do I know you didn't do it?
She's not just framing
you to seal the deal?
You don't know.
I do, I know. Tank would
go to extreme measures
to protect us.
Setting up a lie to bring out the truth.
We all knew Howie was a sick
little f*ck. He had it coming.
But my mother, she's losing
her f*cking mind obviously.
[glass clangs]
[zipper zipping]
[material rustles]
I'll snatch that hand for you.
Touch my kids, and I'll rip your face off.
[door clicks]
[door thuds]
[Emma] Ma said not
to leave till she says.
Ma just left.
But the other lady might
be there. She's a stranger.
One time grandma read
me a story about a girl
who trusted a wolf and then the
wolf ate her and her granny.
"Red Riding Hood"?
That's not real.
Besides, it's a wolf. Of
course you don't trust a wolf.
It's a wolf. Dumb story.
Grandma said it's real.
Grandma's a troll.
A troll? Like in a fairytale?
No, not like, grandma said
that just to mess with you.
She does kinda look like a troll,
so that means fairytales are real then.
Sure.
Trolls really dying fairytales
or they become good like Shrek.
Do you think grandma
will die or become good?
More like she'll die first.
Because she's a troll?
She's more like a witch.
Aren't witches immortal?
Well, in the "Wizard of Oz,"
they k*ll a witch with water.
Or you can burn 'em with a stake, I think.
Water is easier.
I'll try that first.
Mom won't get mad if I
left to stop a witch.
She'll be happy I did it.
[ground crunching]
[door rattling]
[plastic crackling]
[door thuds]
[plastic crackling]
[sighs] I did my best.
I couldn't find anything.
You'll probably have better luck.
You fellas are more built
for this kind of thing.
That we are, ma'am,
See you later, big stuff.
Kate, get in here quick.
[ground crunching]
[officer clears throat]
[door clicks]
I was just looking for-
- I just got off the
phone with Christopher.
Who?
Christopher Lipchitz.
He owns this place.
You haven't bought it off of him yet?
Other commitments got in the way,
but apparently someone else wants to.
They made him an offer
today for two million.
Ma, if you lose this place,
then we're gonna be out on the street
with those things, my kids,
The kids will be fine.
I asked Chris about
this mysterious bidder.
He said it was some
ratty looking girl came
in earlier today,
something about inheriting
a couple million
from a dead friend.
So my old pal, Chris and I get to talking
and he slips me the bidder's
name, Perkins comma Rosie.
And after she steals our
main source of income,
do you really think
she'll keep us as tenants?
And even if she did, would
you wanna live that way,
as a sl*ve?
Yep. In a minute now, they'll
find that hand and cuff her.
Dumb b*tch has no idea what's coming.
Yeah, no idea.
She still at your place?
Where else would she be
with the cops on her a*s
and those PABS freaks swarming the place?
I better go make sure that she stays put
till they come knocking.
Hmm? Careless of you
to just leave her there.
[ground crunching]
Doing favors for a b*tch trying
to kick my babies to the curb?
That'll be the day.
[tense music]
[door creaks]
[feet tapping]
[drawer squeaking]
[door rattling]
You forget something?
Yeah, I just forgot my phone. [chuckles]
[toilet flushing]
[door clicks]
[tense music]
[metal rattling]
An ending worthy of a true rock star.
[terrifying music]
[flesh crunching]
[Emma gasping]
[pot thuds]
[tense music]
What the hell do you think you're doin'?
I'm gonna cook you in
this pot, you little sh*t.
Get up, get up there.
She's a f*cking witch.
[tense music]
[ground crunching]
Hey, you got salts?
How old are you, kid?
They're not for me.
[material rustles]
Thanks.
What the f*ck do you
mean she disappeared?
Of course she did. You left her alone.
How was I supposed to
know she was onto you?
Oh hell no.
Well, what the f*ck did
you leave her alone for,
and with your kids, for what?
So you'd go f*ck around her apartment?
What's that all about anyway?
Snoopin' threw her records?
Lucius!
I left my phone there.
Oh, well, I hope you're happy.
That's horse sh*t.
They're gone now, Kate.
My grandkids are gone and
it's all your damn fault.
Shut up! We'll find them.
You just have to lure
that b*tch back here.
I know she took 'em.
She's on the lamb, dumb a*s.
This is the last place
she'll come back to.
Lucius, come here, boy.
Well, if she wants to buy this place,
then she better exonerate herself.
And the only way she's
gonna do that is to prove
that you set her up.
She won't last long out there
with those freaks from the streets anyway.
How do we get her to come back here?
I have a plan for that, dear.
Just sit your a*s on this couch
while mama cleans up the mess.
Keep an eye out for that cat.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna have this
motherfuckin' smoothie.
[smoothie machine whining]
[phone vibrating]
[keypad popping]
[Liz] Hey, babe, listen.
I dug up some dirt on Liz.
We could take their asses down.
You just gotta meet me
at their apartment asap.
I promise it'll work,
babe. Just get over here.
Well, see you soon.
Have it your way, you stupid b*tch.
[ground crunching]
[feet tapping]
Hey, do you speak English or are you one
of those tweaked out
Tourette's m*therf*ckers?
Depends on the day.
[paper crackling]
You wanna do me a solid?
[pan tapping]
Everybody out, get out here at once.
Everybody out, get the f*ck out here.
[pan tapping]
Hello, for those of you who don't keep up
with current events,
[pan rattling]
I'd like to present to you a
direct result of the savagery
that's overtaken this world.
[terrifying music]
Found him on the street,
legs eaten by them salties.
He used to live here
and the minute his sadistic
ex-girlfriend kicked him out,
look what happened.
Legs chunked off just like the new saying.
His throat's been cut open.
Salt heads did that too
or he did it to himself.
Couldn't handle living a legless life.
These rockstar types, they're
narcissists, you know,
obsessed with appearances.
Why didn't you take him to a hospital?
Have you ever heard the story
of the as*h*le who asked
too many questions?
He got evicted. So shut the f*ck up.
Everyone, I know you're
a little trepidatious
about the investigation,
but I assure you there is
nothing to worry about.
Everyone involved has
been k*lled, except one,
and I have a feeling that'll
be taken care of quite shortly.
We're starting anew here,
cleansing the waters.
We must throw paranoia out the window
and start trusting each other, god dammit.
Out there, that's the enemy.
If we stand together, we can beat him.
If we don't,
that's the future for all of us.
Is that why you're
charging us $4,000 a month?
Shh. Don't get on her bad side.
You madam are an idiot.
No more questions for today.
Oh wow. What's that?
You found Howie's hand in Rosie's fridge.
Everyone, the investigation is over.
We have found our culprit.
That that girl kidnapped herself
and got those boys to m*rder each other.
[plastic crackling]
It was in the drawer. How'd
you know whose hand it is?
I've been quite close
to this investigation
since the beginning, right, Sheriff?
Liz has been a big help.
Why don't you question her again?
I think Del Taco's hiring.
You dippy son of a b*tch.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
What's all this about
finding it in the drawer?
It wasn't in the fridge?
It wasn't in the fridge, huh?
[ground crunching]
[terrifying music]
There she is!
Sheriff, the b*tch is
back. Send all your men.
She's got my grandkids, for Christ's sake.
[ground crunching]
[terrifying music]
God dammit, go get her!
I'll leave a couple of men out
front in case she comes back.
Not necessary, Jack.
We've got it covered.
Leave no stone unturned. Go now.
[sighs] God dammit.
I put that hand in the fridge, Kate.
Forgot your phone did ya?
The fridge would've been too obvious.
I didn't want you to f*ck this up.
Well, f*ck this up was leaving
that murdering b*tch alone
to run off with my grandkids.
I'd say that's what f*ck
this up, drawer lady.
I'm not terribly surprised though.
You've always been a f*ck-up
since you were a girl.
Always running off doing dumb.
That's why Clark left you, no doubt.
That, and you're ugly. [slurps]
Stop talking, Mother.
I don't have to talk.
I'll just sit here and think it.
Sit here and think about
my dumb ugly daughter
while we wait for the
cops to save her kids
Kids she lost to a m*rder*r b*tch
you stupidly left them alone with.
Stop talking, Mother.
I'm not mad. You only
did it 'cause you're dumb.
Yeah, I'll just sit here and think.
Stare at your ugly face.
Smell your ugly stink. Think
about how dumb you are.
They'll be back any minute, Kate.
Then you'll never have to see her again.
And you don't even know you're dumb.
That's the worst part.
Most of 'em at least know they're dumb
but you, you're lower than that.
You actually can't see it.
[tense music]
[Emma] Mom!
Emma?
Oh yeah. [chuckles]
Yeah, she came over for some cookies.
[tense music]
Where's my little boy?
I don't know.
Okay, Emma, I want you to go home
and I want you to wait for Mommy, okay?
Gonna leave her alone
so you can lose her again?
You took her, you sick old c**t.
I didn't. She barged in
when sh*t was going down.
Had to protect her from her own curiosity.
Emma, I want you to
go wait in the bathroom
and don't come out till
I come get you, okay, go.
Turn on the vent.
Where's Willie?
I don't know. She came by herself.
You wouldn't dare try to get
your sweet Mammy in trouble.
I've got these cops
wrapped around my finger.
One flick of my wrist and
you're behind bars, Missy.
I'm gonna ask you one more time.
I told you I haven't seen-
[g*n fires]
Don't move.
What the are you doing here?
I said don't move. Put
your hands on your head.
You're not a cop anymore, idiot.
Put that g*n away before you
blow off another innocent head.
I knew there was something
up with you crazy b*tches.
They're all too blind to
see, but I'm gonna show 'em.
We're not scared of you, Hussy.
I've k*lled and f*cked
men twice your size.
Bryce is successful too.
What the f*ck are you doing?
I need water.
Stop moving, now.
Stop or I'll...
What the is wrong with you?
I feel, I taste, it tastes like...
Does it taste like
kitties and bath salts?
[tense music]
Oh sh*t.
What?
I said does it taste
like kitties bath salts?
Baby, what'd you do?
You and grandma lost your mind,
setting up innocent people, kidnapping.
You guys are acting like evil queens.
Oh, I'm glad you're okay.
I'm not okay.
[tense music]
You son of a b*tch!
[terrifying music]
[flesh crunching]
[victim screaming]
[flesh crunching]
[terrifying music]
[flesh mushing]
What the f*ck are you doing, girl?
You not feeling it?
Feeling what?
[tense music]
[liquid mushing]
What the f*ck is this?
It's to take the edge off the salts.
Lucius, what have you done with Lucius?
Where is he?
[tense music]
Oh, you evil little sh*t.
My poor baby, Lucius.
I'll k*ll you.
[Willie] I'm already dying, grandma.
Not fast enough.
[feet tapping]
[ground crunching]
[g*ns firing]
Are we seriously out of a*mo?
How the do you use all your
a*mo on one little girl?
[salties growling]
[salties roaring]
[flesh crunching]
[tense music]
You're a sociopath. I've
noticed since you were five.
[Willie grunting]
[tense music]
[Liz grunting]
[door rattling]
[tense music]
You.
[chainsaw rattling]
[tense music]
[chainsaw roaring]
[g*n fires]
[body thuds]
[body thuds]
[chainsaw roaring]
I've been waiting for
you, you conniving b*tch.
This is all your fault.
[Rosie moaning]
Oh, ta ta ta ta ta.
[chainsaw roaring]
[Rosie screaming]
[flesh mushing]
[chainsaw roaring]
[leg pounds]
[tense music]
[tense music]
[Rosie grunts]
[tense music]
What the are you doing, Ma?
Chopping the evil b*tch's legs off.
You've lost goddam your mind.
You're one to talk, cop eater.
What?
[Rosie] You just k*lled that cop.
You're going to jail.
He's not a cop anymore.
I, no, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Well, only if...
If what?
If they can prove it was you.
I'm gonna have to come identify you
and I can only recognize your face if...
If what, b*tch?
If you have one.
[chuckles] You stupid
f*cking b*tch. I got you.
[Kate laughing]
[tense music]
[flesh mushing]
[Kate grunting]
[blood pattering]
[Kate grunting]
I'm free, you f*cking b*tch. [laughing]
[Kate grunting]
[tense music]
Jesus Christ.
[flesh mushing]
[Kate grunting]
[tense music]
Girl, come on.
[Kate screaming]
[tense music]
[Rosie] What about you?
Shut the f*ck up, hipster.
You're not talking your way out of this.
Not a scratch on you.
What are you getting at?
You think you're just
gonna walk outta here
no questions asked?
I'll have answers.
How did you manage to
avoid a single scratch?
I was in the army. I'm tough.
I don't care how tight
you're with the sheriff.
If you don't lose something,
they're gonna know that it was all you.
Look around, you're not
getting out of this clean.
[chainsaw rattles]
All my life I've wondered about pain.
How those "Ripley's
Believe It or Not!" guys
can burn themselves
with hot coals and sh*t.
I thought it was movie
magic. Maybe nerve damage.
[Rosie panting]
See, a long time ago,
I had to make a choice
between love and comfort.
I chose comfort
and I haven't felt anything since.
[tense music]
[sirens wailing]
I'll never choose comfort again.
[chainsaw rattles]
[chainsaw roaring]
What the?
[chainsaw roaring]
Stop! For God's sakes, don't.
[chainsaw roaring]
[flesh mushing]
It's not so bad!
f*ck [indistinct] too! Woo!
[chainsaw roaring]
[screen booms]
[ground crunching]
[helicopter blades chopping]
One b*llet wouldn't do the trick, huh?
That'd have been too easy
for those poor f*ck.
Thank God for the army.
And impatient commander in chief.
Desperate times call for desperate-
- Fast and messy solutions.
Martial law sounds better.
How'd you manage to survive
out here all this time?
Liz always referred
to the manhole condo when
she joked about evicting us.
Figured taking her up on that offer
was the least she could do.
Yeah, could've been worse compared to...
Planning on upgrading to above ground?
Yeah. New management coming in.
Might try my luck here again.
After everything that happened?
f*ck yeah. Takin' back what's mine.
What about money?
Let's just say I've
capitalized on current events.
You've been selling the drug fix.
Not quite, bottom line,
I'm out of that hole,
and it can't cost too
much to live here anymore.
The new landlady can't be
a worse b*tch than the last one, right?
[ground crunching]
And they worshiped me, I tell ya,
in their own private little ways.
The peace was kept until
that fateful knack.
During the peak of the troubles,
the complex was raided by salties.
As a symbol, a hero to these people,
it was my duty to protect,
but a woman of my age,
I could only fight 'em off for so long.
It's just a matter of time
before those b*stards ate my legs.
But it's not their fault.
They're just victims of
the time, poor dears.
I'm all right, mostly healed.
It's the emotional scars
I'm waiting to close up.
I feel worse for my
followers, to be honest.
How will they survive
without their North Star,
their courageous leader?
That's my cross to bear.
Pendulum swings both ways.
The lower I go now,
the higher I'll be when
balance is restored.
It's the nature of the universe.
A little rest, and I'll grab
life by the ba*ls again,
like I always do.
I'll be the sexiest legless b*tch wheeled
into the White House since Roosevelt.
I'll start humbly, run
for secretary of state,
and I'll follow that up by winning.
[door squeaking]
All right, how are we feeling
today, Mrs. Topham-Myrtle?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm wonderful
now that you are here.
- Hmm.
- I got a heavy load
for you though, ah.
Thank you so much, hun.
Don't let anyone else see that.
Oh, I definitely won't.
Keepin' up appearances. [chuckles]
Bring back a bigger one.
[Liz spits]
f*ck' disgusting.
[fly buzzing]
[flesh slaps]
[lips smacking]
[tense music]
[tense music]
[helicopter blades chopping]
[keys jingling]
[mellow music]
[tense music]
[tense music]
[tense music]
[dramatic music]
[tense music]
[tense music]
[dramatic music]
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Hemet, or the Landlady Don't Drink Tea (2024)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341