01x04 - Sex, Lies and Videotape

[bunniefuu]

[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

KEVIN: Hey.

I brought you some breakfast
as a peace offering.

Food here is a little tricky.

It's just a closet full of beef jerky.

Apparently, Macho Man Randy
Savage was an alum here,

and he left his entire food
supply to Ron in his will, so,

snap into a Slim Jim?

Care to join me for breakfast?

Of course.

Jerky for two. [CHUCKLES]

Um... look,

I wanted to apologize.

- You know, I didn't mean to...
- Stab me?

Well, I wasn't gonna use those words.

Look, Ron... Ron is crazy.

I'm serious. He's... he's nuts.

Sick-in-the-head crazy.

And I'm convinced that
that m*therf*cker k*lled

a dude named Rodrigo.

And the m*therf*cker tried to k*ll me

just for being around his office.

And as far as your arm goes,
I know you think I'm lying...

I heard "retractable."

You know, I've dated
guys like you before.

It's always someone else's fault.

That's not true.

That's not true at all.
When I'm wrong, I...

I shouldn't say that
'cause I'm never wrong.

If... if I'm wrong,

I have no problem
admitting that I'm wrong.

But in this case, I'm
not. He said "retractable."

Hey, part of me is glad you stabbed me.

It's a badge of honor.

I heard when Jason
Statham came through here,

he got stabbed directly in the heart.

Did he survive that?

He shot Transporter, like, a week later.

What the f*ck?

In the heart? They
stabbed him in the heart?

- Yep, right through it.
- g*dd*mn it.

Maybe I'm just doing the
wrong f*cking thing here.

I mean... [LAUGHS]

... maybe this just
isn't for me, you know?

So, just leave.

Go home. I'm sure there's

a real hero somewhere in
need of a goofy sidekick.

Okay, uh, that backfired.

I thought that you would
go the opposite direction

and tell me that, no, I should stay,

and that this is for me.

That's what I... thought...

Well, what do you want me to say?

If you need extra
motivation to be the star

of a Claude Van De
Velde movie... [CHUCKLES]

... uh, you're in the wrong business.

This is probably my only shot
to be a big action star, so

I'm not gonna blow it.

I'll do anything it takes.

You're right.

You are absolutely right.

I need to stop all the
bitching and moaning,

and I need to cowboy the f*ck up.

There you go.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

When I first started in the business,

training action stars,

every stunt scene was practical.

Or, as Kevin might say,
"retractable." [LAUGHS]

Oh, that's really good. That's great.

- It's not funny.
- But the industry has changed.

You can't even be an
action star without,

well, knowing how to work green.

Uh, I'm very familiar
with the green screen.

I mean, I've done about 15 movies

where we've had a green screen.

In which of those 15 movies
were you the leading man?

Any idiot can jump on a green screen

and pretend to be eaten by a CG dragon.

Hell, even Little Kevin can do that.

Oh, hell no!

Okay, who's finding the
time to dress him like me?

- It's really...
- WILCOX: Okay, question.

What does a leading
woman or a leading man

get to do on-screen
that sidekicks don't?

- Win fights.
- Uh, m*rder bad guys.

Make love.

Today's lesson is in lovemaking.

Yes!

[CLEARS THROAT] On the green screen?

Are we doing it on the green screen?

- Bingo.
- KEVIN: Nice.

Adding effects to the bed, to
the wall, just cracking 'em.

Okay, I'm gonna be candid.

I... I don't want to
do a sex scene with him.

That's fine, 'cause I don't want

to do a sex scene with her. Ugh.

[JORDAN AND WILCOX LAUGH]

- What's so funny?
- Okay, well, look at you,

and then look at her.

And look at you, then her.

- Then you, then her.
- Okay.

I don't get the joke. What
is... ? What... what am I missing?

All right, let me put
it another way. Uh...

Look at you, and then look at her.

[LAUGHS] Then look at you, and then her.

Can we just get this
sh*t over with, please?

Okay, let's discuss motivation.

All right, now...

after almost k*lling each other,

Agent Hart and Agent King

discover that they're on the same team.

After diffusing a b*mb,

at the top of a skyscraper,

in... in the middle of an earthquake,

they discover this overwhelming
passion for each other.

Wait, wait, wait. We... we're
at the top of a skyscraper

in the middle of an earthquake?

Yes! Yes! g*dd*mn it!

You are the dumbest actor
that I've ever worked with!

Go! Action!

- [RHYTHMIC BEEPING]
- Red wire... or blue wire?

- It's got to be the red.
- Are you sure?

Agent Hart, are you sure?

I don't know.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[BEEPING SPEEDS UP]

[EXHALES]

[SOFT CHUCKLE]

♪

WILCOX: Earthquake. Earthquake!

The building's falling apart!

- Oh, okay, um...
- Oh, okay.

WILCOX: Good, great.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, sh*t!

Hold on! Wait! Oh!

- Where you at? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Kevin.

Hold on, wait, give me a second! sh*t!

- Okay.
- Okay, all right.

Come on, it's an earthquake.
It's an earthquake.

- Go.
- Yeah.

- Go.
- Agent Hart,

I can't believe we
just diffused that b*mb.

We just saved thousands
of lives, maybe millions.

This earthquake's got to
be about a 7.5 magnitude.

This could be our last time
being together before we die.

Now kiss her neck
softly and start f*cking.

- [WIRES SQUEAKING]
- What... ? Wait.

Kiss... kiss her neck
and then start f*cking?

Kiss her neck softly and start f*cking!

- Oh, okay. He...
- Uh...

I'm just gonna do it
'cause that's what he s...

- Yeah, no, it's fine.
- Yeah, let me put your...

- Give me that.
- WILCOX: Be sexy! Do something!

- Grab my leg.
- Okay, give me this one.

Have you never had sex before?! Do it!

- That's not...
- We need... All right.

- One second. That's it.
- I think we got it.

WILCOX: Go! Go!

Agent Hart, no. We shouldn't do this.

It's against Bureau protocol.

Well, protocol was meant to be broken.

[SCREAMS]

Help! Help! Don't
drop me! Don't drop me!

Please don't let go! Don't let go!

- I won't! I got you!
- Don't let go!

I've got you, I promise!

CLAUDE: Can you push in a little closer?

KEVIN: Help me! Help me!

I'm too young to die!

Any closer, they'll see the cameras.

Okay, good. Hold there.

- JORDAN: I got you.
- Perfect.

- Help!
- Kevin, you're, like, one foot

- off the ground.
- You cannot teach acting like that.

JORDAN: I'm just gonna
let you down, okay?

KEVIN: Aah!