01x03 - Wonder Woman

[bunniefuu]

Is he okay?

Oh, he's fine.

When Gal Gadot was training with me,

she was on fire for 12 minutes.

She put herself out with a blanket.

He barely lasted 12 seconds.

- This is funny to you?
- Hey.

A leading man must learn
not to sweat the small stuff.

What are you talking
about, the small stuff?

I was on f*cking fire,

- Coach Ron!
- Hey! Knock it off.

There's a lady present,
and I want you to meet her.

Agent Hart, this is Agent Jordan King.

She'll be your bunkmate.

It is a pleasure to
meet you. My pleasure.

Okay, you want to
explain to me why she gets

this nice introduction?

Why isn't she getting hit
in the head with a bat?

When you gonna bop her?

- Excuse me?
- Okay, you know...

Just, when he does this kind of thing,

I just zone him out,
when he starts to whine.

- Come on, I'll give you a tour.
- Okay.

Now, this used to be a slaughterhouse
years ago, up till the '70s.

This brings me to rule number two:

there will be no sexual
intercourse on the premises.

Uh, yeah, um, that won't be a problem.

I didn't think it would be.

I know you have to say it.

It... it's fine, we're good.

All right. So, hey, take a beat.

Okay? Relax, and we'll see you out in 20

on the training ground, okay?

Thanks, Ron. You're the best.

Hey. It's a pleasure.

Dude is a f*cking sociopath.

How do you mean?

How do I mean?

Do you really want to know how I mean?

'Cause I was here a couple
days ago when sh*t hit the fan.

There was a guy in here accusing him

of murdering some dude named Rodrigo.

- Rodrigo?
- Yes, Rodrigo.

Saw the whole thing. And, when
I first walked in this b*tch,

they hit me in the head with a bat.

Not no plastic bat.
With a f*cking metal bat.

And today, today, he let
me catch myself on fire.

"Let me catch myself on fire."

I don't know why you
got to sound it out. Yes.

Let me catch...

No, I see right there, that,
'cause if you slow it down...

You slow it down, it don't sound right,

but you get what I'm saying.

It happened. It f*cking happened.

Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just,

I don't have my phone,
it's weird in here.

Stuff is just starting to f*ck with me.

Maybe, maybe I'm going
a little stir-crazy.

I don't know.

Mmm... That's sh*t.

It's sh*t water.

Yep. g*dd*mn it.

Well, you're not alone anymore. So...

Yeah, well, maybe, but...

Hey, do I know you?

Uh...

I do!

f*ck! You're the girl from
that sitcom, with the robot.

The robot that was a butler, right?

You used to argue with the butler.

"Uh-uh, get the f*ck
out of here, bu... "

You'd do the thing. "Butler b*tch."

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- That's me.
- Wow.

Well, was. I just quit.

Kathryn Bigelow offered me the lead

in her next movie, which is huge...

- Get out.
- ... since there are, like,

what, three total
action roles for women?

Well, it's a lot more
than that, but congrats.

Are you... I mean, want me to name 'em?

Let me go down the list.

You got Wonder Woman, right?
You have the Black Widow.

You got, um... What's
the one, with the woman?

With the, uh...

She's, uh...

The... What's... That's three.

Anyway, um, it's all riding
on this action school.

Just got to prove to Ron
that I've got the chops,

that I'm fit enough.

You ain't got to prove
that to nobody. You are fit.

When you walked in that
door, I said, "g*dd*mn."

Not like that.

I'm not saying it like that.

I don't mean it that way.

I'm just here to train,

- not make friends.
- Yeah.

So, just to be clear.

We're... we're here for the same
thing, right? f*ck friendship.

- Good.
- Yeah.

Mind if I use the bathroom?

Do what you got to do.
Bathroom right there.

Yeah.

I'm gonna need you to just...

Oh. You got to sh*t.

Now, in this lesson,

we're going to focus and explore
the action star's motivations.

Agent King. What is your motivation?

After working undercover in Paris,

I go down to the basement of the Louvre,

where I thwart the theft of
an ancient Egyptian artifact,

when I'm accosted by a rogue agent.

Good. Agent Hart?

"Accost"? That's a
little strong, isn't it?

What the f*ck?

Focus. Focus.

And... ?

Okay, all right. I'm... I'm an agent.

- Yes.
- I'm an agent, and,

um, basically, I got to, I got to go get

Agent King... I got to seduce,

I got to seduce Agent King
in the basement of the Louvre.

And wh... Just a question,
is this, like, some James Bond

- fan fiction or something? What... ?
- And action.

Agent King?

Who wants to know?

Agent Hart.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Not so fast.

Look, you're in great danger.

And the only cure for it is
to come with me to my bedroom.

Seduce her, g*dd*mn it!

Seduce her!

Lure her into the car!

Get in my car.

Get in my car?

f*cking creep.

What'd you call... ?

- What the f*ck was that?
- Beautiful, beautiful.

Keep going, keep going.

What the f*ck you mean, "keep going"?

- What the f*ck, man?
- You have a problem, Agent Hart?

- Yeah, I got a problem, m*therf*cker.
- What is it?

She's Bruce Lee and
I'm some weird creeper.

Oh, it's too challenging for
you to seduce her. Is that it?

Uh, yes, it is, when
you got me looking...

I see what you're doing.

You're trying to get me all riled up.

It's not gonna work.

I'm not falling for your little trap,

and I'm not going
back over here to fight

this f*cking jiujitsu
master with sexy talk.

Oh. You want a change of motivation.

- Yeah, I do.
- Okay. This is your new motivation.

She's a Russian mole
pretending to be an FBI agent.

You eliminate her with this.

It's a prop knife, right?

Retractable.

Now go in there and show her who's boss.

Now we're f*cking talking.

You say she a Russian mole, right?

Okay. I don't like that.

Down goes the mole. Huh?

sh*t. g*dd*mn it.

Hey. I'm about to stab
you in a sec, okay?

Wait a minute.

It's a prop knife. Knock it off... No.

Ow! What the... Oh,
oh, you got to sell it,

make it look real.

f*ck! Ow!

What the f*ck?!

Real blood.

- Oh, my God.
- What have you done to her?

What have you done to her?

I'm so sorry. I thought,

I thought you said it was a retractable.

- Oh, God.
- I said it was "practical."

It's a practical knife!
It's a real knife!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God, she's passing out.

- Oh, sh*t.
- I'm gonna have to stitch her up.

I've got a medical kit in my office.

- All right, I'll go grab it.
- No.

- Ow, ow, ow.
- Go to your room!

You're grounded!

No. What are you talking
about? I'll go grab it.

No!

My office is off-limits to students.

I said my office is off-limits.

If you disobey me again,

the next time I throw that knife,

it'll be through your f*cking skull.