03x02 - Change of Address

[bunniefuu]

["Alfred Hitchcock" theme music]

- Good evening.

Welcome to the
Dead Letter Office.

I trust you have not
come to mail any letters

that are still wriggling.

We now have a firm
policy from which

we are not permitted to waiver.

All letters must
be dead on arrival.

I don't know why
this was necessary.

If any of the letters were
not dead when they arrived,

they certainly would be
before we finished with them.

[thunking]

[woman screams]

[thunking]

This evening we present
Change of Address.

It is about a woman who
has definite reservations

about the house she and
her husband are renting,

doubts which are vague
but very disturbing.

There is one person whose
messages unfortunately

never find their
way into our office.

They are all too
clearly addressed.

That person is our sponsor

and an example of
his work follows.

[gentle music]

[tense music]

[laughing]

- It's true.

And then I had another client

and he had a mortgage
burning party

and he burned the house down.

[laughing]

I'll have the filters
changed in this furnace.

I'm gonna check
out the thermostat

before you move in so
it won't be a hazard.

- The floor is damp.

- That's why you've got
the oil burner down here.

Not like those
skimpy floor heaters

you find in most of the
houses up and down the area.

That's what makes this cellar

such a great feature
in this place.

With this kind of equipment,

comes a cold snap,
you're snug and warm.

The damp won't bother you.

[tense music]

[clattering]
[screaming]

[screaming]

- Elsa!

What is it?

What happened?

- I hate this house.

I don't want to live here.

I don't want to live here.

- What happened?

- How do I know what happened?

I was standing here
looking out the window

when all of the sudden it broke.

That's all.

- Had to be something.

- I don't care what it was.

I don't like the beach.

I never did.

- [Landlord] You'll see
you'll get to like it.

After a couple of weeks, you
wouldn't live anyplace else.

- There it is.

A seagull [chuckles].

- Sea air wrecks everything.

- Must have smashed
against the window.

- Keith!

[clattering]

- Fast thinking.

Thank you.

Did you hurt yourself?

- A bit.

Here, let me have it.

It's just one of those
things, Mrs. Hollands.

It'll never happen again
in a million years.

- Yes, I know.

- That's right, Elsa.

It's nobody's fault.

- I hate this place.

- Why?

Just tell me why, that's all.

- It's the mirrors.

- They'll be down
before you move in.

No problem.

- Did you see the kitchen?

Oh, oh, oh it's great.

And the plumbing's great.

And the floor's don't squeak.

Some paint and polish

and we'll have what
you've always wanted,

our own little love nest.

Mr. Miley, you've
rented yourself a house.

- I'm glad.

I know you'll both
be very happy here.

- Don't I have anything
to say about it?

Don't I?

- We're going to
start a new life here.

Both of us.

Now, come on.

[exhales]

Tell me something, Mr. Miley.

Is this place for sale?

- The owner doesn't
want to sell.

Lives up in Seattle.

Retired hardware
man, name of Wilson.

Came here about four or five
years ago for his health.

He and his wife had
a little trouble.

She moved out.

Went to live in Texas.

- Texas, now that's
the place [laughs].

- What about the Wilson?

- He keeps hoping that
she'll change her mind

and come on back to him.

That's why he keeps
holding onto this place.

- Sentimental.

I like that.

- Maybe he'll change
his mind and sell.

I'll find out.

Meanwhile I'll have this
railing repaired in the morning.

- Oh nevermind.

I'll fix it myself.

I like to do things like that.

- Good.

You can move in
anytime after tomorrow.

Bye.

[tense music]

- What's out there, Keith?

- What?

- What are you looking for?

- A new life, baby.

For you and me.

- Take me away from here.

- Oh.

- It's the sand, the
rocks, and the sea.

It's like the edge of the world.

There's such a
sadness to it, Keith.

That sound, the sea, it's so
mournful, so lost and lonely.

Like death.

- [laughs] Oh baby.

[tense music]

Elsa?

Elsa!

- I can't hear you.

- Come up.

Isn't it great, honey?

- Is that what you
were yelling about?

- Yeah, I wanted you to come
up and share it with me.

- All right, Keith.

Whatever you say.

Keith?

- Hmm?

- Where were you?

I was waiting for you
there on the beach.

I thought you'd come.

- Did you miss me, honey?

- Where were you?

- Down the cellar trying
to figure out something

about the damp and cold,
when it gets damp and cold.

All for you.

- Oh?

- I know how the cold
sticks to your bones, honey,

but I'll figure out something.

Cement, drainage, I'll
figure out something.

Fix up the weak spots,

do a little remodeling
here and there,

and you know what
we've got ourselves?

We've got our own little
castle by the sea.

- I don't want our own
little castle by the sea.

- [chuckles] You're
still new here.

You'll want it.

- Let's go home, Keith.

Now.

- Honey, we just got here.

Besides, I signed the lease.

Look, I want to buy that place.

I've talked to Miley
about making a deal.

- Makes you feel young
to be here, doesn't it?

- And I think I ...

Huh?

What did you say?

- Anyway, younger.

- It's all yours, baby.

It'll do you good.

The sun to keep you warm

and the sea air for that
busted hip of yours.

- I'm all mended now, Keith.

You don't have to repair me.

- You might feel okay,

but bones take longer
to knit at your age.

Longer than you might think.

Besides, there's no better
place than right here

to tend to your knitting.

- If it weren't for you,

I wouldn't have had
a busted hip, honey.

- So I had you take a slope
before you were ready.

- Goaded me into it.

- I figured you had it made.

You're so graceful,
so coordinated.

You know, I take
pride in you, Elsa.

When I first laid eyes on you,

what went through my mind
was that coordination.

Oh, that body coordination.

- I once heard of
a man who was thin

and when asked how
he stayed thin,

the thin man said,
"I think thin."

That's what he said.

Is that how you plan to
keep the years away, Keith?

Think of a way, think young?

Is that the motto on your wall?

- You know what you are, honey?

You're a nut.

You're my own private little nut

in my own private little
castle by the sea [laughs].

- Did you tell little
what's-her-name

you were going to be here?

- Huh?

Tell who what?

- You know.

Little what's-her-name.

I think they call her a typist.

- We've got them things running

around underfoot by the dozen.

- But not like this
little thing, huh?

Not like little what's-her-name.

- You're gonna like it here.

I promise you.

You're gonna love it here.

[dramatic music]

Come here.

Just come here.

[laughs]

[tense music]

Don't cry, honey.

I'll fix it.

Don't cry.

[upbeat music]

[chattering]

[romantic music]

Thanks, sweetie.

- Will you stop for a minute?

- What can I do for you?

- You're really going to do it?

- Yes, I really am.

I'm gonna stay right here.

We're gonna stay right here.

You know what?

I don't understand you.

What did you buy the cement for

if we're not gonna
stay in the house?

What am I paving the cellar for?

The next tenant?

- I bought the cement

because you told me
to buy the cement.

- Mr. Miley told me
the owner always wanted

to pave the cellar and
he said if I've paved it

he'd deduct it from the rent.

Besides, it's good exercise.

It's bending, moving around.

- If paving the
cellar's what you want

then pave it, but
I want to get out.

- Honey.

- There's something
wrong with this house.

I lie awake at night
and I can feel it.

- That's right.

It's damp.

Now look, I'm gonna
dig a drainage ditch,

then I'm gonna pave--

- There is something
wrong with this house.

Something we don't know about.

Keith, let's find an
excuse to break the lease.

All right, I'll do it.

And you know how?

I'll write the owner's wife.

What's his name?

- [Keith] Wilson.

- Wilson.

I'll write Mrs. Wilson

and I'll find out
about this house

and if there is something
we don't know about

it'll be an excuse
to break the lease.

- You know what you oughta do?

Get out on the beach.

Get out in the sun.

Take a swim.

Relax.

Honey, what makes
you so nervous, huh?

Go ahead, take a swim.

The surf is marvelous today.

- All right, but I am
going to write Mrs. Wilson.

- You go right ahead.

[tense music]

- [Elsa] Anybody home?

Keith?

Hey, where are you?

- Down here in the cellar.

- Hi.

So you've started.

Want some lunch?

How come?

- I was gonna take
a little ride.

- Where?

- [Keith] Just feel like taking
a little ride, that's all.

- Want me to go along?

- How was the swim?

- [Elsa] Chilly.

- I saw you talking to someone.

- Pretty girl.

We chatted.

- About what?

- Woman talk.

- That's good.

You met a friend.

- We just chatted for
a bit, that's all.

- Well, I'm gonna wash
up and take that ride.

- Okay, dear.

Have fun.

[tense music]

- Hello there, Mr. Hollands.

Have a seat.

How do you like the house?

- I still love it.

It's great.

- Your wife still doesn't.

- How do you know?

- I just had a call from her.

Reba, didn't I get to have
a call from Mrs. Hollands.

[Reba giggles]
Reba could hear her yelling

at me over there.

- Yelling about what?

- She wanted Mrs.
Wilson's address.

You know, Mrs. Wilson,
the owner's wife.

When I told her I
didn't have it, Reba ...

[giggles]

You should have heard
her, Mr. Hollands,

telling me what I don't
know about running

a real estate office.

What can I do for you?

- I want to buy that house.

- It's a lovely house.

- And I told you
I wanted to buy it

when I first moved in.

Now what have you done about it?

- I've been in touch with
Mr. Wilson all the time.

I told him you wanted
to buy his house

as per your instructions.

- And Mr. Miley, what was Mr.
Wilson's reaction to that?

- I'm awaiting his pleasure.

- [Keith] That's what
you're doing now, huh?

- Yes, sir.

- Well, get on the phone

and tell Mr. Wilson
I'm waiting too.

- Owning that house is getting

to be quite a thing
with you, isn't it?

- That's right.

The sooner the better.

- I'll be in touch.

- Make sure of it.

- Quite a pair, Reba, that
Mr. and Mrs. Hollands.

[laughing]

[Keith sighs]

- Keith?

- Hmm?

- That's a big hole.

- Uh huh.

- What do you need
such a big one for?

- Who's the one who's
always complaining

about the damp, you or me?

- And that big hole's
gonna fix it, huh?

- Uh huh.

- [Elsa] How?

- Look, honey.

It's basic.

It's got to do with
hydraulics and physics,

the principles of drainage.

You wouldn't understand.

- Keith, let me
ask you something.

Do you think you're
ever going to give up

being a 20-year
old, trying to be?

- What are you talking about?

- Have you been behaving?

- Listen, you know
what you oughta do?

Let sleeping dogs lie.

That oughta be your motto.

Let sleeping--

- I was just asking a question.

That's all.

- I've been behaving.

- No more running around
after pretty young things?

No more trying to prove?

Oh Keith, everybody gets older.

Why so frantic?

Why?

- You're in the way.

- [Elsa] Yeah, I know.

- You know, I've got to
tell you something, Elsa.

Right to your face.

Sometimes you get on my nerves.

- Yes, I know.

- It's got to stop.

Take my word for it.

[tense music]

- It is now time to forward
you to our substations,

but I shall clearly
stamp you to be returned

in a few moments.

[thunking]

[upbeat music]

- Having fun, young man?

- Yep.

At 3,500 RPM, those
stars really fly by.

Don't they, honey?

You should have
stuck your head out

of the window and noticed.

- Where are we?

- We're here.

That's where we are.

We're here.

Now come on, baby.

- Where are we?

- There's music and dancing
and wine in there, honey.

It's the scene.

It's great for mending hips.

Now come on.

- I thought we were going

to have some Chinese food

and then a movie.

- Well, I didn't say anything
about an early dinner, did I?

Look, we'll have fun for an hour

and then we'll have dinner.

Are you coming with me
or do I go in alone?

- Not alone, Keith.

Never alone.

[upbeat music]

- You ever seen
anything like this?

You believe it?

- No.

[upbeat music]

There's the girl I
saw at the beach.

She's lovely.

- What I want,
what I really want,

what I'm sure as
sitting here want, oh.

- Keith?

- Yeah, baby.

- It may be, it just very well
may be I want the same thing.

- What are you
talking about, baby?

- What you were talking about.

How we rid ourselves
of each other and when.

Me of you and you of me.

Especially the latter.

- Sometimes you make
my blood boil, baby.

Don't push it, not now.

I'm having fun.

- Look at me when I talk to you.

- I'm looking.

- Wipe that smirk off your face.

Where'd you learn it?

Watching teenagers at play?

The comic strips?

Where?

Wipe it off.

Doesn't become you, Keith.

Not at your age.

- Little old lady
lived in a shoe.

Had so many traumas she
didn't know what to do.

And a hey, and a hey,
and a hey, and a--

[sharp slapping]

You're showing your age, baby.

The next think you know
they'll be asking you

for your ID card.

- Take me home.

- Sure, after this.

After dinner, after the movies.

Then I'll take you home.

- I mean home.

- Oh, you mean
that dainty, cozy,

old folks at home
apartment in Philadelphia?

[laughs] You've
got to be kidding.

- Do you understand?

Can you understand
I loathe it here?

I loathe that house

and the beach and the way
you're acting and with me.

- Wipe the tears out
of your eyes, baby.

They make me look
cruel, inconsiderate,

like no gentleman.

- I loved you.

- You will again when
all those worry wrinkles

are gone around your eyes.

Is that one worry or is
it the finger of time?

Which, Elsa?

[chattering]

- Give me the key.

- Going to dinner?

- Come with me?

- Oh no, no [laughs].

[upbeat music]

Elsa, you wanted the keys.

Here, have fun.

Have a real ball and
don't worry about me.

I'll get home somehow.

[upbeat music]

[tense music]

- [Keith] Honey?

You hear me?

Elsa, why don't you come down

and see what I've done?

I've worked hard, honey.

You'll be pleased.

Come on down.

See what I've done.

Elsa!

- I'm here.

What do you want, Keith?

- How was I to know?

I thought--

- Thought what, Keith?

- I thought maybe
you were on the beach

or maybe you were upstairs

and didn't want to answer me.

How do I know what I thought?

Come on down.

See what I've done.

- So you've finished?

- Yep.

Well, you really can't
see it from there.

- I'm cold.

- You kidding?

Listen to the burner going.

- It's cold all over the house.

- Quite a little
engineering job's

been done here, don't you think?

- Seen one, you've seen
them all I always say.

- Come on, honey.

There's a lot of muscle ache

and back ache in there

and you stand there.

Don't knock it.

It's gonna keep us warm and dry.

You see, I've got it engineered
so that all the water,

all the seepage will
carry right down there.

- Are you proud?

I mean, are you proud
you've dug the hole, Keith?

- Yeah, I am.

- I'm glad for you
because you've done it

and there's a great sense
of achievement in that

and now that you've
done it, we can go home.

So you be a good little engineer

and fill it right back up again.

- Okay honey, I'll fill it up.

- Do that, Keith.

[dramatic music]

A for achievement.

[tense music]

[laughing]

- [Keith] I can wait.

- Hello there, Mr. Hollands.

Have a seat.

- Did you hear from
Mr. Wilson yet?

- As a matter of fact I did.

Had a phone call
from him last night.

That right, Reba?

In a little while I was
gonna run up to your place.

- [Keith] What did he say?

- You notice that I said
your place, Mr. Hollands.

- [Keith] No.

- Well, I did, and it's
yours if you want it.

Mr. Wilson's agreed
to sell for cash.

Seems he's got
some legal trouble,

counsel fees and--

- I'll make out the
check to you or to him?

- I suggest you make
out the deposit to me.

It'll be placed in escrow

pending final
decision of the deal.

- $5,000 okay?

- Reba, would you give
Mr. Hollands a pen?

In a little while when
the forms are made out,

I'll run them up to your house

and you and the
missus can sign them.

- It'll be in my name.

The missus left me.

- Oh?

- Yes, got down
on my knees trying

to keep her here, but she
wouldn't have any part of it.

So Elsa left me.

We had quite an argument
the other night.

It was pretty bitter.

I don't think we'll
ever get together again

so I'm shipping her luggage
back to Philadelphia.

- That house shakes
women up quite a bit.

They don't seem to like it.

- Maybe that house just
doesn't like women,

huh Mr. Miley?

[laughing]

- [Mr. Miley] I'll
run the papers up

as soon as Reba finishes 'em.

[tense music]

- Oh.

- Well.

- That was the start
of something, baby.

- Was it?

- You'll see.

- I will?

- You know what I'm
going to do with you?

I've got a plan.

- Tell me.

- I'm going to start
a reading program.

I'm going to acquaint
you with great literature

and great music,
Mozart, The Three Bs.

We'll visit
galleries, paintings.

I'm going to open
windows for you

that have never
been opened before.

[chuckles]

The first time I saw you,

oh maybe a month ago
when I was first out here

looking at houses, the
first time I saw you

I knew I had a plan for you.

All the things I've ever
wanted to tell a woman,

I knew I had to
tell them to you.

All the things I know.

All the beautiful things.

Books, music, and the secret
way I feel about things.

I knew I had to
teach them to you.

Share them.

- That's sweet.

- Kiss.

[sighs]

- Keith?

- Yeah, baby.

- What about your wife?

- Come here, baby.

You remember when I said that

was the start of something?

That's what I meant.

The end of something is always

the beginning of something else.

What has ended is
my wife and me,

but what has begun
is you and me.

Elsa and I quarreled.

- About what?

- About the house was damp.

- [Rachel] Was it?

- Not anymore.

That house is snug, baby.



You'll love it.

After a decent waiting period.

- You know what you are?

- [Keith] What?

- Wise.

[laughs]

I've been thinking
about what you said.

You make me think, you know.

- About what?

- About the end of something

is always the beginning.

That's very wise.

Very, very wise.

[tense music]

- Hey, Mr. Hollands.

- Yes.

- Can I see you a minute?

I'm Sergeant Bryant out
of the sheriff's office.

Officers Raymo and Felton here.

Nice day, huh?

- Yeah.

- That thing you were doing,

I'd keel over on my back.

- Something I can do
for you, Sergeant?

- Yeah, yeah, there
is, Mr. Hollands.

We didn't want to break in.

We don't have a warrant.

You'll let us in, won't you?

You wouldn't want to stand
in the way of the law.

- Oh no, no.

Well, come on in, fellas.

What can I do for you fellas?

- This the way to the cellar?

No, that's the bedroom.

The cellar's over there.

Off the kitchen.

- Oh, thanks Mr. Hollands.

All right, boys.

You know where to dig.

[groans]

Mr. Miley said it
was okay to dig.

- Sergeant?

- [Sergeant] Yeah?

- Do you want to
tell me how you knew?

- Your wife.

Great head on her shoulders.

She told us.

- Elsa?

She told you?

- Yeah.

First we thought it was
just her imagination.

You know how women are.

They get all worked up.

That's what we thought
your wife did at first.

- I don't know what you're
talking about, Sergeant?

- Didn't she tell you?

See, she tried to
write Mrs. Wilson.

You know, the owner's wife.

Used to live here.

- Yeah, I know.

- Your wife couldn't
find any change

of address for Mrs. Wilson
down at the post office.

She was supposed to
be someplace in Texas

but all her mail
was being forwarded

to Mr. Wilson up in
Seattle regardless.

- So no change of address.

So what?

- That's just what we said.

So what [laughs].

Boy, did your wife
let us have it.

She said, "Any fool would know

"that if a woman
left her husband

"she wouldn't let him get
her mail, now would she?"

No, she wouldn't.

She'd get it herself.

Your wife said that proved

that Mrs. Wilson was dead,

that Mr. Wilson
must have k*lled her

and made up a rigamarole.

[groans]

What?

Did you want to say
something, Mr. Hollands?

Well, she convinced us.

I wired Seattle last night.

Police questioned Wilson.

He thought we'd
already found the body

so he broke down, confessed.

Oh, he k*lled his
wife all right.

He buried her down
there in the cellar,

good and deep right
next to the furnace.

I'd like to
congratulate your wife.

Where is she?

- [Raymo] Hey Sergeant?

- Yeah, what do you want, Raymo?

- [Raymo] Better get
down here, Sergeant.

Bring Mr. Hollands with you.

[tense music]

- The proceeding
was a training film

lent to us by
Husbands Anonymous,

that society of men
who are determined

to learn from the
mistakes of others.

I've decided to leave
my position here.

It's not that it was frightening

being around all
those dead letters,

but some of them had
been dead much too long.

Now for another
commercial followed

by a hint of things to come.

[playful music]

[triumphant music]