["Alfred Hitchcock" theme music]
- Good evening.
This evening's play is
about an elderly recluse
who found a friend.
Just how good a friend I shall
allow you
to judge for yourselves.
I do not believe in usurping
an audience's prerogative.
But before we have our
play, it must be introduced.
This will be done not by me,
but by the three finalists in
the
Alfred Hitchcock lookalike
contest.
The reason for my lack of
enthusiasm for this contest
will be apparent when I
tell you that I entered
and was eliminated in the first
round.
I couldn't make the weight.
I shall turn you over
to Miss Whiteleather,
who is in charge of the
finalists.
- And now for our first
contestant.
- Good evening ladies and
gentlemen.
- Welcome to "The Alfred
Hitchcock Hour."
- This evening, we shall present
a story,
but first a word from our.
- Sponsor.
- Sponsor.
[ominous music]
- [Watchman] What's going on in
there?
Who's there?
[g*n firing]
[engine revving]
[tires squealing]
[siren blaring]
- You didn't have to k*ll him,
Gerald.
♪ Sweet dreamy Dreamland ♪
- Panic and I'll break your arm.
Now, you calmly walk down
to the end of that path,
turn to the left, I'll turn to
the right,
I'll meet you back at the place.
- Now once more, please.
♪ Meet me tonight in Dreamland ♪
♪ Under the silvery moon ♪
♪ Meet me tonight in Dreamland ♪
♪ Where love's sweet roses bloom
♪
♪ Come with the love light
gleaming ♪
- I just love our nightly
sing-togethers.
♪ In your dear ♪
- Oh, good evening, Officer
Petrie!
- Evening, Miss Emmy.
- Come and sing with us.
♪ Sweet dreamy Dreamland ♪
♪ There let my dreams come true
♪
[applauding]
- You have a very nice voice,
young man.
Doesn't he have a nice
voice, Officer Petrie?
Nice to have a nice voice.
- [Gerald] Thank you.
- [Emmy] Is that mine or yours?
- It's mine.
- I thought it was.
I don't ever remember
having a bag like that.
Sit down, sit down.
The birds here just love my
cookie crumbs.
They don't like the
chocolate chips, though.
Now.
[siren blaring]
Oh dear, I just hate
those things going off.
They go off so often.
I have to protect my ears.
They're very sensitive
to sharp noises and cold.
- Goodnight, Miss Emmy.
- Is that fire, ambulance, or
police?
- It's a police siren, Miss
Emmy.
- Did he say goodbye?
- Hm.
- I was just thinking how awful
it is
that people are so mean to each
other.
That's one thing when you get to
be 75,
you see clearer than anything
else
how mean people are to each
other.
It's just awful.
I just shudder to think
what's happened to the horses.
Horses just seem to have
vanished
from the face of the earth.
When I was a little
girl, I had a, my, uh...
Well, I had the most adorable
pony.
Oh dear, now I've forgotten his
name.
Oh, how awful.
Sunshine, Sunshine, that was his
name.
What about Sunshine?
- You were talking about your
pony.
- Oh, yes, I had a pony
whose name was Sunshine.
I talk too much, forgive me.
- My name is Gerald.
- My name is Emmy Wright.
- How do you do?
- How do you do, Gerald?
Gerald, Gerald.
Do you mind if I write that
down?
I find that if I don't write
things down,
I sometimes don't remember.
G?
- E-R-A-L-D.
- G-E-L.
- Here, let me do it for you.
G-E-R-A-L-D.
- Gerald!
- Gerald, that's right.
- Thank you, Gerald, for
sitting here listening to me,
that was very nice of you.
- I enjoyed it.
- You did?
Well, that makes it nicer still.
Nobody ever listens to me much
any more.
It's nice for an old
woman to get listened to.
Nobody ever comes to see me any
more,
I'm almost always alone.
Almost never see a living soul.
- I'll bet you are a very good
cook.
- What?
- I haven't had a home-cooked
meal in years, I'd love to.
- What?
- Well, have dinner
with you, at your place.
It's awfully nice of you to ask
me.
- I did?
Oh yes, well, I happen to have
in my freezing compartment
some stew meet that I've been
saving for something special.
- Well, I'd love to.
When?
- You don't think I'm bold,
asking a total stranger to
dinner?
- It's Leap Year, isn't it?
- Oh, Gerald.
[lighthearted music]
Now, cabbage.
Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage.
Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage.
Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage,
cabbage.
Cabbage, cabbage.
Oh, cabbage cabbage cabbage
cabbage.
[knocking]
Yes?
- It's Mrs. Goldy, Miss Emmy.
Miss Emmy, Mrs. Jones from next
door
says you took a pot without
asking her.
- Oh, well, I knocked
on her door to ask her,
but she was out.
I'm having a caller.
I don't have enough pans to cook
for two.
Where is she?
- Well, she.
[knocking]
- [Mrs. Jones] Just a minute!
- I knocked on your door,
Mrs. Jones, to ask you.
I only need it for this evening.
I don't have a pan big
enough to cook for two.
- I bought a chicken, and that
pot is
the only one it'll fit in.
- Miss Emmy's got a dinner
cooking.
I'll loan you a pot.
- All right.
But don't do it again, Miss
Emmy, please, unless you ask.
- No.
[knocking]
- Who is it?
- It's Mrs. Goldy, Miss Emmy.
- Don't tell Mrs. Jones, but
I stole her two onions, too.
Now the rent, you're here for
the rent.
Now, where did I put my purse?
- Tomorrow, Miss Emmy,
the truck is coming by.
Wouldn't you like to get rid
of some of these magazines?
And the Hannukkah bushes.
- What?
- The Christmas trees.
- No.
- Miss Emmy, you've lost
your touch with reality.
- I have not.
I like seeing the years
stacked up around me this way.
That way I know there are all
these things
that have been written
about have happened,
makes them seem seem more real.
Now, where.
Been a snake, would've bit me.
- Mm-hm.
$2 too much.
You must be more careful, Miss
Emmy.
Someone some day won't
be as honest as I am.
- That's right.
- So who's coming for dinner?
- My gentleman caller.
Someone I met in the park.
Someone who looks so much
like someone I used to know.
I can't remember where.
His name is, um.
Gerald!
- "Continued on page three.
"The night watchman died
on the way to the hospital,
"and the m*rder*r made
away with over $100,000."
You know, it's funny to make the
headlines
and not even get your
picture on the front page.
What are you thinking about?
You know, you've been thinking
about something all day.
I just don't like it when
you're thinking about something,
'cause you're not paying
any attention to me.
You're planning something,
aren't you.
And why are you getting
all dressed up, anyway?
Are you going out?
Don't look like that.
You always look like that
right before you hit me.
I don't have anything
nice to wear, Gerald.
I don't even have a nice dress.
Won't you just let me
spend some of the money,
and just buy something
nice to wear, please?
- Nope.
We start spending the money,
it'll look suspicious.
The parole officer will
jump on me like a tiger.
We gotta play it cool.
I'm not intending on going back
after I got out for good
behavior.
[whistling]
- You promised me when we got
married
you'd buy me lots and lots of
nice things.
Gerald, stop that whistling!
[whistling]
Gerald, don't, don't hurt him!
You're pulling him all apart!
Gerald, stop it!
[chuckling]
We going to the movies?
Gerald, where are you going?
You told me you stole those
things for me.
Gerald, don't you lock me in
here tonight!
There's only a can of tuna fish!
♪ You are my sunshine, my only
sunshine ♪
♪ You make me happy when skies
are gray ♪
- Gerald!
Gerald!
♪ You'll never know, dear,
how much I love you ♪
♪ You make me happy when skies
are gray ♪
♪ You'll never know, dear,
how much I love you ♪
♪ Please don't take my sunshine
away ♪
♪ You are my sunshine, my only
sunshine ♪
- Right there.
I wish Mrs. Goldy kept an
elevator.
These stairs scare me.
I'm always afraid I'm
going to topple over.
I get so dizzy.
Don't look back, Gerald.
I never look back, and
I always close my eyes
when I'm going down.
[ominous music]
Come in!
Now, turn the fire on under the
stew,
turn the fire on under the stew.
Turn the fire on under the stew,
turn the fire on under the stew.
Turn the fire on under the stew.
Gerald, Gerald!
- Here I am, Miss Emmy.
- Oh dear, I thought I'd lost
you.
- Miss, I think you've left
the gas on under the stove.
- You know, I'm getting too
excited.
Now calm down, calm down,
calm down, calm down.
Ooh!
[laughing]
Oh, glasses, glasses, glasses.
Now, if I were a wine
glass, where would I be?
The hope chest.
I wondered where that carrot
went!
What was I looking for?
[whistling]
Oh, of course.
Well, here they are.
Oh, but one of them's broken.
- Oh, well, you have any
adhesive tape?
- Tape.
- Tape.
- Tape tape tape tape tape,
tape.
I'm always hiding things from
myself.
I never know where anything is.
I could have $1,000 in this
room, never even know it.
I'm not as sharp as I used to
be.
[laughing]
Here it is!
- Ah, good.
Look, that stew smells good.
I haven't had a home-cooked meal
in years.
Here, roll it out on the end.
There we are.
- Sorry.
- There we are.
- Let me have the mended one.
[whistling]
Hey, there we are.
For you.
For me.
- Thank you.
- To you.
- Oh.
[lighthearted music]
I'll have to sit down.
It makes you feel so warm.
- There we go.
- You'll have to forgive,
Gerald, a very old lady.
I've had such a busy day, I.
Besides cooking for you, I
went to two splendid funerals.
My energy isn't what it used to
be.
I'll have to close my
eyes for a few minutes.
Little cat nap.
Just close my eyes 10 minutes,
and I'll be fit as a fiddle.
Oh my goodness!
- Oh, I'm sorry, what is it?
- Oh, gracious!
- What's wrong?
- Well, the stew!
- What's wrong with it?
- Can't you smell it?
- No.
- It's burning on the bottom of
it!
- Oh, my goodness gracious!
- Well, it'll be all right.
- Hey, you know, I didn't smell
a thing.
- Well, I can't see or
hear as well as I used to,
but my nose is still A number
one.
Father used to tease me, said
he could've made a fortune
hiring me out as a bloodhound
to track down escaped convicts.
[laughing]
♪ Come with the love light
gleaming ♪
♪ In your dear eyes of blue ♪
♪ Meet me in Dreamland,
sweet dreamy Dreamland ♪
♪ There let my dreams come true
♪
[humming]
- One more for you, like this.
- What do you think you're
doing?
- I'm playing with the money.
What good does it do us if
we can't even spend it, hm?
Huh, Gerald?
What good does it do us
if we can't spend a penny?
Ow!
You almost burned my hair,
and it smells like chicken
feathers.
[laughing]
Oh, what good does this money do
us
if we can't even spend it, huh?
Huh, Gerald?
- Huh, huh, Gerald?
[laughing]
Ah, well, we'll be able
to spend it all very soon,
in a very unsuspicious way.
- When, when?
- I'm gonna put it all in
magazines.
- In what?
- Magazines.
And then it'll all be
ours, when she's dead.
[ominous music]
- Who?
Who?
[chuckling]
[suspenseful music]
We're not even on the front
page any more, Gerald.
There's just a little
teeny-weeny
mention on page seven.
Gerald?
Gerald.
Gerald.
Gerald.
Gerald.
Gerald.
- Milly, you are beginning
to get on my nerves.
- All you ever do is read.
- It is very important.
- Why?
I don't know why it's so
important.
Why, huh?
Gerald.
Gerald.
Gerald.
- Shut up and let me finish
this.
- What is it?
- Did I ever tell you about
Sunshine,
the crabapple, and the time he
bit my leg?
- Yes, you did, Aunt Emmy.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, you forgot the
meatloaf.
- Oh, oh.
[barking]
Gerald?
- Hm?
- Gerald?
- Oh, it's so good.
- No, stop it, Gerald.
- I like it.
- Put it in, help me.
- Help you?
- Yes, dear, help me put it in.
- There you are.
- My hands are wet.
- Oh, there you are.
- Oh.
- There's, uh, something I've
been meaning
to talk to you about, Aunt Emmy.
It's a tricky subject in a way.
- I wondered where that
nightgown went.
And what, Gerald?
- Uh, what?
- What you were saying.
- Oh.
Oh, well, look, dear, you, um.
You know I wouldn't hurt
your feelings for the world,
now you know that, don't you?
- You're not going away, are
you?
- No, oh, no, no.
- Don't scare me that way,
Gerald,
that's the worst thing I can
think of.
- Auntie, it's not me I'm
thinking about, it's you.
You'll be going away someday,
you know.
Perhaps sooner than we know.
- No, I never get to go
anywhere,
except to some funerals in
certain areas
I know how to get to by
streetcar.
There was a wonderful funeral
in the West End yesterday
and I couldn't go because I
didn't know how to get there.
- Oh, now that, that is exactly
what I am talking about.
The, um.
The one funeral you won't miss.
- Oh.
Well, when that time comes,
you won't need to worry
about your old auntie, she'll be
ready.
Anyway, it won't happen for a
long time.
My mother was 95, and my father
was 97,
and my grandfather was 106.
And I feel fine.
- Yes, you've told me.
- Well, now, that's all.
Let's have our coffee in the
parlor.
- All right.
- Bring the coffee, will you,
Gerald?
- Okay, coming up.
The only reason I bring this up
is because
I read this book the
other day about wills.
Have you made one?
- One what?
- A will.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I don't have anything to
will to anybody to bother.
- Oh, Aunt Emmy, that is just
not true.
You have a lot of wonderful
things.
Your Christmas trees, your
linen, your lace, your china.
Look.
You don't want Mrs. Goldy
coming in here, do you,
after you've gone, just
taking everything, do you?
- You think she would?
- Well, if there's no
will, no next of kin.
- What do you want, Gerald?
You can have anything you want.
- Oh, I didn't mean it
that way, Aunt Emmy.
- No, neither did I, but I want
you
to have whatever you want.
- You think I brought it up so
that
your favorite nephew could
inherit your fortune,
and that's just not nice, Aunt
Emmy.
- No, no, not at all.
- Yes you did.
- Don't be mad, Gerald.
I haven't any fortune.
Papa lost everything in the
crash,
and Mama's last illness ate up
the rest.
- Well.
Do you know what a recluse is?
- No.
- It's somebody very eccentric,
who stashes away millions
and millions of dollars,
all over the place.
- Oh, not me, Gerald.
I never even saw a million
dollars.
All I have is a few little
shares of Allied Gas Corporation
and some Colorado uranium.
They send me money every once in
a while.
It's what I live on, that
and my Social Security.
I'm not a recluse.
- No no no no no, Aunt Emmy.
There should be some
provision that these stocks
can go to whomever you want them
to.
- To you, Gerald.
- I don't want your stocks.
Look, dear, all I want
is some little token.
Some little memento of the happy
hours
we've spent together, that's all
I want.
- Oh!
Papa's watch.
I'll write your name on it
on the back in adhesive.
- No, dear, look, there has to
be a will.
- But I can't afford a lawyer.
- Come along, you just
come with me and sit down.
Right here.
See, I have read this
law book about wills,
and I decided that somebody
ought to
draw up a proper one for you.
- Oh, Gerald, how nice.
- Oh, that's all right.
Do you think we can round up
a couple of witnesses in the
house?
- Well, Mrs. Goldy and Mrs.
Jones.
- Oh, that's fine.
- Papa always used to manage my
affairs.
Nice to have a man around
again to advise me.
- Well, you sure need one.
I tell you, you stand to lose
everything.
Yeah.
Now, I, Emmy Wright, being of
sound mind,
give, devise, and
bequeath all my property,
whether real, personal, or
mixed,
wheresoever located, to, uh.
Tell me, what's the name of your
church?
- I go to St. Andrew's.
- St. Andrew's, that's fine.
St. Andrew's.
- Now, Gerald, that's nice.
- Now, paragraph two, there
are only two paragraphs.
Now, I'll fill in these details,
if they're okay with you.
The sole exception to the
foregoing is that I give,
devise, and bequeath, to my dear
friend,
Gerald Musgrove, the following.
The solid gold watch
which belonged to Papa.
Oh yeah, and uh. [chuckling]
All the cash moneys found within
my room.
Whatever sum that may be.
That's just in case you are a
recluse.
- Put down the stock, Gerald.
All you're going to get is the
watch.
- No no no, I don't want
your stock, Aunt Emmy.
All I want is the watch.
Look, and the money.
- There isn't any money.
- No no no, I don't want that
either.
No, not for a long, long time.
I'd much rather have my
sweet, dear little Aunt Emmy
among the living,
cooking, darning my socks.
- My mother was 97, and my
father was 95,
and my grandmother, 106.
- No, Aunt Emmy.
Your mother was 95, your father
was 97,
and your grandfather, not
mother, was 106,
and you feel just fine.
- Oh yes.
- Now, if you'll just
round up those witnesses,
our will will be valid.
- Well, I'll go get Mrs. Jones
and Mrs. Goldy right away.
- Fine.
Oh, be careful.
I don't want you falling
down those stairs.
Yet.
- What'd you say, Gerald?
- Nothing, Aunt Emmy.
[chuckling]
♪ Meet me tonight in Dreamland ♪
[chuckling]
[humming]
- The introduction of the
station break
is far too important
a task to be delegated
to one of the contestants
in the lookalike contest.
[lighthearted music]
- All the umbrellas just made
the funeral
seem more funeral, Gerald.
Oh, I just love funerals,
particularly in the rain.
- My, but that is a saucy hat.
- You do like deviled
eggs, don't you, Gerald?
- [Gerald] Yes, Aunt Emmy.
- Mrs. Goldy and Mrs.
Jones have been ribbing me
since I made out a will, Gerald.
Mrs. Jones says I'm on a high
horse,
anybody as poor as a
churchmouse making out a will.
Gerald?
- Yes, Aunt Emmy?
- Oh dear, I just wanted to
make sure I hadn't lost you.
I wanted to be sure I hadn't
made you, uh.
Picnics aren't picnics
without deviled eggs.
And ants, oh dear, I just
love those little things
with their little legs
coming, carrying things away.
Do you think we will, Gerald?
- What?
- Get some real ants in the
country today.
- For you, Aunt Emmy, anything.
You about ready?
- Goodness, I haven't
been in the country since,
oh, goodness gracious,
I can't remember when.
Why, I'd even forgotten there
was one.
There.
- Ready?
- Yes.
Well, yes.
Yes!
Actually, I've been ready since
seven o'clock this morning.
I was so excited, I couldn't
sleep.
- You know, what you need
is some sleeping pills.
I can get you some.
- No, I enjoy the excitement.
I'll cat nap or two in the
country.
- All right, let's go.
- All right, now, you take the
hamper,
and I'll take the umbrella,
and then I'll lock up.
And Gerald, you know, I went
to the most wonderful funeral
yesterday in the rain.
There were all these people in
black
looking like blackbirds
carrying umbrellas.
Here, you, you lock up, I'll
take the bag.
- Okay.
- Oh, oh dear.
[ominous music]
- What's wrong?
- I made the mistake of looking
down.
- Don't move, I'll be right
there.
- I'm dizzy.
I'll be all right, it'll pass.
I forgot the salt.
Oh dear!
Gerald, Gerald, he slipped on
the stairs!
Oh, Gerald, oh, Gerald!
- What's happened?
- Gerald, oh, Gerald?
You all right?
Oh, Gerald, Gerald, are you all
right?
- I broke every bone in my body.
- Oh, don't say that, oh.
- Oh, no no no, I'm all right.
- Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, thank goodness you're young.
I fall like that would've
k*lled someone like me.
- Gerald fall down go boom!
[groaning]
- That's enough!
- No, there's a little
teeny place right down here.
- Ow, stop it!
Why don't you poison her?
- No, stupid, that's traceable.
Somebody has to buy it.
- Then why don't you just sh**t
her?
- Wonderful, that is just
wonderful.
- You want me to be serious?
- Well, there's $100,000 in her
room.
- How old is she?
- 75.
- Oh.
- No, it has to appear old age.
Old man time has finally
caught up with her.
Finally caught up with her.
- Well, it sounds simple.
[sensual music]
- You.
Get dressed.
I think it's time you
finally met our Aunt Emmy.
♪ I'm in love with you ♪
♪ Let me hear you whisper ♪
♪ That you love me too ♪
[knocking]
♪ Keep that love ♪
Gerald?
- It's me.
Aunt Emmy, this is my cousin
Mildred.
She's heard me raving about you
so much
she wanted to meet you.
I hope you don't mind.
- Hello, Aunt Emmy.
- I'm not your aunt.
- Well, you're not my
aunt either, you know.
- But I've known you longer,
Gerald.
- Aren't you going to invite us
in?
- Oh, yes.
- The old thing's jealous.
- Sh.
- What?
- I brought you these
tulips tonight, Aunt Emmy,
and another bottle of this.
- Thank you, Gerald, you're
always so good to me.
- Where is it?
- In the magazines.
- Aren't your tulips pretty,
Aunt Emmy?
- I only have a tiny chicken,
Gerald, not enough for three.
- Oh, well, you see,
Milly eats like a bird,
so you don't have to worry.
- Only one potato to mash,
and only two of those glasses.
- Hm, I'll drink out of a coffee
cup.
Aunt Emmy, you mustn't be mad
at me, now, for bringing her.
She's a very lonely girl, she
has no friends, no family.
I've been telling you
how sweet and charming
and wonderful you are.
And what fun.
- And I'm not at all
disappointed.
You're everything he said, and
more.
- Well, if you want to know
the truth, I'm jealous.
- You're jealous?
Of my cousin?
- Your cousin?
- I told you.
- Oh dear, oh, well, in that
case,
you can have the glass,
and I'll drink out of the coffee
cup.
[lighthearted music]
- Aunt Emmy.
- Hm?
- Aunt Emmy, you better wake up
if you want to go for your walk.
- How long have I been asleep?
- About 10 minutes.
- Oh.
What walk?
- Remember, you said you
wanted to go for a walk
on the street and do some window
shopping?
- Oh yes.
Well, that would be nice.
I ought to come over here
some day and browse again.
[siren blaring]
Oh, oh dear, oh, I just hate
those sirens.
Oh, and I've forgotten my
earmuffs.
- Why, look, Aunt Emmy.
You see, I remembered
to bring them for you.
- Oh, Gerald, what would I do
without you?
Oh dear, just too many people.
Too many people everywhere.
There's so many everywhere.
Oh, oh look, Gerald!
Here birdie, birdie birdie
birdie birdie!
Here birdie, birdie birdie
birdie birdie!
Here birdie!
Birdie birdie birdie!
Why, they're stuffed.
I thought they were real.
Gerald, Gerald?
- Here we are, Aunt Emmy!
- Gerald, wait!
Wait, Gerald, wait for me!
Wait, Gerald, wait, wait!
[horn honking]
[screaming]
- Aunt Emmy!
[ominous music]
Is she dead?
- No, heartbeat's a bit fast,
but normal.
I think that her leg is broken.
- Oh, poor Aunt Emmy.
- Oh dear.
Gerald.
- I'm here, I'm here, dear,
right here.
- Oh, oh goodness!
- No, no, Aunt Emmy, you're
just going to go to sleep.
That's right, come on.
- Oh, Gerald, Gerald, don't
leave me!
- Oh, I won't, now, I promise
you.
Here.
[dishes clanging]
- Here you are.
- You put your carrots in too
early.
Potatoes too, they're
all cooked up too much.
Oh dear, this is awful, I can't
eat that.
- Milly's not the cook you are,
Aunt Emmy.
- She's no cook at all.
There's more to cooking than
putting things in a pot.
This is poison.
- Give it to me.
- Just bring me some
cottage cheese on a plate.
Gerald.
Gerald, Gerald.
Gerald.
Gerald.
Gerald.
I don't like your cousin at all.
She's first not a nice girl,
and third, she doesn't
know how to do anything.
Did you see how she peeled my
potatoes?
The peelings were half an inch
thick.
That's wasteful, she wastes too
much.
- Here's your pill, Aunt Emmy.
- I'm not her aunt.
- Here, Aunt Emmy, take your
pill.
That's a good girl.
There we are.
- She doesn't like me either.
That's one vibration I've
always been able to feel,
the vibration of not being
liked.
- Oh, no, now, Aunt Emmy.
She just adores you.
That's just nonsense, come on
now.
Oh, look at Aunt Emmy.
Going to sleep.
Copping out on me.
- I've been feeling awfully
drowsy lately, Gerald.
Not up to snuff.
- She's still mad about your
cousin Milly.
- Oh, Milly, you've just
simply got to be nicer to her.
- To that old prune?
- Sh!
Yeah, to that old prune.
Now, come on, we better fix the
stove.
It may be the last chance we
get.
- Gimme the screwdriver.
- Yeah.
[metal creaking]
Sh.
- Why not turn it up all the
way and get it over with today?
- No, no, no.
[gas hissing]
We have to condition
her A number one nose,
she'd smell that in a second.
We have to do it little by
little
so it seems very, very natural.
That's too much, give it to me.
- I can do it.
- Give it to me!
[clanging]
That's fine, it's just fine.
Come on.
Sh!
- Don't light that!
[suspenseful music]
- One thing I cannot stand is
waste.
I haven't liked her since the
minute
she set her feet in this door.
You should see the way she peels
potatoes.
She's been at it several
days, wasting my gas,
trying to run up my bill.
Tell Mrs. Goldy I hope she's
satisfied
about the magazines.
- Yes, ma'am.
- As if my bill wasn't high
enough already
with all the cooking
I've been doing for them.
Gerald tried to stop her.
Flagrant waste is a terrible
sin.
I'm a stockholder in Allied Gas,
and I don't approve of
wasting our commodity.
And the worst of it is,
it's making me sick.
- Do you have a phone around
here?
- There's one in the hall.
Is it fixed now, so I
can fix dinner tonight?
I've got a nice roast.
- It's fixed.
[suspenseful music]
Operator?
Get me the police, please.
[knocking]
- Who is it?
- It's us.
- Come in.
- Is this the girl?
- Yes, that's the one, turning
on the gas.
I'm sorry, Gerald, I told
you she didn't like me.
Why didn't you stop her, Gerald?
Gassing an old woman.
That's what the gas
man said she was doing.
- Aunt Emmy, I just don't know
what you're talking about.
- It wasn't my idea, it was
Gerald's idea!
- Why don't you shut up?
- I don't believe that, that's
not true.
- Oh no, then who had you
make out a will, Aunt Emmy?
- I thought I told you to shut
up!
- Hold it.
I think we'd better go down to
the station
and have a little talk.
- The, the, the, the magazines,
where,
where are the magazines?
- [Emmy] Why?
- Where are the magazines?
- The collector came and took
them away.
- Where?
What collector, where?
- Don't, don't yell, Gerald,
don't!
- [Gerald] Where?
- Mrs. Goldy said that
they were dust catchers
and that I was losing
my touch with reality,
gathering old magazines
and Christmas trees,
so when the collector came
today,
I told him, "Take them away."
- Where?
- No, Gerald, please, please
don't yell.
[laughing]
- Shut up!
- All right, let's go.
- It's not Gerald's fault, it's
all hers.
Oh Gerald, Gerald, don't be mad
with me!
I'll cut you out of my will.
- Drop dead.
- Poor Miss Emmy.
[clicking tongue]
- One.
[sniffling]
Two, 2,000.
Three, 3,000.
Four, 4,000.
I must remember to defrost.
Five, 5,000.
Six, 6,000.
- Now you see how the
term cold cash originated.
Unfortunately for our intrepid
heroine,
she was arrested the next day at
a bank,
where she attempted to
deposit her frozen assets.
Miss Emmy now resides in a
prison for senior citizens,
where she is on the mahjong
team.
As for the Alfred Hitchcock
lookalike contest,
all of your votes are in, and
the results are surprising,
but we shall abide by them
nevertheless.
Here, then, is the winner
who will close my part of the
program.
- And so until next week,
goodnight.
["Funeral March of a
Marionette"]
[dramatic music]
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