["Alfred Hitchcock" theme music]
- Good evening.
Welcome scholars to
this evening's lecture.
Because of the population
expl*si*n,
and the need for more and more
institutions of higher learning,
universities seem to be
springing up overnight.
Since everyone prefers to go
to old established institutions,
we have developed such
products as fast growing ivy.
We can also, in a matter of
months,
provide a campus with
picked up at very reasonable
prices
from colleges that are sick of
them.
Aging the faculty has not
yet presented any problems.
In creating a new university,
we first of all begin by
granting
several thousand honorary
degrees,
a process which we call instant
alumni.
For those of you who long
for days of beer and ivy,
we have just the story.
It is about two young men, Doc
and Skip,
and of a not so practical joke.
The school bell will
ring in just one minute.
When it does, remember, it tolls
for thee.
[suspenseful music]
[bell tolls]
- You'll be able to purchase
this kit
from either Mr. Carroll or Mr.
Pitts
in the supply room
immediately following
this discussion period.
Check each kit carefully.
Among other things, you
should find two eye droppers,
two forceps, scissors, and two
probes.
We'll begin our first
dissection probably on Monday.
By then, you'll be thoroughly
acquainted
with the position of the
organs in the abdominal cavity,
and we'll have finished our
chapters
on the heart and thorax.
Okay?
All right, Mr. Carroll you
can bring the cadaver in now.
Oh Mr. Pitts, where's Mr.
Carroll?
- He's unpacking a dissecting
kit
in the supply room, professor.
- Oh, now let's see.
We have 16 students in the
class.
We'll divide you into pairs,
and assign a cadaver to each
pair,
which you will be responsible
for.
Now this morning I wanna demon--
[woman screams]
[class murmuring]
- Dissecting kits, anyone?
[class chattering]
- That's not funny!
Class is dismissed.
Mr. Carroll, will you and
Mr. Pitts remain here please?
- Professor?
It wasn't my idea.
I begged him not to.
- All right, Mr. Pitts, you're
excused.
I know whose idea it was.
Mr. Carroll.
- Yes sir.
- What do you wanna be when you
grow up?
- A doctor, sir.
- A doctor.
- Yes sir.
- We're both aware of your
scholastic record, aren't we?
- Yes sir.
- Well, brilliance Mr. Carroll,
without discipline, is like
a vaccine without a syringe.
It's useless.
- Yes sir.
- I won't tolerate this
sort of behavior again.
Have these papers graded by
first period in the morning.
- Yes sir.
[crickets chirping]
[clock ticking]
- [Skip] Woman in the
hall, woman in the hall!
- Skip's drunk again.
He's gonna throw Barbara in the
shower.
- [Skip] Woman in the hall!
- Put me down!
- No no, no no.
- Oh put me down!
- No, no!
- Doc, Doc, Doc help me, help
me!
- Hey he's not playing.
- Please you're hurting me!
[Barbara shrieking]
No, no, no, no!
Skip, let me go!
- Skip!
Let her go, leave her alone!
Now why would you wanna do...
- Come on, Skip.
Skip, come on, you're gonna k*ll
him!
- Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, get up, come on Doc.
Pick him up, come on, come on.
- Come on!
Come on, I'll take ya all on,
come on!
[alarm buzzing]
Hey, turn it off!
And pull the shades down.
- Anything else, your highness?
How about a new head?
- What are you doin' up so
early?
- Penance.
I couldn't work all night,
thanks to you.
I've gotta grade all these
papers by first period.
- Untie me.
- Pardon me?
- Untie me!
- What do ya say, hm?
- Please.
- That's better.
- Ow.
- Take it easy!
[Skip groans]
- Feels like somebody's inside
my head
with a pair of cleats,
kicking field goals.
- I'm running out of patience,
and just about out of vitamins.
You don't look too good this
morning.
- Hey.
- Yeah?
- I didn't k*ll anybody, did I?
- If you didn't, it's not your
fault.
Boy, you sure try hard enough.
Don't you remember?
- No.
The last thing I remember is...
- Well don't strain yourself,
you'll break something.
- I was in a tavern on the
highway.
And Barbara was with me.
- And you were trying to
break the record set in 1949
by one Hector Fletcher who drank
- Oh yeah, how'd I do this time?
- Somewhere in the 30s.
- And then I remember I carved,
I carved a heart, and I love
Barbara on the table there.
- Ah, the only place to carve a
heart.
- And the bartender told
me that if I didn't quit
cutting up the furniture,
I'd have to leave.
I'm blank, that's it.
- That's all you remember?
- Yeah.
- You don't remember getting
tied down?
- No.
- Boy, it's pretty convenient,
roomie, what you don't remember.
You don't remember--
- I don't wanna hear anymore.
- [Doc] You don't, huh?
- No.
- Well you're gonna hear a
lot more come two o'clock.
- Yeah, yeah, what happens at
two o'clock?
- You have a meeting with
our illustrious dean.
The floor monitor reported
your little activities last
night.
- Ay yay yay yay yay.
- Yay yay yay is right.
Oh.
And here is the official
summons,
commonly called the black spot.
Oh, and Barbara told me to tell
you,
as they carried her out of
here screaming last night,
that you could find somebody
else
to take to the Halloween
carnival.
You remember that?
- No.
- And that she never wanted
to talk to you again.
- I bet.
- This is what, the
third time you've been up
before the dean since school
started?
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- That's pretty serioso, roomie.
I gotta get to class.
This morning, we discuss the
human heart.
Well, bye Gulliver, old buddy.
Lots of luck come two o'clock.
- Hey, don't slam the
door on your way out, huh?
[door slams]
[people chattering]
[upbeat music]
[people laughing]
Hey roomie!
Come on, roomie.
- Hey what did the dean have to
say?
- He said that I'm too valuable
to lose.
Indispensable.
Yeah, oh.
[Skip laughs]
Woo!
[upbeat music]
[cans clatter]
How many is that?
- 31.
- Hey bring me another beer!
[upbeat music]
[Ruby squeals]
- Coach told me after workout
today
that Skip almost got kicked
out of school this afternoon.
[upbeat music]
[cans clatter]
[Skip groaning]
- I don't feel too good.
[man clapping]
- How about that, 42!
- Listen, I'll drive his
car back to the dorm.
Good thing he passed out in here
instead of behind the wheel,
he could've k*lled someone.
- [Ruby] He could just have
k*lled me.
- Here you go, Ruby.
- Could've dropped me or
something.
Give me my shoe.
- Boy that would sober
him up, wouldn't it?
- What?
- If he k*lled somebody.
- Take something like that
to bring him to his senses.
Good scare has been known
to cure a lot of things.
- You know when I was a
kid and I had the hiccups,
my old man used to hide
behind the closet door.
Then I'd open it up, and he'd
fall out like he was dead.
[all laughing]
Oh man, I don't know how
they wear this stuff.
[people chattering]
- Wonder what would happen?
- [Man] What?
- I just had a funny thought.
- [Ruby] Sam says that you
better get him out of here.
- We're moving.
- Oh, and another thing, would
you please tell him for me
when he wakes up that I
don't like being stood up.
He was supposed to take me
out for coffee after work.
[men laughing]
- Listen, get him back to
his room and put him to bed.
I'll meet you in the parking
lot.
- Okay.
- Let's go Skip.
- Come on, Skip.
Party's over, boy.
- [Man] Hey Skipper reporting
to.
[people chattering]
[ominous music]
[keys jingle]
- Doc?
- [Doc] I'm here, Skip.
[ominous music]
She's dead.
[intense music]
- What?
- You don't remember?
- [Skip] Who is it?
- It's Ruby, the new
waitress at the tavern.
Don't you remember, Skip?
- I was,
I was drunk.
- I knew something like
this was gonna happen.
- What do you mean?
- You said you had a date with
her.
When I came in this
morning to get my books,
she was just lying there like
that.
I shook her, I said get up, get
out.
But she's not gettin' anywhere.
She's dead.
She's been strangled.
Now try to remember, Skip.
- I k*lled her.
- Look, I gotta get to the lab
and open up for first period.
I'll be back in half an hour.
At 8:30 I'll cut the lecture.
Now you stay here, and
don't let anyone in,
and don't talk to anybody,
don't tell anybody,
and don't look at her.
Just stay right here
'til I get back, okay?
Skip, lock the door behind me.
- Skipper, we're late for class.
Skip?
Hey Skip!
Okay, it's your funeral.
[ominous music]
- [Professor] Morning, Mr.
Carroll.
- [Doc] Good morning, sir.
- You have a nice Halloween?
- Yes sir.
You're here very early this
morning, sir.
- Mhmm, I've rearranged part
of our program for the week,
combined two lectures.
Plan to finish with
the heart this morning,
just have to explain the
functions of the pulmonary vein
and then we can move right on.
Get the full anatomy
charts from the supply room
and set 'em up for me, okay?
- [Doc] Yes sir.
- Oh and Mr. Pitts phoned
me this morning, woke me up.
He's not feeling well, so
you'll have to stay here
on the podium during the
lecture and point for me.
Something wrong, Mr. Carroll?
- No sir.
[suspenseful music]
- [Man] Skip Baxter!
Phone call for Skip Baxter!
Skip Baxter?
- This is Baxter.
- Skip?
- Barbara?
- [Barbara] Are you all right?
- What do you mean?
- Well, you didn't go to class
today.
- I have a terrible hangover.
You still there?
- Yeah.
- [Skip] So?
- Well, I called to tell you
that I'm sorry about last night.
I acted like a baby.
I didn't mean it when I
said you were obnoxious.
Listen, Skip.
Meet me at the chow hall, and we
can--
- I have to go now, Barbara.
- Well, I hope your room is
cleaner than last week, Baxter.
- Hey, give me a break, huh Tom?
Hey listen, I just woke up.
I had a bad night last night.
I haven't even had time to make
the beds!
- A big mess in there?
- Oh yeah, yeah it's a big mess.
I have eight floor checks
against me.
Now, I'll clean it up right now.
- Okay, come on let's go.
We'll come back later on.
You look like you had a bad
night, too.
- Now once again, let's
follow the flow of the blood.
Coming from the extremities,
entering from the superior vena
cava
and the inferior vena cava,
into the right auricle
to the right ventricle.
Mr. Carroll, the right
ventricle.
- Excuse me, sir.
[upbeat music]
[person knocking]
- Doc?
- Ed Blair here Skip, let me in.
Come on Skip, I gotta talk to
ya.
- Just a minute.
- Hi Ed.
- Hi Jim, how's your charley
horse?
Coach is worried about it.
- It gave me a bad time last
night.
- Well go put some heat on it.
- Hi, Ed.
What's up?
- Coach sent me over to talk to
ya, Skip.
- Oh.
- You cut your first period
class this morning, why?
- I didn't feel like going
out and jumping around.
- We just got a call
from the dean's office.
Coach is hopping mad.
He come up on the carpet about
it.
Team manager now turned truant
officer.
You know how many times you've
attended
that particular class
since school started?
- No.
- Not how many times you've cut,
but how many times you've been
there?
- No.
- Out of a possible 14 hours
of class, you've attended five.
That means you have nine cuts
already,
and we've only been going
to class seven weeks.
You know how many cuts
you're allowed in a class
in one whole semester?
- No.
- Eight.
Coach has arranged you're gonna
have to make up those cuts
and go to fourth period
phys ed starting Monday.
If you have any questions,
he said come talk to him.
- All right.
- [Ed] Have they checked
this room yet this morning?
- [Skip] Yeah, they're coming
back.
- [Ed] You think they'd die
of shock if they came in
and found the beds made up?
- Probably.
- Get over there.
I'll show you how you do it in
the army.
Where are the clean sheets?
Closet?
- Oh no, no.
They're over here in a drawer.
- Since we've been moving
along so well in this class,
I've decided that tomorrow
afternoon during lab period
you'll have your first
session with the cadavers.
Is there anybody in the class
that hasn't bought the
dissecting kit?
Good, bring your kits with you
to lab tomorrow, class
dismissed.
Come along, Mr. Carroll.
We'll assign the cadavers
to tomorrow's lab,
then you can go.
- Passed inspection.
SU is about as rough a team as
we'll face all season, Skip.
You have to shape up.
Coach wants me to keep an eye on
you.
I have enough trouble managing
the team without having to,
what's the matter, Skip?
You look sick.
- I don't feel too good.
- You better have a rest
then, before tonight.
Coach is planning a heavy
scrimmage.
Here, take a look at these
plays.
The second team will be
running the same formation
that they'll be using against
us Saturday evening, okay?
- Okay.
- No more cuts, huh?
Don't have Coach send me down
here again.
Room looks pretty good.
I'd get that rug cleaned
before next room check.
See you tonight, tiger.
- Number five for Reilly and
Harrison.
- Five, Reilly, Harrison.
- Number three for
Schwartz and Grovenfeld.
- Three, Schwartz, Grovenfeld.
- Number eight for...
Mr. Carroll.
- Yes sir.
- Mr. Carroll, it seems we're
missing one of our people.
- Yes sir, I know sir.
- Would you care to
explain why we're missing
one of our people, Mr. Carroll?
I know I didn't remove number
eight.
And since you are the only other
person
who has a key to this room,
I assume you did.
- Yes sir, I did.
- Last night was Halloween, and?
- Well, it wasn't quite that,
sir.
It did have something to do with
it.
You see, I have this roommate
who's our star halfback.
- I know.
- Well he drinks a little bit,
and last night he got very
drunk.
So I thought that to sober him
up,
to shock him, to make him stop
drinking,
to bring him around to his
senses, I...
It sounds kind of silly, doesn't
it?
- To sober him up, you
put a cadaver in his bed.
- Yes sir, something like that,
sir.
- I'm surprised you haven't
done something like this before.
I've even been expecting it.
You're the type of student who's
notorious
for this sort of prank.
However, I had expected
something
a little more original from you.
- Well it wasn't actually a
prank, sir.
I was, I was very serious about
it, kinda.
- And where is number eight
at this moment, Mr. Carroll?
- In my bed in Roberts Hall,
sir.
[dramatic music]
- Hi.
Hey, what did Ed have to say to
you?
- I'm just taking it
out to get it cleaned.
- That cadaver better
be back in her drawer
by the time I get back
here for lab tomorrow.
- I'll go bring it back right
now.
- Or I'll report this
whole matter to the dean,
who will in turn report it to
your father.
I should report it anyway.
If anything happened to that
cadaver,
it's impossible to replace!
- Well nothing's gonna happen to
it.
I'll go bring it back!
[somber music]
Skip?
[ominous music]
- I can't say when we
shall break this case,
but we will break our stations
now.
Following this, we
should continue our play.
[ominous music]
- Where's Skip?
- I was hoping he was here.
- He didn't show up.
Coach Crow is furious.
- Well he wasn't in the room
when I came in from class.
- Thompson saw him around noon,
said he was taking his
rug out to get it cleaned.
If you see him, you tell
him to get over here.
Coach is threatening to
kick him off the team.
[ominous music]
[can clanks]
[woman screams]
- Oh my, oh my, oh my!
- Did I hit you?
- Oh no!
Oh my, no young man.
No, I was just coming down, I
got going.
I was rolling just a little bit
too fast.
It's happened before, three
nights ago.
- Let me help you.
- Oh!
I told my husband, Mr.
Fister before he died,
he ought to buy me a garbage
disposal,
but the dog was alive then,
and he'd eat anything.
Then the dog died.
I can't get out of the habit
of cooking for the three of us.
Nothing that you cook for just
one person
tastes nearly so good.
I don't know why that is,
so I have more garbage
than anyone on the block.
I throw out enough stuff to feed
an army.
Then I read all this stuff
about people starving,
and it depresses me.
The whole system about
how they collect things
nowadays is so confusing.
I never can remember if it's
can night, or just paper night.
And there's a law now, you know,
that all garbage has to be
wrapped.
Oh thank you, young man.
Oh that's Mrs. Peterson.
She forgot to wrap her garbage
last week,
and they left it for the whole
week.
She almost cried, she was so
ashamed.
Thank you, young man.
Are you all right?
Good evening, Mrs. Peterson!
Her husband works for a movie
studio.
He says he knows all the stars,
but I've never seen any
of them come to visit.
Are you all right?
- Yes, I...
- Would you like a drink?
- A drink?
- Yes, you're so very,
you're so terribly pale.
Mr. Fister used to get that look
whenever he worked too hard in
the yard.
We always found that a little
snort
always made him feel just so
much better.
Would you like to come into
my house and have a drink?
I'm 67 years old.
My intentions are honorable.
- Could I park my car in your
driveway?
It, I have a rug in the back,
and I'd feel much safer
with it off the street.
- Well yes, of course!
You can put it right in the
garage!
I don't keep a car there
anymore.
I told Mr. Fister before he
died,
he ought to teach me how to
drive,
but then they came and
repossessed it,
or whatever it is they do when
they come and drive it away.
I wouldn't make payments on
anything
I didn't know how to use.
I'll open the door for you.
[ominous music]
Oh my, I'd forgotten how the
garage looked with a car in it.
Looks just like a cage
with a bird in it again.
Ah it's all so much happier now.
Oh, what a pretty rug!
Looks like it might be, is it
Oriental?
- No, it's plain gray.
- Oh I'm sorry, I just love
Oriental rugs.
Come and see.
Oh, this used to be my husband's
workshop.
Hobby shop, actually.
He was retired.
He used to spend all his time
out here
cutting, and hammering, and
sawing.
Sawing all night long.
[saw buzzes]
It's all electrical, you know.
Sawing quietly never disturbed
anyone.
Well, come along young man.
Your rug will be all right
there.
You like your gin neat?
- Anyway.
- Oh good!
I just defrosted the
refrigerator,
so there's not any ice.
I always defrost on garbage
nights.
But I prefer my gin neat,
even when there's ice, there.
Ah, you feel better already, I
can tell.
Color is coming back into
your face, I can see it.
That's nice.
It's such a nice face.
[can clatters]
Well, there's Mr.
Johnson with his garbage.
He lives over there with 30
cats.
I never counted them,
but they sound more like 3,000
some nights
when you're trying to get to
sleep.
Mrs. Peterson poisoned six of
them.
Made Mr. Johnson so mad
he had the police on her.
I kept out of it.
I went to their funeral, though.
He buried them in the backyard
under the old incinerator.
Remember how we used to
be able to burn things?
Leaves, in the fall of the year.
That wonderful smell.
Well, I guess everybody's
got their garbage out now,
except that young married
couple up at the end
that just moved in last week.
Maybe they don't know tonight's
the night.
She's gonna have a baby.
I think they're students
at the university.
You don't know them, do you?
Mr. and Mrs. Allen, Arthur
Allen?
They don't talk much,
aren't very friendly.
She didn't even want to give me
her telephone number at first.
Oh, that rug was actually made
in Persia.
I can just close my eyes,
and have all sorts of fantasies
about it,
like it was the magic carpet.
I just love magical carpets
filled with mystery.
Oh, hello?
Mrs. Allen?
Mrs. Allen, this is Mrs.
Fister across the street.
Remember, we met Friday
when I was mowing the lawn?
Yes.
Well, Mrs. Allen, I wondered if
you knew
that tonight is garbage night.
Cans and papers, too.
Yes.
Well now remember to wrap
it all very carefully,
because if you don't they'll
just leave it sitting in there
and it's a full week
before they come back.
Yes?
Yes, wrap it.
Oh, with newspapers or sacks or
anything.
I just use the bags I
bring from the store.
Then they throw it into that big
machine,
before we even get up in the
morning,
and it's all ground to a pulp
before the truck's
halfway down the street.
Yes!
Yes.
That's right.
[upbeat music]
- There ya are, baby.
- Hey Ruby?
- Yeah?
- Have you seen Skip Baxter?
- Skip Baxter?
- Yeah, you remember,
the one that passed out here
last night?
- Oh yeah.
Loud and rowdy, he's cute.
No, I haven't seen him.
He stood me up.
- Look, if he should come
in would you give me a call?
My name is Doc Carroll.
Look, I'll write it down.
If he should come in,
the minute you see him,
just give me a call.
- Oh.
I know this number.
Anything wrong?
- No, just call me okay, if you
see him?
- Okay.
- He used to kick the dog
when he begged for food.
I had to feed him when my
husband wasn't looking.
He called it economy, but it was
stingy.
All he ever did was to get
out there in that garage
and cut and saw things up.
He wouldn't teach me to drive,
wouldn't buy me a garbage
disposal,
so now every Tuesday night
I have to put on my shoes
and a dress, and fix my hair,
and put on a little lipstick
just to take the garbage out to
the curb.
Has to be wrapped just
so-so now, you know?
I forgot to wrap mine last week,
and they left it sitting
out there for a whole week.
[ominous music]
[woman snoring]
[saw buzzing]
- [Worker] Okay, let her go!
[dramatic music]
- It's chicken liver
omelet, specialty of mine.
I originated the recipe myself.
The rose I grew in my
garden, I just cut it.
It might bud before your eyes.
- What time is it?
- I think it's about nine
o'clock.
I have a coffee mill.
I grind my own beans.
- No.
- Would you like a drink?
- No, I have a class, I have to
go.
- Oh no, poo, no.
I spent almost an hour
fixing that breakfast.
Drink your orange juice, eat
your omelet!
- No thank you, I have
to go, I have a class.
- Oh poo, no!
Well I'm not gonna open
the garage doors for you.
You'll have to do it yourself.
You men are all alike,
inconsiderate, vicious, cutting.
Just trample on other people's
feelings,
crush the beautiful,
three oranges wasted.
Two slices of bread, six
livers, and three eggs.
What am I gonna do with it?
It'll all have to go into the
garbage.
[car engine roars]
[somber music]
- Hello, Baxter.
One pair of shoes.
Three pair of game socks.
- That's my equipment.
- It was your equipment, Skip.
Coach said if you showed up
and wanted to talk about it,
he'd be in his office.
Shoulder pads.
Hip pads.
Thigh pads.
Knee pads.
And one helmet.
[ominous music]
Toss him the helmet, Skip.
It won't bite.
And one helmet, that's it.
- You're in early.
Hope to break the record?
- Yeah.
- I'll keep a tab.
- Oowhee!
Feels like it's turning cold,
Sam.
I put a couple of blankets
back on my bed last night.
Who's that in so early?
- Wild and rowdy.
- Huh?
Hi there, loud and rowdy.
[ominous music]
You all right?
- No.
- Why not?
Well.
You wanna tell Ruby about it,
huh?
- [Sam] Hey Ruby, watch the
front huh?
I'm going to hard boil the eggs,
okay?
- Okay, Sam.
Oh hey, make me a four
minute one, would ya?
I haven't had any breakfast yet.
- Ruby.
- Yeah?
- Ruby?
Ruby?
- What's the matter with you?
- [Skip] Ruby?
- There were a couple of fellas
in here last night lookin' for
ya.
Well I'd better go call your
buddy.
Oh hey, listen,
I was just gonna call you.
- Hey Skip.
- Hey, hey Doc.
That's Ruby.
- He's just been repeatin' my
name
over and over again like
it was a broken record.
- Leave us alone, will ya?
- Why not?
- Hey Doc?
You said I k*lled Ruby, didn't
you Doc?
- Skip, it wasn't in the rug in
your car.
Now where is it?
- If it wasn't Ruby, who was it?
- It wasn't anyone, now where is
it?
- How could it not be anyone?
- Skip, it was a cadaver
from the medical department.
It was just a joke to sober you
up.
Now you knew it was a
cadaver, now don't kid me.
You knew it wasn't Ruby.
- No.
I never looked at her face.
Not even in the garage, I
didn't.
I couldn't look at her face.
A cadaver.
- Skip, where is it?
Where is it?
Where is it?
- Come on.
I'll show you.
[somber music]
- Bye-bye, babies.
- [Professor] If there
are no further questions,
then move right along.
- Very funny, Mr. Carroll.
Very funny.
Professor Dawson?
- Carroll?
This has gone far enough.
Get up.
Get out!
I'm gonna report you to the
dean and have you expelled.
Come on, get up!
[intense music]
[woman screams]
Doc?
Doc!
[Skip laughing maniacally]
[ominous music]
- Brother Alfred seems
to have disappeared.
We have a great deal of
difficulty
with our faculty that way.
As for Skip Baxter, the
authorities
took a dim view of his prankish
nature,
and he is in another institution
now,
and I don't mean the state
university.
One week from tonight, we
shall present another play,
scenes of which will be on
display in a few moments.
First, however, here is
our companion feature.
[plucky music]
[dramatic music]
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