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01x16 - Heathcliff Gets Canned/Whackoed Out

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats". Aired: September 3, 1984 – September 30, 1985.*
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Each episode featured two segments, one being about Heathcliff and his friends, while the other featured The Catillac Cats.

01x16 - Heathcliff Gets Canned/Whackoed Out

Post by bunniefuu »

- ♪ Heathcliff, heathcliff,
no one should ♪

♪ Terrify their
neighborhood ♪

♪ But heathcliff
just won't be undone ♪

♪ Playing pranks
on everyone ♪

♪ There's a race
to be on top ♪

♪ The competition
doesn't stop ♪

♪ He's mixing
with the ladies fair ♪

♪ Being charming,
debonair ♪

♪ The game
will reign supreme ♪

♪ And no one
can deny-y-y-y ♪

♪ Delay the mystery

♪ Can always have
an alibi-i-i ♪

♪ So join in the jubilee

♪ The cats are great
they'll all agree ♪

♪ Finally meets calamity

♪ The cat's superiority

♪ Oh o-oh o-o-oh o-oh

♪ O-o-oh oh
oh-oh o-o-oh o-oh ♪

♪ Heathcliff, heathcliff,
no one should ♪

♪ Terrify their
neighborhood ♪

♪ But heathcliff
just won't be undone ♪

♪ You should realize

♪ He can win it with you

- [Snoring]

Ahh!

Boy, that felt good.

Uh...let's see now.

First, the morning paper.

Then, I think, a nice,
chilled bottle of milk
before breakfast.

- Shh!

- Right about now!

- Whoa!

- Ah!

Isn't life wonderful?

- Life stinks!

- A good day always begins
with a good breakfast,

Purr-fect treat.

The purr-fect way
to start the purr-fect day.

[Slurp]

Huh?

It's empty.

Empty.

Empty!

Empty!

Hey, what's goin' on?

They're all empty.

No one does this to heathcliff.

I'll teach that perfect
treat cat food cannery
to mess with me.

- Hey, wordsworth,
it's...

- Duh...heathcliff.

- [Grumbling]

- Hey, heathcliff,
what you doin',
slummin' it?

- Well, if it isn't
hector, wordsworth,

And mungo,
the wonder nerds.

- That's no way to talk
to your best friends.

- Get lost, loser.
I got a beef.

I got a beef
with a cat food cannery.

- They just got a big,
mean hog of a dog.

- Wordsworth, I'm sure
heathcliff's not afraid
of some little watchdog.

- But, hector, that
ain't no little watchdog.

That's a great, big--

Mmmph!

[Muffled]
guard dog.

- Unless, of course,
heathcliff's chicken.

- Exactly what
do you have in mind?

And, in your case,
I chuckle when I use
the word "mind."

- Where the cat food
is canned,

Felines are banned.

A bet we can win,
is you can't get in.

- Yeah. If you win,
we'll be your servants
for a month.

- Uh, yeah.

And if you loses,
we'll be your servants.

Ooh!

- No, einstein.
If heathcliff loses,

He serves us breakfast
in bed for a month.

Deal?

- I don't know what I'll do
with 3 incompetent servants,

But you suckers got a deal.

- But, boss, you forgot
to tell him about brahma,

The cannery dog, who
makes you cry for mama.

Ouch.

- Eeee...

Ow!

Oomph!

- In case I forgot
to introduce myself,

I'm brahma,
the watchdog,

And if you come
back in here,

You'll be nothin'
but an orange spot
on the floor.

Now, stay out!

- We usually have breakfast
at 8:00.

Fresh fish
would be nice.

- [Humming]

- Uh...maybe we should
have breakfast
at 8:00, boss.

Maybe 8:30--ooh!

- "Uh...maybe we should have
breakfast at 8:30, boss."

Shut up.

- Nice work, brahma.

If there's one thing we don't
need in a cat food cannery,

It's cats.



Whew!

- [Snoring]

- No 2-bit watchdog is gonna
make a chump outta me.

- Grr!

Eh heh heh heh
heh heh heh heh!

- Argh!

- Ha ha ha!

My little fire extinguisher/
burglar alarm

Will cool that crazy cat.

- Now, about breakfast.

I was thinkin' 7:30
might be better.

- Yipes!
- Aah!

- Yeow!

- Huh?

[All yelling]

- What's goin' on here?

- Yee-ah!

Ohh!

Aah!

- Looks like
I was wrong about you.

How would you like
to be our new watch cat?

All the cat food
you can eat.

[Brahma grumbles]

Brahma, you're fired!

You'll get your severance
steak in the mail.

I can't have a watchdog
who's beaten by a cat.

Now, out!

- [Grumbling]

I'll come in the back way

And take that cat
by surprise.

Look out belo-o-ow!

Ye-o-o-o-ow!

- Ha ha ha!

Nothin' like a nice,
cheery fire

To brighten your day.

- Ruh ruh ruh!

I gotta get back in there!

The mail truck!

That gives me an idea.

This package disguise will get
me in the cannery for sure!

- Hmm. Mailman must
have forgot this one.

Well, that's it
for the day.

You're in charge
till morning.

See that no one gets in.

- Uh, whoops!

Ah!

- You...you...you!

- Boys, boys, let's have
a little peace and quiet.

[Brahma grumbles]

- Huh?

- Uh-oh.

- [Grumbling]

Where's that cat?!

I got a bone
to pick with him!

- Here, bully, bully.

Here, bully, bully.

Ole!

- Oh! Ooh!

Ah ah--whoa!

Ooh! Whoa! Whoa!

Yeow!

[Grumbling]

- ♪ Let's g-g-go shower

♪ Smelling like a flower

Gee, that was fun.

Can I do it again, boss?

- [Grumbling]

Give it up, cat!

I'm gonna pulverize ya!

Yee-aw!

Oof!

- Some people sure know
how to ruin a guy's dinner.

Can't he take a hint?

- [Grumbling]

Whuh!

Oh! Whoa! Whoa-oh-oh!

Whoa-hoo!

Oof!

Whoa! Ooh ooh ooh!
Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh!

- Empty?

If I know heathcliff,

I'd better get
to the cannery fast,

Before he wrecks the place.

- Can I help you, son?

- I was afraid everyone
had gone for the day.

- You're lucky
I forgot my lunchbox.

What can I do for ya?

- It's these empty cans
of cat food.

- I'm really sorry about that.

Don't you worry.
We'll make it good.

Here. A free case
of cat food.

- Gee, thanks.

[Kaboom]

- Huh?

- Gee!

- Ok, who's responsible
for this?

Show yourself!

- [Whistles]

- Just as I thought.

You'll work all night.

Now, start cleaning.

Now, get going!

- [Snoring]

Oh, boy, that felt good.

Hmm. Let's see now.

- Your...

Ahh...

Milk.

- Very good.

And my, uh, paper?

- Ahh!

Your morning
paper, sir.

- Uh...good!

Gee, boss, this is fun.

Can we do this again
tomorrow?

- Grrr!

Ahh...

I'm too tired
to bop you one.

- Ahh!

- Allow me.

- Ooh, gee.

Why'd he do that, boss?

- Don't ya hate days
that start like this?

- [Snoring]

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- This is no laughing matter.

Yikes! What is that?

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Hoo ha ha!

- Button your beak,
you whacko bird.

- Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

- Hey, nobody
laughs at riffraff.

You think
I'm playing games, huh?

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- You think
it's funny, huh?

- Ah! Ha ha ha ha!

- All right, wise guy.

We'll see who
gets the last laugh.

Whoa--ah!

- [Kiss]

- Yech!

Ok.

Ok.

So you
got the last laugh.

I gotta--[whining]--

Get some sleep.

This has gotta work.

[Yawning]

- Ah ha ha ha!
Ooh ha ha ha!

- Perfect.

I can't hear a thing.

- [Clucking]

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

[Munching]

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- Yup. It's that
crazy laugh again.

It sure sounds like
riffraff's flippin' out.

- Yeah, yeah, mungo.

Definitely the laugh
of a loony gone gooney.

- Sounds like we might
need a new leader,

'Cause somethin' funny's
goin' on up there.

Come on. We better check.

- Awk!

- I'd swear I heard
that nutty laugh,

Even in my sleep.

Yeah! That's it.
It must have been
a nightmare.

Hey, what are
you guys doing

In my domicile
unannounced?

- Ah, sorry, riffraff,

But in your, uh, condition,
you need help.

Get him, guys!

- My condition?

Back off.

I do need your help,

But from a big,
goofy, uh, bird.

- Oh, my word,
a big, goofy bird.

Ha ha ha ha!

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Hoo ha ha!

- Yeah, a bird,
and there it is now.

- Come on, guys.

We'll show
that feathered freak

Not to bother our leader.

Charge!

All: whoa!

[Crash]

All: yeow!

- Hey, that was funny.

Heh heh heh heh!

- Funny, my foot.

It's impossible.

Let's split.

- We're right
behind ya.

- We'll just hide
till that bird

Finds somebody else
to drive bonkers.

- Somebody else?
I think it's a she,

And she has eyes
just for you.

- Ha ha ha!
- Huh?

- You do have a way
with the chicks, ya know,

Even big gooney ones.

- Cool it, fur brain.

Come on. Follow me.

- Splendid hideout,
riffraff, my man.

Now what do we do?
What's the plan?

- We'll take turns
sleeping and guarding.

I'll take
the first shift--

Ahh...

Sleeping.

[Snoring]

- How come he sleeps
while we have to guard?

- Like, it should be
simple, even for you.


Than 2.

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

[All screaming]

[Crash]

- [Snoring]

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Hoo ha ha!

- That laugh.
I must be dreaming.

- [Kiss]

- Guh!

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- Where'd they go?

- In here, riffraff,

Where it's safe.

[All screaming]

- Swell, hector.

Safe, but...

Yech!

Stinky.

- Oh, boy...

A fishy.

- Runnin' from a bird.

Man, we're gonna be
laughed outta town.

- You're right, hector.

No more running.

This means w*r.

That junkyard--

On our own turf that
crazy feather duster
won't stand a chance.

Relax, guys.
This'll be a snap.

After all,
it's just a bird.

Ha ha ha.

- "A rare wazooli whacko bird

Recently escaped
from the zoo, and it's--"

- Big deal!

So, what's
your battle plan,
o great leader?

- It's simple, hector.

The defense
takes the offense,

Which means,
when it shows up,
we nail it.

- Oh, my word,
there's a reward
for the bird.

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- Ok, whacko, this
is your last laugh!

Give up or else.

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- So that's your answer, huh?

Ok, guys, here's the plan.

[Whispering]

Everybody know their jobs?

Ok, battle stations.

Remember the plan.

I'm the decoy.

As soon as the whacko
makes its play, get it.

Got it?

- Uh, got it.
- Got it!

- There it is!
We've got it trapped!

- Uh, one whacko bird
comin' up.

Duh ha ha!

- I knew you
were tailing me.

Now it's my turn
to laugh.

Ha and ha!

It looks like
your laughing days
are over now.

Hee hee hee!

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Hoo ha ha!

- Yee-ow!

Aah!

- Oh, no.

- I think it's time
for plan "b."

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- What went wrong?

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- Plan "b"--

Go get the cat balloon
ready for takeoff.

- Come on, riffraff.

You expect to catch
the whacko all by yourself?

Ha ha ha!
That's a laugh.

- It's my only chance--
hee hee hee--

And I plan to catch it
with a laugh.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah.

- Ok, whacko.

Now we'll see
who has the last laugh.

Hee hee hee hee!

Hey, whacko, here I am.

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Hoo ha ha!

[Kiss...pop]

- Greetings, whacko.

Had any good laughs lately?

Hee hee-hee
hee hee hee-hee hee-hee.

[Recording]
ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Hoo ha ha!

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Hoo ha ha!

- It worked!

Aw, too bad, whacko,

But you'll thank me
for this later,

When you're with
your own whacky kind,

Back home
on wazooli island.

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- Ooh, man, you don't know it,
but you sure did blow it.

- That's my reward,
wordsworth.

I love
happy endings,

Especially when they
end with a laugh.

Hee hee hee hee.

- Duh, me, too.

Me, too.

[Laughter]

- The zoo would have payed
us almost any reward

For returning
that whacko bird?

Like a fortune
in fish snackies?

- That's the gig.
Now ya dig?

- Huh. Some
happy ending.

Oh...

This is
a miserable ending.

- Not for the whacko.

It sounded really happy
about going home.

And, besides...ahh...

I'm too tired to care.

Ahh...

Sleep at last.

[Snoring]

- Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- Huh?

What's that?

Oh, no.

Not again!

Huh?

I don't believe it.

Oh, no!

- [Kiss]

Ah hoo hoo ha
hoo-ha hoo-ha!

- Yuck-yuck.

- When your dog is old,

You can't push him too hard,

Especially
if he's overweight.

- Are you calling me fat?

- Uh...relax, old fella.

Your old dog needs
regular exercise,

But remember not to make
him run, jump,

And play like he used to.

- [Snoring]

- The best idea is
to take your older dog

For short, easy walks.

Here, let's go, old boy.

- ♪ Cats and company have fun

♪ Playin pranks on everyone

♪ New adventures every day

♪ The cats will
always get their way ♪

♪ The g*ng will reign supreme

♪ And no one can deny-y-y-y

♪ They'll make some history

♪ They always have
an appetite ♪

♪ So join in the jubilee

♪ The cats are great,
they'll all agree ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh

♪ Oh oh oh

♪ New adventures every day

♪ Cats and company,
they can win it with you ♪

- Cookie jar!

[Children laughing]