02x17 - Doggone Record Breaker

[bunniefuu]

- ♪

- Troy, Coach wants to see you
on the field right away.

- And he did not sound
too pleased, unh-unh.

- Uh-oh, do you think
he knows I'm the one

who replaced his chair with one
made out of whoopee cushions?

- What? You did that?

- BELLA, NEWT, SAWYER:
Probably.

- All right, this
won't be that bad.

I've handled Coach before.

All I've gotta do is
bring him some brownies,

open the container,
the smell wafts out,

all is forgiven.

- Whoa, Principal Davis
is with him.

- This is an unprecedented
display of scholastic authority.

- Get over here, Mr. Dixon.
- [whistle shrills]

- Well, all I have
left is the truth.

Look, for the last
four months...

I've been suffering
from amnesia.

So, I shouldn't be blamed for
anything that's happened

since Coach's chair was replaced
with whoopee cushions.

- Wait? You did that?
- Yes.

No!
I...I don't remember.

I have amnesia.
[laughing]

So, what's this all about?

- It's about time
you came up with

some better excuses, young man.
- Dad!! You're home!!

- ALL: [applauding]

- This is so sweet.

- COACH: [laughing,
sobbing]

I told myself
I wasn't gonna...

[sobbing, gurgling]

- ♪ One of the boys
- ♪ She got it goin' on ♪

- ALL: [laughing]

- Hey, I wanna thank
you Bulldogs

for helping me
surprise Troy--

especially Bella.

She's the one who
came up with the whole

"make Troy squirm" angle.

- Ha. Oh, please.
I live to make Troy squirm.

Anyway, we couldn't have done
it without Mr. Davis and Coach.

- A father and son reuniting
is just so...

it's just so...
it's just so...

- Well said.

- I'll take care of him.
- I can't...

- We'll get you
some ice cream.

- COACH: Chocolate chip?
- MR. DAVIS: Okay.

- So, how long are
you back for, Dad?

- Ten days.

But we're gonna pack
a whole year's worth

of quality time into it.
- TROY: [laughing]

Yeah, we can please watch
the new season of "Mud Trucks."

- Yeah, and your mom
can make her famous

"welcome back" brisket.
- Aha!

- Oh, I love brisket.
Invite me! Invite me!

- Oh, and don't forget
Friday's football game.

If we win, we make it
to the playoffs.

- You know, we made the playoffs
when I went here, too.

That's the year
I set the all-time

regular season
touchdown record.

- Oh, I didn't know that.

- Yeah, there's a plaque
on the gym wall saying.

- Ooh, that's where
the ping pong table is.

You can look at it
after I crush you.

- MR. DIXON: [chuckles]
- It'll make you feel better.

- Yeah, dream on, kid.

Like you've ever
beaten me before.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- And don't forget
to invite Sawyer over

for some of that
brisket, right?

- Sawyer, I'll see if you can
come along. Relax.

- Okay, cool. I just really
like your mom's cooking.

[laughs] You guys.
You guys, too.

You're cool.

- ♪

- Hey, Newt, are you
taking a trip?

- You should have told me.

I would have bought
you the ticket--

one way.

- [nervous laugh]
Yep. Takin' a trip.

Gotta go.

- Wait, you're in too much of
a rush to be offended?

What's going on?
- [muffled barking]

- And why is your
suitcase barking?

- Uh, it's a barking
suitcase.

They're really big in...
like...Japan.

- Ugh, is it also
a farting suitcase?

- Can you guys
keep a secret?

- Oh!
- Oh, it's so cute.

- He is not cute.
He's tough.

That's why I named
him "Toughie."

- You brought
a dog to school.

If Principal Davis catches
you, you're toast.

- Don't worry,
I'll take care of him

while you're suspended.

- What? Back, woman!

My mom got him for me,

but when I brought him
back to my dad's house,

my stepmom Brenda started
sneezing like crazy.

Apparently,
she's allergic to him.

- Wait, why would your
mom get you a dog,

if your stepmom
was allergic--

Oh.

Never mind.

- So, your plan was to
bring the dog to school

and roll him around
all day?

- I don't know.
I didn't think it through.

I'm a single parent trying
to do the best I can!

- Hey, kids, no running
in the hallway.

- Oh, no, here comes
the principal.

- You guys have to help
me hide the dog.

- SOPHIE: Uh...

- Hi, kids.
- [Toughie barks]

- What was that?

- Yippee!
Another school day!

- Well, I like your
enthusiasm, Miss Dawson.

- [Toughie whimpering]

- Ahhhhh!

I was up so late
working on...

stuff.

- Well, "stuff"
is important.

Ew, what is that?

- SOPHIE: Uh...
Newt farted.

- Yes, it was me. I...

f-f-f-f-f...

- SOPHIE: [elbow jabs]
- ...farted.

- Okay.

- That was close.

- I think if you're
gonna do this,

you need a better
place to hide Toughie.

- Yeah, what if we put
him in the locker room?

You can hide him
in my locker.

- Thanks, Bella,
it's nice having a friend

who doesn't blame
awful smells on me.

- Did you get suspended?

No. You're welcome.

- ♪

- MR. DIXON: Mm-hmmm!

- I just wanted to
thank y'all again

for having me over
for dinner last night.

Your mom's brisket
is the best.

I even got some leftovers.

- Those weren't leftovers.
That was our dinner.

We were still eating when you
packed your doggie bag, man.

- So, Mr. Dixon,
show me where your plaque is.

- It's right over there with all
the other football awards.

Now where is it?

It used to be right next to
your coach's tackling award.

- Hm, "All-Time Tackling Record,
Marion P. Russell."

Wait, Coach's first
name is "Marion"?

I thought it was Phil.
Why would he change his name?

- Well, forget the Marion stuff.
Where's my plaque?

- They probably just took
it down to polish it.

- What's wrong with
a guy named Marion?

My grandfather's
name's Marion.

- The one day I'm here, I can't
even show you guys my plaque.

- Don't worry about it, Dad.

Let's just get
our ping pong on.

- Coach, Marion is a perfectly
masculine name,

and I never want
you to be ashamed of it.

In fact, I'm gonna start calling
you Marion from now on, Marion.

- Let's see what you
call me when I make you

run 37 laps at practice.

- Uh, no need for
that, Phil...

er, uh, Coach Russell.

- TROY: Ha! One, nothing.

Are you sure you don't
wanna back out now?

- Troy, you've never
beaten me before...

[deep voice]
...and you never will.

- TROY: Ha. Ha.
- You beat me.

- Woo! Finally!

In yo face!

The student has
become the master.

- [palm slap]

- I can't believe it.

- What's up, Dad?

- Aw...nothing.

Good game, son.

- Good game?
That was a terrible game.

You got crushed!

I mean, thank you for
your service.

- They take down my plaque,

my son beats me at ping pong,
for the first time ever,

and now I'm gettin' trash-talked
by this brisket burglar.

Welcome home, Ray.
- [phone bings]

- Oh, I have to pick
up your little brother

and take him to
his piano lesson.

See you at home, Troy.

- Okay.

Man, I've seen
my dad lose before,

but he's never
reacted like that.

I'm kind of worried.

I don't think he
liked losing to me.

- Nah, he seemed fine to me.

All he did was complain about
it and leave right after.

Oh, I see it now. Yeah.

- Man, I can't let
him be in a bad mood

for the rest of
the time he's home.

You know what?

I should get his plaque
back on the wall.

That'll make him feel better.
- That's a great idea.

You know what else will
make him feel good?

Another brisket.
I'll call your mom.

- Wait, you have my mom
in your phone?

- Oh, yeah.

Hey, Mrs. Dixon...

- ♪

- SOPHIE: [baby talk] Ooh,
that is the cutest doggie

in the universe, yeah!

- What did you do
to my dog?

- What? [baby talk] It's
a really cute outfit.

- His name is Toughie.
He doesn't wear outfits.

He doesn't wear any clothes.

That's how you
know he's tough--

'cause he walks around naked.

- Newt, relax,
we just dressed him up.

He was fine with it.

- I'm sorry.

Trying to hide
Toughie in here

without Principal Davis finding
out is really stressful.

- Everything's
gonna be fine.

No one's gonna find
the dog in here.

- I guess you're right.

Where is he?

Toughie? Here, boy.

- ALL: Toughie?

- Oh, no, the door's open.

He must have gotten out.

- We have to find him before
Principal Davis does.

- He's out there
all alone, naked,

with only his toughness
to protect him.

My baby! Oh!

- Toughie?
- Toughie?

- Hey, Principal Davis,

can I talk to you
about something?

- Oh, don't worry about the
whoopee cushion chair, Troy.

[laughing]
I sat in it and,

quite frankly,
it was hilarious.

- Oh, thanks,
but actually it's about

my dad's touchdown record.

The plaque seems
to be missing.

- Oh, I wanted it to
be a big surprise

with your dad in
town and all.

Last week, you tied
your dad's record

for the most touchdowns
in school history.

- He did?

- Yeah, one more touchdown
and you'll break it--

which I expect will
happen tonight, right?

- Right.

- The plaque is being engraved

so I can present it
to you after the game.

I figured nothing would make
your dad's trip home better

than watching his own son
replace him in the record books.

- Yeah, being beaten by
his own son. Again.

He's gon' love that.

- He sure is.
[laughing]

I can't wait.

- You're gonna break
your dad's record?

That's great, Troy.

- No, it's horrible.
- Huh?

- You saw how he was after
losing a game of ping pong.

How do you think
he's gonna feel

when I erase his name
from the record books?

Forever.

- I know how to handle this.

- [phone blips]

- Oh.

- Sawyer, if that's my mom, I'm
gonna feed you that phone, okay?

- I'll call you back,
Mrs. Dixon.

Oh.

- ♪

- It's gonna k*ll my dad,

if I break his
record tonight.

- Yeah, he's definitely
gonna be upset.

- Unless...

I don't break his record.

I don't have to score
for us to win.

Bella can just throw to you.

- But if you're on the field,
she's gonna throw to you.

- True.
[laughing]

I mean, I'm just so good,
I can't help gettin' open.

[laughing]

But what if I'm not
on the field?

- Hm?

- I can just pretend
to be sick

and you can pick
up the slack.

Catch all the passes.
Get all the glory.

- Ooh, impress the ladies?

- Okay, slow your roll.
I still got all the ladies.

- I don't know, Troy.

This game is for
the playoffs.

- But, Sawyer, this is bigger
than the playoffs.

This is for my dad.

I cannot let him see
me beat that record.

- Hey, what's up, fellas?

You all ready for
the big game tonight?

- Uh, actually, I'm not
feeling so good, Coach.

- What?
- Right, Sawyer?

- Uh, yeah, yeah,
I never saw so much puke.

He went "Old Faithful"
all over me. Bleeeeh!

- Well, Dixon, I...I hope you
feel better before tonight.

I mean, we've got
a lot riding on this game.

I would hate to have
to play without you.

- Yeah, yeah, I hope
I get better, too.

- Yeah, me, too.

- I don't think
you will, Troy.

Coach, it was like
Niagara Falls--

if the water was made
out of his breakfast.

Blooooogh! Blooooogh!

- I checked the auditorium
and the entire second floor.

No sign of Toughie.

- I checked the first floor,
the computer lab,

and the gym--nothing.

Pepper, any luck?

- I checked the cafeteria.
- That's it?

You stopped and ate,
didn't you?

- Searching for a dog
burns a lot of calories.

I needed an energy boost.

- You could have at
least brought us some.

- I did.
- Oh.

- I'm weak.

- No Toughie?

All right, the game
starts in an hour.

Time to bring out
the big g*ns.

- GIRLS: [gasping]
- What is that smell?

- Fish-flavored
doggie treats.

They're Toughie's favorite.
He can't resist them.

All right, everyone
take a handful.

I'm sure Toughie
will catch a whiff

and come running
to one of us.

- Hey, kids, I heard there's
a dog roaming the hallway.

Newt, are those
doggie treats?

- Uh, no, they're
just, um...

protein energy snacks.

I'm bulking up.
Grrrr!

- Newt, I will have to suspend
you, if you have a dog--

- No, really, they're
his protein snacks.

- Yeah, Newt, eat one.
- BELLA: [laughs]

- Go on.

- [nervous laugh]

[clears throat]
Mmm, proteiny.

- You know,
I'm into supplements.

I work out about
three times a week.

But, uh,
you probably noticed.

- Yeah.
- Totally.

- You're ripped!

- Mind if I try
some of these?

- Take 'em all.

Thanks a lot, Sophie.

That tasted like
fish butts,

and I don't even know
if fish have butts.

- Once again, did you
get suspended?

No. You're welcome.
- Fish butts!

[gagging]

- SPECTATORS:
[cheering]

- Ace McFumbles here.

It's the fourth quarter
and the Bulldogs are winning,

even with their star
receiver Troy Dixon

sick on the sidelines.

Feel better soon, Troy.

But until then,
better safe than sorry.

- ♪

- Set...

hut!

- ♪

- [whistle shrills]
- SPECTATORS: [cheering]

- TROY: Yeah!
[laughing]

- You feeling better, Dixon?

- Oh...stomach cramp.

Just, uh, workin' it out.

Uh, don't wanna, uh, puke up
another Niagara Falls.

[coughing]

- CHEER SQUAD:
[hooting]

Ready? Okay.

Here we go, Bulldogs,
here we go!

- SPECTATORS: Woof! Woof!

- Here we go, Bulldogs,
here we go!

- SPECTATORS: Woof! Woof!

- Here we go, Bulldogs,
here we go!

- Newt cheer.

When I say "Bulldog,"
you say "Newt!"

Bulldog!
- SPECTATORS: Newt!

- Bulldog!
- SPECTATORS: Newt!

- Bulldog!
- SPECTATORS: Newt!

- Bulldog!
- SPECTATORS: Newt!

- Bulldog!
- SPECTATORS: Newt!

- They're chanting my name.
It finally happened.

They love me!
Everybody loves me!

- Newt, they're pointing
at Toughie.

- ♪

- No, Toughie!

- ♪

- [heavy thud]

- TROY: Ooh!

- SPECTATORS:
[gasping]

- So, it was your dog

running around the school
this whole time.

- It's...it's...

- It's Toughie,
our newest school mascot.

- Yeah, he, uh, he's
supposed to be on the field.

- He is?

He is.

- Yeah. So, thanks for
finding him, Newt.

He runs off sometimes.

- Well, I really wish
the cheer squad

would have run this whole
mascot idea by me, first.

But she is a very
cute dog.

- She's a he and he's
not cute, he's tough.

He eats smelly food
and he's always naked.

I mean, I assume.
[laughing]

I don't know him
or her very well.

Hold him.

- ♪

- ACE: There isn't much
time left, folks,

and the Bulldogs
are trailing 24-20.

- Set!

Ready? Ready?

Hut!

- ♪

- SPECTATORS:
[gasping]

- [groaning]
- Time out!

- [whistle shrills]

- Come on, come on,
come on, you guys, hustle up.

Nobody's getting open.

We've gotta figure out
something, all right?

Uh, I'm gonna draw
up a play.

- Troy, you need
to stop faking.

If we don't win this thing,

we're not getting
into the playoffs.

- Wait. You're faking?
- Sawyer...[groans]

- This whole time
you could play?

Are you crazy?

- Bella, I can't do it.

My dad holds the all-time
touchdown record,

and if I score in this game,
I'll break it.

- If you score in
this game, we'll win.

- It'll crush him.

- Troy, the playoffs
have been our goal

ever since
we started this season.

- COACH: Okay, huddle up!
Here's the play.

- We need you.

- ♪

- BULLDOGS: Break!

- SPECTATORS:
[cheering]

- Coach, I feel okay.
Put me in.

- Are you sure?

I...I saw Niagara Falls once,
on my honeymoon,

and that didn't end well.

- I'm sure.

- Well, then get in there.

- SPECTATORS:
[cheering]

- [whistle shrills]

- Okay, new play.

X-post and z-motion
going wide on 303.

We're throwing to Troy.

Ready?
- BULLDOGS: Break!

- SPECTATORS:
[cheering]

- ♪

- BELLA: Set! Ready?

Ready? Hut!

Hut! Hut!

- ♪

- SPECTATORS: [cheering]
- [whistle shrills]

- Bulldogs win!

We're going to the playoffs!

Also, with that catch,

Troy Dixon has broken
the all-time touchdown record,

surpassing his own
father, Ray Dixon!

- Troy, you did it!
You got us to the playoffs.

- Yeah.

I did.

- ♪

- Troy.

- Dad, look, I know what
you're gonna say.

But I had to
choose the team.

I'm sorry, I didn't wanna
break your record.

I know how important
it is to you.

- What are you
talking about?

- When they announced
I broke it,

you had your head
in your hands.

- Troy, I was crying.

- I knew it.
I'm the worst son ever.

- No.

Tears of joy.

Troy, I got to see my son
break my record.

It was the proudest
moment of my life.

Don't tell your brother.

- But you were upset when
I beat you at ping pong.

- I wasn't upset
you beat me.

Troy, the last time
I was deployed,

you could barely
hang with me.

Now you're kickin' my butt.

I'm upset that I'm missing
out on my son growing up.

- TROY: [sighing,
laughing]

Well, Dad, I'll kick
your butt at ping pong

and time you want me to.
- [chuckling]

Now that's my boy.

- [laughing]
- [chuckling]

- COACH:
[sniveling]

It's...it's so beautiful.

- Seriously?

Again?

- ♪

- And that is game.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, all right.
Lucky shot, son.

- What was that?

I couldn't hear you because
you're so far behind!

- Troy, don't get c*ck.

It's only game seven
of nineteen.

- Can you guys
finish this later?

Your mom says
the brisket's gettin' cold.

- Sorry, Sawyer,
we finish this today.

- All right, well, I'll
see ya back at your house.

- Yeah, see ya there.

- Game eight.
Prepare to get torched.

- Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Did we just send Sawyer
back to our house

with a head start
and an empty stomach?

- Sawyer, stay away
from my dinner!

- And take my mom
out your phone, man!

- ♪

- ♪