02x15 - Bad Grandma

[bunniefuu]

- ♪

- Amazing news.

My mom is having a boy!

- A boy? That's awesome.

Baby boys are adorable.

- At first.

But then they grow up,

and the house smells like armpit
and cooked feet.

- I'll worry about that
when it happens.

But guess what?

My mom is letting me
decorate the nursery.

I convinced her I'm responsible,
deadline oriented, and decisive.

I may have oversold myself.

I can't even decide
what color to paint the walls.

Which one would you choose?

- Um, the blue.

- Which blue?

French blue, summer sky,
morning mist, or tide pool?

Bella?

- Uh...the blue.

- Uhhh!

How am I ever gonna decide?

- I don't know
what you're doing,

but stay away from tide pool.

Uh, you can drown in that shade.

- How do you know
all about paint colors?

- My stepmom Brenda
asked me to help her

redecorate her bedroom
when she moved in with us.

And by help, I mean she showed
me pictures in magazines

and said, "Oh, do this."

- Hey, do you
wanna help me decorate

my baby brother's nursery?

I could really use someone
with skills

and a male point of view.

- Are you kidding? Count me in.

- Thanks, Newt.

How 'bout you two?

- I know if I say no
you'll never leave me alone.

So yeah, can't wait.

- I wish I could.

I have to do
my community service hours.

- Oh, we did ours last quarter.

- Me, too.

But be warned,
highway beautification

is just a fancy term
for cleaning up roadkill.

Also, possums
aren't always dead.

They just appear to be.

Good luck.

- Hey, guys.

Uh, there's not
too many choices left.

- Yeah, we can either volunteer
at the retirement home

or join the highway
beautification program.

- Uh, beautification.

I like the sound of that.

- Apparently,
it's just a fancy term

for cleaning up roadkill.

- Retirement home it is.

- Yeah.
- That's what I was thinking.

- Hey, I bet it will be fun.

You can learn a lot
from older generations.

- Yeah. Just because
someone's in their 40s

doesn't mean they're worthless.

- That's true.

After all, my grandpa taught me
how to wash a car, mow the lawn,

make his favorite sandwich,
clip his toenails.

Wait a minute.

Pop Pop played me!

Ha. Respect.

- ♪

♪ You won't find me
in the bleachers ♪

- ♪ Yeah,
that girl is one of us ♪

- ♪ I'm made of spice
and sugar ♪

- ♪ She's pretty
and pretty tough ♪

- ♪ Then add a little glitter

- ♪ Three yards
in a cloud of dust ♪

- ♪ And you get, you get

- ♪ A game changer,
play maker ♪

♪ Take the ball,
she'll see ya later ♪

- ♪ I'm on a dream like,
team like ♪

♪ Living like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She's got it goin' goin',
she's got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ I'm gonna play like,
Friday night ♪

♪ Kick it like one of the boys

- ♪ She got it going, going

- ♪ One of, one of the boys ♪

- ♪

- And in here
is the community room.

- This place is so nice.

- Man, I wanna live here
when I'm old.

- sh**t, I wanna live here now.

Did you see?

They have Taco Tuesday
every day of the week.

The rules don't apply here.

I love this place!

- Well, we do try
to keep things fun around here.

These are active, happy seniors.

And matching them
with Senior Pals,

such as yourselves,
really keeps their spirits high.

That's Kit.

He's a former astronaut.

Many of our residents have led
rich, fascinating lives.

Steve over there was a pilot.

And we also have two
former Congressman.

And Doris, she played baseball
for an all-woman's league.

So I--
- Wait, Doris McKenna?

- You've heard of her?

- Yes.

Doris "Cookie" McKenna
of the Lonestar Lassies.

She's in a book I read called
"Stay Strong, Girl."

It's a collection
of inspiring stories

about women who beat the odds.

- Does that come
in an audiobook

so I can not listen to it?

- TROY: [laughs]

- Doris McKenna
is one of my heroes.

Do you think you can assign me
to be her Senior Pal?

Please!

- I'm sorry. Doris didn't
sign up for the program.

- Uh. That's too bad.

- Don't worry, honey.

I think I got someone
you're gonna love.

Here she is now.

Esther!

- Oh, can't talk now!

I'm training for a 5K!

- Don't worry, Bella.

You'll get your credit
for today.

As for you guys,
we're slightly overbooked.

So I'm gonna assign you
to the same Senior Pal.

- It's Kit the astronaut,
isn't it?

[laughs]

- No, Ernie the mailman.

And I think he needs
a little help learning

how to use
his new computer tablet.

- [computer beeping]

- TROY: Oh, man.

- ♪

- All right, girls,
I'll leave it to you. Have fun.

But be extra careful
of the new carpeting.

It's ecofriendly.

Which is another way of saying
it's expensive.

It's very expensive.

- Don't worry.

We'll take good care of it.

- Besides,
we're not painting today.

Just prepping.

- Oh, Pepper,
I'm so proud of you.

Oh now if you'll excuse me,

I have a craving
for peanut butter on a burrito.

[laughs] Anyone want one?
No. Okay.

- Pregnant women are a mystery.

- [laughs] This is so fun.

- I can't believe you roped
poor Newt into this, too.

- He said he wanted to help.

- Well, I know,
I just don't think of Newt

as a roll-up-your-sleeves
and get dirty kind of guy.

- Somebody call my name?

- Look at you.

- Where'd you get
that tool belt?

- Brenda.

She's had a lot of work done.

Wait, that didn't
come out right.

Actually, it kinda did.

Anyway, I've become pretty good
with room re-dos.

First up, let's get rid
of this crummy carpet.

- No! That is not an option.

It's super expensive because
it's made from recycled sheep.

Or something organic like that.

- Okay, fine,
I can work with the carpet.

But this room needs a theme.

I'm thinking...bears.

- Um, well, actually,
I was thinking of a train theme.

I did a lot of research,

and baby boys love
choo-choo trains in their room.

- Well, I was a baby boy,
and I had bears in my room.

Trains are loud and smoky,
but bears are soft and soothing.

- Until they rip
someone's arm off

and gnaw on it by a creek.

- Oh, like trains don't
eat people every day.

You know what? Never mind.

Look, this room
is screaming for bears.

- No,
it's screaming for trains.

- Bears.
- Trains!

- Bears.
- Trains!

- Bears.
- Trains!

- Wait, I have an idea.

How 'bout little ducks?

- Ew, no.
- Is she kidding?

- ♪

- Hi, Esther.

It's Wednesday at 4:30,
time for scrapbooking.

- Oh, sorry, kiddo,

I'm volunteering
at the teen center today.

Didn't you get my reminder
on Pencil In?

- Oh, no,
I don't have that app.

- Oh, well, let's see.

- [phone beeps]
- Now you do.

[laughs]

I've available Tuesdays
between Pilates and Krav Maga.

Eeee-yah!

Later.

- Oh, dear, that one.

If you wanna
keep her in the room,

you gotta nail her feet
to the floor.

I'd like to nail her mouth shut,
too, but that's just me.

- You're Doris McKenna, right?

- That depends.

You're not
my ex-husband's lawyer, are you?

No, you're too young.

- Actually, I'm a fan.

Hi, I'm Bella,
and I'm a female athlete, too.

You really inspired me.

I know everything about you.

In fact, I even edited
your Wikipedia page.

- Really?
Can you change my birthdate?

I wanna be 50 again.

- On it.

Hey, is it really true
that you hit a triple

off the Yankee's Whitey Ford
in an exhibition game?

- No, it's not true.

It was a homerun.

That was in 1952.

You know I was the highest paid
player on the ladies' league?

And I still only got paid
$8 that season.

It's tough being
a girl ballplayer.

- I know something about that.

I play quarterback
on the boy's football team.

- Well, then you
must be tough, too.

- Not tough enough to hit
a Whitey Ford fastball...

but I can hold my own.

- I don't doubt it.

- One time
I got hit in practice,

my shoulder popped out,
and I only missed one game.

- I know all about that.

I've got so many pins
in my hips,

I mean, I just feel
like a voodoo doll.

- BELLA: [laughs] Hey,
can I ask you something else?

- Yeah.

- Did you really tell off that
umpire the way they say you did?

- It was worse.

- Really?

- Mm. Are you over 17?

Because the language is R rated.

Oh, heck, I'll tell you anyway.

[inaudible whispering]

- And you swipe
to go to the next window.

- And that brings you
to Click Pic,

which is a great way
to connect to your grandkids.

- Grandkids?

Nah, I wanna connect
with some ladies.

You feel me, boys?

- Why, Ernie,
now you're talking my language.

- Well, in that case,
what we gotta do

is sign you up
for a dating site.

- That's right.

First thing you're gonna need
is a debonair profile picture.

You know, to let the ladies
know what you're working with.

Okay, now come on,
give me what you got.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Come on, Ernie.

To lure the ladies, you need
to project an air of mystery,

not an ad for dentures.

- Yeah, yeah.

Look off into the distance
like you're trying to remember

where you parked
your European sports car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Okay, that's not it.

Ernie, that's not it,
that's not it.

No, um...let's try again.

This time, you know
where your car is parked.

- Know.
- TROY: You know.

Okay, let's see.

There it is. Yes.

Ernie, yes.

- ♪

- Okay, I'll roll,
and you paint the edges.

- Perfect.

- NEWT: Hey!

I heard this room
was calling for bears.

- What the?
- Whoa.

- Uh.

Am I right or am I right?

[in deep voice]
You're right, Newt.

- Oh, like a baby boy
wouldn't be scared

of a seven-foot-tall bear.

- Seven feet of sweetness.

Come on, look at him.

- Newt, please put that thing
downstairs and grab a brush.

- [sighs] Fine.
But he belongs in this room.

You see?
He doesn't want to leave.

He knows he belongs in here.

Come on.

- Wait!
Before we start painting,

we need to take
a before picture.

- Oh, good idea.

- Uh, where'd I put my phone?

- Hold on, I'll call it.

- [phone ringing]

- Oh, there it is.

- [phone ringing]

- BOTH: No!

- Sorry!

- No, no, no, no, the carpet!

- Stop it, stop it,
it's making it worse.

Uh, we should let it dry and try
to scrap it off tomorrow.

- MOM: How's it going in there?

- Uh, don't come in!

Uh, you cannot see this room
until we're finished.

[laughs]

I am so finished.

- ♪

- Oh, 40 hits
since your photo went up.

I'd say
that's some kind of record.

- Look at this hottie.

It says she's 76.

But she doesn't look
a day over 75.

- Point...and swipe.

Yes, very good.

- Check her out.

Not that cute,
but she can still drive.

- Um, Ernie, you might
wanna pace yourself.

You know,
like one woman at a time.

- Nah. I say go for it, Pops.

Since my girlfriend and I
broke up,

a whole new world
has opened up for me.

- So you're dating
a lot of gals?

- No. But I could
if I wanted to.

I mean, I have options.

Lots of options. Mm-hmm.

- It'll be okay.
- Thanks.

- Hi, Bella.
You just missed Esther.

She left for a drum circle
ten minutes ago.

- Uh, I actually
came by to see Doris.

We really hit it off
the other day.

- So glad to hear that.

She doesn't get many visitors.

She could use
someone to talk to.

- I'll talk to that Doris
any day of the week.

- Down, Ernie.

- Hey, who are
those cookies for?

- Doris.

- Really?

Did you make sure
to taste them first?

'Cause I remember
that one time--

- It was one bad batch.
Just once.

Let it go.

- Hi, Bella.

Esther's out doing
her drum circle, a vision quest,

or something like that.

That woman
has way too many hobbies.

- [laughs] I know.

I came by to see you.

- Oh.

- And I brought
you these cookies.

You know, because your nickname
was Cookie.

I put that on Wikipedia, too.

Oh, and you are now


- Why thank you
for looking out for me.

- And I was thinking,
since we get along so well,

maybe I could be
your Senior Pal?

- So that's what
this is all about.

- Yeah, I can sign you right up.

I have the paperwork.

- No, thank you, I don't need
a friend assigned to me.

- Okay, but I thought
since we had so--

- No, listen to me, I don't
want you for a Senior Pal.

- But I thought since--
- Leave me alone, Bella.

- What was that about?

- I don't know.

But did she say
anything about me?

Not a good time. I'll come back.

- ♪

- ♪

- And she said she didn't
want to be my Senior Pal.

And then she told me
to leave her alone.

- You should probably stop
making cookies for people.

- It was one bad batch.

I don't get it.

We got along so well
the day before.

- Sometimes old people get
low blood sugar and act cranky.

Abuela once punched a waiter
for taking too long

with her tuna melt.

True story.

- Maybe she's irritated

because paint spilled all over
her mom's priceless carpet,

and now she'll be
grounded forever and or k*lled.

- Pepper! Pepper! Stay with us.

- We had a connection.

It was like she understood me

better than anyone
I've ever met.

And the crazy part is,

I think she really liked
being with me, too.

- Maybe you can
change her mind.

You'll think of something.

- [sighs] You're right, Sophie.

I'm gonna go for it.

Oh, and about the carpet,
try Nitroclean.

- That's a great idea.

- She couldn't
have led with that?

- Come on, Nitroclean,
do your thing.

- Look, it's working.

- Uh, it might be working
a little too well.

- Oh, no!
It's eating the carpet.

- Newt, this is all your fault.

It never would have happened

if you hadn't
knocked over that ladder.

- Me?
All I did was open the door.

Pepper's the one who put
the paint on the ladder.

- But Sophie's the one who put
the ladder in front of the door.

- But Bella's the one
who told us to use Nitroclean.

- Then we agree.

It's Bella's fault.

- Yeah.
- Bella's fault.

- Wow, placing blame on others

is a great way to feel better
about your own inadequacies.

- Yeah.
- So true.

- ♪

- Way to go, Ernie.

You've gotten a lot of replies
to your dating profile.

- Oh, it looks like your
favorite's column's almost full.

Can we get rid
of one of these Connies?

- Okay, but keep Connie B.

Says she's got a hot tub.

Va-va-va-voom!

- Oh, look,
here's one from Marlene.

She says, "Dear Ernie, I could
tell by your profile picture

"that you're a very busy man.

"I'm busy, too.

"Thinking of us on the beach
while I slather suntan lotion

on our manly shoulders and--"
Oh!

Now I need to take a shower.

- Oooh, look at this one.

"I like long walks in the park,
fresh rhubarb pie,

and watching the fireflies
at dusk."

Sounds like a nice grandma.

Wait, that's my grandma!

Delete, delete.

- Do your worse.
I got the Cloud.

Will you teach me the Cloud?

- ♪

- Why aren't you telling me
what's going on?

I thought we were
going to the movies.

I wanna see Channing Tatum
with his shirt off.

- The movie's
not for another hour.

I thought we'd stop off
and visit with someone first.

- Hey, Doris!

- Oh, no.

- I know this isn't
a baseball field,

but it's the best I could do.

Wanna play some ball?

- You tricked me.

- Did I? I guess I did.

Anyway,
I'll let you two get to it.

- Don't you have any friends
your own age?

- Good one, Doris.

Here comes the heat.

- I don't need you for a pal.

What are you trying to do?

Get a story
for your college essay?

"How I helped an old woman
by just being me."

- Oh, come on.

You're just afraid
of my fastball.

- Uh, you call that a fastball?

I've seen turtles move faster
than that, and they were dead.

- Okay. You asked for it.

- Okay.

- Ooop!

Hey! You did that on purpose.

- Yep, I guess I did.

And if I'd known you were gonna
duck, I would have aimed lower.

- I can't figure you out.

This was a waste of time.

I thought you were my hero,

but it turns out you're nothing
but a mean, old witch.

- Yep.

- ♪

- Okay, Pepper, we can do this.

- Yep. You're right.

We just have
to stay calm and cool.

- MOM: Pepper,
can I come in now?

- [gasps] Get out,
get out, get out!

- Uh, she means it'll be done
in a few minutes.

She just wants it to be perfect.

- MOM: Okay, please hurry.

- [sighs] I got it.

Maybe if I climb
out of the window

and run away from home,

my mother will be so upset
she won't even notice the hole.

She won't.

- Oh yeah, that'll work.

- Hey, girls. Look who's back.

[in deep voice] Did ya miss me?

- Enough with the bear, Newt.

- Just watch.

- It covers it perfectly.

- One more thing.

Choo-choo.

- Bears and trains.

- BOTH: Who knew?

- I can't take it anymore,
I'm coming in.

Oh.

Oh my gosh. What is that?

- Um...

- That bear
is a train conductor?

That's adorable.

- Thank you.

- Oh, you did such a great job,
Pepper.

Oh. [laughs]

Oh, just make sure you figure
out a way to patch the hole

before your father
sees it,

because he is not gonna take it
as well as I did.

- Okay, Ernie, we've replied
to your top five women.

Anyone else
you need to respond to?

- I'm okay for now.

Can't wait to meet these gals.

Hey, Phyllis!

Be there in a minute.

- Oh, she seems to like you.

- Yeah, I hope so,
she's my girlfriend.

- What?

- No way.

- Wait, you've been making us
set you up on these dates

and you already
have a girlfriend?

- What am I supposed to do?

She goes to bed at 5.

I gotta do something
with my nights.

- Oh.

- You scoundrel.

- Oh, lighten up, boys.

Life is short.

Phyllis!

- Can you believe that guy?

- Yeah, man.

He's such a player.

Respect.

You know I'm gonna go ask him
a couple of questions.

I'll be back.

- I have one, too.

- Hey, um, Ernie.

- ♪

- Here you go.

- So you didn't want to throw
this one at me, too?

- I'm sorry, Bella.

- Whatever.

I already have enough material
for my essay.

How a mean, old lady hates me...

or a better title than that.

- I don't hate you.

I like all you kids
who volunteer.

But once you get
your community service credit,

you disappear.

When I met you, I saw myself.

And I knew it would be extra
hard when you disappeared.

- That's what's been going on?

Doris, I already got
my service credit.

Esther signed my form two days
ago after her Kabuki show.

- You mean you're here
because you wanna be?

- That's what I've
been trying to tell you.

- I misjudged you.

- Happens all the time.

So, how much time
do you have before your movie?

- Twenty minutes.

But to fix your fastball,
we're gonna need a week.

Maybe months.

- Okay, you got it.

Is it really that bad?

- We'll work on it.

- ♪

- Wow. This could take a year.

- ♪

- ♪

- Hey, do you need a ride?

My mom's here.

- Oh, thanks,
but my grandma's picking me up.

She's just a little late.

- Sorry, Sawyer.

I had to stop
and pick up my new friend.

- How's it going, boys?

- Sawyer, meet Ernie.

- We've already met.

Grandma, he has a girlfriend.

- At least one, if not more.

- So what?

I've got three boyfriends.

Get with the times, kiddo.

- We're going out
for the early bird special.

Va-va-va-voom!

- Dude, your grandma's
such a player.

- If you say respect,
we are no longer friends.

- Okay, all right.

Do you wanna ride with me,
because--

- ♪

- ♪