02x10 - Parents & Pigskins

[bunniefuu]

- Ace McFumbles here.

In two days, it's the Parents
& Pigskins Game.

Bulldogs players
and their parents

will team up for
flag football.

You'll see screaming,
whining, and bad sportsmanship.

And that's just the parents.

Here's a highlight
from last year.

He's at the ten,
the nine, the eight.

[sighing]
I love this game.

It always makes me feel
better about my own life.

- [whistle shrills]

- All right, Bulldogs,
after hours of deliberation,

I've carefully
selected the teams

for the Parents
& Pigskins Game.

- You just threw the magnets
on the board, didn't you?

- Didn't even open
my eyes for it.

- Newt, we're
on the same team.

- [palm slap]

- Well, looks like it's
you and me, Troy.

Are you playing
with your mom?

- Nah, she's got work

and my dad's still
deployed overseas,

so, I think I'm gonna
ask my Uncle Milton.

- Oh, is he any
good at football?

- Well, he spends all day
doing computer security

for the government,
so, I doubt it.

- Oh, he works
with computers.

Interesting.

Sawyer, can I talk
to you for a second?

- Yeah.

- Did you hear that?
Troy's uncle is a nerd.

- So, are you guys
startin' a club?

- No.

This is my chance to finally
beat Troy at something.

He beats me at everything.

But this time,
I'm gonna win.

My dad's really good.

He played four
years in college.

And your dad was all-state
in football, right?

- Yep, all six years
of high school.

- Yes, this is the moment
I've been waiting for.

Hey, Dixon, we're gonna
crush you so bad,

they'll have to
use dental records

to identify your body.
- Whoa, there.

That's a little aggressive,
don't you think, Newt?

- Well, maybe you don't
like "Winner Newt."

But you'd better
get used to it.

Sawyer, you, me,
okay, man, let's bounce.

- BELLA: What?

- Hey, I like Winner Newt.

But I'm also
afraid of him.

- NEWT: Sawyer,
get out here!

- Coming!

- So, uh, what about
you, Bella?

You gonna ask your mom?

- Football isn't
really her thing.

She thinks a quarterback

is the change you get back
from a soda machine.

I'll probably ask
my uncle, too.

- Well, I'm really
looking forward to this game.

And since I don't
have to play,

it's gonna be me,
a food vendor,

and a hot bag of mini-donuts.
[chuckling]

Maybe two hot bags.
[chuckling]

- We have got to get that
man a girlfriend.

- At the very least--
some vegetables.

- ♪

- ♪ You won't find
me in the bleachers ♪

- ♪ Yeah that girl
is one of us ♪

- ♪ I'm made of spice
and sugar ♪

- ♪ She's pretty...
she's pretty tough ♪

- ♪ Then add
a little glitter ♪

- ♪ She off in
a cloud of dust ♪

- ♪ And you get...
you get... ♪

- ♪ A game changer,
play maker ♪

♪ Take the ball,
she'll see ya later ♪

- ♪ I'm on a dreamlike,
teamlike ♪

♪ Livin' like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it goin', goin',
she got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ Play like Friday night

♪ Kickin' like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it goin', goin',
she got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ One of the boys ♪

- ♪

- Mom, where's your
address book?

I need Uncle Dale's
phone number.

- Address book?
I'm a modern mom.

It's all in my smart phone.

Where is my smart phone?

I'll get the address book.

Why do you need to talk
to Uncle Dale?

- I'm gonna ask him to play

in the Parent-Kid
flag football game.

- Hey, I'm your parent.

Why don't you play
with me, instead?

- Oh, I didn't think
you'd be interested.

- Since you joined the team,
I've been getting more into it.

I even read "The Moron's
Guide to Football."

The name is insulting,
but it is very educational.

Come on, quiz me.

- Okay, how many points
is a touchdown?

- Six and then you can have
one of those kicky guys

kick it for a point

or one of those little speedy
guys run it in for two.

- Okay, you did say "kicky guy,"
but I'll allow it.

- Well, can I play?

- Yeah, let's do
this thing.

- I just have one thought.

What if we played
with the other team,

instead of against them?

That way, we'd all win.

- Mom, no.

- Okay, well, what if every
down was a first down?

- No.

- What if you got more
points for team spirit?

- Yeah, I'll talk
to Coach about that.

- So, I was thinking,

for the cheer booth at
the game, we could sell...

drum roll...
[imitating drumming]

...your mom's tamales!

- First, what kinda
drums are those?

And second, my mom would
never reveal her recipe.

- "A," they're clearly bongos
and, "B," maybe she will.

- That recipe's
a closely-guarded secret--

like her age,
her real hair color,

and what really happened
to our hamster.

Hamsters don't just pack
up and move away.

- Hola.

- Just ask her nicely.
Try opening with a compliment.

You need to turn to it.

- Mom, your hair
looks great.

What'd you put in it?

- What do you want?

- Actually, Pepper
and I love your tamales,

and were hoping you'd share your
secret tamale recipe with us.

- I'm glad you
like my tamales.

- So, you'll give
us the recipe?

- No.
- Please!

We wanna make them
for a cheer fundraiser

and we swear not to
tell anyone.

By the way, did I mention
how much I love your shoes?

- Well, mija. No.

- Ohhhh...

- I won't give you my recipe,
but I will make them for you.

And it's here to do
with you outta my way.

- Really? Thanks, Mom.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

- Are you sure you
don't need any help?

I'm guessing
the answer is, uh, "no."

- Sí.

- Mr. Huggins,
this is my dad, Vance.

He played
quarterback at Yale.

- Started all four years.

- Pleasure to meet
you, Vance.

Name's Cleveland.

'Course all my old teammates
call me "Stucky."

- Why's that?

- 'Cause every pass they threw
would stick to my hands.

- Would it make more sense
to call you "Sticky"?

- Yeah, but the team already
had another Sticky,

and you do not wanna
be Sticky #2.

- Sticky, Stucky, who cares?

Can we just stop
with the stories.

We need to practice.

- Easy, Newt.
It's just a game.

- Sorry. I just really
wanna beat Troy.

I'm also feeling
a lot of pressure.

Brenda accidentally
shrunk my undies.

- Been there, son.

- Hey, don't worry.

Troy and his nerd uncle
are no match for us.

- That's right.
Check this out.

Think he can handle a pass
from my golden slingshot?

- [laughing]

Does a heifer's tail
pull south on a full moon?

- That means "yes."
Yes, he can.

[chuckles]

Oh, man, our team's
looking pretty good.

- Yeah.
[laughs]

Oh, hey, Troy.
Where's your uncle?

- Running late.
But it's okay.

He doesn't need
too much practice.

Besides, the game's
just for fun.

- Troy's up to something.

I mean, when has he ever
said a game was just for fun?

He always has to win.

- Yeah, when we were kids,

he refused to play "Simon Says"
unless we called it "Troy Says."

And he never let
me be "Troy."

- Okay, this is slightly
different than normal football.

Instead of tackling,
you rip off one of these flags.

- Oh! That was easy.

- The other team's
flags, Mom.

You just tackled yourself.

- You'd think in "The Moron's
Guide to Football"

they'd have a section
on flag football.

[laughing]
Morons.

- Okay, let's work
on your catching.

Do you remember how
to run a button hook?

- Of course, I do.
It is such a cute name.

- Set! Hike!

- [heavy thud]

- I'm fine!

- Hey, she's just learning.

That's okay, Mom.
We'll get it.

Let's...let's go again.

Okay...

Set! Hike!

- Ow! [gasping]
You throw so fast!

- BOYS: [laughing]

- Set! Hut!

- Who the...?

- ♪

- Is that a man or
a stack of cannonballs?

- ♪

- I think it's a robot
sent from the future.

- Uncle Milton,
you made it.

- Hey, Bud.

- Here, let me
help you with those.

[grunts]
- [cooler thuds]

- You're good.

Water's over here,
if you need it.

- TROY: Thanks, Coach.

Uh, so, are you ready
to start practice?

- Hey, Buddy, I'm sorry.
That was work.

I gotta go, but I'll see
you at the game tomorrow.

- I get it.

You've probably gotta
stop an evil hacker

from infiltrating the
government's firewall, right?

- Troy, you make it sound
like I work for the C.I.A.

I just fix computers
for the D.M.V.

- Gotcha. The "D.M.V."

Okay, I'll see you
tomorrow, James Bond.

[laughs]

- How are we ever
gonna beat that guy?

- My dad's got it covered.

He used to be
a steer wrestler.

- Yeah, but that guy makes
a steer look like a Chihuahua.

You got this covered, right,
Golden Sling, now?

- It seems more like
a job for Stucky.

- The only thing worse

than knowing I'm gonna
lose to Troy again

is knowing I'm gonna have
to cut my undies off

to use the bathroom.

- ♪

- SOPHIE: I'm glad
Ms. Fitz let us

store the tamales
in the school fridge.

They wouldn't be safe at my
house with all my brothers.

- They wouldn't be safe
at my house either.

I eat a lot.

- Um, the card
isn't working.

- Let me try.

- [cooler scraping]

- Oh, no, a car!

- BOTH: No!

- ♪

- Two hours of
coaching my mom,

and somehow she got worse.

I feel awful saying this,
but she was kind of...

- Horrible? Embarrassing?
Even worse than Newt?

My bad. Did I get
too real?

- No. Unfortunately,
that covers it.

- Bella, stop worrying.
It's just flag football.

I mean, it's not
even a real game.

- You're right.
I shouldn't be embarrassed.

People probably won't
make a big deal about it.

Thanks, Troy.

- Hey, you're the kid with
the mom who tackled herself.

- Yeah, who taught
her how to play--a moron?

- No, it was a book--
- ACE: [laughing]

This is more embarrassing
than the time

I accidentally called my
science teacher "Mommy."

You might wanna think
about moving to Alaska.

- STUDENTS: [laughing]

- TROY: Bella? Bella?

Bella? Bella!

Are you okay?
You zoned out for a minute.

- I can't let her play.
I have to stop her.

- Who?
- My moron.

I mean...
I mean my mom.

I've gotta go!

- I've gotta remember to
stop gettin' too real.

- Hey, Sophie, thanks for
bringing these crutches.

- No problem.

My brothers can find something
else to hit each other with.

Why do you need them?

- My mom is so embarrassing.

The only way to keep her off the
field and not hurt her feelings

is to pretend I'm injured.

- Okay. So, what's
your story?

- I twisted my ankle
in the locker room.

- Which ankle?
- My right.

- That's your left and that's
why you're a terrible liar.

If you want her to believe it,

you have to give
her specific details--

like how exactly
did it happen?

Who else was there?
Paint her a picture.

- Hey, Mom, you're home.
- Honey, what happened?

Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

I just twisted my right ankle
in the locker room.

It was 3:32 p.m.
and I was walking along

and I slipped on Coach's
hot bag of mini-donuts.

There was a bear claw
and a honey bun,

ooh, and a chocolate
glazed sprinkle--

- Anyway, she went to
see the school nurse

and she says she should lay off
of it for a couple of days.

- That means I won't be able
to play in the game tomorrow.

- Oh, Honey, I know how much you
were looking forward to that.

- Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

I guess that means you won't be
able to play either, Mom.

- Well, we could have
had fun together,

but the most important thing

is that you rest it
for real football.

- Thanks, Mom.
I'm glad you understand.

- Well, tell me if you
need anything, Honey.

- Great job!
- Really?

- No. That's how you lie.

- Ha, ha, in your face.
[laughing]

- No, no, no, no, no.

In your face.
- [ball rolling]

- TROY: Every time.

- SAWYER: Wow, his uncle
sure is strong.

- What if that's not
even his uncle?

I mean, Troy is
so competitive,

I bet he'd hire
a professional athlete

to pretend to be
his uncle just to beat us.

- Troy would never do that.
He's too cheap.

But it does feel
awfully convenient.

- You know what?

If that's really
Troy's uncle,

he'll have family
photos to prove it.

- Oh.

- Hey, Uncle Milton.
- Hey.

- We were planning
a prank on Troy

and we wanted to know
if you had any,

uh, embarrassing photos.

- Yeah, and if you're in
them, too, even better.

- No, no embarrassing photos,
but I do have this picture

of Troy and me at
his 4th birthday party.

You remember 'ilton?
- Wait, what?

- Oh, you're Uncle 'ilton.

I couldn't say my
"M's" back then.

It was so cute.

- Oh, really?
Was it cute?

I'm gonna 'urder you.

- It was cute.

I'll see you guys
at the field tomorrow.

- Later 'ilton.
I love that guy.

- I can't believe you forgot
that's his real uncle.

- Hey, I was four.

I couldn't even remember
how to put on my pants.

- I wonder if it's
too late to propose a trade?

My dad for Troy's uncle.

- You'd trade away
your own father?

- To beat Troy--yes.

- What is this game
doing to you?

- I don't know.

- Hey, Bella,
what happened?

- It's nothing.
It'll be better next week.

- You're faking.
- No, I'm not.

- The subtle indentation
in your right arm

shows me your weight hasn't been
displaced on your left foot,

and that you've
actually been walking.

- Fine. You got me.

- Wait, you just
made all that up.

- Yeah, Sophie told
me she was lying,

but my version
sounded way cooler.

- I'm faking because I don't
wanna be embarrassed by my mom.

So, I took us both
out of the equation.

- Embarrassing parents.
I know what you mean.

You think I'm particular?

My dad ironed his workout shirt
three times this morning.

- Oh, man, I found a crease.

I can't wear this.
I'll look like a vagabond.

- I know it's annoying,

but I don't get to spend
a lot of time with him.

Don't worry, Dad, I have
a travel iron in my locker.

See ya.

- You think Newt's dad
is embarrassing?

Have you seen my dad's shorts?
- BELLA: No.

- How could you?
They're so tiny.

But what can you do?

It's not like you can trade
'em in for a cooler model.

He's my dad.

- You're right
and she's my mom.

- All right, Sawyer,
time to suit up.

- Forgive me for this.

[Velcro ripping]
- BELLA: Ahhhhh!

- [objects clattering]

- Oh, gee!

- I can't believe you couldn't
find the recipe anywhere.

- Trust me. I think
this'll work.

- Okay. Are you sure this is
the best way to grind the corn?

- If we wanna make
them authentic.

- Forget "authentic."

The game starts in an hour
and we haven't made any tamales.

We're using a blender.

- No, Pepper, I don't think
that's a good idea.

- [blender whirs,
liquid splats]

- I was right.

Mom, you're supposed to be
at Raffa's soccer game.

- They were losing,
so I left.

I'll stay when
they start winning.

What is this mess?

I already made
the tamales.

- SOPHIE & PEPPER:
[chattering over each other]

We're so sorry.

- We tried to make
more, but...

we couldn't find
your secret recipe.

- [laughing]

- Why is she laughing?

- That's usually what
happens before she snaps.

- You couldn't find my recipe
because there is no recipe.

I buy frozen tamales
from Cost-Low Club.

- SOPHIE & PEPPER:
Huh?

- But...but every time you
make them, it takes hours,

and your face is always
covered in cornmeal.

- Yes.

SOPHIE's MOM: I used to
make them from scratch--

before I had ten kids.

Now, I'm way too tired,
so, I send everyone away.

- [timer beeping]

- SOPHIE's MOM:
Homemade tamales are good,

free time is better.
[laughing]

- [vehicle approaching]

- Wait, this means we can
get frozen tamales

for the cheer booth.

- Mom, you're
an evil genius.

I wanna grow up
to be just like you.

- Aw...

- Bella, you shouldn't
be off your crutches.

- Mom, I'm actually fine.

I lied about
being injured

because I was embarrassed
of you playing.

I'm sorry. I can't
believe I did that.

- Honey, I know.

Your story was
a little too specific.

- It was the bear
claw, wasn't it?

- When I was your age,

I was embarrassed
of my mom all the time--

like how she always
seemed to find

the quietest moment
during my dance recitals

to do a "Woo-Wee!"

[sighing]
So I know how you feel.

I don't have to play.
- No, I don't care anymore.

You're my mom.
I want you to play.

- Woo-Wee!

[gasping] Oh, no, I have
just become my mom.

- That doesn't
sound so bad.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- [whistle shrills]

- Does anybody
have a napkin?

Oh, never mind.
[chuckling]

- TROY: What...what are
you guys doing?

- Anything we can
to stop your uncle.

- Let's play man-to-man-
to-man-to-man-to-man defense.

- Set! Hut!

- ♪

- Ooh! Ouch!

- Ow! You throw so fast.

- NEWT: What just happened?

- Man, being on a football
field is tough.

- Wait, you've never
played football before?

- Do I look like
I play football?

- Duh!
- A hundred percent.

- Oh, you mean this?

I just like to keep in
shape for my real passion--

synchronized swimming.

- I didn't invite him 'cause
he's good at football.

I invited him 'cause
he's fun to hang out with.

Plus, dude has
a super-cool job.

He spends all day fighting cyber
t*rrorists and super-hackers.

- Troy, for the last time--
I don't work for the C.I.A.

- Oh, so you really
do work at the D.M.V.?

Can I come down there
and help you pick

the least-flattering photos
for people's licenses?

- [laughing] Of course.
That's what we do!

- TROY: Awesome!

- Wow, we totally
misjudged them.

Troy cares more
about family than women.

- And that will
be his downfall.

Let's kick his butt!
- Come on now.

- Are you guys gonna
keep talking

or are we gonna go
play some football?

- That's right!

Wait till we button
hole these bozos.

- You've got it, Mom.

- I can't believe you
thought I was embarrassing.

Sawyer's dad's
wearing a Speedo.

- ♪

- Mom, get in here.
It's about to start.

- [Ace's sports show music]

- Ace McFumbles here.

It's the moment you've
all been waiting for--

the Parent & Pigskins
highlight reel.

- Hike!

- Woo!

- Wrong way, Mom!

- I'm doin' it!
I'm doin' it! I'm doin' it!

I did it! I did it!
Unh! Unh! Unh!

Wooooooo!

- BOTH: [laughing]

- I can see how that would
be a little embarrassing.

- Don't worry, Mom,
it coulda been worse.

- And now for
my favorite highlight--

- [Velcro ripping]
- BELLA: Ahhhhhhh!

- [objects clattering]

- See? Worse.

- If I were you,
I'd stay home sick tomorrow.

I'll even write
you a note.

- ♪