01x16 - Root for Newt

[bunniefuu]

- Ace McFumbles
here with sports.

The Silverado boys' soccer team
has made the playoffs

for the fourth
straight season.

Wait, we have a soccer team?

And now for some real news.

The playoffs-bound Bulldogs
football team

have lost their
kicker--Kenny Ping.

Ping was selected to play
in a youth orchestra

that's leaving on
a world tour--

which leads me to my new
segment--"Bonehead of the Week."

- [bone clanging]

- This is Ace McFumbles.

Didn't know, now you do.
You're welcome.

- This is a disaster.

We can't play without a kicker.

- I know. It's one of the most
important positions on the team.

- Who's going to kick field
goals for extra points?

- Or kickoffs?

- I just realized the kicker

does a lot more for
this team than I do.

- We could give a chance
to a lovable underdog--

a little guy no one
expects anything from,

but, if given the opportunity,
might inspire us all.

- That's it! We can teach
my family mule to kick.

[laughing]
He only has three legs.

No one would expect
anything from him.

But, my, uh, that'll be
an inspiring story.

- That's not what I...

Never mind.

- [whistle shrills]
- All right.

We need a kicker--and fast.

It's time to find out
which one of you

has the best leg on the team.

- Oh! Ow!

Troy don't kick.

- ♪

- Look at Newt. He seems like
he knows what he's doing.

- COACH: Yeah, well, kickers
are usually the smallest,

weakest, least-athletic
guys on the team.

Maybe this is his moment.

- I've got this, Coach.

- ♪

- COACH: [groaning]

Oh! Oh!
Oh, Sawyer!

- Yeah? Yeah?

- Get the mule.

And the nurse.

- ♪

- ♪ You won't find
me in the bleachers ♪

- ♪ Yeah that girl
is one of us ♪

- ♪ I'm made of spice
and sugar ♪

- ♪ She's pretty...
she's pretty tough ♪

- ♪ Then add
a little glitter ♪

- ♪ She off in
a cloud of dust ♪

- ♪ And you get...
you get... ♪

- ♪ A game changer,
play maker ♪

♪ Take the ball,
she'll see ya later ♪

- ♪ I'm on a dreamlike,
teamlike ♪

♪ Livin' like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it goin', goin',
she got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ Play like Friday night

♪ Kickin' like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it goin', goin',
she got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ One of the boys

- ♪

- How are we gonna
play without a kicker?

We won't be able to
get past the kickoff.

Curse you, Kenny Ping!

- Coach, just give Bella a shot.

She's good at stealin'
people's jobs.

What? It's a compliment.

- Well, in cheerleading, I was
a natural at high kicking.

Kind of a savant.
[laughing]

Okay.

Curse you, Kenny Ping!
[groaning]

- I believe this is yours.
- Thanks. Sorry.

Kicking a football is a lot
harder than it looks.

- Oh, really? Is it?

- Well, yeah.
It's not like you can

just come up and kick it
through your first time.

It takes timing
and precision and--

Whoa!
[laughing]

Okay, I guess it's
not that hard.

- Hey, you with
the freakishly strong leg,

do you wanna play kicker?

- No, thanks, I'm good.
- What? Why not?

- Football's not my thing.
- [laughing]

Seriously?

Football's not his thing?

This is Texas.
It is the only thing.

- Well, not to Hunter.
All he cares about is soccer.

- And bein' a jerk.
- A jerky jerk.

- What's that even mean?

- Look, Hunter was the kicker
on our youth football team,

and he was a cool dude.

Then, one day, right before
the biggest game of the season,

he left us--to join
the soccer team.

- Left us? He deserted us.

And then we got crushed because
we didn't have a kicker.

- You guys, that's too bad,
but it's in the past.

Right now, we need a kicker
and Hunter is our best option.

- Well, Bella, look, don't waste
your time, all right?

Even if you do convince him,
he'll just end up ditching us.

- We don't have much
time left.

We've gotta give it a try.
What else can we do?

- [speaking behind hand]
Give Newt another shot?

What?

- Please. No.

No.

- Nineteen. Twenty.

Come on, if Michelle Obama
can do it, you can, too.

- Have you seen the biceps
on Michelle Obama?

- She can bench press Barack.

- [whistle shrills]

- Now that's enough.
Practice is over.

But I have a homework
assignment for you.

I need you to go online

and research the cheapest


- What does that have
to do with cheerleading?

- Nothing.

But when my boyfriend left me,
he took the flat screen.

- PEPPER: We've gotta
do something.

Ever since Miss Park got dumped,
she's been a total nightmare.

- Tell me about--Ow!--it.

- As a result of
my eavesdropping,

I couldn't help but overhear
your conversation.

Have you thought of setting
Miss Park up with a new guy?

That might cheer her up.
- That's not a bad idea.

- But who? We're talking
about Miss Park.

Her only hobbies are
knitting and ping-pong.

- I know someone who's
into ping-pong

and he's as lonely
and sad as she is.

- Newt, you're far
too young for her.

- I'm talking about Coach.
- Oh.

- Oooh, Coach and Miss Park
would make a really cute couple.

- I'd totally shake them.

- Great, I'll help you guys.

I've watched a ton
of romantic comedies--

even the one where
the baker falls in love

with the wedding cake--
"Bake Me Your Wife."

It's so good.

- Uh, thanks, but we
don't need help.

- We're girls. We're born
with the romance gene.

I read that in "Teen Cosmo."

- Right. Well, when your plan
doesn't work out,

you know where to find me.

- Standing behind me listening
to my conversation?

- I just wanna be there
when you need me.

- So, Hunter, we didn't formally
meet the other day. I'm--

- Bella, the girl who
can't kick a football.

- Yeah, I was gonna
stop at "Bella,"

but, yes, that is true.

Anyway, I baked you these.

- Oh, free cookies.
My favorite kind.

- Not to brag, but they are
really, really awesome.

It's my secret ingredient--

chocolate-covered
wouldn't-you-like-to-know.

- Pretzels?

- Any who, uh, Hunter, we really
want you on the football team.

- Bella, I know how
those guys feel about me.

And the feeling's mutual.

So it's not gonna work out.

- But you took my cookies!

- No, I didn't.

- Hunter, wait.

We need you on the team.
What can I do?

How about I help you
with your homework?

I'm a really good tutor.
- I'm a really good student.

- Uh, wash your dirt bike?
- I skateboard.

- Wash your skateboard?
- Who washes a skateboard?

- Okay, okay, there must
be something.

I've got...$6 and a punch-card
from Squeezee's.

One more punch and you
get a free sundae.

- I don't like ice cream.

- What? Everybody
likes ice cream.

Now you're just
being difficult.

- You're right.
I love ice cream.

If you seriously want
me to be your kicker,

how about you give us
your practice field for a week.

- The football field?
- Yeah.

The soccer team has to use
the overflow parking lot.

- The one that's full
of rocks and scorpions?

- I've been stung twice.

- Yikes!

That's horrible,
but I don't know

if I can just give
you our field.

- It's not my problem.

Figure it out, quarterback.

- [mimicking]
"Figure it out, quarterback."

- Want these?
They're not very good.

- Oh.

- It's been rough
since Hubert left me.

That's why I've been making
you girls practice so hard.

You know, to get
our minds off of him.

- But our minds aren't
on him--yours is.

- Don't talk back, girl.

- I can't take much
more of this.

- Don't worry. There's Coach.

Let's hope he likes ping-pong
as much as Newt said he does.

- All right.

- We were gonna play
some ping-pong.

Do you wanna play?
- That might cheer me up.

[laughing]
Ping-pong is my jam!

- We had no idea.

- Oh, too bad.
We only have three players.

Unless...

Coach, what are you
doing in the gym?

- I'm a gym teacher?

- Do you wanna play some
ping-pong with us?

Well, I don't know
if that would be fair.

Back in 1983, I was
a nationally-ranked junior.

Oh, wow, nice paddle, Wanda.

- Oh, thanks. It's autographed
by Jan Sorensen.

- Jan the Man?
[laughing]

He's my favorite player.
- Yeah!

- Give it here.
- [laughing]

- This is gonna be so easy.

- [paddles clap]

- Oh! Nationally-ranked?

More like nationally-stanked.

- Well, if you'd just set me up,
we could crush these kids.

All you have to do is...

- This is just angry
flirting, right?

- Let's hope so.

- [paddle swats]
- COACH: Ow!

My shoulder!
- That was my ball!

Just walk it off, Phil.

- That's a good idea.

You should take
a walk on the beach.

At sunset. Together.

- I'm good.

- I'll see you tomorrow
at practice.

And bring an extra towel 'cause
y'all gonna sweat it out.

- ♪

- Sharing the field
with the soccer team?

That makes about as much
sense as trying to make

a turkey and a pig fall in love
to get turkey bacon.

- But you tried it anyway.

- Yes. Yes, I did.

- See, Hunter is
our turkey bacon.

I admit he's not exactly
my favorite person.

But he's still the best
kicker in the school.

So, if we wanna win
our playoff game,

we're gonna have to put
aside our feelings

and make this
field share work.

- [groaning] Whatever.
- Fine.

- Oh, this stinks.
- That's the spirit!

Now listen, y'all,
it wasn't easy

getting the principal
to agree to this.

It required some sweet talk

and some of my famous
homemade cookies.

- Hey, Bella.
Do you want these?

They're not that good.

- Hey, I didn't think you
could pull this off,

but this is pretty cool.

Maybe I underestimated you.

- Yeah, so that means
you're gonna keep up

your end of
the bargain, right?

- It's looking good...
so far.

- [whistle shrills]

- X vertical,
on two, on two.

Ready?
- BULLDOGS: Break!

- Hey, whoa! Watch where you're
kickin', knee socks!

- Sawyer, not cool, dude.

- But, Bella, you said
we wouldn't even notice them.

Meanwhile, soccer ba*ls

are flying in here
every two seconds.

- What ba*ls?

- Set. Silver 19!

Hut! Hut!

- [heavy thud]

- Hey, man, did you
not see me coming?

- Hey, you're on our
side of the field.

- Dude, let it go.

- I'm sorry, Hunter,
but we can figure this ou--

- Wait! You're
apologizing to them?

I'm the one who just
got injured, Bella.

- Injured? Hey, crybaby,
you're wearing pads.

But maybe you should
be wearing a diaper.

- Oh, no, he didn't!
- ALL: [angry shouting]

- [whistle shrills]

- What's going on here?

- Don't worry, I've got
it all under control.

- I shouldn't have
agreed to this.

The soccer team
is gonna have to leave.

- Fine, we'll go back
to our crummy field.

- Yeah, actually, we gave
that to the marching band,

so they could practice
for the football game.

- Well, where are
we supposed to go?

- Well, one of you must
have a big backyard.

- Mr. Davis,
that's not what we--

- Bella, it's cool.
Keep your field.

And good luck
finding a kicker.

I'm out.
- But, Hunter, you said if--

- Don't waste your breath.
- Yeah.

Once a deserter,
always a deserter.

- Great, we have a playoff
game coming up

and we still don't
have a kicker.

- I know. Well, maybe
these will cheer us up.

They're not that good.

- Hey, Hunter, wait a sec.
- What?

- I put a lot of work into
sharing this field

and you're just
gonna walk away?

Then again, I guess
that's what you do.

- What are you talking about?

- Yeah, I heard about you.

Back in the 6th grade,
you bailed on the guys

right before the big game.

They lost because
they didn't have a kicker.

- I didn't bail on the guys.

I had to leave for
soccer camp that day.

It was a huge opportunity.

And my mom saved up all
her money to send me there.

I was just trying
to follow my dream.

But I guess you wouldn't know
anything about that, huh?

Quarterback.

- I just got served.

- ♪

- And his mom saved all her
money to send him away to camp

because being a soccer player
has always been his dream.

- Oh.
- Wow.

- We stink.

- All this time,
we've been the jerky jerks.

- Inside, I knew it.

- He's never gonna
kick for us now.

- I wouldn't if I were him.

- I think there's still
a way to get him to kick.

- Well, I think we're way
past apologies, Bella.

- Well, there are two things
that I refuse to do--

give up on Hunter
being our kicker

and admit my cookies are bad.

They're not that good.

- So, what do we do?
- So, I've been thinking.

I'm pretty sure
I have a plan.

The soccer team doesn't
get any respect.

If we fix that, maybe
we can change Hunter's mind.

Step 1: We go to Ace.

Step 2: We make him
do a special broadcast.

Step 3--
- Uh, Bella?

How many steps are there?
- Twenty-seven.

- Let's just go
to Ace instead.

- Where are you guys going?
- Bella has a 27-step plan.

- Oh, less than usual.
Have fun.

- Oh, you're not getting
out that easy.

I'm looking at
Steps 14 and 19,

so don't put your
phones on silent.

- Yay!

Friendship!

- I'll catch up with
you guys later.

So, ladies, how'd
your fix-up go?

- Terrible. Miss Park
and Coach did not hit it off.

- I hate to say,
I told you so.

- No, you don't.
You love it.

- You're right. I do.

But I'll still help
you guys, if you want.

- It's hopeless--
there's no other single man

to fix her up with
within a five mile radius.

- I still think we can
make it work with Coach.

We just need to come at it
from a different angle.

You know--women like
to be saved.

At least, that's what I learned
from the romantic comedy

"Women Like To Be Saved."
- Save her?

Coach doesn't really strike
me as the heroic type.

- Well, he can be.

We just need to find out what
Miss Park is most afraid of

and use it to emotionally
manipulate her.

- Hm, I've gotta admit I kinda
like this side of you.

- [chuckles]
Oh, do you?

I just ruined it, didn't I?
- Pretty much.

- ♪

- Day three of the Silverado
kicker crisis

and tensions are high.

As the playoffs approach

and the kickerless Bulldogs
face certain defeat,

everyone's looking for answers.

Fortunately, quarterback
Bella Dawson is here

to shed light on the subject.

Our first question comes
from our elderly,

mild-mannered librarian,
Miss Thornbury.

She writes, ahem...

[elderly person's voice]
Ace, I'm a big fan of your show.

[Ace's voice]
Oh, thank you.

[elderly person's voice]
And a question for Bella.

What the heck are you guys
doing about this?!

[Ace's voice]
Thoughts?

- Actually, I didn't come
here to talk football.

Instead, I want to
focus on something

that gets very little
attention at our school--

the Silverado West
soccer team.

- [laughing]
What?

Oh, you're serious.

- Yes, our soccer
team is awesome.

- I cover sports, not soccer.

- Then we're done here.

- Let's talk soccer.

- Well, there's no team

that plays it better
than Silverado West.

That's why the football team
is involved in a campaign

to raise soccer awareness.

- Come watch the Bulldogs
soccer team this Saturday

as they kick some butt
and win their...

third straight championship?

And you should care
about soccer, too,

because, even though
we all love football,

Yeah! You should all open your
hearts and your minds and...

give something else a chance.

- [gasping for air]
Next time...less...words.

- Are you okay?
- I'm okay.

- BELLA: Other football players
have come up with

some very creative ways to
advertise the soccer team.

- [thudding into doors]

[thudding]

- BELLA: And, finally,
star wide receiver Troy Dixon

is giving his world class hands
to clean and organize

people's lockers
if they pledge to be at

the soccer game this Saturday.

- [gagging]

Oh!

- Football has been in
the spotlight for so long.

Now it's time to show our soccer
team some love, too.

So, please come out and support

our Bulldog soccer
team this Saturday.

Okay, Ace, you can
ask me about football now.

- [snoring]
- Ace?

Ace!
- [gasping] What?

Oh, I just had a nightmare

that we did a whole
segment about soccer.

[shuddering]

- And 100!

- [gasping]
Newt's plan better work.

- Last night I was too
tired to even shower.

- I hardly noticed.
[eyes blinking]

- A spider! A spider!

- Oh! I don't do spiders!

- Yeah, what is it, Newt?

- I heard there was
an emergency in here.

- There's a spider!
You have to save us!

- What?

This little fella?

Oh, come on now.

He's harmless.

- Isn't Coach brave?

Miss Park, fear not.

Your knight in shining
armor is here.

- Oh, I'll just take
this guy outside.

See? Totally--Oh!
- [swats at spider]

- [heavy thud]
- Ow! Oh!

- Did I get it?

- COACH: [groaning]

- ♪

- We're the worst
matchmakers ever.

- I don't know
what went wrong.

It should have worked.

By now, they should be
flirting and laughing.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- Followed by a cute phone
swap to exchange numbers.

Then they'd seal it with
an affectionate fist bump.

I guess I was wrong.

- Girls, practice is cancelled.

I have a date with that
fine piece of man-nurse.

- NEWT: Or was I?

Just like I planned.
- That wasn't your plan.

- Love never follows a plan.

- ♪

- BELLA: How could
this happen?

We tried everything and the
stands are barely half full.

- Troy, you should have
cleaned out more lockers.

- Well, I would have, but I had
to clean up all that vomit.

- Somebody puked in a locker?

- Yeah, man, I did.

- Well, at least I found out
what vuvuzela means--

popcorn holder in Swahili.

- Hey, quarterback?
You did--

- I'm so sorry.

We really wanted to get
more people out here

to support you guys.

- Are you kidding?

This is twice as many people
as we usually get.

Even the principal is here.

- [blowing vuvuzela]

Let's kick some soccer butts!

Oh, I said "butt."
Go, team!

- Wait, you're saying
this is good?

- It's not good, it's great.

So, I'll see you next Friday.

- Friday? What's Friday?

- Your game. I'm kicking
for you, aren't I?

- Wait. You are?

- Unless you prefer
the three-legged mule.

- No! Thank you!
This is awesome!

Guys, Hunter's gonna
kick for us.

- Yeah, we know.

We're right here.

- You know, we never would have
gotten all these people here

if it wasn't for these guys.

- Listen, man,
about what we did...

We were--
- No, man.

The thing is I was kinda--
- Yeah, but we never shoulda--

- Yeah, but I also didn't--

- So, pizza later?
- Cool.

- So, how'd it go?

- I think they apologized.

- Did they end with "pizza"?

- Yeah.
- They're good.

- Even better, Hunter's
gonna kick for us.

- Oh, that's cool!
- That's awesome!

- By the way,
he's kinda cute.

- Ya think?

- SPECTATORS/CHEERLEADERS:
[cheering]

- [whistle shrills]

- Ace McFumbles here
with a soccer update.

I'll admit I only
attended the game

because Troy fished that wet
sandwich outta my locker.

Oh...

But once I got there, I found
out soccer's totally amazing.

Let me break down
the beautiful game for you.

So, there are two teams
of 11, one ball.

And here's the crazy part--

they can't use their hands!

I know, right?

Chauncy, don't you find
this fascinating?

- Ace, I'm on the soccer team.

I've been asking you to come to
my games for the last two years.

- How many times have
I told you--

we're not friends
outside of school.

- Oh, it's gonna be like that!

Well, I'm taking my camera.
- [loud thud]

- ACE: Well, at least I still
have your sound--

- [sound cuts out]

- ♪