02x13 - And Who's Been Sleeping in My...?

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- Helen.

Where are you, Helen?

Helen. - Here.

[Stanley gasps] [audience laughs]

- You scared the life out of me.

Why aren't you upstairs in bed?

- My neck was hurting again, I couldn't sleep.

- Me neither,

with you walking around like the Bride of Frankenstein.

[audience laughs]

- Stanley, I was thinking.

- At five o'clock in the morning?

- That's the best time to think.

- It's a better time to sleep, come on.

- No, no, I don't feel like it.

Oh, Stanley, I was just lying there in bed.

It was frightening.

- I know, I've seen you. [audience laughs]

- All I could think of was,

is this all there is?

- Huh?

- I mean, there has to be more in life than just sleeping

and eating and watching television, doesn't it?

- Why? [audience laughs]

- Why?

Why? Oh!

Sometimes I wonder how we ever got together.

Why did you marry me, Stanley?

- It was a long time ago, Helen.

[audience laughs]

- No, I wanna know.

- Can't we let bygones be bygones?

- Stanley.

- Forgive and forget, that's my motto.

[audience laughs]

Come on, let's go to sleep.

- No, not until you tell me why you married me.

- I married you because. [audience laughs]

Because I thought you were the most beautiful girl

in the world.

- Oh, Stanley, you didn't?

- And I did then. [audience laughs]

Come on, Helen, why are you talking like this?

- I wanna know.

What's it all about?

- What's what all about?

- Life, Stanley, life.

What's life all about?

- Life?

Life, uh, life is about... [audience laughs]

Give me your hand.

Now let's go to bed. [audience laughs]

- Ooh, my neck!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- Wait, let me get the heating pad.

It'll make your neck feel better.

Where is it?

- Oh, I don't think we unpacked it.

It's probably still up in the storage room.

- I'll look for it later, but just sit still,

I'll get you a nice hot cup of coffee.

- Okay.

- And I'll get you the morning paper.

And while you're reading that

you don't have to think about anything.

- All right, thank you, Stanley, oh!

Watch out for David's skateboard!

[Stanley thuds] [audience laughs]

- Ow, ow, ow.

Oh, oh, oh.

Couldn't you have warned me before I got outside?

[Helen gasps]

- Oh, look, it's happened again.

Another nice note, and another little rose.

- Let me see.

- Every morning now for two weeks.

A nice little thank you note and a little fresh rosebud.

Oh, I wonder what it means.

- It means there are a lot of sick people out there.

[audience laughs]

- Could just be someone trying to be friendly.

- Or it could be some guy trying to make time with you.

- You think so? [audience laughs]

- Well like I said,

there are a lot of sick people out there.

[audience laughs]

- I will be calm.

I will be calm.

I will be calm.

- Jeffrey, what is it?

- Someone is stealing my roses.

[audience laughs]

- Jeffrey, who'd do a thing like that?

- I do not know, but I intend to find out.

Hello, police, I Would like to report a robbery.

- Jeffrey. - Shh.

That's right, officer, sometime last night.

And unless I miss my guess,

the thief will strike again tonight.

What's he taken?

[audience laughs]

Roses. [audience laughs]

Roses.

That's right, flowers.

From my garden.

And if you wanna catch the blaggard, hello?

[audience laughs]

Hello?

They hung up.

- Maybe they have to keep the lines open for emergencies.

- And while they're sitting around waiting for an emergency

the rose thief is stalking the city.

Stalking the city.

That, that, that, that's not bad.

You see, stalking. - Coffee's getting cold.

[audience laughs]

- David, did you see any suspicious characters

hanging around?

- No.

- Oh, David was telling me how interesting

yesterday was at school.

- Really?

You wanna tell me about it, son?

- I was learning about sex.

- Oh, that is very interesting.

[spoon clatters] [audience laughs]

You what?

- We were talking about how babies were made.

- Anne, I had no idea they taught sex education

at David's school.

I wish I had been told.

- Oh, Jeffrey, they wouldn't let you in the classroom.

[audience laughs]

- It wasn't in the classroom, it was on the playground.

[audience laughs]

- The playground?

- I think it's time you told David about the facts of life.

- Yes, yes, yes.

And the sooner, the better.

Now sit down, David.

[audience laughs]

I recall being somewhat older than David

when my father had this kind of talk with me.

- That's true.

We were getting married the very next day.

[audience laughs]

- Now where to begin?

Where to begin?

Ah, yes, first of all, David,

little boys are different from little girls.

- I think he picked up on that already.

- Anne, please, you're not making any of this easier.

- Jeffrey, you know, you can buy a very good book,

with pictures.

- Pictures?

- So you can do the job right.

[Jeffrey laughs]

- Do you honestly think that I have to depend

upon a book to communicate to my son

something as important as the mystery of life itself?

- What are you gonna tell him?

- The truth.

Now, come here, fella.

Now, David, what do you wanna know?

- Where did I come from?

- San Diego. [audience laughs]

- Jeffrey.

- Well it's the truth.

- It's not the whole truth.

- I'll tell him the rest later.

- Later?

- After I've bought the book.

[audience laughs]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- Helen.

Helen.

Helen.

- Oh, Stanley, did you find the heating patch?

- Shh, shh!

Look at this.

[audience gasps]

- Who is she? - I dunno.

- Where did she come from?

- How do I know?

- Hi.

- Hi.

That's all you're gonna say is hi?

- How about goodbye?

[audience laughs]

- No you're not.

[audience laughs]

- You'd rather I stay?

- I'd rather see what you got in that bag.

- It's personal belongings.

- Yeah, but whose? [audience laughs]

I bet she's got all our silver in there.

- We don't have any silver. [audience laughs]

- You get a lot of money for stainless steel these days.

[audience laughs]

- How'd you get up here?

- Yeah, yeah.

You know, I checked every lock and every door personally.

- You left the window open. [audience laughs]

- You left the window opened last night?

- He leaves it open every night.

- Every night?

How many nights have you been up here?

- Two weeks.

You mean you've been sleeping here for the last two weeks?

- And you thought we had mice.

[audience laughs]

- What's your name?

- Jenny, Jenny Ballinger.

- Hi, I'm Helen Roper.

- I know.

- You know?

Oh, well, yeah, I guess you would.

- She's been up here casing the whole neighborhood.

- And this is my husband, Kojak.

[audience laughs]

- You forget 'm the one who found her.

- Only because I sent you up here

to find the heating pad for my neck.

- What's wrong with your neck?

- Oh, I don't know, it's a pinched nerve or something.

- Really?

Sit down.

Here, hold this. [audience laughs]

Now you just relax.

Let's try a little acupressure here.

- Oh, that's it right there!

- I know.

- Now what I want to know is,

what is a nice girl like you doing sleeping on our floor?

- Because I didn't have a place of my own anymore.

- Why?

- 'Cause I wouldn't let my landlord fix my bathtub.

- Why not?

- I was in it at the time. [audience laughs]

So he evicted me.

- That's terrible.

- It's not so bad.

Except, then I couldn't find a place I could afford.

- Until you found our open window.

- Right.

So when I finish my paper route,

I park my car around the corner

and I climbed up your trellis, and here I am.

- Now wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're our paper boy?

- Good Lord, his eyes are going too.

[audience laughs]

- You're the one who's been leaving

all those thank you notes?

- Oh, and all those lovely roses.

Ooh!

- What's the matter?

- The pain, it's all gone.

- What'd you do to her?

- It's very simple,

pressure applied to certain parts of the body

wakes up the muscles, puts new life into the system.

- Do you have time to work on my husband?

[audience laughs]

- I'd like to, but I got classes.

- Oh, hey, do you go to school?

- Yes, art school.

- Oh.

Stanley!

- Hey, what are you doing?

- I wanna see if there's anything in here

that belongs to me. [audience laughs]

- I don't think it's your size.

[audience laughs]

I better be going.

- Oh, hey, wait a minute.

Where are you gonna stay?

- Don't worry about it.

- No, wait.

I will worry unless I know you have a place to stay.

So why didn't you just stay here tonight?

- Have you gone nuts? [audience laughs]

- Jenny, the bathroom is the second door on the right.

Now would you be a good girl and go down there

and freshen up while I take care of Stanley steamer here?

[audience laughs] - Thanks.

- I don't want her staying here one more night.

We're lucky we weren't found dead in our bed.

- Yeah, from boredom. [audience laughs]

- She could be a dope fiend.

- A what?

- You know, one of those kids taking PPP.

[audience laughs]

- That's PCP!

- Well, whatever, I don't want her here.

- Oh, Stanley, come on!

I mean, what is life for?

- Oh, don't start that again.

- What are we here for?

What is the purpose of our existence?

- Okay.

- Why, why were we- - Okay, okay!

She can stay here tonight.

[audience laughs]

But tomorrow out she goes.

[audience applauds]

- Do your parents know how you're living?

- Mrs. Roper, I've been on own now for three years,

and I like it that way.

And I guess they do too.

- They do?

- Sure.

I mean, they got more important things on their minds.

Like, my dad he's up north someplace trying to find himself.

[audience laughs]

- And your mother?

- I haven't seen her in years.

One day she baked the tray of cookies and just took off.

- Why?

- I dunno.

Cookies weren't that bad. [audience laughs]

- Must have been a blow when she left like that,

to be all alone.

- Not really.

She makes friends easily. [audience laughs]

- So how did she get into your storeroom?

- Mrs. Roper left the window open.

[audience laughs]

You wanna go to the market with me?

- No thanks.

I'm waiting for daddy.

He's bringing a book home about sex.

[audience laughs] - What?

- With pictures. [audience laughs]

- Really?

- My mommy said it will help him do the job right.

[audience laughs]

- What?

- Hello, David.

- Hi, dad.

- I hope he hasn't been bothering you.

- Oh, we've been having a nice chat.

- I was talking to David. [audience laughs]

Come on, son.

- Hope you enjoy your book.

[audience laughs]

- What were you and Mr. Roper talking about?

- Sex. [audience laughs]

- David!

- Did Mr. Roper say anything interesting?

- Anne. [audience laughs]

- He told me what happened

when he and Mrs. Robinson went upstairs.

[audience laughs]

- He did what?

- They had a girl on the floor of their storeroom.

[audience laughing]

- You want the last donut?

- No. - Okay.

So you never had any kids?

- No. - Me neither.

[audience laughs]

- Jenny!

- I mean, I don't think I'd want any either.

- Oh, oh.

Well sometimes I think it would have been nice.

- Nah, kids going to be a pain.

Take me for instance.

- Yeah, you, what about you?

- Oh, I'm a pain.

I mean, I'm always yelling about being independent

and on my own and everything,

but then I get mad 'cause there's no one around

to give me a hug when I'm really feeling low.

- Well everybody needs a hug now and then.

- Nah, I'm a nerd.

- A nerd?

What's a nerd?

- You don't know what a, how old are you anyway?

- Old enough to be your mother.

[phone ringing]

Of course, I was a child bride.

[audience laughs]

Hello?

Oh, Stanley, where are you?

- I'm in the shopping center parking lot.

My car won't start.

- So what else is new?

Did you call the tow truck?

- Tow truck?

Why don't I just call a mugger and hand him my wallet?

[audience laughs]

You gotta come down here and get me.

- How?

- Ask that girl to drive you.

- Jenny, oh, that's a good idea.

- Right, and she can keep right on driving.

- Nerd. [audience laughs]

- I think it's the valves.



- Can I take a look at it?

- You, what are you gonna do?

Tie it together with your suspenders?

[audience laughs]

I'll have Joey look at it tomorrow.

Maybe he could do something.

- Yeah, he can haul out the way to the nearest dump.

[audience laughs]

- Hey, don't make it worse.

- That's impossible, Stanley.

- Hey, be careful, you'll dent it.

[audience laughs]

- Wanna try it now?

- Are you kidding?

It's gonna take more than a little puttering around

with your nail file.

[engine revs]

- It was the carburetor.

- Oh yeah?

Well, I was gonna look at that next.

Come on.

- I'll ride home with Jenny.

- Ah, maybe you oughta go along with Mr. Roper.

I'll just take off now.

- Well aren't you gonna come back and have some brunch?

- What about Mr. Roper?

- He can have some too. [audience laughs]

[door slams]

[audience laughs]

[car backfires]

Well, did you enjoy brunch, Stanley?

- Never ate so fast in my life.

- Don't you like Jenny?

- She clears a table like a vacuum cleaner.

[audience laughs]

- Well you see you two have a lot in common doing.

[audience laughs]

- Where is she now?

- Doing the dishes.

- You better count them when she's finished.

[audience laughs]

- You know, Stanley,

you know what I was thinking?

- Yes and the answer's no.

[audience laughs]

You'd like her to stay one more night wouldn't you, right?

- Wrong.

I'd like her to stay as long as she wants to stay.

[doorbell rings]

- What?

You know, you and my car have a lot in common.

You both firing on half your cylinders.

[audience laughs]

- Roper, I'd like to have a word with you.

- Okay, how about this one?

Goodbye. [door slams]

[audience applauds]

- Stanley! [scoffs]

Oh, Mr. Brookes, I'm so sorry.

What did you want to see us about?

- I want you to get rid of that female rose thief.

[door slams] [audience laughs]

- Helen, give him a chance, will ya?

[audience laughs]

- Are we through playing games here?

[audience laughs]

Young lady, I think you should hear this too.

Good Lord, she's wearing suspenders.

[audience laughs]

- What do you have in mind, Brookes?

- I think you should bear in mind

that the tenants of Royal Dale Townhouses

are reputable people.

- Well Stanley and I- - Are exceptions.

[audience laughs]

Are you gonna send her pecking or not?

- That's for me to decide and you to find out.

- But she's riff raff!

- Don't you dare!

How could you talk that way in front of Jenny?

Jenny?

Oh, her bag was right there.

Jenny!

Oh, Stanley, she's gone!

- And good riddance.

- Now look what you've done.

You made her feel unwanted and now she's gone.

- Me?

I wanted her to stay.

- Oh, no, you did not.

- Yeah, Brookes just helped me decide.

I mean, there's a lot of great things that Jenny did.

She fixed your neck, fixed my car.

She ruined Brookes' rosebush.

[audience laughs]

- You really wanted her to stay?

- Cross my heart.

I was gonna tell her tonight

she can stay as long as she wants.

- I accept.

Thank you!

- What? [audience laughs]

Oh, my neck.

- Oh, Jenny. [laughs]

We thought you were gone.

- I had to get my toothbrush first.

- Oh, my neck.

- You see, Jenny, we need you.

- Well I wouldn't want to walk out on one of my patients.

Sit down, Mr. Roper. [audience laughs]

[Helen screams happily]

[audience applauds]

[upbeat music]