01x03 - Your Money or Your Life

[bunniefuu]

["The Ropers" by Joe Raposo]

- I just can't believe that my husband,

[people chattering] my Theodore is gone.

- Oh, I know, I know.

- I want to thank you for inviting everybody here

after the funeral.

- My pleasure. [audience laughing]

Well, after all, you are Stanley's aunt

and it's the least I can do for the family.

- That's true. [audience laughing]

- Kate, dear, have a sandwich.

You need to keep up your strength.

- Oh, I'm not hungry.

I had the driver stop on the way to the cemetery

for a pizza. [audience laughing]

- How are you holding up, Kate?

- Oh, I'm just fine.

Wasn't it a beautiful funeral? - Oh yeah.

- Theodore would have loved it if he could have been there.

[audience laughing]

- He was there. [audience laughing]

- Your poor Uncle Theodore, always on the go,

always had his hands full.

- I'm sure he did. [audience laughing]

- Stanley, you embarrassed me so at the funeral.

- I couldn't help dropping a wreath.

- Well, you didn't have to run after it!

[audience laughing]

Especially since you were one of the pallbearers.

[audience laughing]

- Well, there were five others.

They were all taller than me.

They didn't even notice I was gone.

[audience laughing]

- Kate seems to be taking her loss very well.

- Oh yes, she is, Uncle Bert.

- If you want my opinion,

I think it was Kate that finished him off.

[audience laughing]

- What?

- She was too demanding, physically,

if you know what I mean?

- Oh, I do. [audience laughing]

- You don't have to worry, Stanley,

you'll live to be a hundred. [audience laughing]

- Helen, I had no idea funerals were so expensive.

- Oh, I know.

- Does Stanley have enough coverage?

- I don't know.

- Helen, it's for your own protection!

If I were you, I'd make sure

that Stanley had plenty of coverage.

If life has to go on, let it go on well.

[audience laughing]

[car engine rumbling]

[audience laughing]

[hand thuds]

[parking brake clicks]

[door slamming]

[audience laughing]

- Two plus one equals? - Three!

- Very good!

[doorknob clicks]

[door slamming] - I had to double park

in front of my own house.

- Jeffrey, try to be a little understanding.

There's been a funeral!

- Mr. Roper's? [audience laughing]

- No, a relative's.

- That's too bad. [audience laughing]

- What's a funeral?

- I'll explain that to you when you're a little older.

- Why, does it have something to do with sex?

[audience laughing]

- No, no, [chuckles] absolutely not!

- Then why can't you tell me?

- Ah, [sighs] all right.

A funeral is when a bunch of people

take up all your parking spaces

to say goodbye to somebody who's dead.

[audience chuckling] - What's dead?

- Well, dead, dead, is um, uh,

it's, uh, uh, ah! [hands rubbing]

About time for dinner, isn't it, Anne?

- No. [audience laughing]

- Thank you. [audience laughing]

All right, well, uh, [hand tapping]

dead is, uh, it's when an angel all in white

with big beautiful wings flies down

and takes you back up to heaven.

- What's heaven? [audience laughing]

- Ah, huh. [audience laughing]

Well, heaven is a wonderful place up in the clouds!

- What's wonderful about it?

- Oh, because in heaven you can have all the toys you like,

and you can eat all the candy you want,

and, and you never get sick!

- Can I be dead and go to heaven?

[audience laughing]

- No.

- Why not, it sounds like fun!

[audience laughing] - I know, it, uh,

it, uh, um, Anne?

- David, you know how at the end of the day you feel tired

and it's time to go to sleep?

- Yes. - Well, it doesn't happen

for a long, long time but people grow old and they get tired

and then it's time for them to die.

- That makes sense. [audience laughing]

- Anybody could explain it like that.

[audience laughing]

- Oh Stanley, you just don't know how to talk to people.

- What now?

- The way you said goodbye to your Aunt Kate!

"It's been very nice,

"let's do it again soon." [audience laughing]

- Oh, I don't like sad things like funerals,

or weddings. [audience laughing]

I need a drink.

- Stanley, are you insured?

- Why, I'm only having a small one.

[audience laughing]

- I'm serious. [doorbell ringing]

I, suppose you got hit by a bus!

- They don't run through here.

[audience laughing]

- How do you do, I'm Bill Marsh from Eternal Peace?

- Oh, the mortuary? - Yes!

- Oh, won't you come in. - Thank you.

I'm here to see Mrs. Kate Morgan.

- Oh, oh I'm terribly sorry.

I'm afraid she's gone.

- So soon after her husband? [audience laughing]

- No, I mean, she, uh-

- Oh, oh, that gone. - She was-

[audience laughing] [Bill and Helen laughing]

- Well, I just dropped by to give her the guest book

and the sympathy cards.

I've already mailed the bill.

[audience laughing]

- I'll see that she gets them.

Uh, would you, would you like

a cup of coffee or something?

- Oh, no, no, I've got to get back.

There's some customers waiting.

- Ah. - Don't you worry,

they're not gonna run away.

[audience laughing]

- It was a lovely funeral, Mr. Marsh.

- Oh, I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

[audience laughing]

You know, most people think a funeral just happens.

A couple of cars, a hearse, a hole in the ground,

and that's it! [audience laughing]

But you've got no idea how much work is involved.

- Oh, I'm sure.

Mr. Marsh, how much does a funeral like that cost?

- Well- - Can't you wait?

I'm not dead yet. [audience laughing]

- Oh, is this the loved one?

- Not if he doesn't get insurance.

[audience laughing]

- Well, when you're ready, I hope you'll think of us.

- Oh, I will! [chuckles]

- Goodbye, now, oh! - Oh, Anne, oh, oh,

that looks so good! - Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Roper, I'm sorry about your uncle.

I brought you this cake.

- Oh, thank you very much.

I'll put it in the fridge.

- Oh, that's so sweet of you, Anne.

- Well, if there's anything else I can do,

you just let me know.

- Oh, I will, oh, hey, wait a minute.

Didn't you once tell me that your husband

also sells life insurance?

- Yes, he does!

- Well, would it be okay if Stanley and I come over

and talk to him?

- Oh, of course, he'd love to talk to you.

But right now he's outside in the hot tub.

- Do you know, we've lived here almost a month

and we haven't even been to the swimming pool,

much less the hot tub.

- Oh, well, you ought to try it, it's fun!

- Yeah? - Yeah. [chuckles]

It always turns Jeffrey on. [audience laughing]

- It does? [audience laughing]

Oh, hello, Mr. Brookes! [audience laughing]

May we join you?

Mr. Brookes? [audience laughing]

- Oh, hi! [Helen laughing]

- Is it okay if we join you?

- Well, uh, actually, I was just starting my meditation

and my teacher wants me to be alone.

- We understand, come on, Helen, let's go.

- Uh, we wanted to talk to you

about buying some life insurance.

- However, there's nothing like group meditation.

Come on in, come on in. [audience laughing]

- Oh! [chuckles]

Ooh! [laughing] - Careful, careful!

There you go! - Ooh!

- Ah, ha, ha, hot! [audience laughing]

- A little heat'll do you good,

get in, Stanley. [audience laughing]

[foot plops]

- Ooh! [audience laughing]

Ah, it's hot,

hot. - Now, uh, let's get

right down to basics.

He should be insured for his full value as a husband.

[audience laughing]

- As little as that? [audience laughing]

- That's good, that's good.

Well, um, how about, uh, $50,000?

- Forget it!

[footsteps thudding]

[audience laughing] - Hi, Mr. Brookes!

- Oh, hello, girls.

Linda, Marilyn, say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Roper.

- Hello! - Hi!

- Let's not be so formal.

I'm Stanley.

She's Mrs. Roper. [audience laughing]

- Hi, we're

the Graham sisters. [Marilyn giggling]

- Couple of cookies, huh? [audience laughing]

- Is the water hot?

- No, it's perfect, it's just right, come on.

- Oh, okay. - Okay.

- Oh, it's fine. - Ooh, oh,

ooh! - Don't you just love

the hot tub? - I may never get out!

[audience laughing]

- Easy, Stanley, you'll bring the water

to a boil. [audience laughing]

- Now, uh, getting back to insurance, Roper.

- Somebody's tickling my feet! [chuckles]

- Oops, ooh, I'm sorry, I thought it was wife!

[Marilyn and Stanley laughing] [audience laughing]

- You may need insurance sooner

than you think. [audience laughing]

- What business are you in, Mr. Roper?

- Oh, I'm sort of retired.

- Oh! - [gasps] Really!

You don't look that old.

- Oh, I'm not, I'm not.

I, I just made a k*lling, that's all.

- In what? - Fertilizer.

[audience laughing]

- Yuck!

- Well, she's just kidding.

I, actually, I, I, I sold a, a very high price

piece of property. - Oh, well then

you can easily afford a $50,000 policy!

- Of course he can!

- Of course I can! [laughs] [Linda and Marilyn laughing]

Wait a minute, [audience laughing]

can we talk about this some other time?

- Oh, what's the matter, Roper,

you afraid you can't pass the physical?

- What are you talking about?

I'm in perfect shape from head to toe, right, Helen?

- I don't remember. [audience laughing]

- Well, I am, I am. - Well, good!

It's all settled, $50,000.

All you have to do now is give me the first check

for the premium.

[Marilyn and Linda giggling]

- Helen, go get him a check, I'll wait here.

[audience laughing]

- Someone's tickling my feet again!

- Ooh! [audience laughing]

- We'll both get the check, Stanley, come on!

[water sploshing]

- Bye, Stanley!

- Bye, Stanley!

- Aww, he's so cute!

[audience applauding]

- Good morning! [door latches]

I'm Dr. Young.

- Oh my god. [audience laughing]

- He did the same thing

on our wedding night. [audience laughing]

Good luck.

- All right, Mr. Roper, everything off!

[door latches]

- [Stanley] Everything?

- Even your garters. [audience laughing]

- [Stanley] You, uh, you women doctors,

uh, to you, I'm not really a man, am I?

- Well, I don't know, I haven't seen you yet.

[audience laughing]

Ready or not, here I come!

[curtains sliding]

[audience laughing]

You smoke? - No, thanks.

[audience laughing]

- Breathe in and out, please.

[Stanley slowly inhaling and exhaling]

I said breathe,

Mr. Roper. - I am,

I am! [audience laughing]

Tell me, what's wrong?

- Just relax.

- Oh, by the way, doctor,

I, ah, I really enjoyed "Roots."

[audience laughing]

- Really!

- You really went through a lot when you first came here.

[audience laughing]

- UCLA wasn't so bad.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Let's check the heart.

- Oh, the heart's in good shape.

It pumps like clockwork. - Mm-hmm.

- It is pumping, isn't it? [audience laughing]

- We'll let you know. [audience laughing]

[Dr. Young sighs]

- Well, when are you gonna let me know

about the results of the exam?

- Well, they'll notify your insurance agent within two days.

- Are you're all finished with me then?

- Not yet, Mr. Roper. [audience laughing]

- Ring, come on, ring!

- Relax, Stanley.

- How can I relax?

The doctor said I'd hear in two days!

- Well, this is just the second day!

- It's bad news, Helen, I just know it's bad news!

- Well, what makes you think that?

- She told me to breathe and I was breathing.

[audience laughing]

She didn't hear me!

I was breathing like this.

[Stanley heavily inhales and exhales]

- Oh, I haven't heard you breathe

like that in ages. [audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- I'm a sick man, Helen, the pain!

- Oh, that's just heartburn.

- No, I eat your cooking,

I know heartburn. [audience laughing]

Oh, oh, my god, my god.

- What, what, what, what, what is it?

- My ears.

- What's the matter with your ears?

- They're clicking! - They're what?

- They're clicking like this.

[snapping fingers]

What do you think it is?

- Sounds like "Lady of Spain." [audience laughing]

- You don't care, do you.

- Oh, come on, Stanley, of course I care.

- I'm burning up.

Here, take my temperature, I think I got a temperature.

Hold my, no, no, no, don't do it like that.

Do it like my mother used to do, with your lips.

They're more sensitive.

- [Helen] Oh.

- Am I hot?

[audience laughing]

- Not yet, but give me a chance.

I'm just getting started. [audience laughing]

- Helen!

Will you, not now, Helen!

- When, when? [audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[kissing] - You know what I like

about you, Anne?

You're sweet and you're totally non-fattening.

[audience laughing]

[hand patting] [audience chuckling]

Hi, David.

It's David. [audience laughing]

- Daddy, will you read me a story?

- Oh, sure, sure, of course.

But, uh, just one story and then you go to bed,

right, little fella? - Yes.

- Okay.

Let me see now.

No, no, no, no. [pages flipping]

Ah, here's a short one. [audience laughing]

I mean, here's a good one.

[audience laughing]

"Billy and His Talking Bicycle."

- Oh, good, I love that one.

- Okay, now here we go, David.

Buh. [sighs] [audience laughing]

Careful, please, careful, please.

[audience laughing]

"Billy's bicycle was beau, beau,

[audience laughing]

"beau, beau, beau-" - Is it a hard word

for you, Daddy? [audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- No, "It was beautiful."

"Billy's bicycle had a horn

"that went h*!" [audience laughing]

[Jeffrey gurgles] [audience applauding]

- No, it didn't,

it went honk! [audience laughing]

- Yes, honk, what's the matter with you, Jeffrey?

- I think I'll go to bed. [audience laughing]

- Aww, don't you want Daddy to finish the story?

- No, he's making too many mistakes!

[audience laughing]

- You don't think that's funny?

He thinks I'm an idiot! [audience laughing]

[phone ringing]

Yes, hello.

Yes, yes, it is.

Well, that's amazing.

That is amazing!

Yes, uh, thank you!

[receiver clicks] - What's amazing?

- Roper passed his physical!

- Oh, I'm glad. [audience laughing]

- Did anybody ever tell you that you have a sexy neck?

- You better tell Mr. Roper.

- That you have a sexy neck? [audience laughing]

- No, that he passed his physical.

He's been very anxious to hear,

and I don't think it's fair to keep a man waiting.

- Oh, I'm glad you agree. [audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- Ah, ah. [sighing]

[audience laughing]

Helen!

Where are you, Helen? [audience laughing]

- You're staring right at me!

- In my condition, I don't trust my eyes.

[audience laughing]

Helen? [audience laughing]

- Aww, what is it, dear, hmm?

- A few things I want to tell you before I go.

- I think you have a couple of minutes left.

[audience laughing] - No, I'm going fast.

I feel terrible about not telling you some things

that I should have, but never did.

- What sort of things?

- That you're the only woman I ever loved.

- [Audience Member] Aww.

- You're the most wonderful woman in the world.

- [Audience Members] Aww.

- And my life would have been worthless without you.

- Aww. - Oh, Stanley,

oh, that's beautiful!

- Even if they aren't true,

I should have told you. [audience laughing]

- And when you're all well,

I'm going to k*ll you. [audience laughing]

- I'm never going to get well.

- Yeah, well, maybe you're right, unless,

nah, it's too late now.

- Too late for what?

- Nah, never mind,

forget it, forget it! - What, what?

- Oh, well, all right.

I, it's just that, see I was reading in that magazine

about how making love is like a miracle drug.

It just puts new life

into people. [audience laughing]

- You mean if we?

- Well, that's what the magazine says,

I don't know. [audience laughing]

Of course, I'm willing to try

if you are. [audience laughing]

- I don't think I can make it to the bedroom.

- I'll carry you! - I can manage,

I can manage! [audience laughing]

[doorbell ringing] - Ooh, oh, no, no, no.

Look, Stanley don't move, stay right there!

I'll, I'll, I'll get rid of them!

[audience laughing]

- Ah hello, may I come in? - Oh, oh, no, Mr. Brookes.

- It'll only take one moment. - I know, I know.

- Good news, Roper, you passed your insurance exam!

- I did? - Mm-hmm.

- Then I'm all right?

- Medically speaking. [audience laughing]

- I'm gonna live, Helen,

I'm gonna live! [audience laughing]

- Mr. Brookes- - Yes.

- If you don't mind, my husband and I are very busy

right now. - Helen, Helen,

didn't you hear what he said?

I'm all right, now we don't have to.

[audience laughing]

- Couldn't you have waited

another 20 minutes? [audience laughing]

No! [audience applauding]

["The Ropers" by Joe Raposo]