04x03 - Remix Special 3

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie?

# Hey, hey, hey

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by?

# Hey, hey, hey

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Gettin' nowhere with you #

It was weird, tiny earthworms about this big, an infestation of them.

Where?

All over the window box.

Ugh!

I'm glad I waxed my bikini line.

Ha! I don't need to bother.

I do.

BOTH: Right.

Oooh!

All right?

Lindsey, er, you are quite, quite hairy down there, aren't you?

What?

A bit hairy down there.

Where?

Just, er, just...

PANICKED SHRIEKS AND PANTS

Oh, erm, erm, Lindsey.

Erm, it's OK.

You had me going there for a minute.

Oh, did I?

Yeah. I don't think anyone's going to notice a few little wisps.

I mean, I just got back and I found him lying face down.

I just don't know who could've done something like this.

He was alive when I left, and when I came back he just...

It's OK.

Thanks. I know statistically it's more likely to be me that did it

but I just want to say that I didn't.

Don't you worry, the k*ller of your husband will be found.

You say that but it always turns out to be the bloke's missus that did it.

Well if you didn't do it.

Correct.

Well, if you didn't do it.

Which I didn't. I didn't... do it. I mean, not I didn't didn't do it.

Am I incriminating myself by saying all this?

Like I said, statistically it's usually the... the victim's partner

that-that-that did it, and ended up murdering them.

Well, I'd just like to say that I am not that person.

At all.

Sorry, madam, you're husband's just been pronounced officially dead.

Good. I mean, Oh! Oh, oh.

Could you pass me another tissue?

To cry with.

Just there.

Thanks.

This is so sad.

CHAT ON RADIO

# RAUNCHY BLUES TUNE

Awww.

Excuse me, hello. Can I just ask...?

Hello. Would you sign a consent form for primary-school teachers to smack their children.

Yeah, probably. Well, no. Actually, I don't know.

I'm not gonna have kids anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Can't stand them.

Oh, God!

Get off me!

OK, my little fruitcake. Pop your shoes on. Put them on.

No.

Come on, Mummy's very busy.

Come on, sweetie. Put them on now.

I'm gonna count to three.

Then I'm gonna get angry.

One, two, three.

Oh! You didn't do it. Put them on now cos Mummy really will get angry.

Come on. One, two, three.

Honestly, put them on or I'm gonna get... I'm gonna cry.

You're gonna make me cry because I'm gonna be so...

BEEP

I want...

..a man, erm,...

who's really, really good-looking

but who, like, doesn't know it at all,

erm, who has, like, a really hilarious sense of humour

but who can be really, really serious when I say.

He should have a high-powered job, maybe in the city

but he shouldn't be motivated by money, at all.

And he should be really spontaneous when it comes to presents

but it should mainly be stuff that I, like, wanted already.

He should be really, really tough but really, really gentle.

And he should have...

..quite a large p*nis

but he shouldn't feel that he has to use all of it,

all of the time.

And he's got to be able to fly.

BEEP

Hi, I'm Elaine.

I'm looking for a tall, solvent man.

I work as a legal secretary

and my interests include theatre,

good food and playing tennis.

Give me a call.

BEEP

Hello. I'm Margaret. I'm 46 and I've never come.

I think I did come a few years ago

but my friends say if I'm not sure, I probably didn't.

I was just wondering, is this it?

Mm-mmmmmmmmmmmm.

Or i-i-is this it?

Ow. Owwww.

Ow. Owww. Oh.

Or is this it?

Or is this it?

Just not, not too sure.

One, two, three. Put them on!

I'm just gonna have to set fire to Blankey. Blankey?

I wonder where Blankey is cos I'm gonna throw Blankey in the fire!

Put them on!

Right. I'm very cross now and you've pressed all my buttons.

I'm gonna cut your favourite kite up and just throw it outside.

And no-one's ever going to love you ever again! You gonna put them on?

OK. All right, all right. Leave them there.

I've been shopping!

This look all right?

Yeah.

What're you gonna wear tonight?

Tonight? What's tonight?

To Tina and Dave's.

What?

I told you this. We're going to dinner tonight at Tina and Dave's.

You never said...

Yes I did.

No, you never.

I did.

No, you never.

OK.

No, don't!

I told you last Thursday before work.

That's Thursday, which was the fourth of June,

so if you'd like to listen and maybe eat your words.

"Steve, I've got to go."

"See you later."

"Oh! Tina and Dave asked us round a week on Saturday, you got that?"

"Yeah, I'll make a note in my diary"

"See you later. Bye."

"Bye."

I think someone owes somebody an apology.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Obviously I've made a huge mistake. Just let me...

What's the point? I've just played...

Oh, now you have to go and check your little bit. I can't believe it.

"Steve, I've got to go."

"See you later."

"There was something I meant to tell you. Oh, God, I can't remember now."

"I'll ring you from work. Bye."

"Bye."

What've you done to your tape?

That's not gonna work. How many times have we had that discussion?

You never tamper with the tapes!

I'm sorry, I won't do it again.

When did you do that?

This morning. I booked the studio and Alex did the mixing.

Who did me?

Johann.

He's got hidden talent, that boy.

Yeah. I told you he did impressions.

No, you never.

< I did. I did. I did

No, you never. You never told me...

He does Jeremy Paxman at the Christmas party.

When?

December the Christmas... 21st. Yeah, December the 21st.

Don't! What's the point? Honestly, it's so petty.

I'd like to remind myself.

What's the p... Argh! Why? Why?

# When all the world is cold and stinky

# And your mates are out shaggin' someone new

# When you need to come home to a real friend

# One who's always there just for you

# To share all those special sharing moments

# To do all those weekend-y sorts of things

# Who will give you what you want

# Do the things you like to do

# Solve your problems with one stroke

# Cats

# For when you just can't get a bloke #

CHILDREN SCREAM

Who wants a drink? You want a drink?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Here's one for you. Look, Mummy's got one.

Mmm.

Mercedes? That's your name?

Yes.

It's really pretty.

Thank you.

Have you used one of these before?

No, never.

It's like a Gaggia but more sturdy.

You put the coffee in like normal, just press that and it comes through

While that's happening, you then froth the milk, you know, like that.

LOUD HISSING

..boxing gloves.

Pardon?

I was saying that because you're new it's best if you wear boxing gloves.

Why?

It's a long story. It's just... You'll thank me in the end.

OK.

Hello.

Hi. A cappuccino, please.

That's a cappuccino.

A cappuccino?

Yeah.

Hi there.

Hi.

LOUD HISSING

It's been quite hot, hasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, quite hot but not today.

HISSING STOPS

No, not today. Today's quite gloomy.

But it has been hot before.

Yeah. You prefer it when it's hot?

Yeah.

Yeah?

I like it when it's hot.

Not too hot though.

Cappuccino.

Oh, no! Oh, dear.

She's new.

I'm really sorry.

It's OK. It... It's OK.

That is really bad service. I'm so sorry.

Very, very sorry.

I'd better make your cappuccino. I'd better do it.

Sorry.

That's my tip cup. My tip cup.

I made a bit of a mess.

# BLUESY TUNE

PHONE RINGS

Arrrrgh!

BEEP

I'm a beautiful lady

with long golden hair and huge breasts.

When you take me, I'm going to hug your breath away.

I can go all night if you want me to.

Come. Come aboard the Love Train.

BEEP

I'm 29. I can strip a Kalashnikov in five minutes,

breathe underwater for two hours and live on spiders for months.

If you want to go out with me, call me.

I don't have a phone. There's your challenge. Find me.

BEEP

Hello, I'm Erica. I'm 27. I'm quite soppy.

Er, into science fiction and more. Quite broad-minded.

Looking for a bloke who won't make me do what I don't wanna do, again.

Erm, even if it is his birthday.

No offence, Simon, but that's not an office, that's a house.

It's too obvious and so last year. It's textbook.

I agree. >

I'm sorry but since past mistakes will be rectified by the presence of Jo, our engineer,

I think we need to go bigger.

As long as we remember...

ALL:..feasibility is key.

Then, you should just go wild. >

Let's go feasible, lateral and win this b*tch.

OK. Let's make it rectangular, And scale it right up.

Yeah, make it massive. Make it about four miles high.

Is that feasible?

I think so but Jo suggested wind problems and bendage.

Yeah.

Let's raise it up somehow to create the illusion of height.

You know, have the ground here.

Great. So, here it is. >

So who, so who is holding this?

Sam.

No, I'm not. No.

Does it actually need to be held?

Yeah.

Yeah, but does it really though?

Yeah.

OK,so we put it on something. How about on this? Like that.

We use a modern see-through material

Good. We stick it in the ground like a beach umbrella.

Then it's simply a question of balancing a very big building on a thin, glass stick.

Brainwave! We use auxiliary support from... What're these things called?

Sugar Puffs, er, whales, er...

Zeppelins!

Zeppelins! Thank you.

Wait! I distinctly remember big disasters with those.

All right. We use the ones that don't explode.

OK, good.

Yeah.

Where, where is the car park?

Up here under the Zeppelin.

Which the cars get to...?

In little airborne boats.

Speedboats.

BOTH: Little airborne speedboats!

Excellent. >

No, wait! Jo, Jo, is this feasible?

No. No, it isn't.

Are you sure?

Yep.

Ok. How about a building that is... completely solid?

We fill it with concrete.

And the desks go...?

Outside.

Outside.

It's brilliant.

Jo, I beg you. Is that feasible?

Yeah.

WHOOP AND CHEER

Right, beige curtains. And what's that sexy thing called?

BOTH: Tongue-and-groove.

All that everywhere, on the outside. Chocolate desks, don't you think?

I mean, not really. Brown.

# TECHNO

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend

# I just can't find my friend #

Anya? Anya?

Nyet.

Si, si.

Enter your Visa, MasterCard, American Express, now.

Welcome to Kinky Woman Proletariat Show.

I kinky, kinky.

Proletariat.

She help me with this and this. Oh.

Oh.

For you. Oh.

Ohhh.

Oh. Ohhh.

Anya.

My number is 56942

Sex Pop.