02x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Oh, baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere Getting nowhere with you #

LIFT BELL

Number 12, please.

Oh, Linda, hello !

Oh, hi !

Sue, from downstairs. Remember ?

I haven't seen you for a long time.

How are you ?

You look really well.

Oh ! So congratulations are in order. That's lovely !

(Er, actually... it's just fat.)

BELL

This is my floor.

Oh, yeah.

(GROANS) Oh, you tart !

(WHIMPERS)

(SNIVELS)

(SOBS)

Hey, hey, hey, what's the matter ?

This letter.

I'm sure it's too much of a problem.

Let me have a look.

It's just... I can't read the address.

Let me try, then.

That says Fallengdarn Avenue.

TEARFUL: But it starts with a P !

Yeah. P-H.

Puh-Huh.

Yeah. Or Fuh.

(SNIFFS)

What, like an F, you mean ?

That's right. Phallengdarn.

So why don't they just write that ?

It's just a little lexical hangover from the Latin or Greek.

I'm not thick. I just don't speak Lexical.

I speak English.

Phan... Phallan...

Phallan... ..de.. gall.

Phallandagull...

No, that's a silent G.

(SOBS)

Hey, it's all right. A silent G.

And what's that, before Phallan... degall ?

That's a seven.

You what ?

You know, like after six ?

(SOBS) And what does that mean ?

It means you have to put it through that letterbox over there.

Through what ?!

Listen. I've got to deliver some semiskimmed to No 7,...

..want me to take it ?

Oh, would you ? That'd be great.

Thanks very much. Thank you very much.

You're really nice.

Pleasure.

(SOBS HYSTERICALLY)

That is so good.

(GIGGLES) Glad you enjoyed it.

It's been really nice coming round.

It's been lovely having you pop round. I'd love to see more of you.

< Yeah ?

Yeah.

Same here. Definitely.

Brilliant. So, got any plans for the weekend ?

I'm seeing my girlfriend.

You mean your ex-girlfriend ?

No.

Right. Right, right.

(BELCHES)

'Who are they ? You may never see them.'

'You know they exist.'

'You may have one in your neighbourhood.'

'They can look just like you.'

'They can visit you. They may act like a brother or sister,...

..but don't be fooled. They're different.'

'They are cousins.'

'They're out there...

..and you're probably not allowed to marry them - or are you ?'

Excuse me, have you got this in a smaller size ?

< No, sorry.

What about this ? Do you have an 8 ?

Oh, sorry ! Sorry, it's a special shop. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I like that. Can I try it on ?

Whoosh !

Whoo !

(WAILS LIKE A GHOST)

Help, I'm drowning ! I'm in a black hole !

(GAGS) Help me !

Or I could go as a tent.

Could you peg me out there ?

Do you sell guy ropes (?)

What size is this, actually ?

24.

That is three times as big as me !

Whoosh !

Oh, I like this. Now can I try it on ? Thanks.

Oh, that's much better. Nice !

Really snug fit. Yeah, I like that.

What's this flapping side detail ?

The other leg.

Slacks, of course !

BOING !

I feel like a mad pencil.

Oh, I like these ponchos. Have you got them in a...

Ugh ! Big pants !

Will you let me out of these ? Or will it puff you out too much ?

Aagh !

That was mean.

(CLEARS THROAT) Hi, I'm a Gemini...

..and I've just set fire to my head.

Erm... I can't really remember why now. I think I was going to say...

..that I do special effects for movies, but I'm not qualified,...

..just very enthusiastic about the subject.

Oh ! Ah... !

Oh !

OK, here's the deal. I've just split up with my boyfriend...

..and I'm on the rebound. I don't want any hassle any commitment, just sex.

No talking, no foreplay,...

..just pure, meaningless sex. I want you in and out in 30 minutes.

I'm looking for someone who's not really prepared to make the effort.

So, if you're interested...

MOBILE PHONE

Hello ?

Yeah, great. OK.

It's sorted.

You have to tell me what you like, you know.

I can't.

Course you can.

I'm just embarrassed.

Well, don't be.

Oh, I don't know... I'll draw you a diagram.

OK.

OK, draw me a diagram.

OK, this is me.

And this is you.

I'm wearing that skirt.

Very good.

And there's a chair.

And I'm going (GROANS AND PANTS).

And we just build up a rhythm and take it from there.

Isn't that a game of tennis ?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I can't... I can't remember how to do my signature.

Could I have a quick look ?

Could I have a bit longer look ?

I couldn't...

I can't.

I haven't stolen it. It is my card !

Right. OK. Thank you.

No, I've completely lost it again. Would it be OK if I just copied it ?

If I just... If I... If I copied it ?

I'll hold it.

OK. OK. OK. Come here !

Quickly !

Thank you.

Be quick, please.

I just didn't know...

You need to do a squiggly bit on the bottom.

Which bit ?

The Y.

OK. Do you want cashback ?

Yeah, that'd be great.

You have to sign again.

No, don't worry, I'll just go to the cashpoint.

Thank you very much indeed.

Great... Great.

Right, settle onto your haunches.

Really find your bottom bones. We'll finish off with a cleansing breath.

Close your eyes and breathe in for five. Two, three, four, five...

Close your eyes now for the final breath. Keep going...

Two, three, four, five, exhale.

Two, three, four, five.

OK, in your own time. Very nice.

That's right. Backs straight. Nice, nice, nice.

That's lovely, Rupert. Very nice.

Lovely exhaling. Oh, that's lovely, you're lovely,...

Lovely, keep exhaling... ooh.

Oh, very nice posture.

Exhale, three, four, five and relax.

Thank you, class, open your eyes. See you all next Friday. Be well.

This must be about the right place.

It's got to be around here somewhere

What does it look like ?

It's a little silver cat. Like this one.

With little tiny moons on it. I'm not bothered about the butterfly.

AEROPLANE

Wasn't it a 747 ?

Oh, where is it ?

I think we should spread out.

Do you ?

Yeah. Definitely.

You go that way.

Ooh !

Yes ?

Sorry, just a bit of grass.

Just sentimental value, really.

FLAMENCO MUSIC

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

Look, I haven't done much of this sort of thing before.

I've only had a boyfriend for an hour, and he was Greek, so...

FRENCH ACCENT: Relax. Take it easy. I'll follow you.

Your speed, oui ? OK.

That's good.

Like this, avec la tete ?

Er, wiv ze 'ead, oui.

Maybe we try something a leetle more advanced ?

Like that ? Is that good ?

Zis... zis is enough !

Avion ?

Ooh ! OK, OK !

Stop ! Enough. I'm airsick.

Maybe more... conventionale ?

Right. Right. Er...

OK ! C'est bon !

Shall I do this harder ?

Er, ze shirt is very scratchy on ze arm.

It ees scratchy.

Sorry. More like this ?

No, c'est mon favorit jumper. OK !

Oh, I see.

Oh, I feel really weird. I think I'm going to come.

I'm coming !

I'm coming !

I'm here.

You want to come too ? Tu veux venir ?

Yes, come, maybe.

You relax, close eyes, very good, come from be'ind,...

(BLOWS KISS) OK ! (NERVOUS LAUGH)

Gosh. I can't even hear you.

That's so sexy.

PHONES RING

OK, where's it gone ? Where's it f*cking gone ?

What ?

My relaxation stone ! It was here. I had it here !

OK, who's stolen it ?

Where have you put it ?!

IT'S NOT FUNNY !

Just take it easy !

It's probably just on your desk.

I need my relaxation stone because IT RELAXES ME !

WHERE IS IT ?!

Not here. Not here. Not there.

It's not funny !

Judith, I've got it. It's by the bin.

It's round. That's why it rolls off your desk.

It creates a calming aura.

Ha-ha (!) Who's got it ?

WHO'S BLOODY GOT IT ? IT'S NOT FUNNY ANY MORE !

Has it rolled off your desk again ?

Maybe you bought an aggravation stone by accident.

I don't like you.

I'll just do one for a laugh, OK ?

Hi. Er, my name's Michael.

Well, my name is Michael - no, it's not - and I am a g*y.

I'm looking for a g*y man.

Average height, 5'7, 5'8, brown hair. Or fair hair.

Short hair, sort of shaved. Graded.

Maybe number 2 at the back there, graded to nice short spikes,...

Average guy, looks after himself, goes to the gym 3-4 times a week.

But probably does something a bit more cardiovascular on the weekend.

Er, you know, cinema...

..and theatre would be important.

He likes that.

Er, someone who's comfortable with himself,...

..nice, erm, nice hands.

Have to be nice, big, generous hands that, you know...

..who wouldn't be afraid to maybe hold my hand in public.

You know, would be at home with himself and, er...

..could really just... treat me as an equal.

But, er, I'm just having a laugh. Not really serious.

Hallo. My name's Goodie and I'm a Quaker.

I'm now looking for a Shaker for good times and more.

To eat of pig and frolic galore, to build a chair with wooden slats...

..and live in a house with dogs and cats and not many forks.

# O, praise Him ! Praise Him ! Praise Him !

# Praise the big one up high !

# May He live a long, long time in His special place in my sty #

# Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah

# Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah

# I've been around a bit But now I'm going out with you

# I thought you loved me, babe Now I don't think you do

# And, baby, I'm upset you have a one-track mind

# But dig a bit deeper, honey, See what you find

# Whoo-hoo, you're not that special

# Who do you think you are - Mr Football ?

What d'you mean, I just talk about milk ?

# I'm really interesting

# I'm wild and I'm rural I farm and I sing

# Sure, I've got some cows and some cereal crops

# But I've also met your friends and bought some stuff in the shops

# I'm really interesting

# Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah

# I don't understand how you got that impression

# I drink a lot of milk but that's not my obsession

# I also quite like cycling I love science fiction

# And I single-handedly tiled my own kitchen

# Ooh, you're not that special

# Who do you think you are ? Mr Goalkeeper ?

What do you mean, I just talk about milk ?

# I'm really interesting

# I'm wild and I'm rural I farm and I sing

# Sure, I've got some cows and some cereal crops

# But I've also met your friends and bought some stuff in the shops

What do you mean, my mind is full of cheese ?

# I'm really interesting

# Yeah-yeah

# I'm really, I'm really

# I'm really, I'm really interesting Yeah-hey

# Whoa-oo-ooo-ooo-oo Yeah-yeah #

SHRILL FEEDBACK

Cheer.

DISCO MUSIC BLARES

(DJ RAPS)

ARE YOU READY TO GO MAD ?

ARE YOU READY TO GO WILD ?

ARE YOU READY TO EXPLODE ?!