01x03 - Bad Day on the Moon/They Came from Down There

[bunniefuu]

[Dog barking in distance]

Okay, little buddy.

On three.

Ready?

One, one and a half--

Three!

Alright, sonny, consider

yourself pinched.

Who are these guys?

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Sam and Max

[Phone ringing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

[Phone ringing]

BOTH: I got it!

I got it!

I got it, I got it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

Uh-huh, yeah, you got that

right.

And how!

It was the stern guiding voice

of the Commissioner with just

the right kind of hair-raising

case we can wrap our overactive

adrenal glands around!

Are you talking dirty?

He says there’s bad, bad

trouble on the moon, Max!

Let’s pack up and blow this

joint!

Did you make sure to sew ID tags

on all your underwear?

But I don’t--

Oh, yeah.

Me neither.

We have a go for lift-off.

Then let the stars be our

roadmap!

And the inside of this car

our stomach distress bag!

[Buzzing]

[Exploding]

Well, here we are on the

moon.

Pretty breathtaking, huh?

You said it, Sam!

Everyone knows there’s no air on

the moon.

The preceding joke was conceived

way back in 1978.

Fortunately, out fragile

little life essences are

protected by this penny

conscious moon gear!

[Breathing]

Hey, what happens when my

paper bag runs out?!

Didn’t you bring a spare?

I’m embarrassed by my lack of

preparation.

I’m a fool.

Man, it’s getting hot in

here and my windows are steaming

up.

I don’t know how the heck we’re

going to contact the natives.

Just yank that dippy bag off

your head and let’s follow these

highway signs.

So, let me get this

straight-- we can breathe here,

then?

I guess those prissy paranoid

astronauts never had enough

spine to try it.

Ooh, I can never say that

about an astronaut.

What’s that?!

No doubt some horrifying moon

creature bent on squiggling the

marrow out of our fuzzy bodies

without even a "how do you do".

I can’t say I’m not

intrigued.

[Tires squealing]

Greetings, moonians!

You made it.

Nice get-ups.

Climb in.

Well, Sam, the gorilla and

donkey man apparently think

we’re someone else.

He’s a zebra, Max.

And that’s what makes me a

little suspicious.

You see, in nature, a zebra

wouldn’t normally hang out with

a gorilla.

Plus, listen to this, a zebra

can’t drive a moon buggy or any

kind of car for that matter.

You see, zebras don’t have

hands, Max.

My gosh, you’re right, Sam!

The gorilla should be driving!

I think you’re on to something.

We’d better play dumb.

You mean starting now?

[Tires screeching]

Don’t anybody move-- this is

a stick-up.

All we want is the dough.

And maybe one of those

Elvis-shaped decanters.

We want to drink from the neck

hole of the King.

It’s an inter-species

hold-up!

I know your voice.

You’re the Henderson kid!

Start scooping the cash into

a plain brown bag, old man.

Giant rat guys!

Weird, interesting.

And somehow, very

appropriate.

Shall we slap the sleeper on

them and make them cry uncle?

Can’t think of a reason not

to!

[Blows landing]

Thanks for your help,

friends, but you don’t look like

you’re from our world.

Where is your home?

One of those points of light

you see in the sky at night.

By the way, uh, you can put

your hands down now.

[Cat screeching]

Our mayor wishes to meet with

you to discuss an urgent matter.

Hey, mister, you can put your

hands down now.

The mayor is, uh, right

inside.

Don’t be afraid or anything.

I’ve got to get back to the

shop.

Afraid?

Ha!

We’re too darn ignorant to be

afraid of most things.

Right, Max?

Hey, mister, you can put your

hands down now!

Well, if you won’t be needing

anything else--

Put your hands down, for

God’s sake!

Put them down now!

[Splashing]

I’m going to miss that little

fella.

He smelled like a fine

gorgonzola.

So does your bellybutton on

hot summer days.

Hello?

[Echoing]

I’ve been expecting you, men

of the Earth.

Ooh, men of the Earth, I like

that.

Your assistance is required

to resolve a certain pest

problem which plagues our

glorious city.

The situation is very grave.

A pest problem?

[Chuckling]

A town load of rats has a pest

problem, Sam?

That’s pretty funny.

And from a flying head--

amazing.

Your tiny skulls do not fully

comprehend!

Citizens are disappearing, taken

away and used for unspeakable

evil.

Okay, okay, don’t pop your

cork, Chief.

Just where might we find these

so-called pests?

The creatures you seek may be

found on the dark side of the

moon!

Now, be gone!

Uh, where?

Just out the back door, go

through the janitor’s supply

room and take a right.

Mmm, science fiction-y!

Well, what do you know?

There’s your problem right

there.

It’s a world of roach-like

leviathans lumbering through a

gargantuan cityscape!

MAX: Isn’t it cute how they

gather into social groups?

SAM: A moon roach coffee

shop!

It’s uncanny-- like some Earth

parallel development.

I never dreamed I’d live long

enough to hear you say "Earth

parallel development" and mean

it, Sam.

It must be feeding time, Max!

It looks like coffee and sweet

rolls are their main source of

nutrition.

And look!

Now he’s adding some kind of

non-dairy flavour enhancing

spoon of--

BOTH: Aah!

SAM: I’m having a lot of

trouble watching this, Max.

Here, I’ll hit the light.

[Slurping]

Uh-oh, it’s the universal

sign of surprise and alarm.

I think he spotted us.

[Roaring]

[Howling]

Don’t dawdle, Max, we’re almost

there!

It’s okay, Sam!

You’ve stopped the goon with

some enormous lever.

The pinhead.

[Sparking]

We’re through, Max!

We escaped with our fuzzy rear

ends intact.

Right, Max?

[Sniffing]

Max?

Smells like burning upholstery

out here.

Hey, Max!

Max?

Now what do I do?

My little buddy is just-- is

just a bag of chum!

MAX: Sam!

Sam, it’s me!

Max?

Where are ya, little buddy?

I’m inside you, Sam!

Everything that makes me a

unique individual, except for

my bones, guts and so-on, is

now stored within you.

Creepy, huh?

Hold on a second.

Let me try something.

What are you doing?

There.

At least now you look something

like your old self, even though

you smell like a fire in a wig

factory.

Oops.

Sorry, little buddy.

’S’alright.

What are you doing?

What’s the progress on the giant

roach problem?

And why are you carrying that

smouldering dishrag around like

a hand puppet?

Hey, hey!

Something horrible happened

out there, Chief.

Maybe you can help us.

My minister of science will

advise you.

Get in.

[Tires squealing]

We use this device to produce

a rich, delicious peanut brittle

for use in our savage, backward

rituals.

But it may serve your needs.

In you go, little buddy!

You must now apply the Helmet

of Supplicance.

Ow.

Feels like the convulsions in

my brain are being analyzed.

I hate that.

The basic molecular structure

of your little friend has been

vastly compromised.

Hand me that staple g*n.

You know, Max, when I was

hauling your remains around in

that oily paper bag, the phrase

"moist garbage" kept running

through my head.

And it gave me an idea!

Maybe something good will

come out of all of this.

Besides a mouth-watering soup

stock?

Be still!

For this is the critical

juncture where success or

failure of the procedure will be

determined.

Does that mean we get peanut

brittle?

Ooh!

[Sparking]

[Bubbling]

[Beeping]

[Clanging]

[Cheering]

WOMAN: Today, the city is

celebrating a landmark in

interplanetary relations.

Early this morning, a deal was

stuck between city officials

and these colossal ombudsmen

from space.

These husky fellows have agreed

to accept all the moist garbage

our citizens can produce.

Bon appétit!

Well, we solved the unrest on

the moon.

The city’s limitless supply of

garbage should put an end to the

giant roaches eating those

little rat folk.

And it sure is nice to have you

back in your own plushy little

carcass again, Max.

[Chuckling]

How do you feel, buddy?

Not bad, although I’m cranky

and listless, I’m retaining

water and I keep spitting up

sawdust.

[Coughing]

[g*ns c*ck]

Well, how ’bout that.

It’s a plain ol’ itty bitty

Earth roach and he’s packing

heat.

I don’t like the look on his

face.

It’s cold, calculated.

Almost inhuman!

Why aren’t you out

celebrating?

Don’t you know this is one of

the first c*ck-related

holidays?

Celebrate what?

The loss of acres and acres of

valuable garbage?

We’re just giving it away!

Why aren’t we looking after our

own vermin before we cater to

foreigners, huh?

Well, answer me, huh!

Whoa, take it easy, little

fella.

Just hand over the piece and

nobody gets hurt.

Right, Max?

I’m thinking ow!

Ooh.

Sometime we should sit down

and have a spiritual discussion

about the sanctity of life, Max.

Bam!

And then he was mucilage.

Did you say something, Sam?

Oh, never mind.

I think I feel one of my lame

songs coming on.

Oh no, not that!

♪ It was a bad day

when my buddy, Max ♪

♪ Got fried up on the moon

♪ Was vaporized

before my eyes ♪

Aah!

[Growling]

[Crashing]

You crack me up, little

buddy!

♪

[Grunting]

[Drill whirring]

Hold him down, Sam!

The success of this process

depends on it!

His resistance is great.

Will... strong.

You know, Max, if you would

just floss regularly, these long

scaling appointments could be

avoided.

[Phone ringing]

I got it, I got it!

BOTH: I got it, I got it!

OPERATOR: You have reached

the Sub-Basement of Solitude.

If you are calling for Darla

Gugenheek, please press one

now.

If you are calling for Sam and

Max: Freelance Police, please

press two now.

[Beeping]

It’s for us!

Mine, mine!

Yeah, yeah, uh-huh?

Holy jumping Jack Smelt in a

rented hamster suit!

We’re on our way.

That was you know who, Max.

[Gasping]

Our cantankerous man servant?

No, the Commissioner.

He’s all hepped up about some

strange doings down at Bohunk

Lagoon.

Locals, naturalists and even

clods in kayaks are disappearing

en masse!

My gosh, Sam, you said "en

masse"!

Ahem.

Aren’t you boys forgetting

something?

Your car is in need of a few

minor repairs.

Love that wrecking yard

caper.

Yeah, any loaners available?

You have two choices.

You can take the Vespa--

Not in this lifetime.

I feel all crawly.

Or you can take the boat.

But you have to promise to be

careful this--

[Engine revving]

Time.

BOTH: Thanks, Geek!

[Sighing]

Amazing!

We can use the sewer system to

travel unhindered to our

destination!

It’s a vastly underused

avenue of transportation!

And look, Sam, baby alligators!

Well, they’re buoyant and

log-shaped, but far from

alligators, Max.

I don’t feel so good.

We’re almost there, Max!

And since country folk are

limited to the honour system

when it comes to waste disposal,

I’m guessing there’s no sewers

where we’re headed!

Then this is going to end

badly for us.

And soon!

I just hate these moments.

Let’s hope this baby is

equipped with ample crumple

zones.

MAX: Yee-haw!

SAM: Here we are on

picturesque Bohunk Lagoon!

Almost makes me pine for the

sewer.

[Growling]

Something moved out there.

Well, we’re not going to get

to the bottom of any grizzly

goings on sitting here, little

pal.

You’re right.

Let us flee this place of evil!

[Motor struggling]

SAM: It won’t start.

That figures.

Try jiggling the handle.

[Toilet flushing sound]

[Coughing]

[Growling]

SAM: Well, here we are on a

stakeout surrounded by all our

favourite foods and tempting the

unforgiving demons of fate.

"Bohunk.

Population..."

Varies.

Curious.

What could account for such a

bizarre fluctuation in the

populous?

w*r, famine?

Rampant cannibalism?

Cannibalism!

I vote cannibalism!

OLD VOICE: Don’t be going out

on the lagoon at night!

I am warning you!

Look, Max!

It’s one of those colourful

oldsters!

The monster will get ya!

Eat your brains, he will.

Just like all the others!

It’s already ate the whole town.

Turned them into zombies, I tell

ya!

Only I remained to tell the--

[Growling]

Hark, the beast.

He beckons.

Run for it, boys!

Heed my warning!

The creature will take all the

fight out of a man until he’s no

man at all!

Make him as faint-hearted as a

wittle-bitty bunny rabbit, he

will!

I’d call that a fairly

sweeping generalization about

bunny rabbits, wouldn’t you,

Max?

If he wasn’t such a likeable

old soul, I’d have to re-educate

the tar out of him.

Hey, the crinkly old sole

survivor wasn’t kidding.

Look!

Holy mackerel, Sam!

These guys have gills!

It’s hideous!

Who could have done this and why

and how do we get some--

We’ve got to follow those

zombies and get to the bottom of

all this sci-fi hooliganism!

Remember, Max, just walk like a

bloodless, emotionless being and

they’ll never notice us.

Will I be expected to prepare

anyone’s tax return?

Hey, hang on a second, we don’t

have gills!

It’s a cartoon, jarhead.

We have remarkable lung

capacity!

I know, but I really want

gills.

And webbed feet and hands and

segmented eyes.

Can I have ’em, Sam?

Please, can I, hmm?

I’m spoiling this boy.

♪

Where are we, Sam?

In a high-tech command centre

of sorts.

No doubt the work of some

criminal mastermind who’s seen

too many James Bond flicks.

I’ll take that as a

compliment.

We meet again, Freelance Police.

Well, if it isn’t our

slippery old friend and

arch-nemesis--

Mack Salmon.

How exactly did he get that

way, Sam?

Some kind of boating mishap,

I’m guessing.

How often do you clean this

water?

What’s this fake body made

out of?

Melmack?

Your casual indifference

cannot save you this time!

You are now my prisoners!

At long last, you shall pay for

your part in causing my

condition.

Not that we have even the

foggiest recollection of what

you’re talking about, but would

it make it all better if we said

we’re sorry?

Come here, you.

Give us a kiss!

Stop it, stop that.

You-- Lunker!

Hey!

It’s unfortunate that you

will not live to see my plans

come to fruition.

Aww, come on, show us!

We won’t tell.

Well, alright then.

Behold!

The bounty of my genius.

He’s a fancy talker.

[Game show music playing]

Sea chimps?

The bounty of your genius adds

up to sea chimps?

I’m starting to like this

guy.

Not just any sea chimps.

Look closer!

He’s right, Max!

Look!

These sea chimps actually look

like the ones on the box!

And they’re playing with a tiny

beach ball!

MAX: Our prayers, they’ve

been answered!

You are a great man!

I mean, fish.

And that’s only the

beginning.

Witness this!

[Sparking]

Genetically enhanced and ripe

for the canning plant.

I’ll corner the market in sea

chimp chowder, chimp steaks,

breaded chimp nuggets!

And the citizens of Bohunk

are your zombie workforce!

Fascinating.

Diabolic!

But how?

See for yourselves.

Whoa, he’s a keeper.

I hear the really big ones

are up in Canada.

MACK: This mutant Muskie is

the keystone of my operation.

It is he who acts as my hands,

plucking hapless locals from

their boats and performing the

delicate surgery that transforms

them into tireless drones.

SAM: Sweet mother of all

things good and plenty!

He’s plucked out their brains,

Max!

I guess that makes him a

"brain sturgeon".

[Laughing]

Enough!

The time has come for you to

join those you came to save in a

lifetime of servitude to Mack

Salmon!

Muskie, remove brain-- obey!

Amazing!

I had no idea my skull was

threaded for easy access.

Quick!

Press down on the medulla

oblongata!

Five bucks says he smells burnt

toast!

Come on, come on, this isn’t

brain surgery.

Mama!

Death from above!

Spare ribs?!

Who’s cooking spare ribs?

Your clothes, give them to me.

♪ I see cheese and crackers

That’s the end of Round Two!

Sam!

Sam, is it you?

I’ll take Paul Lynde to block,

Peter.

You fool!

You’ve touched off his speech

centre!

Speech centre?

I always thought Max had a cream

centre.

♪ We represent

♪ The Lollipop Guild

♪ The Lollipop Guild

MACK: Stop him, he’s running

amok!

[Crashing]

[Clanging]

[Roaring]

Lunch!

Freeze, Muskie!

Drop the bunny or the mastermind

gets it!

Do as he says!

I think he means it!

Nice work, little buddy.

Thanks to your addled

shenanigans, I was able to

collar this carp without g*nf*re

or loss of lives.

Don’t mention it, Sam.

May I be rewarded with the

pleasure of tenderizing--

Er, I mean, mirandizing our

prisoner now?

Okay, but do it in the back.

These poor folks have seen

enough atrocities for one day.

No, no!

No!

We are much obliged to you

boys.

Not only have you led these poor

folks out of eternal bondage,

but you stitched their brains

back in and restored order to

our sleepy town.

Just doing our job, citizen.

And don’t you worry about Mack

Salmon.

We’re sending that felonious

flounder up the river.

He’ll fry for this.

Get it?

Fish?

Fry?

[All laughing]

SAM: It was another one for

the books.

Another gratifying kick in the

pants of crime.

MAX: And what of the mutant

Muskie, you ask?

SAM: An innocent pawn duped

into partaking in Mack’s sordid

scheme?

MAX: We’re pleased to say

that he’s been given a fresh

start by the people of Bohunk

Lagoon.

SAM: And allowed to start his

life anew as a useful member of

society.

[All clamouring]

No flash photography!

No flash photography!

[Roaring]

SAM: Such a beautiful spot.

[People screaming in distance]

I almost hate to leave.

Me too, Sam.

But let’s do before we start

blubbering like newlyweds over

its grandeur.

You crack me up, little

buddy.

[Motor revving]

♪