Operation Happy New Year (1996)

[bunniefuu]

Darling, are you comfortable? Darling...

Darling, do you feel good?

Just a moment!
Now I'm gonna make you feel even better...

Just a moment...

Darling, darling!

My darling!

My darling!

Darling, are you alright? Don't be silent, darling.

Are you good?

Nice fractures! Where did you manage to get them?

- Doctor, will I be able to write or to draw?
- Are you an artist or a writer?

A literary man.

Well, I can't promise that you will write
like Duma the father or the son.

But I think in 2 months you'll be able
to hold a pen in your hands.

- I use my computer.
- Then it'll be earlier.

Damn it! I haven't bought presents
for the New Year yet.

A book is the best present.

- What genre do you work in?
- Erotic.

And what about hands fracture?
Is it associated with your work?

Industrial trauma.
A real artist has to test everything himself.

I don't get it.
Why did you need to break your arms?

I haven't just caught her weight.

She was a heavyweight judo team member.

Good day, soldiers-commandoes!

The New Year's coming in.
I wish you a Happy New Year!

- Ask the general to speak a little more quiet.
- Aye, sir.

- Sir, they ask you to speak a little quieter.
They've got a little problem. - Right?

- Good day, soldiers-commandoes!
- Good day, sir comrade lieutenant general!

The New Year's coming in.
I wish you a Happy New Year!

The north doesn't recieve the signal.

Sir, the north doesn't recieve it.

We'll broadcast it in record.

So, can I do?

The New Year's coming in.
I wish you a Happy New Year!

- OK. It's recorded. Thank you.
- So, is that it?

Yes, sir! That's it.

- Wow...
- Ouch! Oh, my God!

- Just a minute...
- Are you alright, sir?

It seems as my leg...

Everything's OK, sir.
You'll be able to jump with a parachute soon.

- Did you have any fractures before?
- No, it's for the first time.

So, you've got such kind of a dangerous
occupation. What was your jump distance?

You told me that we jump. We don't jump
but we make our parachute jumping. What the hell we jump.

And it's a military secret after all. I can only
tell you that my jump distance was a minute.

I see, sir.

Keeping silence? Even in the New Year
you can't find a word to tell me.

Maybe, you'll find it for me?
What did you say?

- Nothing.
- No, what did you say?

- I said "Nothing".
- No, what did you say before that?

Can't you get what I tell you about?
I know what are you thinking about.

- You again?
- Again what?

- Again you burst with...
- With what?

With what I can burst at all?
I see what do you mean...

Take this! I'll show you!

So what? What will you say now?

What can I say? Happy New Year!

I became a disabled person because of you!

That's it! Now that's it for sure! Now I'm gonna leave you! I'm gonna ruin your company.

You'll pay me alimony through the Court 'till the end of your days. You'll be at show!

But not soon at your dance show, I'm afraid.

That's it, your career gave up for lost. It'll be a variety show on crutches!

Maybe, your leg will be amputated after that.

So, you'll have to make your vulgar entrechat show with artificial limbs.

What's your outlook? Part of "Tin soldier"? The premiere "One-legged"!

You wait! I'll get up and reach you!

Hey, somebody! Excuse me, can I ask you?

Give her crutches, please. Let her reach me.

How you dare! You wait! I'm gonna show you!

Quiet, patients! Quiet!

Stop it, you can't worry.

We wait for patients but you smoke.

It's a hospital.

I'm a doctor.

Andrey, we wait for patients, please. Don't smoke here.

- I'm coming to the W.C.
- So go pissing!

Get down.

Police? They hunt me.

Do you ask where I am? I'm in rush and feeling cold.

I don't know where the south is. There are no any sunshine, no any moss.

OK, I'll look around.

Íålð må! Íålð må! S.O.S!

S.O.S! They sh**t me! Can't you hear it?

Come on! Move!

We could put it down like original. So you said we can't!

Right...

What are you doing here? Show me your paper!

Your b*tch will walk the streets now.

She won't die even there. We'll together visit you in the nursing house.

And your dirty company will be ruined. And I'm gonna make you going to jail.

And I'm gonna ruin all of you on the whole.

- Take him.
- Watch it! You hurt me.

- Let me do it.
- Don't.

Take sciccors.

- Why do you need sciccors for?
- Be quiet.

Don't you cut it.

- Let me do it.
- OK.

- What's there?
- That's it.

That's OK, it's not a fracture, it's just an intense injury.

Without it you can live even better. If would you know my problem of this.

Yesterday an oral sex machine came to me. I mean a Korean woman.

I have felt like a caveman with her.

It excites him.

So you shouldn't worry about it, my dear.

You gonna live a full-blown sexual life.
All of your stuff are working.

- What?
- It seems like he's going to say something.

- Let me write it!
- I see you wanna write anything, don't you?

*It's not a circus. What did you make, you b*tches?* It's not a circus. What did you... He's writing with a bad hand.

Alexander, it's not clear.

Of course, it's not a circus but a hospital. Get it? You're in injury. We'll cure you.

- How?
- Don't worry. Haematoma will go down. A colour will come back.

The only thing I can tell you: it works. It means that everything's gonna be alright.

After that kind of hit... Your physique is strong.

So you are OK. You're in bed.

Lena, you've got your left leg broken and me - right one.

One pair of shoes for two.

Happy New Year! Did you know me by my voice?

I long for a date with you under a New Year tree, my beauty. So how?

So what does it mean you are a student? My long-term experience tells me that

they will bring them only at dawn when everyone toboggan drunk and break their legs.

So you are racking, Poluyan? There are no neither pots nor heroin.

- Happy New Year!
- Well, thank you!

Our staff is excellent. Kurkova and Epstein will stay with you. If anything happens they'll help you.

Go, assistance!

Happy New Year!

Oops! I've just touched it and it... Gotta clean up, Andrey.

You can't drink at work, you know.

- There are pills with expirated date. Doctor, uh?
- Sveta? It's Kachalov.

Ping? I ask you to me. We'll just meet the holiday.

Doctor, I need some sleeping pills. You've got Relanium here.

Why is my place bad? I see that it's a clinic. But I've got an empty room here.

No, it's not an allusion. I got it, sorry.

Doctor, I feel even worse.

Happy New Year!

Yeah... To meet a Happy New Year this way is so blue.

- It's for you.
- I don't read such rubbish.

I'm an author of this book. I'll sign you when I can hold a pen in my hands.

- Thank you.
- Not at all.

Now I write a love treatise.

Not a handbook but the grandest research paper.

A whole number of experiments is important here.

Tell me, Why does our nation have so many complexes?

Well, what are you up? Would lie. Well?

New Year.

Why don't we have art conception?

Words which express sexual human needs. So...

Do not pay attention. This is another case of
terminally ill.

In my new book heroine needs love.

She's 32. She never has an orgasm

- Why?
- It's so personal...

No. Why 32? 33 is better.

- Why 33?
- Because I'll be 33.

During the Battle of Wagram Etienne receive
heavy hand wounds...

Who are you visiting? Sorry.

So, after 2 years Etienne came back

to his lover, Nataly.
But he was hiding from her.

-Why?
-Hands?

I wish you health, comrade general. Happy New Year!

We wish you fast recovery
and promotion.

Thanks a lot.

And this from financial department personally.

- Comrade general.
- Testing, testing. Do you hear me?

- Comrades officers.
- Junior reserve Sergeant Epstein.

And the youngest reserve sergeant too.

So that nothing go wrong.

Happy New Year, comrade general!
- Fast recovery.

Hope you will recover fast. We are waiting for you.

Happy New Year! Good luck to you! We won't let you down on exercises.

Yes... New year.

Lena, it's me, Zhenia. We met in gynecology.
Remembered?

No. I didn't operate you. I was
the one telling jokes.

- Doctor...
- Yes, yes, yes. Remembered? Yes, yes.

Lenochka. I invite you to the New Year feast.
In the clinic. Why not? Everything is normal here.

Memorized! Yes, i remember! Three and 2 candies.

- Well done!
- Epstein, three!

- Snack steals a degrees. Three and two candies.
- I will be back in a flash.

Come on! One foot here, another there.

Hiis hands are important. Hands are like image, a form.

Nathalie is older than Etienne. She has a maternal
love for the young officer.

- And he feels for her filial feelings, which are intertwined with
passionate attraction ... - Happy New Year!

Get well soon, dear. Get well.

- Sorry, who are you visiting here?
- Inappropriate question since i am wearing this uniform.

Don't you see who I am, madam? Happy New Year!

Ljova! Soloveichik!

- Who is calling Hamlet?
- Your father, Hamlet.

- Dad! Got it?
- Here.

Hello, can i talk with Vera? I am calling from the hospital.

No. There is no Vera here. I am here alone.
No, i am not a patient. I am a doctor.

- Hang up.
- Don't get discouraged, doctor.

- Who is that?
- Cops knocked down...

All personal belongings scrambled.

Everyone are sending you best regards.
You made a nice job with the as*h*le.

I met him today. He said:
"How is our Lyova?

Tell him please that i want him
as Lenin on my play".

- Yes, yes, yes. He wants you shaved.
- b*stard. Lenin. . .

So that girls will stop loving.

- Epstein.
- Kuzmichev. Santa Claus.

- Lyova, shall we pour him also?
- Now.

Man, if you want - blink.

- How do we pour?
- Maybe, right in the mouth?

No. He shouldn't.

He wants to make a Lenin out of you.
Takes revenge b*stard. Because you stole Lenka from him.

- Why, she was with him?
- Okay. I still have to go in three places.

- Be so kind, go to store.
- Make me this courtesy.

- Do you need some help?
- No, thank you. We can handle.

- And how will you pour and drink?
- We have figured out everything.

- Newbie, do you want to drink?
- That is enough.

- Are you driving?
- Not anymore.

For the healthy. And for no cast!

Cast... Street... Lantern...

New Year...

Did you all come here to die?

- How much people we have in this department?
- Not counting staff, 9.

- Two bed-ridden, all the others can.
- What they can?

Everything! They can go buy something, serve the table.

It's clear. As always, we lack sensitive leadership,

so that everything goes in the right direction.

I am inviting you without any hidden intentions.

No need to raff.
Thank you, same to you. Happy new year!

Doctor, your approach is wrong. A woman needs
to feel herself as

St. Agnes with a basket of compassion.

Your tablets' expiry date is due tomorrow.
Do you want me to call Madonna?

- I don't like her.
- Who do you like?

- Hakamada.
- But she's does not sing.

- Why would she sing?
- Then whom should we call?

- Queen of England.
- Why would we need the Queen?

What a New Year it would be without the Queen!

- Don't forget about the Pope!
- And why would we need the Pope?

- I like him.
- Interesting...

New Year with a nylon tree?

Spruce must be real. With a scent, with flavor.

- Any objections?
- No.

- Where can we find the spruce here?
- Approximately, somewhere here.

So Lyova, go and deliver it here.
It is not necessary to chop it. We are not barbarians.

Take a shovel and dug it up neatly.
Where we have here fire-fighting tools?

Fire-fighting tools are here, but there is no shovel
and there never was one.

You know, I'll get there, but how will I dig?

- What's your name?
- Lyosha.

- Aleksei in this square you will find a spruce. Find a shovel and
dig it out. Carefully.

Is it Ministry of Foreign Affairs? It's Polujan from the hospital.

No, not mental hospital. I'm from the traumatology department.

No, not a head trauma. I have a neck trauma.
Happy New Year to you!

Can I have Vatican phone number? Who might know?

So the night shop is there,
and here - stands, stands, stands and stands...

- No, stands are no good.
- But it's cheaper there.

Are we planning to meet New Year in reanimation department?
No.

This means that to the store will go...

- You.
- Yes.

So fellow officers, I'm sorry, fellow patients,

the last thing but not the least thing.

- What?
- It's about women.

The feast, especially the New Year, without women,
you know is impossible.

- Exactly.
- The heck with them. They will ruin the feast.

Women are needed. Even if they are not needed right now.

I assure you, later you will run around looking for them.

Therefore i propose to bring ladies from the
neighboring structure.

Our colleagues in misfortune.

No, I'm against it. Why do we need injured ones?

Do you suggest to bring ladies from gynecology?

- No, better injured ones.
- Not from the gynecology!

Celebration without women is like a military unit witout a banner.

It seems like everything is in place, but something is missing.

- Like what?
- But you lack the pride.

Comrade General, may be it's better from gynecology?

No, only injured ones. From our determined
and precise actions

depends the success of the celebration. On your marks!

And may you succeed in carrying out your tasks.
Thank you. Everyone are free to go.

Only now I'm beginning to understand
the state of my character.

Did you feel anything? Not now.

I've completely lost all my sensitivity.
Yes, it should be done tenderly, gently.

The cast, of course, prevents the direct sensations.

So what do we do? What now?

Maybe with the tongue?
Okey.

- What about now?
- Still nothing.

And this way?

At last! You should be sent only to pick up the death.

- Where's the patient?
- This one? There.

Sorry, there.

Zoja, you misunderstood us.

I was just demonstrating some zones.
You know the zones, only zones.

I know what your zones are. Randy dog!

I will get to you, little skank.

- Stop it! What are you doing?
- Let me go.

Happy New Year, madam! Would you like to
serve in the as*ault troops?

- Do I look like I am made of wood?
- We need powerful women like you.

You are Valkyrie.
You have a warrior spirit in you!

Only as*ault troops will help you to
discover your potential.

- Do I look like an idiot?
- Idiots don't serve in our troops.

My name is Ivolgin. I'm as*ault troops general.

- I'm Zoja.
- Please, consider my offer.

- You will have powerful support from me.
- Actually, I am imaginist.

It's not an obstacle for the service. I myself support
intuitional philosophy,

but this is not an obstacle.

- What is it?
- I want to write.

Go to sleep.

Patient, you should not worry.

Have you seen a little guy with a black fur hat?
We should have sent someone more quick.

Your people? Why are you sending patients
to ill*gal activities?

But we already explained, that we dug it out temporarly.
Later we will return it.

The spruce was growing on the property, therefore it's
owned by hospital.

This spruce was growing near the fence, on the ground that
belongs to the city.

And therefore it is not a hospital property.
It is administered by the town council.

We found it near the fence, it was the most
beautiful and splendid.

- Here, they admitted their guilt.
- Happy New Year. Come in.

For someone it is a New Year, and for someone else it is a duty.

Comrade General, we have some trouble, they got our people.

We shouldn't have sent those Ret*rded to pick up the Christmas tree.

The crime is clear.
We have to make a report.

Comrade General-Lieutenant, I'm sergeant Semenov.
I'm the local police inspector.

- Yes, sergeant.
- I'm sorry, but we should draw up a protocol.

We should. But we also should meet the New Year's.

- What a holiday would it be without the spruce?
- I see.

There are injured people here, they should also get some joy in life.
But Dura lex sed lex.

Yeah, the laws are strict. No-one is arguing about it.

The spruce will be returned into its natural place,
and after the holidays, I promise,

my guys will plant several other spruces nearby.
Is it clear?

- May I leave, sir?
- Yes, you may. Actually you may also join us.

Aye, sir.

Look, Semenov, I've got a patient missing.
I'm already starting to worry.

- Can you ask your mates on the walkie-talkie?
- I could.

- Where could he be gone? In his P.J.'s...
- Is it a strong frost?

- Look, I'm freezing in my jacket.
- Wanna vodka?

Vodka?

Semenov, according to which system would you like to drink vodka?

- Which do you use?
- I'll use "Yin".

Ok, I'll use "Yang" then.

- Is it for the harmony?
- No, I'm at service now.

Finally Etienne has opened his eyes and looked
at his hands.

They were covered with mud and blood.

Oh my God, it was just recently that these hands
were petting the obedient Nathalie's body.

He remembered every quiver of her gentle
and quaggy body

that was always ready to react to the smallest
touch of these hands.

Etienne stood up and stood on his knees.
The emperor passed by.

Napoleon was followed by the gloomy Macdonaliy.

Etienne heard Massena say to Davou:
It's a Pyrrhic victory.

Etienne wasn't even thinking about the battle.

All his thoughts were focused on the sad
memories about Natalie's body.

How will he be able to pet her breasts and hips
with hands like these?

Darling, 5th hussar squad didn't take part
at the Battle of Wagram. It was the reserve force.

The guards and 1st cuirassier division were in the battle
from the light cavalry.

Then we'll have to transfer him to the guards
before the battle. Zoja, darling, where did we stop?

How will he be able to pet her breasts and hips
with hands like these.

How will he be able to feel her body
getting back to life and shivering under his gentle touches.

Finally!

Hey, have you seen this shorty in the ear-flaps hat
and P.J.'s...

Comrade general, our intelligence reports the following:
women trauma department has

three legs, one neck and two laying patients,

and one of the legs who got into a car accident
is very sexy.

- Is the leg sexy?
- And the leg too.

- The leg is mine.
- Agreed if we take the whole set.

- Let's take all of them.
- No objections.

Look, general, maybe we'd better invite
women from gynecology department.

- Wait a minute...
- I'm Lyosha.

Alexei, a lot of operations failed because of the
weak study case of possible variants.

I agree that there are also women in the gynecology department.

But what if during the feast someone would proceed a little further.

- Someone would definitely proceed further.
- It would be a t*rture.

If a sickness wouldn't allow to carry out what is wanted.

It would result in a soul and physical trauma.
That's why traumatology! And only from traumatology!

- Don't you push me to the wall!
- Be careful!

- Turn left, right.
- Don't break the legs!

Darling, I'm so happy! I am so greatful!

Thank you very much.

We have to put the star at the top of the tree. Can you handle it?

Lucky you... You have only fractures and bruises.

- Ready.
- Let's glue. Here? Higher?

I think that he wants to say something all the time.

- Don't worry, we'll help you.
- There are no reasons to be worried.

Next year you'll be able to walk and pee by yourself.

Don't worry.
You've got your testicles smashed.

- Completely?
- No, not completely.

I think that he wants to say something again.

Try putting his jaw back into the joint.
He might say something.

Say it - sausage, wiener, b*tch.

- Sausage, wiener, b*tch.
- It's a dislocation.

Once we had training exercises in taiga,
in extreme conditions.

And during the airlift delivery warrant officer Ivanko
fell from a low height

and dislocated his jaw as he hit the ground.
Then he was getting out to his unit with mouth opened.

Almost everything was fine, but there were a lot of biting flies.

He became a vegetarian after this incident.

- That's it.
- Screw you! - Ahhh...

- Where the hell am I?
- You're in the hospital, in trauma department.

- Where are my clothes, I need to make a phone call. Oh my god!..
- You'd better not move. See?

You shouldn't worry about your clothes.
It's locked securely.

Carry me to a phone. I hope you've got
a phone in this crazy house?

He's alive. I'm sorry, there's something...

Lucky you. You've got only...

I'm sorry, the wheel is stuck.

Sorry.

Let's hang a red one. You like it?

It's me again, sorry. They are not at villa,
there's only service staff there.

Could you give the phone number of the palace, they say
they could've gone there. Thank you.

- Can I call?
- Sure. There you go.

It's me. What's with the voice? My voice is just fine.

Look, tell me please, why do I pay this money?

And I'm here, hell knows where in P.J.'s.
And you are all drunk there.

Now you all come here to me. What?
Did you think that these b*stards shot me down?

Thanks for the advice. What defence, what doors?
It's all glass in here.

No, I don't a doctor anymore.
I just need to have a thorough rest.

Parasites! Is it safe here?

It's safe, be sure. We've got a policeman who guards
the territory.

What are we celebrating?

Today is a New Year!

It turns out that today is a New Year.

Excuse me, could you tell me
where the 2nd trauma department is situated?

How should I put it? Follow my tracks.
You won't miss it.

Thank you, father.

- I thought that we've had not that much.
- Whom are you visiting?

My lord, it's an inappropriate question on New Year's eve

if you address it to the main character of the event!
Lyova!

- Who's calling Lenin?
- Ok, I'll go then.

If you meet that shorty in P.J.'s and ear-flapped hat,
bring him here. He's one of mine.

I was going to you and found him with his face in the snow drift.

I thought that he might freeze here that's why I brought him with me.

Well, additional Ded Moroz wouldn't be a burden for the feast.

- Yeah, it's a difficult job.
- He's got his nose frostbiten.

He must have been laying with his face in the snow drift.

- Does it hurt? Treat it here.
- He must be a newbie and wasn't able to know his limits.

Something like this happened to me when I was young.
As for me, I fell asleep under a Christmas tree.

In a snow drift? No, thank God in a kindergarten.
And my snow maiden fell asleep outside.

But she turned out to be a strong girl.
She didn't even have a running nose.

These shoes are expensive. Ded Moroz cannot afford shoes like these.

What can you possibly understand?! By the way,
last year only for the house calls

I earned so much that could have bought
several pairs of shoes.

The seconds stepped aside. Etienne smiled
and looked into the sky.

God, - he whispered, - give me the strength.

But his hand gripped the guard of the sword and slowly
fell under the heaviness of the sword.

Natalie appeared in front of his mind vision.

Her sad and pretty eyes looked at him
giving him strength before the duel.

Darling, what if we would interrupt the duel
by his memories about making love with Nathalie?

Excellent! A violent bed scene!
A battle of love and a battle for life!

This is great! An ecstasy of love and a violent battle!
Where have we stopped?

- Giving him strength before the duel.
- Etienne smiled sadly.

We've hanged the decorations, comrade general.

- Brought it? Why did we send you?
- There you go.

- Could you find something better? I'm windy because of it.
- It's a good brandy. Carl Ivanovich.

- Where?
- I'm Carl Ivanovich.

And where's a shorty in P.J.'s and a black ear-flapped hat?
Have you meet him?

- No, I haven't.
- Whom are you visiting? Come in, of course.

- Aren't you from morgue?
- What?

- Do you work in morgue?
- Not really.

I thought you work in a morgue.
Your face looks familiar.

- Get him in.
- Where are you going? Ah, this is there, straight ahead.

So where is the patient? How is your health?

- Thank you, i am fine...
- Open your mouth.

You misuse alcohol, young man.
You've got osteomalacia.

That jerk, osteomalacia. What, am I pregnant
or what?

Sergey Nikolaevich, I just talked to Kalenov,
he said that he called you.

Get rid of him, for Christ's sake, do your job.

- Ok, let's see what we've got here.
- I've just seen the ward, it's so shabby.

I think we should decorate it in purple,
Cesare Borgia style.

- It'll look like you have it in LA.
- OK, do it like in LA.

Get it away.

What is he doing? What is he doing?

He's the best specialist in this area.
He's been called from the table.

- Are you going to examine me here?
- Let's move to the ward.

This is the best genitals specialist. It was last year,
do you remember, Ivanov got shot there?

And he put it together piece by piece and stiched it together.

OK, guys, do something about the door.

Etienne was thirsty... no, Etienne was seized by thirst.

Darling, don't get distracted. Millions of readers
are waiting for you manuscript.

He smiled sadly and looked at Natalie.

God, - he whispered. - Give me strength.
But he had no strength.

Put the treillage on the windows! Be careful with the door.

Those b*stards! Turns out they can do it when they want to do it.

My bunker door in the headquarters is thinner.

- I need a doctor, I have to irrigate the stomach.
- What's wrong with you?

No, I'm good. Did you have some fake vodka
on your way?

It's not for me, it's for this detainee.

- We need to irrigate his stomach.
- It's decomposed already.

When I was taking him in custody, he swallowed
an important thing, we need to take it out.

- It tickles.
- So what? Can you feel anything?

- Why are you stewing in the overcoat?
- The hand-cuffs are in the way.

- So take them off.
- You should've done it earlier.

He's got a lot of sh*t inside. It's easier to say what he doesn't have there.

I cannot say anything after the palpation.

- So what?
- Oh my God, it's so gross.

- Botticelli?
- Sandro?

It's a replica. A fragmentary one.

It's a whistle. They charged 10% off from my bonus for losing it
in the year before last.

Sergey Nikolaevich, your ward is done now.
We put a protected door there.

The key number is your account's number in Zurich.
Here's your Delta.

The glass in the windows is b*llet-proof.
The treillage is safe. Now we're checking the alarm.

What's so funny, professor?
Is he really a professor?

He's the best specialist for this.
Last year a great dane bite Shkirko.

- And he stiched it as it was made like it.
- But Shkirko got shot.

Oh, that happened later.

Well, it's too early to say how successful was the surgery.

How functional the transplanted organ would be.

I see that you are showing
the secondary sexual characteristics.

- What the heck? What characteristics?
- The surgery was done neatly.

There are some bruises, the blood boil is too big,
but it happens during a transplantation.

The flesh was successfully transplanted.
As if it's yours.

Professor, you misunderstood.
It's mine.

- It's stiched really good.
- What's he talking about?

- Where have you found him? Take him away.
- Come on, professor.

- But the size is unnatural.
- It was successfully transplanted. Wow.

Guys, I need your phone.
I'll take your Delta.

- How did you open the door?
- As usual - I knocked and opened it.

I don't get it.

It's hard to say when it'll be functioning good,
but visually it's getting better.

Who's in charge here? We need an autogenous welder.
We've got a policeman who lost a key for the handcuffs.

- Wait, how the hell you know the bank account?
- What account? What bank?

We need to change the account number in Zurich.
It's already an open secret.

- You are lucky to stay behind that door.
- How did you get in here?

I cooked a goose for the feast at home.
I left it in the oven. It turned out great!

i love the goose with tender golden crust.

I put there not only dried plums
as others do

but also raisins and rice in the proportion 1,5 to 2,5.

Enough about food! Since this morning we sit like crows.
Because of this idiot, the feast is gone.

So sit there and wait. The amateurs sure will put
dried plums there. That's clear.

Dried plums take the excessive fat away, that's why I put rice there.

Doctor!

I have alreay talked to everyone. Everyone have been warned.
There will be some ladies.

I would not want. . . I am a person without any complexes,
I do not care.

I would prefer people not talking
a lot about my injury.

There is not much to talk about it. Pretty common
injury.

I hope that you are not going to discuss about it with ladies.

You know what is medical ethics?
I swore an oath of Hippocrates.

Oath? I swore many times in my life, but I trust you.

Careful, and be careful here too.
It's ok now.

Now turn!

Stop. Lift it up slowly.

- Get it.
- Ok, how much is for delivery?

Well, I understand you, guys. Once I ran for it
up to Murmansk.

It's funny to remember now how I went 2,000 kilometres.
As if there was nothing closer.

- And was it closer now?
- Nope, I brought it here from Murmansk.

Ok, I wish you happiness in the new year.

One moment.

- What's up with them?
- They are lucky.

Look how they fled. Like c*ck.

- It's Soloveichik, drama actor.
- And comedy actor, too. My name is Leo.

Ded Moroz. We've got another one in reserve.
As you understand, it's a very hard job.

Mr. Mavetsky. He's got a very
manly trauma.

Mr. general, let's not frighten the ladies.
I'm Sergey Nikolaevich. You can call me just Seryozha.

- Ljosh.
- Aleksei.

- These are Krupye brothers.
- I'm Shurik.

- I'm Sasha.
- Hello.

- A fatal case.
- Sergey Olegovich.

- Yeah, and his imaginist.
- People are celebrating here at bay.

Such a guest would be as a cure for them.
You don't lack Christian virtue, do you?

And the Pope is a Christian, too, he can understand it, too.

- It's festive.
- And stately. There you go, ma'am.

Please give some of your attention here.
It's "Asti Mondoro", an elite one. Would you like to drink it?

Nice to meet you.

Leva! Soloveichik! Where are you?

- Epstein, is your castor oil here? [Often used as laxative in Russia.]
- No, but do you want to take right now?

Are you f*cking nuts? As if I want
to drink castor oil when it's the holiday.

- When there is so much tasty stuff in here.
- Yeah, you will.

Ok, my friends, it's time.

Kuzmichev, there's not enough women for everyone, I've counted them.

- Carl Ivanovich.
- Kuzmichev.

- Nice to meet you.
- Leo.

There you go.

My friends, luckily the bad luck
has united us together in this place.

But should every one of you, in spite of personal pain,
not lose his or her heart.

Well, to feel ourselves better than from this stuff.

- Well, Happy New Year!
- Happy New Year!

They say, the way you meet the New Year
is the way to spend it afterwards.

I met last New Year in a banya.

- So what?
- So I haven't been to banya since then.

I guess you washed yourself that good
so that you spend all year clean.

His head is showing over there.

So listen. You should soak rice in wine.
The type of wine doesn't matter in this case.

The point is that the wine has some light bitterness.

My friends! Only he who is running falls.
He who is laying doesn't fall.

Well, to those who run!

Zoya, darling, this is vodka for ladies,
I won't die of one little sip.

- Darling, you've got work to do.
- Oh yeah, ok then.

Carl Ivanovich.

- Thank you.
- Don't mention.

Comrades officers,

if you are that dumb, so that you cannot
remember anything

you should get a notebook for you.

Or two, like I've got.

It's me, c'mon!

And here? Look carefully here.
Can you see?

- What are we looking for?
- It's made from metal and it's round.

It's 36,8 mm diameter.

Look, I've found something. It's a foreign body.

That's hand-cuffs, foreign body.
Look lower.

Yes, I'm listening. What orders do you have?
Connect me with London then.

Connect me with Buckingham palace.

Stocks? What stocks? Just sell them.
Yeah, all of them.

Is it London? Oh, London.
This is Polyan from trauma department speaking.

A little higher. Maybe, it's there?

Can you tell me clearly what we are looking for?

- It's dinner time, they've already started.
- Wait!

Can we turn him? I think it's on the side.
That's why we cannot see it.

- So tell me clearly what we are looking for?
- He swallowed my medal.

When I was arresting him, this b*stard managed to bite it off.
There's only suspension left on the jacket.

- So what we gonna do now?
- You're the doctor, you have to decide!

Can we do a surgery? We'll cut him, take it out
and them stitch him.

- With a general anaesthesia he won't even notice.
- What's wrong with you? It's the holiday!

Look, it's located really low.

We could get it out through the a*s.
There are special instruments,

different devices and stuff. The medicine isn't stuck now.

- You're nuts.
- Why are we overthinking about it?

Give him a glass of castor oil, it'll get out as a b*llet.
Let's go to the table.

Wait, doctor. It's located really low.

- Could we hook it?
- A medal?

Yeah, the medal. And we'll take out of him.
Let's try!

- Semenov, have you been injured?
- How injured?

- A ballistic head wound?
- No, I haven't.

So what's that?

That's a b*llet in my cap so that it doesn't fall onto my eyes.

So, doctor, what we gonna do with the medal?
It won't go out by itself.

- Where the hell am I?
- You're in a hospital.

What happened to me?

You have frozen your nose that's why your colleague,
our Russian Ded Moroz, has brought you here.

- Wow, those cripples rock.
- Castor oil, please.

Kolya, do you remember me?

He's from Salvation Army.

He's been to a factory on a charity event.
He's had something to drink.

Excuse me, is Kachalov here? I've got a phone call from Zhenya.

Have you seen a shorty in his P.J.'s and
an ear-flapped hat?

- No.
- Come in, then.

Thank you.

You've fallen with your face into snow
because vodka turned out to be fake.

You can develop brain damage because of such vodka
and you just fall down as if you've been shot.

And this is good vodka, you have a bucket of it.
Frau vodka.

Vodka without beer is a stupid waste of money.

See, another one. Where do they take them?

- I liked the first one. And you?
- I've got mine.

- I'm going to Kachalov.
- I figured it out.

- There you go.
- Merci.

And there's more of them coming.
Why would he need so many of them?

He got injured so much that I thought
he would forget about women at all.

- Stop talking about it.
- Then what should we talk about? Food?

- Let's talk about food. The cripples are dancing.
- Let them dance. They'll get tired more quickly.

For some reason it is supposed to add milled wallnut
to beef tongue.

But I prefer to add simple nuts.

- Bonsoir, madam.
- Mademoiselle.

- Mille pardon. Are you to monsieur Kachalov?
- Happy New Year.

Merci.

But if you don't have it,
you can add three bitter almonds,

that are soaked in whipped cream beforehand.

Stop talking about food.
I haven't eaten anything since morning.

Ok, let's talk about something else.
For example, I've already got plans for tonignt, there're people waiting for me.

Whom did you want to meet New Year with?
Alone or probably you've got someone?

- There's a girl.
- Is she pretty?

She can sh**t a coin from 150 steps distance with a g*n.

Ok, I see.

New Year, New Year...

Sorry, madam...

I've counted, now there's enough for everyone.

Can you imagine it, I was left alone
for the whole department today.

- Today I'm substituting the chief doctor.
- Doctor, can I have you for a minute?

Sure.

- Are they all yours?
- What do you mean?

Well, if you like someone, go ahead!

Leo Soloveichik, actor. I'll play Lenin.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

In ghostly faded colors dying
century fall.

Racking colored snow, I sit
in painted sledge.

A young man in the frenetic expl*si*n of hair and familiar
rogue whistle.

Will carry me to the churchyard,
whitewashing my head.

And forgot childhood snow gently whitewashed
widow boards.

World and my dear fellow century in a half-dead
banish garden.

I came to kiss the blood, heart, listen
deceased crunch

Under sickle ember poems as frozen
rowan bush.

Snitch in my blue eyes, hug with hot
autumn sun.

So I feel awake your silence
winter songs.

Darling, you were incredible.

- Thank you, thank you.
- I'm proud of you.

Soloveichik, drama. I'm the one who's
sitting, I'll be Lenin soon.

- It's a striking similarity.
- Really?

No, lord mayor cannot help us, we need the queen.
I'm perfectly aware how busy she is.

But please understand that only her
own presence can help the patients.

Where's she? On a cathedral mess? Ok, I'll wait.

Thank you, Zoinka.

I recommend you this blondy.
She's a decent and good person.

- A decent one?
- Absolutely.

I'm in the middle. I'm getting
ready to play Lenin.

- You know, you look like him.
- This is for you.

- Thank you very much.
- Excuse me, can I have you for a moment?

One moment. What?

- I demand satisfaction!
- I'm sorry?

- I don't like your nose.
- See, I've dealt with that.

I see that your nose is coming with a visit
earlier than mine for about an hour and half.

I guess, it's also bothering you while drinking.
Do you want me to bring you a big bowl

where you could sink your jealousy, and your nose as well.
This is how Sirano could have said it.

- Semenov, is everything all right? I've a glass for you.
- What glass?

Chief, let's go to the ladies, why are we standing here
when there are such ladies here.

- Wait! How are you doing?
- Great! Everything's on fire. Let's go.

- And you?
- Me...

Attention, please! The jury will announce the results
of the contest Miss Snow Maiden

that was held due to the celebrating of the New Year's
in men trauma department #2.

While understanding the highest level of the candidates,
the jury is announcing the results.

- And the winner is...
- One moment...

We have decided that there could be
no winners as well.

All of you here are such beautiful ladies,
especially our ladies

who are passing the treatment here.
In spite of the hardship,

they remained beautiful and innocent women.

You're our good ladies, we thank you.

Mademoiselle, can I ask you?
Maestro...

- What about your leg?
- The leg is bullshit.

Mademoiselle, I think I've seen you.

Senior warrant officer Rachkova, third airlanding troops squad,
comrade general.

- You visited us this summer.
- Oh, yeah, I remember.

- Are you serving in the headquarters?
- I'm an instructor.

You also criticized our skylift because of its lean.
You said that it's better even in yours...

So now the skylift is straight, comrade general.
Now it's erect like a...

Well, you were wearing camouflage.
How could I know that there are

such beautiful women among you.

- Nikolay, I need to go.
- Where? Everything is just starting.

- Do I need to use my weapon? Let's go.
- Excuse me.

Lucky them, they can run around like that.

I respect art very much, once I was
involved with one artist.

He could copy any painting,
even the author won't be able to tell the difference.

- Can he paint me?
- Absolutely, I'll arrange that.

How long will you be there? There's a lady waiting for me.
I think you've eaten something rotten.

But the dinner was kind of good.
I'm ok right now.

- Kolya, pass me some paper, please.
- Why do you need it?

Are you going to write a protocol?

- Semenov, stand up for a while, please.
- I can't.

Oh, those cleanies...

Thank you.

- Excuse me, Nikolay, are you...
- We'll be there soon.

- So what?
- Wait.

It's always like that, some turdpant will just
ruin your life.

Don't you worry, we've got plenty of it.

Gentlemen, the ladies are waiting.

Matter of all phenomena is given to us only
in empirical intuition.

General, why is he worrying all the time about vodka?
We've got plenty of it. And if it's not enough, we'll get it.

Phenomena form and matter. We often confuse
and combine these concepts.

- I'm fully supporting Kant in it.
- I respect good old Kant, too.

- He's talking not about vodka.
- Why does he keep saying 'shtof' and 'shtof' again?

He's telling you about philosophical stuff,
about soul, about matter.

Ok then. I thought that he's just a materialist
but we could talk about soul.

But you need to soak it in warm milk beforehand.

You add a glass of sugar for half a liter milk
and keep it for about two hours.

Until it's ivory,
then you take raisins,

steam it in the oven, it'll swell
and get very, very big.

I've had enough of you, let's go.
I'm gonna k*ll you,

if you will keep retelling me the cook book.

What? I'm not against it. What's up? Let's go.

Finally.

Easy, easy...

Third protected door from the left with a
numeric lock.

- Thank you.
- You shouldn't have done that.

Serega!

Hey, Serega! Come join us!
Gypsies will be here soon.

We're lucky to have a whole
gypsy band in the infections department.

They've got poisoned with oysters.
I think, they're just not used to it.

Once I ate a papaya on a road tour,
and I had to act as Othello.

I got so sick when Desdemona and I...



- Wait a moment, these are ball grenades.
- Over here!

Leva! Soloveichik! Help me, Leva!

I'm coming, I'm coming. What's up?
Kuzmichev, what's wrong with you?

Ok, lift it.

Devilled chickens.

It is clear. The doors are strong and the hinges are weak.


He also looked like that.

They are lucky, they got only bruises.

Yeah, they got stunned.

I enter the room, I thought Serega was on the bed,
and I just got hit into the back,

I got into the bathroom and found Serega there with this one.

Then Ded Moroz showed up, explosions,
we're all in the bathroom.

What happened? Ded Moroz, for some reason
I'm on the floor.

Do you need qualified help?
Oh, I remember you.

Do not smoke, it's so smoky here.
Everything is healing good with you.

But the size... Did you choose it yourself?

It's just the size. No one complained
but you...

- What should we do with these?
- Cast them, we'll think about it in the morning.

You'd better cement them.

It's weird, they don't have complicated fractures.

Well, they're strong guys.

How much time do you need? I am tired of waiting. Are you
planning to stay all the feast there?

Spear some toilet paper. The second roll is ending.

Kolya, what did you say about vodka with salt?
Can you ask someone?..

- Can you ask someone to bring it? Please.
- Help!

- We need to stop Semenov's diarrhoea!
- Why do you shout? Why do you need to make it public?

Do you think it'll be better if you
go into the pipes?

At leat they can dance, here people are suffering like flies.

I don't mind, i am even happy. I am only bit sad, you know?l

Yeah, it is a sad way to meet the New Year.

Lying in gypsum you cant dance, and you can't raise a glass.

It won't hurt them, will it?

You, Russians, have a very weird way
of treating people.

What? It's New Year's, after all.
Let guys have some fun. Happy New Year, you sick one!

Etienne smiled sadly.
Why would you need a cr*pple, madam?

You are completely ignoring me.
Natalie looked at him.

What, you don't love me at all now, do you?
How can I forget you? said Etienne.

But madam, how can be with you
with my hands like these.

He thrusted his hands in the gloves to her.

Her big dark eyes shut down with tears.

"Oh, Etienne!" whispered she and
kneed in front of him

kissing his hands with
hot kisses.

Perhaps, he can start having
phantom limb pain?

His fingers can become
as sensitive as they used to be.

Darling, it will have a better effect,
if his hands become alive again on her body.

Etienne's fingers touched Natalie's
naked shoulders.

Sharp pain like a blow pierced his hands.
He almost cried out in pain.

Natalie's body shuddered and tensed
in anticipation of the forgotten. . .

- Of the forgotten feeling?
- Of the forgotten passion.

Etienne hands slid smoothly through the body Natalie
and he felt

her thighs trembling and clung more closely
to her legs.

We could've sent you to bring death.
Come in!

Oh my God! I barely drank anything.

Do you want to say that vodka exists
only in our empirical contemplation?

Yes, but beside the empirical contemplation
vodka also has dimensions and image.

You, Germans, like to make everything so difficult.

- And what's important, you like to make it difficult not for others but for yourself.
- Yes, we do.

Let's combine this image
with the sensations.

- But how?
- We, Russians, do it like this.

No, thank you, I don't drink.

Where is that shorty?

f*ck it. Ok, I'm sold.

Sit here.

Hey, hello!

Listen, do you remember how can you
distinguish Primates by their sexual characters.

What secondary ones? I cannot see even the primary ones!

Thank you. Bye.

- Go there, she's waiting for you.
- You don't know her.

And do you know her! Just go!

- Look, I'm sorry, I was...
- Hey, it's me who should be sorry.

I have already forgiven you,
why are we still mad about each other like crazy?

They are dancing... Why do they dance?
They can break something...

- Why don't you dance?
- Am I sick or what?

Well, I am sick but I meant that
my sickness is of another nature.

That's why I cannot feel joy.

- You'd better bail.
- How should I do it?

Just like this.

What jokes you have!..

- It'll heal before your marriage.
- I guess it won't heal even before my death.

Why would you sympathize me, my sickness is incurable.

- What is wrong with you? Is it A*DS?
- They say it's something with my spinal cord.

This sickness doesn't even have a name.
You see, nothing but the wheelchair is moving.

- The sickness doesn't even have a name.
- They do such surgeries in the United States.

- That's the United States, lucky them.
- Why are we worse than them?

By the way, I've got a scientific magazine,
I'm sorry.

Such a surgery is described there.
But this article is in English.

Our general is a polyglot.
We'll study the article and do this surgery.

- You're absolutely crazy!
- Hey, and the doctor can help us.

Ok, let the traditional medicine help him too.
Just look at him!

We must do the surgery.
After all he cannot get worse.

Doctor, you've told us that it's an incurable case.
Right?

- Yes, I have.
- OK, we are doing the surgery.

But it's not an excuse to make experiment here.

Take it easy! We've got professor and the instruction.

Professor will be here any minute, the instruction is comprehensible.

Here he is. First he was with the gypsies,
then proceeded with the snow maidens...

Wait a minute! OK, let's get him back into normal shape.

I said, get him back into normal shape!

Well, doctor, now we are relying only on you,
only you can save the patient.

- Patient: William Parker.
- You're all nuts! I can stab him to death!

- And then I'll be suffering all my life!
- Shame on you!

The guy must be living his last seconds.
And we cannot help him.

- I know what we should do.
- If it wasn't for my hand!..

By the way, when I was a child
I removed my tonsils myself, even with anaesthesia.

Doctor, please don't drink beer, the surgery is complicated.

Do you need a surgery? I'll be like the professor now.
And you'll get your surgery!

Why do you always get into the business,
you have no clue what is going on here!

The surgery will be conducted
according to the scientific literature.

You're an idiot. You're just a naive idiot.
Do you do your business the same way?

- By the way, do you behave with women the same way?
- Again?

- What again?
- Are you talking some bullshit again?

- What bullshit? Get here!
- Women bullshit!

Doctor, it's time.

They need a surgery. Just a second,
I'm almost like professor! One more sip!

It's for consulting, I brought it just in case.

When I was in school, I was walking the hospital.

I don't remember the names of the instruments
but I can help.

Guys, do you at least understand
what needs to be done?

Look, you haven't washed your hands,
you probably can get me an infection.

And he's absolutely right.

It's written here: Dr. Johnson has thoroughly
washed his hands with the solution.

- Then the light was turned on.
- The light is on.

And we'll wash the hands, I'm sorry, the hand.

You should be wearing masks, gloves and robes,
and you're all wearing your P.J.'s.

And this one has a beard. He's definitely non-sterile.
And wash your hands!

Listen, do you want to do
the surgery on yourself?

He must be sedated, he's interrupting the surgery
with his remarks. It's working!

The screens of numerous monitors lit.

Dr. Johnson was watching nurse Gladis

treating the spine with a transparent solution.

- What solution?
- Can I be nurse Gladis?

Yes, you can.

What solution do you want to put on me?
This is not scientific text.

It's quite scientific, there's even a reference
where and when the surgery was performed.

It's there! And you just haven't washed your hands.
And this beardy one!

Johnson's assistant, Parkinson, has already
prepared thin contact needles.

- The cords were extending to the devices.
- We'll take the syringe needles.

The tensed silence of the OR
became filled with machine's buzz.

What machine? You're reading some bullshit!

Silence! Theatre in use!

I cannot talk now, theatre in use!
It's not a drama.

And not a comedy. I'll call you later!

Where is your incurable patient?
I'll do the surgery for him now!

What's wrong with you?
The patient is already ready. And you?

- Get him back in shape.
- I can help you.

- And the hands, the hands!
- Why is your gas not working on him?

- It should.
- Don't forget to wash your hands!

- Why is he motionless?
- No, it's working. He's delusioning.

OK, thank you!

- So you really want to do the surgery?
- You'll do it.


was sitting behind the device.

Device's arrow was at the point of 250.

His forehead was sweating because of the stress.

Thank you. He was watching Johnson.

- Oh my God!
- Oh my God! What am I doing?

Oh my God, may you give me strength,
whispered Johnson.

His hand took the contact needle
from nurse Gladis.

- He leaned to the patient.
- You're all drunk b*stards!

He's delusioning, definitely delusioning.

Watch this f*cking anesthesiologist!


with a nasty sound.

Johnson and Parkinson were placing them in 1,2 inches
from the spine.

An American inch is 25,4 mm.

I think it's bullshit.

Oh my God, I wish it worked.

Johnson was carefully watching
Parkinson's skillful work.

- They are doing magic there, they are plugging the device in.
- The assistant was noticeably stressed out.

It looked like the vessels on his temples
could blow because of the blood pressure.

- Kuzmichev, are you ready?
- Lyova, I'm afraid of blood.

What blood?

- What blood are you talking about?
- I promise, there would be no blood, probably.



- General, all the electrodes are inserted.
- I'm sorry.

- The patient's body shivered in convulsions.
- And ours is laying like a log.

It's late to retreat.

The patient's body shivered in convulsions again.

The reflexes are present, Johnson thought,
it means that we still have some hope.

Everyone froze in stressed anticipation.
It seemed like the seconds were lasting forever.

I should be at the surgery table.

And I have to wait here until everything comes out of you.

- Oh my God!
- It's too late to mention God.

It is said: he who digs a pit
for others falls in himself.

So I fell into the pit, Kolya.

Semenov?

When your medal comes out,
I'll bring it to your station. I promise.

Leave it with the officer on duty,
but don't forget to wash it.

- It's a male.
- Who?

Mamma!

- You f*cking medicians!
- Lyova, how are you?

Those b*stards could've written in the book

that the bed should be grounded.

I received...

- Look, what an electric shock I got!
- Come on, Lyouva. Come on.

- The surgery was successful.
- Hoorah!

What are you doing in the
operation block?

- Thank you.
- Doctor, can you hear me?

I congratulate you from all my heart.

You see, I told you.

Doctor, congratulations! Thank you, thank you.

Darling, look here, look at the position
of the needle dots.

If we add some dots here,
we'll have here: Happy New Year.

Let's add them! He'll wake up,
notice it, it will be nice.

Yes.

Do you need any qualified help?

General, why are you so sad?
Everything's all right, isn't it?

You see, this article described something
that never happened.

It's an April fool's joke, a fiction.

What have we done! I don't understand it.

You have no idea what woman you are!

When I saw you for the first time,
I was stunned!

What should we do? There are people here!

- Sorry.
- Excuse me.

- Doctor, where's the patient?
- What patient, which one?

Doctor, the patient is missing,
have you transferred him elsewhere?

Was there any patient?

I don't feel good about it.

I wonder, what we have done
according to this book?

- But he was breathing!
- And there was pulse!

Everything was fine!

- Have you seen our patient?
- It's me.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- Can you shave?
- Can't you see?

- Can you also fly?
- Not really. My sins are preventing me from it.

- Have you sinned?
- It happened.

- Understood. Ok, I won't be bothering you.
- Yes, yes.

How do you feel?

I'm a little dizzy.

This might be because of the anaesthesia.

- Doctor, have you seen my wheelchair?
- Your wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair?

- You've got this one, the mechanical one.

Oh, these people! One cannot leave his belongings even for a minute.

- Why do you need your wheelchair, if you are walking?
- I have my stash hidden in it.

- Do you have cigarettes?
- No.

Lucky you.

Please tell us how can you explain that such
important people decided to visit your department?

How did you prepare to meet
these important guests?

Do you have any connections in the government?

Ladies and gentlemen!
Please let my patient come in.

Where were you, my sick one?

Can you believe it, Ivanovich? I've gone around
half of the town. No one has your favourite candies.

Come in.

Mr. Epstein, please tell us
who was in charge of the negotiations?

Did you get the approval for the visit of such
important guests at once?

Ladies and gentlemen! Why are you freezing out there?
Please come in.

We are having some fun. You will not get bored.
You are welcome.