[dramatic music]
[energetic music]
[thunder crashes]
[footsteps tapping ground]
[train whistling]
[owl hooting]
[footsteps pattering]
[werewolf growling]
- Hello, and welcome to
"Dimension 20: Coffin Run."
I am your storyteller, Jasmine
"ThatBronzeGirl" Bhullar,
and today I'm joined by
our wonderful Fang g*ng.
How's it hanging, Fang g*ng?
- [Fang g*ng] Bleh!
[group laughing]
- You successfully manage
to outrun werewolves,
one of which was Aleksandr
Astrovsky's wife.
- [Izzy] My wife.
- Your wife, reunited once again.
You were able to successfully
rescue Florina and Drago
from the carriage just before
it was completely crushed
and thrown into a gully, I
guess, by a giant freight train.
And you stand on a swinging
bridge above a swirling abyss.
The mist here rises almost like claws,
kind of gently raking their
fingers on the wooden bridge,
on those logs underneath your feet.
You hear faint whispers
blow, almost like an inhale
and an exhale. [inhales
and exhales softly]
[dramatic music]
Dawn begins to break. The
moon is officially gone.
Your wife is safe from
another transformation.
And you see backlit by
the dawn's first rays
a woman standing on the freight train.
Her hair picked up by the morning breeze,
flapping gently in the wind
and her many skirts kicked
up the breeze as well.
You recognize her.
- I think I know who this is.
- [Izzy] I think I know who they are.
- Something else happens.
As the dawn's light hits May and Squing,
you feel yourselves greatly
weakened with the sun's power.
Almost like children, you
become human-like once more.
- Oh, nuts.
- I gotta go to bed.
- She jumps down from the
train in one sweeping motion,
kicking up her skirt as she does so.
You notice that in between the layers
and fabrics of her skirt
there are long scrolls
with wax seals on them
inscribed with all kinds
of runes and scriptures,
hymns and prayers,
the likes of which you've never seen.
And you realize as you
stand in the courtyard
of dear, sweet home, you are not alone.
You feel the bracelet on
your arm kind of warm a bit.
Give me an arcana check or investigation.
Oh, it's gonna be investigation.
Natural 20.
[players gasp]
And I have a +11.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, yeah.
You realize around your wrist
is a very ancient... [laughs]
[Erika laughing]
- What is it? Where are these moves?
- Zero, two zero.
- [Carlos] Oh, okay, okay,
okay, it's good. [laughs]
- [Erika] He's in his mind palace.
- We're gonna celebrate.
- Oh, no, I like it.
It's like, I thought you were doing
some Naruto jutsus or something.
- It's also that.
[Jasmine laughing]
- It's not not that.
- [Jasmine] It's not not that.
You realize that this
intricately created charm
around your wrist purchased
at a reasonable price
by yours truly from a World Market.
- [Carlos] A reasonable-
- Submit your receipt for reimbursement.
[group laughing]
- Is a protection charm,
and that the wearer
of the other one always knows
the whereabouts of the first.
- Oh, m*therf*cking b*tch!
[Carlos groans]
Did that AIMS b*tch track me?
Give me my contraptions
detector back, f*cking b*tch!
- [Jasmine] Would you say this?
- Well... [laughs]
- [Carlos] Well...
- Uh, yeah.
In an Eastern European accent.
[Erika laughing]
- [Jasmine] Okay, yeah.
- I like that one.
- She says to you, "My
quarrel is not with you."
- Oh my God, I f*cked up so bad.
- You really did.
- Wow, that's completely on you.
A technology that I understood completely.
- I f*cked up so-
- Oh my God!
She gave you a bracelet?
- Can I have the bracelet?
- Nobody should take the
bracelet. Get rid of it.
- [Zac] Get rid of it, yes.
- I gave a monster slayer
a tracking device on me.
- [Erika] Why'd you do that?
- But you have a treaty!
- At least you didn't
lose anything in exchange.
- There was a treaty,
but when you see an
opportunity, you take it.
- That's not how treaties work.
- Treaties are, you may not,
I'm sort of a timeless being.
I've seen a lot of treaties.
Treaties are rules you
kind of make for yourself
that you keep and that is
sort of the point of them.
- Am I the only one who
thought treaties were snacks?
- They are treaties.
- You know, where you just go down
and give yourself a little treaty?
- You have a little
piece. That's a treaty.
- A little treaty.
- [Zac] If I were to eat Florina,
I would say that she would be a treaty.
- [Jasmine] "What?
Zayde, don't let this strange squishy head
weird damn looking man hurt me."
- Never, is this monster
slayer lady a human?
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- I'm gonna walk up to her
and take the bracelet off.
- Make a constitution saving throw.
- [laughs] Oh, it's a trap.
- Oh, it's a trap.
- That's an oopsy-doopsy.
- You know what's really funny to me?
I made a calculated choice in that moment
to give Aleksandr the ring- or the charm
even though Aleksandr has
magical identify goggles
and never used them.
- [Carlos] Oh.
- Oh.
- They're not goggles.
I have Careful Study.
- Oh!
- Oh, so you just assumed
he would have studied the-
- It was risk! It was a calculated risk.
I was playing 4D chess.
- And the fun part about playing
a very dumb character is,
you can't like-
- [Izzy] Who's dumb?
- Uh, me.
- Me.
- [Zac] Same.
- Me.
- Me.
- We're all,
we all knew as players.
- Just us.
- None of us as characters
would have even-
- Yeah.
- Had to do it.
- [Carlos] Well, I mean like-
- I was jealous of the bracelet.
- It makes sense for Aleksandr
'cause they'd seemed on the level.
- Yeah.
- Um, 12.
- You feel it tighten around your wrist
and you feel like your hand gets heavy.
- [Izzy] Mm-hmm.
- It's a trap.
- Could I touch her?
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- I'm gonna take her wrist and say,
"Would you take if off, please?"
And give her a necrotizing injection.
[mystical music]
- Roll initiative!
[players yelling]
But also damage.
- Okay!
[Carlos groans]
- Okay.
- Uh-oh, we're in trouble.
[Zac and Carlos laughing]
- So I'm rolling initiative
and then my attack?
- Mm-hmm.
So yes, you do get the
necrotizing touch off
before they realize what's happening,
but you still need to roll initiative
for the rest of your initiative-
- [Izzy] Okay, cool, that was 16.
- That was 16.
- [Izzy] Of my initiative-
- Perfect.
- Dirty 20 to hit.
- [Jasmine] Dirty 20 to hit. That hits.
- What does Necrotizing Touch do?
- It's Inflict Wounds.
- Ooh.
- Eight, nine, 13...
- [Jasmine] 18 damage, perfect.
- For us, does this mean,
do we have spells still or?
- Yes, so you do have spells.
You just find yourselves losing
access to certain abilities.
Let me tell you what they are.
- [Erika] Oh boy.
- It'll be the ones that you get
by virtue of being a vampire.
You're no longer able to feed.
Squing, you cannot take
your form of dread.
You cannot use your Armor of Shadows
or become one with the shadows.
- [Izzy] Oh, and I'm gonna use
that as a second-level spell.
- And you lose your vampiric bite.
- So I would still have
my spells. Do I have-
- You still have your spells, yeah.
- Okay, do I lose the warlock thing?
You know, like the spells that are not one
of my spell slot spells
kind of things like?
- No, no, no, you can cast
all of those as normal.
It's just the stuff that you
get from being a vampire.
- [Zac] So Tomb of the Vampire I would-
- Yeah, Tomb of the Vampire.
I think Devil's Sight is
one of the ones you get.
Beast Speech, One with Shadows.
Armor of Shadows is a pact
feature of being a warlock
so you still get that, and
then for May, Eyes of Dark,
Strength of the Grave you no longer have.
You still have all your sorcery abilities.
Deathless Nature, Spider Climb,
those are things you're losing,
and you can't Vampiric Bite
or expend blood points
to refill your pool.
So whatever you're working with right now
is what you're working with.
- [Erika] Okay.
- Out of curiosity, how many
spell slots do you have?
- Gosh, I have 10 blood points,
but I think I only have one spell slot.
- I have six. I have six.
- You know, this has been
a very unwise decision that
I've made to attack this woman.
- Hey, betrayal, I get it.
- [Carlos] I think it's good.
- And I'm gonna cast that at second level
because I don't have any
first-level spell slots left.
- Okay.
- [Izzy] So I'm gonna roll another D-
- Yes, go ahead.
- And that's an extra five.
- An extra five bringing you up to 23.
- Squing, what is your initiative?
- A nine.
- I'm so sorry.
- [Jasmine] A nine, perfect, Wetzel.
- Sort of...
- [Carlos] Seven.
- Seven, really knocking
it out of the park
on these initiatives.
- Yeah, I know.
- May.
- Oh, 17.
- 17, and then we are
rolling for our hunters.
A 19 for Daciana.
A nine for Feng.
Tatanka with a two.
And a nat 20 for Samir in the back here.
- Do you think my fly
spell would still be active
or would the Sun have undone?
- That's a magic you cast
using your spell slot so 100%.
- We're all gonna die.
- Someday.
- I mean, I guess we would have probably
gone into initiative anyway, right?
- Maybe.
[tense music]
- [Zac] I think so.
- I like to live dangerously.
There should be stakes.
- Well, vampires.
- Hey, we're vampires.
- Yes, do not ever feel that
you've made a poor decision.
There are no poor decisions in D&D.
- This is our game.
- [Jasmine] She gave it to
you 'cause she likes you.
She really doesn't want to hurt you.
- Hey, good intentions.
- Yeah, I know, but her quarrel
is with somebody that
you're traveling with
so she did take advantage
and use your trust,
and you have every right
to be upset about that.
You have every right
to be upset about that.
- Can you take this f*cking
bracelet off me right now?
- Huh?
- Take it off, take it off.
Cut it off.
- No, no, no, I can't.
- So you did 23 damage.
As you inject her with
this necrotizing solution
I'm gonna go ahead and move you here.
- [Izzy] Yes.
- You see her flesh kind of
begin to blacken and curl back
almost like paper being set afire.
That's how strong this is.
- Looks like Wetzel.
- [Jasmine] Exactly.
Utter just disgusting.
- Ew!
- And it smells twice as bad
'cause Wetzel smells good.
- [Izzy] Oh no, supposing.
- So just, it could just be bad.
You don't have to say twice as bad.
You could just say, "They smell bad."
No comparison to Wetzel.
He smells pretty good.
That's okay. We would've
taken both answers but-
- Just like him, disgusting.
[Carlos and Erika laughing]
As a clean, normal-looking
man, I can say that.
- And as you do, you hear a loud bang
[g*nsh*t rings out]
from across the courtyard.
[Erika gasps]
As one of the sn*pers
posted up behind this
tree takes a shot at you.
- [gasps] Sasha!
[Carlos gasps]
- Does a 16 hit?
- Meets it beats it?
- Yeah, meets it beats it.
- So you have an armor class
of 16 so I think it hits you.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah, 'cause it's meeting.
And that also applies
for the players, too.
If you meet it you beat it.
- Okay, yes, it does.
- [Jasmine] Okay, so then you take-
- But as a reaction...
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm.
- Oh f*ck! I'm out of spell slots.
- [Carlos] Can you punch a b*llet?
- [Jasmine] Do you have a reaction?
- [Izzy] Huh?
- Do you have a reaction?
- Can I fly as a reaction?
- No, you can't fly as a reaction.
- But would the flying potion
still be something we can use?
- [Carlos] How long do they last?
- Yeah, how long does your flight last?
- 10 minutes.
- Yeah, yeah, so it would
still be active at this point.
You probably have five minutes left on it.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- [Jasmine] So that means you can fly.
- I can do it after I get shot.
- Yeah, mm-hmm, perfect.
You take 12 points of damage.
- [Izzy] Okay.
- And then he is going
to take the hide action.
- [Zac] Damn it.
- And you no longer see him.
- I mean, there's only one tree.
I mean, he's gotta be at
that tree, right? [laughs]
- Who could say, though?
- He disappeared out of-
- There's that tree, but I
don't know. He's invisible.
- [Carlos] He looks like a burrower.
- You smell the gunpowder in the air
and then you see the poor doctor
clutch the back of his shoulder
as a pool of blood begins to form.
You feel horrible pain as a b*llet goes,
one of those small, old-timey round ones
goes through your back shoulder
blade and out the front.
- [Izzy] It's just like my childhood!
[Carlos and Erika laughing]
- No!
- Wow, what happened?
- We used to play sh**t the kid.
- That's a horrible game.
I can't imagine that-
- So fun.
- It's even a sustainable game.
- Oh, very fun.
- Isn't it over almost immediately?
- Yeah, it's a very fun, fast game.
- And it is Daciana's turn.
On her turn you see her pull
from her skirt one long scroll
and throw it here.
- [Zac] sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t-
- We're gonna mark it with
a fire but it's not a fire.
And then she is going
to try to move past you.
You do get an opp attack on her.
Five, 10, 15, 20.
And then try to see if she has
anything to deal with Drago.
Okay, amazing. He definitely
has less than 150 hit points.
- Oh no!
- So you see her speak
[Erika gasps]
one ancient word, "Bandh karo."
And as she does, you see
Drago become stunned.
She uses Power Word Stun on him.
- [Carlos] Hmm.
[Erika gasps]
- [Jasmine] And moves past him.
- [Carlos] Do I get an opportunity?
- You do, yeah, 'cause she would move
through the adjacent square.
- We both get opportunity attacks?
- [Carlos] This is...
- [Izzy] Are we taking it yet?
- Yeah, you can take it now.
- Okay, she has to make a dex save.
- Are you doing like a regular attack or?
- Doing a cantrip.
- I wonder if, you might
not be able to do cantrips.
- Yeah, it has to be something that,
yeah, it's usually a melee attack.
- [Izzy] Oh, okay.
- Does 14, 14 hit?
- I'll try and stab her
in the f*cking head.
- A 14, let me look here.
- [Zac] Use your dagger.
- Gotcha.
- Yeah.
I can't take a potion as a...
- I'll allow you to do it
if it's a potion you
can take as a reaction.
- Can I do my new potion as a reaction?
- Sure. On yourself?
- [Izzy] Yeah.
- Okay.
- What's the new potion?
Is that the one you have
to roll from a table?
[player gasps]
- Don't k*ll me, D&D people.
Yes, you can take your
potion as a reaction.
Roll a d6.
[player gasps]
This is the one containing
Dracula's blood.
- Oh my God. You're gonna drink it?
- Yeah, am I f*cking up?
- [Erika] No!
- [Carlos] Do you have
any idea what it does?
- No.
- [Erika] No.
- Oh hell yeah. Roll that
f*cking dice. [laughs]
[dramatic music]
- [Jasmine] Four.
- Give me, that's mine.
- Oh, yeah. [laughs]
No, it's mine now!
- It's a part of the-
- The elixir absorbs the d6.
- What's gonna happen?
- You chug a Four Loko. You black out.
- This is actually the
middle of the road result.
I have some bad results
and some good results.
You heal 2d12 damage as
your body becomes envigored
with the blood of Dracula.
- [Erika] Oh.
- Okay.
- [Carlos] Okay, hmm.
- [Erika] Yeah.
- But also your eyebrows look weird.
[group laughing]
- They already do.
- You have a feeling though that sometimes
there are other things
that this potion can do.
- That's the only time
I can take it today.
- A new day has dawned.
- [Carlos] How much did you gain?
- Eight.
- Amazing.
So Daciana throws down
a strange scroll here.
You see the fabric of reality
kind of ripple as she does so.
She moves deftly kind of
weaving in and out of you
casting a Power Word Stun on Drago,
kind of dodging under Wetzel's
attack arriving behind here
and then she's going to hold her action.
You see her eyes are fixed on one thing
and one thing only, Dracula.
It is then May's turn.
- May calls out, "Who is
your quarrel with and why?"
- And you hear her say angrily,
"He wasn't supposed to come back."
- "Why did he leave?"
- "That's not my business to tell,
but according to the deal, he
wasn't supposed to come back."
- "We get peace in return
for him not returning?"
- "For now."
- "What if we told you
that we wouldn't heal him.
Would the terms of the treaty be valid?"
- "Yes."
- "Every one of us has
a grievance against him.
We love him, but he has to be
accountable for his actions
so we're gonna take him,
but you have our word
that we will not try to revive him.
Let us pass."
- She waves down over to
the other AIMS hunters
and she says, "We never wanna
fight if we don't have to."
And they all retreat from the b*ttlefield
leaving you to pass.
[Erika sighs in relief]
"But if you lie, I will find you."
And she walks across the bridge,
hair flowing in the breeze.
[Erika sighs]
And you exit initiative.
- We did what we had to do.
Besides, once he's back, I mean,
what are they gonna do, attack us?
- [chuckles] I mean...
- I would be careful.
I don't know if there's any
sort of hearing technology.
- Do they have like a big ear?
- On my new accessory.
- "Oh my God, Aunt May, you are so smart.
You are so beautiful. I was thinking same.
I thinking, 'How dumb are they?
They're just going to take our word
when we are demons of the night?'"
And you see she's taken two pieces of corn
and put them on her fangs.
- Where'd you find corn?
- "I always have corn with me.
All the children carry
corn in Transylvania."
[Erika laughing]
- It's been a very long
time since I've been a kid,
and well, some things stay the same.
- "Would you like this ear of corn?
You look a bit like it.
The head is large and
crinkled much like yours.
If I draw two eyes on it
like this, it looks like you.
Boom, boom, boom, I'm Uncle Squing."
- Oh, I see three of me.
[players laughing]
What are we doing?
- Let's go, let's get out-
- [Carlos] Is Drago still...
- [Erika] Drago, you doing okay?
[Carlos laughs]
- [Jasmine] Yeah.
- [Carlos] Is he still locked up or?
- [Jasmine] Yeah, you actually-
- [Carlos] Is that scroll
thing still going too?
- [Jasmine] Yeah, you actually,
if you want to investigate it, you can.
- [Carlos] Yeah, that's what I want to do.
- You actually see on Drago,
as you're looking at him, on his shoulder
you do see a small ribbon of fabric
kind of like affixed with
a strange spectral seal.
- Oh, God. Stay away from the ribbon.
- I don't...
[players laughing]
- [Jasmine] Give me a
sleight of hand check.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
- [Zac] Ooh.
- Yeah, you're able to sort of disarm it.
This is kind of your bag.
You have a metal arm.
You're able to sort of
manipulate this strange,
ethereal fabric and as
you do it kind of turns
into thin strings and
disappears and Drago comes to.
- "Oh, um, you had something
on your shoulder there."
- "I do not know what
I would do without you.
You remind me of my dead wife."
- Um... He like, looks over his shoulder.
- [Izzy] Okay....
- "You wanna check out
the scroll thing with me?"
- "I would love to."
- [Izzy] Okay, they're gonna make-
- [Carlos] "Okay."
- [Izzy] They're gonna make-
- He looks down at the scroll with you.
- [Zac] Chemistry.
- [Jasmine] Give me an arcana check.
- They're gonna make g*y porn about you.
[Carlos laughing]
They're going to.
- If I know the internet.
- Seven.
- And I think I do.
- Don't worry. Drago rolled very high.
- [Carlos] Okay.
- [Izzy] They're gonna
make g*y porn about you.
- He looks down on it and he
says, "This is very old magic.
Sometimes would see women in village
including my mother-in-law's
family before my wife passed,
now they do not talk to me anymore,
but when they cared for me they
would oftentimes sew pieces
of spells like this into my clothing
to keep me safe on my way.
Old magic, powerful magic."
- "What's it doing on the bridge though?
How does even it sustain itself?
It looks like it's a tear in reality."
- "Those who mean ill will to the bearer
find it very difficult to
pass, but those who don't..."
He puts his hand through
and touches the seal and removes it.
"Have no difficulty." He hands it to you.
- Oh, snap!
Oh wow. Would I know how to use this?
Or am I feeling anything
when I hold it or?
- Yeah, give me an investigation check.
- Five. I am lost in Drago's eyes.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, yeah.
- Oh!
- He's holding your hands
with the scroll in them.
- [Izzy] [gasps] Okay!
- And you have no clue
how to use it but he says,
"If you are in great danger,
I believe it will protect
you if your heart is true."
- "Cool, oh."
- "It could not protect my wife, though."
- [Izzy] Oh.
- "We're gonna work on that."
[Jasmine laughing]
Takes it, takes it.
Drago's had a huge glow up
from the beginning of like,
hating life, hunchback.
- [Izzy] I know!
- We had a total "She's All
That" moment where he like,
has a g*n now, straight back,
knows stuff about magic.
- Invisalign.
- Yeah.
- I'm not upset at all that we, ahem,
you know, didn't get in the fight
with the really cool minis
and the really cool mechanics.
- That's, I mean, there's still time.
- We really, really, there's still time.
- [Jasmine] There is.
- I would be dead so fast.
- [Erika] Yeah, we'd all be.
- I have no spell slots.
- Very dead. [laughs]
- I think we can handle 'em.
- [Jasmine] It's okay.
It's okay, I'm fine.
- How far away from the castle are we?
- You're right there.
You kinda just have to go
up this drive to the hill.
- [Carlos] Okay, gotcha.
- It always looks like it's far away.
- [Carlos] Gotcha.
- 'Cause it's always on the
horizon like a black mark.
- Forced perspective.
- In four or five days
when we get there...
[group laughing]
We should make camp.
- Let's head in.
I'm surprised Dimitri
isn't here to greet us,
but okay, let's head in.
- As you head in up the drive
to those familiar, familiar steps
and you see those large black
lacquered doors slowly open,
you see a familiar face to all of you.
You see Madam Malquet, sort
of the head of the house.
You see her holding a
crate with her desk plant,
all of her tchotchkes, some framed photos,
and she is crying as she walks
out the door with her box.
- "Excuse me, excuse me."
- "Oh, Lord Squing."
- "Did you get...
Tell me you weren't let go."
- "Oh." [sobs]
- "What's, who has the authority to?"
- "We were gone. Who fired you?"
- And next, or right behind her you see
with another small box and
some tchotchkes Dimitri.
[Erika gasps]
[Jasmine mimics crying]
- "Hang on, hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."
- "Listen, buddy, this
was a long time coming.
[Erika laughing]
I think we all knew.
I think we all felt it. You've
been slipping for a while."
- [Zac] "Look, I uh..."
- "I'm not gonna say I'm surprised."
[Erika stammers]
- "Maybe I will land on my feet."
- "You definitely will."
- "But this doesn't make any sense.
We have the Count."
- "Who would have done this?"
- "We lost the house."
- "What?"
- "What? I mean..." [stammers]
- "How?"
- "Well, these people showed up and said
that Dracula is dead
and that..." [sniffles]
- "Well, kind of dead, I mean..."
- "And that they're going to inherit it
as the closest relations
and then they fired me."
- "Forget this, we have to get
down inside of the mountain
so that we can fix it."
- "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but what's that
about the closest relatives
inheriting the estate?
[Jasmine mimics weeping]
Who?"
- "The Ward with the court
and this big-boobied wife."
- "I mean, when you add crying
to the already difficult speech."
- [Carlos] "It's really
hard. It really is."
- "It's like I'm drowning."
- "It's so difficult.
It's so difficult for me in this time.
It's just too, with the difficult-"
- [Carlos] "Okay, I see the reason."
- "Do you know how to
write letters yourself?
Maybe we could read one of those letters."
- "Yes, I have your accursed
letters, Lord Squing."
- But also like-
- Oh, well-
- "He was asking you to
write it down so that-
- [Carlos] "But also like..."
- "Oh, I got another letter?"
- "I found it while
cleaning under your bed."
And at this your hear Madam Malquet,
her hair pulled back into a big bun,
her beautiful aprons now kind of like,
they don't have their normal
crispiness and starchness.
It looks like she's been wiping her nose
with the edge of them.
She says, [sobs] "Yes, I found it
while cleaning under the bed.
You need to clean your room, Lord Squing."
- "I have been alive
since the dawn of time."
- [Jasmine] "And never once
have you folded your sheets!"
- "And I've never once cleaned
my room. What is a fold?"
- "Classic male behavior."
- "We don't have time for this!
We have to heal the Count!"
- "Oh yeah, okay, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We gotta go to the Count's room."
- "Well, you'll have a
difficult time getting in.
The entire castle is in disarray.
They've sold off pieces of
it as a historical monument.
Your lab is being used! Used!"
[group chuckling]
- "What did you say about the lab?"
- "By medical students!
[Erika laughing]
Used!"
- "The lab is being used?"
- "They've broken half the beakers."
- [Carlos] "At least it's not being used."
- "I literally don't give a
f*ck about anything anymore."
And I'm going to use my last spell slot
and take a transformation potion.
And I'm gonna Mr. Hyde myself.
[Jasmine gasps]
- Like the last, the Doom Box one?
- No, no, I have a transformation potion
that casts Alter Self.
- [Jasmine] Uh-huh.
- And I'm gonna be a big
old, bad old m*therf*cker
and I'm gonna stomp it up in there.
- Do it! [claps hands] Do it!
- It's done!
- Okay, you turn.
Your body begins to transform.
What do you look like?
- I look like buff Squing.
[group laughing]
[Izzy moans]
- [Carlos] Like looking into a mirror.
- And you hear her say... [moans]
- [Zac] It's exactly what I look like.
- [growls] Get out of my way!
- [Jasmine] And you begin to-
- Medical students!
[Jasmine laughing]
It's like, knocking over boxes.
- Yes, yes, as you go into the foyer
you do notice that it is altered.
All of the usual paintings of you
and the rest of the household
have been taken down.
Velvet ropes have been erected
in the large, sweeping halls
and you see people in there
discussing renovations.
You see all of your favorite
t*rture accoutrements,
iron maidens, racks being pulled out
and replaced with tasteful
vases and tchotchkes
from a Barrel & Crate store.
- This was an iron maiden.
No, these are foam spikes.
Who puts foam in an iron
maiden? What fun is that?
- Squing looks at the ropes and is like,
"Is there anything worse than
historical preservation?"
- No. Get out!
- Oh, the ropes! [laughs]
- How do we pass by them? They're velvet.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, as you're saying this
we'll get to that in a moment.
- Okay. [laughs]
- You just feel a small tug
on your frilly sleeve and a,
"Well, I suppose I can do
with more distress, little,
and if you want to hire me back
or write me a recommendation
I would apprecuate it."
- Apprecuate it.
- Oh. [sighs]
- His eyes bleary, "Here you go."
- Sweet boy.
- There's snot and tears on it.
- Good.
- Now you're letter rich.
- [chuckles] I used to have zero letters,
and now I have two.
- And whichever ones are still stuck
in your digestive tract.
- Which is all of them,
so I guess I should say
I have a couple thousand letters.
[dramatic music]
"Dearest Squing, as I make ready
to depart across the ocean,
I find myself becoming
more and more sentimental
at the thought of leaving you.
Your constant companionship
over the past few hundred years
has been indispensable to me
and in you I find a confidant,
but more importantly, a friend."
Oh, "Which is rare for me in my old age."
Right back at you, buddy.
"Make sure that Wetzel
doesn't get bullied by Setzer.
Make sure that the household staff
is fairly compensated and taken care of.
Make good on all of your
treaties and promises
and look after all of the
wives, especially May.
She can get lonely.
And as for Dr. Aleksandr,
make sure his lab is always well-supplied
and that his letters make
it to their destination."
I don't know.
Who knows what it, maybe to my stomach.
And "Sincerely, Dracula."
And then I guess he reads the part
that maybe was just for him.
It seems important.
And then he also said, "I
don't intend to come back,
but I have every confidence
that you will rise to the occasion
and lead the household
to glory in my absence.
Life has lost its luster for me,
and I don't know what will become of me,
but try to tell the others gently."
Isn't that just f*cked up?
- I just keep thinking
of Aleksandr, this...
- Big, beefy, so all of this
intimate moment is happening
and we're just dumbstruck and
then meanwhile there's people-
[Izzy groaning]
Like, running around
in this historically
preserved living room.
Aleksandr is wrecking sh*t up.
- Sadness.
- I, um...
I guess he wasn't intending to come back.
- And he couldn't tell us?
- Maybe that was a way to...
Maybe he just didn't know how.
- He was just gonna leave us?
- As you say this, Aleksandr,
give me a strength saving
throw with advantage
since you are Hyded out.
- 18.
- Now it's like a kaiju fight.
Coming down the hall dragging
a tiny little pot behind it
you see a large plant.
It has many leaves kind
of striated out from it
kind of like a hibiscus
with beautiful green
and purple striations,
and in the middle of it
you see a strange beak-like mouth
and you see it kind of
closing the leaves in unison
[mimics leaves slapping] coming down
and then using its kind
of petals and leaves
to drag this tiny, little vase behind it
going, "Sebastian hungry!"
And he comes and tries to bite you,
but you are able to block it with that 18,
grabbing and holding
both of the petals open.
- "We were in the middle
of something, plant."
- Huh? What is happening?
- Do we know this plant?
- Yeah.
- It was mentioned in a former letter.
It might have been Wetzel's
job to feed Sebastian.
- Oh, that's the, okay.
Didn't realize it was that big.
Listen guys...
- "I got it. You have your moment."
- No, that's my bad.
That's my bracelet, if anyone's wondering.
That's my bracelet right up there.
- I see, I see, I see.
- Sorry about that, ooh.
What is he? Can I roll to...
Do I remember what, where's
his food, how to feed him?
- Yeah, give me a nature check.
- [Carlos] Okay.
- Or survival.
- Okay, they're both, well, survival.
Seven.
- You know that there's something
somewhere in the greenhouse for him.
You don't really remember when
because Setzer maybe covered
it a lot of the time for you.
- Um, uh...
- It is okay
if I just sort of like,
try to hold it off?
- You can restrain it, for sure.
- [Izzy] Yeah.
- Give me an athletics check.
- No, no.
- [Jasmine] No?
- I'll be right back.
- It emits a strange sticky substance
that it uses to trap its prey
and kind of slips out of your hands
with this strange lubricant.
It feels almost like velvet
as it emits over your hands.
- I called it.
- And its head slips out from
between both of your arms
and it begins to go into the foyer
eating some of the velvet ropes
and eating some of the people,
the Historical Society individuals.
- [Izzy] "Good job, plant!"
- Actually, that problem
kind of took care of itself.
- You know, this is why I don't
have plants in my own room.
- Yeah, I just tend to like,
they tend to die in mine.
- I'm running to the green
room to get his food.
- Okay, yeah, you run to the green room.
In the interim you see
medical students streaming out
from the spire that you
know houses your laboratory
with the beautiful glass dome at the top
and the beautiful weather vane
from which you conduct electricity.
You see one of the students holding it
and it's very clearly bent
in three different places
and they're like, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure
I could like, fix this at home.
Like maybe if we just like-
- "Get the f*ck out!"
- "What the f*ck?"
And you see the medical
students, at least some of them,
drop the strange electricity
lightning conductor
on the ground and run out of
the open doors of the castle.
♪ Food, food, where is food ♪
- Where's-
- [Zac] Kind of a lot of people-
- Uh, this is...
- Where's the bedroom? Where's the room?
How do we get to the basement?
- [Zac] Yes.
- You know that Dracula's
chambers are hidden away
at the back of the castle
where the ancestral burial ground is.
There's a mausoleum in which the members
of the household are all buried.
This will surely be your
destination one day.
- Can we talk for a second first?
- Yeah, go right ahead.
- We're taking him there,
but as we take him there I want to be,
make sure we're all on the same page.
Those mean hunter people
are probably gonna come
right after we do that, right?
- Yeah, and daddy's gonna f*ck 'em up!
- I mean, let's get him in there.
I don't know how long it takes.
We might have to hold
them off for a little bit.
- Well, all right. Yeah.
Let's have a little snack though,
have a snack on the way in.
- Yeah, give me
intelligence saving throws.
- Oh boy. Oh God!
- [Izzy] Everybody?
- Yeah, anybody that's in
on this conversation, yeah.
- Four.
- 13.
- 13.
- [Zac] 14.
- 14, okay, so with a 13 and a 14 you know
that from the grievous damage he's taken,
he's not gonna be able
to pop out of that coffin
and come swinging,
especially during daylight.
You think it's best to
wait until nighttime.
- To put him in there or to-
- Yeah, you know he's gonna
have to rest during the day
like he won't be able to come
out and immediately fight.
- Well, we can just put him in there and-
- If we feed Cornelius,
that would be a great help later on.
He's looking for food.
- Sebastian? Is it called Sebastian?
- Sebastian.
- Oh, I thought it was Cornelius.
- Is it? Oh my gosh, it is Cornelius.
It is Cornelius. In one
iteration it was Sebastian.
It's actually Cornelius.
- Oh, that's what I thought.
- They have so many plants
and he's named all of them
because he is a good plant daddy.
- Sebastian's great. Never
have to worry about Sebastian.
- Sebastian ate Cornelius
'cause there's more than one plant.
- No!
- [Carlos] Oh, okay.
- And actually, as you go
into the back you do notice
most of the greenhouse
is empty at this point.
- Oh no.
- All of the blooming jasmines
have been eaten, all of
the beautiful flowers,
the Stargazer lilies,
the orchids, all torn,
stems and petals everywhere and eaten.
- So this is Sebastian.
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- Okay, gotcha.
- [Zac] Wow.
- Canonically.
- Ooh, I messed up.
- My pothos!
- Your what?
- [Erika] My pothos.
- Your pozos?
- Pothos.
- [Zac] Pozos?
- Pothos.
- Right. [laughs]
- Sebastian's not gonna stop eating!
- Okay, there's gotta be some
sort of food in here for him.
- Yeah, give me perception checks.
- Can I help?
- [Jasmine] Yes, of course.
- Meanwhile, I'm gonna go nibble on
an historical society member.
- My God I'm rolling horribly.
- Or a medical, no one
of the medical students.
- [Zac] Can I give you a help action?
- As they're coming out.
- I don't know, I mean-
- Well, it's not nighttime yet.
- [Erika] Oh, f*ck!
- You still have your baby teeth.
- All right, damn it.
- [Zac] Perception.
- Seven.
- [Izzy] We should all sleep.
- Yeah, but I can't sleep.
- Yeah, it takes you time,
but you're able to find something.
What did you roll? I'm sorry.
- I just rolled a 12.
Yeah, and so I'm trying
to help him find it.
- Yeah, yeah, the both of
you manage to find something
that you think, it's got a
picture of a flower on it.
- [Carlos] Oh, okay.
- Of a flower that matches
the kind of rough shape
if you look and squint at it closely
of Cornelius and Sebastian.
- Ooh, ooh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is good, this is good.
Oh, we'll just lay it out right
here right in front of him.
No sudden movements.
- It's always so difficult
when you're taking care
of someone else's pet, you know?
It's like, they're always peculiar
in a way you don't understand.
- Yeah, you don't understand their moods,
but then at the end you
kinda get it, right?
- And then it's like,
I wish I'd gotten this.
- So yeah, I wish we had more time.
- So the second time it'll be easier.
- [Carlos] Exactly.
- After it eats everything.
- [Jasmine] As you say this.
- Eat it, you dumb green.
[laughs] You dumb green b*tch,
you better eat this all up.
- As you say that, you see
him kind of turn around,
see the both of you, see a
giant sack of something. [pants]
Its little leaves flapping and
dragging its pot behind it,
it comes running over and eats it.
And immediately you see
his leaves begin to wither.
And you see his little tendrils
kind of begin to... [whimpers]
- Oh, so I thought this rat with a circle
and a line through it was
a flower of some sort,
but obviously-
- Rat flower, yes.
- [Carlos] Yeah, um, oof.
- Give it more? Give it more?
- This is definitely
my bad. Whew, a doozy.
- Anyone could make that mistake.
- Simple mistake. Anyways, ooh, treaties.
[Jasmine croaking]
- Well, we f*cked up again. [laughs]
- That woulda came in handy.
[Jasmine croaking and puffing]
Definitely dead forever.
Oh, it's still going.
But also...
- May takes a little
cloth and puts it over.
- And we'll just [slaps
hands] I think we can maybe
do something else in the greenhouse now.
- [Erika] Maybe it's a-
- [Zac] Build like a reading nook.
[Jasmine groaning]
- Aleks monster is asleep on the ground.
He's been awake for like two days.
- Ooh, uh, this guy. I'm
picking up a machete.
Well, so the next part of this
plan really has to be really,
we really have to do it up, guys.
I mean, Dracula's counting on us.
- Well, I think he needs
to rest during the day
so we put him into the ancestral soil.
[Jasmine screaming]
And then we wait until nightfall
for him to come back up.
And in the meantime we
just kind of take care
of a couple of things, you know?
Get rid of the velvet ropes.
[Jasmine groaning]
Let Sasha sleep, you know?
[juices squishing]
And generally do, like,
[Jasmine groaning]
you know, when your
dad comes home after a,
if he kind of comes back after we partied
and we got kind of a
thing up, you know, okay.
- [Zac] We do a little mopping.
No, we don't have to mop.
- Just shove some things in
closets and we'll be fine.
- [Zac] Great.
- Yeah.
Okay, everybody on board?
- [Zac] Everyone good?
- The thing I love about
gardening is it's so relaxing.
- You can really zone out and enjoy.
- [Jasmine] Wetzel.
- Yeah, what's up? [laughs]
- As you dig through this
poor creature's entrails
wondering if there was any way
you could have possibly tamed it.
- I love that you got that.
That's what I was doing. [laughs]
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- You're wearing it now.
You're wearing it.
- Thank you, thank you.
- [gasps] Oh!
- Oh!
- You find something.
- [Carlos] What?
- A little the worse for wear.
There were two ways to get this.
You chose the slightly messier one.
- [cheers] The time of my life.
- That was good space work.
- That was beautiful. That was beautiful.
- It's crispy, it's scrunched up.
It's dripping with stomach acid.
- I love it.
Oh.
- See, see?
Pretty normal to eat letters.
- And read this sh*t.
[dramatic music]
"Dear Wetzel, although I
enjoy our time together
and although I enjoy you
constantly serving me,
sometimes I wish you
would serve yourself."
Hmm, "Just from time to time.
I oftentimes feel like your
only goal is to please me,
but at some point you must begin to think
of what you want out of your life.
[soft music]
But I can't force you
to be your own person.
You have to be ready to
make that decision yourself.
If, after all is said and done,
you still wish to become a vampire
and embrace this life
of suffering and pain,
I will grant your wish, but
I don't think I can force you
to be independent until you
are ready to be independent.
I guess that renders
this letter pointless.
I'll place it here and
maybe you'll find it
while tending to Sebastian.
Sincerely, Dracula."
Oh, it's very nice.
Be a vampire if I want to.
- Do you still want to?
- I mean, it's all I've ever wanted.
- Sometimes when you want something
and you go after it for long enough
you kind of find other
reasons along the way
for doing what you do.
- Yes, of course, but that was the plan.
The plan was, oof.
- None of us are very good at plans.
- Yes, again, what is a,
what do we mean by plan?
You know, I like to wing it
everyday. That's my plan.
- Yeah, whew, well, that's nice.
It's all gonna work out for Wetzel.
- [Zac] Okay.
- I'm gonna be just like one of you guys.
Just like one of you guys forever.
- [Zac] Seems like he's happy about it.
- Forever, yeah.
- [Zac] Wow.
- "That's going to be great.
I'm going to be one, too,
but like I already am,
but at soon as he wakes
up I'm going to ask him,
but Zayde has fallen asleep
and therefore he must be tucked in."
You do see Mrs. Astrovsky
kind of beginning to pick up or help
the poor little girl Florina pick up
the now unconscious
form of the good doctor.
- Hm, I would like to, before we go to bed
just try to find the remnants
of the distant relatives
and be like, "Hey everybody,
get the f*ck out!" [laughs]
- Yeah, are you trying to find-
- [Erika] We're trying to find-
- The people that have taken over?
- [Zac] Mm-hmm.
- You find them in a place
that fills you with rage, May.
You find them in Dracula's study,
a place that is very private
that only his favorites get to come to.
You've maybe seen the inside of it,
all of you, one or two times.
And the reason you can figure
out they're in there is you,
as you go upstairs and begin
searching for these interlopers
you see Madam Malquet
no longer with her box
drawing these black runes
on the ground outside.
"I'm going to curse
them." [inhales roughly]
- Good work, Madam. Very good, very good.
- Absolutely.
- [Erika] Yeah.
- Yes.
- Nothing like a good curse.
- "They've tainted this place."
- I'm gonna just like,
knock on the door. [knocks]
- [Erika] Hello?
- Hello?
- "Yes?"
- [Zac] Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, hello, hello?
- Yeah, hello?
- Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, hello?
- [Erika] May kicks in the door.
- What are you doing in here, first off?
I'm just sorta confused like why someone
would have the gall to come into this room
and pretend like they own the place.
- I've never seen Squing
this upset before.
- And I'm sorry, I just
feel like it's very clear.
It says, "Dracula's Study."
- As you say this you notice
that where it says "Dracula's Study"
on the beautiful Victorian
Gothic ornate door,
it has been removed.
[Carlos gasps]
[Erika shouts indignantly]
- Squing is just pacing,
won't look at anyone.
I'm just, I'm like, to me it's like,
I'm so, and I'm so, and I'm sorry.
And the thing is, I'm sorry.
[Izzy laughing]
I'm sorry, at what point
did you think this was okay?
At what point did you think, I don't know,
it's been only, I can't imagine
it's been more than like two
or three days or something
and you've taken this off the wall, right?
I'm sorry, and I'm sorry
about this, but I'm just like,
the words aren't coming
because I'm so sorry
that you would think that that's okay.
- Run, run now!
- He's steaming!
- Run!
- Oh my God!
I've never seen him like this!
- For the love of God, run!
- He's an animal!
- He said he was sorry like 20 times!
- I'm sorry.
[Erika and Carlos laughing]
And I'm sorry.
- You are in for a world of pain.
- [Carlos] Oh my God!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- [Erika] Oh my God.
[Carlos laughing]
- So while you're
rehearsing this whatever,
is the door open?
Have you opened the office door?
- I think in my head I walked in.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, definitely.
- So I'm looking, "Sorry, sorry, sorry,
are your feet on that?
Are your," you know like, "what do you?
I'm sorry, you think you can read that?
I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.
- Who are these people?
- A raging inferno.
- Dang, you need to run!
- Violence.
- You see the man that
handed you the business card
from the train station.
- [claps] I f*cking called it!
I f*cking pointed at the
name when he said it.
- [Jasmine] And you
recall a letter and wonder
if the wards that needed
to be put in their place
were actual people with the last name Ward
as Emil Ward stands before you now.
[Erika gasps]
- [Carlos] Wordplay.
- [Jasmine] With his
lovely wife Emilia, they-
- Emil and Emilia?
- Yeah, I was gonna, okay-
- [Erika] Are they related?
- I was gonna call her Lobelia.
- I like it.
- But I felt like that
was too on the nose.
- [Carlos] I think it's good.
- [Izzy] No, I think Emil
and Emilia is really great.
- Yeah.
- [Carlos] Yeah.
- It's Emilia now.
- They're wearing matching
Hawaiian shirts. [laughs]
- Sorry, Emil, Emilia, I'm
just sorry, I'm just sorry.
I'm just sorry that you think
that what you're doing
right now is appropriate.
- [Carlos] His hands
are so close together.
- I'm sorry that you think
that this is appropriate.
At what point in the day were you like,
"I should come in here, I
should pop that off the wall.
I should put my feet on that, I should...
Purveyor of native antiquities.
You son of a b*tch.
- [Carlos] Oh no!
- I just-
- You notice that a photo
of you beautifully framed has been placed
in a box on the floor.
- Get that God dang photo out of there.
- Put it on the wall, hurry!
- Put that back on the wall right now.
- [Carlos] While you still have time.
- Listen, I'm about to-
- "You're trespassing on property,
old sport."
- Wow.
- Old sport?
- Oh no!
All his letters fell
out of his stomach, no!
- He just started vomiting,
projectile vomiting paper at him.
- He starts filling up the room.
- Death by 1.000 cuts! Death
by 1.000 bile-drenched cuts.
- I'm about to go to jail.
[players laughing]
Know what happens? You
know why I'm going to jail?
Guess what I'm going to do to you.
- [Carlos] Don't do it, Squing!
- So this is your choice.
This is now your choice
'cause I am out of choices.
- You done f*cked up!
- I'm about to freak out for real.
- Roll intimidation.
- [Carlos] I frigging love this sh*t.
- I'm asleep in the other room.
- Oh no!
- Oh no, Squing!
- Eight, I have one last
Pact of my Talisman.
- From my sleep, from my sleep
can I give flash of genius?
- [laughs] From your sleep?
- [Carlos] Um, can I go into my-
- [Jasmine] No.
- Enraged Frenzy and
give him the help action
if I'm standing behind
him like his hype man?
- Oh, what do you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, can
I just kind of like-
- [Jasmine] Sell it to me.
- Yeah.
He's getting me hyped up and
I'm pacing back and forth
like, "Oh no, you done
goofed, you messed up!
"Get 'em Squing." Squing
is being all polite.
- Wetzel's rolling his skin up his arms.
- "You don't want this!
You don't want that!"
Like those cargo shorts
that unzip at your calves,
that's what he's doing with his skin.
"Oh no, you're gonna get the hurt now."
- This is horrifying.
You can reroll that
die. You get advantage.
- [Zac] All right.
- Let's get it done.
[Carlos and Erika laughing]
Exactly the same number. Exactly the same.
- And I'm just pissed off and
I'm just really mad. [moaning]
- Oh no!
- "Quite frankly, I don't give
a f*ck about how you feel.
We've gone through the proper channels,
signed the proper paperwork, see here?"
- "Listen, can I read that."
- "Of course."
And as you say this she
pulls it from her bosom.
Emilia says, "Oh yes, I'm Dracula's cousin
four times removed on
my grandmother's side."
[Zac mimics scarfing paper]
[Erika laughing]
- You gotta know that that was coming.
- That's your bracelet.
- [Erika] You gotta know!
- That's your bracelet.
- You gotta, you had to!
- Welcome to the streets, fool!
[Erika and Carlos laughing]
- I quit!
Brennan come back, I
don't want 'em anymore!
- I eat your paper!
[Carlos and Erika laughing]
- I eat it up.
- Eat it up!
[Izzy slurping]
[group laughing]
- m*therf*ckers!
- Hope you made a copy.
- "Listen, I have been told,
we have been told to put
the Wards in their place,
and it is up to you whether
you choose that place
to be way down there on
the cobblestones below
or just your previous place of residence.
Look at how crazy I look."
I can't imagine a
conversation going well here.
- "We can go back through
the proper channels
and do it again, although
you've slowed things up a bit,
mucked them up a bit what
with your consumption
of paper goods, but know
that you cannot deny me
and my wife of our right.
[Izzy chortles]
For unlike you, we're actually
related to Lord Dracula."
- "And you like, you um,
you care about Dracula?"
- "Not a single bit."
- "I'm sorry."
- [Carlos] He said, "I'm sorry."
- "I'm just, I'm gonna
have to control myself
a little bit here 'cause I just
don't think it's productive
to freak and cut your head
off and everything like that."
- "Oh, Squing, Squing, Squing, seriously-
- "It's unproductive. It's
unproductive so I'm sorry."
- "Just pull it back, just pull it back.
Don't let these French people get to you."
- "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
- "But we'll be on our way for now.
The Lairbnb people already
wired us our money."
- What the hell did you just say?
- "The Lairbnb people!
Gentrifiers can go f*ck themselves!
Now get out of our castle!"
- "We'll be back."
And you see Emilia and
Emil. [chuckles evilly]
"Don't worry, I'll be a countess
before all this is said and done."
And they gather up their
few belongings and leave.
[Zac sighs in relief]
As you look around
the Count's study you do notice
there are a lot of things changed.
There is a "live, laugh,
loathe" sign on the wall
and a beautiful painting
of his countenance
with his late wife has been
removed from over the fireplace
and sat beside it.
- These basic witches.
- It's like so live, laugh, loathe,
that's sort of like, you know,
such of what a costume of what
this place could be or was.
- As you say that you notice Madam Malquet
has gathered up her black candles
and has taken the ashes of a burned doll
and spread them down
her face and she's like,
"It worked, they're gone!"
- I'm sorry, you just put the ashes
of some burned doll on your face?
Holy sh*t, hard core.
- That's a classic choice.
Well, you can go about, so you're rehired.
- [gasps] "Oh!"
- And you can go about
rehiring and taking care
of the rest of the staff.
- "Lady May!"
- It's all right. We're gonna
get through this together.
- "But all the rooms, there
are strangers, tourists
that are staying in them,
and they're under renovation,
but I'll go and hire back Dimitri
since I know you're so fond of him."
- No, uh, I mean Dimitri's so-
- [Jasmine] "And Setzer as
well. I'll bring him back."
- Yeah...
- Do we need Setzer?
- What if you didn't on Setzer?
- I feel like, you know,
maybe it's a start,
we start with the core crew, you know?
- We can take 'em on a case-by-case basis.
- We wanted to add a flourish,
maybe that's a different voyage.
- Yes, I mean, Setzer, I think Setzer,
if I remember correctly, has
their place in this household,
but maybe we'll just have
a watchful eye on them.
- What do we remember about Setzer?
- What is Setzer's vibe?
- [Carlos] Yeah, what's their vibe?
- Setzer is kind of like,
the most reliable person in the household.
If there's something you need.
- They're like, annoyingly
reliable though?
- [Jasmine] They're a
little bit of a suck-up.
- [Zac] Yeah.
- [Erika] Yeah.
- A little bit of a teacher's pet.
- It's just like, I mean...
- We can revisit that at a later date.
- Where is Setzer right now?
- "Oh, last I checked he was preparing
to throw himself from the
cliffs into the ocean below."
- Well, maybe go send somebody to like-
- "Out of despair!"
- If the man has a plan I feel like...
- I just feel like, once
Setzer's out of the picture
it's like, we're gonna
have to find a new Setzer,
and that's still sort of a Setzer..
- Yeah, but that could be fun.
- Yeah, onboarding is not optimal.
Okay, so you can take
care of the household.
We need to have a little
nap, or well, you know.
- "I shall prepare a safe place for you
and ensure that these heathens
will not hurt my babies."
- You could just take a breath.
You could just take a breath.
- "I cannot breathe until
I know that..." [laughs]
- [Carlos] You're working
yourself up at this point.
- I hate you guys.
- [Izzy] You made yourself laugh?
- I found your glasses,
though, Here you go.
Oh, so, oh, perfect.
You have beautiful eyes.
- [Jasmine] "Thank you."
- They cross all the way
to the other side of
the head and go outward.
- Oh, you have the glasses
upside down. Put 'em like this.
- "Thank you, thank you, Wetzel.
Come, come my poor
children. Let me feed you."
And she goes... [laughs] May.
- I'm hungy.
- She takes you all to a secret
lair underneath the study
that not even the Wards know of.
"Somebody's gotta sweep back here."
She pulls one of the
books from the bookcases.
It slides aside and down goes
a winding stone staircase
into a room of collectables.
- Oh!
- And glass cases.
You see everything from
old Persian helmets
to old letters from dignitaries
to some fan fiction that has been lovingly
and carefully placed away
as well as a massive-
- A glass case of fan fiction.
- [Carlos] It's so sticky!
- These Dracula statuettes
are very explicit.
- Yeah, but they're in
the original packaging
so it's worth way more.
- Oh, yeah.
- These Funko Pops, wow.
- Ooh, a large one. [laughs]
- And you also see a giant
sort of wall almost of wine
sorted by year and some
of them even with notes
of whom it was gifted from.
And you also see at one
corner a gargoyle's mouth
sticking out of the
wall with a long tongue.
Madam Malquet goes, pulls one of its horns
and blood gushes from its mouth.
[Erika gasps]
- Oh, hell yeah.
That's dope as hell!
- Wow. [laughs]
- Yeah, it's like the blood
rave scene in "Blade," ah!
- You gain a full pool of 10 blood points.
- Wow!
- I'm like a kid
at the fire hydrant trying
to put my hands there
to sh**t it out towards
them so it rains like.
- Stop, stop it.
- You need some? Okay.
- Yeah!
- "I'll bring you your doctor
and the child unless you would like me
to do something with the
child like send her away."
- No, bring her in.
- Bring the child.
- She's still paying her dues.
- Yeah.
- I had a full pool of blood points before
so I might just use those and
then drink up to replenish.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [Erika] yeah, yeah, yeah.
- This is kind of me giving
y'all carte blanche to heal up.
- Full heal.
- [Erika] Fully, fully healed.
- [Jasmine] Get all your spell slots back.
- Can I do that, too?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Yes, yes, you are brought
down to the study as well.
The day is kind of, it's
like late morning now
and the presence of day outside
has made you all incredibly weary.
You are nothing if not nocturnal.
Who has Dracula's corpse?
- I...
- [Erika] Squing was carrying it.
- I was carrying it earlier.
I think if I've set it
down to yell at the Emil.
- Oh, but you did bring
it up to the study?
- [Zac] Yeah.
- Perfect, you put it down.
- Oh, you don't wanna see this.
You don't wanna see this, yeah.
- Like drop it down the steps.
- I like the idea of Squing
yelling at these people
in the study, me walking back and forth
and then Dracula's body in an
armchair like this. [laughs]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- [Izzy] Put sunglasses on him?
- Yeah.
- Just wanna like,
should we bring him down here?
- Yeah.
- [Erika] Yeah.
- You carry it down with the sunglasses.
- Tight squeeze, watch
your head and your toes.
[Erika mimics impact]
Oh...
Put one of these helms on you.
- There are suits of armor.
- Great.
Seems too complicated for me
to put a full suit of armor
on a limp body so I'm going
to, unless someone else.
- You just put a helmet on him.
- Okay, great, great, great, great.
It seems like this is your stuff, fanfic.
- [Carlos] Loves it.
- Dracula, I hope this feels right to you
considering your situation.
We got your back here, buddy.
- Roll me a persuasion check.
[Carlos gasps]
[warm tones resound]
- You got a nat? Oh, the nat 20 jutsu.
- Persuade him so hard
he come back to life.
- Yeah, yeah, you feel him stir
underneath the metal helmet.
And he says, this is a room he normally
would never let you into.
- Oh.
- And would probably
have Madam Malquet flayed
for bringing you here, but he says,
"I think all things considered..."
- We gotta lift up the helmet.
- You gotta...
- We just can't hear you.
- "I think all things considered,"
with half his face missing,
"it's fitting that you be here
with my most prized possessions,
for that is what you are."
- [Erika] Oh!
- Wow.
- Oh.
- But?
- [Izzy] Dead?
- Oh, no, he's-
- He's just sleeping, is this?
- He's just a little knocked out.
- Do you hear that? We're possessions.
[Carlos and Erika laughing]
- That was my takeaway.
- Squing sort of smiles. Wow, most prized.
Well, what do we do now?
- Well, we gotta get him
to the ancestral soil.
- [Carlos] Have we been there where we're-
- [Erika] Rested.
- Yeah, you know where it is.
- [Carlos] Okay.
- You know there's a familial
crypt, and it leads down the,
Dracula's room is one of
the most imposing places
any of you have ever been.
You know that he regards
it with a lot of sanctity.
There is a beautiful
large window in this room
and a beautiful kind of
walkway that's constructed,
and then it drops down several feet
for Dracula typically
rests in the very bones
of the Carpathian Mountains.
It is a cold, lifeless
place with still air
and lots of drains for blood orgies.
- [mimics club music] Skrillex
playing in the background.
- Amazing, can I say that I also took
one of the helms that's
just sort of sitting up?
- [Jasmine] Sure.
- [Carlos] Just on top,
on top of the head.
- This look right?
- [Erika] Yeah, yeah.
- [Carlos] Yeah, it looks really good.
- It looks good?
- May places the hat on top of the helm.
- [Carlos] Look at the
boy! Look at the boy!
- Does this look right?
- [Carlos] You look great!
- [Erika] So dapper.
- Thank you.
- [Carlos] Yeah, I'm
jealous of the little man,
the little man with the little hat.
- I feel very adult.
- Oh, a little man.
- You enjoy the benefits of a long rest.
Do feel free to reset your sheets.
- I mean, it's been a long journey.
I feel like the carriage
got f*cked up, we met a kid,
a bunch of people tried to k*ll us.
- Several times.
- You pushed a guy off a bridge.
- Absolutely.
- I thought those guys were
gonna be a bigger deal.
What's their deal?
- Absolutely inconsequential
at this point, right?
- I mean, that's unions for you.
- [Izzy] Probably never coming back.
- So dumb.
- I imagine we'll never
see them again. [laughs]
[Zac sighs]
- "Well, now it's time to take back castle
because if we don't
then I won't have room."
- [shouts] What are you doing?
How long have you been here?
This was just the main core group.
- "Well, I've been here for a while.
Drago is also here. So is Mrs. Astrovsky.
We are all here as well,
but we're not probably going to help you
because that seems like
it's more your purview
since I'm still kind of playing my dues."
- How did she get acclimated so quickly?
- She's amazing.
- [Carlos] She just takes
charge. She just goes in, that's-
- "I am smart like my Zayde."
- She's an Astrovsky.
- She's an Astrovsky.
- I pull Sasha aside.
"You know, for a while there
I was eating your letters,
but I guess at this point,
I can eat your letters.
It seems like maybe...
Maybe there's a wife in front of you
that you could have a conversation with
[sighs] without me eating letters.
[Erika laughing]
Good talk."
- "Thank you for the insight, Squing."
- "I can't believe you
ate my husband's letters!"
- I can believe it.
- I can believe it, too.
I'm sorry.
- [Carlos] Absolutely.
- But I, you know...
- My darling, they are so stupid,
but everyone every now and again
has their own bracelet moment, don't they?
- Oh, she's gonna bring it to you quick.
- "Who among us has not
had a bracelet moment?"
- Can't say I haven't.
[Erika laughing]
- It's that type of open
bracelet relationship, huh?
- "Can't say I haven't."
And she points to a werewolf bite.
- [Carlos] Oh!
- "Can't wait to hear about that."
- "Can't wait to tell you about it."
- "Darling."
- "Oh, my love, my love."
- "Where are our sons?"
- "My sky, my star."
- "My sky, my star, our sons?"
- Kinda glossed over the sons question.
- "They are so difficult
to keep track of."
- But also we remember them. [laughs]
- "But all of them are safe."
- "You will come live with me here?"
- "I will bring all of our children.
The halls will be filled with
their maniacal laughter."
- Oh...
- "My bashert."
- [laughs] I'm sorry.
- A deep and passionate love in the fists.
- I like the idea that all of the children
have conned their way
into the family as well,
like that's why there's so many of 'em.
- And of course everyone
will come live here.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, yeah.
- I guess, I mean, it's a big castle,
and they could all pay rent, you know?
- Well, Dracula in my
letter was, you know,
pretty explicit about taking care of me
for the rest of my life
so there you have it.
- Okay, okay, 15 extra boys.
- [Carlos] [laughs] Yeah.
- They're humans though.
- [Zac] Yes.
- How long can they possibly live?
- Not too long.
- I hear you, I hear you.
- People from my country
do not live long at all.
- We're gonna blink and
then, hey, 15 extra rooms.
- And we're gone.
- 15 extra rooms.
Yes, we're gonna bring, that
will be 15 extra bunk beds.
- A gym, art room...
- A pottery room.
- [Zac] Pottery room.
- Yes, so fun to think about
what you'll do with our rooms
after me and my entire family dies.
- We can make candles in one room.
- It's good to plan ahead.
- [Carlos] Mm-hmm.
- Yes, do we have to rid of
all the visitors in the castle?
- Madam Malquet responds,
"Yes, it seems the rooms
have been let and sublet
several times over."
[Izzy sighs]
- Sublets.
How long were we gone?
[players laughing]
- Fully furnished. [laughs]
- "Things move fast in Transylvania."
- You're telling me people are
possibly making money off of our-
- "There's a tour in the
main foyer as we speak."
- [Izzy] Oh my goodness.
- [Carlos] Put on your glasses.
- "Our home's greatest
secrets are being revealed."
- Oh God. Okay, um...
- May and Wetzel and Squing.
Squing, sometimes it goes there.
- [Carlos] Do this, please.
- Feel it out, feel it out in your mouth.
- You know, I...
We have learned a lot of things
in these past couple of days.
It would seem that our plans
have been thwarted many times over.
And I know that you two have been hurt,
and I want to do a little check-in.
I have been tampering with the ability
to bring creatures back
to life from death.
And it seems the Count was
ready to let himself go.
- I kinda like this though, you know?
I mean, before all of this, I mean,
I was struggling back in New York.
That's the whole reason I came here.
There's no roles for me out there.
People who look like me and act like me
don't get to live the kind of lives
that we hope for all the time
and so being out here and
like, actually getting work
and finding love and, you know,
being young at heart forever,
that's kind of amazing!
- We're all young and hot, you know?
- I know you must feel the same.
- Totally.
- [Carlos] Has the hat on.
That's all I was thinking about.
- And you know, I have to agree.
I think I...
I don't know if this has come across
or if anyone has noticed this at all,
but [sighs] a long time ago pre-Dracula
people kinda thought I was
annoying and a bad guy.
- No!
- What?
- I was kind of, I guess, considered mean
probably antagonistic to those
around me that I would have,
you know, maybe in some
ways were my friends
but also probably
frustrated by my actions.
And all that's gone now.
- On a long enough timeline,
all of our problems kind of get solved.
- Yeah, I think people can
change, is what I'm saying.
- "Is that why your head is mushy?
Is because you pissed off black witch
and she cursed you, turned
your head into oatmeal?"
- Hey, shut up.
[players laughing]
You're a little kid and...
- [Jasmine] "Well, a
scientific observation."
- Scientific?
- [Jasmine] "Scientific."
- [Izzy] Mm-hmm.
- You're not a,
leave the science to this,
wait, you don't agree?
- No, it's a very probable, it's probable.
- "Why is your head like this?"
- Maybe because I'm from a
time where heads were soft,
and I've just been alive for
a really long time, okay?
Maybe I'm a little bit
defensive about it, okay?
Gosh, sorry.
- So we want to bring Dracula back.
- I think so.
- [Zac] Yes.
- Wetzel.
- Yeah?
- Have you thought about
what it's gonna be like
for you to be like this forever?
- Oh yeah, I mean,
that's all I think about.
Like you were saying, on
a long enough timeline
all my problems will be gone.
I'll be just like the both of you
or just like Dracula over time.
I'll have everything I ever wanted,
everything I ever needed.
Won't have to write letters to my wife,
or at least it won't feel like that long.
It'll feel like, time will just pass.
- It'll just pass and continue to pass.
- It just keeps going.
- Yeah.
- [sighs] I guess what
I'm trying to say is,
Dracula wasn't sure he would come back,
and in some ways if my
letter is to be believed,
he trusted me to take care of this place
and the people within it.
And I don't think I can rule like him,
you know, with an iron fist so I will rule
with a very soft head.
[Erika laughs]
- Perhaps Wetzel can
rule with the iron fist.
We can give you an upgrade.
- Incredible.
I think that's what
the soft head is about.
It is more a metaphor that
is deeply painful to me.
- I think there's some sort
of a Renaissance writer
that said something about that.
You've gotta rule with an
iron fist and a squishy head.
- A squishy head.
- A squishy head.
- Probably.
- But both of them.
- What do we know about squishy?
Squishy heads are open to feedback.
When you touch them they hold.
- [Carlos] Malleable, yeah.
- They're malleable, and I
think that there's a lesson
to be learned there, and I am open
to being malleable as well.
- "It's like same strange,
f*cked-up version of Humpty Dumpty."
[Carlos chuckles]
- I'm trying to listen to you.
- He's gonna hit you so hard one day.
- "No I am saying it's
like, good lesson maybe.
Like maybe Humpty Dumpty,
if he had squishy head,
his head wouldn't break
when he fall down."
- [Zac] Yes.
- "You are resilient."
- Yes, it is like that.
- [Jasmine] "Unlike Humpty Dumpty."
- I would say yes, it's a reverse-
- She already understands physics!
- It's a reverse Humpty Dumpty.
I like that. I'm not gonna eat you.
- [Carlos] Okay.
- "Unless you can turn me."
- Sorry?
- "I want to live forever,
if you can turn me."
- I mean we gotta, you know...
- [Jasmine] "I would rather
be turned by May, though,
so that I look like May."
- You have to wait until
puberty to make that decision.
- "Oh, but that is so long away."
- I know.
- But if you're a kid forever,
that's gonna be messy.
- [Carlos] Yeah, that's not...
- It raises all sorts of moral questions.
- It's just best avoided.
- [Carlos] Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, what you wanna do
with your life, I mean,
we really gotta think how
it's gonna make people feel.
- "Well, that's true.
Maybe Wetzel should also
wait until puberty."
- What the f*ck? You know what?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
- I swear to God, I swear to God.
- I agree.
- [Erika] All right, all right.
- Wow, wow, wow.
- Rip off her little arms
and beat her with them.
- [Zac] Ow.
- "Well you know, I
just think that's fair.
We should both wait."
- I swear, I've...
- It is settled.
- I, oof.
I've done stuff to other
people, just so everyone knows.
- Shall we rid the castle of the vermins?
- Yes.
- People have touched me, too.
- Uh, uh-huh.
- People what?
- [Carlos] What?
- Wow.
- [Erika] What?
- I'm just saying, I've been, I've...
- Wetzel, chill out, man.
- I've been through.
It's like no one wants to believe me.
I've been through puberty, first of all.
Went through it three times.
- [Zac] That's sad.
- I'm gonna go hit a tour group.
- Yeah, as you head out up the stairs
towards the exit of the office,
your eye catches something on the desk.
- What is it?
- [sighs] This makes me emotional.
This is our last letter.
[players gasp]
[Carlos hums triumphant fanfare]
And this one is actually addressed to you.
[Erika gasps]
Oh!
[dramatic music]
"Dearest May, when I attended
your show, "Lovely Mosquito,"
and saw you play the part
of a bloodsucking pest of the night,
seeing your eyes twinkle
on the stage lights
I knew in a moment that you
did not truly understand
what it meant to be embraced
into a twisted perversion of life."
That's true.
"Especially since you were so full of it.
Life, I mean.
But I found your tenacity
and ambition amusing,
and you are nothing if not persistent."
[laughs] Yeah, I really am.
"So I gave you what you wanted,
and it's been one of the better decisions
of my long existence.
Learn from the other
ladies of the household.
Don't let jealousy overtake you
the way it has overtaken some of them."
Um...
"They are wise and have
learned things the hard ways
so that you don't have to.
Don't let the world harden you.
You are soft but fierce,
and there is power in that.
Know that when you sing
that song, our song,
I will hear you no matter where I am."
And then there's a part
where she looks closer and she sees,
"But May, I don't love you.
I'm sorry. I tried.
I care for you deeply
and enjoy your company,
but my heart is not my own.
Someone else took it
to the grave with them,
and I haven't been the same since.
I cannot give you the
things you ask me for,
but I will try to give you every chance
to live the life you
were denied in America.
That is the least I can do, Dracula."
[tender music]
You know, that night at the
theater when we stayed up
talking all night about
everything and nothing,
I knew that I would die for him and I did.
Cause I always get what I want.
But now I gotta live for me.
I mean, you know, the stage
is a world to conquer,
and I have a household to run.
And you know...
Dumb men to take advantage of
now that I'm gonna be
young and hot forever.
Ah, so it's probably just as well.
Sometimes it just wasn't
meant to work out.
- As you say that you hear a voice say,
"Oh yeah, I totally think
we can actually put the
Pilates room in here."
And the door opens and
you see a group of people
that are like, "Oh hi, we're
gonna need you to clear out.
Um, so yeah, so if we
can put the reformer here
along the way and then we can put in a bar
along here for balance, and then maybe
if we can add in some mirrors."
- This is a stupid trendy
version of what we did
and with yoga! [screams]
May like, just starts tearing into them.
- [laughs] Roll your melee
attack. You are a vampire now.
- [laughs] Okay, I'm like I...
- Never thought we'd get a Pure Barre.
- 10.
- She works out.
She is able to like, deflect your attack
and then twist your arm
behind your back and be like,
"I've taken self-defense classes."
[Erika screams]
You see her call for more of the workers
to come and restrain you.
What do the rest of you do?
- I have a design element. How
about you go out the window?
And I try to grab them,
throw 'em out the window.
- Yeah, give me an athletics check.
- Nat 20.
- [Carlos] Nat 20.
[group laughing]
- You grab both of the
workers trying to grab May
and throw them out the window.
- How does that look? Is that feng shui?
- [Carlos] That was badass.
- Put that on "Apartment Therapy."
- Live, laugh, loathe.
- [Jasmine] Oh no.
- This is catchy.
- Okay, let's do it. [mimics
flamethrower spraying]
- Oh my gosh, yes.
Roll I guess like, are you just
like, mow them out of here?
- [Erika] Yeah.
- Can we do like a-
- With my flamethrower? Yeah.
- Can we do a group intimidation?
- [Jasmine] Yes, yes, yes.
- [Erika] Yeah!
- Give me your intimidation check.
- Oh, I'm gonna do-
[Carlos laughing]
Also, I'm also gonna use-
- [Carlos] Oh, you almost
had a two. Oh, God.
- Friends, oh, is that one creature?
It's only one creature,
but it can give advantage-
- You can grab the person
that's holding you.
- Okay, I have advantage
on charisma checks.
- [Jasmine] Definitely.
- Yeah.
- A 23 on intimidate.
- Ooh.
- [Izzy] 12.
- 12.
- Crit fail.
- Wow, um...
- But we're excited.
- [Izzy] We're half scary.
- I'm zero scary.
- 25.
- 25, okay.
So Wetzel is otherwise distracted,
especially because Florina is
still giving you a hard time.
[Erika laughs]
"Okay, well, he threw them out the window
so you have to like, what
are you going to do?"
- Probably something scarier
than throwing 'em out a window.
- [Jasmine] "Like what?"
- I don't know, what about ice?
[Erika laughs]
- [Zac] Just the idea of ice?
- You know what? f*ck you!
I like, got you here and you're
just trying to step on me,
not even step over me to go-
- "I'm trying to learn
from you, idiot man!"
See, it's those types
of things like when you-
- Florina.
- Sounds like you're saying
something nice but then
it goes mean real easy.
- This man is our equal. You
have to treat him with respect.
- "Okay, Zayde."
- I can't see the other side
of your face, but did you wink?
- Nope.
- [Carlos] I feel like there was a wink.
- No.
- [Carlos] Okay.
- "I will, I will."
- Thank you.
- "We will use ice cube."
- No, not just, that
was just brainstorming.
- I think he pulled
that one out of his a*s.
- I didn't have any, thank you, well-
- "I don't know what he keeps up there,
but maybe we'll find out
when he hits puberty."
- No one is going up
my a*s right now, okay!
- Is your a*s filled with ice?
- Stop, everyone needs to stop!
- As Wetzel is having this
breakdown in the back,
you unleash the flamethrower.
You go into your Dread Form,
and May, what do you do?
- Tendrils of shadow spring forth from May
and she becomes a terrible
and terrifying queen.
And she's like, "All of
you, be gone from our home!
Should you stay the consequences
will be far beyond your mortal reckoning!"
- That was cool as f*ck!
- It works.
Everyone goes running.
You see people screaming.
You see people holding rolls of wallpaper,
people holding crates and barrels,
people holding all kinds of like little-
- Piers and ones.
- Yeah.
[group laughing]
Ceramics, flatware,
and all kinds of things
running out of the house screaming
with you driving them before
you like a flock of sheep.
- Run west towards those elms.
- Get that Peloton to
whence you came from!
- And they take all of their
horrible things with them,
and the foyer is oddly quiet.
The velvet ropes are still there,
some of them thrown asunder.
From the corner you just
hear [groans] from a bag.
- Is the f*cking-
- That plant's still alive?
My God.
- [Carlos] Did you-
- [Erika] Oh, what was that?
- Did we even, was it?
- Didn't you turn that sh*t
inside out? I was asleep.
- I like-
[Jasmine groaning]
I'm just gonna tear
it. I'll be right back.
- May, Aleks takes May's wrist and says,
"This is your castle."
- [Erika] "Wha?"
- "This is your castle."
- Well, I think it's our castle.
- I take my cues from you.
I have no one to learn more
from than you, Countess.
- [gasps] I guess I am...
Well, I've been taking a
lot of my cues from Squing.
- To be honest, and like,
I hate admitting this
because it's just very hard for me,
but I've always been
sort of a right hand man,
and I would like to stay
in that comfort zone
if you would like to be in charge.
- I accept!
[Izzy and Carlos clapping]
Thank you.
- I don't have to move rooms now.
- [Erika] Thank you.
- It's sorta the same thing.
- Ah, oh, we gotta get him into the soil.
- [Zac] Yes.
- Let's do it.
- With the house now a majority empty,
you enter into the tomb of ancestors.
Around you, stacked from
floor to 10-foot ceiling
are coffins from all
different periods of time
and all different styles of adornment
stacked carefully and
neatly in their shelves.
Beside each one of them,
a plaque denoting who the person was,
how long they lived, and
a small sort of epitaph
or a small paragraph about them.
And this is the hallowed
space you enter, and as you do
you just feel the temperature
drop a few degrees.
As you walk through this hall
to the tapered doorway and
out into Dracula's room,
you see something horrifying.
You see the familiar stained glass window
with the walkway that
casts a perfect shadow
over his resting place so that
he's always an arm's reach
of the sunlight he can never touch.
You see all of his spoils of
w*r, all of his fond things
stacked up like an avid antiquer
on every surface in his study.
And you see groups of
people sorting among it
like it's a yard sale.
- [scoffs] I'm sorry...
So one thing is clear,
I'm sorry that you all
got the impression that this was okay.
- You done goofed, m*therf*ckers.
- You guys, you see all these coffins?
You wanna fill 'em?
- [Carlos] Oh.
- And as you say that,
you hear a strange squeaking
behind you. [mimics squeaking]
And you hear it as it
groans against the cobbles,
and in the dark hall of
the ancestors behind you
you begin to see a shiny
metal tubular object
very similar to the one you
saw at the railroad station,
and pushing it, a man with wild
hair with one white streak.
[dramatic music]
And that'll be where
we end today's episode.
- Who the f*ck is that?
- Join us next time on
"Dimension 20: Coffin Run."
Welcome to "Dimension 20: Coffin Run,"
a very bloody finale.
- [Erika] And look at the set, you know?
Just everybody look at the set.
- Burn, baby, burn.
- I've been waiting.
Oh, I've been waiting
for this encounter and I-
- Oh, she's doing it!
- [Carlos] No!
- So excited.
- Yes!
- After what seems like an eternity.
- Oh sh*t.
- The coffin rises back up.
[Izzy gasps]
[Erika screams]
You have no clue. Is he sick or something?
- You know what you're doing.
[Jasmine cackles sinisterly]
- My a*s print is perfect!
- Oh, whoa!
- I'm sorry, I'll use my action
and my bonus action to apologize.
[Jasmine laughing]
[Erika clears throat]
- It's the top of the round.
That was one round.
- Whoa!
- [Carlos] Whoa, okay.
- Something in him-
- Yeah!
- Has awakened.
- Super shocked.
- I think I f*cked up.
- Wait...
- It was c*ck! You all saw it!
- 26 per twentifibuddy?
[Jasmine laughing]
- Oh my God!
[Zac screams]
Master!
- Oh no.
- Things went from bad to very bad.
[Erika gasps]
What is happening?
- You guys are stressed.
Are you guys stressed?
- I am so on board with this.
[intense sinister music]
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14x05 - Drac's Moved-In Castle
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.